Three hundred and sixty five days of blogging. Three hundred and sixty five blogs about living minus the crap. 365.
Riding on the back of the motorcycle today with the sun beating down on me, the wind cooling me, and the sky bright blue I spent a hour in quiet contemplation about the past 365. Am I any different? Was there any benefit in this exercise in daily writing? I thought about measurable changes--- my physical being isn't any different. I thought about accomplishments---I took a dance class, I ran a half marathon, I wrote 365 blog posts. That is something. So is that it? What now? I seemed to be filled with far more questions than answers.
I spent much of the day debating with myself about this last post. Should it be short and sweet, just like all the others or a long recap. I thought I needed to purchase a nice white fluffy terry cloth robe and have it monogrammed with MtC, take a picture and post that. Great idea! One wash and my fluffy white robe would turn into a fluffy rust colored robe with our hard, iron laden water. I thought about having a party and inviting all of those who have been on this journey with me--- yet though this was a public blog, it has been a private experience. So what do I do?
I have decided on a quiet simple ending (shocking perhaps to those who know me). No fireworks or elaborate menus. Chris and I have spent the entire day together, and tonight we will eat Ruben sandwiches, perhaps watch a movie and have a quiet Saturday night at home.
Today over lunch I asked Chris what he thought of this whole journey, did he see a difference in me, was he glad it was over? His answer was that he saw a difference in my ability to discern, to catch myself, to identify the crap and let it go, which has freed me to step out and do more.
I agree, it isn't about not having crap in my life, it is simply about not carrying it around and cherishing it the way I used to. When I started, I had high hopes that I would today be sitting here a completely different person inside and out--- I'm not---I'm still me, just a much more aware me.
So what now? Where do I go from here? Anywhere? Do I just take down the blog and be done? Or continue? These questions have consumed me for weeks---with no clear answer.
Last week I heard a sermon by Pastor Steven Furtick at Elevation Church here in Charlotte. The title of his sermon was Digging some Ditches. He looked at the story in 2 Kings 3:9-20 where the army ran out of water in the desert and the King asks Elisha to ask the Lord for rain. Then Elisha says to the King, (I'm paraphrasing)... The Lord said, to build ditches, it won't rain, but fill the valley with ditches and you will have water. So they did just that. Steven, talked about just doing. Stepping out and when it is difficult and you see no sign of rain, no hope, dig a ditch. One of the quotes he used, (I don't remember from where) was this. You can't be creative unless you create something.
Then this week I go and hear Brene' Brown speak about her new book Daring Greatly. Over and over she shared how being vulnerable enough to be laughed at is where great things happen. A similar message. Then today in church Pastor Ryan Ashlock, challenged us to keep going. To let go of the weights, the stuff that is keeping us shackled and unable to run, set it down... (my version, set down the crap and run). Move forward, run.
This afternoon I wanted to scream, "I get the message", but to do that would require me to move, to step out, to start digging ditches, to put down the crap and create something. I have been resisting---terrified frankly!
So where do I go from here? What now?
I have decided that I will first take a month off. I have vacation time coming up, sometime with friends, some time with my husband, and I plan to enjoy, to relish in the relationships, to curl into bed next to Chris without my lap top on my lap. I will take a month to just enjoy.
Then I plan to start looking back at what I have written, organize it into topics, take those topics and write about the topic, really write about it. I want it to be well written, grammatically correct, organized and something that is my best. I realized this week as I pondered the what next, that I engineered this process to protect me. To protect me from the humiliation and shame of putting out something I thought was good to find it not good. I right up front told everyone that I was NOT going to try to make it good. I used the excuse that I didn't want to get caught up in the English, the writing, but keep my focus on the process. I know now, it was a little of that and a lot more about insulating myself from the level of vulnerability required to put "my best" out and have it fall short. I remember thinking of some of you who are English teachers or editors and terrified that what I wrote would not be good. So I took care of that by making it clear that was not the purpose of the blog.
I am not ready, but I am going to put down the crap, that says if I fail, I am not good. I am going to wash it off and really try to write something of value, something that is well constructed, even if it fails. I am going to put myself out there, not just in content but in the writing.
I will not write as often. Perhaps once a week, perhaps once a month, but I will keep writing. It will take longer because I have to learn where comas go and more. After my month off I do hope to work on it each day, but just post when the subject is completed.
For me this will be digging my ditches, letting go of the load so I can run, it will be daring greatly with a high likelihood of falling flat, but I'm going to do it anyway. I am going to find a way to be vulnerable enough to once and for all do what I have long wanted, write.
In closing (as I sit here choking back the tears) this year has been an incredible process and I greatly appreciate your part. Your words of encouragement, your comments, your acknowledgement that you read the blog, and most importantly your prayers, kept me going. I can not begin to thank you enough for taking this journey with me. A blog would be just a journal if you had not joined in.
I also want to say a very special and public thank you to my husband Chris. I thank you for loving me and supporting me in this journey. Thank you for asking me.... "what are you going to do about it?" Thank you for letting our life be an open book, thank you for understanding and supporting me all the times this computer came to bed with us. Most importantly thank you for so eagerly reading each and every post. Your desire to better understand and know me is so honoring. Thank you for adoring me even when I was hanging on to piles of crap! You are quite the man!!!!! I love you so very much!
Well I think that is it. Thanks again. Now for the start of the new and daring me....I will start the process of really writing! So for tonight living MtC means daring to work on really writing. MtC means letting the crap go and being willing to fail!
Love to each and everyone of you!
Beth
P.S. If you feel so inclined to write, I would love to hear if any particular topic or blog post interested you. As I start the process of reevaluating this past year and sorting it all into topics your comments would be welcomed!
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