I had the privilege to spend the night at the Anderson home last night. It was a blessing. I was not ready to go to my grandparents. It may sound silly but I needed to be around people who knew what I had been through. I knew my grandparents would not get it or understand. I could tell them I ran the half marathon and finished but there was no more I could say! Sure I could tell them the story but I wasn't sure I could handle them not understanding or getting it. It was too special. To precious to me. So I really appreciated the Anderson's opening their home and Becca's room, and then a wonderful healthy breakfast this morning to start the day! It was wonderful, then on to work.
It is hard getting back to normal. I don't want to be normal. I don't want to go back, I want to move forward and be different, be better. As I faced challenges at work, I kept thinking about my walk, I kept thinking about how much our Lord wants to walk with us every day!!!!! How much he wants to grab our arms and help carry us up. So I said prayers today and then had to trust that He will carry me. He will guide and direct me.
Today, when I had moments of feeling behind I stopped and remembered just putting on foot in front of the other. So today what did I need to get accomplished today! I worked hard, and then let go of the rest! Today was simply a day of still basking.... still contemplating.... and then attempting to apply the lessons learned or experienced to normal.
I realize I can't stay in the basking stage and I don't want to do that. I want to move to a new normal. A normal that looks through the glasses of a life changing experience.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
The day after Race day....
The day after race day was like the day after an intensely spiritual retreat. It was like the afterglow of a wonderful vespers or the snuggle time after ... :) It was a day when my mind was consumed with the day before. I was replaying things over and over. I couldn't imagine going back to "normal" going back to interacting with everyone as if nothing had changed. I wanted everyone I saw, at the gas station, in the store, EVERYONE to know what had happened. Silly...yea. But it is how I was feeling. I was different and I wanted everyone to know about it.
I was able to share my story with my boy Andrew, Becca, and McKennan. That was such a blessing. I love them all and sharing this was important to me. It was so good to see them, so good to share the excitement, the importance of the race.
Then I had to leave and start the 6+ hour drive home. It was a long drive, giving me so much time to think. I tried just listening to music, but it all seemed shallow and pointless. I did listen to one sermon on marriage and was thankful to be going home to my man.
As I drove I could feel muscles start hurting that had not been hurting the day before and I started worrying about what condition this body would be in when I arrived home.
More than anything I just could not thinking about the incredible race I had just run. I shocked myself with thoughts of possibly getting ready, and training and thinking about doing it again. CRAZY!!! It had been the most painful and difficult thing I had ever done. But now the high of accomplishing it made the thought of doing it again..... a thought. Like I said, CRAZY!!!!
I realized after much thought, it was not the run, not the pounding the pavement I yearned for but the powerful experience with God. I wanted to feel that again. I didn't want it to go away. I didn't want this to become a distant story, a faint memory, but a permanent part of me. I didn't want to run again I wanted to run with God again. I wanted to hear him encouraging me. I wanted to hear the quiet voice. I wanted to see the twinkle in his eyes. I wanted to be with him!
So I turned off the radio and prayed. I turned off the radio and just watched the beauty going by as I drove. I talked out loud to Him and spent time listening. I also thanked Him!
I realize this will be one of those moments I hang onto through the droughts, when I feel like He is no where to be found. I realize this will forever be one of the extraordinary experiences that replays when I need the encouragement. But I also want this to be a forever part of me. I want to never forget! I want to leave the (C) and never accept it back! NEVER! I want to know that for real I am NOT the SAME! I am FOREVER CHANGED!!!!!
I was able to share my story with my boy Andrew, Becca, and McKennan. That was such a blessing. I love them all and sharing this was important to me. It was so good to see them, so good to share the excitement, the importance of the race.
Then I had to leave and start the 6+ hour drive home. It was a long drive, giving me so much time to think. I tried just listening to music, but it all seemed shallow and pointless. I did listen to one sermon on marriage and was thankful to be going home to my man.
As I drove I could feel muscles start hurting that had not been hurting the day before and I started worrying about what condition this body would be in when I arrived home.
More than anything I just could not thinking about the incredible race I had just run. I shocked myself with thoughts of possibly getting ready, and training and thinking about doing it again. CRAZY!!! It had been the most painful and difficult thing I had ever done. But now the high of accomplishing it made the thought of doing it again..... a thought. Like I said, CRAZY!!!!
I realized after much thought, it was not the run, not the pounding the pavement I yearned for but the powerful experience with God. I wanted to feel that again. I didn't want it to go away. I didn't want this to become a distant story, a faint memory, but a permanent part of me. I didn't want to run again I wanted to run with God again. I wanted to hear him encouraging me. I wanted to hear the quiet voice. I wanted to see the twinkle in his eyes. I wanted to be with him!
So I turned off the radio and prayed. I turned off the radio and just watched the beauty going by as I drove. I talked out loud to Him and spent time listening. I also thanked Him!
I realize this will be one of those moments I hang onto through the droughts, when I feel like He is no where to be found. I realize this will forever be one of the extraordinary experiences that replays when I need the encouragement. But I also want this to be a forever part of me. I want to never forget! I want to leave the (C) and never accept it back! NEVER! I want to know that for real I am NOT the SAME! I am FOREVER CHANGED!!!!!
