Well Thursday night my children came home!!!!! I probably don't need to say more. I only saw them for a few moments but what a blessing those few moments were. We shared some laughs and then I headed off to bed. This morning started at 5 am headed down the road to Pisgah to pick up the drama team. Arrived at the school around 7:30, started getting ready and packing up things. After loading up the shuttle we headed down the road for Charlotte. We decided to stop by two schools on our way and surprise them with Academy Days invitations, a skit, and lots of introductions and hello's. It was such a huge success. We really enjoyed the contact with the little and the big kids. They loved the distraction and the surprise. Then we grabbed a quick taco bell lunch and ended up at our church around 1pm. We then spent all afternoon practicing. We practiced drama and music. I was blown away. The first time we tried to practice music it was a disaster. I'm not exaggerating. It was terrible. We didn't even get through one song. We needed to have 6 for tomorrow. They are doing terrific! It sounds amazing! The skits have been going well and the music inspiring. Most important the students are really bonding as a team. Such a positive experience.
Today as I watched the popular and the unpopular work together, today as I listened to them come together and become a band full of praise, today as I listened to their stories, today as I saw an awkward eccentric talk about the confidence he has gained being at Pisgah, days like today make all the yesterdays worth it!!!! Today as I remembered Justin quietly as I drove the shuttle, and thought about how loved he was, about the outpouring of love for him and his family, today as I thought about all those Pisgah kids who are coming together to celebrate his life and comfort one another, today made yesterday just a little blimp. Yes I have been up since 5:00am and I still have a few things to do before hitting the pillow. Sure tomorrow I will have 27 people at my house for lunch, and the day will start at 7am, sure I will have to drive to Pisgah and back tomorrow night, but it is all worth it when you see young peoples lives changing. Watching Peter tonight playing with his class mates and doing such a great job, his guitar skills have improved so much, brought so much joy!
As Pastor Gary says there are "joy suckers" and I ran into a whole bunch yesterday, but today I received an amazing text from Lydia, today I rediscovered why I do this! Tonight I'm exhausted, sore and happy! Tonight, I didn't have to have faith that God was here, I saw him, heard him, and watched him work in so many lives! What a joy!
Happy Sabbath every one! I pray we all experience Him in a big way!
Friday, March 30, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Thursday... Are you kidding me?
Trying to focus on Christ and what he is doing in my life! I can not begin to tell you how incredibly difficult this was today. There was a central theme of this day, (C) with a theme, and the theme was this. People over and over again letting me know I am not cutting it! I am not getting things out on time, I am not returning phone calls, I am not returning emails, I am not, I am not I am not doing what I should. That was the theme. I kept trying to take it, do what I could, accept blame where I should and let it go. I tried taking moments to refocus and then, another email or phone call, to tell me AGAIN, you are not cutting it. So while I'm cleaning house I fought (C) that was telling me I needed to be working on work stuff, I didn't have the time or the luxury to clean house. Then a call or an email, and I would stop cleaning and work, then the (C) that tells me, I need to find balance, I have to take some time to be the wife and mother that I am. I am going to be working the entire weekend, I have worked Mon., Tues, Wed, and most of Thurs. and then I will work from 5am to 10pm on friday, and all day Sabbath, not getting home until probably 11pm on Sat. That is not working part time! I shouldn't feel guilty vacuuming on Thursday afternoon. So I tried again to clean and not accept the guilt, and then another text, another email and then at last one more text. I am not exaggerating when I tell you ALL were in one way or another telling me I was behind. For example I had three people including the conference text or call me to let me know the Pastor who is in charge of the Junior Department at Campmeeting was trying to get a hold of me to know if the recruiting team could help in Juniors. He sent me an email on Tues. That is the first he had tried to get a hold of me. Since Monday, there are 140 emails in my inbox. I have returned every email that had anything to do with potential students, Academy days, drama tour, MPA representatives, and Alumni weekend. However campmeeting was put on the back burner. So today, I had the privilege of knowing that he has called at least 3 other people complaining about not hearing from me. That was just one example!
Today I fought being hurt, angry, depressed, and defeated. I don't have an inspiring end to this day. I'm not sure how or why this day was such a struggle. I am ready, to spend time with my kids, spend time with the drama team. I am ready to put this day behind me, spend some time focusing on the blessings and remember that He said, ".... I am with you always, even unto the end..." I know always includes today, may not have felt it, seen it, or even experienced it, but tonight I am taking comfort in the promise that He was here just as much!
Today I fought being hurt, angry, depressed, and defeated. I don't have an inspiring end to this day. I'm not sure how or why this day was such a struggle. I am ready, to spend time with my kids, spend time with the drama team. I am ready to put this day behind me, spend some time focusing on the blessings and remember that He said, ".... I am with you always, even unto the end..." I know always includes today, may not have felt it, seen it, or even experienced it, but tonight I am taking comfort in the promise that He was here just as much!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Wed. We can choose where we look!
This morning after posting I kept thinking about looking for God in my day. It is so easy to see the (C) sometimes. So easy to see all that is going wrong. So easy to see all that still needs to happen. So easy to see all that is irritating, all that is yuck, but- but if we are willing to look, willing to search, willing to give Him credit-- we will see how God is in our lives. He is arranging lunches, answering prayers, comforting us, he is here! So today, I was determined to see Him and give Him credit.
So After posting, I had 4 emails to answer, phone calls to return and amazing things happened. One email was from a potential students mother who I happened to go to Pisgah with. We reconnected and enjoyed talking about our children. I am praying for them as they make their decision and I am confident that Jesus was present in our conversation. Then after that conversation I had a call from my friend Amy who was just calling to see how I was doing after the death of Justin and how the school and students were doing. In the process of our conversation she offered to house the girls this weekend so that when my kids come home for the Memorial service they can stay in their beds. It was very kind of her and I was very moved by her kindness and how God led her to call me. It was perfect timing and such a blessing. Then I had two very nice conversations with elementary schools. It was just a very uplifting and encouraging morning. I then packed up, went by the office to accomplish a couple things and drove home. On my drive home I was contemplating how much I had already experienced God! What a blessed full day!
After arriving home, I started the process of planning for the weekend, and next week. As I was working on scheduling and sending out emails, I received an email from Kevin informing me that APCS (the school there at Pisgah) was complaining about some students not having received invitations to Academy Days. We had just started mailing out invitations but have not finished the list yet. I don't need to go into details.... lets just say it is easy to loose site of what God has been doing in our lives. It is so easy to get distracted. So easy to focus on the complaining, so easy to let other peoples (C) (CRAP)!!!! (sometimes it just has to be said) get in the way!
Tonight, I am remembering that today God was with me. He brought joy, comfort, assistance and I above all know that He loves me and I love Him. I know that today, I have done the best I can today. So I am trying very hard to keep that my focus. We all have a choice to see what he has done, and that is what I am planning to do!
So After posting, I had 4 emails to answer, phone calls to return and amazing things happened. One email was from a potential students mother who I happened to go to Pisgah with. We reconnected and enjoyed talking about our children. I am praying for them as they make their decision and I am confident that Jesus was present in our conversation. Then after that conversation I had a call from my friend Amy who was just calling to see how I was doing after the death of Justin and how the school and students were doing. In the process of our conversation she offered to house the girls this weekend so that when my kids come home for the Memorial service they can stay in their beds. It was very kind of her and I was very moved by her kindness and how God led her to call me. It was perfect timing and such a blessing. Then I had two very nice conversations with elementary schools. It was just a very uplifting and encouraging morning. I then packed up, went by the office to accomplish a couple things and drove home. On my drive home I was contemplating how much I had already experienced God! What a blessed full day!
After arriving home, I started the process of planning for the weekend, and next week. As I was working on scheduling and sending out emails, I received an email from Kevin informing me that APCS (the school there at Pisgah) was complaining about some students not having received invitations to Academy Days. We had just started mailing out invitations but have not finished the list yet. I don't need to go into details.... lets just say it is easy to loose site of what God has been doing in our lives. It is so easy to get distracted. So easy to focus on the complaining, so easy to let other peoples (C) (CRAP)!!!! (sometimes it just has to be said) get in the way!
Tonight, I am remembering that today God was with me. He brought joy, comfort, assistance and I above all know that He loves me and I love Him. I know that today, I have done the best I can today. So I am trying very hard to keep that my focus. We all have a choice to see what he has done, and that is what I am planning to do!
Tuesday, crazy crazy
I am officially Old! Yep it is true. I remember my parents and grandparents always talking about how they are so much more productive in the morning. I thought they were crazy....well....I'm there...in oldvill! Yesterday morning posting was easy after trying and trying the night before and finding nothing in my brain. This morning I awoke just before 6 and finished an outline for the sermon my dad and I are going to preach for Alumni Weekend. Quite an accomplishment. It was one of those hanging over my head things.
Sent an email to all the staff about Drama tour. Now posting, then home, to get ready for Drama and work on some plans for Drama tour. Yea! Then back here to pick up students on Friday am. What a week. What a few months it will be.
Tuesday, was literally running from one spot to the next. In the midst of it all a beautiful story.
I prayed yesterday morning that God would show up in my life through experiences since the craziness of life makes it difficult for me to concentrate and delve into the word. I just expressed to God my desire to spend time with him, to have some quiet moments that I know are God filled in the midst of the chaos.
Around 4 in the afternoon my feet were propped on my desk and I was so tired and stressed my mind was freezing up like my computer likes to do sometimes. I couldn't get anything to go. So I sat there frozen. Then in walks Mr. A with a huge smile and he asks if I will do him a huge favor. He needed something very important "over nighted". I agreed, we talked about what service to use and I grabbed my things and ran out the door. All I could think was, perhaps I could also stop and pick up a caffeine drink to help wake me up! As I walked out the door I say Madison. Madison is a wonderful girl whom I love! At some point in the last week I saw her eating lunch alone in front of the church and had wondered how she was. So when I saw her standing outside I asked if she had any plans or if she could run with me to get a drink. She was waiting for a ride home, I offered to take her home after we ran the errand and got a drink. She agreed and we climbed in the car.
The next two hours were spent finding the best way to over night this package, deciding on supper instead of a drink, and having just really meaningful conversation. Let's just say it was a joy filled two hours that nourished my soul, my body, and my heart! It was a blessing for her and a blessing for me. Then as a bonus the place she wanted to eat had Rick's favorite pizza, and I knew with every crazy thing going on for him at the office that perhaps he would like one. So I took him a pizza which later fed, Rick, Beth and Ed Pelto. :) It was such a blessing! It was just really remarkable and totally a God thing that Rick asked me, that Madison was standing outside next to my car, that we had time for dinner, that we found the cheapest and fastest way to get the package where it needed to go, that we were able to feed ourselves and others too!
I experienced God yesterday in the middle of crazy, crazy! It was a terrific example of how if we ask he will answer, it is just who he is. Yet he takes care of us fully! He nourishes us, feeds us, communes with us. Hears us, abides with us. Oh what a God we serve! Oh what a God we love!
So today, I am again asking God to please help me experience Him! Let me see him, know him better! I'm expecting great things!
Sent an email to all the staff about Drama tour. Now posting, then home, to get ready for Drama and work on some plans for Drama tour. Yea! Then back here to pick up students on Friday am. What a week. What a few months it will be.
Tuesday, was literally running from one spot to the next. In the midst of it all a beautiful story.
I prayed yesterday morning that God would show up in my life through experiences since the craziness of life makes it difficult for me to concentrate and delve into the word. I just expressed to God my desire to spend time with him, to have some quiet moments that I know are God filled in the midst of the chaos.
