Good morning! I didn't get the post made last night, because I was working on a sermon for today. It is at my home church and only needs to be 10 min. long. That should make it easy. But for some reason it has been hard preparing. I just can't seem to get the outline straight. It has just been a struggle. I have prayed about it, asked for clarity, asked for a quick and concise way to share this journey of letting go of the crap without every having to say crap and it has just not come to me.
My house is full of guests, which is a blessing and giving so much joy! We are looking forward to a wonderful party tonight and my heart is full of joy and anticipation. Yet when I think about these 10 min. I am not at peace. I know I just need to surrender it. I know I just need to let him speak.... I am praying this will be the Lords 10 minutes and I am praying he will give me the wisdom to know how best to share my story.
Thanks for your prayers!
Happy Sabbath!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
97- Making a Difference
Just noticed yesterdays post.... what is with the title, (be, be) who knows what I was thinking!
So today I came home after a very tiring and frustrating day, feeling sick to my stomach and all around exhausted, and there were dishes that needed washing. With Andrew and friends just minutes away, I decided there was no better time than the present to get the dishes done. I headed into the kitchen and got to work. Minutes later Chris came in the kitchen and started drying and putting away dishes. We started talking about our day and it just seemed normal. Then about half way through the process, I realized I had not even considered telling him to leave and let me do it. I had not even thought about insisting he leave and stop working. I hadn't even thought about how nice it was to have him help, it was just normal. At that moment, I told him I that I had not expected him to help. He said he knew that but he wanted to.
I realize this seems like such a nothing event but it was huge, huge, huge for me. In 22 years I have never been able to have Chris come and join me in working without me insisting that he doesn't need to help, I don't want him to help, etc. The reason is all the (C) I assume he is thinking, all the (C) I am feeling about the fact that it even needs to be done. Today there was nothing. No crap at all!
Unless it is not clear this is what I normally would have been thinking..... 97 days ago if Chris had come into the kitchen and I was doing dishes I would have thought....
* He is discussted with me because I am a slob.
*I should have had this done earlier.
*I am lazy and he is always doing everything
*He is resenting having to help me.
*He thinks if he doesn't help me that I won't get it done, because I never follow through.
Today, nothing!!!! I just enjoyed not only the company, but the help. It used to be I was thrilled if he would sit in the kitchen and talk with me. We were done in a matter of minutes and the kids arrived. We headed out the door to take them to pizza and once again NO (C)! I would normally feel bad that I had not planned better and had things prepared so that we could eat at home, a more economically smart move! Tonight, I was thankful and accepted his gesture as an expression of his love for me!
I was so encouraged this evening. So thankful for the progress I see! So thankful that this New Years, I may still be fat, I may still have a long way to go before I am a runner, but I have made progress and it is the first time EVER I feel like I can say that! In looking at this year, I know I am making progress and it is making a difference in the quality of my life and those around me.
So today I came home after a very tiring and frustrating day, feeling sick to my stomach and all around exhausted, and there were dishes that needed washing. With Andrew and friends just minutes away, I decided there was no better time than the present to get the dishes done. I headed into the kitchen and got to work. Minutes later Chris came in the kitchen and started drying and putting away dishes. We started talking about our day and it just seemed normal. Then about half way through the process, I realized I had not even considered telling him to leave and let me do it. I had not even thought about insisting he leave and stop working. I hadn't even thought about how nice it was to have him help, it was just normal. At that moment, I told him I that I had not expected him to help. He said he knew that but he wanted to.
I realize this seems like such a nothing event but it was huge, huge, huge for me. In 22 years I have never been able to have Chris come and join me in working without me insisting that he doesn't need to help, I don't want him to help, etc. The reason is all the (C) I assume he is thinking, all the (C) I am feeling about the fact that it even needs to be done. Today there was nothing. No crap at all!
Unless it is not clear this is what I normally would have been thinking..... 97 days ago if Chris had come into the kitchen and I was doing dishes I would have thought....
* He is discussted with me because I am a slob.
*I should have had this done earlier.
*I am lazy and he is always doing everything
*He is resenting having to help me.
*He thinks if he doesn't help me that I won't get it done, because I never follow through.
Today, nothing!!!! I just enjoyed not only the company, but the help. It used to be I was thrilled if he would sit in the kitchen and talk with me. We were done in a matter of minutes and the kids arrived. We headed out the door to take them to pizza and once again NO (C)! I would normally feel bad that I had not planned better and had things prepared so that we could eat at home, a more economically smart move! Tonight, I was thankful and accepted his gesture as an expression of his love for me!
I was so encouraged this evening. So thankful for the progress I see! So thankful that this New Years, I may still be fat, I may still have a long way to go before I am a runner, but I have made progress and it is the first time EVER I feel like I can say that! In looking at this year, I know I am making progress and it is making a difference in the quality of my life and those around me.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
96- Fun to be be admired
This afternoon the girls and I had a few moment to do some shopping to see if we could find something for Anna to wear for the New Years Eve party. After a couple stores we ended up in a store with the intention of looking for one pair of pants for Anna. Let's just say, Chris decided to pick out things for me to try on. As I stepped out of the dressing room to show him how the blouses looked, his eyes said it all. He was trying to critique what he saw but the twinkle in his eye gave him away. He was having great pleasure in what he saw. I was able to fight off the erg to believe the (C) I have for so long! I just looked back at him and thought about how much I love him. How blessed I am to have a man who sees the beauty even when I have been unable to. Tonight here at home while modeling a couple things he didn't see in the store he again seemed so please to be looking at me. I just looked back and enjoyed the twinkle in his eye!
I know that God has a twinkle in his eye when watching us, I know that he loves us and admires his creation. I know that he longs to spend time with us and is looking forward to a time when we are physically with him in heaven. He longs to watch us be free of the shackles this world binds to us. Today and tonight I was far from being free of the shackles or the (C) but I let go I could and pretended the rest! At one point I put on something that I was not comfortable in and Chris didn't get as much pleasure when I was insecure and uncomfortable. The confidence and comfort contributes to the beauty he saw. Or was it less about me being more beautiful because of the confidence and more to do with him wanting me to feel that confidence and comfort, just because he loves me and hopes for me to have more. More freedom.
Regardless tonight I feel loved and admired and I know that what Chris feels for me is just a tiny example of the love God has for me. I know God also wants for me more than anything to accept the freedom he offers if I will but let him work in my life.
I know that God has a twinkle in his eye when watching us, I know that he loves us and admires his creation. I know that he longs to spend time with us and is looking forward to a time when we are physically with him in heaven. He longs to watch us be free of the shackles this world binds to us. Today and tonight I was far from being free of the shackles or the (C) but I let go I could and pretended the rest! At one point I put on something that I was not comfortable in and Chris didn't get as much pleasure when I was insecure and uncomfortable. The confidence and comfort contributes to the beauty he saw. Or was it less about me being more beautiful because of the confidence and more to do with him wanting me to feel that confidence and comfort, just because he loves me and hopes for me to have more. More freedom.
Regardless tonight I feel loved and admired and I know that what Chris feels for me is just a tiny example of the love God has for me. I know God also wants for me more than anything to accept the freedom he offers if I will but let him work in my life.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
95- Home Again Home Again!
Well the family Christmas is over and we are home. I can not tell you how much I worried about so many things. I was worried about making it through this time without being disrespectful of my parents, and yet still stand up for me. I worried about all the childhood crap coming up while around my siblings and my parents, but it was fine. In fact it was wonderful! I felt more free, more true to myself, which made it possible for me to be more thoughtful of others.
One thing I realized is that learning to let go of the (C) in my life has helped me learn to identify the (C) of others as their (C) and therefore not taking it on me. Over and over again this Christmas I would recognize a situation or a comment that would have in the past added (C) to my person, and this year I just saw it for what it was, their (C). I didn't even have to reject it or put it down, it was simply theirs. It made this perhaps the best time I have had with my family in a long time! I enjoyed so much about it! It was a very merry Christmas!
One thing I realized is that learning to let go of the (C) in my life has helped me learn to identify the (C) of others as their (C) and therefore not taking it on me. Over and over again this Christmas I would recognize a situation or a comment that would have in the past added (C) to my person, and this year I just saw it for what it was, their (C). I didn't even have to reject it or put it down, it was simply theirs. It made this perhaps the best time I have had with my family in a long time! I enjoyed so much about it! It was a very merry Christmas!
Day 94- A great moment of Clarity!
Today I awoke to the smell of breakfast being cooked. I got dressed and headed downstairs to help out. There were plenty of people helping out so I went on into the family room and spent time with the kids. Then later on I was summoned to the kitchen. In the kitchen I was asked how I make brown sugar homemade syrup. I told mom that I don't make brown sugar syrup but just a simple syrup with maple flavoring, she actually didn't believe me at first. Then my sister in law shared what she makes, then mom started talking about what she makes, there was stress, debate with an attempt to figure out the perfect syrup. I simply left the room and went into the family room. I sat down next to my dad and had a conversation about what had happened. In that conversation I realized some very important things.
First, for years when the stressful moments like that happen, not bad stress but stressful none the less, I just take it. I hate it, it erodes away at my soul, yet I usually just take it, or get mad. Today, I just walked away.
Second, I realized time that is just freely mine is important. For example, I grew up in a house where when Mom decided that she needed to get things done, it had to be done, right then, and what I was doing or not doing didn't matter, I had to help out that very moment. I realized I need time that is just mine. Time where I am free to do nothing or be productive but where I get to decided. This opened my eyes to issues Chris and I have had. It helped me understand myself so much better and it all happened because I was willing and able to walk away from a stressful situation. It also was possible because I didn't take on (C) like I normally would when in those stressful situations.
I have been amazed at how much better things are getting. I am very encouraged knowing this process is helping me be more mindful, more conscious of what is going on so that I have the ability to deal with it.
First, for years when the stressful moments like that happen, not bad stress but stressful none the less, I just take it. I hate it, it erodes away at my soul, yet I usually just take it, or get mad. Today, I just walked away.
Second, I realized time that is just freely mine is important. For example, I grew up in a house where when Mom decided that she needed to get things done, it had to be done, right then, and what I was doing or not doing didn't matter, I had to help out that very moment. I realized I need time that is just mine. Time where I am free to do nothing or be productive but where I get to decided. This opened my eyes to issues Chris and I have had. It helped me understand myself so much better and it all happened because I was willing and able to walk away from a stressful situation. It also was possible because I didn't take on (C) like I normally would when in those stressful situations.
I have been amazed at how much better things are getting. I am very encouraged knowing this process is helping me be more mindful, more conscious of what is going on so that I have the ability to deal with it.
93- Merry Christmas!!!
This post was written on time, but not posted until today.
Merry Christmas! What a wonderful exhausting day it has been. Eating has been the theme of the day. We started with homemade kuchen and homemade sweet rolls as an appetizer before the real breakfast. Then we had roll ups with hash browns, and before everyone was even done with breakfast, we were starting lunch, with Rubin sandwiches, cake, pumpkin pie, cookies and such. It was a day of gluttony. We skipped the big Christmas dinner since we were all so full and had so much food that needed to be eaten. A great day if you love eating!
The day was also filled with conversation, with just being together. Watching my the little ones interact and play. Sitting around the room at any given time were very little people interacting with their family. It was so much fun to watch the family connecting on a multigenerational way.
We had opened presents on Christmas Eve so today was a day just spent together. It was a day free of most (C). I have been surprised at how much easier it is for me to set it down, to let it go. I have been enjoying the difference. I am much more aware of when it is others (C) and not something I need to take on. It was possibly the most refreshing time at home.
Merry Christmas to all!
Merry Christmas! What a wonderful exhausting day it has been. Eating has been the theme of the day. We started with homemade kuchen and homemade sweet rolls as an appetizer before the real breakfast. Then we had roll ups with hash browns, and before everyone was even done with breakfast, we were starting lunch, with Rubin sandwiches, cake, pumpkin pie, cookies and such. It was a day of gluttony. We skipped the big Christmas dinner since we were all so full and had so much food that needed to be eaten. A great day if you love eating!
The day was also filled with conversation, with just being together. Watching my the little ones interact and play. Sitting around the room at any given time were very little people interacting with their family. It was so much fun to watch the family connecting on a multigenerational way.
We had opened presents on Christmas Eve so today was a day just spent together. It was a day free of most (C). I have been surprised at how much easier it is for me to set it down, to let it go. I have been enjoying the difference. I am much more aware of when it is others (C) and not something I need to take on. It was possibly the most refreshing time at home.
Merry Christmas to all!
Sunday, December 25, 2011
92- Christmas Eve, Sabbath, A Baptism
Today has been a very happy Sabbath! It is wonderful spending time with family, watching my niece be baptized, and then having Christmas with a house full of little kids! What joy. I only had a couple moments where I started to think old patterns of thought, but for the most part I was able to stop and focus on truth, or focus on not taking on others (C) and it went quite well. I have also focused on being proactive in helping out and doing what needs to be done when it needs to be done. That has helped to make the times when I'm not working more restful, and I have very much enjoyed that. I really wish I had gifts for must a couple people but, I can't give to everyone and there is no shame in that.
