I know the title is way too long! But it is true. I love a good roller coaster ride. The anticipation, the climb, the crops, spins, never knowing what is coming next, or knowing and anticipating the thrill. I love them. I love them in amusement parks.
The last two weeks has been an almost hourly roller coaster ride of ups and downs. Moments that thrill my soul, affirm what I am doing on this earth, give me energy to keep fighting the fight, and then literally moments later I am fighting with a challenge that seems impossible to over come. I would love to share with you details, of the highest and the lowest moments so you could understand the magnitude of this roller coaster, but I can't! I will say this, tonight, was a terribly difficult time! Tonight was a time when the low seemed to go on for ever and you wondered when it would stop!!!
So what do you do with the lows, how do you celebrate the highs, with the lows right there! How, how, how!
As I sat tonight thinking about this roller coaster ride, I had a thought. We are not here to be glorified! We are not here to have everything go right so that I can say, wow look what I did!!!! We are here to serve, we are here to do our part, to love those around us, to forgive, to share joy, to find the good. It is not about how we are when things are great, but when things are difficult.
Today, I hurt for those around me. Today, I saw lots of (C)!!!! Today, I am going to sleep, praying for so many who are hurting! Today, I am going to sleep, praying that in all things! That is ALL things HE will be glorified.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
216- Surprise!
This evening I got a call from Chris as I was parking the car in the parking lot of Tupelo Honey, a local restaurant here in Asheville, NC. He sounded so happy, almost excited. I asked him about his day and he didn't say much. Trying to find out where the happiness was coming from I asked if he was riding his motorcycle. No, he told me there was to high a chance for rain. I was sitting in the car with Rachell a student here at Pisgah. I had agreed to take her out for a quick dinner. She is trying to eat vegan, so since supper in the cafe was grilled cheese sandwiches, we decided to go out. With her in the car, I decided to say good by to Chris and head inside.
Rachell and I ordered and than proceeded to have a wonderful conversation about the day and life in general. I am so impressed with this young woman. She is smart, witty, and a girl who loves the Lord. It was so uplifting. With the past couple days, the stress level etc. it was such a beautiful conversation. We were enjoying our time, and then Surprise!!!!! I look up to see Chris walking toward me! Instantly my stomach leaps, I start to tear up, I'm so excited he is there. I tried to restrain myself! I didn't want to make Rachell uncomfortable. Perhaps the most moving was realizing the joy in his voice, the excitement I heard was the anticipation of him seeing me! Wow! It wasn't a motorcycle ride, it wasn't a raise, or just a good day at work, it was me!
This morning I awoke without hearing my alarm and realized I had 10 minutes to meet two beautiful girls for our breakfast date. I had the privilege of going to breakfast with two of the sweetest, smartest little girls you could ever meet. They are so joy filled. They just delight in life. Gum, and fruit snacks delight them. Going out to breakfast is new and exciting. Drawing and writing their names on the paper covered tables brought giggles and many minutes of fun! Oh how precious!
Rachell and I ordered and than proceeded to have a wonderful conversation about the day and life in general. I am so impressed with this young woman. She is smart, witty, and a girl who loves the Lord. It was so uplifting. With the past couple days, the stress level etc. it was such a beautiful conversation. We were enjoying our time, and then Surprise!!!!! I look up to see Chris walking toward me! Instantly my stomach leaps, I start to tear up, I'm so excited he is there. I tried to restrain myself! I didn't want to make Rachell uncomfortable. Perhaps the most moving was realizing the joy in his voice, the excitement I heard was the anticipation of him seeing me! Wow! It wasn't a motorcycle ride, it wasn't a raise, or just a good day at work, it was me!
This morning I awoke without hearing my alarm and realized I had 10 minutes to meet two beautiful girls for our breakfast date. I had the privilege of going to breakfast with two of the sweetest, smartest little girls you could ever meet. They are so joy filled. They just delight in life. Gum, and fruit snacks delight them. Going out to breakfast is new and exciting. Drawing and writing their names on the paper covered tables brought giggles and many minutes of fun! Oh how precious!
On one of the most stressful days of the year for work. Today I treated myself to a ladies breakfast where joy was shared, where I was reminded of the simple pleasures. These precious girls reminded me of the importance of being like a child, and finding the joy in the little things.
On one of the most stressful days of the year, my man so beautifully showed me his love and support. He surprised me, drove 2+ hours just to see me. He came so I could spend some time with my head on his chest, breathing in peace, and strength. Today started with childlike joy, and today is ending with peace that comes from the knowledge of a lasting and true love. What a blessed day.
Today, because of the blessings that come from those who love me, I am resting, knowing HE has it covered and somehow if I give it up, HE will be glorified!
So today, I am living MtC because of Gods love in the morning at breakfast, and because of the surprise of a grand gesture God blessed me with. What a beautiful way to sandwich an otherwise stress filled day!
215- Tuesday....Letting Go, Letting God,
So after working until 1:45 in the morning, I still awoke around 7, got ready for the day, ate breakfast with the grandparents and then headed out the door by 8:45. I went straight down town to purchase a game I had read about online, to use this coming weekend. After arriving at the school, after working a couple more hours on my plans, and as I was headed out the door for lunch, I found out none of my plans would work.
We have recently lost a member of our school family. A very dear woman, who loved my girls so much, who served as our school as nurse for years, lost her battle with cancer. It has been hard to take. She was one of those ladies who just spread the love of Jesus everywhere she went. I found out her funeral will be held Sabbath afternoon in the middle of our Academy Days weekend. There is no question her funeral, takes priority! However I also have to find a way to host our guests Sabbath afternoon. Of course many of our students and most of our staff want to be at the funeral, and that leaves a campus full of guests.
So after countless hours putting together a plan, it is all out the window. It is times like these when I remember it is not about my plans but about HIS plans. There is no point in trying to keep pushing my plans ahead, I need to stop and pray and ask God to reveal his plans for the weekend. So today, instead of letting despair get the beat of me I have had to regroup. Trust that he will give me a plan, there is something better out there. I'm waiting!!!!! I'm listening!!!!! I am trusting!!!!
So today, (actually I am finishing this a day late, I fell asleep with the computer on my chest, awoke after sleeping through my alarm, so technically this was yesterday :)) So yesterday, I just attempted to live MtC by just letting go and letting God!!!
We have recently lost a member of our school family. A very dear woman, who loved my girls so much, who served as our school as nurse for years, lost her battle with cancer. It has been hard to take. She was one of those ladies who just spread the love of Jesus everywhere she went. I found out her funeral will be held Sabbath afternoon in the middle of our Academy Days weekend. There is no question her funeral, takes priority! However I also have to find a way to host our guests Sabbath afternoon. Of course many of our students and most of our staff want to be at the funeral, and that leaves a campus full of guests.
So after countless hours putting together a plan, it is all out the window. It is times like these when I remember it is not about my plans but about HIS plans. There is no point in trying to keep pushing my plans ahead, I need to stop and pray and ask God to reveal his plans for the weekend. So today, instead of letting despair get the beat of me I have had to regroup. Trust that he will give me a plan, there is something better out there. I'm waiting!!!!! I'm listening!!!!! I am trusting!!!!
So today, (actually I am finishing this a day late, I fell asleep with the computer on my chest, awoke after sleeping through my alarm, so technically this was yesterday :)) So yesterday, I just attempted to live MtC by just letting go and letting God!!!
214- Monday SOOOOOOO Much to do!
This is the week leading up to Academy Days. Academy Days is perhaps one of the most important things I do all year. It is when potential students come onto our campus to check out the campus, staff, students, and overall program in an effort to make a decision about school. It is what can make the difference in them coming or not. The preparations are huge and with the drama tour, and other major events I am now finding myself behind. Today was a day filled with lists, figuring out what I can do, and what I must do.
At about 4 in the afternoon, I headed into Beth's office. I desperately needed to talk about something for just a couple moments that had nothing to do with school or work. I was hoping we could spend just a couple minutes and talk about our kids. When I stepped into the library I could see her office was empty. I said something to the student watching the library and she said Beth had gone home sick.... I was so disappointed. I was so ready for a break, so ready to have some Beth time!
Disappointed, I went back to my office and went to work. I worked until 8:15, then headed to town to pick up some supplies I had promised a student. I made it to the store just in time to hear them say we needed to make our final purchases before they closed. I rushed, found things to buy and then checked out. It was 9pm and I was starving. I finally decided to go to Cracker Barrel and get a grill cheese and french fries. Not exactly a nutritious. I left Cracker Barrel around 9:45 and then drove to Grandparents. I fell into bed and started this post. Then I found myself panicked about all that I needed to do so I stopped blogging and worked until 1:45 on Academy Days Schedule. This morning the first paragraph of the blog was completed and the rest sat unfinished. Knowing I had so much to do I just ran to work and decided to finish it tonight.
Yesterday, another day of trying to live MtC found me working very hard and long, finding little time for things that really matter to me! Today was difficult, but one of those days where you just do what you have to do! I'm afraid this whole week will be that way!
At about 4 in the afternoon, I headed into Beth's office. I desperately needed to talk about something for just a couple moments that had nothing to do with school or work. I was hoping we could spend just a couple minutes and talk about our kids. When I stepped into the library I could see her office was empty. I said something to the student watching the library and she said Beth had gone home sick.... I was so disappointed. I was so ready for a break, so ready to have some Beth time!
Disappointed, I went back to my office and went to work. I worked until 8:15, then headed to town to pick up some supplies I had promised a student. I made it to the store just in time to hear them say we needed to make our final purchases before they closed. I rushed, found things to buy and then checked out. It was 9pm and I was starving. I finally decided to go to Cracker Barrel and get a grill cheese and french fries. Not exactly a nutritious. I left Cracker Barrel around 9:45 and then drove to Grandparents. I fell into bed and started this post. Then I found myself panicked about all that I needed to do so I stopped blogging and worked until 1:45 on Academy Days Schedule. This morning the first paragraph of the blog was completed and the rest sat unfinished. Knowing I had so much to do I just ran to work and decided to finish it tonight.
Yesterday, another day of trying to live MtC found me working very hard and long, finding little time for things that really matter to me! Today was difficult, but one of those days where you just do what you have to do! I'm afraid this whole week will be that way!