Race Day....Excitement, Fun with Girls, an Annoying Angel, a Day to Remember
This morning started at 1am with Sarah jumping on my bed and singing to me, so excited! She was laughing and telling me that this was pay back for all the mornings I would sing and jump on their beds to wake them up :). We were all excited and terribly nervous. We spent about an hour dressing up, attaching tiara's to our heads, and then headed out the door to meet the bus at 3am. As we boarded the bus, my head was spinning and my stomach was in knots. I was doubting this whole decision. Afraid of what was to come...not looking forward to looking like one of the people you see running, and you say...."what were they thinking, seriously what made them think they could do this!" Then as we sat in the bus waiting to go a lady in front of me was spewing (C)! She was talking with another woman about the things this race needed to change, and yes one of her complaints was that they needed to do something about the pace, she said, "Seriously don't people know this is not about walking! It takes me five miles before I am out from all the crazy people who think this is just a stroll!" ERG!!!!! CRAP!!! I was feeling it and starting to stink! Not exactly what I needed. Then I turned my attention to the conversation Sarah was having with the lady across the isle from us. She has had knee surgery several times, has always wanted to run a half marathon so this was her first and last. She was completely by herself and she was nervous but also so thrilled to be doing something on her list! Her husband had signed her up. That helped.... Then I said a prayer.... I reminded myself, this was about me and my girls, about accomplishing something, or attempting something and I was not going to accept the (C) of others!
The bus dropped us off at a huge gathering area, there was a DJ music blaring, lights and a very festive atmosphere. It helped wake us up, and certainly made us more excited.
After waiting around, dancing a little with my girls we finally went to another area where we waited for them to open the gates so we could start the 1 mile walk to the Corral. Our Corral was E. We were right in the middle of the pack. That walk made me more and more nervous. We get to our corral and we have about an hour yet to wait before start time. We took a couple pictures and then just stood there waiting. Carolyn, Maria and Joanne joined us a while later, that was so nice. It was wonderful seeing friendly familiar faces. There are 20 plus thousand runners at this race, the mass of people is unbelievable.
Then they start the first corral and the nerves really start.... then the next group and the next until we are next. At the start we run, here we go ready or not.
The first mile the three of us were together. Fighting through lots of people, being passed by most! Then at mile 2 Anna was ready to be on her own so she took off. Then we saw a runner passing us on the other side, she was already approaching mile 10. What an amazing picture it was to see her long legs gliding her along at an unbelievable pace. She was a picture of beauty and strength. I was amazed at how she was just made for this sport. It was as if when God created her, he formed a runner, gave her the heart the legs, the stride, etc. She was a sight to behold.
My attention was now back on the fact that I was not feeling so much like a runner. I needed to pee, and my back was starting to hurt. Sarah, stopped at the porta john line, but I decided I didn't have time to wait in line. I told Sarah I was going to keep going and she could catch up. I would stay to one side, so she could find me in the mass. It wasn't long before she was back with me. By this time the slight discomfort in my lower back had become a shooting pain, going up my back and down my butt. I was in agony and my pace was getting slower and slower. At mile 3 I suggested to Sarah that she go on ahead. She refused saying she was just going to run with me. By three and a half I was begging her. Our pace had slowed to 14:30 minute miles, and I was in agony. My back felt like it was going to give out at any moment. I told her, I didn't want her getting to far behind the required 16 minute mile pace and risk being picked up because of me. I assured her I was fine and told her to run, and have fun. At this point tears were coming, and she realized I was serious about the pain and at not quite 4 miles things didn't look good. With tears in her eyes she agreed and took off. I was thankful she was off and running, it was sad to see her go, but with her leaving went the pressure to keep up so she could finish!
Not long after she left there was a little but steep hill. That did it for my back, I was now afraid I was going to have to quit. I started battling piles and piles of (C)! All the ugly things I have ever listened too seemed to be on loud speaker blaring in my ear. Yet quietly in the other ear was the knowledge that my back had nothing to do with running and everything to do with the heavy boxes I had carried to the post office the Wed. before. It was bad timing to have back issues but this was not just a running issue. I tried to not accept the (C) and to keep going one step at a time.
As I ran down main street in the Magic Kingdom, I was sad my girls weren't with me. I wished I could see them run through the castle, I wished we could take pictures together, but at the same time, I was so thankful that we were each able to just go and do our best independently. I was proud of them, and excited I had made it this far. Then I get a phone call from Anna telling me she had passed the half way point. She was having issues with her knees, but so happy to be past half way. I told her I was hurting too and not sure how this was going to end.
All this time I still needed to use the toilet but there were none to be found. Then finally just pass the castle they had a line of porta johns and there were only a few people waiting in line. I decided the pain in my kidneys from needing to go so bad may be contributing to my back pain so I stopped. It did feel good to not have a full bladder, but going from 14:30 pace to 15:15 pace was discouraging. I knew I was getting slower and slower and I still had a long ways to go. I knew at any minute those pace cars might come and get me.
At mile seven I felt terrible. By this time not only was my back in pain, but the back of my knees. Not my knees but the back of my legs behind my knee felt like they were being ripped apart. Also my feet were hurting. I was in bad shape and certain this was not going to end well. About that time I got a call from Anna. She told me she was only able to walk because of her knees. She was in a lot of pain. I encouraged her and shared how I was doing.