A real highlight of today was watching my niece being baptized. It was just our family at a local baptist church. We had amazing music, including an original song written by my brother for the occasion, several special musics and just lots of singing. It reminded me watching the actual baptism that baptism is a symbolic event that frankly symbolizes this process. After all I am hoping for a wonderful cleansing, a bath, a shower that rids my life of all the (C) and I want to end in a beautiful white fluffy bath robe. It was a beautiful reminder that this process is not about what I do but about what He does for me. It is about Him giving me the strength and guidance as to what I need to let go of and then He washes me. He helps me to build new pathways, to experience a new life!
As Suzanne came out after the baptism back in her clothes with her dripping wet hair I thought what a beautiful place to be, fresh out of the bath only Christ can provide! I am thankful tonight for the cleansing he is willing to provide! I am so thankful that He is in this with me. That He is willing to wash me, and then I can put on that white as snow robe and live a life without so much (C)!
Merry Christmas Eve!
A real highlight of today was watching my niece being baptized. It was just our family at a local baptist church. We had amazing music, including an original song written by my brother for the occasion, several special musics and just lots of singing. It reminded me watching the actual baptism that baptism is a symbolic event that frankly symbolizes this process. After all I am hoping for a wonderful cleansing, a bath, a shower that rids my life of all the (C) and I want to end in a beautiful white fluffy bath robe. It was a beautiful reminder that this process is not about what I do but about what He does for me. It is about Him giving me the strength and guidance as to what I need to let go of and then He washes me. He helps me to build new pathways, to experience a new life!
As Suzanne came out after the baptism back in her clothes with her dripping wet hair I thought what a beautiful place to be, fresh out of the bath only Christ can provide! I am thankful tonight for the cleansing he is willing to provide! I am so thankful that He is in this with me. That He is willing to wash me, and then I can put on that white as snow robe and live a life without so much (C)!
Merry Christmas Eve!
Saturday, December 24, 2011
91- Family
We are finally here, at mom and dad's house. Tonight all but one of my siblings are here, and as I start typing this at 3:22 we are all still sitting by the fire having deep conversations, what a blessing siblings are! This is so wonderful.
On the way up here today I was fighting lots and lots of (C)! There is nothing like going to your parents home to bring up (C) that has been stuffed and buried, but carried around. I am not going to go into the detail of all the (C) but shall I just say all the (C) from childhood, all the unresolved insecurities, all the feelings of failure etc seem to be enhanced. Mind you, I have an amazing home, wonderful loving brothers, a God given beautiful, smart sister, a mother who is always working so hard for us all, and a daddy who always makes me feel like a lady. Yet with all this, there is still so much crap that I feel and have carried for so long that becomes so stinky to me when coming home. This time coming home it is so much more clear, I feel it, see it and smell it. Perhaps it is because of this whole process, but I have been almost panicked coming up here today knowing I was going to have to face a lot of sticky (C).
Tonight, sitting here listening and talking with my amazing siblings, it makes all my fear almost laughable. There are parts of being home that are so amazing, that sooth and strengthen me. I am so thankful for my family and so thankful for the amazing people sitting in this room with me as we struggle with the very difficult issues of life. I love this!!!
I know there will be moments of (C), there will be times when I struggle with things I thought were buried. However being with family also brings strength and I am tonight much more at peace that as I face the (C) it will be made easier by the family around me.
On the way up here today I was fighting lots and lots of (C)! There is nothing like going to your parents home to bring up (C) that has been stuffed and buried, but carried around. I am not going to go into the detail of all the (C) but shall I just say all the (C) from childhood, all the unresolved insecurities, all the feelings of failure etc seem to be enhanced. Mind you, I have an amazing home, wonderful loving brothers, a God given beautiful, smart sister, a mother who is always working so hard for us all, and a daddy who always makes me feel like a lady. Yet with all this, there is still so much crap that I feel and have carried for so long that becomes so stinky to me when coming home. This time coming home it is so much more clear, I feel it, see it and smell it. Perhaps it is because of this whole process, but I have been almost panicked coming up here today knowing I was going to have to face a lot of sticky (C).
Tonight, sitting here listening and talking with my amazing siblings, it makes all my fear almost laughable. There are parts of being home that are so amazing, that sooth and strengthen me. I am so thankful for my family and so thankful for the amazing people sitting in this room with me as we struggle with the very difficult issues of life. I love this!!!
I know there will be moments of (C), there will be times when I struggle with things I thought were buried. However being with family also brings strength and I am tonight much more at peace that as I face the (C) it will be made easier by the family around me.
Friday, December 23, 2011
90-Thankful for gifts
So today was filled with the very last minutes of shopping. I picked up a couple things I know I needed and tried to find a couple more gifts just because. We are headed to my parents house for Christmas and I wanted to have something for all the nieces and nephews but then I also wanted to have something for my sister and amazing brother. But then where does it stop. I can't afford to buy for everyone. These are the thoughts running through my head as I make the last couple thoughts. To help maintain the surprise I can't share all the blessings but lets just say I will not have a gift for everyone but I will have a gift for several people that I had not planned for. I found some wonderful deals that I think will make a nice gift but didn't break the bank. I am excited about gift giving.
I really appreciate what a gift can do. I love gift giving. Not the obligated, I a have to find, so in so a gift, but real gift giving. You know the. . . where I try to find something to give you as an expression of my love. In our family (meaning my parents home) when we have had big family gatherings it has always been suggested that we should not do gifts. To many people, to little money, to much hassle, so lets just not do gifts. I hate the idea of not doing gifts. It is not that I want a gift. I want to give unexpected gifts. I hate when people try to tell me I can't or who put restrictions on it. For example I hate being told I can only spend X.
Today, as I was driving around trying to figure out who and if I should buy or make or just not have something for them, I found lots of (C) getting in the way of my joy. I was feeling guilty for spending money, and feeling guilty for not finding gifts for some. I kept battling and trying figure out what is it that drives me or what (C) is there that makes this such an issue for me, or is it even (C). I have not come up with the answers but I do have a need to be the one who comes with arm fulls of packages. It doesn't need to be of monetary value, but I want it to be some kind of expression of love. I want people to open it up and feel the love. I want them to know. So I guess, it is less about the gift and more about wanting them to understand my feelings for them.
Today, as I found remarkable deals on a couple gifts, I also came up with no cost ideas for a couple family members. The joy that filled my soul each time I found something was remarkable. I love the process of thinking of them and wrapping for them. Wrapping is very important. I love everything about it. However yesterday as I was putting my huge sparkly bows on gifts I thought how many will think it is ridiculous. Ridiculous that I brought gifts and ridiculous that I have wrapped them with huge beautiful bows. I fight with knowing that some in my family will not accept it as the gift it is intended to be but will criticize the "extravagance" or the unnecessary nature of me having gifts for them. It hurts me when the desire I have to give is just seen as "to much". It hurts me when people can't just accept the gift. I guess because when they don't accept the gift they are not accepting the me I am giving them.
Today as I finished up the Christmas shopping I am bracing myself for moments when people don't accept my gift as just what it is, a gift and expression of my love. I am also realizing how many times, how daily, I do the same thing to God. He has given me so many gifts, my family, (and a very long list of things everyone would put), but he has also given me so many things I don't like to acknowledge or appreciate. He has given me beautiful eyes (wow that was almost impossible to write), He has given me a sense of humor, He has given me beautiful and quite plentiful hair. He has given me GRACE! He has given me wisdom, He has given me . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..... Today I want to thank HIM, today I want to put down my own crap and see His gift to me, and accept it. Today I am so thankful for gifts. Thankful for the joy and pleasure of purchasing, making, wrapping and giving gifts. Today I am so thankful for a heavenly father who is excited to lavish us, and I am thankful for the fun that comes with finding and giving the perfect gift for everyone.
I really appreciate what a gift can do. I love gift giving. Not the obligated, I a have to find, so in so a gift, but real gift giving. You know the. . . where I try to find something to give you as an expression of my love. In our family (meaning my parents home) when we have had big family gatherings it has always been suggested that we should not do gifts. To many people, to little money, to much hassle, so lets just not do gifts. I hate the idea of not doing gifts. It is not that I want a gift. I want to give unexpected gifts. I hate when people try to tell me I can't or who put restrictions on it. For example I hate being told I can only spend X.
Today, as I was driving around trying to figure out who and if I should buy or make or just not have something for them, I found lots of (C) getting in the way of my joy. I was feeling guilty for spending money, and feeling guilty for not finding gifts for some. I kept battling and trying figure out what is it that drives me or what (C) is there that makes this such an issue for me, or is it even (C). I have not come up with the answers but I do have a need to be the one who comes with arm fulls of packages. It doesn't need to be of monetary value, but I want it to be some kind of expression of love. I want people to open it up and feel the love. I want them to know. So I guess, it is less about the gift and more about wanting them to understand my feelings for them.
Today, as I found remarkable deals on a couple gifts, I also came up with no cost ideas for a couple family members. The joy that filled my soul each time I found something was remarkable. I love the process of thinking of them and wrapping for them. Wrapping is very important. I love everything about it. However yesterday as I was putting my huge sparkly bows on gifts I thought how many will think it is ridiculous. Ridiculous that I brought gifts and ridiculous that I have wrapped them with huge beautiful bows. I fight with knowing that some in my family will not accept it as the gift it is intended to be but will criticize the "extravagance" or the unnecessary nature of me having gifts for them. It hurts me when the desire I have to give is just seen as "to much". It hurts me when people can't just accept the gift. I guess because when they don't accept the gift they are not accepting the me I am giving them.
Today as I finished up the Christmas shopping I am bracing myself for moments when people don't accept my gift as just what it is, a gift and expression of my love. I am also realizing how many times, how daily, I do the same thing to God. He has given me so many gifts, my family, (and a very long list of things everyone would put), but he has also given me so many things I don't like to acknowledge or appreciate. He has given me beautiful eyes (wow that was almost impossible to write), He has given me a sense of humor, He has given me beautiful and quite plentiful hair. He has given me GRACE! He has given me wisdom, He has given me . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..... Today I want to thank HIM, today I want to put down my own crap and see His gift to me, and accept it. Today I am so thankful for gifts. Thankful for the joy and pleasure of purchasing, making, wrapping and giving gifts. Today I am so thankful for a heavenly father who is excited to lavish us, and I am thankful for the fun that comes with finding and giving the perfect gift for everyone.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
89- Christmas!
Merry Christmas! Chris and I decided to surprise the kids and have Christmas early! It was fun, we had a great time opening presents and just being together.
Today I have struggled with the idea of getting old. Age has never bothered me, or shall I say the idea of getting old has never bothered me. I spent so much of my life feeling like I was to young for everything, that I have enjoyed being OLD! However today was different. I think digesting the idea that I am well on my way to menopause gave me some (C) to struggle with. I know I am a little uneasy about this process, afraid of the mood swings more than anything. I have worked so hard in the last 10 years to shed the depression and I have started feeling quite normal for the last couple years and dread struggling with emotional (C)! I have been concerned with whether or not I have the strength to navigate this process with grace.
I have also spent my married life always being ready, or interested.... if you know what I mean :)..... and I am afraid of that changing, afraid that with the (C) I am already dealing with in the area of feeling sexy, this process will add to my struggle.
I am frankly quite amazed at the number of issues I have had to deal with since starting this process. It has only been 89 days and I have been dealing with huge things and just days before Christmas, with my whole family, I have another huge issue to deal with. Really! Just the timing has contributed to the (C).
Tonight Chris and I had sometime alone and we enjoyed laughing a lot! Tonight I had a wonderful time with my kids! Tonight I enjoyed surprising the kids with Christmas. Tonight I am praising God for a partner and lover who is willing to navigate this process with me. So with the above blessings, tonight I am praising God and remembering how important praising is, in giving me strength to battle the (C).
Today I have struggled with the idea of getting old. Age has never bothered me, or shall I say the idea of getting old has never bothered me. I spent so much of my life feeling like I was to young for everything, that I have enjoyed being OLD! However today was different. I think digesting the idea that I am well on my way to menopause gave me some (C) to struggle with. I know I am a little uneasy about this process, afraid of the mood swings more than anything. I have worked so hard in the last 10 years to shed the depression and I have started feeling quite normal for the last couple years and dread struggling with emotional (C)! I have been concerned with whether or not I have the strength to navigate this process with grace.
I have also spent my married life always being ready, or interested.... if you know what I mean :)..... and I am afraid of that changing, afraid that with the (C) I am already dealing with in the area of feeling sexy, this process will add to my struggle.
I am frankly quite amazed at the number of issues I have had to deal with since starting this process. It has only been 89 days and I have been dealing with huge things and just days before Christmas, with my whole family, I have another huge issue to deal with. Really! Just the timing has contributed to the (C).
Tonight Chris and I had sometime alone and we enjoyed laughing a lot! Tonight I had a wonderful time with my kids! Tonight I enjoyed surprising the kids with Christmas. Tonight I am praising God for a partner and lover who is willing to navigate this process with me. So with the above blessings, tonight I am praising God and remembering how important praising is, in giving me strength to battle the (C).
