341- Saying I'm sorry and School pictures

Saying I'm sorry and goodby are not two of my favorite conversations and today I had to do both.  Anna stopped her in Asheville and we went to breakfast.  It was lovely seeing her.  I needed to apologize for the way I had talked with her and I shared how incredible I know she is.  I let her know it was my (C) that was the problem not her.  After a nice conversation we headed to town to see how much shopping we could do for her in one hour.  She only had an hour and desperately needed some pants.  So we ran.  We were successful and using our phones we were able to get an amazing coupon that saved us almost 100 dollars.  It was such a blessing.  She needed to leave no later than 12:30 and she was in her car on her way at 12:20. 

I am sure God will be with her.  I hope this time is remarkable.  I hope she enjoys her friends, her classes and has the opportunity to strengthen her relationship with Christ.  I will be praying for her!

I am exhausted, so this will be short.  I am going to bed tonight, thankful that my kids are safe and sound at Southern, and I will be going home tomorrow to my man.  Sounds good and it is.

Tonight I am trying to let go of the (C) associated with pictures.  Tomorrow is school picture day.  Yes as a staff member we also have to have our pics taken and that is never fun.  Frankly school pictures are the worst.  They are like triggers for me.  I have had so many bad experiences where I hate my pictures that I dread it so much.  Even last years picture is terrible. 

In fact one of my workers just this past week asked me if my picture was really old.  I told her nope it was last years picture.   She said, "well you look so much better now."  I know I don't look that much different... it is just a terrible picture.  Now I am not someone who wines about it to the world and tries to hide when cameras are out, because frankly I think that is worse.  So I seemily completely at peace go and have my picture taken all the while hating hating hating every single second.  It brings up so much (C) from long ago, so many insecurities, so much shame, so much self loathing.  So tonight I have been struggling, trying to let it go, but it has been hard.  It doesn't help that I have to figure out a way to get dressed and get my hair done in a home that is humid. (without air conditioning)   There I go.  This is ridiculous it is just a picture.  No big deal.  I wish I believed that!

Well goodnight all.  I'm headed to bed. 

340- Huge changes- Parenting challenges

Tuesday, today is the day I leave for work.  I woke up and started the process of packing and getting ready for work.  Anna headed out the door before me to a Dr. appointment.  Nothing scary just routine.   I finished up getting ready and then headed out the door to lunch.  On the way I talked with Anna after her appointment was finished.  We chatted about several things and let's just say it wasn't the smoothest conversation.  OK it was awful!  It is so difficult knowing how to be a parent to adults.  I love them so much, admire them, respect them, and yet at times I still want to tell them what is up.  The way it should be, and it never goes well.  Not that they are disrespectful or bad, it is just not how the relationship should be anymore.  It is not that they can't ask for advice or help.  I should be willing to share wisdom when asked.  I can also make suggestions, but the dictating, laying it out play by play should stop!  That part of my life as a mom is over!!!! I'm thankful for that most days.  Today however I was frustrated with what I was seeing and decided I needed to do something about it-- let's be real, I WANTED to do something about it.  After ending a less than bonding conversation  with Anna, I met Chris for lunch.  We talked about my conversation with Anna and being the insightful, intuitive man that he is, he thought perhaps at the root of it all was that she needed to go back to Southern and finish her BS instead of doing it online from home. He saw her need instead of all the symptoms I was gripping and scolding her for. So we called Anna together.  In a matter of two hours, after talking with Anna on the phone, she was excitedly packing for college and had a room reserved.  It all happened so fast, I was left stunned as I drove over to work.  The whole drive, I questioned my conversation with her, pondered my role as a mother of adult children, second guessed how things happened and the outcome and ended up just praying a lot!  The good news is this I am at peace that God took my messed up and very wrong explosion of a talk--- Oh who am I kidding--- my scolding, made something good come out of it.  Don't get me wrong, I am not justifying my scolding!  I should not have scolded her it was wrong and I wish I could take it back.  I will apologize when I see her tomorrow. What is amazing though is that God can take our ick--our mistakes and he can turn it into something great!

So today I spent lots of time struggling with God about how to communicate with my kids.  How to love them unconditionally, how to cheer them on and not shame them, how to be their support and their help, without smothering them.  I joked tonight that if I wrote a book about parenting adult children it would go like this.  It would be three hundred pages long, The first page would say... Shut up!  The second page would be... Pray!  The rest of the pages would be blank.

Truth be told, the real crap I dealt with today is all the (C) that makes me want my kids to be great! I want them to excel, to thrive, to be happy and I want to make them that way. Sure we all want that, and there is nothing wrong with wanting good for our kids, but it is very wrong when our own inadequacies drive us.  Truth is it is my own (C) my own shame the drove me today when I was scolding her, and nothing else!  Sadly today I was slinging (C) and that is absolutely unacceptable.  So tomorrow I will apologize and tonight I will spend time with God, thanking him so very much for taking my screw up, my (C), and he guided her and set a new plan into motion that will hopefully be a better fit for her. 

339- Appreciating Work

Monday,  the day before I head back to work--  lets just say I was in a funk!  Huge funk!  I didn't want to leave.  I just wanted to be home, with my husband and my girl.  I love traveling, I love my job, but I hate leaving him.  OK I know I have blogged about this before, but it was my struggle on Monday.  All I could do was mope.  My feelings took over and I was a wreck.  Chris got home from work and ended up having to work very hard to drag a smile, or anything out of me.   Finally after watching mindless terrible TV, we headed off to bed.  As we climbed into bed I told Chris that it was all about not wanting to leave him, hating that I had to go.  I then said, "I should just quit."  To which he said, "Beth you love your job! You love the kids! You have been called to this job for now! You will be fine."  I'm not sure that is exactly what he said, but I'm sure about the you love your job and you love the kids part!  He was right.  I know for now this is where God wants me to be, and I also know (thanks to the wisdom from a friend) it is OK to feel and I was feeling sad!

I am thankful for my work, for the ministry it includes, for the quality amazing students who amaze me everyday!  For the incredible staff I have the privilege of partnering with.  I am incredibly blessed and sad all at the same time!  What I must distinguish between is (C) and just sad feelings.  It is not (C) that I will miss my husband, it is not (C) that I am sad to leave, it is (C) to shame myself for feeling! 

338- A day with my man!

Sunday, no kids home, only a couple must do things, so we did a lot of nothing!  It was lovely.  We had planned on taking a ride on the motorcycle and finding a place to have breakfast.  However, as we were starting to get ready we got a call from Andrew who was driving over to college.  He was having some car trouble so.... we decided we better stay close to the phone and close to home in case we needed to take a very long road trip.  So I made breakfast and we did more of nothing.  There is no question we were sick about Andrews car. He has had the worst car luck.  This is a car we just bought on Friday... and now it is giving him problems.  What a let down.  It may be nothing much but it could be bad.  Once again people I love are being disappointed-- that brings up (C) for me.  Today I just kept trying to keep it positive.  Both Chris and Andrew were having a really difficult day.