213- Saying Good bye (late because of no internet)
Sunday was not a sleep in and enjoy the morning kind of day. I had a committee meeting I had to have agenda and handouts ready for by 9am. So Chris and I were up early, I was getting ready, trying to look awake and then head out the door. It was sad watching Chris pack his things. The guest house room was still crazy with stuff everywhere and then on one of the beds was his neat little pile, his things packed and ready to go. I hate the days we have to say good by!
We headed out the door, and down to my office where he proceeded to work on things that needed to get done, like switching my phone over (my old one was dying, they gave me a new one, Chris was getting all my pictures contacts etc. moved.). What a man. I worked on the agenda for my meeting and then ran out the door.
The meeting went fine, we were able to get lots accomplished. Then I headed back down to my office to grab a key for the school shuttle so I could take my new recruiting team out for a very short celebration. It was the only time we could squeeze it into the crazy schedule. In the office, I found Chris still working on my phone. I was surprised to find him there and suggested that he come with us to Dunkin so he could get something for breakfast. He agreed. We headed to Dunkin, celebrated with the students and then said good bye. Chris was on his way home, and I was headed back to school to work on the up coming week.
I cannot begin to express how sad it makes me to say good bye. Every fiber of my being wants to just write a resignation letter effective immediately and go home too! I hate being separated! I hate not being around when he gets home from work. I hate not being there to see if his face is stressed, or if he is tired or happy about something. I hate it! Yet, I know for now we are still trying to make this work. We are still trying to find a way to make it through. We both believe in what I am doing and see the purpose. I know Chris also see's how much I enjoy it. How it has grown me, developed me. Strengthened me. So why does it have to be so hard!
After saying good bye to Chris, and dropping the students off, I could not make myself go to work. I didn't want to be the only one in the office on Sunday afternoon. It is especially hard, working alone, when you know everyone is with their families. So I went up the hill to see Andrew, the last of my family on campus. He was at Becca's house. I sat on their deck and talked. It was wonderful family time. Wonderful interaction, and I enjoyed it so much, but oh how I wished my man was there. I get tired of being the one without a husband around. It was wonderful seeing my boy!!!! It was wonderful seeing Becca!!! It was wonderful being with the Anderson's!!!! As wonderful as it was it doesn't take the place of being at home with my man!
After spending many hours working in the office after my time with the Anderson family, I headed up to the guest house alone. I watched a movie on my new Ipad (a birthday gift from chris :)) and then decided to blog. The internet and my phone connection were so bad I had to just save this and will post later. As you can tell by this post, I hate saying good bye, I miss my man. Chris brings me so much joy! So much love! Chris is my best friend, he gets me, loves me, admires me, and still thinks I'm hot! I hope and look forward to the day when there is a better plan for our lives. I look forward to the day when we are able to spend time together every evening, and better yet when it is just the two of us everyday, all day long!
Today I was able to let myself be sad! I didn't beat myself up, for having this job! Today, I have been trying to let myself face the feelings, admit them and even accept them. Tonight I enjoyed saying goodnight to Chris on the phone, and I am counting the days when we are together again!
One more day attempting to live MtC, allowing myself to feel sad. One more day in the right direction!
We headed out the door, and down to my office where he proceeded to work on things that needed to get done, like switching my phone over (my old one was dying, they gave me a new one, Chris was getting all my pictures contacts etc. moved.). What a man. I worked on the agenda for my meeting and then ran out the door.
The meeting went fine, we were able to get lots accomplished. Then I headed back down to my office to grab a key for the school shuttle so I could take my new recruiting team out for a very short celebration. It was the only time we could squeeze it into the crazy schedule. In the office, I found Chris still working on my phone. I was surprised to find him there and suggested that he come with us to Dunkin so he could get something for breakfast. He agreed. We headed to Dunkin, celebrated with the students and then said good bye. Chris was on his way home, and I was headed back to school to work on the up coming week.
I cannot begin to express how sad it makes me to say good bye. Every fiber of my being wants to just write a resignation letter effective immediately and go home too! I hate being separated! I hate not being around when he gets home from work. I hate not being there to see if his face is stressed, or if he is tired or happy about something. I hate it! Yet, I know for now we are still trying to make this work. We are still trying to find a way to make it through. We both believe in what I am doing and see the purpose. I know Chris also see's how much I enjoy it. How it has grown me, developed me. Strengthened me. So why does it have to be so hard!
After saying good bye to Chris, and dropping the students off, I could not make myself go to work. I didn't want to be the only one in the office on Sunday afternoon. It is especially hard, working alone, when you know everyone is with their families. So I went up the hill to see Andrew, the last of my family on campus. He was at Becca's house. I sat on their deck and talked. It was wonderful family time. Wonderful interaction, and I enjoyed it so much, but oh how I wished my man was there. I get tired of being the one without a husband around. It was wonderful seeing my boy!!!! It was wonderful seeing Becca!!! It was wonderful being with the Anderson's!!!! As wonderful as it was it doesn't take the place of being at home with my man!
After spending many hours working in the office after my time with the Anderson family, I headed up to the guest house alone. I watched a movie on my new Ipad (a birthday gift from chris :)) and then decided to blog. The internet and my phone connection were so bad I had to just save this and will post later. As you can tell by this post, I hate saying good bye, I miss my man. Chris brings me so much joy! So much love! Chris is my best friend, he gets me, loves me, admires me, and still thinks I'm hot! I hope and look forward to the day when there is a better plan for our lives. I look forward to the day when we are able to spend time together every evening, and better yet when it is just the two of us everyday, all day long!
Today I was able to let myself be sad! I didn't beat myself up, for having this job! Today, I have been trying to let myself face the feelings, admit them and even accept them. Tonight I enjoyed saying goodnight to Chris on the phone, and I am counting the days when we are together again!
One more day attempting to live MtC, allowing myself to feel sad. One more day in the right direction!
Sunday, April 22, 2012
212- Torn
This time of year is crazy, and Chris and I spend lots of time away from each other. We know it is coming. We plan, or dread it coming and do our best to survive it and make the best of this time. Yet it is still terrible. I feel stronger with him around and every time we get ready to leave each other or say good bye I feel weak, I feel incapable of one more step alone, and yet some how I make it! Today we were in the sanctuary after the service trying to get the different honor classes to come to the front and have a class picture taken! No one could hear the woman who was trying to call them. She was using the mic but it wasn't very loud and she was talking way to soft. I finally asked if I could try getting people's attention. She agreed and I stepped up to the mic. I used my outdoor voice and spoke very loudly into the mic. It was very loud, good.... Then I looked up, and Chris, my man was at the sound board in a church, not his, helping me out!!!!!! I saw something I could do which was speak loud, and he saw something he could do which was turn up the mic, together we were able to get people's attention!!!!! In many situations just like that he sees something that needs to be done and just does it. It makes me feel safe, and covered. I feel stronger!
Today was my 25th high school reunion, what a day. Seeing people we have not seen in a long time. Everyone trying to impress each other. There were many good moments, lots of laughs, and memories awakened. I have to say this was perhaps the best alumni day for me! I felt the strongest! I felt comfortable in my own skin. I didn't feel insecure, or small. I didn't wonder if I was measuring up, I was just happy hearing about my class mates lives, and laughing. I am so thankful for the freedom this process has brought. Twice today I remember telling myself to use the seran wrap shield Carolyn had ordered from heaven to keep the crap others were slinging off of me, but for the most part I just experienced and enjoyed the time with others. Thankful I'm feeling better and stronger. Thankful that as my focus stays on "all things good" I am able to let go so much easier. Thankful that today I could enjoy my friends and perhaps see them more clearly since I'm not hanging on to quite so much (C)!
So today was a good day, but tomorrow I have to say good bye to Chris. It will be a full week before we are together again! That makes me sad. I'm trying to let myself feel it, express it and I'm hoping that will keep me from stuffing my feelings, making it easier to accept crap!
So tonight I am thankful for my man and so sad to have him leave! I thankful for a pleasant day with friends and thankful for the progress I seem to be making at living MtC!
Today was my 25th high school reunion, what a day. Seeing people we have not seen in a long time. Everyone trying to impress each other. There were many good moments, lots of laughs, and memories awakened. I have to say this was perhaps the best alumni day for me! I felt the strongest! I felt comfortable in my own skin. I didn't feel insecure, or small. I didn't wonder if I was measuring up, I was just happy hearing about my class mates lives, and laughing. I am so thankful for the freedom this process has brought. Twice today I remember telling myself to use the seran wrap shield Carolyn had ordered from heaven to keep the crap others were slinging off of me, but for the most part I just experienced and enjoyed the time with others. Thankful I'm feeling better and stronger. Thankful that as my focus stays on "all things good" I am able to let go so much easier. Thankful that today I could enjoy my friends and perhaps see them more clearly since I'm not hanging on to quite so much (C)!
So today was a good day, but tomorrow I have to say good bye to Chris. It will be a full week before we are together again! That makes me sad. I'm trying to let myself feel it, express it and I'm hoping that will keep me from stuffing my feelings, making it easier to accept crap!
So tonight I am thankful for my man and so sad to have him leave! I thankful for a pleasant day with friends and thankful for the progress I seem to be making at living MtC!
Friday, April 20, 2012
211- It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want too.....
Well it is my birthday and I have cried. Not from sadness but overwhelmed with love!!!! First, the most beautiful emails from dear friends who know all the right things to say! I awoke to their kind words and was overcome with joy and love. Then time with my dad preparing for a sermon we were blessed to give together. Our study time was uplifting, we ministered to each other and then we put together our sermon. What a blessing to see eye to eye with your dad about deep theological issues that are not just expected. I'm proud of my dad! I was also blessed by my husbands help at a stressful time, his willingness to be my support ministered to me! A wonderful phone call from my brother Peter who I dearly love and miss. Messages from my other siblings, being sung happy birthday to with a sprinkled covered doughnut, thanks Becca and Andrew! Lunch with such a fun group of friends! Over 100 Facebook messages, what a blessing. Roses from Mike and Lynn. My drama team supporting me tonight, and all wishing me a happy birthday. It has certainly been a (-C) day... (thanks Lucy for the new symbol!). Oh yes my Aunt Lynn sang to me too. Lydia sent me a sweet message, and so many others.
