Today is one of my least favorite work days of the year. Today was the day I pass out acceptance letters and rejection letters for the students who applied to be on my summer recruiting team. I love the process of picking a team: the prayer, looking at their strengths and weaknesses, and working to find the prefect combination of personalities. However, the day I have to pass out the letters I hate!!! I feel like the bachelor, having to break up and purpose all in one day! On one hand I can't wait to celebrate with my new team, and on the other hand I know I am disappointing wonderful human beings whom I love!
I have carried around a lot of disappointment (C) in my life. I don't like others being disappointed, I don't like disappointment so I prepare myself by expecting the worst possible out come. What a terrible way to live. I come across to most who know me as being optimistic, and I am; however with things I have no control over I plan for the worst. I have often contemplated this pile of (C), wondering what it is that makes this emotion of disappointment so difficult for me. I'm not sure. I have been disappointed a lot, but haven't we all. Life is full of it. I have also had huge surprises and blessings beyond measure. So what is the big deal for me about disappointment?
Today, as I ran from the school, tried to hide, dreaded running into any of the students I had rejected, planned my speeches if I did run into them, today I decided that disappointment or my fear of it is (C)! Complete and disgusting (C). There is something I am afraid of. There is some reason why it is so difficult for me and I don't know why but maybe I don't need to know why. Perhaps trying to figure it out is as ridiculous as trying to figure out what in the (C) is making it stink. I am going to let the (C) go. Accept that disappointment is no different than being sad, happy, sappy, or mad. It is an emotion, and I don't need to be afraid of it, or run from it or try to avoid it. I am going to find something I desire, or something I hope for and I am going to hope fully, desire it with deep longing and allow myself to be open to disappointment.
Disappointment is not the (C) it is the fear of it! I don't want to live with fear, but trust God to carry me through the disappointments in my life. Trust God to open doors for the students who received rejection letters! Bye bye... fear of disappointment! I have carried you around way too long!!!
Another day of attempting to live MtC!
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