Today was a huge struggle. My mind was bouncing from one thing to the next. I was restless. Finally, after getting some work done, I decided to just let it go and watch a movie, take a nap, just ignore the world for a while. During that time Chris called. He said he was just calling because he needed to hear my voice and that he loved me. We chatted for just a couple moments. It was wonderful but I was then feeling guilty for my escape for doing nothing. I finished my movie and then started trying to figure out what we were going to have for dinner. Chris had said he would have a worship leaders meeting but would be home around 7:30 ready to eat. We were low on groceries so figuring out dinner was going to be a challenge. I went and started looking through the pantry. I found the ingredients for something I have never made and something I didn't even have a recipe for. Garbanzo Beans and Dumplings. I spent some time researching recipes online, hoping to find one close to what I remember my mom making. I finally found one and started cooking. Looking at the clock I realized I needed to slow down, let the stew simmer before adding the dumplings if they would be perfect for Chris. I held off until I thought Chris was about 15 minutes away. When the stew was done I shut it off and waited... and waited.... and waited... finally around 8 I called Chris. He was still at the church.
He said he would be leaving soon. It sounded to me like he was reminded he needed to leave when I called. It sent my mind in a whirl wind of doubt and fear. I was imagining that he would rather be at church than to be home with me. He had forgotten me. In a matter of minutes I was hurt. Terribly hurt, and my mind was a whirl thinking the worst. He called telling me he was on his way and wondering if I needed him to stop and get anything for dinner. I just coldly and curtly said, "NO." We hung up the phone and I waited. I was washing up the last of the dishes from the day when he came in. He walked right over to the sink wrapped his arms around me from the back, put his head right next to mine and told me how sorry he was. Everything was all better right... Oh I wish. No instead I remained cool. Where I had gone in my mind was so much worse than being late for dinner and a kind loving apology wasn't enough. I mean how could he apologize when he didn't even know what was wrong.
I served up the garbanzo stew and dumplings, we ate with polite but cool chit chat. Chris several times apologized, without really knowing how I was feeling. We ended up watching a movie and then going to bed. In bed I finally shared with him where my mind had gone when he didn't show up. He again apologized, and then with a little twinkle in his eye, said, "I hope you remember my phone call this afternoon, and what I said." The moment he reminded me of the call, it was as if a blanket of gloom, doubt, fear, was lifted. I was filled with emotion and my eyes weld up with tears. I realized, I had let crap get in the way of truth. When he called earlier, I was so consumed with crap that told me I should not be relaxing, that I didn't really hear him. I didn't appreciate that my husband had taken time out of his busy day to express his love and desire for me. Then when he was late, I was so consumed with crap that I'm not enough, I'm not desirable because I'm not good enough. Because of my own crap, I let him being late take over our entire evening.
Now it was my turn to apologize and I did. Chris is now sleeping soundly and before he fell asleep we talked about me blogging. He agreed to have me share the story. This story is not about a husband who failed or who was inconsiderate. This story is not about a husband who asked forgiveness. This story is all about how crap can get in the way and turn small things into huge things. How my crap can take a loving, committed man, who calls just to say how much he love his wife, who is committed to God, and has a passion to help others, and turn him into a distant, intentionally hurtful, uninterested in me husband. I am so thankful tonight that the reality of the situation was so much sweeter. I am so thankful that as I finish this blog and join my husband and sleep, I know the crap that reeked havick today is gone and I have apologized to my husband, we have made up and have been vulnerable with each other.
No comments:
Post a Comment