For each of us there are moments that forever change us. Moments that completely change the way we think about things, or change our view of someone. I can look back and identify many defining moments.
1. The first time my daddy asked if I would like to go with him on visitations. I was a very little girl, 7 or 8, and that was the first time I remember feeling like a woman :)
2. The moment a woman told me I needed to watch my weight at 11... the first time I felt fat.
3. Hot chocolate with whipped cream and a cherry on top. That is when I first thought there might be someone as good as my dad.... or better!
4. The Hilton Hotel....
5. Becoming a mother.... the day I went back to school....Sitting in church and seeing the empty pew beside me and knowing nothing would ever be the same again, my nest is truly empty! -- On and on and on....
Defining moment today.... Acts 9:34 And Peter said unto him, Aeneas, Jesus Christ makes you whole: arise, and make your bed. And he arose immediately.
I have been praying to be made whole. I have been praying for healing. I have been praying to be set free. I have faith he can, I have faith if it will glorify him, it will happen! Tonight this scripture hit me. It is one of those moments when things are even more clear! Yes only He can heal. Only Him! But with healing comes my response to NOT stay in the same state as I was before healing! As Christ sees fit to heal and make me whole....I have to be willing then to pick up my bed, make my bed, and walk, run, or attempt ballet.
The last couple weeks as I have posted I have been struggling with this idea of His role and mine. If it is only Him than what do I do, just sit around and wait, keep going about my life as I always have, is blogging, going to ballet class, claiming promises etc. all me trying to make it happen in my time? Should I be more willing to just sit and wait? I know we are to wait on the Lord, we are to surrender to Him etc. Tonight, it seems clear to me. Tonight I pictured myself as Aeneas, being healed, and then there was this point where he had a choice. He could have just decided that the bed he was on was familiar and comfortable. He could have decided to just continue lying around as he had for so long. After all walking, running, making his bed, these were all unfamiliar. He also could have questioned whether or not he had truly been healed. He could have said he needed time to adjust to the idea that he might be able to walk. I have to make choices and as the Lord guides and as the Lord heals, I then have a part to play. If I want to walk, I have to get up and walk. He may have healed my legs, but He won't force me to walk.
I also believe tonight that there are things I can do while waiting for healing or while living with my holes. There are things I can do to help. I can claim promises, learn to have faith in him, learn to accept my pain and use it to glorify God. Learn to accept this journey and do my part.
Reading this text encouraged me. Reading this text inspired me to get up, make my bed and run. It has inspired me to surrender my life to Christ, trust he will make me whole, and in the mean time, I am going to do everything I can to facilitate healing. Perhaps those steps I take will be part of His plan for healing me.
Today was a defining moment for me. "....Jesus Christ has made you whole... get up, make your bed and run!"
As I read this text I am reminded of the importance for me to "make my bed and get up".
Monday, February 13, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
141- Slippers
Today I spent some time with a couple girl friends I almost never get to see anymore. I headed over to Carolyn's house first thing this morning in a sweatshirt and slippers, with hair up in a pony tail. I was far from cute but comfy, warm and dressed perfect for the important act of curling up on a couch and chatting with girlfriends.
After a couple hours of chit chat we decided to head out for lunch. So we went down town to the Ethiopian restaurant. We had a lovely lunch. The conversation was about all things important, like children, God, church etc. As we were leaving I looked down and realized I had forgotten to put my shoes on and had gone into the restaurant with my red slippers on. It may not sound like much, but I can't begin to tell you the layers of crap that normally would have flooded into my mind. Instead I laughed at myself, and continued on with wonderful conversation. Today was about connecting, getting things done and I am no less of a person, no less valuable because I didn't put on make up, wore slippers down town and wore a frumpy hoody with a pony tail and gray hair. What a wonderful day! I was free! It was such a joy!
Today is my sons birthday. I remember the day we found out I was pregnant.... AGAIN! That day I praise God we had a sense of humor. I praise God we laughed and were able to look forward to meeting our little man. Well, today he is 19 and not a little man any more. I know God knew we needed Andrew here on this earth, and I believe he has a special plan for him. He has already been such a blessing for our family! Happy Birthday my boy!