Tonight I'm am thankful for my short comings.... So the only (C) today I buried and God made something beautiful out of it.... Today was hardley the day I had planned. I was busy, and could not seem to get it all done. It was 6:40 pm when I headed to the guest house to get cleaned up. ( i needed to be at the church no later than 7:15. 7 would have been better) Chris was still at the office working for me on power point, I ran to get cute...or try. Then I realized there was no time, my make up was not with me, it was in the car, I could not find my tweezers and I desperately needed to pluck the chin and upper lip hairs. I was distraught and the (C) started pilling up... Then I prayed, told God I was burying it and headed out the door, chin hairs and all! It became an illustration in the sermon, and more than one person mentioned how much they could relate or how appreciative they were of my chin hair illustration! All I can say is what a blessing to have God take it and use the very crap I buried today! God is good.
Tonight I'm am thankful for my short comings.... So the only (C) today I buried and God made something beautiful out of it.... Today was hardley the day I had planned. I was busy, and could not seem to get it all done. It was 6:40 pm when I headed to the guest house to get cleaned up. ( i needed to be at the church no later than 7:15. 7 would have been better) Chris was still at the office working for me on power point, I ran to get cute...or try. Then I realized there was no time, my make up was not with me, it was in the car, I could not find my tweezers and I desperately needed to pluck the chin and upper lip hairs. I was distraught and the (C) started pilling up... Then I prayed, told God I was burying it and headed out the door, chin hairs and all! It became an illustration in the sermon, and more than one person mentioned how much they could relate or how appreciative they were of my chin hair illustration! All I can say is what a blessing to have God take it and use the very crap I buried today! God is good.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
210- A few little words.
It is amazing to me what a few little words can do. Just a few little words can change your day, change your perspective, even change your life! I remember the words, "Beth will you marry me?" Changed my life for sure! I remember the words, "It's a girl, and it's a boy!" I remember the words, "I think we should break up." I remember the words, "We are moving." All these words mark moments that I will never forget. The world was not the same after hearing these words. Everything forever changed in just a moment. Everything was forever changed after just a few little words were uttered.
Today nothing that dramatic took place. I didn't hear a few little words that forever changed the fabric of my life. I was just reminded how powerful just a few little words can be. This morning I was cleaning my grandparents basement in preparation for my Aunt and Uncle to arrive and take my place. I would be moving to the guest house provided by the school. I was happy to be cleaning and going about my business when the cleaning lady came. She was there to clean the upstairs. I was by this time getting tired, and this process was taking longer than expected. I was hot, I was late for work, I could hear the list of things that must be accomplished being read in my ear. I started thinking about, how nice it would be if the cleaning lady could clean down stairs too. Then I heard in my head a few little words I had heard the last time the cleaning lady was here. They were coming from my grandmother and they went something like this, "We don't have the cleaning lady clean down stairs because that should be your responsibility."
A couple minutes later I come upstairs to put some of my things in the car. I wasn't leaving, I was barefoot, and just taking up a load. Grandmother follows me outside and informs me she can see my bra. Just a couple words....
Then as I am leaving she tells me to behave. Just a couple more. Just a few words and a very tired spirit = me feeling like I was 13 again, and not in a good way! I felt like the cleaning needed to be left for me so I would learn to clean up after myself... I obviously didn't know how to dress... and I needed to behave!
I realize I am extremely tired. I have not had a moment to sit down, rest or sleep late, for weeks now. I am running on empty and need some rest for sure!!!!! Yet it amazed me how, yesterday, there were just a few little words about what I have done for the school. What I do that is working in my job, and I felt like an accomplished woman! Then today, there were just a few little words said, and I felt like a chastised little girl! I started to get angry. Angry that I didn't fight! Angry that I can't fight! Angry that I just sit there and smile and explain that I am going to be wearing a sweater over the top, so my bra won't show. Angry, that I assure her I will behave. Angry, that I get angry!!!!!
Tonight, I am trying to understand my reaction is exaggerated because I am so exhausted. Tonight, I am trying to remember to let it go. Tonight, I am amazed at how just a few little words can make such a difference. We have the choice to say things that encourage, and uplift, or we can say things that belittle and tear down! Tonight I am taking a deep breath, closing my eyes, and remembering I am a grown up!
One more day trying to live MtC and to live in a way that does not contribute to the (C) of others!
Today nothing that dramatic took place. I didn't hear a few little words that forever changed the fabric of my life. I was just reminded how powerful just a few little words can be. This morning I was cleaning my grandparents basement in preparation for my Aunt and Uncle to arrive and take my place. I would be moving to the guest house provided by the school. I was happy to be cleaning and going about my business when the cleaning lady came. She was there to clean the upstairs. I was by this time getting tired, and this process was taking longer than expected. I was hot, I was late for work, I could hear the list of things that must be accomplished being read in my ear. I started thinking about, how nice it would be if the cleaning lady could clean down stairs too. Then I heard in my head a few little words I had heard the last time the cleaning lady was here. They were coming from my grandmother and they went something like this, "We don't have the cleaning lady clean down stairs because that should be your responsibility."
A couple minutes later I come upstairs to put some of my things in the car. I wasn't leaving, I was barefoot, and just taking up a load. Grandmother follows me outside and informs me she can see my bra. Just a couple words....
Then as I am leaving she tells me to behave. Just a couple more. Just a few words and a very tired spirit = me feeling like I was 13 again, and not in a good way! I felt like the cleaning needed to be left for me so I would learn to clean up after myself... I obviously didn't know how to dress... and I needed to behave!
I realize I am extremely tired. I have not had a moment to sit down, rest or sleep late, for weeks now. I am running on empty and need some rest for sure!!!!! Yet it amazed me how, yesterday, there were just a few little words about what I have done for the school. What I do that is working in my job, and I felt like an accomplished woman! Then today, there were just a few little words said, and I felt like a chastised little girl! I started to get angry. Angry that I didn't fight! Angry that I can't fight! Angry that I just sit there and smile and explain that I am going to be wearing a sweater over the top, so my bra won't show. Angry, that I assure her I will behave. Angry, that I get angry!!!!!
Tonight, I am trying to understand my reaction is exaggerated because I am so exhausted. Tonight, I am trying to remember to let it go. Tonight, I am amazed at how just a few little words can make such a difference. We have the choice to say things that encourage, and uplift, or we can say things that belittle and tear down! Tonight I am taking a deep breath, closing my eyes, and remembering I am a grown up!
One more day trying to live MtC and to live in a way that does not contribute to the (C) of others!
209- Thankful! So very Thankful!
Today has been a roller coaster. First I have to leave home, the arms of my adoring husband and drive back to work in Asheville, so bummed! Since my phone won't work I stop at a Verizon store near my home...they are only retail can't help me out.... bummed! Found out the closest place to get it fixed or replaced is in Monroe, (right next door to my husbands office). I pick him up and we go get the phone taken care of together, so excited to see him again! Then we go to an early lunch, so excited to eat with him! Then I have to say good bye again, so bummed! Then drive to work 21/2 hours and was able to get lots done on my broken phone, so excited! Then arrived at school and found out a former student died... sooooo incredibly sad! Find out a friend of my is having a bad day, wish I could help! Then I go eat dinner in the cafe' and one of the staff members little girls comes running up behind me and hugged my neck, so thrilled!!!!!!! Then I head down to the Ad Building for the final report of the evaluation committee, and was blown away!!!! So proud of my school!!!! So proud of our students!!!!!!!!!!! Then back to my office with Tammy to work on ways to spread the good news from the evaluation!!!!!! Then back here to my grandparents to find the wireless internet working!!!!!!!!!! Such a blessing.
There were some profoundly sad moments today, and lots of amazing happy moments. My heart aches for one of our families, for our family!!!! As we are trying to still heal and morn the loss of a former student just weeks ago, we are now once again surrounded and over come with sadness. I did not personally know the student but I know his family quite well and love them! My heart breaks for them!!!!
So on days like today I live MtC thinking on His promises, praising Him for the blessings, and soaking up His comfort! God is good and that we know! He will comfort us and he will strengthen us! He will morn with us and in His presence we will rest!
There were some profoundly sad moments today, and lots of amazing happy moments. My heart aches for one of our families, for our family!!!! As we are trying to still heal and morn the loss of a former student just weeks ago, we are now once again surrounded and over come with sadness. I did not personally know the student but I know his family quite well and love them! My heart breaks for them!!!!
So on days like today I live MtC thinking on His promises, praising Him for the blessings, and soaking up His comfort! God is good and that we know! He will comfort us and he will strengthen us! He will morn with us and in His presence we will rest!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
208- I'm a Bride!!!!!!
Yesterday I remembered a promise I had made to a student several months ago. I remembered I had agreed to take a group of students to Charlotte for the Gungor concert. I had talked with Chris about it and he agreed. He had purchased tickets months earlier. He called to ask if we were still planning to go. When we started this plan we didn't know our school would be in the midst of the accreditation evaluation. When we made these plans we didn't know I would have just returned from a trip to Seattle and would be exhausted! The student had not mentioned anything to me in a long time and I wasn't sure he had even remembered. Never the less I talked with administration and made arrangements to go just in case. It would mean me leaving school around 4pm. driving 2+ hours to the concert, seeing Chris for the duration of the concert and then driving back 2+ hours in the middle of the night back to the school. I was just too tired!!!!
After talking with the student, and finding they still wanted to go I struggled to find the energy to even think about it much less do it!!! Then while eating dinner with a friend, she suggested asking someone else to take the students. That way I could drive to the concert, see Chris, go home with Chris, sleep with Chris in my bed, and then drive back in the morning! So much better!!!!! I made one phone call and the answer was no! I then I talked with the student and suggested a name he knew well.... the answer yes. So I am home blogging on my computer in my chair listening to Chris whistle! Life is good!
The concert was great! I was so tired I decided to be FREE enough to sit when everyone else was standing and dancing! I was exhausted, so I sat and looked at the amazing architecture in the ceiling while listening to the amazing music! At one point in the concert a woman read a poem about us being the Bride of Christ. The poem was powerful. It beautifully described His love for us in our imperfect state. He loves us as we are! We are Him imperfect bride. It profoundly moved me. I know it is cheesy, but I sat their looking at the 100 year old ceiling in all its glory and imagined being a bride, fully clothed in spender, yet completely me. With this disgusting fever blister I have coming out my noes right now, with the blisters on my feet, with the stuffed up noes and exhaustedness, yet with it all he is yearning for me, His bride.
It was a wonderful thought. I have been fighting with lots of (C) today. Seriously I'm not exaggerating when I say I have a disgusting fever blister that fills one nostril and has spread out my noes and onto my upper lip. It feels like it is growing still and is causing terrible pain. It is gross! Today while trying to have a conversation with members of the evaluation committee I kept thinking about my nose! How sad is that.