Around 4 in the afternoon my feet were propped on my desk and I was so tired and stressed my mind was freezing up like my computer likes to do sometimes. I couldn't get anything to go. So I sat there frozen. Then in walks Mr. A with a huge smile and he asks if I will do him a huge favor. He needed something very important "over nighted". I agreed, we talked about what service to use and I grabbed my things and ran out the door. All I could think was, perhaps I could also stop and pick up a caffeine drink to help wake me up! As I walked out the door I say Madison. Madison is a wonderful girl whom I love! At some point in the last week I saw her eating lunch alone in front of the church and had wondered how she was. So when I saw her standing outside I asked if she had any plans or if she could run with me to get a drink. She was waiting for a ride home, I offered to take her home after we ran the errand and got a drink. She agreed and we climbed in the car.
The next two hours were spent finding the best way to over night this package, deciding on supper instead of a drink, and having just really meaningful conversation. Let's just say it was a joy filled two hours that nourished my soul, my body, and my heart! It was a blessing for her and a blessing for me. Then as a bonus the place she wanted to eat had Rick's favorite pizza, and I knew with every crazy thing going on for him at the office that perhaps he would like one. So I took him a pizza which later fed, Rick, Beth and Ed Pelto. :) It was such a blessing! It was just really remarkable and totally a God thing that Rick asked me, that Madison was standing outside next to my car, that we had time for dinner, that we found the cheapest and fastest way to get the package where it needed to go, that we were able to feed ourselves and others too!
I experienced God yesterday in the middle of crazy, crazy! It was a terrific example of how if we ask he will answer, it is just who he is. Yet he takes care of us fully! He nourishes us, feeds us, communes with us. Hears us, abides with us. Oh what a God we serve! Oh what a God we love!
So today, I am again asking God to please help me experience Him! Let me see him, know him better! I'm expecting great things!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Monday
Was a good day! Went to Ad Counsel asked permission to do a new program, had lunch with Beth, interviewed students for this summer and then worked until 10:45 on different projects at the office. Then to my grandparents to catch some sleep. Now I am running back to school to get as much work done as possible.
Recently I have been struggling because of the amount of work I have, or the amount of work that still needs to be done. I would like to be caught up so bad. I feel like I am on the down slope of a roller coaster and at the bottom are all the events coming up that I have to be prepared for. The down slope is going by so fast it is crazy. When this happens, when I get this far behind I find myself fighting lots of Crap. For example....
Becca, (my amazing intern for the summer) called this last Friday and we talked about the summer program and she is full of amazing ideas and things she would like to see us do. After I got off the phone with her I was telling Chris all about the amazing ideas she had and I joked that she was going to "kick my butt" this summer. I love her energy, I love her passion and I am so excited to be working with her. This is exactly why I need an intern. I believe interns can bring fresh ideas, and new perspectives, and she is no ordinary intern! I am excited to have Becca!
So it is all good right.... well after the phone call I caught myself fighting (C). (C) where I was suggesting to myself that I should have been doing more all along, I should have come up with more ideas, kept things fresh. Etc. I mentioned something close to that to Chris and he immediately reminded me that it is the strength of having an intern or just two minds working together. Why do I take her brilliance and immediately think it reflects negatively on me. It is (C).
I am so excited to work with her! I know the program will be better. I know she will challenge me, even push me in areas that are often left behind. I know we will be doing things different and better because of her. She is so needed and appreciated!
I am looking forward to spending the summer working with her and NOT letting my personal (C) get in! I want to appreciate her with out devaluing me. I want to celebrate her strengths and my strengths.
So while I am plummeting down this roller coaster fall, I am trying to just hang on, do what I can, accept what I can't, and pray. Pray I do what is needed and let go of what is not. Accept who I am, be thankful for the gifts I have and stop comparing myself. Stop comparing myself, and just be the best I was created to be. Delight in the strengths of others! Delight in the strengths God has given me. Remember there is nothing without Him! After all He delights in me :)
For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” Zephaniah 3:17
Recently I have been struggling because of the amount of work I have, or the amount of work that still needs to be done. I would like to be caught up so bad. I feel like I am on the down slope of a roller coaster and at the bottom are all the events coming up that I have to be prepared for. The down slope is going by so fast it is crazy. When this happens, when I get this far behind I find myself fighting lots of Crap. For example....
Becca, (my amazing intern for the summer) called this last Friday and we talked about the summer program and she is full of amazing ideas and things she would like to see us do. After I got off the phone with her I was telling Chris all about the amazing ideas she had and I joked that she was going to "kick my butt" this summer. I love her energy, I love her passion and I am so excited to be working with her. This is exactly why I need an intern. I believe interns can bring fresh ideas, and new perspectives, and she is no ordinary intern! I am excited to have Becca!
So it is all good right.... well after the phone call I caught myself fighting (C). (C) where I was suggesting to myself that I should have been doing more all along, I should have come up with more ideas, kept things fresh. Etc. I mentioned something close to that to Chris and he immediately reminded me that it is the strength of having an intern or just two minds working together. Why do I take her brilliance and immediately think it reflects negatively on me. It is (C).
I am so excited to work with her! I know the program will be better. I know she will challenge me, even push me in areas that are often left behind. I know we will be doing things different and better because of her. She is so needed and appreciated!
I am looking forward to spending the summer working with her and NOT letting my personal (C) get in! I want to appreciate her with out devaluing me. I want to celebrate her strengths and my strengths.
So while I am plummeting down this roller coaster fall, I am trying to just hang on, do what I can, accept what I can't, and pray. Pray I do what is needed and let go of what is not. Accept who I am, be thankful for the gifts I have and stop comparing myself. Stop comparing myself, and just be the best I was created to be. Delight in the strengths of others! Delight in the strengths God has given me. Remember there is nothing without Him! After all He delights in me :)
For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” Zephaniah 3:17
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Vacation is over... Back to Life
What a weekend we had, filled with sadness and joy. Both exhausting. As we drove home today I was faced with all the things I must get accomplished in the next 3 weeks. It is crazy how much there is to do. I decided I would spend the time driving to work on the two presentations I am doing for the Washington Conference. So I started the process of making an outline.
As I worked on a list of possible ways we carry around (C) I realized a huge concept. I have often heard that to keep people away often woman who are abused as children put on weight. Being overweight gives them a layer of protection. I realized today that for me, putting on weight, eating poorly is one way that I hang on to or carry around (C). It is not just to medicate myself, it also is a way to carry around and cherish (C). In a way the weight validates the lies I have believed, the (C). As we drove and I wrote I kept thinking about it. I kept realizing how much truth was in this new idea. I started thinking about the junk I put in my body. The junk being one of two things (or both,) a drug and or (C). Neither appealing. Just moments later we stopped for gas, bathroom break, and to get a drink, I got bottled water instead of Mountain Dew. I don't think I am going to become a vegan, water only, raw eater anytime soon. I do plan to work on making sure I eat food. Food that will feed my body, promote health and stop eating (C). After all just the thought is repulsive, yet I know so much of what I have eating has been just that.
Tonight I am trying to figure out how to practically stop eating for all the wrong reasons and start eating to live. Start eating to support the truth about who I am and who God desires me to be. One more day of attempting to live MtC brought just a little more clarity!
As I worked on a list of possible ways we carry around (C) I realized a huge concept. I have often heard that to keep people away often woman who are abused as children put on weight. Being overweight gives them a layer of protection. I realized today that for me, putting on weight, eating poorly is one way that I hang on to or carry around (C). It is not just to medicate myself, it also is a way to carry around and cherish (C). In a way the weight validates the lies I have believed, the (C). As we drove and I wrote I kept thinking about it. I kept realizing how much truth was in this new idea. I started thinking about the junk I put in my body. The junk being one of two things (or both,) a drug and or (C). Neither appealing. Just moments later we stopped for gas, bathroom break, and to get a drink, I got bottled water instead of Mountain Dew. I don't think I am going to become a vegan, water only, raw eater anytime soon. I do plan to work on making sure I eat food. Food that will feed my body, promote health and stop eating (C). After all just the thought is repulsive, yet I know so much of what I have eating has been just that.
Tonight I am trying to figure out how to practically stop eating for all the wrong reasons and start eating to live. Start eating to support the truth about who I am and who God desires me to be. One more day of attempting to live MtC brought just a little more clarity!
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Hang on!
So last Thursday I didn't have internet access to post and then Friday night everything fell apart and I just didn't have the strength to do this.
Early Friday evening we got a call from Andrew. Chris answered the phone and immediately I knew something was terribly wrong. Chris kept asking what had happened. After a couple minutes (me holding my breath literally trying to hear everything) Chris said something that let me know it was Justin Hanna.
Justin was a classmate of Andrew and Sarah and he died in a drowning accident of Friday. He was swimming in a rock quarry near Oakwood University where he was attending. His father died a few years ago. So now his mother and his elder brother have another great loss.
Last night I was very worried about Andrew, he was really upset, his phone was dead and he went out with his buddies, a perfect recipe for stressed out mom!
There is no question that the greatest struggle as a mother at this stage in parenting is letting go. Letting go of your children so they can fly. The events of this weekend have made it so much harder. When you know a mother who lost her son and your kids are hurting because of the loss of their friend, you want to be able to fix it and protect them.
All I can say tonight is please hang on to those you love. Hug them and tell them you love them. Hang onto them with love and support. Yet all the while giving our children the freedom to grow up and fly. What a hard balancing act.
I love you Anna, I love you Sarah, and I love you Andrew. Be safe, keep Christ the center of your lives, enjoy life and know I will always cherish you! I love you!
Early Friday evening we got a call from Andrew. Chris answered the phone and immediately I knew something was terribly wrong. Chris kept asking what had happened. After a couple minutes (me holding my breath literally trying to hear everything) Chris said something that let me know it was Justin Hanna.
Justin was a classmate of Andrew and Sarah and he died in a drowning accident of Friday. He was swimming in a rock quarry near Oakwood University where he was attending. His father died a few years ago. So now his mother and his elder brother have another great loss.
Last night I was very worried about Andrew, he was really upset, his phone was dead and he went out with his buddies, a perfect recipe for stressed out mom!
There is no question that the greatest struggle as a mother at this stage in parenting is letting go. Letting go of your children so they can fly. The events of this weekend have made it so much harder. When you know a mother who lost her son and your kids are hurting because of the loss of their friend, you want to be able to fix it and protect them.
All I can say tonight is please hang on to those you love. Hug them and tell them you love them. Hang onto them with love and support. Yet all the while giving our children the freedom to grow up and fly. What a hard balancing act.
I love you Anna, I love you Sarah, and I love you Andrew. Be safe, keep Christ the center of your lives, enjoy life and know I will always cherish you! I love you!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Wed....By faith
There are days when I feel Him. There are days when I hear Him. There are days when I experience Him. Those days are amazing! Those are days when I am strengthened. Those are days when there are no questions, I just know!!!!
Then there are days when He seems to be nowhere. I can't hear Him, feel Him or experience Him. It is as if He has left the building. For whatever reason it has been that way for the last few days. It has been a little quiet.
So in the midst of my funk there were little bright moments, being in the class room with students this morning was wonderful. Spending time with Beth Anderson was a joy! Getting some important things accomplished, a bright spot for sure. Coming back to Charlotte and seeing Pastor Gary (Mr. Stiff Neck :)) and Malia was a bright spot. Coming home with Chris another bright spot, of course! Yet driving home tonight I realized that one of the biggest reason for the funk is the quiet. The quiet that seems to be here. Having experienced amazing life changing moments with Jesus Christ, the quiet moments are deafening.
