I know the title is way too long! But it is true. I love a good roller coaster ride. The anticipation, the climb, the crops, spins, never knowing what is coming next, or knowing and anticipating the thrill. I love them. I love them in amusement parks.
The last two weeks has been an almost hourly roller coaster ride of ups and downs. Moments that thrill my soul, affirm what I am doing on this earth, give me energy to keep fighting the fight, and then literally moments later I am fighting with a challenge that seems impossible to over come. I would love to share with you details, of the highest and the lowest moments so you could understand the magnitude of this roller coaster, but I can't! I will say this, tonight, was a terribly difficult time! Tonight was a time when the low seemed to go on for ever and you wondered when it would stop!!!
So what do you do with the lows, how do you celebrate the highs, with the lows right there! How, how, how!
As I sat tonight thinking about this roller coaster ride, I had a thought. We are not here to be glorified! We are not here to have everything go right so that I can say, wow look what I did!!!! We are here to serve, we are here to do our part, to love those around us, to forgive, to share joy, to find the good. It is not about how we are when things are great, but when things are difficult.
Today, I hurt for those around me. Today, I saw lots of (C)!!!! Today, I am going to sleep, praying for so many who are hurting! Today, I am going to sleep, praying that in all things! That is ALL things HE will be glorified.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
216- Surprise!
This evening I got a call from Chris as I was parking the car in the parking lot of Tupelo Honey, a local restaurant here in Asheville, NC. He sounded so happy, almost excited. I asked him about his day and he didn't say much. Trying to find out where the happiness was coming from I asked if he was riding his motorcycle. No, he told me there was to high a chance for rain. I was sitting in the car with Rachell a student here at Pisgah. I had agreed to take her out for a quick dinner. She is trying to eat vegan, so since supper in the cafe was grilled cheese sandwiches, we decided to go out. With her in the car, I decided to say good by to Chris and head inside.
Rachell and I ordered and than proceeded to have a wonderful conversation about the day and life in general. I am so impressed with this young woman. She is smart, witty, and a girl who loves the Lord. It was so uplifting. With the past couple days, the stress level etc. it was such a beautiful conversation. We were enjoying our time, and then Surprise!!!!! I look up to see Chris walking toward me! Instantly my stomach leaps, I start to tear up, I'm so excited he is there. I tried to restrain myself! I didn't want to make Rachell uncomfortable. Perhaps the most moving was realizing the joy in his voice, the excitement I heard was the anticipation of him seeing me! Wow! It wasn't a motorcycle ride, it wasn't a raise, or just a good day at work, it was me!
This morning I awoke without hearing my alarm and realized I had 10 minutes to meet two beautiful girls for our breakfast date. I had the privilege of going to breakfast with two of the sweetest, smartest little girls you could ever meet. They are so joy filled. They just delight in life. Gum, and fruit snacks delight them. Going out to breakfast is new and exciting. Drawing and writing their names on the paper covered tables brought giggles and many minutes of fun! Oh how precious!
Rachell and I ordered and than proceeded to have a wonderful conversation about the day and life in general. I am so impressed with this young woman. She is smart, witty, and a girl who loves the Lord. It was so uplifting. With the past couple days, the stress level etc. it was such a beautiful conversation. We were enjoying our time, and then Surprise!!!!! I look up to see Chris walking toward me! Instantly my stomach leaps, I start to tear up, I'm so excited he is there. I tried to restrain myself! I didn't want to make Rachell uncomfortable. Perhaps the most moving was realizing the joy in his voice, the excitement I heard was the anticipation of him seeing me! Wow! It wasn't a motorcycle ride, it wasn't a raise, or just a good day at work, it was me!
This morning I awoke without hearing my alarm and realized I had 10 minutes to meet two beautiful girls for our breakfast date. I had the privilege of going to breakfast with two of the sweetest, smartest little girls you could ever meet. They are so joy filled. They just delight in life. Gum, and fruit snacks delight them. Going out to breakfast is new and exciting. Drawing and writing their names on the paper covered tables brought giggles and many minutes of fun! Oh how precious!
On one of the most stressful days of the year for work. Today I treated myself to a ladies breakfast where joy was shared, where I was reminded of the simple pleasures. These precious girls reminded me of the importance of being like a child, and finding the joy in the little things.
On one of the most stressful days of the year, my man so beautifully showed me his love and support. He surprised me, drove 2+ hours just to see me. He came so I could spend some time with my head on his chest, breathing in peace, and strength. Today started with childlike joy, and today is ending with peace that comes from the knowledge of a lasting and true love. What a blessed day.