So tonight, I am His bride, in all the spender of a Bride. I am His and I still have the fever blister. I am defective and I am adored!
So one more day attempting to live MtC
After talking with the student, and finding they still wanted to go I struggled to find the energy to even think about it much less do it!!! Then while eating dinner with a friend, she suggested asking someone else to take the students. That way I could drive to the concert, see Chris, go home with Chris, sleep with Chris in my bed, and then drive back in the morning! So much better!!!!! I made one phone call and the answer was no! I then I talked with the student and suggested a name he knew well.... the answer yes. So I am home blogging on my computer in my chair listening to Chris whistle! Life is good!
The concert was great! I was so tired I decided to be FREE enough to sit when everyone else was standing and dancing! I was exhausted, so I sat and looked at the amazing architecture in the ceiling while listening to the amazing music! At one point in the concert a woman read a poem about us being the Bride of Christ. The poem was powerful. It beautifully described His love for us in our imperfect state. He loves us as we are! We are Him imperfect bride. It profoundly moved me. I know it is cheesy, but I sat their looking at the 100 year old ceiling in all its glory and imagined being a bride, fully clothed in spender, yet completely me. With this disgusting fever blister I have coming out my noes right now, with the blisters on my feet, with the stuffed up noes and exhaustedness, yet with it all he is yearning for me, His bride.
It was a wonderful thought. I have been fighting with lots of (C) today. Seriously I'm not exaggerating when I say I have a disgusting fever blister that fills one nostril and has spread out my noes and onto my upper lip. It feels like it is growing still and is causing terrible pain. It is gross! Today while trying to have a conversation with members of the evaluation committee I kept thinking about my nose! How sad is that.
So tonight, I am His bride, in all the spender of a Bride. I am His and I still have the fever blister. I am defective and I am adored!
So one more day attempting to live MtC
207- Disappointment ( A day late)
Today is one of my least favorite work days of the year. Today was the day I pass out acceptance letters and rejection letters for the students who applied to be on my summer recruiting team. I love the process of picking a team: the prayer, looking at their strengths and weaknesses, and working to find the prefect combination of personalities. However, the day I have to pass out the letters I hate!!! I feel like the bachelor, having to break up and purpose all in one day! On one hand I can't wait to celebrate with my new team, and on the other hand I know I am disappointing wonderful human beings whom I love!
I have carried around a lot of disappointment (C) in my life. I don't like others being disappointed, I don't like disappointment so I prepare myself by expecting the worst possible out come. What a terrible way to live. I come across to most who know me as being optimistic, and I am; however with things I have no control over I plan for the worst. I have often contemplated this pile of (C), wondering what it is that makes this emotion of disappointment so difficult for me. I'm not sure. I have been disappointed a lot, but haven't we all. Life is full of it. I have also had huge surprises and blessings beyond measure. So what is the big deal for me about disappointment?
Today, as I ran from the school, tried to hide, dreaded running into any of the students I had rejected, planned my speeches if I did run into them, today I decided that disappointment or my fear of it is (C)! Complete and disgusting (C). There is something I am afraid of. There is some reason why it is so difficult for me and I don't know why but maybe I don't need to know why. Perhaps trying to figure it out is as ridiculous as trying to figure out what in the (C) is making it stink. I am going to let the (C) go. Accept that disappointment is no different than being sad, happy, sappy, or mad. It is an emotion, and I don't need to be afraid of it, or run from it or try to avoid it. I am going to find something I desire, or something I hope for and I am going to hope fully, desire it with deep longing and allow myself to be open to disappointment.
Disappointment is not the (C) it is the fear of it! I don't want to live with fear, but trust God to carry me through the disappointments in my life. Trust God to open doors for the students who received rejection letters! Bye bye... fear of disappointment! I have carried you around way too long!!!
Another day of attempting to live MtC!
I have carried around a lot of disappointment (C) in my life. I don't like others being disappointed, I don't like disappointment so I prepare myself by expecting the worst possible out come. What a terrible way to live. I come across to most who know me as being optimistic, and I am; however with things I have no control over I plan for the worst. I have often contemplated this pile of (C), wondering what it is that makes this emotion of disappointment so difficult for me. I'm not sure. I have been disappointed a lot, but haven't we all. Life is full of it. I have also had huge surprises and blessings beyond measure. So what is the big deal for me about disappointment?
Today, as I ran from the school, tried to hide, dreaded running into any of the students I had rejected, planned my speeches if I did run into them, today I decided that disappointment or my fear of it is (C)! Complete and disgusting (C). There is something I am afraid of. There is some reason why it is so difficult for me and I don't know why but maybe I don't need to know why. Perhaps trying to figure it out is as ridiculous as trying to figure out what in the (C) is making it stink. I am going to let the (C) go. Accept that disappointment is no different than being sad, happy, sappy, or mad. It is an emotion, and I don't need to be afraid of it, or run from it or try to avoid it. I am going to find something I desire, or something I hope for and I am going to hope fully, desire it with deep longing and allow myself to be open to disappointment.
Disappointment is not the (C) it is the fear of it! I don't want to live with fear, but trust God to carry me through the disappointments in my life. Trust God to open doors for the students who received rejection letters! Bye bye... fear of disappointment! I have carried you around way too long!!!
Another day of attempting to live MtC!
Monday, April 16, 2012
206- Traveling Stories
I am back at my computer, back in Asheville, almost home again. The last several days my blog has been done an my new Ipad! I have very much appreciated not having to lug the computer around however, it is not easy writing on the Ipad.
This past weekend has been quite the experience. Traveling out to Seattle I felt almost attacked by all the (C) I have ever struggled with. I fought feelings of inadequacy, I questioned my ability to share something of substance. I struggled with insecurities about what I was wearing, or not wearing. As hard as I tried nothing seemed to come together. On the plane ride out I was so crippled with doubt, and fear, I copped out and watched two movies. (Well I slept through most of them!) I read some scripture, and prayed constantly but the (C) was almost oppressive! Nothing seemed to go as planned. I was wearing comfortable travel clothes, a light sweater and hair in a pony tail. (I was NOT cute!) I planned the last flight to get up go to the bathroom, put on make up and try to look presentable so I didn't scare Cheri when she picked me up. The last leg of the trip I was deep in conversation with the most interesting two ladies! They were delightful, one full of struggles, one a young counselor and pastors wife. Both were fascinating and the conversation uplifting. I certainly didn't want to get up to go put on make up and miss out on this conversation. It seemed the right choice until I was standing on the curb waiting for Cheri to pick me up. Then I was fighting the (C) again. I was wishing I had found the time in my day to gussy up a bit.
When Cheri arrives to pick me up there is another lady in the car with her.... REALLY! I had literally been standing there on the curb telling myself at least it is your sister in law, picking you up not a total stranger...
The woman turned out to be a pastors wife and though we just had a brief conversation in the car it was incredibly uplifting. She was a woman I could so enjoy spending time with. She was smart, beautiful, and we seemed to get each others point of view. It was a wonderful ride (at least the parts where I wasn't thinking about my hair style or the lack there of!)
I think you get the picture. Even while I was speaking, sharing with the woman about letting go of the (C) I was doubting myself! It was as if the devil was screaming, screaming in my ear!!! Or as if there was a vat of crap and I was sitting in it!
I even struggled today. I struggled with second guessing what I said, second guessing my topic, my ending, etc etc.
Then today, before boarding the flight from Seattle to Baltimore, I had a great conversation with a teacher and then a conversation with a beautiful, put together woman. In the conversation she asked what I had been doing in Seattle, I told her and she asked about the topic. I told her about the blog and she wanted the address. Just a random woman in the airport. Then on the plane. I sit between two woman. One was terribly sick, coughing and moaning. She was very sick! The other woman and I started talking. We shared our life stories. At one point we discovered that we both had connections with the Adventist Church. It was again the most uplifting conversation! We just really enjoyed it. We talked for most of the 5 hours. It helped the time fly by. (hehehe)
Sitting on the last flight of the day, I was quiet and looking out the window at lights and pondering this trip. How is it possible that I would be so consumed with (C) when the whole experience had been so full of blessings?!? I had wonderful conversations, was treated like a queen by Cheri (my sister!), I ate delicious healthy food the entire time! So many of you were sending me texts of encouragement, love and prayers all weekend!!! The list of blessings, and beautiful experiences is huge! How can I live in this reality filled with blessings and amazing experiences and still battle with so much (C)?
Tonight I am calling it what it is!!!! (C) Tonight I am thanking God for the incredible list of blessings! I am thankful for the amazing people I met, and the amazing stories I heard. Tonight I am happy to be back in Asheville, looking forward to a good night sleep and start a crazy day of work.
Most importantly tonight I am going to sleep with the knowledge that HE who has begun (not finished) a great work in me will be faithful to complete it!!!!
This past weekend has been quite the experience. Traveling out to Seattle I felt almost attacked by all the (C) I have ever struggled with. I fought feelings of inadequacy, I questioned my ability to share something of substance. I struggled with insecurities about what I was wearing, or not wearing. As hard as I tried nothing seemed to come together. On the plane ride out I was so crippled with doubt, and fear, I copped out and watched two movies. (Well I slept through most of them!) I read some scripture, and prayed constantly but the (C) was almost oppressive! Nothing seemed to go as planned. I was wearing comfortable travel clothes, a light sweater and hair in a pony tail. (I was NOT cute!) I planned the last flight to get up go to the bathroom, put on make up and try to look presentable so I didn't scare Cheri when she picked me up. The last leg of the trip I was deep in conversation with the most interesting two ladies! They were delightful, one full of struggles, one a young counselor and pastors wife. Both were fascinating and the conversation uplifting. I certainly didn't want to get up to go put on make up and miss out on this conversation. It seemed the right choice until I was standing on the curb waiting for Cheri to pick me up. Then I was fighting the (C) again. I was wishing I had found the time in my day to gussy up a bit.
When Cheri arrives to pick me up there is another lady in the car with her.... REALLY! I had literally been standing there on the curb telling myself at least it is your sister in law, picking you up not a total stranger...
The woman turned out to be a pastors wife and though we just had a brief conversation in the car it was incredibly uplifting. She was a woman I could so enjoy spending time with. She was smart, beautiful, and we seemed to get each others point of view. It was a wonderful ride (at least the parts where I wasn't thinking about my hair style or the lack there of!)
I think you get the picture. Even while I was speaking, sharing with the woman about letting go of the (C) I was doubting myself! It was as if the devil was screaming, screaming in my ear!!! Or as if there was a vat of crap and I was sitting in it!