As it would have it, just this past week someone at church was complaining about the same thing. About experiencing God one week and not the next. I quickly flipped into a speech about how those are the moments to have faith. I then proceeded to share how I like to think of it as sometimes he is upfront leading worship. Sometimes he is front and center and other times he is behind the scenes but He is always working on my behalf. If he is working behind the scenes he is still present in my life, I am just not seeing him, but he is still there. It is easy to wonder what I did wrong when I'm not experiencing him the way I did last week. Yet if he has chosen to work behind the scenes that is not because of something I have done wrong. If Chris is working hard to plan the worship service one week and playing his bass the next, I did nothing wrong on the weeks he is working behind the scenes.
So today as I'm driving home praying and thinking about this funk, I remembered the conversation Sabbath and realized not only why I was down, but what the remedy is.
This is one of those times when I can have faith that he is behind the scenes, working just as hard and just as involved in my life as he was when I ran the half, or while I was at Just Claim it, or all the other times that he has been front and center in my life. This is a time for walking in faith and praising God for his blessings and his presence behind the scenes!
Then there are days when He seems to be nowhere. I can't hear Him, feel Him or experience Him. It is as if He has left the building. For whatever reason it has been that way for the last few days. It has been a little quiet.
So in the midst of my funk there were little bright moments, being in the class room with students this morning was wonderful. Spending time with Beth Anderson was a joy! Getting some important things accomplished, a bright spot for sure. Coming back to Charlotte and seeing Pastor Gary (Mr. Stiff Neck :)) and Malia was a bright spot. Coming home with Chris another bright spot, of course! Yet driving home tonight I realized that one of the biggest reason for the funk is the quiet. The quiet that seems to be here. Having experienced amazing life changing moments with Jesus Christ, the quiet moments are deafening.
As it would have it, just this past week someone at church was complaining about the same thing. About experiencing God one week and not the next. I quickly flipped into a speech about how those are the moments to have faith. I then proceeded to share how I like to think of it as sometimes he is upfront leading worship. Sometimes he is front and center and other times he is behind the scenes but He is always working on my behalf. If he is working behind the scenes he is still present in my life, I am just not seeing him, but he is still there. It is easy to wonder what I did wrong when I'm not experiencing him the way I did last week. Yet if he has chosen to work behind the scenes that is not because of something I have done wrong. If Chris is working hard to plan the worship service one week and playing his bass the next, I did nothing wrong on the weeks he is working behind the scenes.
So today as I'm driving home praying and thinking about this funk, I remembered the conversation Sabbath and realized not only why I was down, but what the remedy is.
This is one of those times when I can have faith that he is behind the scenes, working just as hard and just as involved in my life as he was when I ran the half, or while I was at Just Claim it, or all the other times that he has been front and center in my life. This is a time for walking in faith and praising God for his blessings and his presence behind the scenes!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Monday and Tuesday...
So Monday I didn't post, I wrote, deleted, and rewrote, but I never got anything posted. Bottom line, I was down on Monday. Not sure why, just didn't feel like doing anything, did only what had to be done, took a nap, but frankly was just down. I struggled with depressive feelings, and a desire to crawl under the covers and disappear for a while. I also struggled with wanting to eat anything in the house. I didn't but I wanted to. It was a good thing the pantry and fridge had healthy food that needed to be cooked, because if there had been junk food I would have indulged for sure! I did finally get out of bed, shower and get ready to go out with Chris on our date. Once in the shower I started feeling a little better, when Chris got home, even better, and by the time we were at dinner with Jim and Lucy I was doing great!
I wish I knew why I have these days. They are certainly fewer than before and farther and farther apart. That is the good news. They bad news is I spent most of yesterday trying to identify what was going on, why the blue mood and the only thing I came up with was knowing I had to leave on Tuesday. I kept hearing the Karen Carpenter song in my head, "rainy days and mondays always get me down".
So this morning came, and I was determined to make it a different day. I didn't feel perky or exactly happy but I got up and had my devotions, read several passages that were new and interesting to me. Then washed a counter full of dirty dishes and worked toward getting the kitchen clean while I watched dancing with the stars. :) Then packed up and headed toward Asheville. My attempts at getting Ethiopian food didn't go very well and I spent most of the day preparing for tomorrow. (Tomorrow I am taking Ethiopian food to the sophomore class, one of the students is doing his project on Ethiopia).
So here I am at 12:34 exhausted and still not sure what is going on. Perhaps it is hormonal, who knows. I guess all I am going to do is not pile more (C) on top of myself for feeling down. After all David had days when he was down. I just ask that if there is something I need to know or learn in this state of blaaa that He will show me. I will try to find the joy in those around me, the spring flowering trees, and tomorrow I look forward to heading home to Charlotte, and then on Thursday Chris and I will be getting away for a couple days. That is always a good thing for sure!
I wish I knew why I have these days. They are certainly fewer than before and farther and farther apart. That is the good news. They bad news is I spent most of yesterday trying to identify what was going on, why the blue mood and the only thing I came up with was knowing I had to leave on Tuesday. I kept hearing the Karen Carpenter song in my head, "rainy days and mondays always get me down".
So this morning came, and I was determined to make it a different day. I didn't feel perky or exactly happy but I got up and had my devotions, read several passages that were new and interesting to me. Then washed a counter full of dirty dishes and worked toward getting the kitchen clean while I watched dancing with the stars. :) Then packed up and headed toward Asheville. My attempts at getting Ethiopian food didn't go very well and I spent most of the day preparing for tomorrow. (Tomorrow I am taking Ethiopian food to the sophomore class, one of the students is doing his project on Ethiopia).
So here I am at 12:34 exhausted and still not sure what is going on. Perhaps it is hormonal, who knows. I guess all I am going to do is not pile more (C) on top of myself for feeling down. After all David had days when he was down. I just ask that if there is something I need to know or learn in this state of blaaa that He will show me. I will try to find the joy in those around me, the spring flowering trees, and tomorrow I look forward to heading home to Charlotte, and then on Thursday Chris and I will be getting away for a couple days. That is always a good thing for sure!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Pain no fun
So today has been quite a day. I have been laid up with pain behind my knees and swelling. It is more annoying than anything. Pain is no fun. I may need to get it checked out by a Dr. but had hoped it would clear up over time.
This evening I watched a show on the Oprah network about Lady Gaga and her Born this way foundation. In the story were lots of stories about kids who have been bullied, some who committed suicide and others who are working to make a change. Lady Gaga mentioned being tossed in the garbage by bullies at her school when she was young and how no matter how famous she is or what she has become that it still is with her. She said how at times in the quiet you still wonder if the message they were sending was true.
Hearing her say that reminded me how important this crazy idea is of seeing the abuse and the lies as (C). Somehow seeing it as (C) gives me instant permission to let it go, wash it off. It not only gives me permission but it makes it ludicrous to hang on too. To here her say that she still questions it, that she still carries it with her sounds silly if you believe it to be literal crap!
I have spent way to many years feeling just like Gaga but not any more. Frankly to think as she does gives the lie so much power. It elevates the (C) to something treasured, because it is hung on to or preserved. Hearing the story made me think perhaps this concept could be shared with kids. After all if kids could start seeing it as (C), maybe they could wash it off before carrying it around and cherishing it for years and years.
I guess tonight, I am thankful that my pain was physical and not emotional. Tonight I am so thankful for this journey and contemplating new ways to share it and perhaps a new audience.
This evening I watched a show on the Oprah network about Lady Gaga and her Born this way foundation. In the story were lots of stories about kids who have been bullied, some who committed suicide and others who are working to make a change. Lady Gaga mentioned being tossed in the garbage by bullies at her school when she was young and how no matter how famous she is or what she has become that it still is with her. She said how at times in the quiet you still wonder if the message they were sending was true.
Hearing her say that reminded me how important this crazy idea is of seeing the abuse and the lies as (C). Somehow seeing it as (C) gives me instant permission to let it go, wash it off. It not only gives me permission but it makes it ludicrous to hang on too. To here her say that she still questions it, that she still carries it with her sounds silly if you believe it to be literal crap!
I have spent way to many years feeling just like Gaga but not any more. Frankly to think as she does gives the lie so much power. It elevates the (C) to something treasured, because it is hung on to or preserved. Hearing the story made me think perhaps this concept could be shared with kids. After all if kids could start seeing it as (C), maybe they could wash it off before carrying it around and cherishing it for years and years.
I guess tonight, I am thankful that my pain was physical and not emotional. Tonight I am so thankful for this journey and contemplating new ways to share it and perhaps a new audience.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Laughing!
So as I mentioned last night I had big decisions to make about serving at our church. Chris has also had decisions to make. Today we went to church and then came home to work on making our decisions. We prayed, we worked, we talked. Sometimes we felt like we were going around in circles. At one point I asked Chris what he was thinking and he said yes and I said no. Then later in the day he was thinking no and I was thinking yes. Then tonight we continued the process of trying to discern what God wants for us this next year. Finally this evening we were able to make a decision.
I realized something after this intense and very long day..... Chris and I are down right silly. Yep that is right. We have been dealing with a very serious topic all day, taking it very seriously and yet we have laughed all day. Not at the decision, but at just little silly things that happen. We are always making little comments, saying silly things and laughter follows. In a day that was quite stressful I can honestly say, it was filled with joy!
For much of our marriage I have wished I was more of an elegant woman, more reserved, more prissy. Tonight I decided the childlike silliness that we have contributes to the longevity and quality of our relationship. This day when we were trying to make big decisions could have been stressful and a conflict generating time, and instead we end this day with a decision made and a lot of memories filled with laughter. I like laughing and I laugh more with Chris than anyone else. He laughs at me and I love that too! I feel funny when I'm with him and I am funny with him! The crazy thing is that I have spent way to much time wishing I was something else that would most likely have made our lives less full or less funny :).
Lesson.... perhaps I am willing to let go of the (C)py idea that I would be better if I was more like someone else. I can't begin to describe what a blessing this day was. Chris and I connected in a way that brought so much joy to us both and in a way we have done so many other times, and laughter was at the core of it all! Yes we had intense serious and deep conversations but they were all filled with moments of wonderful stress relieving laughter.
I realized something after this intense and very long day..... Chris and I are down right silly. Yep that is right. We have been dealing with a very serious topic all day, taking it very seriously and yet we have laughed all day. Not at the decision, but at just little silly things that happen. We are always making little comments, saying silly things and laughter follows. In a day that was quite stressful I can honestly say, it was filled with joy!
For much of our marriage I have wished I was more of an elegant woman, more reserved, more prissy. Tonight I decided the childlike silliness that we have contributes to the longevity and quality of our relationship. This day when we were trying to make big decisions could have been stressful and a conflict generating time, and instead we end this day with a decision made and a lot of memories filled with laughter. I like laughing and I laugh more with Chris than anyone else. He laughs at me and I love that too! I feel funny when I'm with him and I am funny with him! The crazy thing is that I have spent way to much time wishing I was something else that would most likely have made our lives less full or less funny :).
Lesson.... perhaps I am willing to let go of the (C)py idea that I would be better if I was more like someone else. I can't begin to describe what a blessing this day was. Chris and I connected in a way that brought so much joy to us both and in a way we have done so many other times, and laughter was at the core of it all! Yes we had intense serious and deep conversations but they were all filled with moments of wonderful stress relieving laughter.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Decisions... 25 weeks
Happy Sabbath All...It has been twenty five weeks since I started this journey.