Later in the day we headed into town for supper and then waited for Anna to arrive in Charlotte on the bus after a little jaunt to Florida.  It was good to see her.  We took her to get some food and then headed home.  Over all tonight I am counting my blessings.  Andrew is dealing with disappointment, but he is safe at Southern,  Sarah is safe, Anna is home safe, I am in a marriage with a man who adores me,  and I serve a Savior who promises that all things--- even disappointment--- will work together for good, because I am HIS!!!! 

Tonight I am praying for my girl and my boy at Southern!  Thanking him for my blessings and asking for wisdom to navigate being a parent to three wonderful adults.

337- Being called by name---a name change

It is interesting how the Lord works.  Recently lots of moments have come to my attention dealing with names-- being called names-- what we are named-- He knows our name--a new name or a name change.

If you remember I told you about the monologue done by my friend Kim where she is the woman at the well.  In that monologue there was a lot about her name, ultimately highlighting the fact that "He knows our name!"  It was powerful for me.  To contemplate and think about Him knowing my name, calling me by name when perhaps others overlook it or overlook me.  Him knowing my name is really about Him knowing me.  

Chris has for much of our life called me "baby".  It is just his term of endearment and I love it--- however when he lovingly calls me "Beth"  I can't tell you what that does for me.  Perhaps it is because he rarely calls me by name--or perhaps it is because when he is calling me "Beth" he is saying something of importance, that is meaningful and to have it connected to me--- Wow!  Honestly I think the reason it is most important is because I haven't always loved my name "Beth".   I wanted to be called Elizabeth for much of my life, because it was more regal, more elegant etc.  Yet when this man-- this wonderful man who adores me calls me "Beth" it melts me. Flip flops my heart.  I LOVE it!

I remember very clearly when I was on a plane coming home from Ethiopia defending my name.  I was 10 and with a full plane, our family was split and I was sitting next to an old man.  He asked me my name, I said "Beth".  He then in a scolding tone said no He wanted to know my full name, so I told him, and He said, "you should change your name",  I said right back with as much sass as I could muster, "NO, why should I, I was named after two beautiful queens and two grandmothers".  I then crossed my arms and ignored him for the rest of the long flight.  I defended my name.

Driving to the Beth Moore event, Kim was telling me about her parents naming one of her siblings.  It was an interesting story that was connected to the story of Jacob and how after wrestling with the angel, had his name changed to Israel.  I remember a funny story about a name change.  My brother Samuel was born to my parents after my mother kept begging my dad for one more child.  My father being the good pastor type who found humor in biblical references would always say to my mother, "Am I not more to you than 10 sons".  So when he was finally born my parents named him Samuel.  I was nine when he was born, and my brothers 12, and 7.5.  We were asked by my parents to pick his middle name.  So we gave him the name Scott.  Samuel Scott Steen was quite a name.  When he was quite a bit older---I think 18months-3years-- my parents decided to add the name Peter.  He was just not a Samuel--- he was a Peter.  It was tricky relearning his name, calling him a new name, but it finally stuck and He is my amazing brother---Peter!

Today Beth Moore took us through a study of Genesis 32-33.  It was all very good, and then she gets to the part about Jacob wrestling with the angel, and then the name change.  I found it interesting that Kim and I had just been talking about this story.  As Beth talked about it, about the meaning of his name, about how he had been named, about being given a new name, a new meaning.  I contemplated my name, and the meaning of my name.  I wondered if I needed a new name, I wondered if Jesus would want me to have a new name and if so what would it be.  As I sat there contemplating it, I thought of what my name means, "consecrated one".  I like that I'm Elizabeth-- consecrated one.  Nice--- perhaps no need to change.  I still wondered, with all the changes in my life, I feel new in a way, I have been wrestling with God this year, hanging on, in some ways I want a new name.  Again I thought, "I wonder what He would call me, ---or maybe it is just that I need to live up to my name, "consecrated one"---- then as if God himself were right there speaking it in my ear---OK it wasn't 'as if'-- God said very clearly in my ear, "Your name is Esther, Esther, Esther-- a shining star"  My eyes filled with tears, it was my name, my given name, even my first name- Esther Elizabeth- Shining star consecrated one. I cried the rest of the meeting.  Is it any wonder that I have been drawn to all things sparkle, I was supposed to! He created me that way, I was named it from the very beginning!  Is it any wonder that in this process of doing my best to let Him help me clean up this stinky mess of (C) that one of the themes, one of the things I have said over and over is how it has dulled me.  Is it any wonder that I love bright colors, that I want sparkle in every room of my house, is it any wonder---  I was just trying to live up to, I am trying to be who I was created to be--- who He designed me to be-- who I was named!  Shining star.  Shining star. Shining star, consecrated one!

336- Less than 30 days left....

Friday night.... once again it marks the beginning of this process.  I started this blog on Friday night after spending the evening at a Woman of Faith Conference with Beth.  That night I remember how much I laughed and how inspired I was to start this process of living MtC.  Tonight I had the amazing privilege to listen to Beth Moore speak live, in Charleston SC. Again I am full, inspired and left feeling very challenged.  I contemplated not blogging tonight for several reasons.  First I am staying in a hotel room with Kim, and the glare of the computer screen and the tapping of the keys can be quite annoying and I hate to be rude.  Second, tonight was so powerful and there was so much packed into it that I am frankly not sure where to start. 

Today as I was traveling down here to Charleston with Kim, a dear new friend, I discovered without all the crap making friends is different. I have never made a new friend without packing on piles of protective (C).I can't say I was (C) free today, but when I noticed it I let it go and it was terrifying at times.   I have not noticed a difference with old friends because we just have patterns, ways of interacting that are know and comfortable.  Some of my friends I know will always like to drive, others love to choose restaurants, others always sit in the front, etc. etc. (Those are just silly trivial things).  I know what their desires are, we have a rhythm and we are all comfortable in our rhythm.  Spending time with someone new, I didn't know what that rhythm would be and I had the opportunity to interact in a vulnerable way. I had to let go of the way I have always been and discover making friends without (C).  It was fun to discover what this process is like.  Please understand it is not bad that I have a comfortable rhythm with my long time friends, in fact I cherish it!  Today was just really interesting because for once, I am making a new friend without quite as much (C) clouding my vision or weighing me down.  It is different. It is good.  We had wonderful conversation and I am so thankful for this invitation to come be with her and hear Beth Moore.

Back to Beth.... I think perhaps the most challenging was a statement where she talked about praying and then doing the incredible difficult work of doing nothing! Of sitting back and letting God instead of praying and then doing everything in our power to make it happen.  Not easy for any of us especially me!

