365!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 365!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!365!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Three hundred and sixty five days of blogging.  Three hundred and sixty five blogs about living minus the crap.  365. 

Riding on the back of the motorcycle today with the sun beating down on me, the wind cooling me, and the sky bright blue I spent a hour in quiet contemplation about the past 365.  Am I any different?  Was there any benefit in this exercise in daily writing? I thought about measurable changes--- my physical being isn't any different.  I thought about accomplishments---I took a dance class, I ran a half marathon, I wrote 365 blog posts.  That is something.  So is that it?  What now?  I seemed to be filled with far more questions than answers.

I spent much of the day debating with myself about this last post.  Should it be short and sweet, just like all the others or a long recap.  I thought I needed to purchase a nice white fluffy terry cloth robe and have it monogrammed with MtC, take a picture and post that.  Great idea!  One wash and my fluffy white robe would turn into a fluffy rust colored robe with our hard, iron laden water. I thought about having a party and inviting all of those who have been on this journey with me--- yet though this was a public blog, it has been a private experience.  So what do I do?

I have decided on a quiet simple ending (shocking perhaps to those who know me).  No fireworks or elaborate menus.  Chris and I have spent the entire day together, and tonight we will eat Ruben sandwiches, perhaps watch a movie and have a quiet Saturday night at home.

Today over lunch I asked Chris what he thought of this whole journey, did he see a difference in me, was he glad it was over?  His answer was that he saw a difference in my ability to discern, to catch myself, to identify the crap and let it go, which has freed me to step out and do more.

I agree, it isn't about not having crap in my life, it is simply about not carrying it around and cherishing it the way I used to.  When I started, I had high hopes that I would today be sitting here a completely different person inside and out---  I'm not---I'm still me, just a much more aware me.

So what now?  Where do I go from here?  Anywhere?  Do I just take down the blog and be done? Or continue?  These questions have consumed me for weeks---with no clear answer.

Last week I heard a sermon by Pastor Steven Furtick at Elevation Church here in Charlotte.  The title of his sermon was Digging some Ditches. He looked at the story in 2 Kings 3:9-20 where the army ran out of water in the desert and the King asks Elisha to ask the Lord for rain.  Then Elisha says to the King, (I'm paraphrasing)... The Lord said, to build ditches, it won't rain, but fill the valley with ditches and you will have water.  So they did just that.  Steven, talked about just doing.  Stepping out and when it is difficult and you see no sign of rain, no hope, dig a ditch.  One of the quotes he used, (I don't remember from where) was this.  You can't be creative unless you create something.

Then this week I go and hear Brene' Brown speak about her new book Daring Greatly.  Over and over she shared how being vulnerable enough to be laughed at is where great things happen.  A similar message.  Then today in church Pastor Ryan Ashlock, challenged us to keep going.  To let go of the weights, the stuff that is keeping us shackled and unable to run, set it down... (my version, set down the crap and run).  Move forward, run.

This afternoon I wanted to scream, "I get the message", but to do that would require me to move, to step out, to start digging ditches, to put down the crap and create something. I have been resisting---terrified frankly!

So where do I go from here?  What now?

I have decided that I will first take a month off.  I have vacation time coming up, sometime with friends, some time with my husband, and I plan to enjoy, to relish in the relationships, to curl into bed next to Chris without my lap top on my lap.  I will take a month to just enjoy.

Then I plan to start looking back at what I have written, organize it into topics, take those topics and write about the topic, really write about it.  I want it to be well written, grammatically correct, organized and something that is my best.  I realized this week as I pondered the what next, that I engineered this process to protect me.  To protect me from the humiliation and shame of putting out something I thought was good to find it not good.  I right up front told everyone that I was NOT going to try to make it good.  I used the excuse that I didn't want to get caught up in the English, the writing, but keep my focus on the process.  I know now, it was a little of that and a lot more about insulating myself from the level of vulnerability required to put "my best" out and have it fall short.  I remember thinking of some of you who are English teachers or editors and terrified that what I wrote would not be good.  So I took care of that by making it clear that was not the purpose of the blog.

I am not ready, but I am going to put down the crap, that says if I fail, I am not good.  I am going to wash it off and really try to write something of value, something that is well constructed, even if it fails.  I am going to put myself out there, not just in content but in the writing. 

I will not write as often.  Perhaps once a week, perhaps once a month, but I will keep writing.  It will take longer because I have to learn where comas go and more.  After my month off I do hope to work on it each day, but just post when the subject is completed.

For me this will be digging my ditches, letting go of the load so I can run, it will be daring greatly with a high likelihood of falling flat, but I'm going to do it anyway.  I am going to find a way to be vulnerable enough to once and for all do what I have long wanted, write.

In closing (as I sit here choking back the tears) this year has been an incredible process and I greatly appreciate your part.  Your words of encouragement, your comments, your acknowledgement that you read the blog, and most importantly your prayers, kept me going. I can not begin to thank you enough for taking this journey with me.  A blog would be just a journal if you had not joined in. 

I also want to say a very special and public thank you to my husband Chris. I thank you for loving me and supporting me in this journey. Thank you for asking me.... "what are you going to do about it?" Thank you for letting our life be an open book, thank you for understanding and supporting me all the times this computer came to bed with us.  Most importantly thank you for so eagerly reading each and every post.  Your desire to better understand and know me is so honoring.  Thank you for adoring me even when I was hanging on to piles of crap! You are quite the man!!!!! I love you so very much!

Well I think that is it.  Thanks again.  Now for the start of the new and daring me....I will start the process of really writing! So for tonight living MtC means daring to work on really writing. MtC means letting the crap go and being willing to fail!

Love to each and everyone of you!
Beth

P.S. If you feel so inclined to write, I would love to hear if any particular topic or blog post interested you. As I start the process of reevaluating this past year and sorting it all into topics your comments would be welcomed!

364- Quiet- The sound of peace.

Tonight as sundown arrived, Chris turned off the TV.  The contrast between, the noise and the silence, the light and the darkness was shocking.  There was an instant change in mood, an instant feeling of peace.

It has been a peaceful day for me.  I worked some, but spent quite a bit of time contemplating, praying and preparing for tomorrow.  Perhaps what I am wanting more than anything as an ending is just quiet.  I hope for the stories I construct in my mind to quiet, and for reality to reign.  I hope for the insecurities, the shame, the constant perfectionistic drive to be quieted.

I am not under the illusion that magically tomorrow after this year is completed that I will be 100% crap free.  I understand it isn't about living without it as much as it is identifying it, so that I can deal with it, wash it off instead of walking around for years carrying my own and other peoples crap.  I hope for there to be a peace, a quietness in my life. 