Then I started up a slight incline. My back was screaming at me. The hills made it so much worse. I wasn't sure I could make the hill but was determined to keep going. So I decided to stop and see if I could stretch to help eleviate the pain behind my knee. My thought process was,.... can't do anything about the back, let me see if I can do something about the knees.... I tried finding a stretch that would help.... no luck. I was still bent over attempting to find something when a scrawny little arm went through my arm grabbing it and a woman said, "Come on Elizabeth, I'm not letting you stop! I'm going to do this with you!" and she just started walking. I had to go or loose my balance because her arm was so tightly intertwined with mine. At first I started to bristle... then she said, " Are you Ok?" Here was my out! I was going to describe my terrible back pain and explain this hill we were climbing etc. and she would let go! Instead her response was to start praying! That was not what I was expecting or even wanting. In that split second, a million things went through my mind. Like...."who does she think she is....Is she trying to save my soul.... how dare she....I don't like obnoxious Christians who try to impose on others....." Then the quiet voice..." Beth, who are you? What is on your shirt? (a bible verse) "you are a christian and you appreciate prayer! You NEED prayer! What a blessing this is." I then became very emotional realizing the gift this woman was! After her prayer she just kept encouraging me and telling me that we were almost to the level! When we got to the top I thanked her and she quickly responded, "You are not getting rid of me!" I almost hated to hear that. I have discovered that running is for me a very internal experience. I need to be able to go inside, not be interacting with others. It perhaps is to much of a battle. I'm not sure but I wanted to be alone again. Then she was gone, running ahead to catch up with a woman she was running with. I was relieved!
Anna called me and said she was at mile 9 and she was going to stop at the medical tent because her knees were really bad. She said she was going to see if there was anything she could do. I could tell by her voice she was done. I told her how bad off I was too and just to do what she could and be proud of her efforts. I told her to call. I was really down at that point, I could just see mile marker 8, but it was a ways ahead, and with Anna quitting I was feeling like maybe I should too. Then Anna calls and says that she got some Bio Freeze and it was helping so she was back at it walking! I was so proud of her, I decided I had to keep putting one foot in front of the other....
Then after about a mile or so I see another hill. This time I think to pray myself, and then just tell myself, one foot in front of the other that is all you have to do. As the pain started so came some tears. The back was excruciating. I tried adjusting my posture to help and looked up,...... to see that scrawny little lady running down the hill toward me. With a smile on her face she said, "You didn't think I was going to let you climb this hill alone did you?" I wasn't sure if I was excited or not, but she didn't exactly give me a choice putting her arm through mine and picking up the pace. She then said, "Elizabeth, these 1/2 marathons are wonderful, the brake us, take everything out of you, and then broken, it is a great place to leave stuff behind." She even hesitated on the word stuff and before she had said it I had inserted (C)! Really!!!!!!! Of all the things she could have said. The tears just started flowing and all I could think about was all the reasons I had chosen to do such a run. I was then not thinking of the back pain as I climbed the hill but all the emotional pain, the (C) that says, I'm not good enough, strong enough, I don't finish things, I am all fluff no substance, all the (C) and I pictured shedding it along the way! One step at a time. By this time, I was not annoyed at this annoying little woman I was realizing that if not an actual angel she was a woman who was connected to God and was letting him speak through her!!!!!!
As we made it to the top I tried to express what a blessing she was and she just again said, "Your not getting rid of me!" I realized when she said it how many times I do that to God. I am so grateful for the help, so thankful for the blessings and in my thank you I am saying, "that is enough, I'll take it from here." I wasn't saying that to this lady but that is what she was rightly hearing. I know I have done that so much with God, yet His response as hers is, "your not getting rid of me."
She ran on ahead and this time as she left to join the other lady she was running with I watched her run away and noticed on the back of her shirt was written, "brain tumor in 1992..." then more I couldn't read. Wow! Such an inspiration!
I lost sight of her and her running partner for a while, I ran some, walked a lot, and prayed more!!!!! It was excruciating pain, but now it was not about the pain but about the emotional stuff, my "walk" with God (boy does that have a whole new meaning). I came around a corner and saw in front of me a long sweeping turn and the a sharp turn leading to a huge ramp, going up onto a bridge or overpass and it was covered in people....runners. My heart sunk. At this point I was in such pain it was almost unbearable. It was starting to drizzle, it had gotten colder and the arthritis in my feet was screaming at me too. I was in the 10th mile and I was loosing my will. I started thinking about how I could quit. Quitting for a bad back seemed like such a wimping thing. I wished I had blown a knee, I started thinking about faking a blown knee..somehow that seemed more ligit, more impressive than a bad back. Then I looked behind me and saw about 20-40 people and then the police cars.... the end or last of the runners. I realized that over 20 thousand people had passed me!!! Wow really. I was sure this was going to be the end. I was behind pace. I was almost the last person, I would surly be picked up soon! I was almost hoping, yet thinking perhaps if I fake an injury I can choose to be picked up and somehow that seems better than being forced to be picked up.
About that time Sarah called on Anna's phone. I knew that meant both had finished! I was so proud and so happy, but I was also feeling so low! Sarah said she would be there waiting for me at the finish line. She had the attitude in her voice that I was almost done, almost there, no big deal. I was not feeling so confident, after all with the last of the runners in sight behind me, and the knowledge that all day people had be passing me, also knowing I still had 2+ miles to go, I was certain I would NOT finish. I cried telling Sarah that I wasn't sure I would make it. I told her how much pain I was in, how slow I was and how the cars were just behind me. She just kept sternly (as only Sarah can do) telling me that I was fine and she would be at the finish line waiting for me!!!!
Then I heard a lady behind me saying, "They better let us finish! If we have come this far they better let us finish" She then asked a security guy on a bike, if they were going to let us finish. He just said they would have to pick us up if we fell too far behind pace because they had to reopen roads. After he road away the lady behind me said, "we just have to get in the park, we have to get to Epcot and then we will be fine!!!" I wasn't sure I could even do that but I did want to finish. I couldn't imagine making it up that ramp ahead, I couldn't imagine the 2+ miles I had left with the pain I was experiencing but some how thinking that perhaps they would let me finish at my pace gave me some hope. I then started talking pretty strong to myself. After all I don't want to lie to stop! I don't want to stop! I finally convinced myself that the only way I was quitting was if they made me stop!!!! I was going to keep fighting! I was going to keep going one step at a time all the while hoping they would take away my choice and put me in a car! :) (Not really, I did want to finish, I just didn't see how.) After all at this rate 2 miles would take me almost another 45 min to run. That just seemed impossible with the pain!
