Only ten days left.... In the last several days I have really be struggling with issues connected to this journey. I had hoped for more, I wish I could say I posted every single night on time, I question the quality of what I have written, of what I have learned, and frankly I have questioned the whole process.
Today after running some errands I ended up at home, turned on the TV and the movie Julie Julia was on. The movie is about a young writer who decides to blog for one year every night as she cooks her way through Julia Childs cook book. It is a great movie, but it has been on over and over for the last week. I keep running into it and I can't watch it. Every time she talks about the blogging process I feel like a fake, I find myself wishing I had dug deeper, studied more and had used this opportunity to write more substantive posts.
Perfectionism is plaguing me. Making it hard to stop playing in the (C). Once again I find myself in that place where I am too quick to shame myself, instead of kindly critiquing myself in an effort to continue to grow and improve.
I have not seen changes in my body, but inside--- inside I know I am a different person. For example today I may be struggling but I am at least thinking about the struggle facing it and not just laying in bed all day because I feel defeated. Instead, I took a short nap, then got up and started doing things that needed to be done around the house. That is an improvement.
I have not posted every night. I have had some difficult weeks, and there were times when I just didn't blog because I choose to spend the time in other ways. However, I am 10 days away from completing this process and I will end on time with 365 posts... that is something.
The quality--- I said from the beginning that this was my personal journey and nothing more. Some days are filled with deep and profound moments and others are....well boring. That is life.
So ten days left... part of my struggle has been what next. Do I just stop, do I keep going, do I just blog when I want? What do I do? Part of me is excited to be thinking about not having this blog to write every day, and yet I can't imagine not blogging. It has become part of my life and routine. It has kept me working hard at letting go of (C) and I don't ever want to stop that.
Tonight, I don't have answers to all the questions, and I don't know how to let go of some of the shame while still being willing to be honest with myself. I don't have answers but I have just decided to stop looking forward-- to stop looking behind me, and just take the next step. Just blog today and tomorrow, keep working on letting go of the (C) and finish with an intentional focus on today and nothing more. Looking at today, is a start in helping me put down the (C).
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