Today I made homemade bread.  In fact as I am writing the house is filled with the amazing aroma of homemade bread.  Earlier as it was rising I remembered how when I was a child and we made homemade bread and it was time to eat and the bread was still dough, we would make fried bread.  Tonight we didn't have any bread to go with our soup, but there was just enough extra dough to make fry bread.  I hesitated for a moment.  I started to go to the place of self ridicule and shame, in an effort to talk myself out of it, not for good reasons but for crap reasons.  Tonight, I can't even tell you what those were because the second, I started to go there I stopped and said, "NO, it is not a healthy choice, but if it is a choice that you would like to make then make it freely without crap and enjoy."  So  I did.  Chris and I went into the kitchen together and together we warmed leftover homemade soup and fried some fry bread to have with it.  It was delicious and I enjoyed it, thinking of delightful childhood moments when we delighted in fry bread. 

I am thrilled to have this time of rest, this time when I can reflect on this journey, when I can enjoy the occasional fry bread without my stomach turning from all the guilt and shame.  Tonight I am enjoying the quiet, the still and the peace! 

363-

Today was a huge struggle. My mind was bouncing from one thing to the next.  I was restless.  Finally, after getting some work done, I decided to just let it go and watch a movie, take a nap, just ignore the world for a while.  During that time Chris called.  He said he was just calling because he needed to hear my voice and that he loved me.  We chatted for just a couple moments.  It was wonderful but I was then feeling guilty for my escape for doing nothing.  I finished my movie and then started trying to figure out what we were going to have for dinner.  Chris had said he would have a worship leaders meeting but would be home around 7:30 ready to eat.  We were low on groceries so figuring out dinner was going to be a challenge.  I went and started looking through the pantry. I found the ingredients for something I have never made and something I didn't even have a recipe for.  Garbanzo Beans and Dumplings.   I spent some time researching recipes online, hoping to find one close to what I remember my mom making.  I finally found one and started cooking.  Looking at the clock I realized I needed to slow down, let the stew simmer before adding the dumplings if they would be perfect for Chris.  I held off until I thought Chris was about 15 minutes away.  When the stew was done I shut it off and waited... and waited.... and waited... finally around 8 I called Chris. He was still at the church.

He said he would be leaving soon.  It sounded to me like he was reminded he needed to leave when I called.  It sent my mind in a whirl wind of doubt and fear.  I was imagining that he would rather be at church than to be home with me.  He had forgotten me.  In a matter of minutes I was hurt.  Terribly hurt, and my mind was a whirl thinking the worst.  He called telling me he was on his way and wondering if I needed him to stop and get anything for dinner.  I just coldly and curtly said, "NO."  We hung up the phone and I waited.  I was washing up the last of the dishes from the day when he came in.  He walked right over to the sink wrapped his arms around me from the back, put his head right next to mine and told me how sorry he was.  Everything was all better right... Oh I wish.  No instead I remained cool. Where I had gone in my mind was so much worse than being late for dinner and a kind loving apology wasn't enough.  I mean how could he apologize when he didn't even know what was wrong. 

I served up the garbanzo stew and dumplings, we ate with polite but cool chit chat. Chris several times apologized, without really knowing how I was feeling.  We ended up watching a movie and then going to bed.  In bed I finally shared with him where my mind had gone when he didn't show up.  He again apologized, and then with a little twinkle in his eye, said, "I hope you remember my phone call this afternoon, and what I said."  The moment he reminded me of the call, it was as if a blanket of gloom, doubt, fear, was lifted.  I was filled with emotion and my eyes weld up with tears.  I realized, I had let crap get in the way of truth.  When he called earlier, I was so consumed with crap that told me I should not be relaxing, that I didn't really hear him.  I didn't appreciate that my husband had taken time out of his busy day to express his love and desire for me.  Then when he was late, I was so consumed with crap that I'm not enough, I'm not desirable because I'm not good enough.  Because of my own crap, I let him being late take over our entire evening.  

Now it was my turn to apologize and I did.  Chris is now sleeping soundly and before he fell asleep we talked about me blogging.  He agreed to have me share the story. This story is not about a husband who failed or who was inconsiderate.  This story is not about a husband who asked forgiveness.  This story is all about how crap can get in the way and turn small things into huge things.  How my crap can take a loving, committed man, who calls just to say how much he love his wife, who is committed to God, and has a passion to help others, and turn him into a distant, intentionally hurtful, uninterested in me husband. I am so thankful tonight that the reality of the situation was so much sweeter.  I am so thankful that as I finish this blog and join my husband and sleep, I know the crap that reeked havick today is gone and I have apologized to my husband, we have made up and have been vulnerable with each other.

362- Brene' Brown----Excellent

Tonight I had the opportunity to go and hear Brene' Brown speak at a local church.  It was a book signing for her new book Daring Greatly.   I looked forward to it all day.  What a great opportunity it was to hear her this week.  This week, of all weeks.  Here I am at the end of this journey, (just three days left), wondering what is next, evaluating the past 362 days, the changes in me, and in the midst of it all I have the opportunity to hear Brene' and have my books signed.  Wow!

When I first read, "The Gifts of Imperfection" it was on day...237.  Well into this journey.  I had been blundering along, just doing my best to figure out a way to let go of the Crap.  Reading it was such a boost.  I had been having a difficult time, and frankly was spending way to much time wondering whether this was a big waste of time, or of value for me.  Brene's writing about vulnerability and shame put words and terms to what I had been struggling with, striving for and washing off.  As you know, I don't like to read... yet I read her book, listened to her book and as of tonight I own "The gifts of imperfection" three ways, (audio book, ibook, and a real book signed by Brene') So to have the opportunity in the midst of my final week to hear her live, was huge huge huge!!!! She challenged me, she inspired me, and she motivated me.  I have a new book to read and much to think about. 

I have been really struggling with the idea that this journey is about to end.  I have tried to figure out why, what is hard about it, and frankly I don't have all the answers.  I find myself wanting to cry with an almost panicked feeling--- why--- here are some possiblities...

This process has become a part of who I am, a part of me.
I'm not sure where to go from here.
I'm afraid
Most logical next steps---I'm not sure I am confident enough, good enough, legit enough.

Tonight Brene read a quote from the front cover of her book, it reads:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles; or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly...who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly. - Theodore Roosevelt  

Frankly, I am tonight wondering if I what it takes to start something new, scary, that I may/would probably fail at?  Am I ready to dare greatly?

I guess I better start this book and pray, and continue on for the next three days and figure it out.  I want to be vulnerable enough to dare greatly.  

361- Singing in the Rain

Well, I tried to sing in the rain today, the only problem was it was a sunshiny day when I started to sing...

In looking back on this process one of many helpful things I have discovered is the importance of intentionality.  I have had to be intentional about letting go of crap. Identifying it, letting go of it, finding ways to deflect others etc.  All of which takes a good steady dose of intentionality.  

On Monday driving over to work in Asheville, I listened to the last of the book, The Gifts of Imperfection, and it inspired me be intentional about being free to be a mess, being free to be silly, being free to me and no one else.  It inspired me to continue on this path and to be intentional about joy, about the freedom to be a little crazy. 