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
88-Let the fun begin
So It is 8 am and I am finally getting to write last nights post. So according to webMD it is official I am having perimenopause symptoms. So why is this important to this blog. Well yesterday, everything was going fine. I got up early made breakfast for Jay Yo, a student staying one night with us, and then took him to the airport. Last year Jay was rushed home to his dying father and then was able to donate an organ and save his fathers life. He was telling me all about it on the way to the airport. It was such an inspirational story and he is such a sweet soul. I left him at the airport feeling refreshed and uplifted. He was such a blessing. I then was able to go and do some Christmas shopping, which was interrupted by a call from Chris asking me to join him for lunch! Another wonderful blessing. Then a phone call from Sarah asking if she could join us for lunch... double blessing. Spent the afternoon shopping with Sarah, always a blessing... and then home to see my other children. Life is so good.......right?............well..............................
.....................then all of a sudden, I am wanting to cry, I'm irritated at everyone and everything is going wrong. We needed dish washing soap from the store and no child was able or willing to go.... my car was parked behind another car so I had to take Andrews....couldn't find the things I needed at the store...forgot food for today's lunch... broke an egg in my cart when the carton gave way....the back hatch didn't close completely after loading the car, drove all the way home with it loose afraid my groceries were going to end up on the ground behind me....putting away groceries, the entire carton of eggs fell out of the carton, I had already forgotten about the defective carton.........I'm so upset that Chris asks if I am upset at him, if he has done something wrong...... put away orange juice and hit the above shelf, on the door, in the fridge causing the entire shelf and all its contents to plummet to the floor.....Chris tells me to go into the other room and just sit down.... Andrew comes in the kitchen hearing the disaster and gives me a huge hug and tells me to come see something very important to him.... walks me into the living room sits me down in the chair and hands me the Chik-fil-A package Becca gave him and then walks back into the kitchen to help Chris clean up the mess.
At this point I am wanting to laugh, cry, scream, and run away all at the same time. Andrew was making me want to laugh, with his goofy, funny, yet very tender way of dealing with my break down. I was wanting to cry for causing so much strife, scream because I was mad and run away so I could just have some down time. I decided to go to my room, snuggle down in bed, turn on the TV, and hide. I kept wanting to cry, a very familiar feeling when my period starts but no period in sight. One could say I was tired, a true and accurate statement, but I knew it was more than that. Chris came in a bit later and was very kind and sweet. He tucked me in more and forbade me from leaving the bed. I was happy to do just that. I thought I should blog, but it would have been nothing more than an emotional incoherent rant, and I needed to just think of nothing. I snuggled down and napped waking when Chris would come and check on me and finally fell asleep for the night. It was far from a restless free night of sleep, but it was sleep.
I am feeling better this morning but still a bit emotional and weepy. I decided to look up perimenopause symptoms and I have all but one, and have had many of them for the last couple months. So let the fun begin!
So what does this have to do with letting go of the (C).
First, understanding what is going on with me will help to put the blame in the right place. Or understand why I am having mood swings will help me to figure out a remedy without blaming the egg carton or the kids, or my husband etc.
Second, I spend so many early years of my childrens life depressed and I did nothing about it. I refuse to cause strife in their life because of hormonal imbalance. I will figure out a way to do something. I need to go see professionals and figure out the best way to navigate through this time without damaging those around me. I don't want to make excuses and then harm everyone in my path!
Third, I plan to have a talk with my kids today, and let them know what is going on so they don't take on (C) that I am throwing their way. I want them to understand and hopefully help them with the process of dealing with a mom in this time.
This morning I am fighting with lots and lots of (C), more than I can begin to tell you. I am not sure how much of that is as a result of what is going on physically but it has already been a difficult morning. However, I am at least realizing it is not just me going crazy. I realize this is a part of this crazy journey, called life that I am going to have to walk through.
So today I am praying for strength, wisdom, and a continued relationship with my Lord. I hope to go through this journey with His grace and find a way to not let what is happening physically control me. Today, I am praying for the ability to get through the next few days and be able to celebrate the way I so love to do!!!!!
Let the fun begin!
.....................then all of a sudden, I am wanting to cry, I'm irritated at everyone and everything is going wrong. We needed dish washing soap from the store and no child was able or willing to go.... my car was parked behind another car so I had to take Andrews....couldn't find the things I needed at the store...forgot food for today's lunch... broke an egg in my cart when the carton gave way....the back hatch didn't close completely after loading the car, drove all the way home with it loose afraid my groceries were going to end up on the ground behind me....putting away groceries, the entire carton of eggs fell out of the carton, I had already forgotten about the defective carton.........I'm so upset that Chris asks if I am upset at him, if he has done something wrong...... put away orange juice and hit the above shelf, on the door, in the fridge causing the entire shelf and all its contents to plummet to the floor.....Chris tells me to go into the other room and just sit down.... Andrew comes in the kitchen hearing the disaster and gives me a huge hug and tells me to come see something very important to him.... walks me into the living room sits me down in the chair and hands me the Chik-fil-A package Becca gave him and then walks back into the kitchen to help Chris clean up the mess.
At this point I am wanting to laugh, cry, scream, and run away all at the same time. Andrew was making me want to laugh, with his goofy, funny, yet very tender way of dealing with my break down. I was wanting to cry for causing so much strife, scream because I was mad and run away so I could just have some down time. I decided to go to my room, snuggle down in bed, turn on the TV, and hide. I kept wanting to cry, a very familiar feeling when my period starts but no period in sight. One could say I was tired, a true and accurate statement, but I knew it was more than that. Chris came in a bit later and was very kind and sweet. He tucked me in more and forbade me from leaving the bed. I was happy to do just that. I thought I should blog, but it would have been nothing more than an emotional incoherent rant, and I needed to just think of nothing. I snuggled down and napped waking when Chris would come and check on me and finally fell asleep for the night. It was far from a restless free night of sleep, but it was sleep.
I am feeling better this morning but still a bit emotional and weepy. I decided to look up perimenopause symptoms and I have all but one, and have had many of them for the last couple months. So let the fun begin!
So what does this have to do with letting go of the (C).
First, understanding what is going on with me will help to put the blame in the right place. Or understand why I am having mood swings will help me to figure out a remedy without blaming the egg carton or the kids, or my husband etc.
Second, I spend so many early years of my childrens life depressed and I did nothing about it. I refuse to cause strife in their life because of hormonal imbalance. I will figure out a way to do something. I need to go see professionals and figure out the best way to navigate through this time without damaging those around me. I don't want to make excuses and then harm everyone in my path!
Third, I plan to have a talk with my kids today, and let them know what is going on so they don't take on (C) that I am throwing their way. I want them to understand and hopefully help them with the process of dealing with a mom in this time.
This morning I am fighting with lots and lots of (C), more than I can begin to tell you. I am not sure how much of that is as a result of what is going on physically but it has already been a difficult morning. However, I am at least realizing it is not just me going crazy. I realize this is a part of this crazy journey, called life that I am going to have to walk through.
So today I am praying for strength, wisdom, and a continued relationship with my Lord. I hope to go through this journey with His grace and find a way to not let what is happening physically control me. Today, I am praying for the ability to get through the next few days and be able to celebrate the way I so love to do!!!!!
Let the fun begin!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
87- From Nothing to Much
So yesterday I really had nothing to write about. I struggled to post and the length shows how little there was. Then today, I have the opposite problem. There is just way to much to blog about. If I blogged about all the times I was dealing with this issue of letting go of the (C) I would be blogging all night long, and since it is 1:30 am, I will just pick a couple.
First, tonight was the Mount Pisgah Academy staff party. At parties I tend to be the bouncer, not booting people out of club type bouncer, but a bouncer who never stays to long talking to anyone person but who bounces from one person to the next. I flit or flutter, bounce or drift from one conversation to another. As a result most of my party attending experiences consist of lots of short and rather shallow conversations. Tonight I realized that I felt the need to bounce around, because of (C). I bounce because I don't want someone to think I was ignoring them, I bounce because I don't want anyone to feel like I am paying another more attention. I bounce for a variety of reasons, they all have to do with worrying about what others are thinking. So tonight, I found myself trying to figure out where to sit, meaning, where should I sit, and then wanting to bounce and yet not sure I had the energy. I thought about it, identified the (C) and then let it go. I had a wonderful time, great conversation, but didn't get to say hello to a lot of people. It is hard to see and speak to everyone and have deep and interesting conversations with just a few all at the same time. So tonight was about having meaningful conversation with just a couple. So victory?... Not exactly. I am even now struggling with the missed conversations or greetings. I am worried about their feelings being hurt etc.... but trying to let it go.
I also had an interesting conversation with my son about his career path. In the conversation he mentioned that he believes the people that are successful don't just have the desire to be something but a bigger vision, a big picture of where they would like things to go. It struck me as very interesting. I wanted to ask him or tell him to start dreaming big and work towards that bigger vision, but then I stopped and asked myself the question, "am I dreaming about a big vision for the rest of my life, or just a little unfocused one." I can't really say I have. So tonight, I am going to think about dreaming. Pray about dreaming.
Tonight I want to discover my big picture dream and let go of the (C) associated with worrying about what people think, and think about what God wants me to do and when. There is so much more that I have been thinking about but for sure these were the two biggest, and I am very tired.
I want to say a few thank you's tonight...
Thank you.....
Becca Anderson for loving and caring for my sick boy! You are such a blessing, I love you!
To Andrew for keeping me awake and talking with me. I love you and always enjoy our talks.
To Sondra Kerbs, what a treat to run into you today! Just a wonderful surprise.
To the Seals, what a pleasure getting to know you all better! Vonda your girls are a delight and I enjoyed talking with you!
To Rick and Beth, thanks for more than I can mention. Love you!
First, tonight was the Mount Pisgah Academy staff party. At parties I tend to be the bouncer, not booting people out of club type bouncer, but a bouncer who never stays to long talking to anyone person but who bounces from one person to the next. I flit or flutter, bounce or drift from one conversation to another. As a result most of my party attending experiences consist of lots of short and rather shallow conversations. Tonight I realized that I felt the need to bounce around, because of (C). I bounce because I don't want someone to think I was ignoring them, I bounce because I don't want anyone to feel like I am paying another more attention. I bounce for a variety of reasons, they all have to do with worrying about what others are thinking. So tonight, I found myself trying to figure out where to sit, meaning, where should I sit, and then wanting to bounce and yet not sure I had the energy. I thought about it, identified the (C) and then let it go. I had a wonderful time, great conversation, but didn't get to say hello to a lot of people. It is hard to see and speak to everyone and have deep and interesting conversations with just a few all at the same time. So tonight was about having meaningful conversation with just a couple. So victory?... Not exactly. I am even now struggling with the missed conversations or greetings. I am worried about their feelings being hurt etc.... but trying to let it go.
I also had an interesting conversation with my son about his career path. In the conversation he mentioned that he believes the people that are successful don't just have the desire to be something but a bigger vision, a big picture of where they would like things to go. It struck me as very interesting. I wanted to ask him or tell him to start dreaming big and work towards that bigger vision, but then I stopped and asked myself the question, "am I dreaming about a big vision for the rest of my life, or just a little unfocused one." I can't really say I have. So tonight, I am going to think about dreaming. Pray about dreaming.
Tonight I want to discover my big picture dream and let go of the (C) associated with worrying about what people think, and think about what God wants me to do and when. There is so much more that I have been thinking about but for sure these were the two biggest, and I am very tired.
I want to say a few thank you's tonight...
Thank you.....
Becca Anderson for loving and caring for my sick boy! You are such a blessing, I love you!
To Andrew for keeping me awake and talking with me. I love you and always enjoy our talks.
To Sondra Kerbs, what a treat to run into you today! Just a wonderful surprise.
To the Seals, what a pleasure getting to know you all better! Vonda your girls are a delight and I enjoyed talking with you!
To Rick and Beth, thanks for more than I can mention. Love you!
Monday, December 19, 2011
86- REST--- Ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What an absolutely amazing weekend. Good times with friends, beautiful surroundings, more of the Christmas shopping done, a wonderful Christmas show with great music, and lots n lots of REST! Sabbath as we were sitting, and gazing at God's amazing creation that surrounded us, I was reminded of the incredible healing power of REST!!!
With rest, time with family and friends, tonight I am feeling refreshed. It is amazing how much easier it is to keep the (C) away when you are rested. Sleep, fresh air, and time with God does wonders for the ability to think positively. What I am trying to say is I have nothing to write about. Nothin'!!! I think if I were to write arecipe for letting go of the crap one of the ingredients would be rest. Real stress free rest.
So this Christmas break, this Christmas vacation I am going to try to get some rest.
With rest, time with family and friends, tonight I am feeling refreshed. It is amazing how much easier it is to keep the (C) away when you are rested. Sleep, fresh air, and time with God does wonders for the ability to think positively. What I am trying to say is I have nothing to write about. Nothin'!!! I think if I were to write arecipe for letting go of the crap one of the ingredients would be rest. Real stress free rest.
So this Christmas break, this Christmas vacation I am going to try to get some rest.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Post 82... Just because
It is sabbath morning and I am just finishing up some quiet time with God. I had some thoughts and decided to blog and make up for missing day 82.