It is hard to believe that my baby boy is 19. Where did the years go? It can't be possible, can it? Well since there is living proof, I suppose it is a great opportunity to acknowledge how fast time can fly and make every day count. Everyday be a day filled with love! Hug those around you. Relish in friends, family and most of all God. He cherishes you and me! He delights in us! Bask in it!
After a couple hours of chit chat we decided to head out for lunch. So we went down town to the Ethiopian restaurant. We had a lovely lunch. The conversation was about all things important, like children, God, church etc. As we were leaving I looked down and realized I had forgotten to put my shoes on and had gone into the restaurant with my red slippers on. It may not sound like much, but I can't begin to tell you the layers of crap that normally would have flooded into my mind. Instead I laughed at myself, and continued on with wonderful conversation. Today was about connecting, getting things done and I am no less of a person, no less valuable because I didn't put on make up, wore slippers down town and wore a frumpy hoody with a pony tail and gray hair. What a wonderful day! I was free! It was such a joy!
Today is my sons birthday. I remember the day we found out I was pregnant.... AGAIN! That day I praise God we had a sense of humor. I praise God we laughed and were able to look forward to meeting our little man. Well, today he is 19 and not a little man any more. I know God knew we needed Andrew here on this earth, and I believe he has a special plan for him. He has already been such a blessing for our family! Happy Birthday my boy!
It is hard to believe that my baby boy is 19. Where did the years go? It can't be possible, can it? Well since there is living proof, I suppose it is a great opportunity to acknowledge how fast time can fly and make every day count. Everyday be a day filled with love! Hug those around you. Relish in friends, family and most of all God. He cherishes you and me! He delights in us! Bask in it!
Sabbath and many other blessings!
As I drove to church at sunrise the sky captivated me. As I marveled at the beauty of the colors, the shading, the majesty of it all I praised God for the blessings in my life. Husband, three children, a church family, friends, and so much more.
Chris left right after church for Raleigh to catch his flight to Seattle. I was faced with being home alone. It was fine, I had a nice lunch went to bed to read and then took a nap. I awoke from my nap to a phone call from Andrew. He proceeded to tell me how he and his friends had been in a serious car accident. Everyone was fine. As he told me the story he kept saying how it was a miracle they were not hurt.
There isn't much to say, except I am filled with thanksgiving! Praising God, my son was alive to celebrate his birthday. I found myself saying that nothing matters. Why do I worry about things like letting go of (C), however I came to the conclusion that I want more than anything to really live. Really let go and cherish each and every moment. I don't have time to waste on (C). I don't want to use time, or energy on living my life in a way that doesn't honor my creator.
So tonight, I went to the store bought some groceries, passed by the mac n cheese, the cake, the doughnuts, and bought fruit, and other healthy good food. Tonight, I have been working on things that need to be done, just continuing on this journey of letting go. Tonight I am praising God for his protection!!!!!!!!!
Chris left right after church for Raleigh to catch his flight to Seattle. I was faced with being home alone. It was fine, I had a nice lunch went to bed to read and then took a nap. I awoke from my nap to a phone call from Andrew. He proceeded to tell me how he and his friends had been in a serious car accident. Everyone was fine. As he told me the story he kept saying how it was a miracle they were not hurt.
There isn't much to say, except I am filled with thanksgiving! Praising God, my son was alive to celebrate his birthday. I found myself saying that nothing matters. Why do I worry about things like letting go of (C), however I came to the conclusion that I want more than anything to really live. Really let go and cherish each and every moment. I don't have time to waste on (C). I don't want to use time, or energy on living my life in a way that doesn't honor my creator.
So tonight, I went to the store bought some groceries, passed by the mac n cheese, the cake, the doughnuts, and bought fruit, and other healthy good food. Tonight, I have been working on things that need to be done, just continuing on this journey of letting go. Tonight I am praising God for his protection!!!!!!!!!