Today I was driving home, thinking about work, things I need to accomplish, while I was thinking about where I am, and what God wants for me..... I was reminded of what Brene' Brown had written in the book, a story where she shares how she was out shopping with her daughter.  She wasn't feeling put together, she sees a group of moms all quite lovely and well put together with their equally amazing daughters.  Then she notices that her daughter (I don't remember the age.... maybe eight) has heard a song being played and starts dancing to the song.  She then notices the put together ladies and their daughters watching with disgust and instead of getting her to stop she joins in.  Wow what a mom.  I know years ago I would have never... NEVER done that!  I know now...I would want to but..... Oh I'm not there yet!  

She also talks about just taking time in the kitchen with the family to dance, to have joyful moments.  I know it is biblical, I know it is important.  So today as I was driving home stressed, thinking about all I should have, could have, would have to do.... I decided to sing.  I came down a hill and the beauty was overwhelming and I just burst into song.... at first it was amazing (not the singing but the joy!) then I started to have thoughts like, "well isn't this stupid, don't you look foolish.."  but I just kept singing... "he is risen, Christ is risen....So let your name be lifted higher... be lifted higher... be lifted higher.... so let your name be lifted higher, be......"

I thought about singing in the rain and what a wonderful thought that is.  For me--- in the midst of whatever--- to be willing to sing in the rain.  I guess today I wanted to be free enough to sing, free enough to sing in the rain. There was no rain, just a little fog in the mountains, but I sang and sang!

360- just five days to go.

It is crazy to think that I am just five days away.   Where has the time gone? I am back at work and tonight at my grand parents.  I got a call this evening from my sister whom I had not spoken with in a long time.  We did the normal chit chat and then she started telling me a story about how she often will freeze when asked obvious easy to answer questions because, her mind goes blank from the fear of getting it wrong and then shr will look like an idiot.  I listened and then shared how I am exactly the same way.

After sharing my struggle she kept saying what a releif it was to know I also struggled.   A couple days ago someone commented about this blog and said, thanks.   I NEver write this blog for the readers.... For you.  I'm writing to work through to put it down, it is a way of taking a shower.  I never thought that this blog could be anymore than an amusing look into my messed up world.  Tonight was a reminder that if we would all be more transparent, more open, stop putting on all the airs of having it all together all the time, what an encouragement and what a huge weight it would take off all of us.

Tonight I am just assuming that all of you, everyone out there is absolutely with out question as messed up as crap filled as me!  I am going to assume that we all struggle, and some how I think that will help me accept the difficult folks, the angry folks, and look past it all and just say.... We are all in this struggle together how can I help relieve some of their crap!

359- Doing what needs to be done.

There has been a theme to my day.  In a sermon, in a movie, in conversations, the same theme kept coming up again and again.   The theme or message was this, "Do what needs to be done, keep going even when it is difficult, if you want results faith must include works...in essence keep moving."  Perhaps one of my favorite quotes of the morning was from a sermon,  "You are not creative, unless you create something."

There is no question I have spent much of my life dreaming of ideas without much follow through.  Today I was challenged to keep going, to work hard at following through, to be willing to take steps forward instead of thinking about taking steps.

I realize much of my issues with follow through are a result of my personality.  According to the Meyers-Briggs Assessment I am an ENFP.  With that comes a lot of things I like very much, but the area of follow through is for sure a challenge.  Here is what they say about follow through....

An ENFP needs to focus on following through with their projects. This can be a problem area for some of these individuals. Unlike other Extraverted types, ENFPs need time alone to center themselves, and make sure they are moving in a direction which is in sync with their values. ENFPs who remain centered will usually be quite successful at their endeavors. Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a new possibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which they are capable of achieving.

I had never paid attention to the sentence that says I need time alone...  it is so true.  Even tonight, when I knew I needed to work on this blog, I finally told Chris I needed to go to the bed room so that I could focus.  It isn't that I can't blog with him around, I needed time to reflect about why I was going to do the hard work of getting it done and posting both yesterday and today's blog.  I needed time to reflect and remind myself why I am doing this and get the motivation to focus and get it done.

Today I read an article that made me want to respond, so I did.  I didn't think about it I did it.  This week I have lots of work that needs to get done for Pisgah, I have lots of work that needs to get done here at home, and I am going to do my best to keep my focus and get done what needs to be done.  HOWEVER!!!!!

I am going to do it with an understanding that this is the challenge for me, the work so to speak.  I am not going to shame myself or beat myself up because it is hard.  I am going to remember that who I am is also someone who has many qualities that can be used to do so much.

So tonight I am going to have a renewed conviction to keep taking one step at a time. Letting go of the (C) that says I'm a failure because this is my challenge.  Letting go of the (C) that makes this challenge what defines me instead of what challenges me.  Tonight I am trying to accept who God created me to be, while taking steps to let Him keep moving me forward.

358- Getting my Praise on...

Psalm 150

¹ Praise the Lord.

Praise God in his sanctuary;
    praise him in his mighty heavens.
² Praise him for his acts of power;
    praise him for his surpassing greatness.
³ Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,
    praise him with the harp and lyre,
⁴ praise him with timbrel and dancing,
    praise him with the strings and pipe,
⁵ praise him with the clash of cymbals,
    praise him with resounding cymbals.

⁶ Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord.

Today I had the incredible opportunity to praise God.  Today I had the wonderful opportunity to watch my kids, praising God.  There is absolutely no question that the best way--- the most effective way to keep (C) away is to praise.  There is absolutely no question that the best way for (C) that others are slinging to just fall to the ground--- praise the Lord.  Praise Him for his greatness, praise him with all that we are.

Today as Engage Ministries from SAU sang and praised I was so blessed.  What a good day it was.  I had the opportunity to cook for those I love, to listen as they led the entire church in worship and praise.  Oh what a blessing it was.  

“The LORD is my strength and my defense ; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.
Exodus 15:1-3

Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts.
1 Chronicles 16:8-10

I will sing the LORD’s praise, for he has been good to me.
Psalm 13:5-6

Praise be to the LORD, for he showed me the wonders of his love when I was in a city under siege.
Psalm 31:20-22

You are my strength, I sing praise to you; you, God, are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely.
Psalm 59:16-17    

357- Motorcycle ride, the color green, Strawberry Rhubarb Pie

What a day it has been.  This morning I woke with Chris and headed to Monroe on the back of his motorcycle to have breakfast with my man.  We had such a nice time, riding in the cool air, and then eating together.  IT is such a treat to be around him and be able to eat together.  I love talking to him, seeing the twinkle in his eyes.  It was a special morning.   After picking up my car from the shop, I headed "home" or that was what I had planned. I had the idea to stop by a fabric salvage shop where I used to buy lots of fabric for making clothes for my kids.  I would get amazing deals.  I thought I would stop in and see if I could find anything for our bed room.  After looking around quite awhile and finding nothing I decided to look in the scrap bin.  I found nothing for my room, and then I saw a little piece of fabric I loved, it was green and shiny.  I knew it wasn't good for my room.... then I thought.... kitchen.   I have been needing to repaint the kitchen so badly but have not been able to decide on a color.  Here it was the perfect shade of green.  I started digging hoping to find enough fabric to make at least a valence for the windows.... I fount three little pieces.  Barely enough.  I went to pay and it was only 4 dollars.  4 dollars for possible valences for my kitchen.  Pretty cool.  Better yet, I have a color.  I then went to find paint swatches and then a couple other stops.  Then on my way home, I'm driving past Chris's office and realize it is 12:10... lunch time... so I call and he agrees to eat lunch with me... two meals in one day.  What a treat.