I even struggled today. I struggled with second guessing what I said, second guessing my topic, my ending, etc etc.
Then today, before boarding the flight from Seattle to Baltimore, I had a great conversation with a teacher and then a conversation with a beautiful, put together woman. In the conversation she asked what I had been doing in Seattle, I told her and she asked about the topic. I told her about the blog and she wanted the address. Just a random woman in the airport. Then on the plane. I sit between two woman. One was terribly sick, coughing and moaning. She was very sick! The other woman and I started talking. We shared our life stories. At one point we discovered that we both had connections with the Adventist Church. It was again the most uplifting conversation! We just really enjoyed it. We talked for most of the 5 hours. It helped the time fly by. (hehehe)
Sitting on the last flight of the day, I was quiet and looking out the window at lights and pondering this trip. How is it possible that I would be so consumed with (C) when the whole experience had been so full of blessings?!? I had wonderful conversations, was treated like a queen by Cheri (my sister!), I ate delicious healthy food the entire time! So many of you were sending me texts of encouragement, love and prayers all weekend!!! The list of blessings, and beautiful experiences is huge! How can I live in this reality filled with blessings and amazing experiences and still battle with so much (C)?
Tonight I am calling it what it is!!!! (C) Tonight I am thanking God for the incredible list of blessings! I am thankful for the amazing people I met, and the amazing stories I heard. Tonight I am happy to be back in Asheville, looking forward to a good night sleep and start a crazy day of work.
Most importantly tonight I am going to sleep with the knowledge that HE who has begun (not finished) a great work in me will be faithful to complete it!!!!
Saturday, April 14, 2012
206- Going Public
Wow what a day. I just finished speaking at a woman's ministries event in Auburn WA. There were close to 400 ladies attending. They were warm and so kind to me. After sharing about this blog several were wanting to know how to get to my blog. You all know I have kept it private. Private so I feel safe, private so that I don't offend people with my usage of the word crap! However, I was challenged by a wonderful woman today who said I need to think bigger, I need to be willing to let it go and see where God takes it. So here we go. It is public!!!!!!!
I realized all the reasons for keeping it private were fear based and I don't want to live in fear!!!!! I want to live with out the (C)!!! And today the (C) I'm burying is fear. Fear of crap coming back to me from people who don't get it! Fear of so much, but I'm letting it go so I hope you enjoy this blog and remember this is just me trying to live MtC minus the Crap!
I realized all the reasons for keeping it private were fear based and I don't want to live in fear!!!!! I want to live with out the (C)!!! And today the (C) I'm burying is fear. Fear of crap coming back to me from people who don't get it! Fear of so much, but I'm letting it go so I hope you enjoy this blog and remember this is just me trying to live MtC minus the Crap!
205- praying
Tonight I am praying. Praying for strength, health, calm, clarity of mind and inspiration. Tomorrow I am presenting to a church full of women. I need Him. Please pray for me I will post more tomorrow.
Friday, April 13, 2012
203.... Ok I hear you Lord!
So the last couple days have been filled with me stressing about what I would wear in Seattle. Today in the air port ready to load the plane I was reading my bible when I read a passage I have never read before.... Matt 23:25. Wow to you teachers..... You clean the outside of the cup but inside they are full of greed....etc.
The point hit home. I have spent so much time in the last few days trying to live up to "professional" speaker that I have not been worrying about my heart. In fact as I read it I was sitting in the terminal wishing my hair was straightened and looking nice, I was wishing I had had time to do make up and so on and so forth.
Tonight I am falling in to bed ready to sleep!!!!!!!!! Ready to focus on the heart. Lord clean me from the inside out!
The point hit home. I have spent so much time in the last few days trying to live up to "professional" speaker that I have not been worrying about my heart. In fact as I read it I was sitting in the terminal wishing my hair was straightened and looking nice, I was wishing I had had time to do make up and so on and so forth.
Tonight I am falling in to bed ready to sleep!!!!!!!!! Ready to focus on the heart. Lord clean me from the inside out!
202... Home again
After getting in at 2:15 this morning, I was not ready to give a tour at 8:30am. It was so hard to get up and get going! I said a prayer and headed out the door. I gave a tour had lunch with Rick and Beth and then worked some more before driving home to Charlotte. Again what consumed my thoughts was what am I going to wear in Seattle ? I stopped and picked up a jacket I have and then went shopping trying to find pants or a skirt. Nothing worked. I was starting to get mad at myself and all the clothes designers. Then I talked with Carolyn and she helped me get it together! I will wear old stuff I like and not worry about it. I got in the car and headed home.
Chris and I had a lovely but very quiet evening together. I fell asleep before posting or packing. I am sooooooooooo tired.
Chris and I had a lovely but very quiet evening together. I fell asleep before posting or packing. I am sooooooooooo tired.
201- surprise!
This is Tuesdays post....written and saved. I didn't have Internet...
This morning started early. I took the drama team to the conference office to do worship. It was heavely attended and the students did a wonderful job. We then headed back to the house where I tried to take a nap. It didn't work. I had phone calls, emails and other distractions but I stayed in my room and did have some quiet time. Then around 12 I decided I needed to go out and get the team to help me wash dishes and clean the house so that Chris wasn't stuck with a disaster. I came out of the room and the entire house was cleaned. Dishes! Kitchen! Living room! It was all done! What a wonderful surprise.
We then went to the mall where we just hung out for a while. I tried to find pants or skirt or something to wear when I speak in seattle. Boy did I have a hard time navigating all the (C)! I'm too fat...etc. etc... I found nothing!
We then went to see the play, Bring it on. It was fun however I was really tired and my legs were killing me. After the play I had the privilege of driving the shuttle back to Pisgah. I was at my grandparents around 2:15am. What a day! Nothing more to say.... I'm just plum exhausted!
This morning started early. I took the drama team to the conference office to do worship. It was heavely attended and the students did a wonderful job. We then headed back to the house where I tried to take a nap. It didn't work. I had phone calls, emails and other distractions but I stayed in my room and did have some quiet time. Then around 12 I decided I needed to go out and get the team to help me wash dishes and clean the house so that Chris wasn't stuck with a disaster. I came out of the room and the entire house was cleaned. Dishes! Kitchen! Living room! It was all done! What a wonderful surprise.
We then went to the mall where we just hung out for a while. I tried to find pants or skirt or something to wear when I speak in seattle. Boy did I have a hard time navigating all the (C)! I'm too fat...etc. etc... I found nothing!
We then went to see the play, Bring it on. It was fun however I was really tired and my legs were killing me. After the play I had the privilege of driving the shuttle back to Pisgah. I was at my grandparents around 2:15am. What a day! Nothing more to say.... I'm just plum exhausted!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
200!!!!!!!!!Two hundredth post!!!!!
I am amazed that this is my 200th post!!!! It doesn't seem possible. I have been contemplating all day what I was going to say! After all it should be a great post right! It should be eloquently written, with deep thoughts, new ideas and obvious inspiration! NOPE!
This post is going to be like all the others. Just what is is supposed to be, my journey today trying to live MtC! Today has been our one and only down, or free day! We slept in, ate a late breakfast, had a photo shoot with Tanya. We sat around, talked, I went to the grocery story 3 times! I cooked, fed students, cooked and fed students :)...
Tonight we gathered in the living room to have a worship. This group is notoriously loud. They are always interrupting, they are always talking over each other. Making just a short announcement can take for ever!!! I cannot begin to tell you how incredibly difficult even a tiny conversation is. They certainly like to talk and feed off of each others humor and goofiness. So tonight I challenged them to be completely silent while I shared attributes about each one that I like. They could not do it! One of the boys started hitting anyone who talked with an empty water bottle. It became this crazy game where they were probably listening to me less than if I had let them just be themselves. I will tell you though, there have been many times when I can not finish a thought because someone says something and everyone else has to chime in. They will completely forget I was even talking. They just head down a whole other direction, or conversation! It is crazy. You must understand they are not trying to be bad. They are not even trying to be rude. It is like they just can't help themselves!!!!
So tonight after worship and their failed attempt at quiet listening, it started me thinking about my prayer life. I love to talk to God. I love to tell him about all of my blessings, I love to tell him about all of my sorrows... (I hear a song coming on..lol). but how many times do I actually listen. How many times do I really just sit quietly and listen to what He has to say! After the exhausting worship with the students I was reminded how much like them I am. I am always talking or interrupting God and never really take time to just be still.
So why do my students act as they do? Why don't I sit and listen? I know I have thought of it before! I know I have told myself to listen, so why don't I?
I won't try to speak for my students, but I know personally, I have to be comfortable in silence. I have to be comfortable to hear what ever it is He wants me to hear. I think I am scared to hear from Him. Afraid I won't like what he has to say! Afraid it will ask of me more than I want to give, afraid He will make changes happen, I am not sure I am ready to see happen. So much of that is (C). Or at least it is a result of (C).
So tonight 200 days into this I am trying to be silent and listen. While at Carowinds yesterday, I was thanking Him at every turn, and I think that is good!!!! But what would the day been like if I had listened. What would I have learned?
Tonight I was amazed at how impossible it was for the team to just be still and be silent, yet so thankful because it so beautifully and accurately illustrated me with God!
So tonight I am going to have prayer and just be silent!
This post is going to be like all the others. Just what is is supposed to be, my journey today trying to live MtC! Today has been our one and only down, or free day! We slept in, ate a late breakfast, had a photo shoot with Tanya. We sat around, talked, I went to the grocery story 3 times! I cooked, fed students, cooked and fed students :)...
Tonight we gathered in the living room to have a worship. This group is notoriously loud. They are always interrupting, they are always talking over each other. Making just a short announcement can take for ever!!! I cannot begin to tell you how incredibly difficult even a tiny conversation is. They certainly like to talk and feed off of each others humor and goofiness. So tonight I challenged them to be completely silent while I shared attributes about each one that I like. They could not do it! One of the boys started hitting anyone who talked with an empty water bottle. It became this crazy game where they were probably listening to me less than if I had let them just be themselves. I will tell you though, there have been many times when I can not finish a thought because someone says something and everyone else has to chime in. They will completely forget I was even talking. They just head down a whole other direction, or conversation! It is crazy. You must understand they are not trying to be bad. They are not even trying to be rude. It is like they just can't help themselves!!!!