Tonight I am a bit reflective, being at a powerful conference just like when I started this process.  I have to say 336 days or so later I am not a size two as I had hoped.... I have not lived without (C) per say, but I have done better at not wallowing in it.  Not playing with it, clinging to it, cherishing it.  Tonight as I sat their listening to the beautiful music and then having a powerful bible study I realized how uncomfortable I felt. At first I thought it was because there is still so much that needs to be gotten rid of.  It is almost as if there are literally layers of (C), and I have just begun.  On the other hand, I thought perhaps some of my discomfort comes from not walking around with as much (C) on.  I feel more raw, more exposed, almost naked.  What a journey this is and has been and will be! 

335- Shopping with my boy!

Today was a fun day!  I woke up late!  Made my boy pancakes and stripples and then headed out to do some shopping for him before he heads back to college.  I just had such a good time trying to find things he liked at a price I could handle etc.  I enjoy so much spending time with him and getting to know him better.  I am proud of who he is becoming, which made this such a joy.  We were highly successful and found just what he needed.

Today was a huge day for him.... new clothes and a car.  Yep we finally found a car for Andrew.  Today brought me such joy.  It was just down right fun.  I was reminded how much joy it must bring God to bless us, to do things that put smiles on our faces. 

One of the last things we did today was to stop into the Lens Craft store and look at frames for me.  Andrew was very affirming, telling me that every shade I put on looked great! Lol... there is only so much of that I could believe.  Then Chris met me there and he had opinions and sometimes they were opposite of mine.  I do respect his opinion very much and frankly I want him to think I look great! So what do I do with the times I disagree or the times I want something else.  I struggled some with the question of whether or not go with what he thought or what I thought looked best.  Let's just say I was thankful I had forgotten my prescription so we were able to leave without making a decision.

I don't know the answer to the question. I'm afraid there is still too much (C) for me to discern.  I guess I am hoping for and looking for the perfect pair we will both agree on... until then my grocery store readers will have to do.

334- Home Sweet Home!

Today I woke up in my own bed. What a huge blessing that is!  I was thinking how so many people don't have their own bed to wake up in....I can't imagine.  Being on the road so much, and not being home makes these mornings all the sweeter.

Most of my day was spent in town with a friend looking for used furniture to redecorate our new pastors office.  It was fun getting to spend time with Lucy and it was also good to use the decorator side of me.  I loved the hunt and the searching for something great, for a great price.  We then were able to have lunch together and catch up.  After a wonderful time with Lucy I was back home to just do NOTHING! 

I ended up watching some TV.  Chris was out late with Andrew.  They went and saw a movie.  I enjoyed my time alone.  I adore my husband and spending time with him is priceless, but this was a wonderful time, a wonderful time of just taking my time and doing whatever I wanted.  Knowing what I want to do is sometimes hard for me.  Knowing what I want to do eat, etc.  Much of  my life I have had friends who have strong opinions and that has been fine with me.  I can make decisions but that is different from knowing what I want.  So tonight was an exercise in just letting myself do whatever I wanted. I watched every episode of "Bun Heads" a new show Anna had on the DVR.  It was fun and I didn't have to wonder what anyone was thinking or if anyone would prefer to watch something else,.....etc....etc.

Oh how sweet it is to be home sweet home! 

333- Choosing

Today I struggled with the decision of what to do about Present Truth Drama.  I started teaching drama here at Mount Pisgah Academy last year.  The group was small and we didn't even have tryouts.  I decided right up front that if someone had a desire, we could find something for them to do.  I wanted this group to minister to the students as much as they would minister to others.  So anyone who signed up could join.  At our first meeting we were 3.  They spread the news and after a couple days we were 18.  I was really hoping to keep it to no more than 14.  It went up and down for a few weeks and by the time we were ready to tour we were... 12.  Perfect!  A dozen. The group did an amazing job!  They memorized and practiced and performed often.

So this year at Mount Pisgah Academy registration we had 41 students sign up.  41!  What on earth do I do with 41! Of course I need to pick a number and whittle it down to what ever number I pick right?  Today I decided to have auditions for the students I don't know at all. Today I auditioned 7.  Six were amazing! 1 was good!  What to do.  That was just 7 of the 42, most of which I know would be terrific!

A week or so ago we had a board meeting at our church.  One of the agenda items was, that it was being purposed we change the locks of the church because they didn't know who had keys. (Back up several years), Before we even moved into our church we had a man come and talk with us about his church out west.  When they built their church, first sabbath in the new building they gave every member of the church a key!  EVERYONE!!!  He said they strongly believed that this church was built by everyone so everyone should have access.  They continued with that mentality and when someone joined the "family" they were given the key.  It was also stressed and demonstrated though example that as a member, as a part of the family we all have ownership, therefore we should all care for it too!  It was remarkable what a difference there was in their church.  People took better care of things, people helped to clean and do repairs.  It was amazing.  So when the idea came up in board that we should change the locks because we didn't know who had keys, I suggested that every member should have them, and talked about the concept briefly.  Let's just say it didn't go over well with some!

Perhaps, I don't like saying no... perhaps.  Perhaps I'm a softy....NOPE... I don't think so.  I frankly don't think this has anything to do with that.  I DO like finding creative and inclusive ways of running things.  I do think too often we control to hedge against the possibility of something negative happening, instead of expecting the best out of people!  I do think there are better ways of doing things sometimes and they are not always the obvious.  They are not always the most controlled way, the most clean cut way, it may even be complicated and messy.  Maybe?

Today as I contemplated what we could do with 41 students, how could we, should we, would we, I also struggled with (C).  I said things to myself that were not kind.  I thought things that were ugly.  I also questioned every thought, every idea, trying to decide if it was (C) that I needed to deal with so that I could make a logical decision or was it that I just don't fit in the normal, and that is OK.  It was a rough day of identifying and letting go of (C).  I finally came to this conclusion.   Yes, I have crazy ideas!  Off the wall, outlandish ideas, but that is OK.... nope that is great!  I am willing to let go of them, as long as I can be convinced that it is not at all possible, yet if it is, if there is a way..... perhaps outlandish, crazy, unimaginable is the way to go. After all Esther (in the bible) was crazy! Look what she did! Remarkable!

I don't know what is going to happen in drama this year, I don't know if I am going to have 41 or 14 but I do know this.... I am going to stop cutting myself down, it is wasted energy, I'm done!  Today I didn't live MtC but I did work through it,  and let some more go!  Yea!  That makes a good day!

332- First Day of School....

I can remember my very first day of school.  I was so excited to be going.  We were supposed to be traveling around Europe on bikes as a family, but our visa's to Ethiopia had been delayed so our parents decided finally to go ahead and put us into school.  We were in Berrien Springs Michigan.  That first day, I was nothing but excited.  I loved the smell of school supplies, new books, and new clothes.  I will never forget as I walked in the class room I was greeted with the most genuine kind voice I had ever heard, and then I saw her.  My teacher (can't remember her name), she was stunning.  She had long black shiny hair and her eyes lit up when she smiled.  She was so beautiful and she was so excited to see me!  It was such a wonderful day!  I loved every single day.... that is until I found out the visa was in and we were on our way across the ocean. 