Then home---taped paint samples to the wall.  I'm so excited about the kitchen, I can't begin to tell you.  I am ready to have a painting party on Sunday.... we'll see. 

Then this evening I made Strawberry Rhubarb pie before the kids arrived.  When they walked in the home smelled like pie.... so nice.  We had music playing and then great conversation.

So what does all this have to do with this blog.  Well isn't if funny how when I was a homemaker and all I did was work on the house take care of children, eat with my man, eat sleep and drink decorating, and recipes---- I longed to be more, to work or go to school, I just needed more!  Now I am working-- love my job--have two college degrees--- and the greatest joys in my life are the days like today when I get to cook, decorate and spend time with my man.

I have spent way too much time trying to find fulfillment in accomplishments, or doing things right.  I have spent too much time shaming myself, piling the (C) on for one reason or another instead of being content right where I am.  Yes life isn't perfect, I'm not perfect, but I can be thankful for today, thankful for where I am.  Today I am thankful to be home, with two of my amazing kids and Becca, missing Sarah but thankful I talked with her.  Tonight I am trying to only focus on the blessings of where I am stop there.  I have to remember my lesson from my 1/2 marathon, top looking back or forward and just do today what I can.  Just take steps one at a time and be content in that! 

356- Carrot Cake Strata with White Chocolate Sauce

Chris and I had a birthday party at our home tonight for two dear friends who both turned 60 this month.  In preparation for the evening I called and asked what their favorite dessert or flavor cake was.  Lucy said her favorite dessert was blackberry cobbler.  Gary said he liked any pie, carrot cake, or anything with white chocolate.  I had just seen a blackberry cobbler on line by the Pioneer Woman Ree.  It looked simple and delicious--- done.  I started looking for something pie or carrot cake or white chocolate.  I looked and looked and couldn't decide on anything, nothing looked good.  Nothing looked right. 

I finally decided on carrot cake, with a white chocolate cream cheese icing.  I found a recipe and started putting it together.  In about 30 minutes I had the cakes in the oven.  I was exhausted and decided to sit and find an amazing icing recipe while they baked.  I sat down to my computer and there was the cake recipe--- still on the screen.  My eyes fell on one ingredient.... salt....I had left out the salt!!!!  ERGGGGGG.  I ran to the kitchen tried to put some salt in the batter in the pans that were already in the oven. 

I sat back down defeated.  I could just imagine how those cakes were going to taste blaaaaaa.  They were going to be terrible.  I almost called Chris and asked him to buy a cake, but I couldn't have a homemade dessert for one guest of honor and a store bought dessert for the other.  What to do? 

Chris came home and I was going over my options with him.  I suggested trashing the carrot cakes and starting over.  I could make a pie, or a bread pudding--- Oh Oh wait-- I had seen Giada De Laurentiis just that morning on TV make a berry strata with ricotta that looked amazing.  I was describing it to Chris and he reminded me we had left over Ricotta from our brunch that needed to be used.  It had orange zest in it so he thought it would be good in the strata.  Then I realized I didn't have good day old bread for the strata.  Then the idea.  Use the cake and make the strata, add some chopped pecans, and white chocolate chips.  Then instead of white chocolate cream cheese icing I would make a white chocolate cream cheese sauce.  So I started cutting up the cake, made the custard mixture, added the ricotta,  salt, nuts and white chocolate chips and let it bake.  It smelled wonderful.  

Lets just say it turned out delicious.  You would not know it was a disaster, a failed attempt at cake, a mess up. I think I can even say it was better-- perhaps more fun--- or interesting.   I don't know if I will ever make it again, but it was lovely and worked well for tonight.  We even managed to put 60 candles on it!  It was great!

The evening was a success-- plenty of food-- good friends--a fun time and Carrot Cake Strata with White Chocolate Sauce and Blackberry Cobbler for dessert with vanilla ice cream.  

Tonight a failure, something that was supposed to be a tall and elegant cake, was chopped up, smothered in stuff and baked again.  Put back in the hot oven and it came out completely different, but delicious. There is no question I have failed at many things,--I had hopes of being something lean and elegant at the end of this journey, but instead this blogging year has in a way broken me, I have been put back in the fire, but the outcome is perhaps more interesting than what I had originally set out to be.  I may have hoped to be a three layer cake, with beautiful frosting, but instead I'm a delicious strata and I'm happy with that.  Tonight I was reminded that sometimes my intentions, what I set out hoping will be, is not really the best idea anyway.  How much more important that I continue to walk with Christ and let him add whatever ingredients, whatever flavors he sees fit.  It will for sure be better than my ideas anyway.  

355- The last 10 days... Wow

Only ten days left....  In the last several days I have really be struggling with issues connected to this journey.  I had hoped for more, I wish I could say I posted every single night on time,  I question the quality of what I have written, of what I have learned, and frankly I have questioned the whole process.

Today after running some errands I ended up at home, turned on the TV and the movie Julie Julia was on. The movie is about a young writer who decides to blog for one year every night as she cooks her way through Julia Childs cook book.  It is a great movie, but it has been on over and over for the last week.  I keep running into it and I can't watch it.  Every time she talks about the blogging process I feel like a fake,  I find myself wishing I had dug deeper, studied more and had used this opportunity to write more substantive posts.

Perfectionism is plaguing me.  Making it hard to stop playing in the (C).  Once again I find myself in that place where I am too quick to shame myself, instead of kindly critiquing myself in an effort to continue to grow and improve. 

I have not seen changes in my body, but inside--- inside I know I am a different person. For example today I may be struggling but I am at least thinking about the struggle facing it and not just laying in bed all day because I feel defeated.  Instead, I took a short nap, then got up and started doing things that needed to be done around the house.  That is an improvement. 

I have not posted every night.  I have had some difficult weeks, and there were times when I just didn't blog because I choose to spend the time in other ways.  However, I am 10 days away from completing this process and I will end on time with 365 posts... that is something.

The quality--- I said from the beginning that this was my personal journey and nothing more.  Some days are filled with deep and profound moments and others are....well boring.  That is life. 

