Monday, May 28, 2012
247- Food for soul
For me , food for soul is music! today as I was frantically leaving for campmeeting and one of the most hectic weeks of the year, I was struggling. I felt ashamed of how much I didn't know about the day!!!! And on and on.... ( I'm having to write on my IPad with no key board so this will be short and to the point! As I left the house in a state of crazy I noticed a Facebook notification. It told me I had a post from Kim. She shared a song. I listened to it 3 times before it started to do the work needed for my soul. Then again tonight in a moment of stress an amazing song ministered to my soul. An incredibly important part of living MtC is to feed the soul with music that draws us to the savior! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_l-B4ZhLJ0&sns=em
Enjoy... I hope it blesses you too! Thanks so much to Kim!!!!
246- Living MtC
Wow is the best way to describe today... Sabbaths are always special. Today however was one I will never forget! Today was about really living free! After a wonderful sabbath at church we were home early and free to nap. I love Sabbath afternoon naps. There is something to napping on a day when you have dressed up for church, that is so much more fun than napping say on a sunday when I am still in my pj,s at 2 in the afternoon. There is also something incredibly restful when you don't feel guilty for not getting something done... Anyway I'm sure you get the picture! After an absolutely perfect nap, Chris and I decided to go out on our maiden 2-up..... Or something like that. (I'm far from understanding motorcycleeze). So we took out my brand new helmet and headed out on our first ride.
Now I grew up riding motor cycles. I'm not afraid of them, however I am fully aware of the dangers. We have all heard the stories, many of us have known someone who died riding. You don't have to tell me the stories...I'm aware. I Won't go into all the reasons why Chris got a bike...that is his to tell, however let's just say it had a lot to do with living, really living. So today as I climbed on the back of his bike, I kept thinking about really living and what that means. As I chatted with Chris, going down the road, the wind in my hair....well the part below the helmet, hearing the sound of the motor, I kept fear captive and relished in every moment instead of fear. I was living!
God is love.... Perfect love casts out fear.... So life with love is life without fear.
Friday, May 25, 2012
245- Learning to Ask
I have addressed this topic before, obviously I'm not done with it yet...
In the last couple days I have been facing situations where if I did what was best for the situation or for me I would ask for help, but I HATE asking, or even accepting help!!!!!!!
On Wed. it was letting Andrew and Becca go and do the graduation for me.
Today, well today was even worse. Today, I awoke at 5 a.m. stressing about the fact that I had forgotten to get a check for the recruiting team. Because Monday is a holiday, if I didn't get money in the bank today, I would not have access to funds until Wed. I realize there are many ways to handle this, most of which involve credit cards or using personal funds, however too many times it ends up I don't get the money back as planned and we end up funding the program. To honor my husband, to honor my family, I needed to figure out a way to get the money in the account. So I got up and wrote an email to Kevin (the business manager for the school), and marked it urgent. I was asking if he might be willing to write me a check, and (here is the kicker) deposit it into my bank for me.... before two. It was killing me to ask, I hated every second, but I knew for my family I must!!!!! An hour or three later he sent me a reply which said he did not want to go to the bank for me.
I completely understand, I wouldn't want to either! I'm glad he didn't feel obligated to do it, I was glad he stood up and said no! On the other hand, there was no way I could ask anyone else. It took so much to ask him and look how well that worked out. Then I decided to text Andrew and see if he would be back in town early enough to deposit it for me. Much easier because he is my son! He was not sure when he would be in town but assured me he would call, if they were in town early enough. I was going to leave it at that. Then that nagging little voice, "why don't you try someone else?" I didn't want to. I started arguing with the voice, telling it all the reasons why this was my fault, how I needed to face the consequences. This conversation turned into a prayer/argument. I would say things to God about myself that were shaming, then he would make it so clear what I was doing. The out come was that I needed to accept that- at this moment- I needed help. For whatever the reason, I needed help. So I prayed about it, looked in the phone book on my phone and called a former student, McKennan. I'm honestly not sure why I went to his name except that perhaps God was leading. It was also a little easier because he is my son's room mate in college, you know that almost makes him my son too! So I called, shared my need and I hear him talking to his mother. Great!!! I was hoping to call a college kid, with nothing better to do on a Friday afternoon, (since it is vacation time), than to run around town and make a deposit for me. I didn't want to take up valuable Friday afternoon time from an adult! Again I wanted to minimize my need, tell him not to worry, it wasn't that important, but before I could he assured me they could do it. I had to fight back the tears. What a blessing when someone helps you. What blessing comes when we are willing to be vulnerable enough to ask!!!!!
There is no glory, no strength in being to proud, or to ashamed to ask for help. There is no benefit, to myself or those around me. I am so thankful Kevin said no. If he hadn't I would not have had that conversation with God. I would not have had the struggle that led to the beauty of being vulnerable. In Brene' Browns book she talks a lot about being vulnerable and the strength in that! Today I had to let go of shame, and be willing to put out my need. It wasn't easy but the benefits were great! Kevin did get the checks to McKennan and all were deposited before two so we will have funds tomorrow!
A huge thank you to Kevin, McKennan, Mrs. Cook, and God for taking me through this exercise.
One other huge thing happened today! I bought a motorcycle helmet. Chris has had a bike for several months and I have not yet been riding with him! He just got his permanent license this past week, so he is eager for us to go on a ride together. I needed a helmet. Now, I am not afraid to ride, in fact, I'm excited. I hope one day to have my own bike. I however dreaded going to look for a helmet. Why.... well.....I have always loved making fun of ugly strange people who ride motor cycles. I have made fun of fat couples, of weirdly dressed couples, you know the ones who match each other, then there are the chaps, the helmets with pony tails attached and many many other fun to make fun of people on motorcycles. Well, like everyone else, (I'm sure) I want to be that girl on the commercial who is wearing this amazing Pink and black suit and helmet, driving like a maniac and when she stops she takes off her helmet and her amazing hair falls out, it is glistening in the sun, she is a beauty to behold, a contrast of strength and grace, of toughness and femininity! Oh forget it, she is just hot!!!! Yep that is who I want to be. I dreaded going to the stores today, because I know, with my wildest imagination I can't get there. I have gray hair, am over weight, big chubby cheeks (that are pressed into my eyes in most helmets), yep lets face it.... I'm one of those people I have laughed at!!!!! Yet I want to ride more than I want my (C) to keep me home. So today after making the call for help, (which took a lot out of me), I had to muster the strength, met Chris and we headed to a motorcycle store!
This large and lovely girl, was able to let go of (C) and have fun with her man. I looked at crazy helmets, red helmets, pink helmets, and plain black helmets. We laughed, flirted, and I came away with a white helmet that I plan on "dressing up".
It was a fun day, a day with my man, a day with lots of laughter, a day of letting go, a day of being vulnerable, a day of confessing and wishing I had not made fun of all those people, a day when I made a very important decision......
The back of my helmet will soon say.....
In the last couple days I have been facing situations where if I did what was best for the situation or for me I would ask for help, but I HATE asking, or even accepting help!!!!!!!
On Wed. it was letting Andrew and Becca go and do the graduation for me.
Today, well today was even worse. Today, I awoke at 5 a.m. stressing about the fact that I had forgotten to get a check for the recruiting team. Because Monday is a holiday, if I didn't get money in the bank today, I would not have access to funds until Wed. I realize there are many ways to handle this, most of which involve credit cards or using personal funds, however too many times it ends up I don't get the money back as planned and we end up funding the program. To honor my husband, to honor my family, I needed to figure out a way to get the money in the account. So I got up and wrote an email to Kevin (the business manager for the school), and marked it urgent. I was asking if he might be willing to write me a check, and (here is the kicker) deposit it into my bank for me.... before two. It was killing me to ask, I hated every second, but I knew for my family I must!!!!! An hour or three later he sent me a reply which said he did not want to go to the bank for me.
I completely understand, I wouldn't want to either! I'm glad he didn't feel obligated to do it, I was glad he stood up and said no! On the other hand, there was no way I could ask anyone else. It took so much to ask him and look how well that worked out. Then I decided to text Andrew and see if he would be back in town early enough to deposit it for me. Much easier because he is my son! He was not sure when he would be in town but assured me he would call, if they were in town early enough. I was going to leave it at that. Then that nagging little voice, "why don't you try someone else?" I didn't want to. I started arguing with the voice, telling it all the reasons why this was my fault, how I needed to face the consequences. This conversation turned into a prayer/argument. I would say things to God about myself that were shaming, then he would make it so clear what I was doing. The out come was that I needed to accept that- at this moment- I needed help. For whatever the reason, I needed help. So I prayed about it, looked in the phone book on my phone and called a former student, McKennan. I'm honestly not sure why I went to his name except that perhaps God was leading. It was also a little easier because he is my son's room mate in college, you know that almost makes him my son too! So I called, shared my need and I hear him talking to his mother. Great!!! I was hoping to call a college kid, with nothing better to do on a Friday afternoon, (since it is vacation time), than to run around town and make a deposit for me. I didn't want to take up valuable Friday afternoon time from an adult! Again I wanted to minimize my need, tell him not to worry, it wasn't that important, but before I could he assured me they could do it. I had to fight back the tears. What a blessing when someone helps you. What blessing comes when we are willing to be vulnerable enough to ask!!!!!
There is no glory, no strength in being to proud, or to ashamed to ask for help. There is no benefit, to myself or those around me. I am so thankful Kevin said no. If he hadn't I would not have had that conversation with God. I would not have had the struggle that led to the beauty of being vulnerable. In Brene' Browns book she talks a lot about being vulnerable and the strength in that! Today I had to let go of shame, and be willing to put out my need. It wasn't easy but the benefits were great! Kevin did get the checks to McKennan and all were deposited before two so we will have funds tomorrow!
A huge thank you to Kevin, McKennan, Mrs. Cook, and God for taking me through this exercise.
One other huge thing happened today! I bought a motorcycle helmet. Chris has had a bike for several months and I have not yet been riding with him! He just got his permanent license this past week, so he is eager for us to go on a ride together. I needed a helmet. Now, I am not afraid to ride, in fact, I'm excited. I hope one day to have my own bike. I however dreaded going to look for a helmet. Why.... well.....I have always loved making fun of ugly strange people who ride motor cycles. I have made fun of fat couples, of weirdly dressed couples, you know the ones who match each other, then there are the chaps, the helmets with pony tails attached and many many other fun to make fun of people on motorcycles. Well, like everyone else, (I'm sure) I want to be that girl on the commercial who is wearing this amazing Pink and black suit and helmet, driving like a maniac and when she stops she takes off her helmet and her amazing hair falls out, it is glistening in the sun, she is a beauty to behold, a contrast of strength and grace, of toughness and femininity! Oh forget it, she is just hot!!!! Yep that is who I want to be. I dreaded going to the stores today, because I know, with my wildest imagination I can't get there. I have gray hair, am over weight, big chubby cheeks (that are pressed into my eyes in most helmets), yep lets face it.... I'm one of those people I have laughed at!!!!! Yet I want to ride more than I want my (C) to keep me home. So today after making the call for help, (which took a lot out of me), I had to muster the strength, met Chris and we headed to a motorcycle store!
This large and lovely girl, was able to let go of (C) and have fun with her man. I looked at crazy helmets, red helmets, pink helmets, and plain black helmets. We laughed, flirted, and I came away with a white helmet that I plan on "dressing up".
It was a fun day, a day with my man, a day with lots of laughter, a day of letting go, a day of being vulnerable, a day of confessing and wishing I had not made fun of all those people, a day when I made a very important decision......
The back of my helmet will soon say.....
Living
MtC
Thursday, May 24, 2012
244- Took a sick day!
For several days now I have had a head ache accompanied by an upset stomach. The nausea has been the worst. Just a constant nagging upset stomach. Yesterday the light of the computer screen was just more than my head and stomach could handle. I started to blog and then decided I just needed a sick day. A day off.
I will always praise the Lord.
2 With all my heart,
I will praise the Lord.
Let all who are helpless,
listen and be glad.
3 Honor the Lord with me!
Celebrate his great name.
I will always praise the Lord.
2 With all my heart,
I will praise the Lord.
Let all who are helpless,
listen and be glad.