Today was the first day of school at Mount Pisgah Academy.  Today I watched students that I have worked so hard to get here, walking the halls, making new friends, and some are just scared to death.  It is all so very exciting though.  I will say this, I was reminded today of my first grade teachers smile, of her kind words and her delight as she welcomed me, and I hope I am that way with every student who walks through the door.  I know I was in first grade, but frankly teenagers are no less in need of a welcoming smile and genuine excitement at their very presence.  Let's be real, I'm not too old to have someone sparkle when they see me. It can completely change my day, even my week! 

I know that day over 36 years ago, I walked into that class room with plenty of (C).  I was insecure, I didn't know anyone, I had never really had a friend. My mom had made my dress which I loved, but I remember wondering what others would think.  I walked in that day insecure about everything and in a moment, that smile, her warmth, her greeting put me at ease!

I guess today living MtC included spending my day trying to help others let go of some of the (C) they are carrying. It dawned on me that perhaps living MtC includes helping others let go of theirs! If I want to live without it I can be a welcoming, loving, accepting place where others can start to let go of theirs!  Every student here is an incredible gift from God.  He created them, He loves them, He desires for them to know Him.   I hope and I pray that this year, we staff have the willingness to be (C) washers instead of (C) tossers!  We have a choice, are we going to share our (C) or are we going to wash ours off and then be willing to help them set theirs down too?

331- Numbers vs Names

Registration day when all people are thinking about are how many?  How many?  How many? Today was no different.  I was thinking it, others were thinking it, many were asking it.... how many students do we have so far, how many are yet to come, how many? For me this question is scary.  In many ways it is the measuring stick as to how well I have done my job!  If we are full, I have succeeded if we are not I have not.  Realistically it isn't that simple and yet today it certainly seems that way!

Today I had several beautiful experiences were I was reminded that it is NOT about the numbers but names.  It is not about how many come, but who comes.  It must be about God opening doors, and impressing the right people to come! 

Today the first family I saw, before the doors even opened was the family of a wonderful young man that we have been hoping and praying would come.  He is full of charisma.  I was so thrilled to see he and his family there before the doors were even open!  Then about half way through the registration process they realized our policy states that hair has to be short for guys.  His hair is very long and has been his whole life.  At first they said it was fine, no big deal.  Then after talking they turned back in their registration folders and left.  I was devastated.  After a couple hours of praying and working at registration he returned and finished the registration process!  I was in tears!

Several other wonderful surprises happened today.  All keeping my focus on the students, on the names and not the numbers.  It reminded me of the monologue that Kim performed last night.  In her monologue she spoke of how the disciples saw her as "the woman at the well" but never is her name mentioned.  I would love every time someone asks how many students are here to instead of giving them a number to say, "well Suzy is here, Kyle and David, Tyler and Samantha.  Oh yea DJ made it and we were able to work out a financial arrangement that made it possible for Amanda."  I would love to do that name by name until everyone's name was mentioned. Can you imagine how different board would be if they knew everyone's story!  Can you imagine how different our thoughts and prayers would even be if it didn't always come back to the numbers.

I am determined to get to know the students all by name this year!  I am determined to get to know their stories, their talents, their prayer requests.  Please if you are reading this blog keep the students at Mount Pisgah Academy in your prayers. Please pray for CJ, Abby, Landon, Tegan, DJ, Ricci, Kaly, Samantha, Danielle, Gabriel, Tracy, Daniel, Tyler, Austin, Luke,Darian, Ryan, Allie, and all the others.

As far as living MtC, today it was made possible by looking at all the faces of these wonderful students.  Remembering that my Savior knows my name and I hope to share his love my knowing the names of His children!     

330- Brilliant! He knows my name.

This has been a very long day.  It is just past midnight and I have an early morning, so I will try to keep this quick.  My day started at home with a frantic rush to get out the door for church, by 8:41, packed for pisgah and food ready for pot luck.  I made it just in time to be incredibly blessed watching my daughter lead worship with her father playing bass.  It was truly incredible.  She has a voice that is like a clear bell.  I was thankful to be recording it so that I didn't have to sing,  I could just listen.   (I'm sorry I can't figure out how to post the picture to this blog... Perhaps another time)

After a wonderful time with my church family, being elder for second service and a quick pot luck I was on the way to Pisgah.  I took a short stop at a dear friends house.  She has been going through a huge challenge in her life... perhaps a devastating blow would be more accurate.  We just chatted, and I listened.  I ache for her and wish I could snap my fingers and make it all better, but all I could do was listen.   I was blessed by our time, seeing how the Lord is carrying her through.  She then joined me and we went to a local church for an evening of music and drama.  I knew it was going to be good when the very first song sung could not have been more perfect for my dear friend.  The song is this....


It was no accident! No coincidence, it was a God thing! 

Then the program continued and there was a lady there to talk about a home for battered women.  We were taking up an offering and it was going to this ministry.  Hearing her talk reminded me and challenged me to make sure I don't ignore the pull I felt this summer to give some time to help those in need.   It was beautiful hearing all they are doing for those in need.

Then the drama started.  It was about women in the bible and their relationship to Jesus.  When my friend Kim (who had invited me) stood up and started with her monologue I was blown away, brought to tears and laughter.  It was perfect, brilliant, so fun!!!!  Her monologue was sassy, smart, daring, and poignant.  He beautifully depicted how much our Savior cares about us, cares to know us..... He knows my name!  She then sang and the song she sang was as beautiful as her monologue.  Wow!  Wow! Wow!  I was blessed so much by this evening.

After the event I then spent some more time with my friend and now I'm back at the grandparents hoping to get to sleep soon.  It was a very full day!  Full of blessings, seeing the Lord work, being reminded of how much he is present!  How thankful I am to serve and love a God who intimately cares for me! I am thankful to have friends in my life who not only know Him, but who are also an example of what can happen when we let him in! 

329- Finding Balance

Today I was able to go home! Able to eat lunch with my daughter and my man, and then have supper with my son as well.  That alone should make it a perfect day.  Right?  Well it was for the most part.  I frankly had a difficult time letting go of some stress, some worries about work.  There is nothing that could be done today, so I needed to let it go but I struggled to do that. 

I know the most important thing or the most effective thing I could do is to let it go and trust God.  I know it and I kept reminding myself of that yesterday, yet it didn't seem to keep me from thinking about it. It kept making me mad... all I wanted to do was focus on my family, focus on spending time with them.  I wanted my entire mind to be focused on their issues, their stories, connecting, but my mind kept going back to work. 