Friday, February 10, 2012
139- Outward vs Inward
I love the bible text 1 Samuel 17:7 "....The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”
I was walking into dance class, a few minutes late, rushing, when I realized I had forgotten to bring a hair band to put my hair up. I was such a mess. Long hair curly, wild and huge. All day I had felt quite cute and together. I had make up on, my hair was wild but curly and I had a shimmery scarf on. I took a group of Korean students to a Korean restaurant did some shopping and had an overall wonderful day. After a nice supper with my husband, I had practice at the church. That is where it all started. See at the church I had to change into dance clothes. (tight fitting body showing clothes) All of a sudden I feel less of everything. Confidence... down...freedom.... gone....outward, thinking of others focus...squelched. I put on my long sweater and scarf in an attempt to hide my every lump and bump and made it through practice. Then off to dance and after realizing I didn't have my hair band every insecurity I had came flooding in. I pictured myself as this not having it all together, awkward, over weight, lazy... and the list goes on. I could swear I saw in the eyes of my instructor, "wow she needs to get it together...what a walking disaster....etc"
For Chris and I Valentines day was today. He is flying out of town tomorrow and will be gone through Wed. I planned a date for us, finding a new and interesting restaurant and purchasing tickets for us to see The Vow. I planned all day what I was going to wear, how I would do my hair etc. Then with work items taking up a good portion of my day, errands to get done, before my make up was done, Chris was here to pick me up. So once again I was putting on make up in the car. (nothing new for me, I do it all the time) I am assuming (C) that Chris must be thinking, as we are driving to the movie. Not unlike all the (C) I was assuming my dancing instructor was thinking. I had such big plans. Plans, like him coming home and finding me dressed up, hair done and beautiful make up. A wife prepared and ready for her man. Instead we are in the car, on our way to the matinee and I am still getting ready. I joked about it, but hated it, and fought to keep the (C) out of my mind.
After a wonderful romantic movie we went on to dinner. The place was wonderful, food terrific and I was feeling great! The clientele were uppity, but I felt like I belonged. It was then sitting there enjoying the entire experience, the food, the ambiance, the conversation, the admiring looks from my loving husband, his winks, that I realized how true this text is about me. I feel confident, if I think I look confident. I feel smart if I think I look smart. I feel sexy, if I think I look sexy.
It all boils down to what others must be thinking. I am way to consumed with what others are thinking. I am way to consumed with there perceptions of me. So much so, if I think they must seeing a sloppy, disheveled person, it knocks me down into vats of (C). Compounding the issue is my personality which makes it difficult to be the always put together person.
There are many problems with what I just wrote. I need to stop looking on the outside of me, and spend more time on the inside. I need to stop thinking about what people are thinking about the outside of me and concentrate on what Christ sees on the inside of me. I need to stop dwelling on the exterior (C) and spend more time cleaning up the interior (C).
I was walking into dance class, a few minutes late, rushing, when I realized I had forgotten to bring a hair band to put my hair up. I was such a mess. Long hair curly, wild and huge. All day I had felt quite cute and together. I had make up on, my hair was wild but curly and I had a shimmery scarf on. I took a group of Korean students to a Korean restaurant did some shopping and had an overall wonderful day. After a nice supper with my husband, I had practice at the church. That is where it all started. See at the church I had to change into dance clothes. (tight fitting body showing clothes) All of a sudden I feel less of everything. Confidence... down...freedom.... gone....outward, thinking of others focus...squelched. I put on my long sweater and scarf in an attempt to hide my every lump and bump and made it through practice. Then off to dance and after realizing I didn't have my hair band every insecurity I had came flooding in. I pictured myself as this not having it all together, awkward, over weight, lazy... and the list goes on. I could swear I saw in the eyes of my instructor, "wow she needs to get it together...what a walking disaster....etc"
For Chris and I Valentines day was today. He is flying out of town tomorrow and will be gone through Wed. I planned a date for us, finding a new and interesting restaurant and purchasing tickets for us to see The Vow. I planned all day what I was going to wear, how I would do my hair etc. Then with work items taking up a good portion of my day, errands to get done, before my make up was done, Chris was here to pick me up. So once again I was putting on make up in the car. (nothing new for me, I do it all the time) I am assuming (C) that Chris must be thinking, as we are driving to the movie. Not unlike all the (C) I was assuming my dancing instructor was thinking. I had such big plans. Plans, like him coming home and finding me dressed up, hair done and beautiful make up. A wife prepared and ready for her man. Instead we are in the car, on our way to the matinee and I am still getting ready. I joked about it, but hated it, and fought to keep the (C) out of my mind.
