Today was the first school board meeting of the year. Rick asked me to give a devotional to start the board meeting. The last time he asked, I was an emotional wreck. Today I hoped and prayed that I would keep it under control. I prayed that God would give me what to share, that it would be meaningful, and for them. I am of the opinion that devotionals should first inspire us, and then call us to an action or change. Perhaps that is just a change in how we think or a renewed desire to continue on a path, but no matter it must call us to move.
Today I prayed a lot! I prayed that I would know what to say, that I would say it without falling apart. I prepared and then--- I stood in front of the room of important people and struggled with so much (C). All I could think about was how much I had fallen apart the last time, I thought about what they must think of me, and it wasn't pretty. I supposed all kinds of things they must think. Some seemed interested, others seemed board, and a few I had no idea. The truth is it was all suppositional! I had no idea what people were thinking and all of it, all of my supposing was nothing more than (C) that distracted me from focusing on the message, the devotional I had prepared. At one moment during the devotional I paused and said a prayer, asking for a complete shower, a washing of the (C) that I was letting in. I intentionally stopped thinking what they might be thinking and focused on what I know God has said. What they think, feel, decide etc, is not my problem or my concern. My concern, my charge was to share a message and the rest was left up to the Holy Spirit. With a change in focus I completed the devotional. I was still emotional, but not a basket case!
After it was over and I was sitting in my office, still struggling. I felt like I was in a battle. A battle of letting it go or supposing what everyone thought, how it came across on and on. I know it was the wrong place to look the wrong thing to think, and yet I struggled. There has been so much crap that I fight through every time I stand up to speak and it is that crap that keeps me focusing on me instead of those around me, instead of keeping my focus on Christ! As I sat there struggling, I thought of the lists of things I have learned help when I am in the midst of a struggle with (C). One of the items on that list is to help someone else. After remembering that, I found out a student who was struggling had some free time she didn't realize she had and I took her to lunch and encouraged her to let go of (C) she is struggling with. As we sat and shared and talked, the struggle subsided. Knowing her pain, knowing her struggle gave me the strength to put down mine and just rest in the belief that since I was asked to share, since I prayed for his guidance, since I put in the preparation, since I surrendered it to Him---- I had nothing to fear and I could rest!
Tonight I can't say I didn't struggle, but I can say I saw the struggle and had a change in focus. That is a start.
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