364- Quiet- The sound of peace.

Tonight as sundown arrived, Chris turned off the TV.  The contrast between, the noise and the silence, the light and the darkness was shocking.  There was an instant change in mood, an instant feeling of peace.

It has been a peaceful day for me.  I worked some, but spent quite a bit of time contemplating, praying and preparing for tomorrow.  Perhaps what I am wanting more than anything as an ending is just quiet.  I hope for the stories I construct in my mind to quiet, and for reality to reign.  I hope for the insecurities, the shame, the constant perfectionistic drive to be quieted.

I am not under the illusion that magically tomorrow after this year is completed that I will be 100% crap free.  I understand it isn't about living without it as much as it is identifying it, so that I can deal with it, wash it off instead of walking around for years carrying my own and other peoples crap.  I hope for there to be a peace, a quietness in my life. 

Today I made homemade bread.  In fact as I am writing the house is filled with the amazing aroma of homemade bread.  Earlier as it was rising I remembered how when I was a child and we made homemade bread and it was time to eat and the bread was still dough, we would make fried bread.  Tonight we didn't have any bread to go with our soup, but there was just enough extra dough to make fry bread.  I hesitated for a moment.  I started to go to the place of self ridicule and shame, in an effort to talk myself out of it, not for good reasons but for crap reasons.  Tonight, I can't even tell you what those were because the second, I started to go there I stopped and said, "NO, it is not a healthy choice, but if it is a choice that you would like to make then make it freely without crap and enjoy."  So  I did.  Chris and I went into the kitchen together and together we warmed leftover homemade soup and fried some fry bread to have with it.  It was delicious and I enjoyed it, thinking of delightful childhood moments when we delighted in fry bread. 

I am thrilled to have this time of rest, this time when I can reflect on this journey, when I can enjoy the occasional fry bread without my stomach turning from all the guilt and shame.  Tonight I am enjoying the quiet, the still and the peace!