As I rounded the corner and started up the hill, I put my head down and started praying, next thing I know out of seemingly no where comes that scrawny little arm in mine and her kind voice saying, "this is the last one Elizabeth, lean into me I am strong! (really???... this tiny little, brain tumor survivor was telling me to lean into her :) ) By this point, I believed her, I trusted her, I knew she was more than just an annoying person she was an annoying angel! I leaned in closed my eyes and started thinking about natural child birth and breathing. I started breathing through the pain, one foot at a time all the while listening to the kind soft voice telling me "we were almost to the top, almost to the flat, leave the stuff behind, He is here with you!" At the top she ran ahead to join her running partner and I ran down the hill. I ran for the first time, in a long time with new determination to finish this journey! As I ran into Epcot I caught up with this woman and her friend. At that point I realized she was running with a mentally challenged lady. She introduced us "Christine, this is my friend Elizabeth," and Christine said to me, "You are my friend" (in her mentally challenged voice.) I couldn't help but smile. Then my angel said to Christine, "so what are you leaving behind today" and with a broken emotional voice Christine said, "today I am leaving behind that I am never good enough for my mother!"
After a few minutes of running together their pace was too fast for me. They went on ahead and I was alone again. It is frankly how I like it and I was thankful to have time to think about what I was leaving on that road! Then I came to mile marker 12. That was exciting... almost! One more miles still seemed quite far! Then as I rounded one of the last corners I saw this huge teenage gospel choir. They were singing a rousing gospel number, not noticing the words, I was just moved by the site and sound, then I saw several girls making hearts with their hands, and I noticed the words were something about God having our hearts.... I couldn't help but start crying what a fitting finish to this trip! I cried for joy! Cried because it was another love letter to me from God! Wow how amazing He is!!!!!!
After leaving the choir, up ahead I saw mile marker 13! I held back my joy knowing there was still .1 to go and at this point everything felt like miles... then I turned the corner and saw the finish line. I saw that the .1 was not that far. The .1 was doable. In fact I decided that I was going to run the .1! So I took off and ran to the finish line. They called my name out as I crossed the finish line! Ahead all I could see was Sarah, I hugged her and cried, cried from relief, cried from pain, cried because I was so happy to be with her again. I then saw Anna with ice on her knees and a smile on her face! What a joy! What a journey.
What a day! What a journey! What an accomplishment!
Today, I left a lot of (C) behind. I am a finisher...with God's help! I can push myself physically, I am strong...because he created me that way! I am His princess! I have completed a Half Marathon! I completed it one step at a time.... because of God.
Someone in hearing my story mentioned that I probably would not have finished had it not been for the woman! I don't agree with that statement. It was not about that woman, it was about what God was doing for me through her. It was Him, grabbing my arm, it was Him (through her) reminding me that this was not just about a race, but about leaving stuff behind. God gave me the strength, God is who gets credit! I finished because, I was willing to listen to Him! I finished because he created me with the ability to fight through the pain. I finished and God gets the glory!!!! I am sure the scrawny, and at times annoying Angel would agree!!!!!
I was also asked if I thought she was an angel, a heavenly being. I guess it doesn't matter. If she was an angel, then I look forward to talking with her in heaven, and if she wasn't an angel then I look forward to talking with her in heaven. :) She was used by God and whether she was an earthly being or a heavenly being makes no difference. She was His instrument and that is remarkable!
I am so happy I did it! So happy I completed it! So happy for the journey I had with my maker and the journey we are still having today. After all, ...he is not letting me get rid of him....he will finish this with me...we are going to do this together....he will encourage me....he will intercede for me with the Father....he will grab my arm... and he will always be right there when things are tough, even when I'm not sure I want it!
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Duet. 31:8
I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." Genesis 28:15
The bus dropped us off at a huge gathering area, there was a DJ music blaring, lights and a very festive atmosphere. It helped wake us up, and certainly made us more excited.
After waiting around, dancing a little with my girls we finally went to another area where we waited for them to open the gates so we could start the 1 mile walk to the Corral. Our Corral was E. We were right in the middle of the pack. That walk made me more and more nervous. We get to our corral and we have about an hour yet to wait before start time. We took a couple pictures and then just stood there waiting. Carolyn, Maria and Joanne joined us a while later, that was so nice. It was wonderful seeing friendly familiar faces. There are 20 plus thousand runners at this race, the mass of people is unbelievable.
Then they start the first corral and the nerves really start.... then the next group and the next until we are next. At the start we run, here we go ready or not.
The first mile the three of us were together. Fighting through lots of people, being passed by most! Then at mile 2 Anna was ready to be on her own so she took off. Then we saw a runner passing us on the other side, she was already approaching mile 10. What an amazing picture it was to see her long legs gliding her along at an unbelievable pace. She was a picture of beauty and strength. I was amazed at how she was just made for this sport. It was as if when God created her, he formed a runner, gave her the heart the legs, the stride, etc. She was a sight to behold.