3 Honor the Lord with me!
Celebrate his great name.
4 I asked the Lord for help,
and he saved me
from all my fears.
5 Keep your eyes on the Lord!
You will shine like the sun
and never blush with shame.
and he saved me
from all my fears.
5 Keep your eyes on the Lord!
You will shine like the sun
and never blush with shame.
I have been enjoying the process of trying to memorize this passage of scripture. "I will always praise the Lord." Always, always, that doesn't leave room for sick days, for bum days, for days where we are overwhelmed or days where we are distracted. Always praise the Lord, is not conditional on us having feelings of praise but choosing to praise.
Today I am praising God for having my back, for putting people in my path to help me through some difficult moments. First last night I was supposed to go to Raleigh for a graduation. I was not feeling good at all. I tried to keep going but it wasn't easy. Becca offered to go to the graduation for me. Becca and Andrew drove to Raleigh, presented the scholarships and then drove to Pisgah. What a huge blessing to be able to rest at home. When Becca offered, my immediate thought was no. No I can't ask. No no no. Then I took some time, prayed about it, waded through what was (C) and what was a genuin concern. I finally came to the conclusion that I needed to be willing to let them help. I needed to take the day and rest. I needed to take a nap, to turn off the phone, to just rest. I did, and I praised God for a talented intern who is so gifted, willing and talented! I praised God for a son who was willing to go with her, to drive very late into the night.
Second, today 20 minutes before the graduation I realized the printer printed one of the scholarships twice and left one out. I was short a scholarship with just minutes to go. As I walked into the church I had an idea that required a copy machine, no one was in the office.... Oh well.... then as I enter the sanctuary there was the pastors wife, (church secretary). In a matter of minutes the crisis was fixed, and I had the scholarship needed and it looked almost exactly the same as the others, color and all! God is so good!!!!!! Even when it is our own short comings that get us into the predicament. I praised God for so much! I praise God!
"Celebrate His great name..." I love the word celebrate! I love to celebrate! I love the fellowship that comes with celebrating, I love the joy, I love the pomp and circumstance. I love celebrating. Going to graduations and passing out scholarships gives me the opportunity to celebrate with many! It is moving to see parents so proud of their children, to see students show their appreciation of their family and friends. It is fun to see how people celebrate, how the decorate, what kind of food etc. Memorizing this text, I have been contemplating how to celebrate His great name. How do you celebrate his name. What is that celebration like. The obvious is dancing around the sea of glass, on the streets of gold, singing his name. I can't wait, but here and now, how do I celebrate His great name. Tonight I am going to celebrate his great name with a prayer. I am going to praise his name in prayer this evening, but I am going to plan a party to celebrate his name. I'm thinking at Camp meeting we will have a "celebrate His great name party!" I will start planning.
I love the last art about how we will shine, and not have shame! I have spent so much of my life swimming in (C) or shame. I have felt more comfortable with (C) than shining. Becca Anderson, has been adding sparkle to our Jesus Lives T shirts. I am looking forward to literally shining. I am also looking forward to having the pep in my step, the sparkle in my eye, the joy in my heart! Exhaustion, (C), and most recently sickness has zapped so much of that out of my life. Today, thanks to some rest, some prayer, some scripture, I am ready to Celebrate, to shine, and to sparkle.
Before going to bed, I am going to go outside, and look at the sky, soak in some fresh air, and praise the Lord. He is so good! He is so faithful! He is everything!
The joy of the Lord is my strength....!!!!!!!
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
243- Best Laid Plans
This day was supposed to consist of a quick trip to Pisgah, back to Charlotte just in time for the meeting of our new pastor. However, I awoke this morning with a terrible head ache and upset stomach. I finally decided there was no way I could make the trip to Pisgah. My head was spinning, hurting and I just wanted to keep my eyes closed!
Let's just say this is going to be short, because the light of the computer is still bothering me. It has not been a fun day. I hate this head ache!!!!
Yesterday I decided to spend time today intentionally finding joy, laughter etc.... That is kind of hard when your head is hurting so badly that you just want to keep your eyes closed. So I didn't laugh but I did find quiet joy!
First I went to lunch with Chris. It was nice just talking quietly with him! I really do love that man!!!
Second, I found some things I have been needing and looking for.... I'm very happy to have one more thing off the list.
Third, was invited over to the Kendalls for dinner. What a blessing to eat a home cooked meal without having to cook it!!! It was amazing and the company was even better. I am so proud of my God children. They are turning into such amazing people! Another moment of joy!!!
Forth, my husband flirted with me!
Fifth, had a short but wonderful conversation with Sarah! Wish she was here.
Sixth, took a nap.
Seventh, hugged friends tonight at church!
Quiet yet intentional joy makers! It was a day with joy in-spite of this constant head ache.
Let's just say this is going to be short, because the light of the computer is still bothering me. It has not been a fun day. I hate this head ache!!!!
Yesterday I decided to spend time today intentionally finding joy, laughter etc.... That is kind of hard when your head is hurting so badly that you just want to keep your eyes closed. So I didn't laugh but I did find quiet joy!
First I went to lunch with Chris. It was nice just talking quietly with him! I really do love that man!!!
Second, I found some things I have been needing and looking for.... I'm very happy to have one more thing off the list.
Third, was invited over to the Kendalls for dinner. What a blessing to eat a home cooked meal without having to cook it!!! It was amazing and the company was even better. I am so proud of my God children. They are turning into such amazing people! Another moment of joy!!!
Forth, my husband flirted with me!
Fifth, had a short but wonderful conversation with Sarah! Wish she was here.
Sixth, took a nap.
Seventh, hugged friends tonight at church!
Quiet yet intentional joy makers! It was a day with joy in-spite of this constant head ache.
242- Sour Puss
I remember my grandmother telling me to stop being a sour puss. If I was ever just down, whinny, she would tell me to stop being a sour puss, no one likes a sour puss.
Tonight I had the opportunity to travel to an 8th grade graduation. For a long time I was the only one on my row, then finally a family joined me. As they came into my row, the mother looked stressed, she was ushering the entire family into their seats. They were one short and her husband ended up in the seat behind her. Sitting next to me was a little girl. I would guess her to be around 7 or 8 years of age. Then beside her were three brothers and then her mother. I turned and smiled at the little girl and NOTHING! She looked angry, or at the very least sad. So I waited a minute and asked her how she was doing. She mumbled something but the expression on her face never changed. I waited a few more minutes and then I asked her something else, again nothing. I looked at her brothers, the same face, I looked at the mother, the same face.... yep father too! They all had this frown, this look of being completely miserable. I decided it was going to be my challenge to make one of these, otherwise adorable kids, smile!!!! I tried several things, smiles, wave, etc. NOTHING! I couldn't even get them to look at me for more than a second and they just kept giving me that annoyed look.
I then wondered, why they were there. Were they a family of a graduate or just friends? I looked up to the graduates and there were two other African American girls, one was beaming with the most beautiful smile and the other was sitting up there with the same grumpy face as my entire row. It was obvious she belonged to them.
A new and already dear friend has challenged several of us to join her in memorizing Psalms 34. I was reading it this morning in several different versions trying to decide which version to memorize. Reading it over and over was such a blessing. It brought a smile to my face. I couldn't help but be happy. Reading about praising the Lord, certainly made me smile.
Tonight I couldn't help but think of my grandmother. I wanted to tell that little girl to stop being a sour puss. I also wondered what crap so permeated this family, that they lacked any joy, even a trace! This was a happy occasion after all!
I have been way to solemn faced recently! In a funny way I saw my spirit in that little girl. Not who I am but who I have been the last couple months.
So tonight, I am going to stop being a sour puss. I am going to read Psalms 34 once again, snuggle down with my man, and sing a song as I go to bed. I am going to Praise him continually, until I am exuding joy!!!! I don't want to be a sour puss, not because I want people to like me, but because I want to be someone who reflects the joy and love of my Savior!!!!!!!
Tonight I had the opportunity to travel to an 8th grade graduation. For a long time I was the only one on my row, then finally a family joined me. As they came into my row, the mother looked stressed, she was ushering the entire family into their seats. They were one short and her husband ended up in the seat behind her. Sitting next to me was a little girl. I would guess her to be around 7 or 8 years of age. Then beside her were three brothers and then her mother. I turned and smiled at the little girl and NOTHING! She looked angry, or at the very least sad. So I waited a minute and asked her how she was doing. She mumbled something but the expression on her face never changed. I waited a few more minutes and then I asked her something else, again nothing. I looked at her brothers, the same face, I looked at the mother, the same face.... yep father too! They all had this frown, this look of being completely miserable. I decided it was going to be my challenge to make one of these, otherwise adorable kids, smile!!!! I tried several things, smiles, wave, etc. NOTHING! I couldn't even get them to look at me for more than a second and they just kept giving me that annoyed look.
I then wondered, why they were there. Were they a family of a graduate or just friends? I looked up to the graduates and there were two other African American girls, one was beaming with the most beautiful smile and the other was sitting up there with the same grumpy face as my entire row. It was obvious she belonged to them.
A new and already dear friend has challenged several of us to join her in memorizing Psalms 34. I was reading it this morning in several different versions trying to decide which version to memorize. Reading it over and over was such a blessing. It brought a smile to my face. I couldn't help but be happy. Reading about praising the Lord, certainly made me smile.
Tonight I couldn't help but think of my grandmother. I wanted to tell that little girl to stop being a sour puss. I also wondered what crap so permeated this family, that they lacked any joy, even a trace! This was a happy occasion after all!
I have been way to solemn faced recently! In a funny way I saw my spirit in that little girl. Not who I am but who I have been the last couple months.
So tonight, I am going to stop being a sour puss. I am going to read Psalms 34 once again, snuggle down with my man, and sing a song as I go to bed. I am going to Praise him continually, until I am exuding joy!!!! I don't want to be a sour puss, not because I want people to like me, but because I want to be someone who reflects the joy and love of my Savior!!!!!!!
Sunday, May 20, 2012
241- The Joy of the Lord
In Nehemiah 8 :10 says, Then he said to them, “Go your way. Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and
send portions to anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy to
our Lord. And do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your
strength.”
I love this text! It is one of those texts we have known about since we were in diapers.... well almost. Perhaps one of the very first memory verses we ever learned. It is simple, it is catchy, in fact I remember singing it as a child, but I love it more for the story and the context. This group of people have just been hearing the laws of God. They are realizing their short comings, their sin. They are for the first time understanding their wretchedness. Their sorrow is huge. They are weeping and wailing. That is when Nehemiah says to them, "Alright, this is going no where. We are going to stop reading the law, I want you to go back to your camps, feast on some amazing food, drink, share with each other, make sure everyone is enjoying rich delicious food, stop the crying, experience the joy!!!!! The joy of the Lord is your strength.
Today I had the pleasure of laughing, watching students celebrate as they graduated. Today, I had a delightful lunch with my son and his girl! Today I packed up and drove home! Today was filled with joyful things. I wore my Toms (red wedges) for graduation and thought of my time shopping with Sheri in Seattle, it brought a smile to my heart! I had dinner with my husband :). I was able to hug and kiss him! :) I sooooo enjoyed the joy parts of today.
When I started this blog I had just returned from a woman of Faith conference, where they had a Christian comedian. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Laughed until I cried. I laughed until my stomach hurt. It was so therapeutic!
Today laughing, celebrating, being with people I love, watching the joy in others was also therapeutic. So many times when you are doing serious work, with purpose, when you struggle with sorrow, pain, or (C), it is easy to think laughter and doing things that are just fun or just silly are just not that important. Yet when God's children were learning about His desires, when they were understanding their shortcomings, when they were frankly learning about something that was incredibly important, when it became over whelming, they were told to party! After taking a break, after partying, then they were able to go back to the serious work, and move forward.
I have been way to sober minded for the last couple months. Obviously overwhelmed! I am ready to PARTY!!!!! to LAUGH!!!!! I looking forward to finding ways to laugh, finding things that bring great joy!!!!!!!
Today living MtC was all about joy and laughter! I am going to be intentional about laughing, partying, finding joy!!!!!