So ten days left... part of my struggle has been what next.  Do I just stop, do I keep going,  do I just blog when I want?  What do I do?  Part of me is excited to be thinking about not having this blog to write every day, and yet I can't imagine not blogging.  It has become part of my life and routine.  It has kept me working hard at letting go of (C) and I don't ever want to stop that. 

Tonight, I don't have answers to all the questions, and I don't know how to let go of some of the shame while still being willing to be honest with myself.  I don't have answers but I have just decided to stop looking forward-- to stop looking behind me, and just take the next step.  Just blog today and tomorrow, keep working on letting go of the (C) and finish with an intentional focus on today and nothing more. Looking at today, is a start in helping me put down the (C).

354- Home again

Today was a very busy and very productive day at work.  I worked hard and fast from early to 3pm when I picked up Abby and we started down the road to Charlotte.  I had agreed to take her home today and boy am I glad I did.  Today was one of those days when if I didn't have another commitment I would have stayed a couple more days.  There was that much to do.  I wrote letters to parents, prepared mailings, worked on making decisions and so much more.  I left with a lot yet to do, but I had to go--- so I did. 

As Abby and I drove home we had plenty of opportunity to talk.  She is an amazing girl that I have known since the days she was born and yet it seems as if I am just now getting to really know her.  She is smart, an amazing worker, organized, dedicated, honest, and a joy to be around.  As we got closer and closer to home, she started texting her mom more and more often giving updates as to our location.  As we drove into her neighborhood you could feel her excitement.  It has been three and a half weeks since she has been home and this is her fist time away from home for that length of time.  As we approached her home she was surprised to see her sister, mother and father all in the driveway waiting to see her.  They were all so excited they couldn't stand it! Amy told me their entire family, grandparents, aunts, uncles.... everyone is coming for a Friday night family dinner in honor of her return home for break.  Some of the family is driving more than two hours to come for just a dinner--- just a chance to see her.  Mind you all of the family has seen her at some point in the last 3 weeks, and they all have plans at other times to see her between now and when she heads back to school, but they all wanted to come with the dedicated purpose of celebrating Abby's return home for break.

Can you imagine such fuss?  Can you imagine being lavished with such joy at the mere presence of you? What an incredible beautiful example of how much our heavenly father desires to be with us. I am sure some of you are thinking it is too much, it must be spoiling her.  I am here to say this girl does not think the world revolves around her, she has the strength to be who she is!  She is not selfish, but is secure in knowing she has an amazing support system and she can share with others!  She is not focused on herself, but sees the need in others around her and is happy to help out and love them.

Tonight in spite of all of my failings, my short comings, tonight I tried to picture Jesus with all his angels sitting at the gates, anxiously waiting for me.  So excited, eyes filled with joy at the site of me.  I imagine Jesus saying something like, "I am so glad to have you home, it has not been the same without you here!"  "Just wait till you see what I have prepared for you!!! It is beautiful, yummy, and your favorite and everyone is here to celebrate!!!"   Oh what a day that will be! 

Tonight I don't weigh any less than I did yesterday, tonight my clothes don't fit any better, yet tonight I feel more the princess, more longed for, more prepared for than last night.  Thanks to the King family for reminding me, that.... "I go to prepare a place for you.... that where I am there ye may be also!!!!!!"  Oh what a day that will be!

353- Back to work--- Drama

After a beautiful day yesterday, today I headed back to work.  Tonight was the first drama meeting with the new and more than doubled in size group.  The group from last year is very hesitant to have anyone new on the team because they loved last years group.  I knew that had potential to be a problem so I decided to address it head on.  I talked with the entire group about how great things were, and yet how we have to let it be and look forward to what things can be now.  I talked about being open to the new group and not to compare to what had been. 

Tonight as I am down in grandparents basement again, I thought what a great reminder for me too.  I don't need to be looking to the past, or dreaming of what it could be in the future but take this process one step at a time.  Yesterday was rough, all I could think about was how this process has not been enough, how much more I had hoped for.  Yet that is spending way to much time thinking of what could have-- should have-- been. 

Tonight as I talked with the drama team I heard myself and decided to once again do my best to think about today and today only!

352- Riding (sunday)

This morning was perfect.  The air was crisp and cool, the sun was coming out and we had to go out and enjoy a motorcycle ride.  So we climbed on the bike and headed out to Davidson to a little restaurant called "The Egg".  The motorcycle ride was a beautiful way to start the day.  As we road home I kept thinking about where Chris and I have been and our dreams for the future.  I kept being  enchanted by God's nature and by the sky, the clouds, the trees and beautiful porches.  So a perfect morning= crap free---I wish.

As I approach the end of the year of blogging I find myself wishing for more, wishing I felt done, wishing in the area of health I had seen huge changes.  Then as soon as I start thinking that way I immediately remember how thankful I am for the changes I have seen in my life.  I am thankful for so much and yet--- frankly there has been so much shame (C) surrounding my weight that if it even enters my thoughts I start piling (C) on myself.  As we road, I thought a lot about blogging--- about this whole process and in a way I felt defeated.  It was a rough day of wishing I had experienced as much change on the outside as I have had on the inside. Today was a struggle.

 

351- Empty Nest= Joy (Sabbath)

I realize just the title of this post to some will be impossible to comprehend.  I have heard so much--- from so many over the years about how terrible empty nest was.  I remember when the kids were tiny and we were overwhelmed with three under three, couples with grown children were trying to tell us to enjoy them because one day they would be gone and your life will be over.  They said things like, "we are lost", or "I cry all the time", or "you will wish you had them back, you will wish they were young again." 

I could not disagree more!!!  I loved my kids young, enjoyed those moments of little sweet adorable kids crawling in bed on sunday morning, or running around the house giggling as loud as they could, or times like when Andrew tried to get the Cherrios box off the table and ended up pouring the entire huge new box of cherrios on his head and all over the floor at his feet.  He looked at me frightened and when he saw me smile he started giggling and sat down and proceeded to throw them up over his head like you would a leaf pile.  He laughed and laughed.  What a moment.  Did I love those moments yes, yes yes!  Do I wish they were young again, no, no, no!

I love having adult children who are out there discovering the world, studying, learning to be adults, take responsibility, loving others, and finding joy in life.  I see this as one of those moments when Chris and I can look at each other and say, "On some level we were successful!  We have done what we were asked to do and now--- now we get to enjoy each other. 

Chris and I are spending such wonderful quality time together.  We are laughing, playing, loving, and relishing in this time of life and in each other. Today was a great example.  We got up early, very very early and went to church.  After first service was over at 10am we got in the car and drove to another church where Chris was playing for their service with some friends.  I had the opportunity to watch our friends little ones, while they praised God.  As I stood in the mothers room rocking their precious little boy back and forth in his stroller, in an attempt to keep him asleep, I couldn't help but cherish the moment.  I thought about all the Sabbaths we were doing the same when our kids were young. How church was their nap time, how much I loved seeing them so happy to be in Sabbath school.  How fun it was to teach them songs where they clapped and learned motions.  Yet I don't want those times back.  I love now having the opportunity to help others.  To rock other peoples babies, and then get in our car, just the two of us and drive home, where we can climb into bed and nap as long as we like.  We can then get up and decide on dinner and a movie, and we don't have to think or care about what the kids need or want.  We have the house to ourselves all the time!  We can run around..... OK never mind, you get the picture. 