So tonight after worship and their failed attempt at quiet listening, it started me thinking about my prayer life. I love to talk to God. I love to tell him about all of my blessings, I love to tell him about all of my sorrows... (I hear a song coming on..lol). but how many times do I actually listen. How many times do I really just sit quietly and listen to what He has to say! After the exhausting worship with the students I was reminded how much like them I am. I am always talking or interrupting God and never really take time to just be still.
So why do my students act as they do? Why don't I sit and listen? I know I have thought of it before! I know I have told myself to listen, so why don't I?
I won't try to speak for my students, but I know personally, I have to be comfortable in silence. I have to be comfortable to hear what ever it is He wants me to hear. I think I am scared to hear from Him. Afraid I won't like what he has to say! Afraid it will ask of me more than I want to give, afraid He will make changes happen, I am not sure I am ready to see happen. So much of that is (C). Or at least it is a result of (C).
So tonight 200 days into this I am trying to be silent and listen. While at Carowinds yesterday, I was thanking Him at every turn, and I think that is good!!!! But what would the day been like if I had listened. What would I have learned?
Tonight I was amazed at how impossible it was for the team to just be still and be silent, yet so thankful because it so beautifully and accurately illustrated me with God!
So tonight I am going to have prayer and just be silent!
Monday, April 9, 2012
199- Sunday Fun!
We are exhausted! Exhausted! Yet fighting through Chris and I got up and made roll ups for the drama team. After a full breakfast we headed out the door at 10am. Drove to Carowinds where we spent the entire day, riding rides and having fun. After leaving Carowinds at 5:30 we drove down town to go and see STOMP. I was so tired that I was falling asleep in STOMP! Seriously, they were banging trash cans clapping and making all kinds of noise... and I was falling asleep. I think that is proof enough that I am EXHAUSTED!!!!!
Today was a good day MtC. I was free, having fun on roller coasters, dancing at times, just enjoying the beautiful weather and the amazing 12 students I was with. There is something wonderful about their goofiness, their energy that gives me joy. The sunshine was so healing and amazing. There was a nice cool breeze, a perfect compliment to the warm sunshine. There was an overall lightness to the day. The spring air was fresh and invigorating. It was just a wonderful time.
I contemplated the idea of keeping my focus on Jesus. Perhaps not what most people are thinking about at Carowinds. It was Easter Sunday though and I had just blogged about keeping the focus on Him. We were having a great time, but I think God wants to be thought of and included in our fun times too!
So while walking around riding on roller coasters I was thinking about all the amazing fun things he gifted our minds to come up with. I was literally thanking him for the creativity and ingenuity He gave people to come up with the coasters. While eating I was so thankful for the delicious taste! I was thanking Him for the sun, the breeze, the laughter! I was thanking Him for the group of students and their willingness to stay together. I was thanking God for Tanya Musgrave and her willingness to come along and be with us! I was thanking God for everything. I found I was more patient, more peace filled. It was wonderful!
Today was a wonderful day! I am so thankful for FUN! For JOY! For LAUGHTER! For SILLY THINGS! For the STUDENTS!!!!!!!!
Today was a good day MtC. I was free, having fun on roller coasters, dancing at times, just enjoying the beautiful weather and the amazing 12 students I was with. There is something wonderful about their goofiness, their energy that gives me joy. The sunshine was so healing and amazing. There was a nice cool breeze, a perfect compliment to the warm sunshine. There was an overall lightness to the day. The spring air was fresh and invigorating. It was just a wonderful time.
I contemplated the idea of keeping my focus on Jesus. Perhaps not what most people are thinking about at Carowinds. It was Easter Sunday though and I had just blogged about keeping the focus on Him. We were having a great time, but I think God wants to be thought of and included in our fun times too!
So while walking around riding on roller coasters I was thinking about all the amazing fun things he gifted our minds to come up with. I was literally thanking him for the creativity and ingenuity He gave people to come up with the coasters. While eating I was so thankful for the delicious taste! I was thanking Him for the sun, the breeze, the laughter! I was thanking Him for the group of students and their willingness to stay together. I was thanking God for Tanya Musgrave and her willingness to come along and be with us! I was thanking God for everything. I found I was more patient, more peace filled. It was wonderful!
Today was a wonderful day! I am so thankful for FUN! For JOY! For LAUGHTER! For SILLY THINGS! For the STUDENTS!!!!!!!!
198- Sabbath was a busy day, busy day, busy day!
(This post is late... was falling asleep last night trying to post..)
The morning started early trying to make a french toast casserole for the kids who are here, trying to get dressed and out the door. The drama team and I ran out the door after a quick breakfast to the Sharon SDA Church where we were supposed to have SS for Juniors-Youth. We then were invited to stay for a luncheon, then we went to a nursing home with the youth department, followed by a quick practice and then a vespers program where we did everything. After the vespers we provided pizza for everyone and it doubled as a birthday party for the assistant Pastors daughter. Then home where we set up the living room with the projection unit and we watched a movie. It was a terribly long and incredibly busy day.
At one point in our very short practice everyone started getting cranky. People were snapping at each other, I was grumpy and it was not going well. After a few minutes of high stress I told everyone that were going to stop and have prayer. After prayer and asking for peace, and for God to come and be part of the process, things went much better!
I was very simply reminded how important it is to continually communicate with God. He wants to have a relationship with us were we talk with him, express our love to him and ask for his presence. We had been very busy serving, very busy, busy, busy, but we had not just stopped and spent time communicating with the reason we were serving.
The morning started early trying to make a french toast casserole for the kids who are here, trying to get dressed and out the door. The drama team and I ran out the door after a quick breakfast to the Sharon SDA Church where we were supposed to have SS for Juniors-Youth. We then were invited to stay for a luncheon, then we went to a nursing home with the youth department, followed by a quick practice and then a vespers program where we did everything. After the vespers we provided pizza for everyone and it doubled as a birthday party for the assistant Pastors daughter. Then home where we set up the living room with the projection unit and we watched a movie. It was a terribly long and incredibly busy day.
At one point in our very short practice everyone started getting cranky. People were snapping at each other, I was grumpy and it was not going well. After a few minutes of high stress I told everyone that were going to stop and have prayer. After prayer and asking for peace, and for God to come and be part of the process, things went much better!
I was very simply reminded how important it is to continually communicate with God. He wants to have a relationship with us were we talk with him, express our love to him and ask for his presence. We had been very busy serving, very busy, busy, busy, but we had not just stopped and spent time communicating with the reason we were serving.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
197- Blessed and Thankful
Tonight as the drama team sat around our living room during worship we all shared something we were thankful for and how someone had blessed us today. It was remarkable to hear how the Lord had blessed each of us. There is always so much to be thankful for. No matter how crazy, no matter how tragic our days may be, in the midst of it all are blessings.
We spent most of the day (7:45am-3:45pm) at ACA Charlotte (the local Adventist elementary school). We had a worship for the students, then we went and purchased dessert and drink for the entire school. We passed out dessert, played dodge ball, and then came the phone call. The phone call was from one of the pastors at the church. I could tell by his voice it wasn't good. Something was very wrong. At first I am thinking, has one of my students done something terrible?....No they have been with me the entire time.... could old issues come up and now they don't need us?....how am I going to handle the criticism?.... All of this is going through my head while he has a couple pauses trying to tell me what is wrong. Then he finally gets it out. One of their church members, the man who was to play Jesus in their play, right before communion tonight, committed suicide last night. The pastor was calling to ask if there was any way we could help out with a student who could play Jesus. He wasn't sure if they were even going to continue, He wasn't sure if they would want a replacement, but he was just wondering if it might be an option. I told him, that we would wait around after school until they had a chance to figure things out and we would help out in anyway possible or with anything needed.
I got off the phone and was sad by the fact that I was relieved. I was relieved that it wasn't something we had done, relieved it wasn't about me. I was sad that my own personal (C) was first and foremost in my mind. I quickly let it go and remembered why I want to keep struggling along on this path. When we are consumed with self, then we are unable to be His hands the way He would like for us to be. If we are consumed with good in ourselves, we are not looking to Him, if we are consumed with the bad, the (C) in our lives then we are not looking to Him! Bottom line, we need our eyes to be on Christ. We need our focus to be on him!
On this holiday weekend while I am focusing on the incredible gift that he gave me, what a perfect time to practice keeping my focus on Him! Let it all be about Him! I want to see thing blessings, I want to see all the many things I have to be thankful for! I want to see HIM!!!!
We ended up at the church most of the afternoon, helping to decorate, steaming table clothes, anchoring crosses into the floor, vacuuming and much more. Then we were finally told they had someone to play Jesus, but they now needed someone to play another part, and they asked if we were willing. We agreed and headed out the door.
As it turned out we had one of our students go back into the church with Chris, and then come right home. We were just all too exhausted with skits that needed to be practiced and so much more for tomorrow.
Today, this drama team the best I have ever seen them. They came together, put out some powerful original work, and connected with students.
What a wonderful and full day it was. I am going to bed blessed and thankful!
We spent most of the day (7:45am-3:45pm) at ACA Charlotte (the local Adventist elementary school). We had a worship for the students, then we went and purchased dessert and drink for the entire school. We passed out dessert, played dodge ball, and then came the phone call. The phone call was from one of the pastors at the church. I could tell by his voice it wasn't good. Something was very wrong. At first I am thinking, has one of my students done something terrible?....No they have been with me the entire time.... could old issues come up and now they don't need us?....how am I going to handle the criticism?.... All of this is going through my head while he has a couple pauses trying to tell me what is wrong. Then he finally gets it out. One of their church members, the man who was to play Jesus in their play, right before communion tonight, committed suicide last night. The pastor was calling to ask if there was any way we could help out with a student who could play Jesus. He wasn't sure if they were even going to continue, He wasn't sure if they would want a replacement, but he was just wondering if it might be an option. I told him, that we would wait around after school until they had a chance to figure things out and we would help out in anyway possible or with anything needed.
I got off the phone and was sad by the fact that I was relieved. I was relieved that it wasn't something we had done, relieved it wasn't about me. I was sad that my own personal (C) was first and foremost in my mind. I quickly let it go and remembered why I want to keep struggling along on this path. When we are consumed with self, then we are unable to be His hands the way He would like for us to be. If we are consumed with good in ourselves, we are not looking to Him, if we are consumed with the bad, the (C) in our lives then we are not looking to Him! Bottom line, we need our eyes to be on Christ. We need our focus to be on him!