My attention was now back on the fact that I was not feeling so much like a runner. I needed to pee, and my back was starting to hurt. Sarah, stopped at the porta john line, but I decided I didn't have time to wait in line. I told Sarah I was going to keep going and she could catch up. I would stay to one side, so she could find me in the mass. It wasn't long before she was back with me. By this time the slight discomfort in my lower back had become a shooting pain, going up my back and down my butt. I was in agony and my pace was getting slower and slower. At mile 3 I suggested to Sarah that she go on ahead. She refused saying she was just going to run with me. By three and a half I was begging her. Our pace had slowed to 14:30 minute miles, and I was in agony. My back felt like it was going to give out at any moment. I told her, I didn't want her getting to far behind the required 16 minute mile pace and risk being picked up because of me. I assured her I was fine and told her to run, and have fun. At this point tears were coming, and she realized I was serious about the pain and at not quite 4 miles things didn't look good. With tears in her eyes she agreed and took off. I was thankful she was off and running, it was sad to see her go, but with her leaving went the pressure to keep up so she could finish!
Not long after she left there was a little but steep hill. That did it for my back, I was now afraid I was going to have to quit. I started battling piles and piles of (C)! All the ugly things I have ever listened too seemed to be on loud speaker blaring in my ear. Yet quietly in the other ear was the knowledge that my back had nothing to do with running and everything to do with the heavy boxes I had carried to the post office the Wed. before. It was bad timing to have back issues but this was not just a running issue. I tried to not accept the (C) and to keep going one step at a time.
As I ran down main street in the Magic Kingdom, I was sad my girls weren't with me. I wished I could see them run through the castle, I wished we could take pictures together, but at the same time, I was so thankful that we were each able to just go and do our best independently. I was proud of them, and excited I had made it this far. Then I get a phone call from Anna telling me she had passed the half way point. She was having issues with her knees, but so happy to be past half way. I told her I was hurting too and not sure how this was going to end.
All this time I still needed to use the toilet but there were none to be found. Then finally just pass the castle they had a line of porta johns and there were only a few people waiting in line. I decided the pain in my kidneys from needing to go so bad may be contributing to my back pain so I stopped. It did feel good to not have a full bladder, but going from 14:30 pace to 15:15 pace was discouraging. I knew I was getting slower and slower and I still had a long ways to go. I knew at any minute those pace cars might come and get me.
At mile seven I felt terrible. By this time not only was my back in pain, but the back of my knees. Not my knees but the back of my legs behind my knee felt like they were being ripped apart. Also my feet were hurting. I was in bad shape and certain this was not going to end well. About that time I got a call from Anna. She told me she was only able to walk because of her knees. She was in a lot of pain. I encouraged her and shared how I was doing.
Then I started up a slight incline. My back was screaming at me. The hills made it so much worse. I wasn't sure I could make the hill but was determined to keep going. So I decided to stop and see if I could stretch to help eleviate the pain behind my knee. My thought process was,.... can't do anything about the back, let me see if I can do something about the knees.... I tried finding a stretch that would help.... no luck. I was still bent over attempting to find something when a scrawny little arm went through my arm grabbing it and a woman said, "Come on Elizabeth, I'm not letting you stop! I'm going to do this with you!" and she just started walking. I had to go or loose my balance because her arm was so tightly intertwined with mine. At first I started to bristle... then she said, " Are you Ok?" Here was my out! I was going to describe my terrible back pain and explain this hill we were climbing etc. and she would let go! Instead her response was to start praying! That was not what I was expecting or even wanting. In that split second, a million things went through my mind. Like...."who does she think she is....Is she trying to save my soul.... how dare she....I don't like obnoxious Christians who try to impose on others....." Then the quiet voice..." Beth, who are you? What is on your shirt? (a bible verse) "you are a christian and you appreciate prayer! You NEED prayer! What a blessing this is." I then became very emotional realizing the gift this woman was! After her prayer she just kept encouraging me and telling me that we were almost to the level! When we got to the top I thanked her and she quickly responded, "You are not getting rid of me!" I almost hated to hear that. I have discovered that running is for me a very internal experience. I need to be able to go inside, not be interacting with others. It perhaps is to much of a battle. I'm not sure but I wanted to be alone again. Then she was gone, running ahead to catch up with a woman she was running with. I was relieved!
Anna called me and said she was at mile 9 and she was going to stop at the medical tent because her knees were really bad. She said she was going to see if there was anything she could do. I could tell by her voice she was done. I told her how bad off I was too and just to do what she could and be proud of her efforts. I told her to call. I was really down at that point, I could just see mile marker 8, but it was a ways ahead, and with Anna quitting I was feeling like maybe I should too. Then Anna calls and says that she got some Bio Freeze and it was helping so she was back at it walking! I was so proud of her, I decided I had to keep putting one foot in front of the other....
Then after about a mile or so I see another hill. This time I think to pray myself, and then just tell myself, one foot in front of the other that is all you have to do. As the pain started so came some tears. The back was excruciating. I tried adjusting my posture to help and looked up,...... to see that scrawny little lady running down the hill toward me. With a smile on her face she said, "You didn't think I was going to let you climb this hill alone did you?" I wasn't sure if I was excited or not, but she didn't exactly give me a choice putting her arm through mine and picking up the pace. She then said, "Elizabeth, these 1/2 marathons are wonderful, the brake us, take everything out of you, and then broken, it is a great place to leave stuff behind." She even hesitated on the word stuff and before she had said it I had inserted (C)! Really!!!!!!! Of all the things she could have said. The tears just started flowing and all I could think about was all the reasons I had chosen to do such a run. I was then not thinking of the back pain as I climbed the hill but all the emotional pain, the (C) that says, I'm not good enough, strong enough, I don't finish things, I am all fluff no substance, all the (C) and I pictured shedding it along the way! One step at a time. By this time, I was not annoyed at this annoying little woman I was realizing that if not an actual angel she was a woman who was connected to God and was letting him speak through her!!!!!!