We are at Ocean Isle and I am sitting on my bed looking out a the ocean, listening to the waves and enjoying the ocean breeze coming in through the open door. The ocean looks like a sequin covered dress that is dancing in the light. It is not only beautiful, but alive, and sparkly. It takes my breath away. Not just the beauty but the affirmation of my love for things that sparkle. Light is an amazing thing. Right now it is soothing me, calming me and exciting me all at the same time. The sparkle reminds me of how I imagine heaven to be, it reminds me of what I desire my heart to be, it reminds me of my sparkle loving girl and of beautiful jewelry. I realize that a different person could sit in this very spot and be soothed and excited about the rushes, the sand, and the mat blue sky. Or they might love the maze of man made wooden decks leading to the ocean. They might be drawn to the architecture of the gazebo or the palm trees. All have an appeal but for me the sparkling ocean makes me want to find a sparkling sequin dress that shimmers. What does this have to do with living without the (C) in my life. The ocean today is just a gift from God, reminding me to sparkle, to be the ocean and let others be the sand. Both beautiful and together they create a magical picture. If I try to be the sand then you just have a sand box instead of the beautiful view outside this window. I am simply reminded to be me, to keep striving to be the me HE created me to be. To live it boldly and wildly for Him. If that means being the crazy woman in the room with a full sequin dress when everyone else is wearing a little black number so be it.
Happy Sabbath!
We are at Ocean Isle and I am sitting on my bed looking out a the ocean, listening to the waves and enjoying the ocean breeze coming in through the open door. The ocean looks like a sequin covered dress that is dancing in the light. It is not only beautiful, but alive, and sparkly. It takes my breath away. Not just the beauty but the affirmation of my love for things that sparkle. Light is an amazing thing. Right now it is soothing me, calming me and exciting me all at the same time. The sparkle reminds me of how I imagine heaven to be, it reminds me of what I desire my heart to be, it reminds me of my sparkle loving girl and of beautiful jewelry. I realize that a different person could sit in this very spot and be soothed and excited about the rushes, the sand, and the mat blue sky. Or they might love the maze of man made wooden decks leading to the ocean. They might be drawn to the architecture of the gazebo or the palm trees. All have an appeal but for me the sparkling ocean makes me want to find a sparkling sequin dress that shimmers. What does this have to do with living without the (C) in my life. The ocean today is just a gift from God, reminding me to sparkle, to be the ocean and let others be the sand. Both beautiful and together they create a magical picture. If I try to be the sand then you just have a sand box instead of the beautiful view outside this window. I am simply reminded to be me, to keep striving to be the me HE created me to be. To live it boldly and wildly for Him. If that means being the crazy woman in the room with a full sequin dress when everyone else is wearing a little black number so be it.
Happy Sabbath!
85-Victory in Jesus....
So the above song has often annoyed me! Victory in Jesus.....la la la la la la.... He bought me and sought me.... I can hear the tune... The annoying part is not the words but the melody and the twang that I heard it sung with the first time. Tonight as I write, I am claiming victory in several areas and I know it is only because of Him. So this morning I awoke to....
I literally took this picture with my phone from bed. I love sunrises and this morning it was such a beautiful one! Chris was getting ready to head out for a day of golf and I love watching him get ready in the morning so everything was perfect. Then the thought... I should go running. It is such a perfect day and place for that. However, I would rather just sit here, actually lie here and enjoy the breeze, the ocean sounds and the amazing sunrise. Then in walks Anna, asking if I would like to run with her. I tell her no. I would rather just stay right where I was. She then asks if she can barrow my phone to track her run. I tell her yes, and in that moment realize how stupid it is that I didn't want to go, or more accurately how stupid I wasn't willing to go! So I got up put on my shoes and clothes and headed out the door with Anna. We had a wonderful time ran 2.18 miles, Anna found two sand dollars (a whole other story). It was amazing! Victory 1...
Then had a wonderful breakfast with deep and meaningful conversation with just the ladies, Beth, Becca, Katey and Anna. It was such a blessing. And then it was time to get ready. I needed a shower after the run, and that meant I needed to spend almost 40 min. getting this hair dry or doing what I do to often, go with a wet head. I really wanted to look cute, take time for me etc, but the run and the conversation were so important and both took a lot of time, time I needed for this hair. I took my shower and then constantly worrying about keeping people waiting I ran down stairs to see how much longer. Becca said she only needed five more minutes. I was hoping for 45! I ran back up stairs resigned to wet hair and make up being put on in the car. Then after brushing it out, I just said, NO! No, to wet hair, no to not putting on make up. NO No No! So I rushed through the bare minimum hair dry, and put on make up and ran down stairs. I apologized and shocker... Everyone was fine. No one was in a rush or angry and I felt much better than the drowned rat alternative! Victory 2....
Shopping with people has never been my favorite past time. Mostly because I am so self conciouse about making people wait on me or go into a store I want to that I do nothing, usually get nothing and just walk around with friends. This can be very enjoyable, however I tend to fight with myself if I ever see anything I might be interested in because I just cant tell people that I want to go else where. I know it is a problem... So today we ladies were headed out to shop all day. I really love and feel very safe with the ladies I was heading out with and I prayed that today would be a day of wonderful fellowship and fun shopping moments for all of us. I vowed to be willing to stop and look, to try on or to ask to go into a store I wanted to go into. On our way to the mall, we past a TJ Maxx. I have been looking for a specific item at TJ Maxx and was hoping to stop and just take a quick look to see if it was there. So I asked and they agreed and wow what a joy it was. Terrifying but a joy too! It was such a blessed day. We had such a great time and I can honestly say I enjoyed every minute! Victory 3.
I am so grateful for these moments where I see God working to give me the strength to fight through some of the issues I have. I really believe that he wants us to be free. He wants us to find healing from insecurities and victory in Him! So tonight I am humming that annoying song with new meaning.
O victory in Jesus,
My Savior, forever. He sought me and bought me With His redeeming blood; He loved me ere I knew Him
And all my love is due Him, He plunged me to victory, Beneath the cleansing flood.
Then had a wonderful breakfast with deep and meaningful conversation with just the ladies, Beth, Becca, Katey and Anna. It was such a blessing. And then it was time to get ready. I needed a shower after the run, and that meant I needed to spend almost 40 min. getting this hair dry or doing what I do to often, go with a wet head. I really wanted to look cute, take time for me etc, but the run and the conversation were so important and both took a lot of time, time I needed for this hair. I took my shower and then constantly worrying about keeping people waiting I ran down stairs to see how much longer. Becca said she only needed five more minutes. I was hoping for 45! I ran back up stairs resigned to wet hair and make up being put on in the car. Then after brushing it out, I just said, NO! No, to wet hair, no to not putting on make up. NO No No! So I rushed through the bare minimum hair dry, and put on make up and ran down stairs. I apologized and shocker... Everyone was fine. No one was in a rush or angry and I felt much better than the drowned rat alternative! Victory 2....
Shopping with people has never been my favorite past time. Mostly because I am so self conciouse about making people wait on me or go into a store I want to that I do nothing, usually get nothing and just walk around with friends. This can be very enjoyable, however I tend to fight with myself if I ever see anything I might be interested in because I just cant tell people that I want to go else where. I know it is a problem... So today we ladies were headed out to shop all day. I really love and feel very safe with the ladies I was heading out with and I prayed that today would be a day of wonderful fellowship and fun shopping moments for all of us. I vowed to be willing to stop and look, to try on or to ask to go into a store I wanted to go into. On our way to the mall, we past a TJ Maxx. I have been looking for a specific item at TJ Maxx and was hoping to stop and just take a quick look to see if it was there. So I asked and they agreed and wow what a joy it was. Terrifying but a joy too! It was such a blessed day. We had such a great time and I can honestly say I enjoyed every minute! Victory 3.
I am so grateful for these moments where I see God working to give me the strength to fight through some of the issues I have. I really believe that he wants us to be free. He wants us to find healing from insecurities and victory in Him! So tonight I am humming that annoying song with new meaning.
O victory in Jesus,
My Savior, forever. He sought me and bought me With His redeeming blood; He loved me ere I knew Him
And all my love is due Him, He plunged me to victory, Beneath the cleansing flood.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Day 84- Ahhhhhh!!!!!
So we are at the beach house, Ocean Isle. It was 70+ degrees this afternoon, we had all the windows and doors open enjoying the cool breeze blowing through the house. What a wonderful gift God's beauty is. How good it is for the soul! Right now I am lying in bed with the sliding door open, listening to the ocean. There is something so peaceful and amazing about ocean air and sound.
Today I have thought about last nights post, and have tried intentionally to simply do things when they need to be done. To just Do IT! It has been amazing really. Made the mac n cheese for Sabbath, got the laundry done, and still found time to, do one of my favorite past times, sit! I sat and talked with Chris, sat in the car, sat and talked with Anna while she packed, sat and watched some TV and sat and laughed with friends. All that sitting and I still accomplished the things I needed to, when I needed to. I would love for this to become a habit!
I learned something today, it is not the sitting that bothers me, it is the sitting, when I should be doing. For example, today I brought a load of laundry from home that needed to be hung up to dry. Instead of sitting at home for it to dry or bringing wet clothes in the car, I just brought the laundry and did it here. At one point I was upstairs, watching some tv with Chris when I remembered my laundry. I would have in the past, just sat there, and then felt guilt and loaded piles of (C) on myself, about what a slob I am, about how lazy I am, and so on and so forth. Tonight, I just jumped up, put the laundry in, then came right back to sit by Chris. It is so simply but for some reason I really struggle with the whole getting up when I am sitting thing. Getting up and getting something done is sometimes painful. Silly, perhaps, a bad habit, for sure!
The lovely AHHHHHH thing about today was that having completed the things I needed, those moments of sitting were so much more lovely! So much more restful! It was wonderful! Tonight while laughing and fellow-shipping I wasn't thinking about the fact that I should have done the laundry, because it was done. I wasn't thinking about needing to make the mac n cheese, because it was done and in the fridge. I realize this all sounds very elementary, but we all do it with something at sometime. And if you never do than you probably have a hard time with the sitting part which is also vitally important to life! I do think I have perhaps come to believe a huge pile of (C) about myself and that belief has turned into reality. I have thought of myself as lazy, and a slob, so I have learned to be just that. I have not ever seen myself as anything other than behind, and I am just that, much of the time. Today I have been trying to stop myself from thinking that (C) about myself and instead believing that I can and will get it done now. It won't take that long and then it will be done and what a great feeling that will be.
So tonight as I lie here in bed I am soaking in all the peace this place has to offer and letting go of so much (C) not just by believing otherwise but by acting otherwise too! I know and believe that the sitting is so important and so good for us, and I will not give that up; but how much sweeter the sitting is if the tasks are done too!
Today I have thought about last nights post, and have tried intentionally to simply do things when they need to be done. To just Do IT! It has been amazing really. Made the mac n cheese for Sabbath, got the laundry done, and still found time to, do one of my favorite past times, sit! I sat and talked with Chris, sat in the car, sat and talked with Anna while she packed, sat and watched some TV and sat and laughed with friends. All that sitting and I still accomplished the things I needed to, when I needed to. I would love for this to become a habit!
I learned something today, it is not the sitting that bothers me, it is the sitting, when I should be doing. For example, today I brought a load of laundry from home that needed to be hung up to dry. Instead of sitting at home for it to dry or bringing wet clothes in the car, I just brought the laundry and did it here. At one point I was upstairs, watching some tv with Chris when I remembered my laundry. I would have in the past, just sat there, and then felt guilt and loaded piles of (C) on myself, about what a slob I am, about how lazy I am, and so on and so forth. Tonight, I just jumped up, put the laundry in, then came right back to sit by Chris. It is so simply but for some reason I really struggle with the whole getting up when I am sitting thing. Getting up and getting something done is sometimes painful. Silly, perhaps, a bad habit, for sure!
The lovely AHHHHHH thing about today was that having completed the things I needed, those moments of sitting were so much more lovely! So much more restful! It was wonderful! Tonight while laughing and fellow-shipping I wasn't thinking about the fact that I should have done the laundry, because it was done. I wasn't thinking about needing to make the mac n cheese, because it was done and in the fridge. I realize this all sounds very elementary, but we all do it with something at sometime. And if you never do than you probably have a hard time with the sitting part which is also vitally important to life! I do think I have perhaps come to believe a huge pile of (C) about myself and that belief has turned into reality. I have thought of myself as lazy, and a slob, so I have learned to be just that. I have not ever seen myself as anything other than behind, and I am just that, much of the time. Today I have been trying to stop myself from thinking that (C) about myself and instead believing that I can and will get it done now. It won't take that long and then it will be done and what a great feeling that will be.
So tonight as I lie here in bed I am soaking in all the peace this place has to offer and letting go of so much (C) not just by believing otherwise but by acting otherwise too! I know and believe that the sitting is so important and so good for us, and I will not give that up; but how much sweeter the sitting is if the tasks are done too!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Day 83- Miss Me?