Decision making is a funny thing. It makes you reevaluate priorities, assess where you are and where you want to go. Today my mind has spent lots of time contemplating a request made to me by nominating committee. I have also spent much of my day thinking about our Pastor. (technically our former pastor, not sure I'm ready to say that yet.)
In someways I feel like I barely know Pastor Gary, yet I am so sad he is no longer our pastor and today as he had surgery I spent lots of time praying for him. When he came to our church I was gone more than there, and yet every time he spoke I would leave church thinking about his sermon, contemplating, digesting new thoughts and ideas. I remember one Sabbath in-particular when I came to church having struggled with a new idea or new concept all week. I was still struggling, then at one point in Pastor Gary's sermon he mentioned "knowing the character of God." It completely answered my struggle. It was such an answer to my prayers. There have been so many times like that since he came to our church. I have never felt more challenged and more interested to listen. Pastor Gary had to make a decision recently about whether or not he could keep being our pastor because of the medical issues he was having. He made, (what I'm sure is the right decision) the decision to focus on his health and is no longer our pastor. I support his decision one hundred percent, but am sad it had to be this way. I know God still has a mighty work for him! I'm sure of it and it will be fun watching how, where and what that is. I prayed today that not only would the surgery go well, but that God would restore him to health.
So what does Pastor Gary have to do with this blog today? Well like I said, I have spent today thinking about this nominating committee request. Questioning if it is God calling me to serve, or if I should say no and let someone else have the opportunity to be asked and to serve. I have been questioning my ability to add another position to my plate. I have enjoyed not holding any office in our church for several years. Perhaps the biggest reason has been that when I come home from work, from traveling, the one area of focus is my family, my home, my husband. It has made coming home a rest, a place of solace. When I come home I don't have another list of things that need to be done. (Well, other than the house work, yard work, spending time connecting with my man :)). I know, I believe that Pastor Gary made the absolute right decision! I also know I hate his decision! However, my feelings make it no less right. I don't want to base my decision on what I want, or what others want, but what God wants for me and for our church. I have to know and believe that he is calling me. I have spent today trying to make sure I am not letting (C) get in the way.
I come from a long line of family that have served, served, and served. Even when it was too much they served. It has at times seemed like some members in my family NEED to be needed. Need to serve, need to believe that they are the answer. If asked, they will serve. Noticed I said "seemed". There is no way for me to know if it was their own (C) that kept them serving or if it was a calling from God. I will say this at times I felt like they chose serving over just being. They chose serving the church over connecting with family. Perhaps that is what they were called to do, I just want to make sure I am not taking on a position to have power, affirmation, or a sense of martyrdom. I don't want to add something else, and fill my life with business. I know I have spent many years being busy so I didn't have to face the (C) in my life. I'm not willing to go back to that! It is days like today that I wish Jesus would just come and sit in the green chair in my living room across from me and we could have a conversation about it and he could tell me what he desires!
Pastor Gary, I pray this surgery works.... no I hope it is a miracle! A miracle that restores you! I look forward to your sermons again some where sometime! Hurry back to Charlotte, so Chris and I can have you and Malia over for food and laughs!
Tonight, I pray that God will give me the strength to bury any (C) (so beautiful flowers will grow), so it will be clear what God is wanting me to do. I am willing, I am happy to serve HIM, but only HIM!!!!
Decision making is a funny thing. It makes you reevaluate priorities, assess where you are and where you want to go. Today my mind has spent lots of time contemplating a request made to me by nominating committee. I have also spent much of my day thinking about our Pastor. (technically our former pastor, not sure I'm ready to say that yet.)
In someways I feel like I barely know Pastor Gary, yet I am so sad he is no longer our pastor and today as he had surgery I spent lots of time praying for him. When he came to our church I was gone more than there, and yet every time he spoke I would leave church thinking about his sermon, contemplating, digesting new thoughts and ideas. I remember one Sabbath in-particular when I came to church having struggled with a new idea or new concept all week. I was still struggling, then at one point in Pastor Gary's sermon he mentioned "knowing the character of God." It completely answered my struggle. It was such an answer to my prayers. There have been so many times like that since he came to our church. I have never felt more challenged and more interested to listen. Pastor Gary had to make a decision recently about whether or not he could keep being our pastor because of the medical issues he was having. He made, (what I'm sure is the right decision) the decision to focus on his health and is no longer our pastor. I support his decision one hundred percent, but am sad it had to be this way. I know God still has a mighty work for him! I'm sure of it and it will be fun watching how, where and what that is. I prayed today that not only would the surgery go well, but that God would restore him to health.
So what does Pastor Gary have to do with this blog today? Well like I said, I have spent today thinking about this nominating committee request. Questioning if it is God calling me to serve, or if I should say no and let someone else have the opportunity to be asked and to serve. I have been questioning my ability to add another position to my plate. I have enjoyed not holding any office in our church for several years. Perhaps the biggest reason has been that when I come home from work, from traveling, the one area of focus is my family, my home, my husband. It has made coming home a rest, a place of solace. When I come home I don't have another list of things that need to be done. (Well, other than the house work, yard work, spending time connecting with my man :)). I know, I believe that Pastor Gary made the absolute right decision! I also know I hate his decision! However, my feelings make it no less right. I don't want to base my decision on what I want, or what others want, but what God wants for me and for our church. I have to know and believe that he is calling me. I have spent today trying to make sure I am not letting (C) get in the way.
I come from a long line of family that have served, served, and served. Even when it was too much they served. It has at times seemed like some members in my family NEED to be needed. Need to serve, need to believe that they are the answer. If asked, they will serve. Noticed I said "seemed". There is no way for me to know if it was their own (C) that kept them serving or if it was a calling from God. I will say this at times I felt like they chose serving over just being. They chose serving the church over connecting with family. Perhaps that is what they were called to do, I just want to make sure I am not taking on a position to have power, affirmation, or a sense of martyrdom. I don't want to add something else, and fill my life with business. I know I have spent many years being busy so I didn't have to face the (C) in my life. I'm not willing to go back to that! It is days like today that I wish Jesus would just come and sit in the green chair in my living room across from me and we could have a conversation about it and he could tell me what he desires!
Pastor Gary, I pray this surgery works.... no I hope it is a miracle! A miracle that restores you! I look forward to your sermons again some where sometime! Hurry back to Charlotte, so Chris and I can have you and Malia over for food and laughs!
Tonight, I pray that God will give me the strength to bury any (C) (so beautiful flowers will grow), so it will be clear what God is wanting me to do. I am willing, I am happy to serve HIM, but only HIM!!!!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
I don't want to blog!
There are nights like tonight when blogging is nothing but a chore. For the most part I enjoy blogging each night....but then there are days like today. Days like today lead into nights like tonight. Nights when all I want to do is go to bed, I don't want to think. I don't want to contemplate anything at all much less (C).. LOL!
Today was just a crazy day where I didn't have time to do anything except run from one moment to the next. One of those days when I didn't have time to eat, I didn't have time to use the bathroom, I didn't have time to breath. Today didn't lend itself to contemplation. As I drove home I tried thinking about my day, I tried thinking about what I had been feeling or thinking deeper than trying to get through it. At first blush I told myself, being busy made it impossible to think Crap.... so my day was (C) free. However, I finally came to the conclusion that being terribly busy just masks the (C). It is like those fabreez commercials where they have people in a terrible room and ask them what they smell. It may not seem like they are sitting on a disgustingly dirty bed, but they are. So I will try to take off my blind fold and think back on my day.
This time of year is never easy. Our school is in direct competition with Fletcher and everyone is always comparing what we do with what they are doing. We look at numbers, at promotional materials, test scores, classes offered, at gimmicks, we compare our campuses. I don't think we should compare, I don't like to compare, and I try to keep the focus on doing what we have been called to do. I strongly believe that our best, combined with Jesus is enough. If He wants our school to be here, if there is a mission for us, then if we just do what we are supposed to do, if we just do the best we can do we will be fine. He will take care of the numbers.
So here is the (C) I dealt with all day. Several things came up highlighting the competition today, and each time, what I hear is, "so what are you doing" or "we haven't done enough". Sometimes it was directly said, and other times it was implied and most of the time it wasn't implied or intended for me to hear that but I did anyway. I know Pisgah does a wonderful job. A wonderful job at educating and sharing Christ. Not perfect, but I am very proud of what we do. I also think we are doing great things that help to market and promote our school, but today, as I didn't even have the time to breath, all I kept hearing was how I'm not doing enough. (C)!
I can't compare myself and my body to those around me, I'm not supposed to!!!! I can't compare myself because I have enough work just to keep my eyes on Christ, to keep walking the journey he wants me to walk. Today, I am going to let go of the (C) that says I am not enough, and the (C) that says I need to compare what I do or don't do to what others do or don't do. I am not saying what I do is perfect for Pisgah or that it is even close to enough. In fact they may want someone different at some point who will play the game or who will do more, or do different, and that will be fine!!!!! But, I need to simply keep my focus on doing the best I can do, doing today what I need to do and not compare. Not let the (C) of comparison in!
Tonight I am also reminded that for much of my life I have let being busy put a blind fold on that keeps me from facing and dealing with the (C). So though I don't want to blog, I am thankful to be forcing myself to take off the blind fold and face the reality. Opening my eyes even on busy days is a good thing!
Today was just a crazy day where I didn't have time to do anything except run from one moment to the next. One of those days when I didn't have time to eat, I didn't have time to use the bathroom, I didn't have time to breath. Today didn't lend itself to contemplation. As I drove home I tried thinking about my day, I tried thinking about what I had been feeling or thinking deeper than trying to get through it. At first blush I told myself, being busy made it impossible to think Crap.... so my day was (C) free. However, I finally came to the conclusion that being terribly busy just masks the (C). It is like those fabreez commercials where they have people in a terrible room and ask them what they smell. It may not seem like they are sitting on a disgustingly dirty bed, but they are. So I will try to take off my blind fold and think back on my day.
This time of year is never easy. Our school is in direct competition with Fletcher and everyone is always comparing what we do with what they are doing. We look at numbers, at promotional materials, test scores, classes offered, at gimmicks, we compare our campuses. I don't think we should compare, I don't like to compare, and I try to keep the focus on doing what we have been called to do. I strongly believe that our best, combined with Jesus is enough. If He wants our school to be here, if there is a mission for us, then if we just do what we are supposed to do, if we just do the best we can do we will be fine. He will take care of the numbers.
So here is the (C) I dealt with all day. Several things came up highlighting the competition today, and each time, what I hear is, "so what are you doing" or "we haven't done enough". Sometimes it was directly said, and other times it was implied and most of the time it wasn't implied or intended for me to hear that but I did anyway. I know Pisgah does a wonderful job. A wonderful job at educating and sharing Christ. Not perfect, but I am very proud of what we do. I also think we are doing great things that help to market and promote our school, but today, as I didn't even have the time to breath, all I kept hearing was how I'm not doing enough. (C)!
I can't compare myself and my body to those around me, I'm not supposed to!!!! I can't compare myself because I have enough work just to keep my eyes on Christ, to keep walking the journey he wants me to walk. Today, I am going to let go of the (C) that says I am not enough, and the (C) that says I need to compare what I do or don't do to what others do or don't do. I am not saying what I do is perfect for Pisgah or that it is even close to enough. In fact they may want someone different at some point who will play the game or who will do more, or do different, and that will be fine!!!!! But, I need to simply keep my focus on doing the best I can do, doing today what I need to do and not compare. Not let the (C) of comparison in!