I love this text! It is one of those texts we have known about since we were in diapers.... well almost. Perhaps one of the very first memory verses we ever learned. It is simple, it is catchy, in fact I remember singing it as a child, but I love it more for the story and the context. This group of people have just been hearing the laws of God. They are realizing their short comings, their sin. They are for the first time understanding their wretchedness. Their sorrow is huge. They are weeping and wailing. That is when Nehemiah says to them, "Alright, this is going no where. We are going to stop reading the law, I want you to go back to your camps, feast on some amazing food, drink, share with each other, make sure everyone is enjoying rich delicious food, stop the crying, experience the joy!!!!! The joy of the Lord is your strength.
Today I had the pleasure of laughing, watching students celebrate as they graduated. Today, I had a delightful lunch with my son and his girl! Today I packed up and drove home! Today was filled with joyful things. I wore my Toms (red wedges) for graduation and thought of my time shopping with Sheri in Seattle, it brought a smile to my heart! I had dinner with my husband :). I was able to hug and kiss him! :) I sooooo enjoyed the joy parts of today.
When I started this blog I had just returned from a woman of Faith conference, where they had a Christian comedian. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Laughed until I cried. I laughed until my stomach hurt. It was so therapeutic!
Today laughing, celebrating, being with people I love, watching the joy in others was also therapeutic. So many times when you are doing serious work, with purpose, when you struggle with sorrow, pain, or (C), it is easy to think laughter and doing things that are just fun or just silly are just not that important. Yet when God's children were learning about His desires, when they were understanding their shortcomings, when they were frankly learning about something that was incredibly important, when it became over whelming, they were told to party! After taking a break, after partying, then they were able to go back to the serious work, and move forward.
I have been way to sober minded for the last couple months. Obviously overwhelmed! I am ready to PARTY!!!!! to LAUGH!!!!! I looking forward to finding ways to laugh, finding things that bring great joy!!!!!!!
Today living MtC was all about joy and laughter! I am going to be intentional about laughing, partying, finding joy!!!!!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
240-Connection brings freedom!
Connection is such an important element of being human. I know God created us with the need and he is willing and wanting to provide the opportunities for us to have deep connections with both Him and others.
Today I faced a choice that was both difficult and easy! Chris had invited me to join him about an hour and a half away in Hickory for dinner at a 5 star little restaurant he had found. His invitation email was sweet and I instantly responded yes. He then told me he would be there around 4. The joy was slightly dulled when I realized the Parent Tribute program was also at 4. Not a big deal if I miss it right? I started convincing myself it was fine if I missed. After all this was not about us staff, but about the families and parents. I am not a full time staff, etc. etc.
Then this morning one of the class sponsors came up and asked me if I was going to be coming to Parent Tribute. She told me it would be so nice for us all to be there because the students were also giving tributes to the staff. ERG!!!!!! Seriously, now it starts eating away at me. Anna, who was beside me, said, "NO mom, you need to go and be with dad!!! You two never get enough time together. GO!!!!" Then the woman at the table, a parent said, "couldn't you call and ask you husband to make the reservation for later, I mean that wouldn't be that big a deal right?"
I bristled, (Inside that is) but enough that I couldn't respond. I was just quiet. I was surprised at my reaction. After all she was right. Logically, it wasn't that big a deal. Or was it? Why did I bristle. Why did it make me so upset that she would make that logical suggestion.
Later at lunch, I told Beth I was struggling with the decision to go and miss staff tributes. She said she understood, but then assured me that in a few months the students wouldn't remember, but Chris and I, this relationship was for keeps. Hmmmm. I liked that view point better.
I realized, the reason I bristled at the mothers suggestion earlier had nothing to do with logic, but heart. I didn't want one more time for school, or work, or these students that I dearly love, to come before my man!!!! I wanted him to be more important! He IS more important. Today I needed!!!!!!! HIM!!!!!! Today I needed to have a moment. To have some connection. I needed him to know his invitation was more important to me than anything else. So I made the decision to go.
On my way out of town, I get a text from a student in the senior class telling me not to miss Parent Tribute! Are you kidding me. Again, I am flooded with question and guilt. How can I disappoint the student, how can I be doing this?
I said a prayer, asked God to please rule my thoughts, give me peace about the decision. If I needed to turn around, give me strength. If I needed to keep going, give me strength.
I then tried to be very logical, I started weighing the options again, struggling, until at one moment, I saw the students and I saw my husband. It was as clear as day, they were both right there, both wanting me, one was going to be disappointed. The decision was easy!!!!!!
As I drove to Hickory, I just tried to let go of any guilt, or worry. I kept my thoughts on Chris, my love for him, and his love for me. This man has sacrificed so much to let me work where I do. There are so many nights when he is alone, so many mornings when he is alone, so many Sabbaths when he is alone, this afternoon was not going to be one of those times!!!!
I can not describe to you how healing, how needed his hug was as I got out of my car! We walked around the cute little down town for a while, then ate a delicious fancy dinner, drove to a coffee spot, had desert and just talked and talked and talked. We held hands, he smiled at me a lot! We even took a picture!
It was one of those nights we will always remember. I realize how special and rare it is what we have, but I never want to take it for granted! I never want it to be something that takes a back seat to everything else. Frankly choosing him was very important to me. I needed to choose HIM!!!!!!! I needed to drive away from these amazing students for a moment, and choose this remarkable man, who cherishes my heart and delights in my joys. I really believed this afternoon I was choosing him because it was important to him, but I was so wrong. (Don't get me wrong... He needed me :)). It was more important for me to choose HIM!!!
Tonight as we drove away, me in the car headed for the mountains, and he on his motor cycle headed for home, I was filled, refreshed and sad all at the same time! Not long after we split, I saw motor cycle lights coming up behind me. For a moment I hoped, I wondered if perhaps he had decided to drive to the mountains with me. I slowed my pace so the motor cycle could catch me. I laughed out loud at myself. How crazy an idea. It was almost sundown, so all I could see was a silhouette of the bike, then I noticed it was one of those bikes where the guys legs our straight out wide, I knew it wasn't him. I stopped looking behind, and there in front of me was the most beautiful sunset! Now God loves to show me his love in the sky. Over and over again throughout my life, the sky has been God's love letter to me. Tonight was one of those amazing moments.
As I turned from looking at the biker, I literally said out loud, "Good, now you can stop looking behind you and focus where you should," that is the moment I saw the sunset. The sentence ended... "on you Lord!" I then spent time singing, praying, crying for joy, laughing, praying for Chris's protection, and expressing gratitude to God.
Three things I learned today.
First, we can not choose to be two places at one time. We can't have our loyalties in two places. We can't have our focus in two places. We serve a jealous God, he wants our everything! We have to choose. It should be that way!
Second, yes Christ wants our love, and attention. He wants a relationship with us but we are the ones who desperately need to choose him. He invites us and yearns for us, but we are filled, we are blessed when we choose HIM!!!
Third, we need to not wish for what we don't have as much as we just need to keep looking forward to Christ. I need to stop looking at the shadows behind me, and keep my eyes looking forward and up! He is and always must be my everything!
Today living MtC, meant making a choice, even disappointing someone or even many, most likely being misunderstood, yet being willing to do the right thing and make a choice! Today reminded me of the amazing importance of connection. Connection to God, and connection to others. Today, I held my husbands hand, listened to him, smiled at him and clung to him, today we connected and tonight I am better for it! Today, I talked with God, He sent me a love note (the sky), I delighted in Him and he in me! Tonight I am so much better for it!!!!!
Today I faced a choice that was both difficult and easy! Chris had invited me to join him about an hour and a half away in Hickory for dinner at a 5 star little restaurant he had found. His invitation email was sweet and I instantly responded yes. He then told me he would be there around 4. The joy was slightly dulled when I realized the Parent Tribute program was also at 4. Not a big deal if I miss it right? I started convincing myself it was fine if I missed. After all this was not about us staff, but about the families and parents. I am not a full time staff, etc. etc.
Then this morning one of the class sponsors came up and asked me if I was going to be coming to Parent Tribute. She told me it would be so nice for us all to be there because the students were also giving tributes to the staff. ERG!!!!!! Seriously, now it starts eating away at me. Anna, who was beside me, said, "NO mom, you need to go and be with dad!!! You two never get enough time together. GO!!!!" Then the woman at the table, a parent said, "couldn't you call and ask you husband to make the reservation for later, I mean that wouldn't be that big a deal right?"
I bristled, (Inside that is) but enough that I couldn't respond. I was just quiet. I was surprised at my reaction. After all she was right. Logically, it wasn't that big a deal. Or was it? Why did I bristle. Why did it make me so upset that she would make that logical suggestion.
Later at lunch, I told Beth I was struggling with the decision to go and miss staff tributes. She said she understood, but then assured me that in a few months the students wouldn't remember, but Chris and I, this relationship was for keeps. Hmmmm. I liked that view point better.
I realized, the reason I bristled at the mothers suggestion earlier had nothing to do with logic, but heart. I didn't want one more time for school, or work, or these students that I dearly love, to come before my man!!!! I wanted him to be more important! He IS more important. Today I needed!!!!!!! HIM!!!!!! Today I needed to have a moment. To have some connection. I needed him to know his invitation was more important to me than anything else. So I made the decision to go.
On my way out of town, I get a text from a student in the senior class telling me not to miss Parent Tribute! Are you kidding me. Again, I am flooded with question and guilt. How can I disappoint the student, how can I be doing this?
I said a prayer, asked God to please rule my thoughts, give me peace about the decision. If I needed to turn around, give me strength. If I needed to keep going, give me strength.
I then tried to be very logical, I started weighing the options again, struggling, until at one moment, I saw the students and I saw my husband. It was as clear as day, they were both right there, both wanting me, one was going to be disappointed. The decision was easy!!!!!!
As I drove to Hickory, I just tried to let go of any guilt, or worry. I kept my thoughts on Chris, my love for him, and his love for me. This man has sacrificed so much to let me work where I do. There are so many nights when he is alone, so many mornings when he is alone, so many Sabbaths when he is alone, this afternoon was not going to be one of those times!!!!
I can not describe to you how healing, how needed his hug was as I got out of my car! We walked around the cute little down town for a while, then ate a delicious fancy dinner, drove to a coffee spot, had desert and just talked and talked and talked. We held hands, he smiled at me a lot! We even took a picture!
It was one of those nights we will always remember. I realize how special and rare it is what we have, but I never want to take it for granted! I never want it to be something that takes a back seat to everything else. Frankly choosing him was very important to me. I needed to choose HIM!!!!!!! I needed to drive away from these amazing students for a moment, and choose this remarkable man, who cherishes my heart and delights in my joys. I really believed this afternoon I was choosing him because it was important to him, but I was so wrong. (Don't get me wrong... He needed me :)). It was more important for me to choose HIM!!!
Tonight as we drove away, me in the car headed for the mountains, and he on his motor cycle headed for home, I was filled, refreshed and sad all at the same time! Not long after we split, I saw motor cycle lights coming up behind me. For a moment I hoped, I wondered if perhaps he had decided to drive to the mountains with me. I slowed my pace so the motor cycle could catch me. I laughed out loud at myself. How crazy an idea. It was almost sundown, so all I could see was a silhouette of the bike, then I noticed it was one of those bikes where the guys legs our straight out wide, I knew it wasn't him. I stopped looking behind, and there in front of me was the most beautiful sunset! Now God loves to show me his love in the sky. Over and over again throughout my life, the sky has been God's love letter to me. Tonight was one of those amazing moments.
As I turned from looking at the biker, I literally said out loud, "Good, now you can stop looking behind you and focus where you should," that is the moment I saw the sunset. The sentence ended... "on you Lord!" I then spent time singing, praying, crying for joy, laughing, praying for Chris's protection, and expressing gratitude to God.
Three things I learned today.
First, we can not choose to be two places at one time. We can't have our loyalties in two places. We can't have our focus in two places. We serve a jealous God, he wants our everything! We have to choose. It should be that way!
Second, yes Christ wants our love, and attention. He wants a relationship with us but we are the ones who desperately need to choose him. He invites us and yearns for us, but we are filled, we are blessed when we choose HIM!!!