I missed a day.... hopefully I will get caught up over the weekend. If not Oh, well...That is life. So here it is... the (C) or struggle today. Today while getting angry or upset at some things that were being said to me, I realized I do the very same thing. How dare I get angry when I do it too! This is what it was... I tend to use genuine reasons to not do little things that will make a big difference in my life and in the lives of others. Case and point, tonight I came home to a counter full of rinsed but dirty dishes, that needed washing. Our dishwasher has quit working, or at least has quit working well. We have decided with just the two of us here most of the time, we will just go back to hand washing. As a result, when things are crazy, dishes end up not getting washed. Tonight I didn't want to do them, I was tired, I had cleaned my grandparents house today, made beds, drove for 3 hours and was ready to just sit. I did just that for a while, but the conversation kept bugging me. I kept thinking about how if I would just do little things, just take 10 minutes here and 40 minutes there, that life would be better for myself and those around me.
If I am totally honest there is a core laziness in me that needs to be worked out, or gotten rid of. I don't mind sitting and waiting on people, because it gives me an excuse to just sit. I love it when everyone is gone because I can just lay around and do nothing. I love people watching....great way to define doing nothing at all except watch the world go by. (I don't usually think much about what you might be thinking about what I am writing but I am right now!!!! Some of you are horrified, some of you are dumb founded and are making excuses for me and maybe some of you understand.) There is no sugar coating it I can be incredibly lazy. What is wrong is the (C) or excuses that I use to justify it. I am not saying there is anything wrong with not washing the dishes if time doesn't allow, however using (C) excuses to justify nothing more than simple basic laziness is (C) (C) (C)!!!!!
So tonight I got up and faced the beast (entire counter full of dishes that needed washing) and in 40 minutes I have a clean kitchen! It makes tomorrow morning so much more enjoyable! (Thanks to my amazing lover for joining me, talking with me, and drying the mountain!)
Tonight the (C) I am working to get rid of is commonly known as excuses! Excuses for any number of things but excuses are nothing more than a pile of stinky (C) and I'm ready to wash it off!!!
If I am totally honest there is a core laziness in me that needs to be worked out, or gotten rid of. I don't mind sitting and waiting on people, because it gives me an excuse to just sit. I love it when everyone is gone because I can just lay around and do nothing. I love people watching....great way to define doing nothing at all except watch the world go by. (I don't usually think much about what you might be thinking about what I am writing but I am right now!!!! Some of you are horrified, some of you are dumb founded and are making excuses for me and maybe some of you understand.) There is no sugar coating it I can be incredibly lazy. What is wrong is the (C) or excuses that I use to justify it. I am not saying there is anything wrong with not washing the dishes if time doesn't allow, however using (C) excuses to justify nothing more than simple basic laziness is (C) (C) (C)!!!!!
So tonight I got up and faced the beast (entire counter full of dishes that needed washing) and in 40 minutes I have a clean kitchen! It makes tomorrow morning so much more enjoyable! (Thanks to my amazing lover for joining me, talking with me, and drying the mountain!)
Tonight the (C) I am working to get rid of is commonly known as excuses! Excuses for any number of things but excuses are nothing more than a pile of stinky (C) and I'm ready to wash it off!!!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Day 81- Healing
Tonight I am writing by the fire, under the tree, in bed...it takes me back to my childhood, sleeping next to the tree, looking into the tree, mesmerized by the lights and enjoying the mood lighting it created. The fire adds to the ambiance. Being with my husband makes it all the better!!!!!!
In the midst of all of this beauty and comfort elements I am reminded of my great need for comfort. I'm not sure why or where it comes from but for some reason it is a great need of mine. I like down comforters, fires, hugs, mood lighting, hot drinks, soups, bread, cakes, pies, slippers, hoodies, and warm baths. All these bring me comfort. Not just comfort as in comfortable but it is like a blanket that insulates me from the pain I have held onto for so long. The pain of not being all I want to be, the pain of things said to me that I have held onto or believed, the pain of disappointment and so much more. Tonight, I am reminded that I am ready to enjoy these comfort elements for the sheer pleasure they bring and not need them as insulation. I am not exactly sure how to go about letting go of the hurt and the over all need for comfort. I wish it was as easy as forgiving and letting go of it all at one time, and maybe it is, but it is much more likely that it will be an ongoing process. Today, I spent sometime asking God to forgive me, I spent sometime asking God to heal the hurts, I spent sometime turning it over to Him. I am certainly not sure about this process or how to do it but I do know it never hurts to spend time with God, and to spend time turning things over to Him.
Some of the hurts I am trying to turn over are...
Loneliness: I spent much of my childhood without close friends, without a best friend, without someone to tell my feelings to, my hopes, dreams and disappointment. I am not lonely any more! I have dear wonderful friends that love me, know me, and encourage me. I have an amazing man who adores me and who listens to me and desires to understand me better. I have no reason to hold onto issues of loneliness. The pain of loneliness is in the past and I need to leave it there and let the wounds that came from those years be healed by God. So today, I am giving it to HIM!
Hurt that comes from hurtful things being said: This is a tricky one because it is something that still happens. It will always be something that can happen, however it is one thing to deal with the hurt that happens today and a very different thing to have to deal with 40 or so years of hurt AND the hurt from today. So today I spent sometime forgiving those that have hurt me and asking God to heal the hurt.
So tonight as Chris and I sleep under the Christmas tree, beside the fireplace, I am enjoying it all for with pure pleasure and able to soak it in, in a very different way!
In the midst of all of this beauty and comfort elements I am reminded of my great need for comfort. I'm not sure why or where it comes from but for some reason it is a great need of mine. I like down comforters, fires, hugs, mood lighting, hot drinks, soups, bread, cakes, pies, slippers, hoodies, and warm baths. All these bring me comfort. Not just comfort as in comfortable but it is like a blanket that insulates me from the pain I have held onto for so long. The pain of not being all I want to be, the pain of things said to me that I have held onto or believed, the pain of disappointment and so much more. Tonight, I am reminded that I am ready to enjoy these comfort elements for the sheer pleasure they bring and not need them as insulation. I am not exactly sure how to go about letting go of the hurt and the over all need for comfort. I wish it was as easy as forgiving and letting go of it all at one time, and maybe it is, but it is much more likely that it will be an ongoing process. Today, I spent sometime asking God to forgive me, I spent sometime asking God to heal the hurts, I spent sometime turning it over to Him. I am certainly not sure about this process or how to do it but I do know it never hurts to spend time with God, and to spend time turning things over to Him.
Some of the hurts I am trying to turn over are...
Loneliness: I spent much of my childhood without close friends, without a best friend, without someone to tell my feelings to, my hopes, dreams and disappointment. I am not lonely any more! I have dear wonderful friends that love me, know me, and encourage me. I have an amazing man who adores me and who listens to me and desires to understand me better. I have no reason to hold onto issues of loneliness. The pain of loneliness is in the past and I need to leave it there and let the wounds that came from those years be healed by God. So today, I am giving it to HIM!
Hurt that comes from hurtful things being said: This is a tricky one because it is something that still happens. It will always be something that can happen, however it is one thing to deal with the hurt that happens today and a very different thing to have to deal with 40 or so years of hurt AND the hurt from today. So today I spent sometime forgiving those that have hurt me and asking God to heal the hurt.
So tonight as Chris and I sleep under the Christmas tree, beside the fireplace, I am enjoying it all for with pure pleasure and able to soak it in, in a very different way!
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Day 80- Living minus the Crap
Today is a great example of living minus the crap! Frankly, it sometimes seems easy when with my man! His affirmation, glances, touch, and his just general pleasant nature makes it easy to set the (C) aside. Today has just been so pleasant. Just being together, appreciating the presence of each other has been medicine for the soul. We have laughed, talked and just really enjoyed companionship.
I realized today how the struggle is just easier when with a true partner. Man was not meant to be alone, and though I have wonderful friends who are an incredible support there is something important and special about the intimate relationship of a spouse. The intimacy that comes from having, not only an emotional intimacy, but sexual intimacy, makes this relationship of more importance. I guess I realize how important this relationship is for me. It is more than being in love, it is more than having a romantic partner. This relationship gives me strength to be more. Being adored and loved in such a meaningful way helps me in the process of fighting off, or not accepting the crap. I am not saying it is his responsibility or that it wouldn't be possible without him, but it is like he is standing along side me and supporting me when I want to just give up and sit down. I feel stronger when I am with him. I feel supported.
Today I can honestly say I don't remember one time accepting any (C). Today was a day minus the crap and I am so grateful for that! I am so thankful for a Savior who is still willing to forgive and redeem me. I am so thankful for His design, for His plan for us to have partners in life that can support and encourage us to keep moving forward, and to keep seeking a deeper relationship with Christ!
Today also was a beautiful reminder that the (C) might be familiar and it might be hard to let go, but Oh how sweet it is to not be playing around in it! I am ready to be free! I am ready for Christ to do His work in my life! I am ready to live free!
I realized today how the struggle is just easier when with a true partner. Man was not meant to be alone, and though I have wonderful friends who are an incredible support there is something important and special about the intimate relationship of a spouse. The intimacy that comes from having, not only an emotional intimacy, but sexual intimacy, makes this relationship of more importance. I guess I realize how important this relationship is for me. It is more than being in love, it is more than having a romantic partner. This relationship gives me strength to be more. Being adored and loved in such a meaningful way helps me in the process of fighting off, or not accepting the crap. I am not saying it is his responsibility or that it wouldn't be possible without him, but it is like he is standing along side me and supporting me when I want to just give up and sit down. I feel stronger when I am with him. I feel supported.
Today I can honestly say I don't remember one time accepting any (C). Today was a day minus the crap and I am so grateful for that! I am so thankful for a Savior who is still willing to forgive and redeem me. I am so thankful for His design, for His plan for us to have partners in life that can support and encourage us to keep moving forward, and to keep seeking a deeper relationship with Christ!
Today also was a beautiful reminder that the (C) might be familiar and it might be hard to let go, but Oh how sweet it is to not be playing around in it! I am ready to be free! I am ready for Christ to do His work in my life! I am ready to live free!
Day 79- I'm Ready
Today has been a very full day! Filled with blessings, tears, laughter, friendship and just plain hard work. My day started at 6am out the door by 7:15 and I just arrived home a few minutes ago, it is 1:20am. That is a long day. Tonight there are so many things to blog about I have to choose what or I would be writing all night.
Of all the blessings 3 things stand out the most...
1. In today's sermon I was impressed with the idea of being willing to let God in fully and let him clean me out. After all living MtC is not possible without giving Him free reign to power wash me. I kept thinking back to the beginning of this process and the illustration of wanting to have showered and gotten all the (C) off and sweet smelling lotion and then put on a fluffy white Terry Cloth Robe! I am so ready for Christ to do what he needs to do to clean me up, from the inside out. I want Him to clean my heart and mind, to take charge in my life and to guide and direct me in how to love and serve Him better.
2. In today's sermon an illustration was made that didn't sit well with me. It is not that there was anything wrong with what the pastor was saying, his point was accurate, I just didn't agree with the illustration used to make his point. I was however sitting next to a dear friend who I knew understood without me even saying anything. We have not even had a chance to mention it, since my day has been crazy, but it was such a blessing to have her there, knowing me, and understanding.
3. Tonight, when things were crazy and I wasn't sure it would all happen, so many people made it such a success. The evening was a hit and I am so grateful for so many. Roy, Bonny, Nancy, Tammy, Sandie, Dave F., Rick and Beth, Ed, Bob, and so many more. Everyone just stepped in and helped out. I was even able to leave and drive home and that means I get to sleep in in my bed with my husband. In fact I am going to stop blogging for now and snuggle down. I am falling asleep listening to his snoring :).
So tonight, I am ready to continue the process of letting go and giving God free reign to power wash me! Tonight I am thankful for my dear friend who knows me so well! tonight I am thankful for so many people who are willing to give of themselves to be part of MPA! Tonight most importantly I am so grateful to be home and in bed with a snoring husband!
Goodnight.... or technically good morning!
Of all the blessings 3 things stand out the most...
1. In today's sermon I was impressed with the idea of being willing to let God in fully and let him clean me out. After all living MtC is not possible without giving Him free reign to power wash me. I kept thinking back to the beginning of this process and the illustration of wanting to have showered and gotten all the (C) off and sweet smelling lotion and then put on a fluffy white Terry Cloth Robe! I am so ready for Christ to do what he needs to do to clean me up, from the inside out. I want Him to clean my heart and mind, to take charge in my life and to guide and direct me in how to love and serve Him better.
2. In today's sermon an illustration was made that didn't sit well with me. It is not that there was anything wrong with what the pastor was saying, his point was accurate, I just didn't agree with the illustration used to make his point. I was however sitting next to a dear friend who I knew understood without me even saying anything. We have not even had a chance to mention it, since my day has been crazy, but it was such a blessing to have her there, knowing me, and understanding.
3. Tonight, when things were crazy and I wasn't sure it would all happen, so many people made it such a success. The evening was a hit and I am so grateful for so many. Roy, Bonny, Nancy, Tammy, Sandie, Dave F., Rick and Beth, Ed, Bob, and so many more. Everyone just stepped in and helped out. I was even able to leave and drive home and that means I get to sleep in in my bed with my husband. In fact I am going to stop blogging for now and snuggle down. I am falling asleep listening to his snoring :).