Tonight I am also reminded that for much of my life I have let being busy put a blind fold on that keeps me from facing and dealing with the (C). So though I don't want to blog, I am thankful to be forcing myself to take off the blind fold and face the reality. Opening my eyes even on busy days is a good thing!
What a day with highs and lows....
Well as you already know this day started off with me posting for last night and realizing my short comings as a mom. Frankly it has given me more drive to keep walking down this path.
After heading out the door to work, I started trying to get some things done that required me figuring out how to better use indesign, (a program used for design work). I spent most of the morning listening to tutorials on Youtube trying to get it figured out. Then the new conference president came into my office and we chatted about my summer recruiting program. That was fun, it was nice getting to know him and nice having a break. Then back to work on this project until I went to lunch with the Andersons. That was fun, we always have a great time, laughing and it was certainly a bright spot. We went to Jason's Deli and I choose a mushroom spinach rap with fresh fruit instead of chips. A good healthy lunch! Then back to work where I finally found the right tutorial to help me accomplish what I needed to accomplish. My file that was simply an experiment was turning into the project I needed done, I was flying along on page 18 of 26 when all of a sudden I had a warning sign pop up that said I had lost connection with the server and could no longer work on the file....
I freaked knowing that I had not saved this project.... now I know I need to save things you work on.... I just had been playing around so had not thought about saving it....who knew my playing around would turn into the actual project..... that is now lost and I would have to start over. In desperation I called the computer guy to see if there was anything I could do, He suggested I learn how to save things as I work on them.... (not exactly what I needed to hear) and then said, "Oh, I was working on a computer and needed to reboot it.... I forgot it had that drive on it, OOPs, Sorry." I just hung up the phone.... I was mad, sad, frustrated etc. I shut down my computer and left. I need to make a bank deposit so I used the opportunity to head to town. I then went and picked up an external hard drive so that I could take these huge projects home.
After leaving Staples with my purchase I was craving sugary, Krispy Kreme Doughnuts! I needed a dozen hot n now doughnuts so bad!!!! I knew it was a drug, I knew why I craved it! I knew it all. I prayed. I prayed. I frankly was pleading my case with God, Seriously I was saying things like, "surly my day has been bad enough to warrant KKD. I felt justified in my desire to medicate with food! I finally decided that if I felt justified to medicate with food, I would at least medicate with the best food possible. Instead of medicate perhaps really feed my body. Feed my brain good quality, healthy food. Maybe that would help. After all it was almost dinner time. Then I remembered that one of my favorite restaurants in Asheville was just a couple blocks down the road. It is a totally vegan restaurant that is amazing! The food is delicious and beautiful, healthy, with fresh locally grown food. I had decided. I drove to the Plant and then past it by because no one was there. I guessed it wasn't open. I turned around and as I approached it the second time I saw a person inside so decided to stop. I walked into this restaurant where I was the only person. I could pick any table... talk about highlighting my aloneness....
Lets just say the food was ridiculously good, the service was great, I loved it! I had dessert and everything and it was just beautifully satisfying. So much better than if I had eaten a dozen KKD! (Don't think I'm exaggerating, I've done it before.... only once, but I have!) After my amazing dinner I was feeling better! So thankful I had chosen healthy over KKD! So thankful I had agreed to feed my body instead of medicating it!
I left and headed back, feeling strong enough to face my project and see if I couldn't make some head way on it. I got in the office, booted up my computer, opened indesign and up came my project! Not the whole thing but at least some of it and enough that the formatting was at least there. I was so thanking God. Thanking him for whatever it was that took place so I could find part of my project. What a huge blessing. In two hours I redid everything that had been lost.
I then headed up to the girls dorm to share my half marathon story. It is always fun to go and meet with the girls. I love them!
So tonight I am disappointed at how upset I was over the loss of my work. I am disappointed that I wanted to medicate with KKD so badly, but soooooo thankful I didn't. SOOOOO thankful for the PLANT, and it's delicious healthy food that fed my body. Thankful that though I certainly thought about a lot of (C), I washed it off and continued on. Sooooo thankful I was able to recover some of my work and get back to feeling accomplished. Soooo thankful that I am going to bed hungry tonight instead of feeling stuffed!!!!
Living minus the (C) is a blessing today and I'm one step, one day closer to being a healthier person overall!
After heading out the door to work, I started trying to get some things done that required me figuring out how to better use indesign, (a program used for design work). I spent most of the morning listening to tutorials on Youtube trying to get it figured out. Then the new conference president came into my office and we chatted about my summer recruiting program. That was fun, it was nice getting to know him and nice having a break. Then back to work on this project until I went to lunch with the Andersons. That was fun, we always have a great time, laughing and it was certainly a bright spot. We went to Jason's Deli and I choose a mushroom spinach rap with fresh fruit instead of chips. A good healthy lunch! Then back to work where I finally found the right tutorial to help me accomplish what I needed to accomplish. My file that was simply an experiment was turning into the project I needed done, I was flying along on page 18 of 26 when all of a sudden I had a warning sign pop up that said I had lost connection with the server and could no longer work on the file....
I freaked knowing that I had not saved this project.... now I know I need to save things you work on.... I just had been playing around so had not thought about saving it....who knew my playing around would turn into the actual project..... that is now lost and I would have to start over. In desperation I called the computer guy to see if there was anything I could do, He suggested I learn how to save things as I work on them.... (not exactly what I needed to hear) and then said, "Oh, I was working on a computer and needed to reboot it.... I forgot it had that drive on it, OOPs, Sorry." I just hung up the phone.... I was mad, sad, frustrated etc. I shut down my computer and left. I need to make a bank deposit so I used the opportunity to head to town. I then went and picked up an external hard drive so that I could take these huge projects home.
After leaving Staples with my purchase I was craving sugary, Krispy Kreme Doughnuts! I needed a dozen hot n now doughnuts so bad!!!! I knew it was a drug, I knew why I craved it! I knew it all. I prayed. I prayed. I frankly was pleading my case with God, Seriously I was saying things like, "surly my day has been bad enough to warrant KKD. I felt justified in my desire to medicate with food! I finally decided that if I felt justified to medicate with food, I would at least medicate with the best food possible. Instead of medicate perhaps really feed my body. Feed my brain good quality, healthy food. Maybe that would help. After all it was almost dinner time. Then I remembered that one of my favorite restaurants in Asheville was just a couple blocks down the road. It is a totally vegan restaurant that is amazing! The food is delicious and beautiful, healthy, with fresh locally grown food. I had decided. I drove to the Plant and then past it by because no one was there. I guessed it wasn't open. I turned around and as I approached it the second time I saw a person inside so decided to stop. I walked into this restaurant where I was the only person. I could pick any table... talk about highlighting my aloneness....
Lets just say the food was ridiculously good, the service was great, I loved it! I had dessert and everything and it was just beautifully satisfying. So much better than if I had eaten a dozen KKD! (Don't think I'm exaggerating, I've done it before.... only once, but I have!) After my amazing dinner I was feeling better! So thankful I had chosen healthy over KKD! So thankful I had agreed to feed my body instead of medicating it!
I left and headed back, feeling strong enough to face my project and see if I couldn't make some head way on it. I got in the office, booted up my computer, opened indesign and up came my project! Not the whole thing but at least some of it and enough that the formatting was at least there. I was so thanking God. Thanking him for whatever it was that took place so I could find part of my project. What a huge blessing. In two hours I redid everything that had been lost.
I then headed up to the girls dorm to share my half marathon story. It is always fun to go and meet with the girls. I love them!
So tonight I am disappointed at how upset I was over the loss of my work. I am disappointed that I wanted to medicate with KKD so badly, but soooooo thankful I didn't. SOOOOO thankful for the PLANT, and it's delicious healthy food that fed my body. Thankful that though I certainly thought about a lot of (C), I washed it off and continued on. Sooooo thankful I was able to recover some of my work and get back to feeling accomplished. Soooo thankful that I am going to bed hungry tonight instead of feeling stuffed!!!!
Living minus the (C) is a blessing today and I'm one step, one day closer to being a healthier person overall!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Tired
I am going to keep this very short. I fell asleep a while ago and just woke up realizing I never blogged. This time change has been hard on me. I am just so tired!!!!
Today I drove back to Pisgah. I hated the idea of leaving but while teaching Drama this evening, I was praising God for the students and for my job!!!!! They are so worth the hassle.
Today has been about.....
It is morning and I never finished last nights post. I just felt like I had nothing, nothing at all. This morning while I listen to the birds sing, I realize how much there was to say, so much I should have written about and didn't. I was just in a fog and my mind was filled with insignificant things. So here is the real deal.
Yesterday driving up here to Pisgah I had a conversation with Anna. In the course of that conversation I got upset. I was frustrated by somethings she was not doing and I lost my cool. I didn't handle the situation in a good way, I was far from Christ filled. Sure I can justify my feelings, I can justify even what I said, I could even say it needed to be said. I can say that there was nothing wrong in a little tough love...etc.... However, seriously it all means nothing, it was all wrong to say and do because of my heart!
We often get to wrapped up in our children. What I mean by that is I have too often let my insecurities, my short comings drive me to squish those things out of my children. I need them to be better so I feel better! I need them to succeed so I feel better about my life. I realize how stupid that sounds but that is honestly what happens. Yesterday, when I got upset at Anna it had everything to do with the fact that I am so far behind in things, have so much that needs to get done. So when she told me of some things she had not gotten done, some deadlines she had missed, I flipped. I had to let her have it..... so she wouldn't be like me.
Chris a couple days ago sent the family an email asking us to do something with him. He wants us to each read two specific passages of scripture each day and pray specifically for each other. Honestly I didn't see the email until this morning and I felt terrible about that.... then I did what he asked, I read the passages and immediately realized what had happened yesterday. Yesterday, my interaction had nothing to do with Anna and everything to do with my heart not being where it needed to be....with Jesus! In that moment, I was not loving Anna, but trying to make her be better so I would be better! What ridiculous (C) that is!
Anna I'm sorry!!!!!! Chris I'm sorry!!!! I love you both and today am praying for our family! Today I am going to continue to set aside my own crap so that I can better love you all!
Today I drove back to Pisgah. I hated the idea of leaving but while teaching Drama this evening, I was praising God for the students and for my job!!!!! They are so worth the hassle.
Today has been about.....
It is morning and I never finished last nights post. I just felt like I had nothing, nothing at all. This morning while I listen to the birds sing, I realize how much there was to say, so much I should have written about and didn't. I was just in a fog and my mind was filled with insignificant things. So here is the real deal.
Yesterday driving up here to Pisgah I had a conversation with Anna. In the course of that conversation I got upset. I was frustrated by somethings she was not doing and I lost my cool. I didn't handle the situation in a good way, I was far from Christ filled. Sure I can justify my feelings, I can justify even what I said, I could even say it needed to be said. I can say that there was nothing wrong in a little tough love...etc.... However, seriously it all means nothing, it was all wrong to say and do because of my heart!
We often get to wrapped up in our children. What I mean by that is I have too often let my insecurities, my short comings drive me to squish those things out of my children. I need them to be better so I feel better! I need them to succeed so I feel better about my life. I realize how stupid that sounds but that is honestly what happens. Yesterday, when I got upset at Anna it had everything to do with the fact that I am so far behind in things, have so much that needs to get done. So when she told me of some things she had not gotten done, some deadlines she had missed, I flipped. I had to let her have it..... so she wouldn't be like me.