Third, we need to not wish for what we don't have as much as we just need to keep looking forward to Christ. I need to stop looking at the shadows behind me, and keep my eyes looking forward and up! He is and always must be my everything!
Today living MtC, meant making a choice, even disappointing someone or even many, most likely being misunderstood, yet being willing to do the right thing and make a choice! Today reminded me of the amazing importance of connection. Connection to God, and connection to others. Today, I held my husbands hand, listened to him, smiled at him and clung to him, today we connected and tonight I am better for it! Today, I talked with God, He sent me a love note (the sky), I delighted in Him and he in me! Tonight I am so much better for it!!!!!
Friday, May 18, 2012
239- A Crying Shame
I wonder who came up with the phrase, "It's a crying shame." I can only imagine what she or he was like. I imagine a gossip, sitting on her porch talking about the juiciest story of the day. Well that phrase fits me today. Not in the typical but perhaps the literal sense. Call it hormonal, call it exhaustion, call it a woman thing, or call it just how I am, but I can't stop crying today. I have cried over and over, sometimes just a dainty little tear, other moments approaching ugly cry, but I can't seem to keep the tears from coming.
For those of you who know me, crying is not exactly a new thing for me. When Chris and I first married the poor guy never had a chance. Every time he was the slightest bit upset about anything, I didn't fight with him, I would just burst into tears. I would assure him to ignore it, but how could he with tears joining snot, a red nose and puffy eyes. So we never had fights. He just did his best to figure out ways to work around conflict because I would cry. I wasn't trying to manipulate the situation, I just couldn't help but cry when ever tension in the room rose.
Most people think of me as the girl who cries every time she preaches. My kids laugh about it, I laugh about it, the church brings me boxes of tissue, and as hard as I try I always seem to at least tear up while speaking.
I cry at commercials, I cry when someone performs something great, like on American Idle or Dancing with the Stars, you know really profound important things like that. When students at Pisgah sing a song, or when the drama team does a great job I cry! I cry I cry I cry!!!!
I have had people ask me why I cry.... I don't know exactly. I have had people tell me I need to figure it out! (Implying I need to get myself fixed!) I will continue to wonder, I will continue to discover, but for now I am going to work on letting go of the (C) associated with my crying!!!!
This evening I received an invitation from my husband to meet him an hour or so from here for dinner tomorrow night! The text he sent with the invitation, made me cry! I was alone in the car and I really cried. I was crying because I so desperately wanted to be with him! I cried because I was happy! I cried because I was lonely! Then I realized I had stopped thinking about the joy, the aloneness, the reason for the tears and I was thinking about how messed up I am. I was thinking about my emotional frailty. I was going toward shame. Then the (C) started. "What is your problem, this is ridiculous, you don't have anything real to cry about! You know people who do! But you Beth, what is your problem? Grow up, start wearing big girl panties, and stop this crying, this.... this... what ever it is!"
A crying shame.... A crying shame.... frankly I have felt shame for crying my whole life. I can't get up in front of a group of people and not feel shame for my emotions. After all a more polished intellectual wouldn't be a cry baby while at the podium!
Today, while driving home after a difficult and very emotional day, I cried for no apparent reason and for many reasons! I cried for my friend, I cried for myself, I cried and cried. I cried and I let myself cry while keeping one window slightly rolled down to throw the (C) out when needed. I cried because I knew for whatever reason I needed too. I cried because, I wanted to cry without the (C).
While talking with a friend this afternoon I reminded us both of the text in Lamentations, the beautiful text in Lamentations that is so full of hope and joy! Yet this text while so beautiful, arguably one of the most beautiful, sits right in the middle of a lot of crying. The entire book is one huge cry fest. and then smack dab in the middle of all this crying is this ray of sunshine, "Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. 23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
I love that it is in the middle. As I drove and cried, I started reciting texts, favorite texts. Can you imagine what I looked like to the person driving beside me! Crying and talking to myself. :) Yep I'm sure it was quite the site.
Today, I choose to cry, to cry without the shame, to cry without the self loathing, but to let myself just cry!
For those of you who know me, crying is not exactly a new thing for me. When Chris and I first married the poor guy never had a chance. Every time he was the slightest bit upset about anything, I didn't fight with him, I would just burst into tears. I would assure him to ignore it, but how could he with tears joining snot, a red nose and puffy eyes. So we never had fights. He just did his best to figure out ways to work around conflict because I would cry. I wasn't trying to manipulate the situation, I just couldn't help but cry when ever tension in the room rose.
Most people think of me as the girl who cries every time she preaches. My kids laugh about it, I laugh about it, the church brings me boxes of tissue, and as hard as I try I always seem to at least tear up while speaking.
I cry at commercials, I cry when someone performs something great, like on American Idle or Dancing with the Stars, you know really profound important things like that. When students at Pisgah sing a song, or when the drama team does a great job I cry! I cry I cry I cry!!!!
I have had people ask me why I cry.... I don't know exactly. I have had people tell me I need to figure it out! (Implying I need to get myself fixed!) I will continue to wonder, I will continue to discover, but for now I am going to work on letting go of the (C) associated with my crying!!!!
This evening I received an invitation from my husband to meet him an hour or so from here for dinner tomorrow night! The text he sent with the invitation, made me cry! I was alone in the car and I really cried. I was crying because I so desperately wanted to be with him! I cried because I was happy! I cried because I was lonely! Then I realized I had stopped thinking about the joy, the aloneness, the reason for the tears and I was thinking about how messed up I am. I was thinking about my emotional frailty. I was going toward shame. Then the (C) started. "What is your problem, this is ridiculous, you don't have anything real to cry about! You know people who do! But you Beth, what is your problem? Grow up, start wearing big girl panties, and stop this crying, this.... this... what ever it is!"
A crying shame.... A crying shame.... frankly I have felt shame for crying my whole life. I can't get up in front of a group of people and not feel shame for my emotions. After all a more polished intellectual wouldn't be a cry baby while at the podium!
Today, while driving home after a difficult and very emotional day, I cried for no apparent reason and for many reasons! I cried for my friend, I cried for myself, I cried and cried. I cried and I let myself cry while keeping one window slightly rolled down to throw the (C) out when needed. I cried because I knew for whatever reason I needed too. I cried because, I wanted to cry without the (C).
While talking with a friend this afternoon I reminded us both of the text in Lamentations, the beautiful text in Lamentations that is so full of hope and joy! Yet this text while so beautiful, arguably one of the most beautiful, sits right in the middle of a lot of crying. The entire book is one huge cry fest. and then smack dab in the middle of all this crying is this ray of sunshine, "Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. 23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
I love that it is in the middle. As I drove and cried, I started reciting texts, favorite texts. Can you imagine what I looked like to the person driving beside me! Crying and talking to myself. :) Yep I'm sure it was quite the site.
Today, I choose to cry, to cry without the shame, to cry without the self loathing, but to let myself just cry!
238- You've Got to be Kidding!!!!
I have been three posts behind in this blog. I realize there is no governing body that is going to write me up, no event that will be half planned, and no one may even notice, if I'm behind. I don't like being behind (I know you have heard that one to many times). So yesterday, after feeling inspired I awoke and blogged first thing in the morning... an extra blog so to speak. I was thrilled to finally feel like perhaps I could catch up, and spent most of my day contemplating the evenings blog. On the drive up to Pisgah, I purchased on i tunes the audio book version of "The gift of Imperfection" and listened for 45 minutes while my son drove. Becca sat beside him in the front seat. I was comfortably in the back seat so thoroughly enjoying the first couple chapters of the book. I was doing my best to keep crying, I let a tear or two slip, just no ugly cry. Every word seemed to speak to me directly. I felt affirmed in this journey and I realized how far I have to go. Yet for the first time in a long time I felt like perhaps I was back on a journey and not just stalled on the side of the road. Sure I have gone through the mechanics of this blog, but not sure I was going anywhere.
Then fast forward to blog time. I made sure I was back at my grandparents, in plenty of time to blog. Plenty of time to write with more than one eye open. I was stoked! (as my boy would say) I called Chris as I let my computer boot up. As the computer came to life, the internet did not. Chris suggested I restart the router. With him on the phone I went up stars and did as he said. Came back down stairs and waited, and waited.... no internet. I was so devastated! Here I was ready, awake, wanting to blog for the first time in several weeks and no internet. After getting off the phone with Chris I cried. I know it is not a huge deal, but I so needed to blog, I needed to write my thoughts, I needed to feel caught up. I tried to use my phone as a hot spot for my I pad, but not enough signal, I listened to another chapter in my book and then fell asleep.
There has been so much happening like that. I ordered pens for the school, it has needed to be done for sometime, they come in purplish instead of red! I needed to get shirts ordered for the summer, get it done, they come in orangish instead of red! I think I have the cover of the devotional done in no time flat, the inside needs so much work it takes two plus days. On and on and on. I feel like I have been running on a tread mill instead of a road. I feel like no matter my efforts it just doesn't happen. I am living in a crazy game of "You've Got to be Kidding Me." (no such game I'm sure, just sounds good)
So here I am tonight making up another late blog, the crazy thing is I can't even remember what i was so excited to blog about last night. I know this for sure, I am tired of the (C) that says, I am not good enough if I don't get it done! I am so very tired of carrying that (C) around day in and day out. The crazy thing is if I'm honest the only time I don't have an issue with that (C) is when I'm not behind. That isn't good enough!!!!!!!!! I am valued, I am still His girl!!!!! ahead or behind!!!!!!! That is the truth. Guess what world I am shouting it!!!!!!!! I'm worthy because He made me that way! I am just as worthy when I am writing a late blog as when I am writing an on time blog or an early blog!!!!!!!
So tonight, behind and all, I am once again attempting to live MtC with the knowledge, the firm belief and understanding that I am worthy.
Then fast forward to blog time. I made sure I was back at my grandparents, in plenty of time to blog. Plenty of time to write with more than one eye open. I was stoked! (as my boy would say) I called Chris as I let my computer boot up. As the computer came to life, the internet did not. Chris suggested I restart the router. With him on the phone I went up stars and did as he said. Came back down stairs and waited, and waited.... no internet. I was so devastated! Here I was ready, awake, wanting to blog for the first time in several weeks and no internet. After getting off the phone with Chris I cried. I know it is not a huge deal, but I so needed to blog, I needed to write my thoughts, I needed to feel caught up. I tried to use my phone as a hot spot for my I pad, but not enough signal, I listened to another chapter in my book and then fell asleep.
There has been so much happening like that. I ordered pens for the school, it has needed to be done for sometime, they come in purplish instead of red! I needed to get shirts ordered for the summer, get it done, they come in orangish instead of red! I think I have the cover of the devotional done in no time flat, the inside needs so much work it takes two plus days. On and on and on. I feel like I have been running on a tread mill instead of a road. I feel like no matter my efforts it just doesn't happen. I am living in a crazy game of "You've Got to be Kidding Me." (no such game I'm sure, just sounds good)
So here I am tonight making up another late blog, the crazy thing is I can't even remember what i was so excited to blog about last night. I know this for sure, I am tired of the (C) that says, I am not good enough if I don't get it done! I am so very tired of carrying that (C) around day in and day out. The crazy thing is if I'm honest the only time I don't have an issue with that (C) is when I'm not behind. That isn't good enough!!!!!!!!! I am valued, I am still His girl!!!!! ahead or behind!!!!!!! That is the truth. Guess what world I am shouting it!!!!!!!! I'm worthy because He made me that way! I am just as worthy when I am writing a late blog as when I am writing an on time blog or an early blog!!!!!!!
So tonight, behind and all, I am once again attempting to live MtC with the knowledge, the firm belief and understanding that I am worthy.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
237- Vulnerablility
So yesterday one of my many blessings was a conversation with an intelligent woman who inspired me! In our conversation she told me about a woman named Brene' Brown. She told me about a book she has written but also that I can go to You Tube and watch her speak. (You all know that was thrilling for me! I love listening so much more than reading!) This morning after Chris headed out the door to work I decided to spend a moment and try to find her. However true to form, I had not remembered her name, or brought the piece of paper with her name on it. I was certain it was hopeless. The only thing I could remember was she had said it was like "rene with a ?" So I decided to put letters in front of Rene in Google and she what came up. Arene... nothing... Brene... Brene Brown....Sure enough there it was! You Tube video of her speaking.