I have heard people say they never have any regrets.  I have regrets for sure!  I wish I had been less fixated on (C)!  I wish so much of my young mothering years weren't consumed with guilt over not cleaning the house enough or not cooking enough healthy food, or not looking pretty enough while I did it all.  I wish many things, but I know God can take it all and make something good out of it.

Today was full of enjoying and finding the joy in this empty nest.  It was a great day and I'm thankful to be right where I am.  Right here right now!   No looking back and wishing, no looking forward with dread, instead relishing in the blessings and the joy of today--- in our empty nest!!!!!!!!

350- Reading, Learning, Pushing

I hate to read!  For all of you readers out there I understand that is an unforgivable statement, that diminishes me in your eyes. It is something I need to get over or change, I am sure you are thinking.  Perhaps you're right but I'm not sure.  I have said before there are other ways of learning.  There are other ways of discovering truth, understanding God, and just learning in general. 

Today I received in the mail a DVD with my Seattle talk on it--- I decided to watch it, to critique myself without piling on the (C).  I vowed to be kind, but honest, with the understanding that my surrendered efforts were my best at the time. As I watched and critiqued I found things that I expected to want to tear apart I was OK with.  I did find a list of things I want to improve on. 

This past week Carolyn had Josh ask me a question about some issues he has with reading.  He would get very upset when he had to read.  He would get very agitated.  As we talked about it, I recognized a lot of feelings I have about reading.  As we talked I shared that it was just something he was going to have to learn to do so that he could get to an end result.  I suggested that he try reading and playing in short intervals.  Basically, if he needs to read for an half hour to take one hour and read 10, play 10 etc.  or 5 or however the time works best.  

Today as I watched the DVD one of my critiques was that I need to make sure I do know some of the specifics I intend to use.  I often get nervous and question myself, and forget things that I don't think I will, so they aren't in my notes.  I also just wish I had a deeper study to back what I experientially have learned. So today I decided I was going to start studying, digging deeper, learning something everyday. 

So I started studying the book of Esther.  As I started reading I found it difficult to keep my concentration, to stay focused, or to stay awake.  Then it dawned on me--- I needed to take my own advise and start reading or studying in spurts.  Interval learning.  Read, listen to music,read,  go for a walk,read,  pray, read, listen to a sermon, read. Read poetry, read books, read the bible.  Mix it up.  Keep finding ways of learning that fit me, but also throw in some tiny bits of reading.  I still believe that the concepts that I learn and stick for a lifetime will most likely be from experiences and that makes me no less intelligent and it makes what is learned no less important, yet I am going to add reading to the mix. 

Today was about pushing myself, being strong enough to critique myself with out piling on the (C) and learning.  Tonight I am thankful for the appreciation I have for who God created me to be!  Tonight I am looking forward who He continues to mold me into!

349- A change in focus

Today was the first school board meeting of the year.  Rick asked me to give a devotional to start the board meeting.  The last time he asked, I was an emotional wreck. Today I hoped and prayed that I would keep it under control.  I prayed that God would give me what to share, that it would be meaningful, and for them.  I am of the opinion that devotionals should first inspire us, and then call us to an action or change.  Perhaps that is just a change in how we think or a renewed desire to continue on a path, but no matter it must call us to move.

Today I prayed a lot! I prayed that I would know what to say, that I would say it without falling apart. I prepared and then--- I stood in front of the room of important people and struggled with so much (C).  All I could think about was how much I had fallen apart the last time, I thought about what they must think of me, and it wasn't pretty.  I supposed all kinds of things they must think.  Some seemed interested, others seemed board, and a few I had no idea.  The truth is it was all suppositional!  I had no idea what people were thinking and all of it, all of my supposing was nothing more than (C) that distracted me from focusing on the message, the devotional I had prepared.  At one moment during the devotional I paused and said a prayer, asking for a complete shower, a washing of the (C) that I was letting in. I intentionally stopped thinking what they might be thinking and focused on what I know God has said.  What they think, feel, decide etc, is not my problem or my concern.  My concern, my charge was to share a message and the rest was left up to the Holy Spirit. With a change in focus I completed the devotional.  I was still emotional, but not a basket case! 

After it was over and I was sitting in my office, still struggling.  I felt like I was in a battle.  A battle of letting it go or supposing what everyone thought, how it came across on and on.  I know it was the wrong place to look the wrong thing to think, and yet I struggled.  There has been so much crap that I fight through every time I stand up to speak and it is that crap that keeps me focusing on me instead of those around me, instead of keeping my focus on Christ! As I sat there struggling, I thought of the lists of things I have learned help when I am in the midst of a struggle with (C).  One of the items on that list is to help someone else.  After remembering that,  I found out a student who was struggling had some free time she didn't realize she had and I took her to lunch and encouraged her to let go of (C) she is struggling with.  As we sat and shared and talked, the struggle subsided.  Knowing her pain, knowing her struggle gave me the strength to put down mine and just rest in the belief that since I was asked to share, since I prayed for his guidance, since I put in the preparation, since I surrendered it to Him---- I had nothing to fear and I could rest!

Tonight I can't say I didn't struggle, but I can say I saw the struggle and had a change in focus.  That is a start.

348- Beth

Today I had a quick and yummy lunch with Beth.  I have been focusing on my name a lot recently.  Thinking about it's meaning, and who I am.  I know I have written this before but I was reminded how much more I like my name because of Beth.  We had the opportunity to go to lunch.  I have not seen Beth or had the opportunity to talk with her much and today as we were enjoying conversation I was reminded what a lovely person she is, how much I enjoy our times together and how much more I like my name!  Thanks Beth!

Perhaps the lowest moment was when I heard my boy is once again struggling with his car.  What is the deal with him and cars.  It is not for a lack of trying that we have tried to keep that boy in a car.  Tonight it just started acting up again.  My heart just sunk when Chris told me.  Chris sounded so sad, and he was sad because Andrew was sad--- ergggg--- I can't handle my men being so sad. 

I want to find a way to fix it, to make it all better.  I hate it.  Tonight I am struggling because I wish I was with Chris.  I wish he wasn't home alone struggling with the stress.  Not that I could do anything other than be a distraction... which I'm very good at...LOL! 