I finally realized the situation I am needing to deal with is one that brings up (C) for me.  I have a hard time with where the line is between being a team player and speaking up for what I want or need.  I like to please others, I like to be the "go with the flow, flexibility is the name of the game", but some times I need to stand up for what I think is best, or what I need and I don't know how to do that.  I don't know when I can do that.  The concept of finding that balance has plagued me all day.  I have prayed and prayed, formulated sentences trying to get my feelings and thoughts across, and nothing has seemed right.  It is driving me crazy.  Here is the (C) part of it for me.  As a young girl I was for years in a situation where I had two other friends....three girls is never a good formula for peace.  Both the other girls were very strong leaders, as well as myself.  We were all hard headed directors trying to lead.  I was the new girl. The other two had a balance before I came and with me in the mix conflict arose.  I seemed to be the odd man out, OK the truth is they were down right mean to me.  I would come home crying to my mom and she very wisely tried to help me figure out what I could do.  She taught me a lot about submitting, learning to be a team player, figuring out how to do my best to please them, thinking of them, putting their feelings first.... all good things.  What was sorely lacking was me being heard at all.  My feelings, or my ideas, or my needs. I realize all that I was taught were great skills to learn and frankly needed for a self absorbed, strong headed little girl.  I tried, I even succeeded to find a way to please them enough most days to be accepted. Yet I learned very quickly that the only way to please them was to be the submissive one.

I want to be a team player, I want to do what is right for the betterment of the whole group.  I can and I will! Yet there is part of me that wants to be heard, wants to speak up for my needs, and I'm not sure how to do that and not come across as whiny or needy, or directive, or manipulative.  I have been praying all day for wisdom.  Asking God to guide me to give me words, to help me put Him first, have a spirit of humility.  I am willing to be all those things I learned to be as a girl, if I am supposed to be that way, but if I am supposed to speak up I want to be able to have the strength to do that in a Christ like way too!  

The hardest part of this day was trying not to let this get in the way of my precious time with my family!  Finally with Chris's arms around me, my head on his chest, I just had to let it go and stop thinking about anything else other than his heart beat, and the gift, the incredible gift of family!  Happy Sabbath all!

328- Negativity

Negativity is (C)!  Today was a long day at early registration here at Mount Pisgah Academy.  I met lots of new people, new students and their families.  It was so exciting and uplifting. I love seeing the excitement of the students returning and watching the returning students already connecting with the new students!  It was beautiful.

Very late after spending time with friends and falling into bed, after talking to my brother (such a joy), Chris calls.  He was asking me how my day was and all I could say was, "it was OK."  I felt down,  almost deeply negative about the day.  Yet there was so much that was so good, so why?  As I started to tell him about my day the one thing that dominated my description of the day was one conversation.  One conversation with someone I work with (NOT anyone who reads this blog, so don't start wondering if it was you :)), that was terribly negative.  Negative about everything.  Nothing this person talked about was uplifting or positive.  It wasn't until late, late, after getting off the phone with Chris that it dawned on me, that my day was stinky, absolutely vile because of someone else and their negative (C)!  It was over powering all the other amazing blessings of my day.

So how do I wash it off?  How do I stop letting it permeate my entire day?  Here is what I am going to try....

1. Started my day by getting several little things done for registration early... everything went smooth.
2. Had my hair cut by someone new and I love her.  Not just how she cut my hair but our conversation, she is a delight.  It was such fun connecting with her and hearing her story.
3. Bought a new purse.
4. Found a delicious healthy lunch that was quick.
5. Love love loved watching the returning students, the new leaders for this year working hard to make registration a wonderful experience.  Wow they are impressive.  So proud of our students.
6. Met so many new families, heard so many wonderful stories about what led them to Pisgah.  So beautiful how our Savior works.
7. Several returning students who barely spoke to me before, were almost chatty.  I love that!
8. Had a conversation with a new student.... her one fear.... she wouldn't get the opportunity to play piano.  She loves playing worship music....connected her with several students and staff.  What a blessing to have students come that want to get involved.
9. Had amazing conversations, adult conversations with my friends, Beth, Tammy, Kim, Vonda, Becca, Matt, and Ryan.
10. Had a wonderful conversation with Kim S. about helping me with drama.  Such a blessing to know I will have help!!!
11. Had a short but beautiful worship with God. I saw him working and so involved in my day!  I am so appreciative to serve a Savior who delights in me!
12. Had a connecting long conversation with my husband!!!!!!!!! What a man of God he is! I love him so much! Tonight I am especially thankful he took the time when we were both tired to ask questions to draw me out, to connect!  I am so honored to love him!
13. Hugged my daughter.

 Lord, thank you for this day!  Thank you for the evidence of You woven in beautiful gold sparkly threads throughout the entire day.  I pray that You will guide me and keep my eyes turned toward You and all the many blessings that our poured out each and every day.  May I see You!  May I experience You! May I know You! 

327- Struggle between acceptance and improvement!

Today after leaving work I headed out into town to get some errands done.  Some of the errands were boring things like picking up some paper for work, and other errands had the potential to be fun like trying to find new clothes.  I have desperately needed new pants for some time.  I love wearing pants but buying pants is another story.  Perhaps the easiest way to explain what the experience was like would be to say this... swimsuit shopping for most woman  = me trying to find pants. 

Over and over as I tried on pants I found much to loath about this body.  I hate the stomach, I hate the lack of butt, I hate the fact that short is too short and medium or average is to long, I hate that if it fits my waist or stomach (if I'm honest) then there are huge bags hanging off the side of my leg where a hip is supposed to be..... and on and on and on. 

At one point with my stomach in knots, I'm about in tears, I stopped looked at myself in the mirror and tried to figure out what (C) I needed to let go of.  The problem is every single time I looked at the (C) I could not let go of the fact that this would not be an issue if I could stop eating, or start exercising etc.  Where does acceptance stop improvement, or does it? There has to be a way to not hate haTE HATE myself, and still improve.  Where is that, or how is that, or what is that like?

I finally found a pair of capri pants with sparkle buttons at the bottom of the leg... done :)  I left shopping and came home early to help my grandfather who had asked me to clip his toe nails, only to find an empty house.  I waited up for them to arrive home and then clipped toe nails and fingernails, not a fun job!

As I fell into bed, I have to say there was no resolution to this struggle.  Struggling with (C) not knowing how to wash this stinky stuff off! 

Today I did not live MtC!  Not even close!  Contrary to the sounds of it I'm OK, I just want to figure it out! Tired of this battle!

314-326 Here goes a crazy whirlwind catch up...

Today I had two people ask where I was... where I was meaning, not me physically but my blog.  Frankly I have been struggling with sharing somethings that I'm not sure I'm ready to share.  After much praying, contemplating I have decided to blog exactly what I have been jotting down over the last week... plus.  Life has been crazy and so here is my living MtC for the last 12 days.