Today, because of the blessings that come from those who love me, I am resting, knowing HE has it covered and somehow if I give it up, HE will be glorified!
So today, I am living MtC because of Gods love in the morning at breakfast, and because of the surprise of a grand gesture God blessed me with. What a beautiful way to sandwich an otherwise stress filled day!
215- Tuesday....Letting Go, Letting God,
So after working until 1:45 in the morning, I still awoke around 7, got ready for the day, ate breakfast with the grandparents and then headed out the door by 8:45. I went straight down town to purchase a game I had read about online, to use this coming weekend. After arriving at the school, after working a couple more hours on my plans, and as I was headed out the door for lunch, I found out none of my plans would work.
We have recently lost a member of our school family. A very dear woman, who loved my girls so much, who served as our school as nurse for years, lost her battle with cancer. It has been hard to take. She was one of those ladies who just spread the love of Jesus everywhere she went. I found out her funeral will be held Sabbath afternoon in the middle of our Academy Days weekend. There is no question her funeral, takes priority! However I also have to find a way to host our guests Sabbath afternoon. Of course many of our students and most of our staff want to be at the funeral, and that leaves a campus full of guests.
So after countless hours putting together a plan, it is all out the window. It is times like these when I remember it is not about my plans but about HIS plans. There is no point in trying to keep pushing my plans ahead, I need to stop and pray and ask God to reveal his plans for the weekend. So today, instead of letting despair get the beat of me I have had to regroup. Trust that he will give me a plan, there is something better out there. I'm waiting!!!!! I'm listening!!!!! I am trusting!!!!
So today, (actually I am finishing this a day late, I fell asleep with the computer on my chest, awoke after sleeping through my alarm, so technically this was yesterday :)) So yesterday, I just attempted to live MtC by just letting go and letting God!!!
We have recently lost a member of our school family. A very dear woman, who loved my girls so much, who served as our school as nurse for years, lost her battle with cancer. It has been hard to take. She was one of those ladies who just spread the love of Jesus everywhere she went. I found out her funeral will be held Sabbath afternoon in the middle of our Academy Days weekend. There is no question her funeral, takes priority! However I also have to find a way to host our guests Sabbath afternoon. Of course many of our students and most of our staff want to be at the funeral, and that leaves a campus full of guests.
So after countless hours putting together a plan, it is all out the window. It is times like these when I remember it is not about my plans but about HIS plans. There is no point in trying to keep pushing my plans ahead, I need to stop and pray and ask God to reveal his plans for the weekend. So today, instead of letting despair get the beat of me I have had to regroup. Trust that he will give me a plan, there is something better out there. I'm waiting!!!!! I'm listening!!!!! I am trusting!!!!
So today, (actually I am finishing this a day late, I fell asleep with the computer on my chest, awoke after sleeping through my alarm, so technically this was yesterday :)) So yesterday, I just attempted to live MtC by just letting go and letting God!!!
214- Monday SOOOOOOO Much to do!
This is the week leading up to Academy Days. Academy Days is perhaps one of the most important things I do all year. It is when potential students come onto our campus to check out the campus, staff, students, and overall program in an effort to make a decision about school. It is what can make the difference in them coming or not. The preparations are huge and with the drama tour, and other major events I am now finding myself behind. Today was a day filled with lists, figuring out what I can do, and what I must do.
At about 4 in the afternoon, I headed into Beth's office. I desperately needed to talk about something for just a couple moments that had nothing to do with school or work. I was hoping we could spend just a couple minutes and talk about our kids. When I stepped into the library I could see her office was empty. I said something to the student watching the library and she said Beth had gone home sick.... I was so disappointed. I was so ready for a break, so ready to have some Beth time!
Disappointed, I went back to my office and went to work. I worked until 8:15, then headed to town to pick up some supplies I had promised a student. I made it to the store just in time to hear them say we needed to make our final purchases before they closed. I rushed, found things to buy and then checked out. It was 9pm and I was starving. I finally decided to go to Cracker Barrel and get a grill cheese and french fries. Not exactly a nutritious. I left Cracker Barrel around 9:45 and then drove to Grandparents. I fell into bed and started this post. Then I found myself panicked about all that I needed to do so I stopped blogging and worked until 1:45 on Academy Days Schedule. This morning the first paragraph of the blog was completed and the rest sat unfinished. Knowing I had so much to do I just ran to work and decided to finish it tonight.