I listened to a twenty minute long talk...
Vulnerability! I will let you check her out, this is what I want to say...
For the last month this blog has lacked vulnerability. If you have been following me on this journey you know there have been moments of incredible vulnerability. I have always tried, always wanted to be willing to let it all hang out, to share the most painful, the deepest, and the silly things. Yet in the last month, I have been unable or unwilling to be raw and open. I have questioned my self daily, frankly hated the burden of blogging, and contemplated stopping this process. I have chocked it up to being too tired, and I know that has contributed! I know I have been experiencing a level of exhaustion that I have never felt before. I know the tired me is having a very difficult time facing the REAL CRAP.
There is no question in the last month the CRAP has been stuff I don't want to talk about, I don't want to be open about because I can't put it in a box of understanding, and I don't have a solution. I don't know how to bury it (you know the good bury where flowers grow). Some of it I am not willing to share just yet! Some of it I have not wanted to face!
This morning I was reminded how important the act of being vulnerable is! How it is not a weak thing but the gateway to all that is strong and healing. So, I do want to continue this process, I do want to find my way back to a willingness to be vulnerable.
So in a nut shell here is my last month of untidy CRAP!
I have felt at times consumed with doubt, shame, regret over what I said or did not say in Seattle! It has been oppressive at times. I have questioned my preparation, the quality of the content, etc. etc. I have struggled with where does reality meet shame. How do I learn from my mistakes, or my short comings, how do I take what I did, look at it and then see where I can improve and where I can do better, without shame. I am so comfortable in Shame Crap that I have not been able to separate it from evaluation and self critique. I can not seam to be content to not critique. I feel it is important, even necessary for improvement. I know God can use the most broken and imperfect of us and I believe He did use me, but that doesn't mean I should not take the opportunity to learn, to grow etc. Yet every time I try I am over whelmed with shame, to a point, I have to stop and ignore it, put in on a back burner and say, "I'm too tired for this!"
That is one of many..... there is a whole list, and I planned to just list it out, purge so to speak. I have changed my mind. It is too easy, to just list it without explaining and working through it, so I will stop here for now. I have to get on with my day, pack to leave home and head to Pisgah :(
If you are following this process keep me in your prayers please. I don't have time for a full break down, I am fulling in the midst of the most intense time of work, my children and friends are going through major life changes, my husband is under oppressive amounts of stress, and there seems to be no relief in sight.
Like I said, I didn't want to write this because I don't have a neat package to put it in. I don't have a brilliant ending or bow to tie it up in. I will just end by saying this, ignoring it or medicating (with cake), has not been working so, here it all is in all it's ugliness and all I have to say is, "Lord please today take my Crap, bury it! Please! I'm so ready for some beautiful Red Poppies!!!!"
I listened to a twenty minute long talk...
Vulnerability! I will let you check her out, this is what I want to say...
For the last month this blog has lacked vulnerability. If you have been following me on this journey you know there have been moments of incredible vulnerability. I have always tried, always wanted to be willing to let it all hang out, to share the most painful, the deepest, and the silly things. Yet in the last month, I have been unable or unwilling to be raw and open. I have questioned my self daily, frankly hated the burden of blogging, and contemplated stopping this process. I have chocked it up to being too tired, and I know that has contributed! I know I have been experiencing a level of exhaustion that I have never felt before. I know the tired me is having a very difficult time facing the REAL CRAP.
There is no question in the last month the CRAP has been stuff I don't want to talk about, I don't want to be open about because I can't put it in a box of understanding, and I don't have a solution. I don't know how to bury it (you know the good bury where flowers grow). Some of it I am not willing to share just yet! Some of it I have not wanted to face!
This morning I was reminded how important the act of being vulnerable is! How it is not a weak thing but the gateway to all that is strong and healing. So, I do want to continue this process, I do want to find my way back to a willingness to be vulnerable.
So in a nut shell here is my last month of untidy CRAP!
I have felt at times consumed with doubt, shame, regret over what I said or did not say in Seattle! It has been oppressive at times. I have questioned my preparation, the quality of the content, etc. etc. I have struggled with where does reality meet shame. How do I learn from my mistakes, or my short comings, how do I take what I did, look at it and then see where I can improve and where I can do better, without shame. I am so comfortable in Shame Crap that I have not been able to separate it from evaluation and self critique. I can not seam to be content to not critique. I feel it is important, even necessary for improvement. I know God can use the most broken and imperfect of us and I believe He did use me, but that doesn't mean I should not take the opportunity to learn, to grow etc. Yet every time I try I am over whelmed with shame, to a point, I have to stop and ignore it, put in on a back burner and say, "I'm too tired for this!"
That is one of many..... there is a whole list, and I planned to just list it out, purge so to speak. I have changed my mind. It is too easy, to just list it without explaining and working through it, so I will stop here for now. I have to get on with my day, pack to leave home and head to Pisgah :(
If you are following this process keep me in your prayers please. I don't have time for a full break down, I am fulling in the midst of the most intense time of work, my children and friends are going through major life changes, my husband is under oppressive amounts of stress, and there seems to be no relief in sight.
Like I said, I didn't want to write this because I don't have a neat package to put it in. I don't have a brilliant ending or bow to tie it up in. I will just end by saying this, ignoring it or medicating (with cake), has not been working so, here it all is in all it's ugliness and all I have to say is, "Lord please today take my Crap, bury it! Please! I'm so ready for some beautiful Red Poppies!!!!"
236 Wow Thanks!!!
I am falling asleep tonight, but I was really ministered and fed today!!! If you don't mind I am going to just list in bullet points the blessings. It was such food, such rich and healthy food for my very needy soul!
Heard two sermons today (or just pieces of sermons) that were just what I needed!!!!
Was able to help someone write a speech. What fun!!
Accomplished some much needed phone calls.
Found out my dear worker will still be working for me next year!!!
Had the most uplifting conversation with someone I really like, but have not known well! Was ministered to in our conversation.... best part.... "God came down to be with us, in the midst of our Crap" Wow!
Drove with Becca (my son's girlfriend) to a graduation and had such nice conversation! She is delightful! Sweet! Intelligent! I am so proud of her and so thankful she is who my son has chosen to date! What a blessing.
Went to a elementary graduation and was moved by testimony and the commencement address given by a teacher who has never spoken up front like that before! Several points were things I needed to hear!
Another drive with Becca, just a continuation of blessings...
Home.... to bed with my husband, pillow talk about my day and the blessings in it! I am encouraged!
I can not begin to describe what a blessing the two sermons were, how they so perfectly fit into the conversation with my new friend... and then the conversations with Becca.... and so on! It was like from the moment my day started God was saying to me...."Here you go, I know you are tired, I know you are crazy... so here is some food, real meat!!!! Real food for your soul!" It was a day I am so thankful for and I so needed!!!!!
Today and EVERYDAY!!!!!!..... the only way to REALLY live MtC is to live it with HIM!!!!! So to my Savior Friend, thank you so much for the food! Thank you so much for the incredibly rich day of blessings! Lord be with my friends, and minister to them as well!!!!
Heard two sermons today (or just pieces of sermons) that were just what I needed!!!!
Was able to help someone write a speech. What fun!!
Accomplished some much needed phone calls.
Found out my dear worker will still be working for me next year!!!
Had the most uplifting conversation with someone I really like, but have not known well! Was ministered to in our conversation.... best part.... "God came down to be with us, in the midst of our Crap" Wow!
Drove with Becca (my son's girlfriend) to a graduation and had such nice conversation! She is delightful! Sweet! Intelligent! I am so proud of her and so thankful she is who my son has chosen to date! What a blessing.
Went to a elementary graduation and was moved by testimony and the commencement address given by a teacher who has never spoken up front like that before! Several points were things I needed to hear!
Another drive with Becca, just a continuation of blessings...
Home.... to bed with my husband, pillow talk about my day and the blessings in it! I am encouraged!
I can not begin to describe what a blessing the two sermons were, how they so perfectly fit into the conversation with my new friend... and then the conversations with Becca.... and so on! It was like from the moment my day started God was saying to me...."Here you go, I know you are tired, I know you are crazy... so here is some food, real meat!!!! Real food for your soul!" It was a day I am so thankful for and I so needed!!!!!
Today and EVERYDAY!!!!!!..... the only way to REALLY live MtC is to live it with HIM!!!!! So to my Savior Friend, thank you so much for the food! Thank you so much for the incredibly rich day of blessings! Lord be with my friends, and minister to them as well!!!!
235- Agony, Sorrow, Anger, Hurt....
Wow what a day makes. I found out today, this afternoon that all the work I had done on this project in an attempt to help someone was not what they wanted, I found out I had "misunderstood" them and needed to be better at communicating. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry....OK maybe a little, or even a lot. I'm not saying they should have done anything different, I just feel today like all my work yesterday is for not.... like what was the point....erggggg....
So I regroup, figure out what to do next,.... re work some things, start again on some things, keep working on other projects and this day starts picking up and getting crazy. About that time a head ache starts coming on. Oh the frustration.....I drink caffeine.... even though I know it is not the healthy way to take care of the head ache,..... I decide to call Chris.... but he calls before I get a chance. He asks about my day, and he suggests we go out to eat so I don't have to think about fixing dinner on top of everything else. I really want homemade quality food, but I don't have the energy to figure out what that will be, I don't have time to shop, and I can't ask my kids two days in a row, so I readily agree and the plan is in place.
After arriving home from dinner I get a call from a dear friend whose husband left her tonight!!!! Oh the sorrow, the hurt, the agony, I was so sad for her. So all the work, all the things that needed to be done, became unimportant! All the (C) I thought I was dealing with paled in comparison. Our conversation was long, our conversation was uplifting! What a crazy thing for it to be that but it was! She is a woman of God and seeing her strength in the midst of a big old pile of Crap that was forced upon her, was amazing!
This day ends with me not feeling nearly as uplifted as yesterday, I have experienced such of flood of negative emotions. Way to much (C) and yet I know He has been here, helping me and my friend through it all. What a God we serve! I know today his heart was breaking, I know he was sad too!
So I regroup, figure out what to do next,.... re work some things, start again on some things, keep working on other projects and this day starts picking up and getting crazy. About that time a head ache starts coming on. Oh the frustration.....I drink caffeine.... even though I know it is not the healthy way to take care of the head ache,..... I decide to call Chris.... but he calls before I get a chance. He asks about my day, and he suggests we go out to eat so I don't have to think about fixing dinner on top of everything else. I really want homemade quality food, but I don't have the energy to figure out what that will be, I don't have time to shop, and I can't ask my kids two days in a row, so I readily agree and the plan is in place.
After arriving home from dinner I get a call from a dear friend whose husband left her tonight!!!! Oh the sorrow, the hurt, the agony, I was so sad for her. So all the work, all the things that needed to be done, became unimportant! All the (C) I thought I was dealing with paled in comparison. Our conversation was long, our conversation was uplifting! What a crazy thing for it to be that but it was! She is a woman of God and seeing her strength in the midst of a big old pile of Crap that was forced upon her, was amazing!
This day ends with me not feeling nearly as uplifted as yesterday, I have experienced such of flood of negative emotions. Way to much (C) and yet I know He has been here, helping me and my friend through it all. What a God we serve! I know today his heart was breaking, I know he was sad too!
234- Where did the day go?
Have you ever come to the end of your day and asked the question where did the day go? Today was one of those days. I hardly had time to catch my breath. Going from one project to the next, fighting fires, trying to get scheduling done.
In the process of it all I just kept plugging along. I didn't let myself stop. I spent most of the day working on a project that hasn't been my responsibility, but it needed to be done. I was feeling better and better as the day came to an end. Not done with anything but I felt accomplished and like I was at least making headway. I asked for help from my kids, had them do some grocery shopping and we were even able to have a home cooked meal.
What a blessing to get things accomplished, eat healthy food, be with family etc. I am convinced at the end of today that being with family (in a healthy family) contributes to being able to let go of (C). I for just a split second started to go to the (C). I started to pick it up again, (you know the crap about not being a good enough woman, not having groceries so the kids wouldn't have to do it, wishing I was..... You know all that (C)). Yet when asked the kids were so cheerful, willing helpful, I let it go. Reminded myself there is no room for that very old been around (C). I'm done with it. I asked for help, accepted the help, and praised God for the support around me.