314- Today as I left the house this morning I declined breakfast, lying and saying to the grandparents that there would be breakfast at our meetings.  The truth ...., I was running late and I didn't have time to eat with them.  They take so long, talk so much.  I needed to hurry.  Grandfather put his arm around me and said, "Well they are doing a good job keeping you chubby." What a way to start my day....  I struggled... fought.... battled with a computer program, peoples expectations and issues of self loathing.  Today we sat in meetings, well I was supposed to sit in meetings but kept needing to be out working with families, trying desperately to get things ready for the printers, correcting, recorrecting, and then still finding more issues.  I saw peoples looks (which could have been gas, or just their thinking faces) and I heard, "why aren't you in meeting, there she goes again," etc.  I kept trying to explain what was going on, kept trying to accept that I was doing the best I could do under the circumstances. 

315-  Work work work, then headed out the door to spend the evening at the Grandparents.  I decided I must go talk with them, honor them, love them.  So I did went and sat at the foot of their bed and talked.  Grandmother always likes to read something, and she read a very funny poem about getting old.  We all laughed.  They talked about death, and how thankful they are to still have each other.  I then headed down stairs to the lovely basement.  I read, and listened to music.  I knew I needed to blog but I was exhausted so just wrote.... A day where I struggled with wanting to hide from my grandparents, but I spent time with them instead..... Good day...

316- Sabbath morning, grandparents not going to church. I didn't want to have to explain going to Foster, and not sure I had enough energy to go to any church so choose to stay home, sleep in... till 8... eat a very slow breakfast with the grandparents.  After breakfast grandfather was wanting to watch LLBN (Loma Linda Broadcasting Network.)  They were planning to watch church etc, but he couldn't get the volume up.  So I helped them get the channel up and going.  Sat and talked with them a while and then headed down stairs to pack.  Chris was on his way to pick me up and we were headed to Nashville, TN for some meetings.  Chris had made hotel reservations for half way and we were planning a nice evening together.  As I packed I realized that Chris would be coming and we would be leaving right about time for the grandparents lunch.  I was not excited about another meal with them.  However, I could not justify going out to eat on Sabbath and leaving them home to fend for themselves.  So I headed back up stairs and started cooking.  I cooked up a pasta lunch with salad and vegetables and surprised them and Chris.  Chris walked in just in time to sit down with us.  It was actually a pleasant lunch and I was thankful for the time with them.  then off too Knoxville and a hotel.  Chris and I arrived around 4 o'clock, we unpacked......um.....lets just say enjoyed the room.... headed out for a nice dinner.  Back at the hotel, I needed to get some laundry done.  The hotel has laundry, so I took the clothes down and went into the laundry to see if they had a change machine.  No such luck.  There was older woman there by the dryer.  She started talking about how she wished there was a chair in the room.  It was obvious that she wouldn't leave her clothes and had been standing there the whole time.  She said she had suggested to the front desk guy that it would be nice to have a chair and he told her to go get one from the dining room.  She told me they were too heavy for her to carry down the hall and into the laundry.  I told her I was so sorry and I would go get some change and try to get her a chair.  She told me not to worry about it, as I left.  They man at the front desk was rude to me and told me they did not have change and that I would have to go out to find some.  So back up stairs to get my keys etc.  As I returned down stairs with Chris, I asked him to first help the lady get a chair. About that time she came around the corner and asked if I had gotten change.  I told her no, and she said, "I'm headed upstairs to get you change.  I have plenty and I hope to not need it after today, I hope I'm headed home." Off she went, minutes later she was down with change and detergent so I didn't have to buy from the machine.  I asked if she had gotten a chair and she said she had.  We went into the laundry room together.  Her clothes were ready to be folded so we chatted.  I found out she had been traveling home to Alabama from a visit to a friends place in DC and her husband had gotten very ill and was put in the hospital.  She had been there for almost 10 days by herself while her husband was recovering in the hospital.  They were hoping to get back on the road in the morning.  We talked and talked.  It was such a wonderful conversation about family, love, and marriage.  Let's just say I went back up to the room and hugged my man! What blessing he is. It was amazing how healing and wonderful the time was.  I am thankful for my marriage.  Thankful for the moments we have!

317- Breakfast in the hotel, pack up and in the car on the way to the Nashville.  Able to stay in a beautiful place, see my parents, eat Ethiopian food, then out with the Andersons for dessert, an amazing day.  So thankful for my family, my friends, and my man!  Long but wonderful day!

318- Up early for meetings, to the meeting, then to breakfast, back to a meeting where I felt shame for having bright red nail polish on while everyone exclaiming how we need to be more Adventist..... wished I had a french manicure instead.... OK not really.  I love the red, Chris picked it out, "let it go Beth!!!"  that is what Chris said!   Found out there were more problems with the work I had sent to the printers before leaving......working frantically, wishing I was better, wishing I knew how to use the program.....crying....what do I do..... Youtube.....learning.... learning....learning.... GOT IT!!!!!! Now I know what to do, now I have to fix it and get it done..... hours, hours and hours.  Falling into bed exhausted, filled with shame for not being at more meetings, thankful I at least figured it out. 

319- Not up early.... just too tired.  Breakfast, getting ready, stopped to say hi to my parents, and then out to lunch with a dear dear friend from long ago.  Trying to let the (C) of body image, of wishing I had more style, etc. etc. etc. keep from coloring the experience of just being together. Chris and I drove to meet them, had a wonderful lunch, great conversation and I wasn't consumed with me- or my hair- or anything like that, just enjoyed the couple and the uplifting conversation.  After lunch work, work, more work, then back to get ready to go see a short film.  It was a private screening and a wonderful moment.  It was just shared three stories and it touched me so much.  I will just say this, it reminded me of the importance of our stories. The importance of sharing the human experience, of sharing what Christ has done in our lives!  Seriously it was powerful and I felt honored to be a part.  Back very very late and falling into bed, again exhausted.

320- Cramming in as many meetings as possible. Found out the printer and accepted all my changes and the documents were going to print!  Oh what a wonderful day!  Chris and I traveled back to Pisgah, we said good by, and I went to work.  I worked until 3:30am, then to the grandparents where I was frozen with fear.  Afraid of meeting a bear as I had to walk in the dark from the car to the door, unlock it and get in.  I was too tired to have strength to fight the fear.  I contemplated sleeping in the car, decided to pray, choose to accept my fate with imagined bear, and just attempt to get inside.  Got inside fine, got into bed and could not shut off my brain!  I was going over work, meetings, work, documents, work work work and finally looked at the clock at 5 am, and fell asleep soon after.