Yesterday, another day of trying to live MtC found me working very hard and long, finding little time for things that really matter to me! Today was difficult, but one of those days where you just do what you have to do! I'm afraid this whole week will be that way!
At about 4 in the afternoon, I headed into Beth's office. I desperately needed to talk about something for just a couple moments that had nothing to do with school or work. I was hoping we could spend just a couple minutes and talk about our kids. When I stepped into the library I could see her office was empty. I said something to the student watching the library and she said Beth had gone home sick.... I was so disappointed. I was so ready for a break, so ready to have some Beth time!
Disappointed, I went back to my office and went to work. I worked until 8:15, then headed to town to pick up some supplies I had promised a student. I made it to the store just in time to hear them say we needed to make our final purchases before they closed. I rushed, found things to buy and then checked out. It was 9pm and I was starving. I finally decided to go to Cracker Barrel and get a grill cheese and french fries. Not exactly a nutritious. I left Cracker Barrel around 9:45 and then drove to Grandparents. I fell into bed and started this post. Then I found myself panicked about all that I needed to do so I stopped blogging and worked until 1:45 on Academy Days Schedule. This morning the first paragraph of the blog was completed and the rest sat unfinished. Knowing I had so much to do I just ran to work and decided to finish it tonight.
Yesterday, another day of trying to live MtC found me working very hard and long, finding little time for things that really matter to me! Today was difficult, but one of those days where you just do what you have to do! I'm afraid this whole week will be that way!
213- Saying Good bye (late because of no internet)
Sunday was not a sleep in and enjoy the morning kind of day. I had a committee meeting I had to have agenda and handouts ready for by 9am. So Chris and I were up early, I was getting ready, trying to look awake and then head out the door. It was sad watching Chris pack his things. The guest house room was still crazy with stuff everywhere and then on one of the beds was his neat little pile, his things packed and ready to go. I hate the days we have to say good by!
We headed out the door, and down to my office where he proceeded to work on things that needed to get done, like switching my phone over (my old one was dying, they gave me a new one, Chris was getting all my pictures contacts etc. moved.). What a man. I worked on the agenda for my meeting and then ran out the door.
The meeting went fine, we were able to get lots accomplished. Then I headed back down to my office to grab a key for the school shuttle so I could take my new recruiting team out for a very short celebration. It was the only time we could squeeze it into the crazy schedule. In the office, I found Chris still working on my phone. I was surprised to find him there and suggested that he come with us to Dunkin so he could get something for breakfast. He agreed. We headed to Dunkin, celebrated with the students and then said good bye. Chris was on his way home, and I was headed back to school to work on the up coming week.
I cannot begin to express how sad it makes me to say good bye. Every fiber of my being wants to just write a resignation letter effective immediately and go home too! I hate being separated! I hate not being around when he gets home from work. I hate not being there to see if his face is stressed, or if he is tired or happy about something. I hate it! Yet, I know for now we are still trying to make this work. We are still trying to find a way to make it through. We both believe in what I am doing and see the purpose. I know Chris also see's how much I enjoy it. How it has grown me, developed me. Strengthened me. So why does it have to be so hard!
After saying good bye to Chris, and dropping the students off, I could not make myself go to work. I didn't want to be the only one in the office on Sunday afternoon. It is especially hard, working alone, when you know everyone is with their families. So I went up the hill to see Andrew, the last of my family on campus. He was at Becca's house. I sat on their deck and talked. It was wonderful family time. Wonderful interaction, and I enjoyed it so much, but oh how I wished my man was there. I get tired of being the one without a husband around. It was wonderful seeing my boy!!!! It was wonderful seeing Becca!!! It was wonderful being with the Anderson's!!!! As wonderful as it was it doesn't take the place of being at home with my man!
After spending many hours working in the office after my time with the Anderson family, I headed up to the guest house alone. I watched a movie on my new Ipad (a birthday gift from chris :)) and then decided to blog. The internet and my phone connection were so bad I had to just save this and will post later. As you can tell by this post, I hate saying good bye, I miss my man. Chris brings me so much joy! So much love! Chris is my best friend, he gets me, loves me, admires me, and still thinks I'm hot! I hope and look forward to the day when there is a better plan for our lives. I look forward to the day when we are able to spend time together every evening, and better yet when it is just the two of us everyday, all day long!
Today I was able to let myself be sad! I didn't beat myself up, for having this job! Today, I have been trying to let myself face the feelings, admit them and even accept them. Tonight I enjoyed saying goodnight to Chris on the phone, and I am counting the days when we are together again!