As we made it to the top I tried to express what a blessing she was and she just again said, "Your not getting rid of me!" I realized when she said it how many times I do that to God. I am so grateful for the help, so thankful for the blessings and in my thank you I am saying, "that is enough, I'll take it from here." I wasn't saying that to this lady but that is what she was rightly hearing. I know I have done that so much with God, yet His response as hers is, "your not getting rid of me."
She ran on ahead and this time as she left to join the other lady she was running with I watched her run away and noticed on the back of her shirt was written, "brain tumor in 1992..." then more I couldn't read. Wow! Such an inspiration!
I lost sight of her and her running partner for a while, I ran some, walked a lot, and prayed more!!!!! It was excruciating pain, but now it was not about the pain but about the emotional stuff, my "walk" with God (boy does that have a whole new meaning). I came around a corner and saw in front of me a long sweeping turn and the a sharp turn leading to a huge ramp, going up onto a bridge or overpass and it was covered in people....runners. My heart sunk. At this point I was in such pain it was almost unbearable. It was starting to drizzle, it had gotten colder and the arthritis in my feet was screaming at me too. I was in the 10th mile and I was loosing my will. I started thinking about how I could quit. Quitting for a bad back seemed like such a wimping thing. I wished I had blown a knee, I started thinking about faking a blown knee..somehow that seemed more ligit, more impressive than a bad back. Then I looked behind me and saw about 20-40 people and then the police cars.... the end or last of the runners. I realized that over 20 thousand people had passed me!!! Wow really. I was sure this was going to be the end. I was behind pace. I was almost the last person, I would surly be picked up soon! I was almost hoping, yet thinking perhaps if I fake an injury I can choose to be picked up and somehow that seems better than being forced to be picked up.
About that time Sarah called on Anna's phone. I knew that meant both had finished! I was so proud and so happy, but I was also feeling so low! Sarah said she would be there waiting for me at the finish line. She had the attitude in her voice that I was almost done, almost there, no big deal. I was not feeling so confident, after all with the last of the runners in sight behind me, and the knowledge that all day people had be passing me, also knowing I still had 2+ miles to go, I was certain I would NOT finish. I cried telling Sarah that I wasn't sure I would make it. I told her how much pain I was in, how slow I was and how the cars were just behind me. She just kept sternly (as only Sarah can do) telling me that I was fine and she would be at the finish line waiting for me!!!!
Then I heard a lady behind me saying, "They better let us finish! If we have come this far they better let us finish" She then asked a security guy on a bike, if they were going to let us finish. He just said they would have to pick us up if we fell too far behind pace because they had to reopen roads. After he road away the lady behind me said, "we just have to get in the park, we have to get to Epcot and then we will be fine!!!" I wasn't sure I could even do that but I did want to finish. I couldn't imagine making it up that ramp ahead, I couldn't imagine the 2+ miles I had left with the pain I was experiencing but some how thinking that perhaps they would let me finish at my pace gave me some hope. I then started talking pretty strong to myself. After all I don't want to lie to stop! I don't want to stop! I finally convinced myself that the only way I was quitting was if they made me stop!!!! I was going to keep fighting! I was going to keep going one step at a time all the while hoping they would take away my choice and put me in a car! :) (Not really, I did want to finish, I just didn't see how.) After all at this rate 2 miles would take me almost another 45 min to run. That just seemed impossible with the pain!
As I rounded the corner and started up the hill, I put my head down and started praying, next thing I know out of seemingly no where comes that scrawny little arm in mine and her kind voice saying, "this is the last one Elizabeth, lean into me I am strong! (really???... this tiny little, brain tumor survivor was telling me to lean into her :) ) By this point, I believed her, I trusted her, I knew she was more than just an annoying person she was an annoying angel! I leaned in closed my eyes and started thinking about natural child birth and breathing. I started breathing through the pain, one foot at a time all the while listening to the kind soft voice telling me "we were almost to the top, almost to the flat, leave the stuff behind, He is here with you!" At the top she ran ahead to join her running partner and I ran down the hill. I ran for the first time, in a long time with new determination to finish this journey! As I ran into Epcot I caught up with this woman and her friend. At that point I realized she was running with a mentally challenged lady. She introduced us "Christine, this is my friend Elizabeth," and Christine said to me, "You are my friend" (in her mentally challenged voice.) I couldn't help but smile. Then my angel said to Christine, "so what are you leaving behind today" and with a broken emotional voice Christine said, "today I am leaving behind that I am never good enough for my mother!"
After a few minutes of running together their pace was too fast for me. They went on ahead and I was alone again. It is frankly how I like it and I was thankful to have time to think about what I was leaving on that road! Then I came to mile marker 12. That was exciting... almost! One more miles still seemed quite far! Then as I rounded one of the last corners I saw this huge teenage gospel choir. They were singing a rousing gospel number, not noticing the words, I was just moved by the site and sound, then I saw several girls making hearts with their hands, and I noticed the words were something about God having our hearts.... I couldn't help but start crying what a fitting finish to this trip! I cried for joy! Cried because it was another love letter to me from God! Wow how amazing He is!!!!!!
After leaving the choir, up ahead I saw mile marker 13! I held back my joy knowing there was still .1 to go and at this point everything felt like miles... then I turned the corner and saw the finish line. I saw that the .1 was not that far. The .1 was doable. In fact I decided that I was going to run the .1! So I took off and ran to the finish line. They called my name out as I crossed the finish line! Ahead all I could see was Sarah, I hugged her and cried, cried from relief, cried from pain, cried because I was so happy to be with her again. I then saw Anna with ice on her knees and a smile on her face! What a joy! What a journey.