So tonight, I am ready to continue the process of letting go and giving God free reign to power wash me! Tonight I am thankful for my dear friend who knows me so well! tonight I am thankful for so many people who are willing to give of themselves to be part of MPA! Tonight most importantly I am so grateful to be home and in bed with a snoring husband!
Goodnight.... or technically good morning!
Friday, December 9, 2011
Day 78- Beauty continued....
For a day filled with decorating, working, climbing and rushing around town, there has still be so much happen that keeps taking me back to this beauty thing. So I did get my hair cut, and grandmother said, "Did they cut it? I can't tell". Translation, "It is still too long and it looks bad on you". However before that comment from grandmother, and before I even got my hair cut I had an email come to my phone with a notice that Chris had commented on my blog. So I read it and in a cold gym surrounded by students I felt like crying. It was sweet and very sappy! JUST what I needed. It is amazing how those words made me feel like a lady instead of the little girl I always feel like when spoken to by my grandmother. I know that may seem normal and obvious, but I really believe it has less to do with the person and our age difference or relationship and more to do with the words and the way she says them. Her words are cutting, belittling and his were uplifting and affirming.
So I went to my appointment with my husbands words on my mind and heart, wow what a great gift it was. I sat in that chair and took my hair out of the ponytail and she couldn't even get the comb through it. It was so bad, huge, dry frizzy, you name it, it was terrible. I had no make up on, and was so tired. I just looked terrible. I kept fighting the (C). I wanted to just belittle myself but instead I dwelt on Chris's words, I kept playing them over and over as if his words would finally get through and transform me. An hour or so later I did look so much better.... it must have worked... LOL! Later I made it through grandmothers comments with the resolve that I am the woman Chris commented on and not the little girl she still sees.
Then I rush around again, run back to grandparents to change for vespers, had to help them and was late to vespers. I felt rushed and a bit flustered. Enjoyed the concert very much and then..... Vonda, beautiful Vonda comes up to me and says some very nice things about me and my pictures. I didn't handle it nearly as gracefully as I should have, I am very uncomfortable taking compliments, and after leaving I realized how awkward I must have seemed. I was anxious to get away, not from her but from the compliments. I have often wished Vonda and I could spend more time together, I really like her, but I couldn't wait to get away because of the compliments. ERG!!!! Such stupid (C). I every day tell girls and guys to accept compliments, I really want them to understand it. I really want them to KNOW the truth, to see the talent, or the beauty, etc that God has blessed them with. I want them desperately to accept it, but I can't accept it myself. Vonda, Tammy, and Beth, thank you for your compliments tonight.
So after leaving the church I took two girls up to the dorm to try on costumes for a play they are in tomorrow morning. Both girls were insecure and mentioned body issues, hair issues, and so on. It reminded me that it is important to get this stuff right. I need to stop being insecure so I am not thinking of myself but of others. The more insecure and unhappy with myself I am the less likely I am to reach out to others. For example, tonight Vonda, Beth and Tammy you three all looked amazing. Vonda your hair is always so beautiful and you have eyes that are not only beautiful but they grab you. Tonight you didn't let me go... you made me listen, really listen. You did that with your beautiful eyes. Beth, you are always so elegant, so put together and tonight was no exception. You just are a beauty for sure! I am so learning from your willingness to take time to dress, time to do your hair and time to do your make up. You are never just thrown together and I aspire to be like you. Tammy, you are so beautiful too, always concerned with those around you and working so hard to make a good life for all you come in contact with. You have such a beautiful smile that can make people feel welcome and it brings laughter at just the most needed times and lights up a room. Ricci, you are such a beauty, your hair is amazing and that smile is such a delight. Maryjean, you may not feel comfortable in a skirt but you should. You looked amazing and in your Delila costume, you look the part of an amazing beauty!
I needed to write all that. Even if you don't read it, I needed to write what I was really thinking tonight but didn't say. I frankly think sometimes we are happy with our insecurity, even proud that we are insecure. Or at least proud that we don't think we are beautiful, or comfortable believing we are ordinary or plain, Here is the deal, the insecurity often keeps us thinking about us, not others. The insecurity makes us dwell on our shortcomings instead of the beauty all around us. Tonight, I didn't let those around me know of their beauty because I was caught in my own crap and I am going to put it down.
So I went to my appointment with my husbands words on my mind and heart, wow what a great gift it was. I sat in that chair and took my hair out of the ponytail and she couldn't even get the comb through it. It was so bad, huge, dry frizzy, you name it, it was terrible. I had no make up on, and was so tired. I just looked terrible. I kept fighting the (C). I wanted to just belittle myself but instead I dwelt on Chris's words, I kept playing them over and over as if his words would finally get through and transform me. An hour or so later I did look so much better.... it must have worked... LOL! Later I made it through grandmothers comments with the resolve that I am the woman Chris commented on and not the little girl she still sees.
Then I rush around again, run back to grandparents to change for vespers, had to help them and was late to vespers. I felt rushed and a bit flustered. Enjoyed the concert very much and then..... Vonda, beautiful Vonda comes up to me and says some very nice things about me and my pictures. I didn't handle it nearly as gracefully as I should have, I am very uncomfortable taking compliments, and after leaving I realized how awkward I must have seemed. I was anxious to get away, not from her but from the compliments. I have often wished Vonda and I could spend more time together, I really like her, but I couldn't wait to get away because of the compliments. ERG!!!! Such stupid (C). I every day tell girls and guys to accept compliments, I really want them to understand it. I really want them to KNOW the truth, to see the talent, or the beauty, etc that God has blessed them with. I want them desperately to accept it, but I can't accept it myself. Vonda, Tammy, and Beth, thank you for your compliments tonight.
So after leaving the church I took two girls up to the dorm to try on costumes for a play they are in tomorrow morning. Both girls were insecure and mentioned body issues, hair issues, and so on. It reminded me that it is important to get this stuff right. I need to stop being insecure so I am not thinking of myself but of others. The more insecure and unhappy with myself I am the less likely I am to reach out to others. For example, tonight Vonda, Beth and Tammy you three all looked amazing. Vonda your hair is always so beautiful and you have eyes that are not only beautiful but they grab you. Tonight you didn't let me go... you made me listen, really listen. You did that with your beautiful eyes. Beth, you are always so elegant, so put together and tonight was no exception. You just are a beauty for sure! I am so learning from your willingness to take time to dress, time to do your hair and time to do your make up. You are never just thrown together and I aspire to be like you. Tammy, you are so beautiful too, always concerned with those around you and working so hard to make a good life for all you come in contact with. You have such a beautiful smile that can make people feel welcome and it brings laughter at just the most needed times and lights up a room. Ricci, you are such a beauty, your hair is amazing and that smile is such a delight. Maryjean, you may not feel comfortable in a skirt but you should. You looked amazing and in your Delila costume, you look the part of an amazing beauty!
I needed to write all that. Even if you don't read it, I needed to write what I was really thinking tonight but didn't say. I frankly think sometimes we are happy with our insecurity, even proud that we are insecure. Or at least proud that we don't think we are beautiful, or comfortable believing we are ordinary or plain, Here is the deal, the insecurity often keeps us thinking about us, not others. The insecurity makes us dwell on our shortcomings instead of the beauty all around us. Tonight, I didn't let those around me know of their beauty because I was caught in my own crap and I am going to put it down.
Day 77- Still...
I am not going to recount my day... suffice to say it was difficult. I am STILL... overwhelmed!!!! However the highs out weighed the lows. A wonderful evening with friends, laughing, relaxing, the CD with my pictures all wrapped up in such delightful detail....and that brings me to my blogging for today...
Tanya, brought me my package. The way she delivers her "product" is amazing. First she gives you the preview on her blog and then she brings you the real thing. It was a small box with a red satin ribbon around it and her signature sticker holding it closed, (very classy) then you opened it and the detail was just so exquisit that it would take way too long to try to describe. Let me just say it was so apparent that she had spent so much time on it. She had spent a lot of time working on this gift for me. Wow, what a blessing. Notice I was just mentioning the wrapping. The contents are priceless, proof of this experience, pictures I can use to work on brochures and send when I get a speaking engagement, but the wrapping was divine. It reminded me that the outside, the wrapping does matter. If there was nothing in the box it would not be as valuable for sure, but if you could have seen me opening the package... I was gently, untying the string, very gently and slowly opening it as I absorbed every detail. If she had walked in and handed me a CD in a CD case I would have been excited and looked forward to looking at the pictures, but the way things were done I savored every second of opening the gift. It some how even added value to the contents.
I have for so long believed the (C) that my appearance didn't matter... It is crap!!!! I know I have blogged about this before but I needed to again. I know if the contents of the package are nothing, no matter how fine you dress it up, it is still missing the main event. I know we shouldn't judge a book by its cover... but that statement is for the observer not the observed. Big difference. Jesus made birds in bright beautiful colors. He made flowers, sky and the starts. All have function but all have beauty that is unnecessary for function. There is so much beauty in all he made and yet then we say, "how we look doesn't matter"? Really? It should not matter most, but it matters.
I think the biggest pile of (C) that I have been hugging onto is that it doesn't matter... UNLESS it is what others think of you or of how they think you should be... and than it defines your worth. Tomorrow I am getting my hair cut, and I know when I come back to my grandparents, Grandmother will mention that I didn't get it cut enough. That it is too long. It will bother me, even hurt me. I know it is going to happen, and I know it shouldn't, but it will. Everytime I am doing my hair, I can hear my grandmother Chalmers (who has been dead a long time now) saying how people with long gray hair look ratty! When I wear things that are slightly low, (anything past my collar bone) Grandmother will give me a talk on modesty. I realize my grandmothers idea of looking great is a old lady hair cut, short and curly and turtle neck shirts. You know the look right? I know I don't want to look that way, so why do the comments hurt so bad, why do I care? Not sure, but this is for sure!!!!! IT IS CRAP!!! I need to be myself, I need to be willing to carefully spend time on my packaging, and make sure it is done so that it is pleasing to me. Tonight as I opened Tanya's wonderful package for me, I thought about how the quality and even the style of the packaging reflected the style and the talent of the contents within. Just so, if I try to make my outside such that everyone else is pleased with it, then it won't reflect me. If Tanya's packaging had been a completely different fell from what was inside it would not have been nearly as special. When I went to a 4 day seminar on public speaking they critiqued us on our appearance. I was terrified. I had shopped and tried my best to find an outfit that was public speaking esk....I bought a black pant suit with a crisp white shirt and great heals. When it came time for critique, I was almost hyperventilating. The woman very kindly said that I needed to dress with personality that matched my personality. She said, "When I look at you I am expecting, serious, strong, buisness, void of emotion, then you speak, and you come alive, are funny, and emotional and colorful! Your personality doesn't match the outside." I need to be me inside and out. I need to discover my style, my look, and then ROCK it!!!! I need to be freely me. I am not saying we shouldn't consult each other or talk about it with each other, but we need to have the confidence to then pick the "US" and do it, or be it.
I know that for some reason, I want to or tend to value and hug onto the (C) others want to throw at me and ignore the real me. So having my hair done tomorrow is important and I should have it done just as I think would be best, not my grandmother! Because if my grandmother had wrapped up the pictures that Tanya had taken it would look ridiculous and it would not at all be the beautiful gift that it was. If I let her get in the way of me being me, than I won't be nearly the package I should or could be. God created us to be unique individuals and I need to honor His creation in me.
So here are a few pictures of tonights amazing package...
First the package...
Then the content...or the inside... just a few of many many favorites!
Tanya, brought me my package. The way she delivers her "product" is amazing. First she gives you the preview on her blog and then she brings you the real thing. It was a small box with a red satin ribbon around it and her signature sticker holding it closed, (very classy) then you opened it and the detail was just so exquisit that it would take way too long to try to describe. Let me just say it was so apparent that she had spent so much time on it. She had spent a lot of time working on this gift for me. Wow, what a blessing. Notice I was just mentioning the wrapping. The contents are priceless, proof of this experience, pictures I can use to work on brochures and send when I get a speaking engagement, but the wrapping was divine. It reminded me that the outside, the wrapping does matter. If there was nothing in the box it would not be as valuable for sure, but if you could have seen me opening the package... I was gently, untying the string, very gently and slowly opening it as I absorbed every detail. If she had walked in and handed me a CD in a CD case I would have been excited and looked forward to looking at the pictures, but the way things were done I savored every second of opening the gift. It some how even added value to the contents.
I have for so long believed the (C) that my appearance didn't matter... It is crap!!!! I know I have blogged about this before but I needed to again. I know if the contents of the package are nothing, no matter how fine you dress it up, it is still missing the main event. I know we shouldn't judge a book by its cover... but that statement is for the observer not the observed. Big difference. Jesus made birds in bright beautiful colors. He made flowers, sky and the starts. All have function but all have beauty that is unnecessary for function. There is so much beauty in all he made and yet then we say, "how we look doesn't matter"? Really? It should not matter most, but it matters.