However seriously, these are one of those moments when I am reminded that I can't and am not supposed to fix it.  Frankly the idea, even the thought that I can fix it is (C).  I too often, way too often take on others stuff, when I shouldn't.  I think it is something us women do way too often.  I want to fix enrollment, fix my kids, fix the church, fix the country.... too grandiose.... duh! Why do we do that.  Today, I had conversations about doing flowers for people... because I can....about extra work ideas....because I can....things for my grandparents...because I can....NOT BECAUSE I should.  It is a disease.  I some how some way have got to step back and ask the question, "is this mine or not?"  If it is not mine, then I need to let it go and be willing to let others handle what is theirs!

Praying for my boy, loving him and being disappointed for him, instead of trying to just take it all away!

347 - Back to work (Tues)

As always this is a difficult day for me.  Back to work, away from home.... until I get to Pisgah.  Once there I am as happy as can be!  I love my work, know it is what I should be doing and can't wait to get things accomplished.  So the morning was awful.  I dreaded it so much, hated getting ready, couldn't seem to get out the door, then finally I made it to work and then felt silly for the difficult time. 

This year I have Abby A. and Abby K. working for me.  AA is a Junior  and AK is a Freshman. They are both creative, and smart, dedicated and quick to get things done.  As a result they are keeping me on my toes.  As soon as I give them a task they seem to get it done.  I walk in the door and we hit it running.  In a matter of a couple hours we had tons of work done.  It is such a good feeling.  We are cranking out the work and having fun doing it.  I love love it!!

I always feel behind, like there are things that need to get done that haven't gotten done, but what a difference a year makes.  This year we are getting things checked off the list and I have Abbys to thank for that! 

Hands down one of the best parts of my day.... wait for it.... wait for it.... yep... you will never guess.... was spending time with my grandparents!  Yep you read right!!!!  After work I went over and bothered the Vaughan household for a while trying to avoid my grandparents.  There are just some days when I am not excited about being guarded, hearing hurtful things, etc.  Today was one of those days.  I had a lovely time at the Vaughans watching some tv and just chatting.  It was wonderful getting caught up.  Then I decided I had to head to the grandparents thinking they would already be asleep---but they were still up.  Still awake.  I decided to go say hello in their bed room.  I ended up sitting in their chair at the foot of their bed and talking.  It was pleasant and a real joy.  Grandfather told me how much they appreciated me spending time with them and grandmother laughed a lot.  What a wonderful special time. 

Here is the wonderful part.  As I walked in their home, I was debating.... go down stairs or go and say hello.  This was my prayer, "Lord, I am going to go down the hall and say hello because I want to honor them because you have asked that of me.  Lord, sometimes they sling (C), if they do please help it slide right off, don't let me pick it up and take  it down stairs with me.  Lord please shield me from the (C) if it is thy will."  As I walked down that hall I was prepared, but not guarded.  I knew what might come, but I was ready to let it slide off and.... it was perhaps the best conversation we have had in years!  Go figure.  I was thrilled.  I connected with them, expressed my love for them and then headed downstairs to my basement room to sleep. 

I am so thankful for these moments, and will cherish them.  Today I was reminded that sometimes to do what is right we have to be willing to take some (C), but we don't have to cherish it, or pick it up and play with it. Who knows perhaps just acceptance will help us deal with the crap in a healthy way, or perhaps we won't have to deal with it at all. 

346- Friends (Mon)

Perhaps one of the most valuable things I have learned from this process is the importance of friendships.  This weekend was packed with friend moments.  I had a great time with Amy on Friday, the Kendalls Friday night, Maria sabbath lunch, Lorelle sabbath afternoon, Sam and Didi Sunday morning and now on Monday I had errands to run, work to accomplish and lunch to have with several amazing ladies.  It was a time to share, a time to affirm each other and a time to let it all out.

There were several moments in the day when I was blown away by how incredibly deep and intelligent these women are.  I was moved by their openness and their willingness to be real!  What a blessing.   I will say this, I have a new found appreciation for what  the female friends in my life bring.

I have always had a wonderful relationship with Chris, he is my best friend for sure.  So many times women like to get together and gripe about the opposite sex, their husbands, boyfriends etc.  I have no desire to sit and "*itch" about my man.  I don't like sitting around and whining.  I think relationships with girlfriends need to be, must be about growing so that our relationships are better!  My time with my girlfriends should send me home more determined to be a better wife and a better friend to my man!  This weekend it has been that way with all these connections.  Each conversation made me want to be more connected to my family, to my God, and to my man!  That is in a nut shell the definition of a great friendship! 

After my time today, all I could think about was how rich I am!  Wealthy with friends who are not just lunching friends, but deep get to the gut friends.  People who challenge me and won't take (C).  They pray for me and love me just as I am and me them. 

I am thankful for today and feel richer for it!

345- Brunch and the High Chair! (Sun)

Sunday morning comes and Chris and I get to start cooking.  We decided to make our family favorite RollUps.  This is similar to crepes and we fill them with both savory and sweet.  It is just good and we enjoy the process of making them together.   I ran to the store while Chris finished up the final details at home.  When we had it all done, table set, flowers, food, music, all done what a wonderful feeling.  We finished about two minutes before our guests arrived.  As Didi walked in one of the first comments was how thankful she was we had the highchair.  I smiled in appreciation to Chris.  I really believe the most important element to hospitality it making people feel comfortable.  I remember the years when taking our kids to adult only homes, how terrified I was of the messes my kids would make, or the challenges of getting them fed.  I often felt shame because they were just being kids!  I had hoped to make it a meal that was not just delicious but fun for the kids too, and when I invite an 11 month old over for brunch,  I wanted a place for him to sit!  As he sat there eating his breakfast one little piece at a time off the tray of his brand new high chair I kept thinking how God deals with us in the same way.  I know I have so much to understand, so much to learn, frankly I am like an eleven month old, not ready for a fork or spoon.  I am still using my fingers to pick up little pieces of understanding, and instead of shaming me, instead of handing me a china bowl and a silver spoon, he provides a high chair with a tray so that I can pick up the pieces -- one piece at a time. 

We had such an amazing time.  The conversation was real and inspiring!  What wonderful intelligent friends Sam and Didi are.  We had such a delightful time. 

After they left Chris and I for the first time all weekend did nothing!  We did absolutely nothing and enjoyed that too!  It was a crazy full couple days, but I learned so much and enjoyed my time with friends and Chris. 

Living MtC today was about letting go of the notion that my house is never clean enough, and believing that opening it is enough!!!  That there may be stains on the rug, but that just makes it easy to not worry when food is spilled.  Our chairs are falling apart and don't match, but they kept us all at the table where we had amazing conversation.  Today was about doing what I know is most important and that is to say welcome and serve those around me.  It was such a joy and I can honestly say it was a remarkable day!!!!