So today at the end of a very long day, I am exhausted yet thankful for my family and their help in practical ways and their contribution to my MtC day!
In the process of it all I just kept plugging along. I didn't let myself stop. I spent most of the day working on a project that hasn't been my responsibility, but it needed to be done. I was feeling better and better as the day came to an end. Not done with anything but I felt accomplished and like I was at least making headway. I asked for help from my kids, had them do some grocery shopping and we were even able to have a home cooked meal.
What a blessing to get things accomplished, eat healthy food, be with family etc. I am convinced at the end of today that being with family (in a healthy family) contributes to being able to let go of (C). I for just a split second started to go to the (C). I started to pick it up again, (you know the crap about not being a good enough woman, not having groceries so the kids wouldn't have to do it, wishing I was..... You know all that (C)). Yet when asked the kids were so cheerful, willing helpful, I let it go. Reminded myself there is no room for that very old been around (C). I'm done with it. I asked for help, accepted the help, and praised God for the support around me.
So today at the end of a very long day, I am exhausted yet thankful for my family and their help in practical ways and their contribution to my MtC day!
Monday, May 14, 2012
233- Mothers Day
Mothers day. A day to celebrate mothers, or be celebrated. It has been a lovely day, I have done nothing (my request). The kids cleaned the kitchen with Chris after brunch we made here at home. The rest of the day included lifetime movies, a nap, and looking at rental properties online for our girl. I had a wonderful call from Sarah, a text from Becca, so it was a good day. There is no question as a mother like all others, who desires to do the absolute best by her children, I struggled some today too! I hated that the house is not clean, that we weren't doing anything facebook worthy :). It is easy to wish I hadn't yelled as much when they were young, to wish I had demonstrated more joy, more of so much! Every mother I know can understand! There is nothing that compares to the love we have for our children, and with that comes this huge desire to be all that we can be, and guilt when we aren't what we hope or desire to be.
Today, I realized perhaps the most important thing I can do is to let go of regret and celebrate what the Lord has been able to do with my imperfections and who my children are as a result of His mighty work. Acknowledging the miracle of what God can do in our lives is a wonderful way to celebrate Mothers day! I am thankful I serve a God who is daily working miracles in our lives.
A found a picture posted by a friend on Facebook that I thought was funny and true. So here is just a little something to think about!
To my children, "Being your mother an undescribable joy! There are no words! I love you so much and am so thrilled to see the Lord working in each of your lives!!!1
Today, I realized perhaps the most important thing I can do is to let go of regret and celebrate what the Lord has been able to do with my imperfections and who my children are as a result of His mighty work. Acknowledging the miracle of what God can do in our lives is a wonderful way to celebrate Mothers day! I am thankful I serve a God who is daily working miracles in our lives.
A found a picture posted by a friend on Facebook that I thought was funny and true. So here is just a little something to think about!
To my children, "Being your mother an undescribable joy! There are no words! I love you so much and am so thrilled to see the Lord working in each of your lives!!!1
Saturday, May 12, 2012
232- A Lace Table Cloth
Today after church we had an impromptu lunch with the Kendalls at our home. My amazing husband had a meal cooked and prepared but my messes of coming and going, cleaning out the cars, my purse, as I run out the door, was everywhere. The dining room table was covered in a purse dumping mess done just moments before heading out the door for my flight to Seattle. Yes it has been sitting there that long! So last minute before they arrived I felt it would be appropriate to clean it off, (as you can imagine a woman's purse contents can contain things that should not be hanging around when guests come over.) After cleaning off the table, (putting the contents in a box to go through later...) I decided to put a clean table cloth on the dinning room table. I went to the closet to choose a cloth and the (C) began. The first one I saw was my grandmothers lace table cloth. Not an expensive one, but one she used all the time. I instantly reached for it.... then (C)... after all it looks so old... it is far from contemporary or up to date.... it shows your age.... you want to be hip and cool.... I stopped..stopped and realized the (C). There is nothing wrong with liking a lace table cloth. The table cloth reminds me of my grandmother, of lunch after church, of delicious food, of time with family, of fun times, (grandma Chalmers was always fun!) moments of affirmation and so much more. Why would I let my insecurities trump my desire to be connected to a simpler time, a sweet time.
Then, lol.... I started in on... "why do you need the table cloth.... you don't need a lace table cloth to remind you, you can remember and still have a fresh contemporary cloth on the table." I stopped and literally said to myself... "Are you kidding me!!!! Beth put the lace table cloth on the table and continue on with the new memories, friends family, and this day with Christ!"
I put the lace table cloth on the table and went in the kitchen, sat on the stool and talked with my husband as he finished up lunch. I have wondered, thought how many times I have made decisions not because it was what I wanted, but because I was trying to be cool, fresh, or because I was trying to impress. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with putting our best foot forward, I think we should! It should just be our best, not some fake imitation of our what we think others want.
Today, with so many blessings, and there were many, I loved seeing the lace table cloth on my table, not because it was the only one clean, but because I wanted it, because I like it! Today attempting to live MtC meant enjoying my grandmothers lace table cloth and I did!
Then, lol.... I started in on... "why do you need the table cloth.... you don't need a lace table cloth to remind you, you can remember and still have a fresh contemporary cloth on the table." I stopped and literally said to myself... "Are you kidding me!!!! Beth put the lace table cloth on the table and continue on with the new memories, friends family, and this day with Christ!"
I put the lace table cloth on the table and went in the kitchen, sat on the stool and talked with my husband as he finished up lunch. I have wondered, thought how many times I have made decisions not because it was what I wanted, but because I was trying to be cool, fresh, or because I was trying to impress. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with putting our best foot forward, I think we should! It should just be our best, not some fake imitation of our what we think others want.
Today, with so many blessings, and there were many, I loved seeing the lace table cloth on my table, not because it was the only one clean, but because I wanted it, because I like it! Today attempting to live MtC meant enjoying my grandmothers lace table cloth and I did!
Friday, May 11, 2012
231 trying to rest.
Come unto me all ye who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest! Stop! Stop what you are doing, thinking, stop and come with me! Let me tell you about how much I love you. Let me remind you that I am what matters. Come to me and the things I will tell you will take away your anxiety, it will bring you peace, even when peace seems an unreachable feat. Come to me! You say you are exhausted....come to me! You have so much on your mind...come to me! You are spending way to much time worrying about tomorrow, about projects getting done, about numbers, or enrollment, your health or the lack there of. Your body image, your house, you relationship with me.....STOP!!! This is our day! This is our time! The other will wait, in fact if you come to me, the rest will work out! Come to me and I will give you rest!
230- I'm home!
The good news is I'm home! The bad news is I have been working since I arrived home, it is now midnight. I am not done, but must get some sleep. I have been working on yearbook ads, Summer devotional cover, Graduation Program, all urgent!!!
I am looking forward to completing some of these projects and spending the Sabbath hours and mothers day with my family! I will be off on Sunday!!!! That sounds so nice.
Last night I found out that Anna would be arriving back in Collegedale around 4 p.m. and she would need to move out of the dorm immediately. My reaction as a mother was to go and help. I knew she would be exhausted after two full days of interviewing. I knew just the process of hauling everything to the storage unit would be exhausting and I hated that we could not be there. I mentioned to Chris that perhaps I could just drive to Collegedale from Asheville, help her pack and then drive home! Andrew would be with me so we could share driving. I was confident this was the right thing to do. I knew I didn't need a day with more than nine hours of driving after working till mid afternoon. I knew I couldn't afford to pay for a hotel. I knew on many levels it didn't make sense, but my desire to be a loving mother who surprises her children with acts of kindness was stronger than my desire to rest.
I went to sleep last night fully expecting that was what I would do. I talked to Andrew about it around 9:30 a.m. and he was willing but not excited. Being a good son, and a kind sister he assured me he would go, but he thought it was a bit much. I started to question my sanity. So I called Chris. I asked for his wisdom in the matter and he told me he had awakened thinking about it and was certain there were other ways to help her out. He suggested finding someone to help her. His ideas instantly took a huge weight off of my shoulders. I could literally feel the weight falling off. I wanted to cry! I then asked if he could try to arrange the alternate plan and he agreed.
After the new plan was in place, and only then did I realize how much of my own (C) was contributing to my need to go and help her. With the schedule I have been keeping, with the long hours and being away from my kids, with Anna starting a new "grown up life" and all the changes we are going through I needed to be needed. I needed to do something huge to feel adequate as a mother. I needed to feel like I had a role to play in this process. At the same time I am completely exhausted and "I" need to have some temperate days. I needed to have an easier day.
I have a difficult time taking those moments for me. I know there is lots and lots of (C) that contributes to it all. Tonight I am so thankful for a loving husband who helped to keep me sane, help out daughter and bring me home! I am so thankful for the huge weight he took off my shoulders. I am to tired to begin to know all the reasons for why I do or think what I do about this issue. I do know my husband helped me today to make a healthy choice while still accomplishing my desire. I am tonight just going to rest in that and figure all the rest out later if need be.
One more day attempting to live MtC!
I am looking forward to completing some of these projects and spending the Sabbath hours and mothers day with my family! I will be off on Sunday!!!! That sounds so nice.
Last night I found out that Anna would be arriving back in Collegedale around 4 p.m. and she would need to move out of the dorm immediately. My reaction as a mother was to go and help. I knew she would be exhausted after two full days of interviewing. I knew just the process of hauling everything to the storage unit would be exhausting and I hated that we could not be there. I mentioned to Chris that perhaps I could just drive to Collegedale from Asheville, help her pack and then drive home! Andrew would be with me so we could share driving. I was confident this was the right thing to do. I knew I didn't need a day with more than nine hours of driving after working till mid afternoon. I knew I couldn't afford to pay for a hotel. I knew on many levels it didn't make sense, but my desire to be a loving mother who surprises her children with acts of kindness was stronger than my desire to rest.
I went to sleep last night fully expecting that was what I would do. I talked to Andrew about it around 9:30 a.m. and he was willing but not excited. Being a good son, and a kind sister he assured me he would go, but he thought it was a bit much. I started to question my sanity. So I called Chris. I asked for his wisdom in the matter and he told me he had awakened thinking about it and was certain there were other ways to help her out. He suggested finding someone to help her. His ideas instantly took a huge weight off of my shoulders. I could literally feel the weight falling off. I wanted to cry! I then asked if he could try to arrange the alternate plan and he agreed.
After the new plan was in place, and only then did I realize how much of my own (C) was contributing to my need to go and help her. With the schedule I have been keeping, with the long hours and being away from my kids, with Anna starting a new "grown up life" and all the changes we are going through I needed to be needed. I needed to do something huge to feel adequate as a mother. I needed to feel like I had a role to play in this process. At the same time I am completely exhausted and "I" need to have some temperate days. I needed to have an easier day.
I have a difficult time taking those moments for me. I know there is lots and lots of (C) that contributes to it all. Tonight I am so thankful for a loving husband who helped to keep me sane, help out daughter and bring me home! I am so thankful for the huge weight he took off my shoulders. I am to tired to begin to know all the reasons for why I do or think what I do about this issue. I do know my husband helped me today to make a healthy choice while still accomplishing my desire. I am tonight just going to rest in that and figure all the rest out later if need be.
One more day attempting to live MtC!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
229- Still tired, still surviving!
I just had a lovely thought tonight. It is wed. night and I am heading home tomorrow, spending the weekend at home, it is mothers day on Sunday and two of my three children will be there!!!!! Those are some wonderful thoughts to hold onto! Those are a few reasons to help me get through the next several hours.
Today was crazy busy with work! Then an invitation to lunch with Rick, Beth, Becca and my son Andrew! Oh what a joy that was. A good vege sub with friends and my boy! Great! I was to thankful! We go through line, me and Andrew first and when I get to pay, I realize my wallet is not in my purse. Luckily Andrew had his wallet and plenty of cash. Yet as I am wading through the very unorganized purse, I start in on myself. I start piling on the (C). I tell myself how unorganized I am, how embarrassing it is. I frankly let it eat away at me for most of the lunch! How ridiculous is that.