321- Up at 8am, clean up to the school by 9am meetings.  Spent most of the day dealing with parents and fighting to get one more document to the publishers.  This time I knew exactly how it needed to be and tried to make sure I had everything right the first time.  Had lunch with all the staff, sat with the Andersons, always a joy.... then back to work.  Finished the document, posted it, finished up some more work, found out enrollment is not as dire as people had once thought..... got in the car to head home.  Drove in pouring down rain the entire way home, so tired, hate the rain.  Noticed I had an email, stopped, read the email.  It was from the publisher..... here we go.... what needs work now...... "Your document is waiting approval to print"  that meant they found nothing.... NOTHING wrong.  The first document I had been fighting with for 3 days after sending to the printer.... this document.... in a matter of hours they were ready to print.  I pulled up the proof, and approved for printing!  Back on the highway, in the rain, tired, tired, so ready to be home.  Home finally with Anna, Andrew, Chris and Becca! How wonderful to be home!

322-  Friday hoping to get some more work done.... having problems with a program.... ergggg......  Went shopping for good healthy food.  Made food,  Spent time with kids, went to bed early.  Nice day, just needed the rest.

323- Sabbath morning.  Up early and off to church to listen to Andrew and Becca lead worship.  Oh what a wonderful wonderful blessing that was.  There perhaps nothing more rewarding than watching my children praise God!  Wow!  I listened, sang, and just basked in the blessings.  Then we headed home for a nice homemade Sabbath dinner with just our family!  Such a rare thing.  Really missed Sarah!  Wished we could have been with her too!  Wonderful afternoon nap that was so amazing my pillow was wet with drool. Nice dinner at our favorite local pizza place, and a movie at home.  Another wonderful film, telling of the importance our stories are!  Made me wonder what my story is?  Hmmmm.... To bed early for a Sat. night.  Such a luxury. 

324- Sunday, Chris headed off to work early, I fell back to sleep and then awoke frantic and feeling rushed.  Chris had asked me to go to a movie at 11:30 with him.  It is a movie we had been looking forward to seeing.  It was a date, and I didn't want to be late.  Got up, made breakfast for the kids, then to my room to get ready.  Decided to go with the curls and the hair would not cooperate.  It just became more and more unruly.  Finally just had to go.  We went to the movie and enjoyed our time together.  What fun to go out on a Sunday morning with my man.  After the movie we met up with the kids at a mall to do some shopping.  Again such a joy and such a wonderful time.  After dinner the kids headed home and we went to church board.  I have not been to a church board in years.  I resigned from all my church jobs when accepting the position at Pisgah and this is my first time working for the church again. At one point I expressed an opinion about a certain topic and it touched a cord with several and tensions arose.  I felt so bad.  I had no idea what would happen.  I then started second guessing what I had said, but I stand by what I said.  It may be radical but I think it could be revolutionizing.  It could be a huge plus in the end.  I hate conflict and though it was not directed at me, I felt so bad for having anything to do with it!  As we left I was thankful Chris had also been there so we could talk and share.  I am thankful Chris and I decided to either both be on board or neither be on board for this very reason.  As long as we were together it seemed doable, but we needed to be together serving.  Not because I think couples should always do that, we just see each other so little that atleast this way we are aware of what is happening.  We had wonderful conversation on the way home, and I praise God for a godly man who understands me!

325- They day before heading back to Pisgah is always my least favorite!  I was thankful to still be home but dreading the day, because it is my last.  I fight with this every time.  I hate that I do this because I think it takes away from the time I do have, but it is just hard.  God up early and drove with Chris in the fog to work on his motor cycle so I could bring home a car we had left there the day before.  I love riding with him in the early morning.  We first had fog and then the bright morning sun!  What a beautiful way to start the day.  I had made us breakfast before leaving, it was wonderful! Again, just moments with Chris, such a joy!  Then I did some shopping for my bed room, (still looking for dressers etc.) and then back home to help Anna with some things she was working on.  Then dinner with the family!!!!! Oh what a wonderful blessing to be with them.

326- Today!!!!! Finally!!!!  Today I woke up and needed to get up and out the door by 7:30 to be on time for work. Chris likes to be out the door around the same time... perfect right?  Nope, today he sleeps, snuggles, keeps putting his arm around me, spooning me, making it impossible for me to get up, much less packed and ready.  I finally made myself get up, Chris went and made me an amazing breakfast while I packed.  Once packed and ready, we ate together.  What a great way to start the day!  On the road late, but going.  To work dreading working by myself in a room that is just covered up with boxes that need to be sorted, with so much stuff you could not walk in it.  Literally minutes later a dear student walks in and asks if anyone has any work she can do.  I didn't say anything right away to see if anyone else grabbed her up.  Nope so I told her not to ask unless she was serious.  She agreed to help and but 5pm the room was organized, vacumed, dusted and completely done!!!!!!!  Unbelievable!  I am so excited.  Then I had the opportunity to go to a friends condo where they are vacationing here in the area.  They live in Maine so this was really a treat.  What a joy to talk with Megan, Christie, Winnie, Frank, Frank and Frank! It was such lovely way to end my day! 


So what do all these days have to do with living MtC.  After all this is not just a diary of my crazy life....  Well I know this....

spending time with my family....
spending time with Godly friends....
spending time with God....
eating good homemade healthy food....
laughing....
praising God....
learning....
cleaning....
organizing....
hearing the stories of others....

All of this contributed to the reduction of (C).  It helped to keep me going when I was challenged and discouraged. 

So there you have it... Now you know where I have been and where I am!  Night!

313- Curls as promised

I know this is terribly late... I worked a couple very late nights falling asleep working at around 2 am.  Then... exhausted and now with my man!

Curls....  back on Wed. I had decided to get up and try to get put together so I could feel together, feel professional.  It wasn't until later in the day when I realized I don't feel that way unless I have straightened my hair.  Why is that?  I spent some time pondering it.  Why do I feel better about myself with straightened hair vs curly hair?  After much reflection it came down to desiring to be like, desiring to be similar to others. 

This summer one of the students on my team has curly hair and yet much of the summer she would also straighten her hair... or at least on the days she was trying to look good.  A couple times she let it be curly and I thought it was so cute, so beautiful.  When I said something to her she brushed it off and made some comment about not wanting to put the time into really doing her hair. As if because it is easy - it is less!

I really believe we often find what is not easy as more valuable, or in the case of hair more beautiful! We tend to admire in each other what we don't have.  We do the same in our careers, our homes, our talents, our hobbies and our looks.  I talk with the students, I work with, all the time about embracing their strengths, seeing the beauty in who they were created to be, to find their strengths and develop them.

Wed. as I realized that for me to feel "together" or "beautiful" I had to straighten my hair it made me pause and ask the question, "Is that (C) and/or am I not valuing the gifts God has given me?"  I came to the conclusion both are perhaps true and I also have never put time into figuring out how to wear my hair curly.  I do like to feel put together and when it is curly it is usually wild.  So I plan on putting some time into trying new ways to embrace my locks.

This is not just about my curls, it is about embracing who I am, who God created me to be and being the best without devaluing the uniqueness of me! It is easy when watching the Olympics, or being around people with magnificent gifts to wish I was more. To wish I could run like a gazelle, dance like someone with rhythm in their bones, to be organized like a professional organizer, or to sing like Becca Anderson! If I spend too much time wishing I was like... I'm not seeing what I am, or what I should be working on.