After a wonderful romantic movie we went on to dinner. The place was wonderful, food terrific and I was feeling great! The clientele were uppity, but I felt like I belonged. It was then sitting there enjoying the entire experience, the food, the ambiance, the conversation, the admiring looks from my loving husband, his winks, that I realized how true this text is about me. I feel confident, if I think I look confident. I feel smart if I think I look smart. I feel sexy, if I think I look sexy.
It all boils down to what others must be thinking. I am way to consumed with what others are thinking. I am way to consumed with there perceptions of me. So much so, if I think they must seeing a sloppy, disheveled person, it knocks me down into vats of (C). Compounding the issue is my personality which makes it difficult to be the always put together person.
There are many problems with what I just wrote. I need to stop looking on the outside of me, and spend more time on the inside. I need to stop thinking about what people are thinking about the outside of me and concentrate on what Christ sees on the inside of me. I need to stop dwelling on the exterior (C) and spend more time cleaning up the interior (C).
138-Dancing
So tonight was dance class and I once again tried to dance. At one point we were leaping across the room. We were asked to go two at a time so our instructor could watch and critique. I knew I had no idea how it was supposed to be but I decided to leap across the room in time. The instructor started laughing and said I had been just freely leaping across the room, and it was great...but completely wrong! I started to go to the familiar place of insecurities and shame, but very quickly put that (C) down and remembered that I want to be able to be goofy and I had done something. She wasn't trying to shame me, she wasn't being mean, she found delight and joy in my attempt. She then shared what I should have done and I tried again. This time I wasn't leaping as freely but it was a little more like what it was supposed to be. Even now, it is easy to want to slip back into the (C) but I am just trying to stay strong, even if I don't believe it, I keep telling myself that silly, leaping, free leaping is way better than nothing, or awkward self focused insecure clopping. It is a start.
There is something really wonderful about being willing to be goofy. I have a long way to go, perhaps I'm just at go.... maybe the ...ofy will come.
Along the same theme, the first part of our dress up outfits for the Princess Half came in the mail. They look great! I love mine and I am determined to have fun being goofy. Being silly for 13.1 miles. As I sit here writing I see them on the couch and I can see me and my girls dressed up together bejeweled and girly from head to toe.
Tonight, I am grateful for being just a little more free, pushing myself to find the goofy, and be willing to be silly and enjoy my girls. Tonight, I am so thankful for a Savior who is willing to walk very slowly with me, and who delights in me finding joy.
There is something really wonderful about being willing to be goofy. I have a long way to go, perhaps I'm just at go.... maybe the ...ofy will come.
Along the same theme, the first part of our dress up outfits for the Princess Half came in the mail. They look great! I love mine and I am determined to have fun being goofy. Being silly for 13.1 miles. As I sit here writing I see them on the couch and I can see me and my girls dressed up together bejeweled and girly from head to toe.
Tonight, I am grateful for being just a little more free, pushing myself to find the goofy, and be willing to be silly and enjoy my girls. Tonight, I am so thankful for a Savior who is willing to walk very slowly with me, and who delights in me finding joy.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
137-A day late....
I have to confess, I have no excuse for not posting yesterday. I just got home late and went to bed. It is always hard to blog after driving home, when I have been gone. I miss my man and I just don't want to take the time to blog when I can be with him.
Yesterday was crazy busy, lots going on at work and my grandfathers 92 birthday. My uncle was in town and invited me to a birthday lunch for grandfather. I was free and accepted. The lunch was at a wonderful restaurant and I enjoyed it very much. Over the years I have used my admiration of my grandparents and my love for them to cover up and mask the hurt I have felt. Instead of acknowledging the pain they have caused I have just kept my focus on all the wonderful things that they are. Yesterday, I realized that identifying the (C) they have thrown at me as (C), and acknowledging the pain, has not hindered my ability to still see them as the remarkable human beings they are. In fact quite the opposite. Yesterday, watching my once elegant grandfather looking so old and feeble I felt nothing but love for him. I know he loves me, and I will just keep taking showers to get rid of the (C) that is slung.