I tried to accomplish some of my list from yesterday, but only accomplished, sleeping in (sleep). So tonight I am keeping this very short so I can get to bed. It is already almost midnight!
Today was crazy busy with work! Then an invitation to lunch with Rick, Beth, Becca and my son Andrew! Oh what a joy that was. A good vege sub with friends and my boy! Great! I was to thankful! We go through line, me and Andrew first and when I get to pay, I realize my wallet is not in my purse. Luckily Andrew had his wallet and plenty of cash. Yet as I am wading through the very unorganized purse, I start in on myself. I start piling on the (C). I tell myself how unorganized I am, how embarrassing it is. I frankly let it eat away at me for most of the lunch! How ridiculous is that.
I tried to accomplish some of my list from yesterday, but only accomplished, sleeping in (sleep). So tonight I am keeping this very short so I can get to bed. It is already almost midnight!
228- Back at work
There is no question I have not had nearly enough rest to be back at it again. The weekend of events and then the wonderful day at home were amazing but not that restful and now finding my self at work again.... I'm not ready. Blogging has been pathetic, mostly because each evening (or even mornings) I find myself just too tired to think. It has been sad!!!!!! Today work was fine, nothing terribly eventful, but it was hard!!!! Tonight I too the drama team along with the Vaughan's out to pizza to celebrate the end of the year! It was lovely! Yet it lacked the joy I would have expected because I am exhausted. I feel like I am moving through life, even accomplishing things but I am just moving, not living!
I have tried several different things, but frankly I'm to tired to try much. Even writing this, I have already shut my eyes three times and almost not opened them. It is crazy.
I know the rest of the staff are the same! I know there is so much more that needs to be done!! I know I have to find a way to just keep moving forward, resting as I can, but it is so hard.
Today I made a list at work of all the things that have to be accomplished and it was overwhelming!
I find it hard to blog because I feel just numb. I feel like I am in a fog. I feel like I am always in that in between state of being asleep and awake all day long. (OK enough all ready I think you get the picture)
Tonight I will say this, I know this will pass. I know I will once again be rested! I know it will get better and until then I will do this....
1. Daily say a very short prayer, "Lord give me the desire today to serve you! Give me the wisdom to know what must be done. Give me the strength to accomplish it! Give me the grace to do it in a way that glorifies you!"
2. Accept that being tired, exhausted does not in any way reflect on my abilities or the lack there of. I am simply tired and that is that!
3. Step outside and spend at least 1 minute a day looking at something beautiful He has made.
4. Sleep with the windows open, fresh air is important!
5. Find something to laugh at!
6. Sleep, sleep, sleep when ever possible and or appropriate!
That is going to be my recipe for surviving this time!
I have tried several different things, but frankly I'm to tired to try much. Even writing this, I have already shut my eyes three times and almost not opened them. It is crazy.
I know the rest of the staff are the same! I know there is so much more that needs to be done!! I know I have to find a way to just keep moving forward, resting as I can, but it is so hard.
Today I made a list at work of all the things that have to be accomplished and it was overwhelming!
I find it hard to blog because I feel just numb. I feel like I am in a fog. I feel like I am always in that in between state of being asleep and awake all day long. (OK enough all ready I think you get the picture)
Tonight I will say this, I know this will pass. I know I will once again be rested! I know it will get better and until then I will do this....
1. Daily say a very short prayer, "Lord give me the desire today to serve you! Give me the wisdom to know what must be done. Give me the strength to accomplish it! Give me the grace to do it in a way that glorifies you!"
2. Accept that being tired, exhausted does not in any way reflect on my abilities or the lack there of. I am simply tired and that is that!
3. Step outside and spend at least 1 minute a day looking at something beautiful He has made.
4. Sleep with the windows open, fresh air is important!
5. Find something to laugh at!
6. Sleep, sleep, sleep when ever possible and or appropriate!
That is going to be my recipe for surviving this time!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
227- Recovery
Today has been a remarkable day of recovery. The last month has been crazy! No days off, constantly going from one major event to another. Today I worked from home. Took a couple phone calls, returned emails, and then spent plenty of time working on a project, however it was from home. I took a nap, and watched some TV tonight. What a blessing to behave in a more temperate manor.
This past month, has been hard, I frankly have not even blogged about the worst of my struggles. I have been just way to tired to spend the time formulating sentences or even thinking about what I have been going through. Today I realized how important it is to find time to be more temperate in my life. I must figure out how to sleep more, I must find a way to eat better, and spend time in the fresh air. This blog was never intended to just be about my emotional struggles but about life! All of it!
Today in my attempt to live MtC I am reminded of how important it is to live in a manor that allows for the life sustaining things, like time with God, food, sleep, fresh air, exercise and even intimate moments with my husband :) Today I indulged in a nap and it helped so much!
The struggles over the last month have been made so much more intense because of my exhaustion! It has been quite a terrible combination. Exhausted, fighting piles of (C) and way to tired to blog about it. This process has been quite therapeutic and helpful in the process of letting it go, or burying it. I think the process of admitting the struggle, the process of being vulnerable, the process of putting it down on paper, it all helps in the process of letting it go!
Tonight I am thankful to be feeling a little more rested! I am thankful for this day, where I was able to breath, and I am looking forward to continuing this process of burying the (C) and finding the beauty in what the Lord makes of this heart of mine!
This past month, has been hard, I frankly have not even blogged about the worst of my struggles. I have been just way to tired to spend the time formulating sentences or even thinking about what I have been going through. Today I realized how important it is to find time to be more temperate in my life. I must figure out how to sleep more, I must find a way to eat better, and spend time in the fresh air. This blog was never intended to just be about my emotional struggles but about life! All of it!
Today in my attempt to live MtC I am reminded of how important it is to live in a manor that allows for the life sustaining things, like time with God, food, sleep, fresh air, exercise and even intimate moments with my husband :) Today I indulged in a nap and it helped so much!
The struggles over the last month have been made so much more intense because of my exhaustion! It has been quite a terrible combination. Exhausted, fighting piles of (C) and way to tired to blog about it. This process has been quite therapeutic and helpful in the process of letting it go, or burying it. I think the process of admitting the struggle, the process of being vulnerable, the process of putting it down on paper, it all helps in the process of letting it go!
Tonight I am thankful to be feeling a little more rested! I am thankful for this day, where I was able to breath, and I am looking forward to continuing this process of burying the (C) and finding the beauty in what the Lord makes of this heart of mine!
Monday, May 7, 2012
227- She did it!
Today Chris and I are officially parents of a child with a college degree... thanks to Anna! What a wonderful day it was. We were with family and friends, enjoying the pomp and circumstance of the day. I have nothing profound to write about tonight. I am just happy! Happy to be home! Happy that my girl graduated! Happy that Sarah is doing well and starts more classes tomorrow. Happy Andrew is home! It has been a blessed day!
Perhaps the only struggle I had with (C) was watching all those graduates I had moments where I started to question my education process. Perhaps wish I had more, wished I had finished my masters long ago. Wished.... or do I? I know my first responsibility is to God, husband, children, and I have made choices to honor my responsibility. I wouldn't change a thing about that! Today was evidence of making the right choices. I quickly buried the (C) and focused on celebrating my girl and the amazing things the Lord has been doing in her life!
Today living MtC was simple! Keep the focus on my girl and what God has done in her life! Celebrating and acknowledging what the Lord can do when we surrender, freed me to praise Him for the journey I have been blessed to travel with Him! I don't want it any other way! I will trust him to complete what He has started!!!!
Perhaps the only struggle I had with (C) was watching all those graduates I had moments where I started to question my education process. Perhaps wish I had more, wished I had finished my masters long ago. Wished.... or do I? I know my first responsibility is to God, husband, children, and I have made choices to honor my responsibility. I wouldn't change a thing about that! Today was evidence of making the right choices. I quickly buried the (C) and focused on celebrating my girl and the amazing things the Lord has been doing in her life!
Today living MtC was simple! Keep the focus on my girl and what God has done in her life! Celebrating and acknowledging what the Lord can do when we surrender, freed me to praise Him for the journey I have been blessed to travel with Him! I don't want it any other way! I will trust him to complete what He has started!!!!
Sunday, May 6, 2012
226- What a Celebration!
Tonight Anna, my little girl, had her pinning! As she crossed that stage, I kept thinking about her as a little girl. Her joy, her drive to succeed, her optimism. I remember the day in Kindergarten when they gave her a fundraiser to take home. She was supposed to get orders for magazine subscriptions. She asked her dad if she could go to the Conference Office. He agreed. Just after arriving she realized another student from her school was already there. She quickly asked if she could call people, in the office. She got on her dads phone and called peoples extensions and tells everyone that she is coming around to their offices and asks if they would be willing to purchase something from her. They were all so impressed by her drive, that they bought. She made more money than any other student in the entire school. Trust me it wasn't because of us. I HATE sales and frankly was hoping to purchase a couple subscriptions so that she wouldn't have to go around and ask people to buy. However, I couldn't take away her joy and let her do as much or as little as she wanted and she sold big!!!
Tonight as she walked across the stage I was amazed! I was awed once again by her. Awed by God's creation. His gift in her. She is such a blessing! I am very proud of her.
Today living MtC involved keeping my eyes on celebrating what God has done in the life of my girl. She is a beautiful example of His creation and of what He is willing to do in our lives if we are willing to let Him!!! It is inspirational watching her!
Living MtC means seeing how the Lord works in our lives and in the lives of others! What a Sabbath blessing to be with family, friends, and to celebrate what He has done in their lives and in yours!!!
Tonight as she walked across the stage I was amazed! I was awed once again by her. Awed by God's creation. His gift in her. She is such a blessing! I am very proud of her.
Today living MtC involved keeping my eyes on celebrating what God has done in the life of my girl. She is a beautiful example of His creation and of what He is willing to do in our lives if we are willing to let Him!!! It is inspirational watching her!
Living MtC means seeing how the Lord works in our lives and in the lives of others! What a Sabbath blessing to be with family, friends, and to celebrate what He has done in their lives and in yours!!!
Friday, May 4, 2012
225- I'm feeling really behind!
Through out my life I have often struggled with feeling behind. Behind with school work, behind with laundry, behind everyone else (while running or walking), behind, behind, behind, behind. I am now officially behind in blogging. I have almost an entire week of partially written, but never completed blogs. I'm not exactly sure what has happened. This morning I awoke and started working on finishing the blogs, and getting caught up. I told myself I didn't need to blog about yesterday because at least I had written the current blog last night....I must have dreamed it. No blog was completed yesterday either. I'm not going crazy, just exhausted. I have so many partial blogs because I start and then fall asleep, or after a few minutes I loose my train of thought etc.
I will get caught up, but for now, I want to keep moving forward and not getting farther behind.
Tomorrow our little girl, our Anna is being pinned! She is graduating with her AS in Nursing. It is hard to believe. She is headed down to Florida this next week for two interviews. I am so proud of her. So thankful for her mind, her heart and her willingness to work hard. I was able to spend quite a bit of time with her today. We shopped for a purse, shoes etc for her interview and enjoyed the time together. This was a much needed day of just being with our kids. We went out to eat with our three children, what a joy to have our family all together. For many years now there are always other friends, or girlfriend or boyfriends around, but today it was just us five. As we sat around the table at Macaroni Grill, I was amazed. I was amazed at their uniqueness. How much I love and admire each one, yet they are completely their own person. They love each other, and love to bicker too! As I sat there watching them I didn't feel behind! I am not behind in the area of parenting, I am 43 and my children are all in college. You could argue that is almost being ahead! We have three children whom are all in college, what a blessing!
I was reminded today that of all the things I have had the opportunity to do, of all the things I have been asked to do, of all my jobs, or titles, Mom is one of my favorites! (I'd say favorite, but it has to take a second seat to being a wife.... although not sure I can call that a job :)) It is perhaps my most important job and looking at my three children, I have to say, I'm not behind!
Tonight I am thanking God for entrusting Chris and I with these three incredible human beings.