344- Sabbath, Blessings upon Blessings

So I will start tonight's post by talking about last night, Friday night the beginning of the Holy Sabbath day.  Friday night Chris and I had the privilege of going over to the Kendall home for dinner.  We had not seen them in a very long time.  My God children are growing up and I don't see them enough.  So we headed over to their home for a last minute, pull it together dinner.  We had an amazing time, the food was so good, lasagna, caprese salad,  yum yum yum.  However the best part was when my God children wanted to go and have worship.  They wanted to sing, play music and praise God together.  It was such a blessing.  Josh has started playing drums and so this was a lively praise session that just brought the house down.  He has just started playing so it is all about the runs, the cymbals and a beat or two in between!  It was amazing. He is really good for just starting, but the best part was the joy and the confidence that he played with.  Never concerned with anything other than praising with those drums and doing it as fancy as possible.

What a wonderful example of how we should come before the Lord in worship, with confidence that He will delight in our offerings to him, and willing to lay it all on the line, as joy filled, as loud, with our absolute best, come before God and fall at his feet and praise Him.  I was so thankful for his example!  Thanks Josh.

Sabbath morning we headed out to church early.  Chris was elder which meant he had to be there early.  So I rushed around trying to make sure I was ready on time.  I was, and off to church we went.  Church was nice, the music blessed me, the sermon challenged me and then we had planned to go home and spend the rest of the day resting and being together.  However, we were reminded that there was a concert being held at our church that afternoon, and one of the group members was one of my students.  I wanted to be there, to support.  Then one of the other elders in the church asked if we could talk and that lead to lunch plans.  To make a long story short, Chris and I found ourselves giving someone a ride home after the concert and by that time it was way past time for dinner.  Chris decided we would stop and eat before heading home.  So we found a new place and stopped to eat.

As we talked we started making plans for brunch the next day. We had invited a couple from our church and their two children over for brunch.  We were looking forward to cooking for them and fellowshipping together.   As we talked about it I told Chris I really wanted to buy a high chair.  One would expect a "you are a crazy wife" look-- if not comment,  from any good husband!  However it didn't even phase him.  He just said, "OK".  I proceeded to tell him which high chair I wanted and from what store.  Now I wish I could draw you a map of our day.  Let's just say this....  Home to church 20 min.  church to home (to change for lunch and concert) 20 min.  Home to lunch 17 min.  Lunch to church 15min. Church to home of church member we were dropping off 30 min.  Members home to restaurant 10 min.  restaurant to home WOULD have been 30 min.  INSTEAD:  restaurant to Ikea 45 min. (in pouring rain storms) Ikea to home 45 min.

We did not arrive home until very late Sat. night.  Yet it was a remarkable day.  I can not tell you how loved I felt because of a high chair.  Seriously, it wasn't that Chris bought it for us, it was that he understood my heart, that he loved me enough not to turn this into a debate.  He loved me enough to make the drive and drive and drive.  Wow what a huge deal this was.  We arrived home after being gone for more than 15 hours.  What a day.

There is nothing better at keeping the (C) away or being resilient to (C) than to be spending time praising God.  Today there was lots of that.  We praised, we sang, we listened to others.  I came home exhausted yet filled!

343- Friend Time (Friday)

Friday morning I met Amy for breakfast.  Amy and I have been friends since high school.  No one would every put the two of us together.  She is blond, I'm brunette, she is orderly, I'm well... not, she is a fashionista, I'm well... not.  As different as we may be, we have been wonderful friends for a very long time.  With the crazy schedules of life our time together has become rare.  Today we planned to meet for coffee and breakfast before heading out on our days.  She had a full day planned of returning merchandise, and I needed to run errands and look for furniture for my room. We met at a wonderful place in town that has enough pastry to make choosing a huge problem. After choosing amazing bites we sat down to enjoy our treats and coffee.

As always the conversation was pure blessing.  We caught up on the lives of our children, shared, and encouraged each other.  We kept saying we needed to go and then kept talking.  Finally Amy says to me, "I'm getting hungry, shall we see what they have here for lunch."  It was one in the afternoon and our pastry and coffee had long worn off and we needed lunch.  This wonderful spot also has amazing bread and soups so we ordered soup and bread and continued our time together until it was time to pick up her daughter from school.

It was such a blessed time.  I will never forget meeting Amy for the first time.  She was in a class at Pisgah, and I walked in.  She was with several other beauties and they all came over and said hello.  I was shocked that they even came over because they were "the" girls.  I was bran new to the school and yet there was no question she was one of "the" girls.  She was smart, cute, had the cutest clothes etc.  As we became friends it never ceased to amaze me that this wonderful girl was willing to be friends with me.  Today there were moments when I felt the same--- Amy is a remarkable mom, an amazing wife, as beautiful today as the day we met, she is kind, so thoughtful, giving.  I am blessed to have her as a friend!  However there was a difference for me today.  Today, as we talked, I kept thinking how thankful I am that I have had this relationship in my life.  How thankful I am that I not only know a remarkable woman like Amy but that I can call her friend.  That is different from the (C) filled girl in high school who couldn't imagine why she would like me because I was fat, I was lacking cute clothes, because I wasn't good enough or popular enough to be friends with her.  Today there wasn't shame just thankfulness and gratitude for her.  Today it wasn't all about me... poor me... it was about remarkable her!

I hope you can see the difference.  I have always loved her-- today I loved her without putting myself down!  I know I started this post with some comparisons that could be perceived as putting myself down, but it wasn't meant that way.  We are different and yet in many ways we are similar.  We both love over the top entertaining, opening our homes, all things beautiful and the color red.  We are in love with our husbands and really like our kids.  We enjoy romance movies, and we avoid exercise.  We love talking with each other and spending time with God.  Amy I appreciate you!  Today I was again reminded how important friendships are!  I am so blessed to have friends and I need to do more to stay connected with those around me! 

342- Cutting... Saying No (Thurs)

In case you are wondering I made it through picture day.  I walked in the room, sat on the bench and smiled.  I survived.  The real trial of my day was finalizing the Present Truth Drama team for this next year.  I ran around finding the last few students who needed to audition. Listened to auditions and then started the process of cutting names, choosing who I would say no to.  It was terrible.

I fought with the part of me who wants to find the best in people, wants to see the possibilities, wants to discover those who others won't give a chance to and the part of me who wants to accomplish the difficult job and just choose.  I want to be able to say no to choose the best of the best, and yet I want to be able to help and grow those who need it.  (Wow that sounds ridiculous).

It was a day of constant struggling.  Questioning my struggle.  Was it because that is just who I am?  Was I struggling because of (C) in my life.  Was I struggling because I wanted to prove I'm not just the softy everyone thinks I am.  I wanted to do a good job, but I also really really wanted to make sure that my stuff didn't get in the way of me choosing exactly who needed to be on drama.

After working with my assistant we finally made the decision.  We decided on the must haves and then a couple "potentials".  I am thrilled about the list and the possibilities.

Then after a short meeting, dinner with Beth and Rick, I was on my way home to Chris.  I am happy to have this decision making process behind me.  I now pray for wisdom in working with the amazing group of youth.