On this holiday weekend while I am focusing on the incredible gift that he gave me, what a perfect time to practice keeping my focus on Him! Let it all be about Him! I want to see thing blessings, I want to see all the many things I have to be thankful for! I want to see HIM!!!!
We ended up at the church most of the afternoon, helping to decorate, steaming table clothes, anchoring crosses into the floor, vacuuming and much more. Then we were finally told they had someone to play Jesus, but they now needed someone to play another part, and they asked if we were willing. We agreed and headed out the door.
As it turned out we had one of our students go back into the church with Chris, and then come right home. We were just all too exhausted with skits that needed to be practiced and so much more for tomorrow.
Today, this drama team the best I have ever seen them. They came together, put out some powerful original work, and connected with students.
What a wonderful and full day it was. I am going to bed blessed and thankful!
Thursday, April 5, 2012
196 -19 hours and counting
I have now been up for 19 hours and counting. My alarm went off at 4 am and I am just now getting the opportunity to settle down and possibly go to sleep. I am exhausted as you can imagine so I will keep this brief.
I have spent the entire day with the MPA drama team. We have performed, traveled, had relationship issues, but mostly just good times. I am looking forward to the next several days together.
I have had moments when I struggled with feelings of inadequacy when trying to fit 12 students into our home. I wish I was a better house keeper and organizer. It is those moments when I fought with (C) that says I'm not enough.
Then this evening we were trying practice a skit that was all about people being who God created them to be. It was about being free to be you, and that is what honors God. To many times we take on what other people are, we become mimickers. I don't want to mimic. I am not particular about some things, I would rather have the living room full of instruments, students learning to praise God together than it look nice. I would rather let them all be together and enjoy their time than to spread them out and around in other homes. So then I need to be happy with just that! I am thrilled to have them here.
Tonight I am letting go of the (C) that says my home is not enough. I am letting go of the (C) that says I don't do enough and focus on what Christ wants me to be doing. My focus is going to be on who I need to be. Please pray for us. This will be quite a tour. Pray that God gives me wisdom to support, lead, and love this group of students. What a huge responsibility.
I have spent the entire day with the MPA drama team. We have performed, traveled, had relationship issues, but mostly just good times. I am looking forward to the next several days together.
I have had moments when I struggled with feelings of inadequacy when trying to fit 12 students into our home. I wish I was a better house keeper and organizer. It is those moments when I fought with (C) that says I'm not enough.
Then this evening we were trying practice a skit that was all about people being who God created them to be. It was about being free to be you, and that is what honors God. To many times we take on what other people are, we become mimickers. I don't want to mimic. I am not particular about some things, I would rather have the living room full of instruments, students learning to praise God together than it look nice. I would rather let them all be together and enjoy their time than to spread them out and around in other homes. So then I need to be happy with just that! I am thrilled to have them here.
Tonight I am letting go of the (C) that says my home is not enough. I am letting go of the (C) that says I don't do enough and focus on what Christ wants me to be doing. My focus is going to be on who I need to be. Please pray for us. This will be quite a tour. Pray that God gives me wisdom to support, lead, and love this group of students. What a huge responsibility.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
195 Seeking
Today has been a day of seeking grace, seeking strength, speaking peace in the midst of the storm. I left the house in plenty of time to get to work at a decent hour, and then discovered that the freeway was closed, not just backed up, it is closed. We all, in a very long line of vehicles, were set out to meander through the country side for a good 45 minutes. All in all it took me an hour longer to get to work than expected! I stopped by SAMs to pick up some pictures I had ordered of my grandmothers house that she has been begging me for....check one thing off the list, right? Nope after seeing the pictures she asked for copies and pictures of the outside with all her blooming azaleas. So I headed outside to take pictures with my phone, off to the office, up load them to SAMs and order pictures. Then off to lunch, I get an email from the chaplain with info he wanted in a program that has already gone to press. Ergggg. Then a not so lovely email from a coworker. Then trying to get things ready for the trip. Called the printer and was told we could reupload the file. Then spent to much time trying to fit in the new info, resave etc. Then realized the finance people have left and I need money for the tour that starts tomorrow......and so on and so forth....(finance guy did come back and take care of things). That isn't the half of it....
Peace. Yep I'm asking a lot! Yet peace is what he promises! At one point today I just closed my eyes and imagined his face. Not the story book picture or even Him in all the paintings I have seen, but just Him. My own version, my own picture. I imagined His eyes. Ahhh moments of peace. I listened to a recording of Anna singing a song in church...Ahhhhh. I said a prayer, I put my feet up on the desk leaned back and imagined a field of bright red poppies, the result of burying all the Crap I could have picked up today! It wasn't exactly a restful day, but there were wonderful moments of peace that carried me. Lunch with Beth and Rick where we talked of our kids :)! Phone calls of encouragement from friends, and imagining that field of poppies!!!!
Peace. Yep I'm asking a lot! Yet peace is what he promises! At one point today I just closed my eyes and imagined his face. Not the story book picture or even Him in all the paintings I have seen, but just Him. My own version, my own picture. I imagined His eyes. Ahhh moments of peace. I listened to a recording of Anna singing a song in church...Ahhhhh. I said a prayer, I put my feet up on the desk leaned back and imagined a field of bright red poppies, the result of burying all the Crap I could have picked up today! It wasn't exactly a restful day, but there were wonderful moments of peace that carried me. Lunch with Beth and Rick where we talked of our kids :)! Phone calls of encouragement from friends, and imagining that field of poppies!!!!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Post number 194---I'm on track!
I have gotten out of the habit of counting the days and decided today to count, and calculate etc. I was surprised to discover that I am more than half way through this process. That is hard to believe. I have been doing this everyday for more than 6 months. Second, I was also surprised that I am on track. I twice posted two days in one that takes me from the 191 posts to exactly the 193 posts needed to = one post for everyday since Sept. 23. For the girl who has always believed (C) that I don't finish anything, that I don't stick to anything this is pretty impressive. I'm proud of me. Perhaps sadly I was surprised. Sadly even after 192 posts, after sticking with it, I was surprised at the evidence proving I have been doing it. Faithfully.
The (Crap) that I have believed for a lifetime is hard to let go of. It sticks around and even when there is proof to the contrary I often have a hard time seeing it or believing it! My first reaction is to say this is a silly process. I mean after all I have been doing this for six months and I know I have been doing it everyday and I am still surprised. Yet I will say this, just moments ago when I first realized I was surprised by the consistency I also was aware of how ridiculous being surprised was and I was also able to identify what lies (pun intended) beneath the surprise... (C). Chris suggested that perhaps I needed a good scrub down, (setting aside the obvious inappropriateness of his comment), there is truth to what he suggests. There is a difference between fresh (C) and old been hanging onto, and cherished (C). The fresh (C) rinses off easily. But the old (C), the (C) I have been holding onto for most of my life, is not as easily washed off. It perhaps takes a good scrubbing.
Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand. Isaiah 64:8
He is shaping me, he is chiseling away at the (C) that has been around for so long. He is little by little and some days in huge chunks getting rid of the (C) that needs to go. Tonight I felt affirmed when the truth was revealed. Tonight I am accepting the truth and I am sitting still while he chisels away at more of the calcified (C) that needs to go!
Sitting still, is an important element. I have spent way to much time in my life running around like a crazy woman, trying to do everything and anything, frankly in an effort to avoid the truth, to avoid the process of letting God do the work he needs. So I'm trying to sit still, to quietly listen, to learn and to trust in His process. Be still and experience Him! Be still and take the time to soak Him in.
Today in the book Jesus Calling it reads, "Your capacity to experience Me is increasing, through My removal of debris and clutter from your heart. As your yearning for Me increases, other desires are gradually lessening." That right there is the reason for doing this for the past 193 days. This is the reason for sitting still even when it is scary. The more he scrubs off the crap the more free I am to love Him, the more free I am to love others. I do want to live my life clinging to Him, holding on to all things good! I want to increase my capacity to hold on to Him by letting go of the (C).
2 Corinthians 9:8 And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work
The (Crap) that I have believed for a lifetime is hard to let go of. It sticks around and even when there is proof to the contrary I often have a hard time seeing it or believing it! My first reaction is to say this is a silly process. I mean after all I have been doing this for six months and I know I have been doing it everyday and I am still surprised. Yet I will say this, just moments ago when I first realized I was surprised by the consistency I also was aware of how ridiculous being surprised was and I was also able to identify what lies (pun intended) beneath the surprise... (C). Chris suggested that perhaps I needed a good scrub down, (setting aside the obvious inappropriateness of his comment), there is truth to what he suggests. There is a difference between fresh (C) and old been hanging onto, and cherished (C). The fresh (C) rinses off easily. But the old (C), the (C) I have been holding onto for most of my life, is not as easily washed off. It perhaps takes a good scrubbing.
Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand. Isaiah 64:8
He is shaping me, he is chiseling away at the (C) that has been around for so long. He is little by little and some days in huge chunks getting rid of the (C) that needs to go. Tonight I felt affirmed when the truth was revealed. Tonight I am accepting the truth and I am sitting still while he chisels away at more of the calcified (C) that needs to go!
Sitting still, is an important element. I have spent way to much time in my life running around like a crazy woman, trying to do everything and anything, frankly in an effort to avoid the truth, to avoid the process of letting God do the work he needs. So I'm trying to sit still, to quietly listen, to learn and to trust in His process. Be still and experience Him! Be still and take the time to soak Him in.
Today in the book Jesus Calling it reads, "Your capacity to experience Me is increasing, through My removal of debris and clutter from your heart. As your yearning for Me increases, other desires are gradually lessening." That right there is the reason for doing this for the past 193 days. This is the reason for sitting still even when it is scary. The more he scrubs off the crap the more free I am to love Him, the more free I am to love others. I do want to live my life clinging to Him, holding on to all things good! I want to increase my capacity to hold on to Him by letting go of the (C).
2 Corinthians 9:8 And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work
Monday, April 2, 2012
Monday, a good one!
I have been sitting here for several minutes trying to figure out how and what to blog about tonight. Today has been all about working on school projects. Being at home provides uninterrupted time. I have to admit I am at least getting things accomplished. I don't want to talk about work. I wish I hadn't led with it. (Almost started deleting it and starting over) I don't want it to be the focus of my day, the focus of this blog. I personally have enjoyed a quiet day. A day where the noise was coming from the tapping on the computer as I worked. A day where it was quiet enough to hear thoughts. Thoughts that for the most part were peaceful, for the most part (C) free. It was a day were I can honestly say, I had "peace that passes all understanding" you know the kind of peace that doesn't make sense. When, those moments of stress started to creep in I kept prayerfully asking for peace.