I think the biggest pile of (C) that I have been hugging onto is that it doesn't matter... UNLESS it is what others think of you or of how they think you should be... and than it defines your worth. Tomorrow I am getting my hair cut, and I know when I come back to my grandparents, Grandmother will mention that I didn't get it cut enough. That it is too long. It will bother me, even hurt me. I know it is going to happen, and I know it shouldn't, but it will. Everytime I am doing my hair, I can hear my grandmother Chalmers (who has been dead a long time now) saying how people with long gray hair look ratty! When I wear things that are slightly low, (anything past my collar bone) Grandmother will give me a talk on modesty. I realize my grandmothers idea of looking great is a old lady hair cut, short and curly and turtle neck shirts. You know the look right? I know I don't want to look that way, so why do the comments hurt so bad, why do I care? Not sure, but this is for sure!!!!! IT IS CRAP!!! I need to be myself, I need to be willing to carefully spend time on my packaging, and make sure it is done so that it is pleasing to me. Tonight as I opened Tanya's wonderful package for me, I thought about how the quality and even the style of the packaging reflected the style and the talent of the contents within. Just so, if I try to make my outside such that everyone else is pleased with it, then it won't reflect me. If Tanya's packaging had been a completely different fell from what was inside it would not have been nearly as special. When I went to a 4 day seminar on public speaking they critiqued us on our appearance. I was terrified. I had shopped and tried my best to find an outfit that was public speaking esk....I bought a black pant suit with a crisp white shirt and great heals. When it came time for critique, I was almost hyperventilating. The woman very kindly said that I needed to dress with personality that matched my personality. She said, "When I look at you I am expecting, serious, strong, buisness, void of emotion, then you speak, and you come alive, are funny, and emotional and colorful! Your personality doesn't match the outside." I need to be me inside and out. I need to discover my style, my look, and then ROCK it!!!! I need to be freely me. I am not saying we shouldn't consult each other or talk about it with each other, but we need to have the confidence to then pick the "US" and do it, or be it.
I know that for some reason, I want to or tend to value and hug onto the (C) others want to throw at me and ignore the real me. So having my hair done tomorrow is important and I should have it done just as I think would be best, not my grandmother! Because if my grandmother had wrapped up the pictures that Tanya had taken it would look ridiculous and it would not at all be the beautiful gift that it was. If I let her get in the way of me being me, than I won't be nearly the package I should or could be. God created us to be unique individuals and I need to honor His creation in me.
So here are a few pictures of tonights amazing package...
First the package...
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Day 76- A little overwhelmed!
We are three days away from a Christmas program that I am in charge of. I still have to get the decorating done, make sure my drama group is ready and has all the props needed to make their skits happen, I have refreshments to get done, I have programs to type and print, (still need to find paper to print them on) I have costumes to have ready for Sabbath morning drama at the Foster Church, school evaluation projects to work on, articles to write, and flyers to design and all I want to do is leave for Christmas vacation.
A little overwhelmed....yep. In times like this I really believe the biggest problem is not being behind, or all the things that need to get done but it is the (C) I keep telling myself. So tonight I am trying to let go, put it down and just accept that I have a lot to do, end of story. I'll let you know how that goes. Tonight in the midst of chaos, with my head rushing I am going to stop blogging, stop facebooking, stop everything, and I am going to spend some quiet time just praying and bathing in his words of love. Tonight as I was at a practice where my students were preparing for a drama they will perform this Sabbath, I was reminded of how very much our Savior loves us. He not only wants to save us, but he is desperate to be our calm in the midst of the storm. So tonight I am not going to keep working on how I can get it all done, and where I can get things, etc. I am just going to stop it all and close my eyes, pray, maybe sing, and let Him give me peace.
"Come unto me all ye who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest!"
A little overwhelmed....yep. In times like this I really believe the biggest problem is not being behind, or all the things that need to get done but it is the (C) I keep telling myself. So tonight I am trying to let go, put it down and just accept that I have a lot to do, end of story. I'll let you know how that goes. Tonight in the midst of chaos, with my head rushing I am going to stop blogging, stop facebooking, stop everything, and I am going to spend some quiet time just praying and bathing in his words of love. Tonight as I was at a practice where my students were preparing for a drama they will perform this Sabbath, I was reminded of how very much our Savior loves us. He not only wants to save us, but he is desperate to be our calm in the midst of the storm. So tonight I am not going to keep working on how I can get it all done, and where I can get things, etc. I am just going to stop it all and close my eyes, pray, maybe sing, and let Him give me peace.
"Come unto me all ye who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest!"
Day 75- The previews are up....
Well the day has come when more proof, of my frolic and romp while being photographed, is here. Tanya Musgrave called and let me know she would be posting the preview pictures on her blog. She asked for permission to tell people about me trying to let go of the (C). I hesitated for a minute but then said fine. Today's blog is going to be about connecting you to her blog. I want you to read what she wrote and you can see the pictures there. I will just say this...
It is so easy for me to look at pictures and open my arms to piles and piles of (C). As I said when facing the shoot, that pictures make it impossible to fake or imagine yourself perfect, because the pictures tell the truth. I have always believed, (as a photographer) that people are always beautiful and interesting to photograph when they are comfortable, it is in being genuinely themselves that makes the picture great. I may believe it as a photographer but have not known how to be it as the photographed. Perhaps it is this simple... non of us look good covered in Crap! (that just needed the full word!!!) Seriously, imagine anyone covered in literal crap, then imagine them after a shower with that beautiful white robe! It seems so simple.
Tanya is a gifted photographer for sure!!!! If you are ever in the need, give her a call!!!!! But, it is not the perfect lighting, or the perfect angles or the perfect moments! What I love is I see a glimps of the me without the (C)! I see a glimps of me free. Not completely....perhaps I need to do this on Day 365 to see if I can tell a difference. But I do see the beginnings of it all! Don't get me wrong I could, pick apart each picture, but frankly the freedom I see out shines any lump, bump, or wrinkle. The freedom I see out shines any lump, bump, or wrinkle. Yes I had to write it twice because I almost can't believe it myself!!! It is not about the package or the outside that makes a picture great.... after all how many stunning pictures do you see of a corps...exactly! It is not the package but the inside, the joy, the freedom bubbling out!
Tanya, to you my dear girl! I believe part of your gift is not seeing the perfect light etc but being willing to see the person. You have a gift for finding and highlighting the joy, the playfulness, the personality and then on top of that you wrap it up in artistic perfection! You don't just have an artistic gift but a soul gift. You took this middle aged, insecure mess, who wanted, for the first time, to let it go! You took what would bore some photographers and found a way to see what I so desperately hoped was there!!!! Not a person of outward perfection, not a perfect body, or a perfect face, but a real live human being who is beautiful! My one fear in not knowing you very well before this shoot was that my journey, the struggle, the vulnerability I wanted to share would bore you, and that you would just want to get it over with. I mean after all, I am no Alisha Y! That was the crap I was dealing with the day of the shoot. But I put it down and let you in and you embraced me. Thanks for sharing your soul gift with me and so many others. It is truly what makes you different from every other photographer who can take a good picture.
So here is her blog, enjoy! http://tkmusgrave.blogspot.com/2011/12/letting-go-of-crap-beth.html
It is so easy for me to look at pictures and open my arms to piles and piles of (C). As I said when facing the shoot, that pictures make it impossible to fake or imagine yourself perfect, because the pictures tell the truth. I have always believed, (as a photographer) that people are always beautiful and interesting to photograph when they are comfortable, it is in being genuinely themselves that makes the picture great. I may believe it as a photographer but have not known how to be it as the photographed. Perhaps it is this simple... non of us look good covered in Crap! (that just needed the full word!!!) Seriously, imagine anyone covered in literal crap, then imagine them after a shower with that beautiful white robe! It seems so simple.
Tanya is a gifted photographer for sure!!!! If you are ever in the need, give her a call!!!!! But, it is not the perfect lighting, or the perfect angles or the perfect moments! What I love is I see a glimps of the me without the (C)! I see a glimps of me free. Not completely....perhaps I need to do this on Day 365 to see if I can tell a difference. But I do see the beginnings of it all! Don't get me wrong I could, pick apart each picture, but frankly the freedom I see out shines any lump, bump, or wrinkle. The freedom I see out shines any lump, bump, or wrinkle. Yes I had to write it twice because I almost can't believe it myself!!! It is not about the package or the outside that makes a picture great.... after all how many stunning pictures do you see of a corps...exactly! It is not the package but the inside, the joy, the freedom bubbling out!
Tanya, to you my dear girl! I believe part of your gift is not seeing the perfect light etc but being willing to see the person. You have a gift for finding and highlighting the joy, the playfulness, the personality and then on top of that you wrap it up in artistic perfection! You don't just have an artistic gift but a soul gift. You took this middle aged, insecure mess, who wanted, for the first time, to let it go! You took what would bore some photographers and found a way to see what I so desperately hoped was there!!!! Not a person of outward perfection, not a perfect body, or a perfect face, but a real live human being who is beautiful! My one fear in not knowing you very well before this shoot was that my journey, the struggle, the vulnerability I wanted to share would bore you, and that you would just want to get it over with. I mean after all, I am no Alisha Y! That was the crap I was dealing with the day of the shoot. But I put it down and let you in and you embraced me. Thanks for sharing your soul gift with me and so many others. It is truly what makes you different from every other photographer who can take a good picture.
So here is her blog, enjoy! http://tkmusgrave.blogspot.com/2011/12/letting-go-of-crap-beth.html
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Day 74- Beauty... (posted a day late...computer issues)
This morning Chris mentioned after reading my post that sometimes he doesn't think my post matches my emotions. Yesterday, was a difficult day. I knew Monday I would be leaving to go up to Pisgah and would be gone until Sunday. The thought of being apart for a whole week put me in a real funk. Chris's observation was that this work of identifying the (C) is a somewhat negative process, and I am not someone who likes dwelling on the negative. I know I have blogged about that concept and He is right. I have a hard time spending too much time in the negative, however I also find myself there more than I should. Sunday was a very difficult day for me knowing I was going to have to leave, but I also was very weighed down with this whole idea that celebrating is somehow selfish and bad. I think the (C) is this... I am a fluff person, a Pollyanna, a head in the sand person, a frivolous without depth, someone who doesn't pay attention to details...etc..etc. It is (C) but I hear it daily, I feel it way too much. With Christmas, or any other time, I hear the sober minded individuals who are always trying to get you back to THEIR reality of negativity. When eating a grand meal you need to remember the starving in Ethiopia etc. It seriously goes through my mind. When decorating for a party... imagine if all the money went to charity what good could be done.... and on and on.
I am tired of the internal fight going on, the (C) I listen too every time I start to celebrate. Honestly part of my mood was realizing how significant the struggle is for me. When writing yesterdays post I just couldn't spend to much time on all this (C) because I needed a refresher! Chris was right, I needed to spend time basking in truth and even taking the time to write the (C) was more than I could bear.
Another concept that I touched on yesterday was that of the beauty surrounding the holidays. On thanksgiving day, at my mother in laws house, Anna was so excited to show us a dress she had bought. It is not a fancy dress but an evening dress. It is certainly too formal to wear to church. She bought it on her own and felt so good in this body hugging black evening dress. She found it cheap and just loved it! After our dinner with my in laws she headed to the room to change. She came out twirling, dancing (the way a little girl would) and just beaming from ear to ear. We all told her how great she looked and talked about her shoe options etc. Then something was said about not knowing when she would be able to wear it... she without hesitation said, "Well if I can't find a reason to wear it, Daddy will have to make a reason for me to wear it!" It was beautiful! Her confidence, her willingness to express her need to dress up. If you have read Captivating, he writes a lot about a woman's need to dress up, to feel beautiful etc. For me personally, I have never felt free to need those opportunities. I frankly have not honored my daughters needs to be dressed up the way I should. So this morning as Chris and I were lying in bed, talking about yesterdays blog, I told him how important that dressing up thing is to the feminine part of me. The part that I have pushed down and ignored for so long. So we are going to as a family find a time when Anna can wear her little black dress and I can break out the little black dress in my closet! I don't know when or how yet but it will happen. Who knows you might get an invite to a "wear all your sparkle party". After all men have football almost every Sunday (or some kind of sport to watch every week...we woman should have at least one time a year to dress fancy!)
In writing this I am constantly thinking of people like my mother who frankly feel more comfortable when in linen and plaid, or wool with a touch of silk and dressing up is not her idea of a good time. That is fine too! I am not saying EVERYONE should dress up or have the desire, but there is nothing... NOTHING wrong with wanting to have the opportunity to dress up. Last night was the banquet here at Pisgah and today it is so much fun to see all the pictures of the girls dressed up and fancy. They have such a good time. I am just saying there needs to be opportunity for us old people to dress up too!
Alright enough about all that... Tonight I am honoring the feminine side of me, the little girl who desperately wants to dress up, twirl around, and be the beauty. Tonight I am letting go of the guilt associated with those feelings, and honoring the God given desire to be a woman, a thing of beauty, and I am acknowledging that to be a thing of beauty, to want to be a thing of beauty makes me no less substantive!