Chris a couple days ago sent the family an email asking us to do something with him. He wants us to each read two specific passages of scripture each day and pray specifically for each other. Honestly I didn't see the email until this morning and I felt terrible about that.... then I did what he asked, I read the passages and immediately realized what had happened yesterday. Yesterday, my interaction had nothing to do with Anna and everything to do with my heart not being where it needed to be....with Jesus! In that moment, I was not loving Anna, but trying to make her be better so I would be better! What ridiculous (C) that is!
Anna I'm sorry!!!!!! Chris I'm sorry!!!! I love you both and today am praying for our family! Today I am going to continue to set aside my own crap so that I can better love you all!
Monday, March 12, 2012
Fighting for contentment.... part 2
So today is a part two because I simply tried to do what I mentioned last night. I woke up this morning had worship and then worked on titles for Seattle. Finished the titles, finding scriptures etc and then made myself a healthy breakfast. After breakfast I worked to get other work items done. Etc. It was a productive day and now I am waiting for my husband to get home and we are going to have a date night!
While working on my sermon titles this morning and having worship I was reminded of how far I have come this year. I guess I feel like I am at about mile 7, and the finish line seems so far away. (Not that this is ever finished... lol) I was reminded that spending time with Jesus today, and taking one step at a time is all I need to do right now. So a healthy breakfast and lunch, time with Jesus, getting work accomplished is enough. I am going to set it all aside and enjoy my man. I am going to think about nothing but what is right in front of me. I am going to continue to focus on being content by praising God for the life I have been blessed with.
While working on my sermon titles this morning and having worship I was reminded of how far I have come this year. I guess I feel like I am at about mile 7, and the finish line seems so far away. (Not that this is ever finished... lol) I was reminded that spending time with Jesus today, and taking one step at a time is all I need to do right now. So a healthy breakfast and lunch, time with Jesus, getting work accomplished is enough. I am going to set it all aside and enjoy my man. I am going to think about nothing but what is right in front of me. I am going to continue to focus on being content by praising God for the life I have been blessed with.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Fighting for Contentment
Today has been for the most part a joy! I am home from a wonderful high weekend. A spirit filled amazing experience at JCI. There is nothing better than seeing the holy spirit work at work in so many lives. It was an amazing full weekend. However, there is nothing better than coming home! Coming home to my husband, being able to see my daughter for a few minutes, sitting by the fire, relaxing... it is all so good.
As I said for the most part it has been a joy filled day; however I have struggled with wanting to be farther along than I am... I know I just experienced on my run in a powerful way the importance of not looking behind or ahead, but just taking it one step at a time. I know it, I have experienced it, but today i have struggled with wishing I was farther along than I am. Farther along in my planning for the 3 separate sermons I have coming up. Farther along in my work for Pisgah. Farther along in my desire to get healthy, loose weight. I have fantasized about being smaller for my 25th reunion in April, but the fantasy has not translated to doing anything about it.
I talk to students all the time about not wishing they were something else but just living today as God would have them live and they will end up exactly where he wants them. I believe it and I know it, but today I have had a hard time living it.
Tonight, I am so happy to be going to bed in my own bed with my man! Tonight I am happy all three of my children made it safely back to school! Tonight I am thrilled to belong to Jesus! Tonight, I am going to surrender my desires to be farther along, and wake up tomorrow with a willingness to surrender it ALL to him!!!!! To do just as He wants me to, to work on just what He would have me work on, eat just as He would have me eat, and focus only on tomorrow. Tonight, I going to focus on taking life one step at a time!
As I said for the most part it has been a joy filled day; however I have struggled with wanting to be farther along than I am... I know I just experienced on my run in a powerful way the importance of not looking behind or ahead, but just taking it one step at a time. I know it, I have experienced it, but today i have struggled with wishing I was farther along than I am. Farther along in my planning for the 3 separate sermons I have coming up. Farther along in my work for Pisgah. Farther along in my desire to get healthy, loose weight. I have fantasized about being smaller for my 25th reunion in April, but the fantasy has not translated to doing anything about it.
I talk to students all the time about not wishing they were something else but just living today as God would have them live and they will end up exactly where he wants them. I believe it and I know it, but today I have had a hard time living it.
Tonight, I am so happy to be going to bed in my own bed with my man! Tonight I am happy all three of my children made it safely back to school! Tonight I am thrilled to belong to Jesus! Tonight, I am going to surrender my desires to be farther along, and wake up tomorrow with a willingness to surrender it ALL to him!!!!! To do just as He wants me to, to work on just what He would have me work on, eat just as He would have me eat, and focus only on tomorrow. Tonight, I going to focus on taking life one step at a time!
Free to be....
This has been such a full day. I have been so blessed today, that it seems like it has been several days long. Today I watched students commit their lives to God! Today there were baptisms, today we were all challenged, today I felt, today I thought, today I prayed, today I recommitted my life to Jesus, today I prayed, to day was ridiculous!!!!!
With so many blessings it is hard to find anything that wasn't, any struggle, because I am just so full! However, there were several moments I identified as (C) getting in the way. (C) causing a struggle where there didn't need to be a struggle.
Over the past several days there have been calls. Calls made by the preachers, calls made to the young, the old, and each one made in very different ways. We were asked to stand to sing, told to stand if we like, sit if we prefer, etc. Just worshiping in a group of people brings up (C) better known as insecurities, that get in the way of me hearing and listening to the holy spirit.
It was technically yesterday, or last night as I was falling asleep that I realized the (C) had held me back from worshiping in a way I had hoped to. So today, when the (C) started to creep in I washed it off and tried to freely worship. First I stood to sing when no one was standing. It was a song that was lively and I yearned to stand, so I did. Next thing you know they are asking from the front that all stand.... Then the biggy... a call from the minister.
He made a call in a very different way talking specifically to the old- or the grown up adults. He spoke to us about being willing to admit to the youth that we have struggled with stuff, and then also be willing to testify that we have had victory. If we were willing to come forward. I knew I 100% agreed with what he was saying and was willing and wanting to publicly say it! So, I just stood and walked up. It is so simply yet so many times in my life, over and over again, I have sat through calls, or sat when others were sitting, even if I wanted to be standing. I have seen others get up and thought, "well no that they went first if I go it will look like I'm copying them." Sound silly, YES IT IS!!!!
There is no question the Lord can bless me sitting down. There is no question! I am so happy to be taking steps to be FREE to BE exactly who he wants me to be, sitting or standing, accepting calls or praying in my seat for those who are.
Today, I let go of (C) and was able to accept a call, to step forward, and proclaim the victory in my life because of Jesus Christ! Today when the minister asked us to raise our hands during the prayer, I raised them and I mean fully raised them! Not the little wings by your side kind of raising your hands, but full above my head raised my hands. I cried. I cried because it was amazing to raise my hands and be consumed with thoughts of the loving Savior I was surrendering to and not thoughts of what I must look like, or what others must be thinking of me. Full surrender. Fully committing my all to Jesus, those were my thoughts and rightly so!
With so many blessings it is hard to find anything that wasn't, any struggle, because I am just so full! However, there were several moments I identified as (C) getting in the way. (C) causing a struggle where there didn't need to be a struggle.
Over the past several days there have been calls. Calls made by the preachers, calls made to the young, the old, and each one made in very different ways. We were asked to stand to sing, told to stand if we like, sit if we prefer, etc. Just worshiping in a group of people brings up (C) better known as insecurities, that get in the way of me hearing and listening to the holy spirit.
It was technically yesterday, or last night as I was falling asleep that I realized the (C) had held me back from worshiping in a way I had hoped to. So today, when the (C) started to creep in I washed it off and tried to freely worship. First I stood to sing when no one was standing. It was a song that was lively and I yearned to stand, so I did. Next thing you know they are asking from the front that all stand.... Then the biggy... a call from the minister.
He made a call in a very different way talking specifically to the old- or the grown up adults. He spoke to us about being willing to admit to the youth that we have struggled with stuff, and then also be willing to testify that we have had victory. If we were willing to come forward. I knew I 100% agreed with what he was saying and was willing and wanting to publicly say it! So, I just stood and walked up. It is so simply yet so many times in my life, over and over again, I have sat through calls, or sat when others were sitting, even if I wanted to be standing. I have seen others get up and thought, "well no that they went first if I go it will look like I'm copying them." Sound silly, YES IT IS!!!!
There is no question the Lord can bless me sitting down. There is no question! I am so happy to be taking steps to be FREE to BE exactly who he wants me to be, sitting or standing, accepting calls or praying in my seat for those who are.
Today, I let go of (C) and was able to accept a call, to step forward, and proclaim the victory in my life because of Jesus Christ! Today when the minister asked us to raise our hands during the prayer, I raised them and I mean fully raised them! Not the little wings by your side kind of raising your hands, but full above my head raised my hands. I cried. I cried because it was amazing to raise my hands and be consumed with thoughts of the loving Savior I was surrendering to and not thoughts of what I must look like, or what others must be thinking of me. Full surrender. Fully committing my all to Jesus, those were my thoughts and rightly so!
Friday, March 9, 2012
Before we even know....
Tonight as we entered the Ballroom there were girls at the door passing out modeling clay. They were all different colors and even different size pieces. I took my piece of clay and headed up front to our seat.
The music was amazing! I danced... to the music... I didn't raise my hands but thought about it :)....but I did dance in praise to my God! (I feel like the slogan would be appropriate here.... "You've come a long way baby") I DANCED!!!!! :) Thank you Rick Anderson Jr, Becca Anderson, Lucas Tanaka, McKennan Cook, and the others for providing such a beautiful opportunity for me to dance for Jesus :) It was a good night!!!! (And that was just the beginning).
I have started Tweeting so I tweeted, and watched the tweets during the rest of the preliminaries and even as the sermon began. I was also playing with my clay. I kept thinking, I needed to choose one or the other because my fingers were getting sticky and it would get on my phone. Playing with the clay was like doodling in 3D. It made it easier for me to listen. I loved it! I made a cylinder, then joined the ends and made a doughnut, then I smashed it and it became a washer (flat smashed doughnut), then I started to fold it in half and decided to leave it part way open and realized it looked like lips. So I started molding it and turned it into lips.
Then back to my phone to tweet something I heard, then back to work on my lips. I thought how strange that I was focused on lips. Why? I decided it was because it was almost realistic and I was enjoying feeling like a sculptor.... All this going on as I was listening to the speaker, Tara VinCross Senior Pastor, Chestnut Hill SDA Church & REACH Philadelphia, as she beautifully described how much Jesus loves us.
Then she spoke of how much Jesus wants to mold us, transform us, she encouraged us to pick up our clay and play with it as she talked about the clay having no control as we mold it..... I went back to forming those lips.......
Here is the kicker... she then called us to quietly, prayerfully listen to God, listen to what he is wanting us to use for him..... He chose us first.... He is wanting to use you.... etc. We were to take our clay and make what he was calling us to use... (or that is what I heard). I started to smash the lips to start the assignment....
I stopped and looked at the slightly smashed lips I had been working on for sometime.... could it be?... I prayed.... but I was just playing around..... I was just doodling.... now it is time to listen to Jesus....so I didn't crush it but prayed and listened.... Lips :)
One of those moments when you know He was leading you all along! So tonight I surrendered my lips to him!
Gold there is, and rubies in abundance, but lips that speak knowledge are a rare jewel. Proverbs 20:15
The music was amazing! I danced... to the music... I didn't raise my hands but thought about it :)....but I did dance in praise to my God! (I feel like the slogan would be appropriate here.... "You've come a long way baby") I DANCED!!!!! :) Thank you Rick Anderson Jr, Becca Anderson, Lucas Tanaka, McKennan Cook, and the others for providing such a beautiful opportunity for me to dance for Jesus :) It was a good night!!!! (And that was just the beginning).