What a day! What a journey! What an accomplishment!
Today, I left a lot of (C) behind. I am a finisher...with God's help! I can push myself physically, I am strong...because he created me that way! I am His princess! I have completed a Half Marathon! I completed it one step at a time.... because of God.
Someone in hearing my story mentioned that I probably would not have finished had it not been for the woman! I don't agree with that statement. It was not about that woman, it was about what God was doing for me through her. It was Him, grabbing my arm, it was Him (through her) reminding me that this was not just about a race, but about leaving stuff behind. God gave me the strength, God is who gets credit! I finished because, I was willing to listen to Him! I finished because he created me with the ability to fight through the pain. I finished and God gets the glory!!!! I am sure the scrawny, and at times annoying Angel would agree!!!!!
I was also asked if I thought she was an angel, a heavenly being. I guess it doesn't matter. If she was an angel, then I look forward to talking with her in heaven, and if she wasn't an angel then I look forward to talking with her in heaven. :) She was used by God and whether she was an earthly being or a heavenly being makes no difference. She was His instrument and that is remarkable!
I am so happy I did it! So happy I completed it! So happy for the journey I had with my maker and the journey we are still having today. After all, ...he is not letting me get rid of him....he will finish this with me...we are going to do this together....he will encourage me....he will intercede for me with the Father....he will grab my arm... and he will always be right there when things are tough, even when I'm not sure I want it!
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Duet. 31:8
I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." Genesis 28:15
Monday, February 27, 2012
Hello! Friday and Sabbath posts.....
Oh wow, I'm not sure what happened to the last post. It was sent from my phone in a text message which is supposed to be possible. I am so sorry. I have not posted in a while. Last Thursday was my last post. Friday I traveled to Orlando Fl. with my girls to prepare for the Princess Half Marathon. Our hotel did not have free internet so I was unable to post. Now my computer is having difficulties. Not sure what is wrong, but my battery is having issues.
I have been taking notes and working on posts everyday. I am going to write one post that will cover, the process over the last several days.
Friday:
As we were on our way down to Florida we passed through Apison, TN where the tornado did so much destruction. I have been through there many times and have been amazed by the range of hills where the trees look like sticks or straw that has been tossed around. Then every once in a while in that mess of "sticks" you would see a flattened house. Friday while driving through I saw the same "sticks" tossed around on the same range of hills, but now where the flattened homes had been are new brick beautiful homes with landscaped beautiful lawns and new trees. They looked out of place in the midst of all the destruction. I couldn't help but think what a blessing home insurance has been for all of the families who lost their homes. Because of their insurance they are able to rebuild. I know they have lost so much, but out of the sadness and destruction has come a new and beautiful home. I also wondered if the new homes were just like the old ones or a brand new floor plan, I wondered if they had been brick or made of siding the first time and why they choose the new brick.
So what does this have to do with me living minus the (C). Well, seeing the new homes coming out of destruction made me think of our insurance. I have an the assurance that Christ can make something better than before, stronger, more beautiful, and new. In the midst of the remains of destruction Christ will make a new.
Sabbath:
Was able to spend the day with my girls. We made preparations for our run, spent time sleeping, eating and just being together. We were all nervous and excited. I wrote on a piece of paper that my struggle with (C) was thoughts of defeat before I even began. I was scared, I was questioning my abilities and struggling with knowing that I could have done more.... I fought with lots of (C)! It was a rough day. Finally sabbath evening trying to fall asleep at 5:40pm, since we had to be up around 1am.... I prayed, I prayed that God would take the (C) away, that he would give me peace and the ability to sleep.
I have been taking notes and working on posts everyday. I am going to write one post that will cover, the process over the last several days.
Friday:
As we were on our way down to Florida we passed through Apison, TN where the tornado did so much destruction. I have been through there many times and have been amazed by the range of hills where the trees look like sticks or straw that has been tossed around. Then every once in a while in that mess of "sticks" you would see a flattened house. Friday while driving through I saw the same "sticks" tossed around on the same range of hills, but now where the flattened homes had been are new brick beautiful homes with landscaped beautiful lawns and new trees. They looked out of place in the midst of all the destruction. I couldn't help but think what a blessing home insurance has been for all of the families who lost their homes. Because of their insurance they are able to rebuild. I know they have lost so much, but out of the sadness and destruction has come a new and beautiful home. I also wondered if the new homes were just like the old ones or a brand new floor plan, I wondered if they had been brick or made of siding the first time and why they choose the new brick.
So what does this have to do with me living minus the (C). Well, seeing the new homes coming out of destruction made me think of our insurance. I have an the assurance that Christ can make something better than before, stronger, more beautiful, and new. In the midst of the remains of destruction Christ will make a new.
Sabbath:
Was able to spend the day with my girls. We made preparations for our run, spent time sleeping, eating and just being together. We were all nervous and excited. I wrote on a piece of paper that my struggle with (C) was thoughts of defeat before I even began. I was scared, I was questioning my abilities and struggling with knowing that I could have done more.... I fought with lots of (C)! It was a rough day. Finally sabbath evening trying to fall asleep at 5:40pm, since we had to be up around 1am.... I prayed, I prayed that God would take the (C) away, that he would give me peace and the ability to sleep.
Friday, February 24, 2012
152- Preparations
I am lieing on my daughters bed in the dorm at Southern. The pillow behind me is really a huge stuffed elephant. There is pink almost everywhere I look :) Anna and I have spent the evening bedazzling our shirts and planning for our run/walk...just a couple days from now. It is terrifying.... exciting... and all new. None of us have ever done anything like this before. For me it will be my first race ever... (I have a hard time calling it a race since I am just hoping to finish!) I am amazed at all the preparation involved.