One more day attempting to live MtC, allowing myself to feel sad. One more day in the right direction!
We headed out the door, and down to my office where he proceeded to work on things that needed to get done, like switching my phone over (my old one was dying, they gave me a new one, Chris was getting all my pictures contacts etc. moved.). What a man. I worked on the agenda for my meeting and then ran out the door.
The meeting went fine, we were able to get lots accomplished. Then I headed back down to my office to grab a key for the school shuttle so I could take my new recruiting team out for a very short celebration. It was the only time we could squeeze it into the crazy schedule. In the office, I found Chris still working on my phone. I was surprised to find him there and suggested that he come with us to Dunkin so he could get something for breakfast. He agreed. We headed to Dunkin, celebrated with the students and then said good bye. Chris was on his way home, and I was headed back to school to work on the up coming week.
I cannot begin to express how sad it makes me to say good bye. Every fiber of my being wants to just write a resignation letter effective immediately and go home too! I hate being separated! I hate not being around when he gets home from work. I hate not being there to see if his face is stressed, or if he is tired or happy about something. I hate it! Yet, I know for now we are still trying to make this work. We are still trying to find a way to make it through. We both believe in what I am doing and see the purpose. I know Chris also see's how much I enjoy it. How it has grown me, developed me. Strengthened me. So why does it have to be so hard!
After saying good bye to Chris, and dropping the students off, I could not make myself go to work. I didn't want to be the only one in the office on Sunday afternoon. It is especially hard, working alone, when you know everyone is with their families. So I went up the hill to see Andrew, the last of my family on campus. He was at Becca's house. I sat on their deck and talked. It was wonderful family time. Wonderful interaction, and I enjoyed it so much, but oh how I wished my man was there. I get tired of being the one without a husband around. It was wonderful seeing my boy!!!! It was wonderful seeing Becca!!! It was wonderful being with the Anderson's!!!! As wonderful as it was it doesn't take the place of being at home with my man!
After spending many hours working in the office after my time with the Anderson family, I headed up to the guest house alone. I watched a movie on my new Ipad (a birthday gift from chris :)) and then decided to blog. The internet and my phone connection were so bad I had to just save this and will post later. As you can tell by this post, I hate saying good bye, I miss my man. Chris brings me so much joy! So much love! Chris is my best friend, he gets me, loves me, admires me, and still thinks I'm hot! I hope and look forward to the day when there is a better plan for our lives. I look forward to the day when we are able to spend time together every evening, and better yet when it is just the two of us everyday, all day long!
Today I was able to let myself be sad! I didn't beat myself up, for having this job! Today, I have been trying to let myself face the feelings, admit them and even accept them. Tonight I enjoyed saying goodnight to Chris on the phone, and I am counting the days when we are together again!
One more day attempting to live MtC, allowing myself to feel sad. One more day in the right direction!
Sunday, April 22, 2012
212- Torn
This time of year is crazy, and Chris and I spend lots of time away from each other. We know it is coming. We plan, or dread it coming and do our best to survive it and make the best of this time. Yet it is still terrible. I feel stronger with him around and every time we get ready to leave each other or say good bye I feel weak, I feel incapable of one more step alone, and yet some how I make it! Today we were in the sanctuary after the service trying to get the different honor classes to come to the front and have a class picture taken! No one could hear the woman who was trying to call them. She was using the mic but it wasn't very loud and she was talking way to soft. I finally asked if I could try getting people's attention. She agreed and I stepped up to the mic. I used my outdoor voice and spoke very loudly into the mic. It was very loud, good.... Then I looked up, and Chris, my man was at the sound board in a church, not his, helping me out!!!!!! I saw something I could do which was speak loud, and he saw something he could do which was turn up the mic, together we were able to get people's attention!!!!! In many situations just like that he sees something that needs to be done and just does it. It makes me feel safe, and covered. I feel stronger!
Today was my 25th high school reunion, what a day. Seeing people we have not seen in a long time. Everyone trying to impress each other. There were many good moments, lots of laughs, and memories awakened. I have to say this was perhaps the best alumni day for me! I felt the strongest! I felt comfortable in my own skin. I didn't feel insecure, or small. I didn't wonder if I was measuring up, I was just happy hearing about my class mates lives, and laughing. I am so thankful for the freedom this process has brought. Twice today I remember telling myself to use the seran wrap shield Carolyn had ordered from heaven to keep the crap others were slinging off of me, but for the most part I just experienced and enjoyed the time with others. Thankful I'm feeling better and stronger. Thankful that as my focus stays on "all things good" I am able to let go so much easier. Thankful that today I could enjoy my friends and perhaps see them more clearly since I'm not hanging on to quite so much (C)!