I have started Tweeting so I tweeted, and watched the tweets during the rest of the preliminaries and even as the sermon began. I was also playing with my clay. I kept thinking, I needed to choose one or the other because my fingers were getting sticky and it would get on my phone. Playing with the clay was like doodling in 3D. It made it easier for me to listen. I loved it! I made a cylinder, then joined the ends and made a doughnut, then I smashed it and it became a washer (flat smashed doughnut), then I started to fold it in half and decided to leave it part way open and realized it looked like lips. So I started molding it and turned it into lips.
Then back to my phone to tweet something I heard, then back to work on my lips. I thought how strange that I was focused on lips. Why? I decided it was because it was almost realistic and I was enjoying feeling like a sculptor.... All this going on as I was listening to the speaker, Tara VinCross Senior Pastor, Chestnut Hill SDA Church & REACH Philadelphia, as she beautifully described how much Jesus loves us.
Then she spoke of how much Jesus wants to mold us, transform us, she encouraged us to pick up our clay and play with it as she talked about the clay having no control as we mold it..... I went back to forming those lips.......
Here is the kicker... she then called us to quietly, prayerfully listen to God, listen to what he is wanting us to use for him..... He chose us first.... He is wanting to use you.... etc. We were to take our clay and make what he was calling us to use... (or that is what I heard). I started to smash the lips to start the assignment....
I stopped and looked at the slightly smashed lips I had been working on for sometime.... could it be?... I prayed.... but I was just playing around..... I was just doodling.... now it is time to listen to Jesus....so I didn't crush it but prayed and listened.... Lips :)
One of those moments when you know He was leading you all along! So tonight I surrendered my lips to him!
Gold there is, and rubies in abundance, but lips that speak knowledge are a rare jewel. Proverbs 20:15
Just Claim It.....
So I am in Greensboro NC at the Just Claim It 3, Youth Congress. I am here with Mount Pisgah Academy, to welcome the youth to the Carolina Conference. It has been an exhausting couple days. My legs, low back and feet are just in constant pain from being on them all day. Tonight I was feeling like I had just run a half Marathon... LOL....not really but almost. We have been running, or manning a booth just as you come in the front door of the hotel. It is a welcome/information center/ MPA booth wrapped up into one!
I am so thrilled we have the opportunity and proud of how our students are doing. We have 12 or so students here that are helping out with the booth and helping in any other way they can. Nothing quite as rewarding as serving others. Seriously, when we have the opportunity to help, even if it is just helping someone find a room, or helping them carry something, it is rewarding. It has been a day full of amazing experiences.
An added benefit has been the amazing music in the morning and again in the evening. I love listening to Becca Anderson sing and praise God. Tonight she sang Wonderful Merciful Savior and I couldn't even sing, I just stood and soaked it all in! (Love you Becca).
Tonight before the prayer we were asked to use a permanent marker and write something we were struggling with on the bottom of our shoe. I sat there beside my son, and tried to think what I was struggling with. After all living Minus the Crap has made me an expert at identifying the things I struggle with.... Nothing came to mind. I started to write Aloneness, I miss Chris and found out today he won't be coming up for the weekend. I understand why and fully support what he is doing, I wouldn't have it any other way considering....however I do miss him. But just as I started to write it, I looked at Andrew and thought.... I'm NOT alone. I'm sitting beside friends on one side and my son on the other. I'm not alone.
Then I though perhaps it is feeling like a little girl and not a woman..... NOPE.... put me in a room full of youth and guess what I don't feel like a girl :). As I went down the list of stuff I have struggled with, they didn't fit tonight. Then the question, what is up, why not tonight. Has it just been a good day, is that it.
We were asked to stand up and stomp our feet at the same time. Then she had prayer... After the prayer was long over and my shoe was still free of words I found it...Tonight I am struggling with exhaustion. Exhaustion from several days of long hours, constantly being on, and so much more. I realized my challenges were all rapped around exhaustion. I too tired to read, (ok maybe that is not a good example... I never like to read), too tired to do anything meaningful. So I decided I am going to write Tired on my shoe. I know I need to be more temperate.
Tonight instead of stomping on my shoe, I am going to go to sleep and sleep in a little in the morning. I am going to find the time to sit down, even lay down and rest tomorrow.
Tonight I am praising God for being ministered to through music! Tonight I am praising God I am not alone! Tonight I am praising Jesus!!!!!!!!
I am so thrilled we have the opportunity and proud of how our students are doing. We have 12 or so students here that are helping out with the booth and helping in any other way they can. Nothing quite as rewarding as serving others. Seriously, when we have the opportunity to help, even if it is just helping someone find a room, or helping them carry something, it is rewarding. It has been a day full of amazing experiences.
An added benefit has been the amazing music in the morning and again in the evening. I love listening to Becca Anderson sing and praise God. Tonight she sang Wonderful Merciful Savior and I couldn't even sing, I just stood and soaked it all in! (Love you Becca).
Tonight before the prayer we were asked to use a permanent marker and write something we were struggling with on the bottom of our shoe. I sat there beside my son, and tried to think what I was struggling with. After all living Minus the Crap has made me an expert at identifying the things I struggle with.... Nothing came to mind. I started to write Aloneness, I miss Chris and found out today he won't be coming up for the weekend. I understand why and fully support what he is doing, I wouldn't have it any other way considering....however I do miss him. But just as I started to write it, I looked at Andrew and thought.... I'm NOT alone. I'm sitting beside friends on one side and my son on the other. I'm not alone.
Then I though perhaps it is feeling like a little girl and not a woman..... NOPE.... put me in a room full of youth and guess what I don't feel like a girl :). As I went down the list of stuff I have struggled with, they didn't fit tonight. Then the question, what is up, why not tonight. Has it just been a good day, is that it.
We were asked to stand up and stomp our feet at the same time. Then she had prayer... After the prayer was long over and my shoe was still free of words I found it...Tonight I am struggling with exhaustion. Exhaustion from several days of long hours, constantly being on, and so much more. I realized my challenges were all rapped around exhaustion. I too tired to read, (ok maybe that is not a good example... I never like to read), too tired to do anything meaningful. So I decided I am going to write Tired on my shoe. I know I need to be more temperate.
Tonight instead of stomping on my shoe, I am going to go to sleep and sleep in a little in the morning. I am going to find the time to sit down, even lay down and rest tomorrow.
Tonight I am praising God for being ministered to through music! Tonight I am praising God I am not alone! Tonight I am praising Jesus!!!!!!!!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Wow.... NO FEAR!!!!
Today has been a very long day and I am falling asleep, but wanted to post at least something!!! Today started leaving my hotel room at 6:30am and going strong until 11:30pm or so. I am beat. There have been many challenges yet it all seems to have faded away after hearing the wonderful speaker tonight. I don't remember His name and I am to tired to look it up.
He was very funny, motivating, and kept telling us to NOT have fear!!!! I could not help but think how much of the (C) I deal with is because of fear. Fear of failure, fear of getting hurt, fear of rejection, fear of not measuring up.... fear.... fear....fear... Wow!
So tonight as I fall asleep, I am going to think about perfect love, perfect love meaning His love and how it casts out all fear. It cleans up the (C) it casts out ALL FEAR!!!!!
He was very funny, motivating, and kept telling us to NOT have fear!!!! I could not help but think how much of the (C) I deal with is because of fear. Fear of failure, fear of getting hurt, fear of rejection, fear of not measuring up.... fear.... fear....fear... Wow!
So tonight as I fall asleep, I am going to think about perfect love, perfect love meaning His love and how it casts out all fear. It cleans up the (C) it casts out ALL FEAR!!!!!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Monday...
This morning started off with my parents still being here. I had work that had to get done and I am not very good at doing work while people are around. I started and tried. I was able to work through and get a couple things done. It is always interesting being around my parents. I find it the most challenging at times feeling like a grown up when I am around them. I find myself almost being defensive at things that are not necessary, all in an effort to feel grown up. Frankly in much of my life I still feel like a 16 year old girl who is insecure, unsure of herself and down right silly at times. I have often told Chris, I am sure he expected that his young bride would one day become an elegant woman. I'm afraid he is still waiting.... :) I certainly feel more a girl than a woman and being around my parents makes it even more difficult, because I want to be that woman!
So tonight I am trying to feel like a woman :) Trying to see the woman I have become. It doesn't mean I can't be playful, and girlish.... but I don't need to feel less of a woman. Perhaps I need to redefine woman, perhaps I just need to accept the woman I am. Right now I have the Shania "I feel like a woman" playing in my head :). I am letting go of the insecurities, the fear, the uncertainty, all the things that make me feel like the 16 year old and embrace the 42 year old woman I am!
So tonight I am trying to feel like a woman :) Trying to see the woman I have become. It doesn't mean I can't be playful, and girlish.... but I don't need to feel less of a woman. Perhaps I need to redefine woman, perhaps I just need to accept the woman I am. Right now I have the Shania "I feel like a woman" playing in my head :). I am letting go of the insecurities, the fear, the uncertainty, all the things that make me feel like the 16 year old and embrace the 42 year old woman I am!
Monday, March 5, 2012
Sunday, Sermon preparation time!
Yes the title is not a mistake. This weekend my parents came to visit. Mostly because Dad and I have been asked to speak at my alumni weekend at Mount Pisgah Academy in April. We need sometime to work together. So they came down Sabbath morning to hear me preach and then today was dedicated to working on our sermon for Alumni. I have to admit getting up after the last few days knowing I had to work on another sermon was not exciting. I was ready for a break! But we did.
We worked, talked and contemplated topics etc. It was a very long day. It is hard enough figuring out sermons on your own much less working together. Just picking a topic was challenging. We had different ideas, different thoughts and yet we both do want it to be whatever we are supposed to talk about. Once my mom said that it sure would be nice if Jesus would just tell you. I couldn't help but think about my struggles on Friday and the realization that perhaps he just wants me to use the mind he has already given me.
It was a challenge but we did finally around 11pm figure out a topic. That is it.... a topic. We now have to figure out what to do with it, how to present it etc.
I fought with some (C) today. It is hard working with your father and still maintaining grown up status. Not because of anything he was doing! It is just easy to fall back into being the child. I didn't want that! I am not a child, I am a grown woman and I wanted to be that. Perhaps that is why it took us till 11pm but we made it.
Today, I am trying to let go of being a little girl, feeling like I am still the child and owning my womanhood. Acknowledging where I have come, the wisdom I have gained and speaking boldly about what Jesus has done in my life. After all to go back to feeling like a child, ignores all that He has done! That would be a shame.
We worked, talked and contemplated topics etc. It was a very long day. It is hard enough figuring out sermons on your own much less working together. Just picking a topic was challenging. We had different ideas, different thoughts and yet we both do want it to be whatever we are supposed to talk about. Once my mom said that it sure would be nice if Jesus would just tell you. I couldn't help but think about my struggles on Friday and the realization that perhaps he just wants me to use the mind he has already given me.
It was a challenge but we did finally around 11pm figure out a topic. That is it.... a topic. We now have to figure out what to do with it, how to present it etc.
I fought with some (C) today. It is hard working with your father and still maintaining grown up status. Not because of anything he was doing! It is just easy to fall back into being the child. I didn't want that! I am not a child, I am a grown woman and I wanted to be that. Perhaps that is why it took us till 11pm but we made it.