I guess for the first time I could admire him without using the admiration to cover up (C). For the first time my admiration was not a defensive mechanism but was just pure love. I am so thankful for this process. I am so thankful that I am free to love and accept my grandparents while at the same time protecting and caring for myself. I don't have to cherish the (C) to cherish them. To reject the (C) they throw is not rejecting them. This is a wonderful, amazingly freeing change and I am very grateful!
Yesterday was crazy busy, lots going on at work and my grandfathers 92 birthday. My uncle was in town and invited me to a birthday lunch for grandfather. I was free and accepted. The lunch was at a wonderful restaurant and I enjoyed it very much. Over the years I have used my admiration of my grandparents and my love for them to cover up and mask the hurt I have felt. Instead of acknowledging the pain they have caused I have just kept my focus on all the wonderful things that they are. Yesterday, I realized that identifying the (C) they have thrown at me as (C), and acknowledging the pain, has not hindered my ability to still see them as the remarkable human beings they are. In fact quite the opposite. Yesterday, watching my once elegant grandfather looking so old and feeble I felt nothing but love for him. I know he loves me, and I will just keep taking showers to get rid of the (C) that is slung.
I guess for the first time I could admire him without using the admiration to cover up (C). For the first time my admiration was not a defensive mechanism but was just pure love. I am so thankful for this process. I am so thankful that I am free to love and accept my grandparents while at the same time protecting and caring for myself. I don't have to cherish the (C) to cherish them. To reject the (C) they throw is not rejecting them. This is a wonderful, amazingly freeing change and I am very grateful!
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
136- Testing
So today I worked with Tanya Musgrave on a video we are getting ready to film for Pisgah. It is hopefully going to be an inspirational film about the students here at Pisgah. We were working on what it would ultimately say and how. Then we were trying to work on a location, lighting etc. So I was the one who had to sit in a chair in front of her lights, and talk into the camera. Now still pictures are a struggle for me, being on film last week with the recruiting team was hard, but sitting in front of a camera and just randomly talking and then looking at it over and over again.....Terrifying.
I noticed a few things. First, I have a hard time with eye contact, especially when I am nervous and uncomfortable. Second, I look like I'm afraid of the camera.... I am. I have a face that expresses extremes, dead to very much alive. Being uncomfortable makes for some very funny faces.
I don't like pretending, I don't like being silly, I don't know how to be. I don't know how to just be goofy and enjoy it. I know it is connected to being too bound up in (C). Tonight, I am reflecting on the day and hoping I get a change to do testing again, and I then plan to throw out (C) let my hair down and just be silly, make faces, laugh at myself, and stop the insecure tied up in (C) look.
Tanya, is the girl who took my pictures, and yesterday I told her that if I keep hanging around her I will have to get over my issues. She certainly has a way of pushing me. She is always a little goofy and just expects I will be the same. I love and appreciate her so much.
So tonight I am going to try to be a little more goofy! A little less sober! I am going to find some way this week to let go and be silly, just have fun on a childlike level!
I noticed a few things. First, I have a hard time with eye contact, especially when I am nervous and uncomfortable. Second, I look like I'm afraid of the camera.... I am. I have a face that expresses extremes, dead to very much alive. Being uncomfortable makes for some very funny faces.
I don't like pretending, I don't like being silly, I don't know how to be. I don't know how to just be goofy and enjoy it. I know it is connected to being too bound up in (C). Tonight, I am reflecting on the day and hoping I get a change to do testing again, and I then plan to throw out (C) let my hair down and just be silly, make faces, laugh at myself, and stop the insecure tied up in (C) look.
Tanya, is the girl who took my pictures, and yesterday I told her that if I keep hanging around her I will have to get over my issues. She certainly has a way of pushing me. She is always a little goofy and just expects I will be the same. I love and appreciate her so much.
So tonight I am going to try to be a little more goofy! A little less sober! I am going to find some way this week to let go and be silly, just have fun on a childlike level!
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