Today a dear friend Sondra reminded me to keep my focus on dying to self. I know it is equally as bad to puff up ones self as it is to loath ones self. Both are being consumed with self! So tonight I am praising God for my children, and the blessings he has brought and I will surrender me. I will not beat myself up over being behind, or puff myself up over being ahead, but instead look to Jesus Christ, rest in his love tonight and bask in His presence.
Ahhhh how sweet it is. This has been just one more day trying to live MtC! Looking at Him, that is how!
I will get caught up, but for now, I want to keep moving forward and not getting farther behind.
Tomorrow our little girl, our Anna is being pinned! She is graduating with her AS in Nursing. It is hard to believe. She is headed down to Florida this next week for two interviews. I am so proud of her. So thankful for her mind, her heart and her willingness to work hard. I was able to spend quite a bit of time with her today. We shopped for a purse, shoes etc for her interview and enjoyed the time together. This was a much needed day of just being with our kids. We went out to eat with our three children, what a joy to have our family all together. For many years now there are always other friends, or girlfriend or boyfriends around, but today it was just us five. As we sat around the table at Macaroni Grill, I was amazed. I was amazed at their uniqueness. How much I love and admire each one, yet they are completely their own person. They love each other, and love to bicker too! As I sat there watching them I didn't feel behind! I am not behind in the area of parenting, I am 43 and my children are all in college. You could argue that is almost being ahead! We have three children whom are all in college, what a blessing!
I was reminded today that of all the things I have had the opportunity to do, of all the things I have been asked to do, of all my jobs, or titles, Mom is one of my favorites! (I'd say favorite, but it has to take a second seat to being a wife.... although not sure I can call that a job :)) It is perhaps my most important job and looking at my three children, I have to say, I'm not behind!
Tonight I am thanking God for entrusting Chris and I with these three incredible human beings.
Today a dear friend Sondra reminded me to keep my focus on dying to self. I know it is equally as bad to puff up ones self as it is to loath ones self. Both are being consumed with self! So tonight I am praising God for my children, and the blessings he has brought and I will surrender me. I will not beat myself up over being behind, or puff myself up over being ahead, but instead look to Jesus Christ, rest in his love tonight and bask in His presence.
Ahhhh how sweet it is. This has been just one more day trying to live MtC! Looking at Him, that is how!
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Tuesday
Today has all been about getting ready to travel to Anna's graduation. I have been trying to figure out what to wear, when to leave, etc. etc. It is amazing how difficult little tasks are when you are exhausted!
The big task for the day was cleaning out the car. That may not sound like a big deal, but there were two huge reasons why it took most of my day. First and most disgusting was the milk carton, I forgot was in there that then proceeded to explode in the heat and leak all over the back seat. The smell was unbearable!Second, I have been living out of it for several weeks so the amount of "stuff" all through the car, trunk, back seat, front seat, everywhere, was ridiculous! It took forever to weed through it all and get it completely cleaned out. I had to take out the back seat and completely clean underneath it. I had to clean a seat belt etc. It was crazy.
I couldn't help but think about this process as I stared at my trunk full of (C) and wondered where and how to begin. The trunk had remnants of my life over the last couple months. Receipts, bulletins, drink bottles, clothes, shoes, gifts, cards, it was this crazy pile of trash and non trash that all had some connection to what has been happening in my life.
I realized this process of letting go and cleaning out the (C) in my life is basically a pile or remnants from my life. I kept thinking as I was cleaning out the trunk, "why did this not go directly in the trash. What possessed me to put it in the trunk instead of finding a trash can?" The same stands for all the (C). Why didn't I bearing it, why didn't I wash it off along the way?
So today as I was struggling with what to wear this weekend, feeling insecure about my looks, about my wardrobe, I decided to bury it. To let it go and keep the focus where it needs to be, on ANNA! I am so proud of her, and this weekend is about celebrating her! I am not going to let my (C) clutter up the weekend. Just as I cleaned out the car, so we would have more room, and so we could travel clutter free, I am going to do my best to bury the (C) and spend the weekend (C) free with my girl!
The big task for the day was cleaning out the car. That may not sound like a big deal, but there were two huge reasons why it took most of my day. First and most disgusting was the milk carton, I forgot was in there that then proceeded to explode in the heat and leak all over the back seat. The smell was unbearable!Second, I have been living out of it for several weeks so the amount of "stuff" all through the car, trunk, back seat, front seat, everywhere, was ridiculous! It took forever to weed through it all and get it completely cleaned out. I had to take out the back seat and completely clean underneath it. I had to clean a seat belt etc. It was crazy.
I couldn't help but think about this process as I stared at my trunk full of (C) and wondered where and how to begin. The trunk had remnants of my life over the last couple months. Receipts, bulletins, drink bottles, clothes, shoes, gifts, cards, it was this crazy pile of trash and non trash that all had some connection to what has been happening in my life.
I realized this process of letting go and cleaning out the (C) in my life is basically a pile or remnants from my life. I kept thinking as I was cleaning out the trunk, "why did this not go directly in the trash. What possessed me to put it in the trunk instead of finding a trash can?" The same stands for all the (C). Why didn't I bearing it, why didn't I wash it off along the way?
So today as I was struggling with what to wear this weekend, feeling insecure about my looks, about my wardrobe, I decided to bury it. To let it go and keep the focus where it needs to be, on ANNA! I am so proud of her, and this weekend is about celebrating her! I am not going to let my (C) clutter up the weekend. Just as I cleaned out the car, so we would have more room, and so we could travel clutter free, I am going to do my best to bury the (C) and spend the weekend (C) free with my girl!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
218 Academy Days begins
This post is very late. Academy days started this past Friday and I slept about a total of 9 hours the entire weekend. Even today, I still could not muster the energy to catch up on blogging. I had taken notes, written down thoughts from the weekend, but completing a blog post was more than I could do.
Friday, the day was filled with moments where I kept hearing, how unprepared I was. I was constantly seeing things I wish I had done. Finding holes in my program, Wishing I had more done. Yet the entire day was also filled with colleagues stepping up and helping out. It was filled with students willingly and cheerfully doing jobs that were boring and even gross. At one point I had to ask some gentlemen to go to the ball field and pick up dog (C). They were willing and had it done in just moments.
I awoke Friday with the realization that I needed a huge list of supplies from the store and I no time in the day to get them! Tammy was headed to Walmart to pick up a couple things for me, and I couldn't bear to ask her to get the whole list. I awoke panicked. I had failed to make the list and purchase it earlier, it was my failure and now fuel for (C) I was holding on to. I prayed about it, asked for strength to let go of the (C) and then sent a text to Tammy with the entire list. I don't like to ask for help, especially!!!!!!!! if it is my failure that has put me in the position to need help. Non the less, I asked, and then continued on my work. After completing several much needed projects, I headed into the office to find my office full of bags from Walmart, the entire list, already in my office. Thank you, thank you Tammy!!!!
Lunch time came and I knew I didn't have time to eat, then Beth came by my office and suggested we get a quick lunch. I didn't feel like I had time, but knew I need to be better at eating on crazy days. Then I thought about printing that needed to be picked up at the printers, right next to Neo Burrito. We headed out the door, ate a good lunch and picked up the printing and headed back to school. That ended up being the only meal I ate all day until 10:30 at night when Tammy again came to my rescue and fed me. Thank you Beth!!!!! Thank you Tammy!!!
Today I started many many times to load crap on myself, I kept seeing all my failures, all my short comings. All day I kept seeing how when I was willing to ask for help, willing to accept help, things went so much better. It is easy and a double dose of destructive behavior to not ask for help because of (C) I am believing about myself. When I was willing to set it down, accept my failure without loading on the (C), then and only then was I able to ask for the help. As a result, I survived the day with a family around me helping with the load.
As I was contemplating the day as vespers was going on, a woman come into the lobby of the church with her daughter and her daughters friend who she brought to Academy Days. I welcomed them and quickly deducted that this woman had had a terrible day. She looked beat, or beaten down. She looked like she was about to fall apart. She was wanting to unload her daughters things asap so that she could start down the road another hour+ drive to her parents home. I suggested we get a hotel for her. She said she couldn't, she had no way to pay for it. I immediately without thinking offered to have the school pay for her hotel, to take care of it so she could go and get some rest. Moments later after the girls had gone into vespers she told me of her day and with tears accepted my offer. She had been beaten down all week at work, had an eternally long day and was now facing financial struggles she was completely unprepared for. She was tired and hopeless.
As I went to bed, Friday I was exhausted, scared of what Sabbath would bring, thankful for letting those around me help me, and thankful that I was able to read the woman's need and listen to the Holy Spirit prompting me to offer hospitality.
The whole experience was a reminder that yes I may not be as organized as I would like, I may not have completed everything I wanted to complete, there are many areas I fall short in, but there are also areas that I excel in. I am good at person to person interaction! I am good at communicating with all types of individuals. God has blessed me, so I need to keep working to improve, while working hard to do what I know he has blessed me with. I need to stop focusing on the (C) and see the gifts he has given and use them the best I can!
Friday, the day was filled with moments where I kept hearing, how unprepared I was. I was constantly seeing things I wish I had done. Finding holes in my program, Wishing I had more done. Yet the entire day was also filled with colleagues stepping up and helping out. It was filled with students willingly and cheerfully doing jobs that were boring and even gross. At one point I had to ask some gentlemen to go to the ball field and pick up dog (C). They were willing and had it done in just moments.
I awoke Friday with the realization that I needed a huge list of supplies from the store and I no time in the day to get them! Tammy was headed to Walmart to pick up a couple things for me, and I couldn't bear to ask her to get the whole list. I awoke panicked. I had failed to make the list and purchase it earlier, it was my failure and now fuel for (C) I was holding on to. I prayed about it, asked for strength to let go of the (C) and then sent a text to Tammy with the entire list. I don't like to ask for help, especially!!!!!!!! if it is my failure that has put me in the position to need help. Non the less, I asked, and then continued on my work. After completing several much needed projects, I headed into the office to find my office full of bags from Walmart, the entire list, already in my office. Thank you, thank you Tammy!!!!
Lunch time came and I knew I didn't have time to eat, then Beth came by my office and suggested we get a quick lunch. I didn't feel like I had time, but knew I need to be better at eating on crazy days. Then I thought about printing that needed to be picked up at the printers, right next to Neo Burrito. We headed out the door, ate a good lunch and picked up the printing and headed back to school. That ended up being the only meal I ate all day until 10:30 at night when Tammy again came to my rescue and fed me. Thank you Beth!!!!! Thank you Tammy!!!
Today I started many many times to load crap on myself, I kept seeing all my failures, all my short comings. All day I kept seeing how when I was willing to ask for help, willing to accept help, things went so much better. It is easy and a double dose of destructive behavior to not ask for help because of (C) I am believing about myself. When I was willing to set it down, accept my failure without loading on the (C), then and only then was I able to ask for the help. As a result, I survived the day with a family around me helping with the load.
As I was contemplating the day as vespers was going on, a woman come into the lobby of the church with her daughter and her daughters friend who she brought to Academy Days. I welcomed them and quickly deducted that this woman had had a terrible day. She looked beat, or beaten down. She looked like she was about to fall apart. She was wanting to unload her daughters things asap so that she could start down the road another hour+ drive to her parents home. I suggested we get a hotel for her. She said she couldn't, she had no way to pay for it. I immediately without thinking offered to have the school pay for her hotel, to take care of it so she could go and get some rest. Moments later after the girls had gone into vespers she told me of her day and with tears accepted my offer. She had been beaten down all week at work, had an eternally long day and was now facing financial struggles she was completely unprepared for. She was tired and hopeless.
As I went to bed, Friday I was exhausted, scared of what Sabbath would bring, thankful for letting those around me help me, and thankful that I was able to read the woman's need and listen to the Holy Spirit prompting me to offer hospitality.
The whole experience was a reminder that yes I may not be as organized as I would like, I may not have completed everything I wanted to complete, there are many areas I fall short in, but there are also areas that I excel in. I am good at person to person interaction! I am good at communicating with all types of individuals. God has blessed me, so I need to keep working to improve, while working hard to do what I know he has blessed me with. I need to stop focusing on the (C) and see the gifts he has given and use them the best I can!
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