Today, I am trying to let go of being a little girl, feeling like I am still the child and owning my womanhood. Acknowledging where I have come, the wisdom I have gained and speaking boldly about what Jesus has done in my life. After all to go back to feeling like a child, ignores all that He has done! That would be a shame.
Sabbath.... Sermon Time (late)
So today was quite a day. I have not preached at our church in years and this morning when I awoke I still had no idea how the sermon was going to come together. I headed out to the living room, picked up my bible, prayed, read, picked up my computer with notes..... still nothing. Then in frustration I decided to get my shower so the hair could be drying while I worked on my sermon. In the shower I was just thinking and praying. Trying to figure out,.... how do I work with this old idea through the new glasses of who I am today. Then in almost desperation I said out loud. "I am just not the same today!"
Then the moment when it was clear. I was planning to talk about coming to Jesus and you will be changed. The whole point was the transformation that takes place when we come in contact with the Savior. Well.... I had come in contact with Jesus on my race, and I was changed... "So Beth share your story!"
I had contemplated it before but I didn't want to just share it because it was on my mind. I didn't want to share just for the sake of talking about the 13.1 miles. I felt there had to be a point, there had to be a reason, the sermon still had to bring people to Jesus. I know that our testimony is the most powerful tool we have for bringing people to Jesus, so I just prayed and focused on how the experience brought me to Jesus and how He changed me.
Then the struggle. This is a very personal and emotional story for me. It affects me to the core. I cry just thinking about it and goodness knows I hate crying up front.....yet I seem to do it all the time. I struggle with (C). I struggle with not understanding why I cry, why it affects me so deeply. It is also scary to share something with people that is so personal when you don't necessarily feel safe with all who are there. I felt comfortable with the first service because there is a very high ratio of friends and those who love me. However the second service is full of people I don't know and therefore I have a hard time trusting, or opening up.
My struggle was not about the content, the organization, or the act of speaking it was the act of vulnerability. My run was not something to brag about. My run was ugly, hard, and frankly highlighted much of the (C) in my life. Yet I could not denie what Jesus had done, and that was going to be my focus.
So I dressed for church, put on flats because my legs are still hurting some, and prayed for strength.
First service went as expected. I felt loved, rapped up and accepted with the flow of tears that came. What a wonderful place to be surrounded by people who love you! Then second service, I was nervous, to the point I was sick to my stomach. Not nervous to present, but nervous to be vulnerable. I sat on the front pew and prayed! All the preliminaries didn't help. The congregation was small in number and just dead. No life, almost sleeping. As I got up my final prayer was this, "Lord, I'm sharing and I will share it all! Please use it as you will. It is my gift to you." Somehow that made it easier for me. I wasn't giving my story to strangers, I was giving it to the Holy Spirit and he could do as He wished. I trust Him.
The sermon went fine. It was different. I was less emotional, but it went better than I had feared. I love connecting with a congregation and I seemed to have most of the congregation with me. There were a few that looked at me with a stone faced blank look but, I let that go and I focused just sharing what Jesus had done. That should always be enough!
By far the highlight of today was when a young boy, grade school age, someone I have never talked with before, came up to me after first service and told me how much he liked the story and how it reminded him of the story of Peter walking on the water. Wow! Impressive that he thought of it enough to draw the connection. It thrilled my soul.
After church I came home to a house full of people, lunch made by many and organized by my husband. I was tired, but happy to be with friends.
God was good today, as He is everyday. I am reminded how important it is to love each other, be a support to each other. Today at Church Lydia came up and just hugged and hugged me. What a joy that was. What an incredible thing it is to feel loved by those around you. Contrast that with the other option and it is amazing to me the difference. One lifts you, strengthens you, carries you, and the other can hurt, weaken, and beat you down. There should be no room for putting each other down. No tolerance for ugliness. Let Christ take care of others and we can just support and love them!
To all of my friends, thank you! Thank you for your love and support. Thank you!
Then the moment when it was clear. I was planning to talk about coming to Jesus and you will be changed. The whole point was the transformation that takes place when we come in contact with the Savior. Well.... I had come in contact with Jesus on my race, and I was changed... "So Beth share your story!"
I had contemplated it before but I didn't want to just share it because it was on my mind. I didn't want to share just for the sake of talking about the 13.1 miles. I felt there had to be a point, there had to be a reason, the sermon still had to bring people to Jesus. I know that our testimony is the most powerful tool we have for bringing people to Jesus, so I just prayed and focused on how the experience brought me to Jesus and how He changed me.
Then the struggle. This is a very personal and emotional story for me. It affects me to the core. I cry just thinking about it and goodness knows I hate crying up front.....yet I seem to do it all the time. I struggle with (C). I struggle with not understanding why I cry, why it affects me so deeply. It is also scary to share something with people that is so personal when you don't necessarily feel safe with all who are there. I felt comfortable with the first service because there is a very high ratio of friends and those who love me. However the second service is full of people I don't know and therefore I have a hard time trusting, or opening up.
My struggle was not about the content, the organization, or the act of speaking it was the act of vulnerability. My run was not something to brag about. My run was ugly, hard, and frankly highlighted much of the (C) in my life. Yet I could not denie what Jesus had done, and that was going to be my focus.
So I dressed for church, put on flats because my legs are still hurting some, and prayed for strength.
First service went as expected. I felt loved, rapped up and accepted with the flow of tears that came. What a wonderful place to be surrounded by people who love you! Then second service, I was nervous, to the point I was sick to my stomach. Not nervous to present, but nervous to be vulnerable. I sat on the front pew and prayed! All the preliminaries didn't help. The congregation was small in number and just dead. No life, almost sleeping. As I got up my final prayer was this, "Lord, I'm sharing and I will share it all! Please use it as you will. It is my gift to you." Somehow that made it easier for me. I wasn't giving my story to strangers, I was giving it to the Holy Spirit and he could do as He wished. I trust Him.
The sermon went fine. It was different. I was less emotional, but it went better than I had feared. I love connecting with a congregation and I seemed to have most of the congregation with me. There were a few that looked at me with a stone faced blank look but, I let that go and I focused just sharing what Jesus had done. That should always be enough!
By far the highlight of today was when a young boy, grade school age, someone I have never talked with before, came up to me after first service and told me how much he liked the story and how it reminded him of the story of Peter walking on the water. Wow! Impressive that he thought of it enough to draw the connection. It thrilled my soul.
After church I came home to a house full of people, lunch made by many and organized by my husband. I was tired, but happy to be with friends.
God was good today, as He is everyday. I am reminded how important it is to love each other, be a support to each other. Today at Church Lydia came up and just hugged and hugged me. What a joy that was. What an incredible thing it is to feel loved by those around you. Contrast that with the other option and it is amazing to me the difference. One lifts you, strengthens you, carries you, and the other can hurt, weaken, and beat you down. There should be no room for putting each other down. No tolerance for ugliness. Let Christ take care of others and we can just support and love them!
To all of my friends, thank you! Thank you for your love and support. Thank you!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Friday Night! (posted late....)
So it is Friday night and I am sitting in a just cleaned living room with my man! Life is good....well except for the fact that my stomach is in knots and I am struggling with tomorrows sermon. I enjoy the art of communicating with a congregation but I am a wreck when it comes to preparation. I realized today I get nerves and anxious when it is time to prepare. I feel a great sense of responsibility to plan and have things organized, relevant, and most important what God whats me to say.
As I sit here I am struggling. Struggling to let go of my race experience and focus on the sermon I planned three weeks ago. It is so hard to go back and tweak the final set of notes when all I can think about is the race. It is not that I am obsessed with the race, it is the profound experience with God that draws me. I feel like I have a new and deeper relationship with him and reading my notes from three weeks ago it seems as if they were written by a different person.
So tonight I am struggling. Figuring out how to fit the new relationship into the old sermon, or tweak the old sermon and make it new, or scrap it all together...ergggg... It is times like this I wished I had an audio connection with Jesus. I wish he could sit here in the living room and dictate to me what He wants me to say. However the thought just occurred to me that perhaps he doesn't want it dictated to me... perhaps could it be that my he created me with a mind that he wants me to use....perhaps he wants me to use my mind and my relationship with him to share.... maybe it is enough to just share my experiences... Now I'm rambling.....
I will stop doubting and go to bed. I will go to sleep and pray He gives me enough direction to do His will!
As I sit here I am struggling. Struggling to let go of my race experience and focus on the sermon I planned three weeks ago. It is so hard to go back and tweak the final set of notes when all I can think about is the race. It is not that I am obsessed with the race, it is the profound experience with God that draws me. I feel like I have a new and deeper relationship with him and reading my notes from three weeks ago it seems as if they were written by a different person.
So tonight I am struggling. Figuring out how to fit the new relationship into the old sermon, or tweak the old sermon and make it new, or scrap it all together...ergggg... It is times like this I wished I had an audio connection with Jesus. I wish he could sit here in the living room and dictate to me what He wants me to say. However the thought just occurred to me that perhaps he doesn't want it dictated to me... perhaps could it be that my he created me with a mind that he wants me to use....perhaps he wants me to use my mind and my relationship with him to share.... maybe it is enough to just share my experiences... Now I'm rambling.....
I will stop doubting and go to bed. I will go to sleep and pray He gives me enough direction to do His will!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Looking Up...
Today was all about hard work. I started the morning working on getting projects done for work and I'm still not done. It has been a very long day, feeling behind and inadequate to do the job needed. I was working on design work. I know when it looks right, I know when it looks clean and professional, but getting it there is another story. I am not trained to use the programs, all my training has been by trial and error. That contributes to a very long day, where I started fighting with (C).
Then I chose, simply decided there was no point. I am over trying to beat myself up. So I did a simple thing. I let myself be slow, I kept working and did my best to look up every time I started to get frustrated. There was something wonderful about intentionally looking up. Physically looking toward the ceiling, and saying a prayer. Praying and then resting in the fact that He will give me exactly what I need to accomplish what He needs me, or is calling me to do!
At one point I went out side and looked up. I went out side soaked in the warmth of the sun and looked up. Today I was reminded how important it is to look up! How important it is to take time to breath, to take time to soak in beauty and all that is good, God!!!! In our busy lives, with stress all around, and (C) being thrown around by others, there is only one defense. There is only one way to cover yourself in saran rap (as Carolyn says) and that is to LOOK UP! There is something so soothing, so refreshing about taking time with God. Even if it is just for a second. Even if it is just to think on Him or praise Him. It doesn't have to be a bible study. Today I enjoyed the relief that comes from spending lots of little, delightful moments with Him!
Then I chose, simply decided there was no point. I am over trying to beat myself up. So I did a simple thing. I let myself be slow, I kept working and did my best to look up every time I started to get frustrated. There was something wonderful about intentionally looking up. Physically looking toward the ceiling, and saying a prayer. Praying and then resting in the fact that He will give me exactly what I need to accomplish what He needs me, or is calling me to do!
At one point I went out side and looked up. I went out side soaked in the warmth of the sun and looked up. Today I was reminded how important it is to look up! How important it is to take time to breath, to take time to soak in beauty and all that is good, God!!!! In our busy lives, with stress all around, and (C) being thrown around by others, there is only one defense. There is only one way to cover yourself in saran rap (as Carolyn says) and that is to LOOK UP! There is something so soothing, so refreshing about taking time with God. Even if it is just for a second. Even if it is just to think on Him or praise Him. It doesn't have to be a bible study. Today I enjoyed the relief that comes from spending lots of little, delightful moments with Him!
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