I am back at my computer, back in Asheville, almost home again. The last several days my blog has been done an my new Ipad! I have very much appreciated not having to lug the computer around however, it is not easy writing on the Ipad.
This past weekend has been quite the experience. Traveling out to Seattle I felt almost attacked by all the (C) I have ever struggled with. I fought feelings of inadequacy, I questioned my ability to share something of substance. I struggled with insecurities about what I was wearing, or not wearing. As hard as I tried nothing seemed to come together. On the plane ride out I was so crippled with doubt, and fear, I copped out and watched two movies. (Well I slept through most of them!) I read some scripture, and prayed constantly but the (C) was almost oppressive! Nothing seemed to go as planned. I was wearing comfortable travel clothes, a light sweater and hair in a pony tail. (I was NOT cute!) I planned the last flight to get up go to the bathroom, put on make up and try to look presentable so I didn't scare Cheri when she picked me up. The last leg of the trip I was deep in conversation with the most interesting two ladies! They were delightful, one full of struggles, one a young counselor and pastors wife. Both were fascinating and the conversation uplifting. I certainly didn't want to get up to go put on make up and miss out on this conversation. It seemed the right choice until I was standing on the curb waiting for Cheri to pick me up. Then I was fighting the (C) again. I was wishing I had found the time in my day to gussy up a bit.
When Cheri arrives to pick me up there is another lady in the car with her.... REALLY! I had literally been standing there on the curb telling myself at least it is your sister in law, picking you up not a total stranger...
The woman turned out to be a pastors wife and though we just had a brief conversation in the car it was incredibly uplifting. She was a woman I could so enjoy spending time with. She was smart, beautiful, and we seemed to get each others point of view. It was a wonderful ride (at least the parts where I wasn't thinking about my hair style or the lack there of!)
I think you get the picture. Even while I was speaking, sharing with the woman about letting go of the (C) I was doubting myself! It was as if the devil was screaming, screaming in my ear!!! Or as if there was a vat of crap and I was sitting in it!
I even struggled today. I struggled with second guessing what I said, second guessing my topic, my ending, etc etc.
Then today, before boarding the flight from Seattle to Baltimore, I had a great conversation with a teacher and then a conversation with a beautiful, put together woman. In the conversation she asked what I had been doing in Seattle, I told her and she asked about the topic. I told her about the blog and she wanted the address. Just a random woman in the airport. Then on the plane. I sit between two woman. One was terribly sick, coughing and moaning. She was very sick! The other woman and I started talking. We shared our life stories. At one point we discovered that we both had connections with the Adventist Church. It was again the most uplifting conversation! We just really enjoyed it. We talked for most of the 5 hours. It helped the time fly by. (hehehe)
Sitting on the last flight of the day, I was quiet and looking out the window at lights and pondering this trip. How is it possible that I would be so consumed with (C) when the whole experience had been so full of blessings?!? I had wonderful conversations, was treated like a queen by Cheri (my sister!), I ate delicious healthy food the entire time! So many of you were sending me texts of encouragement, love and prayers all weekend!!! The list of blessings, and beautiful experiences is huge! How can I live in this reality filled with blessings and amazing experiences and still battle with so much (C)?
Tonight I am calling it what it is!!!! (C) Tonight I am thanking God for the incredible list of blessings! I am thankful for the amazing people I met, and the amazing stories I heard. Tonight I am happy to be back in Asheville, looking forward to a good night sleep and start a crazy day of work.
Most importantly tonight I am going to sleep with the knowledge that HE who has begun (not finished) a great work in me will be faithful to complete it!!!!
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