So today was a good day, but tomorrow I have to say good bye to Chris. It will be a full week before we are together again! That makes me sad. I'm trying to let myself feel it, express it and I'm hoping that will keep me from stuffing my feelings, making it easier to accept crap!
So tonight I am thankful for my man and so sad to have him leave! I thankful for a pleasant day with friends and thankful for the progress I seem to be making at living MtC!
Today was my 25th high school reunion, what a day. Seeing people we have not seen in a long time. Everyone trying to impress each other. There were many good moments, lots of laughs, and memories awakened. I have to say this was perhaps the best alumni day for me! I felt the strongest! I felt comfortable in my own skin. I didn't feel insecure, or small. I didn't wonder if I was measuring up, I was just happy hearing about my class mates lives, and laughing. I am so thankful for the freedom this process has brought. Twice today I remember telling myself to use the seran wrap shield Carolyn had ordered from heaven to keep the crap others were slinging off of me, but for the most part I just experienced and enjoyed the time with others. Thankful I'm feeling better and stronger. Thankful that as my focus stays on "all things good" I am able to let go so much easier. Thankful that today I could enjoy my friends and perhaps see them more clearly since I'm not hanging on to quite so much (C)!
So today was a good day, but tomorrow I have to say good bye to Chris. It will be a full week before we are together again! That makes me sad. I'm trying to let myself feel it, express it and I'm hoping that will keep me from stuffing my feelings, making it easier to accept crap!
So tonight I am thankful for my man and so sad to have him leave! I thankful for a pleasant day with friends and thankful for the progress I seem to be making at living MtC!
Friday, April 20, 2012
211- It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want too.....
Well it is my birthday and I have cried. Not from sadness but overwhelmed with love!!!! First, the most beautiful emails from dear friends who know all the right things to say! I awoke to their kind words and was overcome with joy and love. Then time with my dad preparing for a sermon we were blessed to give together. Our study time was uplifting, we ministered to each other and then we put together our sermon. What a blessing to see eye to eye with your dad about deep theological issues that are not just expected. I'm proud of my dad! I was also blessed by my husbands help at a stressful time, his willingness to be my support ministered to me! A wonderful phone call from my brother Peter who I dearly love and miss. Messages from my other siblings, being sung happy birthday to with a sprinkled covered doughnut, thanks Becca and Andrew! Lunch with such a fun group of friends! Over 100 Facebook messages, what a blessing. Roses from Mike and Lynn. My drama team supporting me tonight, and all wishing me a happy birthday. It has certainly been a (-C) day... (thanks Lucy for the new symbol!). Oh yes my Aunt Lynn sang to me too. Lydia sent me a sweet message, and so many others.
Tonight I'm am thankful for my short comings.... So the only (C) today I buried and God made something beautiful out of it.... Today was hardley the day I had planned. I was busy, and could not seem to get it all done. It was 6:40 pm when I headed to the guest house to get cleaned up. ( i needed to be at the church no later than 7:15. 7 would have been better) Chris was still at the office working for me on power point, I ran to get cute...or try. Then I realized there was no time, my make up was not with me, it was in the car, I could not find my tweezers and I desperately needed to pluck the chin and upper lip hairs. I was distraught and the (C) started pilling up... Then I prayed, told God I was burying it and headed out the door, chin hairs and all! It became an illustration in the sermon, and more than one person mentioned how much they could relate or how appreciative they were of my chin hair illustration! All I can say is what a blessing to have God take it and use the very crap I buried today! God is good.
Tonight I'm am thankful for my short comings.... So the only (C) today I buried and God made something beautiful out of it.... Today was hardley the day I had planned. I was busy, and could not seem to get it all done. It was 6:40 pm when I headed to the guest house to get cleaned up. ( i needed to be at the church no later than 7:15. 7 would have been better) Chris was still at the office working for me on power point, I ran to get cute...or try. Then I realized there was no time, my make up was not with me, it was in the car, I could not find my tweezers and I desperately needed to pluck the chin and upper lip hairs. I was distraught and the (C) started pilling up... Then I prayed, told God I was burying it and headed out the door, chin hairs and all! It became an illustration in the sermon, and more than one person mentioned how much they could relate or how appreciative they were of my chin hair illustration! All I can say is what a blessing to have God take it and use the very crap I buried today! God is good.
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