So living MtC includes embracing the Me and understanding accepting who he made me to be is honoring of Him!  He must be so sad when He sees us yearning to be more like others when He gave us so much that we ignore or don't value. I am still going to straighten my hair, I just plan on finding ways to also love my curls!

312- Cont.... Curls...

Oops... forgot to write about the curls.... I'll do that tonight!  You'll just have to wait!!!!

312- Girlfriends and Curls

Girlfriends, I've had an interesting relationship with the whole idea of girlfriends.  As a very young girl I longed to have girlfriends, and it just never really happened until 7th grade.  Soon after I moved away and started high school in a whole new place.  Perhaps as protective measures, I have never let myself need a girlfriend.  I have spent most of my life completely content to be an extrovert know lots of people and not need girlfriends. Perfectly content is an exaggeration...it is what I said to mask the hurt and need I felt! In high school I had lots of friends, people from every click on campus. Yet I made sure no one really knew me.  I might really know them.  Girls would share their crushes, their heartbreak, but I never breathed a word.  I never had someone that I shared my heart issues with.  I kept it light, kept it at a distance.

I have also proclaimed it with an element of pride that I prefer guy friends to girl friends.  I had lots of guy friends, but they were never boy friends, and I didn't share my heart issues with my guy friends either.  I really believe it was a cover, it explained my lack of girlfriends. 

After marrying Chris I knew that I must be careful with having guy friends.  I wanted to honor him, protect what we had.... after all he was now the best friend, the heart issue friend I had always wanted and kept at bay for so long.  He became my everything... and still is!!!! :)  (I miss him can you tell!!!!)  As I started making some girlfriends from place to place I still have not cherished, valued, or nurtured those relationships the way I should.

I have always just chalked it up to, my personality, the fact that I don't NEED girlfriends. I remember the first time I went to a woman's retreat.  I thought it was ridiculous to go to something so powerful and deep without Chris.  I just wanted to share it all with him!!!!! Then one by one I started making friends that have over the years become so special to me.  Yet I still have not valued them the way I should.

Today was a beautiful friend day! I made a new friend, with real conversation, with real heart issues... going both directions! I had a conversation with another dear friend about belonging, and girlfriends and I'm one of hers and she is one of mine!  As I crawled in bed last night, wanting to blog and needing to blog, but way to tired to blog, I felt so full and blessed. I think today more then ever I realize how important it is for me to let down the protective walls that have been in place for decades and cherish the girlfriends I have and be open to developing more.

Each friend brings a different gift!  Each friend does not have to fulfill my every need. Friends are like flowers, they can each be beautiful and special but completely different.  Put them all in a vase together or fill a flower garden with different varieties and it is so rich a beautiful! No one flower is everything.  I'm not saying there is anything wrong with having, as Oprah would say... "A Gail".  You know the one soul friend that knows you inside out and adores you.  I know for myself, that one just like me fulfills my every need has not happened, and I have let protecting self get in the way of a flower bouquet of friends. 

I know I have missed out on the importance of girlfriends.  As woman we NEED to have girlfriends, to talk with, to cry with, to laugh with, to dance with, to sing with, to pray with, to love!  I have always touted that Chris was enough.  I didn't need the other.... but I do!!!!  I need friends, I need to spend time with friends. With that comes the responsibility to be a friend.  Many times I have focused on not having a friend, when I have been unwilling to be a friend!  Recently I have been working on connecting.  Honoring those ladies that have been in my life. Cherishing them for the richness they bring to my life.  I am trying to be a better friend as well as letting down the wall and opening my heart to real heart issue girlfriends.

I know in this process of letting go of the Crap friends have and continue to be an incredible part.  There have been times when they tell me to let go, when they bring the joy into my life that is needed in the process of washing the (C) off, when they pray for me, when they affirm me, when they give me the opportunity to know them better!  I decided last night that it is necessary for us as woman to find girlfriends, to be girlfriends, to celebrate girlfriends.  It is a risky place to be, a vulnerable place to be, and frankly we woman tend to mess it up, to hurt each other, and we must stop!!! BECAUSE we need each other!

Sorry... that sounded like scolding.  I was writing for me!  I am so thankful for the richness of the woman in my life!  I am so blessed to love and be loved.  Today living MtC was made possible by two lovely ladies who warmed my heart, who I developed a deeper connection with, and who made me want to be better.  Today I can ad one more element to the list of how to wash the (C) in our lives away.  How to let go of it, how to live MtC..... Open my heart and be vulnerable to girlfriends!

311- 2:04.. Finally in bed.

Well I am back at the office.  Back in Asheville.  I have been working very hard trying to get  lots of stuff off and to the printers that is long over due.  It is such tedious work and I am far from done.  This will be a very short post, but I can't bear to get behind again. 

There is something about being in this basement room that is rough.  Tonight as I came down stars the smell of musty humid unairconditioned space, reminded me of being here so many times as a little girl.  It is funny how spaces can smell the same over decades.  Tonight I have been fighting those feelings of being a little incompetent girl, who was always dirty, too loud and way to hard headed to get along with authority figures.  Some how I feel just like her. 

How is it possible that I can be approaching my mid 40's and I still feel like I'm 8 when I come to this house.  I remember sleeping in this same basement room when I was a freshman in high school.  My parents thought it would be better for me to be living with the grandparents than in the dorm.  This room didn't have carpet, or painted walls.  It was just a concrete block walls, and concrete floors.  There was a little rug by my bed, but the room was far from beautiful.  By the time I moved out it was almost finished.  However I spent most of that year in this unfinished basement room that was always in a constant state of construction.  As an adult, I wonder why they didn't let me stay in one of the three extra rooms upstairs that are finished and beautiful.  Why the basement?

I now prefer to be down here because upstairs is much hotter, and it is less likely they will know when I'm up blogging at 2 am, if I'm down here. I choose it and yet it makes me feel small.

Well this is a dreary going no place post.  I'm obviously too tired to be posting... Lol!  I suppose to sum it up, I'm not feeling at home in this space.  I suppose that is good.  I don't feel at home in a place that makes me feel small and dirty.  Progress... I think so.  I have no desire to be stuck, I don't think I am.  However, in this process I have allowed myself to feel.  Being more aware of what I am feeling has brought some good and painful feelings to the fore front. 

I guess I want to acknowledge the hurt and then move on.  So I just got up and sprayed the room with my Bath n Body Works body spray.  I decided I am going to reclaim this room, and start by changing the smell.  I can't do much else but I can smell "twilight woods" instead of musty basement stink.  In every way I want to move forward.  Let go and refocus my life in the direction of delightful smells!  It will be so much easier as I let go of the (C)!  That is for sure!