I am tired of the internal fight going on, the (C) I listen too every time I start to celebrate. Honestly part of my mood was realizing how significant the struggle is for me. When writing yesterdays post I just couldn't spend to much time on all this (C) because I needed a refresher! Chris was right, I needed to spend time basking in truth and even taking the time to write the (C) was more than I could bear.
Another concept that I touched on yesterday was that of the beauty surrounding the holidays. On thanksgiving day, at my mother in laws house, Anna was so excited to show us a dress she had bought. It is not a fancy dress but an evening dress. It is certainly too formal to wear to church. She bought it on her own and felt so good in this body hugging black evening dress. She found it cheap and just loved it! After our dinner with my in laws she headed to the room to change. She came out twirling, dancing (the way a little girl would) and just beaming from ear to ear. We all told her how great she looked and talked about her shoe options etc. Then something was said about not knowing when she would be able to wear it... she without hesitation said, "Well if I can't find a reason to wear it, Daddy will have to make a reason for me to wear it!" It was beautiful! Her confidence, her willingness to express her need to dress up. If you have read Captivating, he writes a lot about a woman's need to dress up, to feel beautiful etc. For me personally, I have never felt free to need those opportunities. I frankly have not honored my daughters needs to be dressed up the way I should. So this morning as Chris and I were lying in bed, talking about yesterdays blog, I told him how important that dressing up thing is to the feminine part of me. The part that I have pushed down and ignored for so long. So we are going to as a family find a time when Anna can wear her little black dress and I can break out the little black dress in my closet! I don't know when or how yet but it will happen. Who knows you might get an invite to a "wear all your sparkle party". After all men have football almost every Sunday (or some kind of sport to watch every week...we woman should have at least one time a year to dress fancy!)
In writing this I am constantly thinking of people like my mother who frankly feel more comfortable when in linen and plaid, or wool with a touch of silk and dressing up is not her idea of a good time. That is fine too! I am not saying EVERYONE should dress up or have the desire, but there is nothing... NOTHING wrong with wanting to have the opportunity to dress up. Last night was the banquet here at Pisgah and today it is so much fun to see all the pictures of the girls dressed up and fancy. They have such a good time. I am just saying there needs to be opportunity for us old people to dress up too!
Alright enough about all that... Tonight I am honoring the feminine side of me, the little girl who desperately wants to dress up, twirl around, and be the beauty. Tonight I am letting go of the guilt associated with those feelings, and honoring the God given desire to be a woman, a thing of beauty, and I am acknowledging that to be a thing of beauty, to want to be a thing of beauty makes me no less substantive!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Day 73- Celebrate in a Big way.... Celebrate!
Christmas is a time when we are constantly being reminded of goodwill. You hear about wonderful acts of charity and watch movies about acts of kindness. It is the one time of year when shelters don't need help, because everyone wants to help. Goodwill if flowing. It is also the time of year when rich people give rich gifts to their already spoiled children and loved ones. It is when so many of us work so hard to try to find something to give people who NEED nothing. People spend money they don't have. It is the time of year when those depressed become more depressed, when drinkers drink more and most people put on at least 5 pounds they don't need. It seems to be a season of great contradictions... Gluttony and charity in tandem.
I think the conflict of gluttony and charity has for many years created cognitive dissonance. A discomfort that I have not known what to do with. Some decide they just won't celebrate Christmas at all, some just make sure they have a balance of both gluttony and charity, just enough of each to justify both. I have done some of that. Give away enough, help those in need etc and then sit back and enjoy the riches of the season.
This year I have been contemplating trying to have some peace from the dissonance that plagues me. Our tree is trimmed (or up and decorated). We have started the process of adding sparkle to the rest of the house and finding gifts to wrap and put under the tree. We are looking forward to time with friends and family, and I am already working on menu planning.
So what about the charity, what about the service, giving back. That part hasn't been planned. Should it be? This weekend I started spending time pondering on the reason for the season. What is it. (Easy answer), to celebrate the birth of Christ. I had to do a children's story on Sabbath and talked about celebrating Christmas and how our heavenly father is in heaven right now preparing a place for us. Making heaven sparkle with streets of gold and rubies and how there will be a feast prepared for us in heaven. So should we celebrate or serve? The only conclusion I have come up with is that we should celebrate and celebrate big! He is planning a celebration, He likes to celebrate why shouldn't we? Perhaps we should celebrate big and in that celebration serve others. Perhaps it should be about celebrating with those we have been serving all year, instead of running to the shelters for our token once a year visit! If I haven't been serving all year than what? Why all these questions?
I have always wanted to celebrate big! Really big! I want to cook lots of wonderful food and give lots of gifts! I want to sing, play music, watch sappy movies and play games all night! I want to sit and reconnect with family! I want to contemplate the incredible gift of Jesus Christ! I want to celebrate what he means to me! I want to hear violins, cello, harp and organ. I want to hear trumpets and bell choirs. I want to hear little children sing. Why? I like celebrating! I like planning celebrations! I like participating in celebrations and attending celebrations. I like invitations and an excuse to wear anything that sparkles and red almost everyday! Tonight we watched a Christmas movie and now the Celtic Women are on in all there beautiful glory. So pretty. Christmas is a time when parties allow you to dress up and when everything shines and sparkles.
My conclusion is this... I should LIVE a life of service. I need to serve where I have been called to serve EVERYDAY!!! We have all been called to serve, some the homeless, some the elderly, some the youth, some our neighbors, our fellow church members, and some our own children. This is a season to remind us of the incredible gift that was given us and to celebrate! To celebrate Him by celebrating together! I don't need to feel guilty for not serving as others have been called to serve. I just need to make sure I am serving as I have been called to do. I don't need to feel guilty about celebrating. He is right now preparing a lavish celebration just for me, the least I can do is to celebrate Him!
So tonight I am going to start planning, preparing and anticipating CELEBRATING!
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Day 72- Filled with wonder, Awestruck wonder, At the power of your Name!
Pastor Gary has just completed a wonderful sermon and the praise team gets up to sing. I am quite sure it will be so so. Revelation Song is a wonderful song, but I was in the mood for Christmas music, I was so filled by the sermon, so not expecting much. I stood as asked still pondering several things mentioned in the sermon. My mind wasn't on the music being played it was still contemplating...then..Idaia Janniere (Didi) started singing. I was instantly there, the sermon was no longer in my mind, the music grabbed me. I turned and watched her, listening as she with complete abandon was praising God. I started to sing, but had to stop, I just needed to listen. I wish I had a recording because words are terribly inadequate to describe what I was experiencing. Didi has a very beautiful strong voice, perfect pitch, perfect timing and rhythm, but it was more than that. Didi was singing in such a way that it was clear, she was fully praising, this was about her and her God, this was about letting him have ALL of her praise, not leaving anything behind, not holding on to anything. It was as if we were experiencing an intimate experience of raw and powerful praise. She wasn't singing for us, she wasn't singing for the praise team, she was singing for God and only God. In a matter of seconds I went from all my focus being on the sermon to tears running down my cheeks. Just as I felt when watching the dance recital I was over come with emotion. I tried to sing again and then just gave up. I wondered why I was so emotional and then I realized it was the freedom with which she was singing. It was the freedom I so long to have. The freedom I am striving to achieve.
I then told myself to stop thinking about the issues and just sing, just praise with the same abandon. I tried but decided to just listen. I then tried to stop myself from crying, and just as quick decided that the least I could do was allow myself to show the emotion I was feeling. I decided to just cry and enjoy the music. Cry and watch this beautiful display of untethered praise. So I stood there, and cried, praised God, listened to the words and worshiped. ..."Holy holy holy, is the Lord God Almighty who was and is to come. With all creation I sing: Praise to the King of Kings! You are my everything, And – I - will - adore You!"
With all creation I will sing, You are my everything.... Wow! Is He that... my everything...am I willing with all creation to sing? Wow Wow Wow. I just cried and cried, sang some and experienced one of the most beautiful worship experiences ever!
As she finished singing, Pastor Gary had the benediction, and I just sat down in my seat.
Today I saw and experienced an example of freely praising God! It moved me and encouraged me to keep going with this process. To keep moving forward. Can you imagine the power and the witness it would be if all of us praised with that freedom. Yes she was singing beautifully, but it I completely believe she could have been off key and time and it would have moved me the same. It wasn't the perfection, but the focus. It was the relationship between Didi and her Savior. It was the freedom, the lack of (C) weighing her down.
I must say the perfection of her talent was also such a blessing and it would not have been nearly as powerful without the entire team. Carolyn, Lydia, Chris, Joanne, May, Tyler, and Mark. They all played and sang beautifully. The entire set of music was such a blessing.
Tonight, telling Chris about my experience I cried again. I long for the day when privately or publicly I can praise God freely. In that praise I also include just living freely.
To the entire praise team and to Didi I thank you so much! What a gift today was.
Tonight I am .... "filled with wonder, awestruck wonder, at the power of Your name!"
I then told myself to stop thinking about the issues and just sing, just praise with the same abandon. I tried but decided to just listen. I then tried to stop myself from crying, and just as quick decided that the least I could do was allow myself to show the emotion I was feeling. I decided to just cry and enjoy the music. Cry and watch this beautiful display of untethered praise. So I stood there, and cried, praised God, listened to the words and worshiped. ..."Holy holy holy, is the Lord God Almighty who was and is to come. With all creation I sing: Praise to the King of Kings! You are my everything, And – I - will - adore You!"
With all creation I will sing, You are my everything.... Wow! Is He that... my everything...am I willing with all creation to sing? Wow Wow Wow. I just cried and cried, sang some and experienced one of the most beautiful worship experiences ever!
As she finished singing, Pastor Gary had the benediction, and I just sat down in my seat.
Today I saw and experienced an example of freely praising God! It moved me and encouraged me to keep going with this process. To keep moving forward. Can you imagine the power and the witness it would be if all of us praised with that freedom. Yes she was singing beautifully, but it I completely believe she could have been off key and time and it would have moved me the same. It wasn't the perfection, but the focus. It was the relationship between Didi and her Savior. It was the freedom, the lack of (C) weighing her down.
I must say the perfection of her talent was also such a blessing and it would not have been nearly as powerful without the entire team. Carolyn, Lydia, Chris, Joanne, May, Tyler, and Mark. They all played and sang beautifully. The entire set of music was such a blessing.
Tonight, telling Chris about my experience I cried again. I long for the day when privately or publicly I can praise God freely. In that praise I also include just living freely.
To the entire praise team and to Didi I thank you so much! What a gift today was.
Tonight I am .... "filled with wonder, awestruck wonder, at the power of Your name!"
Friday, December 2, 2011
Day 72- Merry Merry Christmas
This whole process of trying to live without all the (C) in my life is similar. After all what I am really trying to do is to let go of the (C) that I have carried around for so long. It is taking a step toward living current. Living free of the past, not wishing for the future but living current. Being content right here and now.
I am thrilled to be where I am 10 weeks into this process. I have identified lots of (C) in 10 weeks. I have put down a lot of it, it has become easier to identify, and I have moments where I realize what it is like to live without it. I also still have (C) that I have been holding onto and cherishing for way to long and I have yet to be willing to fully let it go. Yet I am closer, closer to letting it go.
Tonight I am thrilled with where my tree is, content in the knowledge that it has been where it needed to be in the past and that it will become what it needs to be in the future, and tonight it is exactly where it should be. Tonight I am thrilled to be 10 weeks into this process and happy that the past adds to the richness of who I am, the lessons learned and even the (C) I have carried makes tonight all the sweeter. Tonight I am happy to be who I am, thankful and at peace with the knowledge that with His help I will become who I need to be in the future, so I can be completely content and relish in who I am in Him tonight!
Happy Sabbath and Happy Holidays!
Day 71- Almost there!
So today driving home from dance class I called and was talking with Chris. I asked him if he had noticed that I had almost finished decorating the tree. He said, "Yes how could I miss that". I then apologized, He asked why I was apologizing. When he said, he couldn't have missed it, the first thing that popped into my head was the mess of all the boxes and packing from the ornaments. Chris questioned me quite strong, asking me why I would go there instead of thinking he was talking about the well decorated tree. I know it has a lot to do with feeling very insecure about the messes I seem to have a difficult time getting clean. If I were to list the biggest issues in my life, the biggest insecurities it is this.... my body and issues with food... dancing....house keeping or the mess making....and not feeling smart. Tonight when Chris said what he did I instantly saw the boxes and the tissue paper, etc. not the tree.
It was interesting to me how quick I went to the insecurity instead of the strength. I can decorate a tree, I'm great at it. Yet the mess was the first place I went. I think I can honestly say I feel as strong about my ability to decorate as I do my inability to clean up messes. Yet the insecurity is where I went first. ERGGGG!!!! Why?
I am ready to let the positive be front and center and the negative in the back ground!
It was interesting to me how quick I went to the insecurity instead of the strength. I can decorate a tree, I'm great at it. Yet the mess was the first place I went. I think I can honestly say I feel as strong about my ability to decorate as I do my inability to clean up messes. Yet the insecurity is where I went first. ERGGGG!!!! Why?
I am ready to let the positive be front and center and the negative in the back ground!
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