I thank God for providing that peace. For helping me to experience a day of calm. It was much needed. The best thing about today was the ability to rest and experience peace while getting things accomplished. Most of the time when I am experiencing rest, I am at the same time feeling guilty for doing nothing. Yesterdays devotional talking about finding and experiencing God while in the midst of it all was a blessing for me today too! I kept focusing on the rest while working with unwavering focus.
It was a wonderful Monday, a wonderful day period!
I thank God for providing that peace. For helping me to experience a day of calm. It was much needed. The best thing about today was the ability to rest and experience peace while getting things accomplished. Most of the time when I am experiencing rest, I am at the same time feeling guilty for doing nothing. Yesterdays devotional talking about finding and experiencing God while in the midst of it all was a blessing for me today too! I kept focusing on the rest while working with unwavering focus.
It was a wonderful Monday, a wonderful day period!
Sunday... a day of work :)
This morning I woke up with lists and deadlines running through my head. It was 7 am on a Sunday morning and all I could think about was work and lists. I intentionally stirred very loudly - I really wanted to talk through my lists. I wanted Chris to wake up. (I realize how hateful that sounds, and he is so undeserving of my hatefulness!) So after several loud sighs and getting up to use the bathroom twice, he awoke and asked me how I was. I started rattling off my lists. All the things that had to get done NOW!
He was calm and kind, and suggested we get up and have some coffee. To be exact he asked if I would like to get up, go to the living room and start working while he made me coffee! What a man!!!!!!!
We did. I started right off working on Anna's graduation invitations. By 9:30 or so they were done. Then on to Alumni program, and other work projects.
I would like to say I was just so busy that I didn't struggle with (C). For the most part that is true, but I have to be honest, this being behind, really takes a toll on me. I want to give up and retreat, instead of get motivated, and just the fact that I want to do nothing is fuel for (C) that I think about myself. Things I have mentioned before like being lazy, etc.
Several of you sent me encouraging comments after yesterdays post and I really appreciate it! Then this morning I received an email from Lynn. She suggested I read a devotional thought for today in the book, "Jesus Calling". Amazingly it was sitting right beside us, so I read it. Chris and I chuckled and he agreed it was absolutely a God given message for me today!!!! What a wonderful thing when that happens! So here it is.
"I am calling you to a life of constant communion with Me. Basic training includes learning to live above your circumstances, even while interacting in that cluttered plane of life. (Even while struggling with (C)) You yearn for a simplified lifestyle, so that your communication with Me can be uninterrupted. But I challenge you to relinquish that fantasy of an uncluttered world. Accept each day just as it comes, and find Me in the midst of it all. Talk with Me about every aspect of your day, including your feelings. Remember that your ultimate goal is not to control or fix everything around you; it is to keep communing with Me. A successful day is one in which you have stayed in touch with Me, even if many things remain undone at the end of the day. Do not let your to-do list (written or mental) become an idol directing your life. Instead, ask My Spirit to guide you moment by moment. He will keep you close to Me. 1 Thessalonians 5:17; Proverbs 3:6"
What an incredible incredible devotional this was for me today! I didn't stop working, I didn't succumb to my desire to retreat and be lazy because I was overwhelmed. I didn't use it as an excuse to do nothing, but I did take moments to be just quiet and bask. Several times today as Chris and I sat beside each other working on our computers I caught him looking at me, watching me and grinning. Each time it was a wonderful moment. Then about the third time he did it, I had just been thinking about how much I still needed to do, when I caught he gaze It reminded me of this devotional. I could just imagine God looking at me, with a grin on his face, eyes full of love, and Him saying, "Calm down, think of me."
So I practiced that today. While working, while going about my very busy day, in the midst of it all, thinking of Him!!!! I can say it was a wonderful day! Busy, yes! Yet surprisingly enjoyable just the same!
He was calm and kind, and suggested we get up and have some coffee. To be exact he asked if I would like to get up, go to the living room and start working while he made me coffee! What a man!!!!!!!
We did. I started right off working on Anna's graduation invitations. By 9:30 or so they were done. Then on to Alumni program, and other work projects.
I would like to say I was just so busy that I didn't struggle with (C). For the most part that is true, but I have to be honest, this being behind, really takes a toll on me. I want to give up and retreat, instead of get motivated, and just the fact that I want to do nothing is fuel for (C) that I think about myself. Things I have mentioned before like being lazy, etc.
Several of you sent me encouraging comments after yesterdays post and I really appreciate it! Then this morning I received an email from Lynn. She suggested I read a devotional thought for today in the book, "Jesus Calling". Amazingly it was sitting right beside us, so I read it. Chris and I chuckled and he agreed it was absolutely a God given message for me today!!!! What a wonderful thing when that happens! So here it is.
"I am calling you to a life of constant communion with Me. Basic training includes learning to live above your circumstances, even while interacting in that cluttered plane of life. (Even while struggling with (C)) You yearn for a simplified lifestyle, so that your communication with Me can be uninterrupted. But I challenge you to relinquish that fantasy of an uncluttered world. Accept each day just as it comes, and find Me in the midst of it all. Talk with Me about every aspect of your day, including your feelings. Remember that your ultimate goal is not to control or fix everything around you; it is to keep communing with Me. A successful day is one in which you have stayed in touch with Me, even if many things remain undone at the end of the day. Do not let your to-do list (written or mental) become an idol directing your life. Instead, ask My Spirit to guide you moment by moment. He will keep you close to Me. 1 Thessalonians 5:17; Proverbs 3:6"
What an incredible incredible devotional this was for me today! I didn't stop working, I didn't succumb to my desire to retreat and be lazy because I was overwhelmed. I didn't use it as an excuse to do nothing, but I did take moments to be just quiet and bask. Several times today as Chris and I sat beside each other working on our computers I caught him looking at me, watching me and grinning. Each time it was a wonderful moment. Then about the third time he did it, I had just been thinking about how much I still needed to do, when I caught he gaze It reminded me of this devotional. I could just imagine God looking at me, with a grin on his face, eyes full of love, and Him saying, "Calm down, think of me."
So I practiced that today. While working, while going about my very busy day, in the midst of it all, thinking of Him!!!! I can say it was a wonderful day! Busy, yes! Yet surprisingly enjoyable just the same!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Sabbath.... is a happy day!
It is 11:32 and I am finally sitting at home where it is quiet. This day has been so long and I am so tired that tonight I am going to just list the (C) I struggled with and the blessings too!
Blessing: woken up by a loving husband
(C): struggled to decide what to wear, I always feel more comfortable in nice dress slacks, not a fan of skirts. I struggled with feeling fat, struggled with wishing I was an effortless feminine woman who could just throw on any skirt and a top and look beautiful. (So much more (C) about how I looked, just too much to list!)
Blessing: My husband rode with me to church, I didn't have to drive that huge shuttle all by myself. Had a moment while he was driving, I was admiring him.... had the thought, "He choose me!"
(C) Consumed with worry, worry about how the kids music would be received, worry about their lines, worry about the time etc. Way to much (C).
Blessing: Chris agreed that if we went long and interrupted Sabbath school it wouldn't be the end of the world. It helped to set down or wash off a lot of (C).
Blessing: The students were at church on time, dressed beautifully bow ties and all.
Blessing: First Service went well, the students did a great job and we were done at 9:45, a few minutes early!
Blessing: Sabbath school,
Blessing: Second service went very well! I was so proud of the kids, they are terrific! It wasn't perfect, but I was blessed!
(C): A church member came up to me after the service and wanted to know...(in a critical tone).. why that (pointing) student wears a hat in the sanctuary. He points to one of my students with a knit cap on, the cap he put on for the roll he was playing just moments earlier. I just pretended to act like it was no big deal, as I said, "it was for the skit". Change the subject. I then struggled with feeling bad I had not told him to take it off, I felt bad I had not thought of it. Then I thought about the skit we had just done, the one where he was wearing a knit cap, with two messages one, don't judge people by what they wear and second stop preaching and start helping! I looked at my student in his knit cap and he was working to pack up instruments, and move things out to our shuttle. I know he was not trying to be disrespectful, he was not rebelling, he was serving and doing his best to praise God and worship him! So I said nothing to him.
Blessing: having a house full of friends and students
Blessing: made it home safe and sound after driving the students back to Pisgah.
Blessing: A text from Joanne!
Happy Sabbath Everyone!
Blessing: woken up by a loving husband
(C): struggled to decide what to wear, I always feel more comfortable in nice dress slacks, not a fan of skirts. I struggled with feeling fat, struggled with wishing I was an effortless feminine woman who could just throw on any skirt and a top and look beautiful. (So much more (C) about how I looked, just too much to list!)
Blessing: My husband rode with me to church, I didn't have to drive that huge shuttle all by myself. Had a moment while he was driving, I was admiring him.... had the thought, "He choose me!"
(C) Consumed with worry, worry about how the kids music would be received, worry about their lines, worry about the time etc. Way to much (C).
Blessing: Chris agreed that if we went long and interrupted Sabbath school it wouldn't be the end of the world. It helped to set down or wash off a lot of (C).
Blessing: The students were at church on time, dressed beautifully bow ties and all.
Blessing: First Service went well, the students did a great job and we were done at 9:45, a few minutes early!
Blessing: Sabbath school,
Blessing: Second service went very well! I was so proud of the kids, they are terrific! It wasn't perfect, but I was blessed!
(C): A church member came up to me after the service and wanted to know...(in a critical tone).. why that (pointing) student wears a hat in the sanctuary. He points to one of my students with a knit cap on, the cap he put on for the roll he was playing just moments earlier. I just pretended to act like it was no big deal, as I said, "it was for the skit". Change the subject. I then struggled with feeling bad I had not told him to take it off, I felt bad I had not thought of it. Then I thought about the skit we had just done, the one where he was wearing a knit cap, with two messages one, don't judge people by what they wear and second stop preaching and start helping! I looked at my student in his knit cap and he was working to pack up instruments, and move things out to our shuttle. I know he was not trying to be disrespectful, he was not rebelling, he was serving and doing his best to praise God and worship him! So I said nothing to him.
Blessing: having a house full of friends and students
Blessing: made it home safe and sound after driving the students back to Pisgah.
Blessing: A text from Joanne!
Happy Sabbath Everyone!
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