We have to figure out what we are wearing... finish the outfits. We have to make sure we have water, carbs and our phones to keep us on track. We have so much to do!!!! So little time!!!!
Tomorrow we leave Southern at noon and drive to Orlando. Then Sabbath is all about relaxing, and getting our numbers etc. Tonight I am praying for healing in my ear... it is still causing me quite a bit of pain! Tonight I am praying that this is not just a run but an opportunity to bond with my girls and make memories. I will keep you all informed. Tonight, I am praising God for His son who is preparing right now for me. He is preparing and bedazzling an entire mansion for me. What a wonderful thought, that our Lord, not only redeemed us, not only longs to be with us, but is willing to spend time preparing for me!
We have to figure out what we are wearing... finish the outfits. We have to make sure we have water, carbs and our phones to keep us on track. We have so much to do!!!! So little time!!!!
Tomorrow we leave Southern at noon and drive to Orlando. Then Sabbath is all about relaxing, and getting our numbers etc. Tonight I am praying for healing in my ear... it is still causing me quite a bit of pain! Tonight I am praying that this is not just a run but an opportunity to bond with my girls and make memories. I will keep you all informed. Tonight, I am praising God for His son who is preparing right now for me. He is preparing and bedazzling an entire mansion for me. What a wonderful thought, that our Lord, not only redeemed us, not only longs to be with us, but is willing to spend time preparing for me!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
151- An Ear Ache
I want to begin this post by thanking everyone for their concern and love for me. I want to apologize for yesterdays downer post....but I wont!!!! I was honest, and it is important for me to be willing to be open and honest even when it is sad or ugly. I have spent way to many years putting on a face of "happy" so that those around me would be comfortable... regardless of the pain inside. I'm done with that. I am not planning on living my life, down, depressed and always crying! Yesterdays post will not become the norm....(I hope)....I believe facing the (C), washing it off, or burying it will produce, (as Lynn called it) a rose garden! I believe with all my heart that focusing on others, being positive, sharing Christ, dancing, enjoying the roses, etc. will be all the brighter, all the sweeter if I am first willing to face and deal with the (C)!
Today I developed a nasty festering outer ear. It started up and in a matter of hours and my ear was all I could think about. I started having a hard time hearing clearly out of my right ear, I couldn't chew, it itched, it throbbed, it was getting hot, it was angry. I found it interesting how little was wrong with my body, after all it was just the otter area of one ear, and yet how all consuming the pain was. It was just a little area on one outer ear and yet it was ALL I could think about.
I finally decided I needed to go get it looked at. With the 1/2 Marathon on Sunday, I need to get this figured out. I was afraid it was a terrible ear infection, and decided I had to find a Dr. to look at it. So I went to a local Urgent Care and waited for almost 2 hours, to spend 2 minutes and be told everything is fine, it is just irritated. She did prescribe some ear drops to help and I am hopeful it will be cleared up by Sunday...that is my prayer.
It was a wonderful reminder and illustration of how incredibly important it is to take care of our hearts. How important it is to take care or get rid of the (C). After all it doesn't take much (C) on the bottom of our shoes to stink up a room. It doesn't take much (C) on us to consume and permeate our lives. When I think of how much (C) I have treasured, and hung onto, it is no wonder I cry! It takes so little and I have had so much!
I told Chris tonight, how I am on a mission to figure out a process for burying the (C). Not burying it as in ignoring it, but letting it go, putting it down and covering it with soil so it can be fertilizer for something beautiful! That is my prayer, to figure out the process. To find some intentional steps, that will help get rid of it!
Here is what I do know. I do know it has everything to do with Jesus Christ. I do know He is the cleansing water, the warm shower or the soothing bubble bath that washes it all away.
James 4:8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
Psalm 51:2 Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
Psalm 51:10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Jeremiah 24:7 I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the LORD. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart.
Ezekiel 11:19 I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.
I know scripture has an important part in this process. Yesterday when I saw the Doctor, she gave me ear drops, meds to help heal my ear. I like to think of scripture as the medicine, or the soap. It certainly has an important role.
Tonight I am going to memorize one scripture. One scripture to repeat 3 times a day or when needed :)...
2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
I like this version....
Therefore, if anyone is in the Messiah, he is a new creation. Old things have disappeared, and-look!-all things have become new! (International Standard)
My paraphrase.... If I am in Him, in Christ Jesus, I will be washed sparkly clean. All the (C) will be gone, and wow what an incredible garden will grow!
Oh how I am ready to be living in a spring garden, blooming beautiful colorful sweet smelling flowers instead of piles of (C). What a contrast. What a beautiful thing it is, that God created this earth in such a way, that the sticky discarded, becomes the food for such sweet smelling beauty! I call that heaven magic!
Therefore, if anyone is in the Messiah, he is a new creation. Old things have disappeared, and look! all things have become new!
Today I developed a nasty festering outer ear. It started up and in a matter of hours and my ear was all I could think about. I started having a hard time hearing clearly out of my right ear, I couldn't chew, it itched, it throbbed, it was getting hot, it was angry. I found it interesting how little was wrong with my body, after all it was just the otter area of one ear, and yet how all consuming the pain was. It was just a little area on one outer ear and yet it was ALL I could think about.
I finally decided I needed to go get it looked at. With the 1/2 Marathon on Sunday, I need to get this figured out. I was afraid it was a terrible ear infection, and decided I had to find a Dr. to look at it. So I went to a local Urgent Care and waited for almost 2 hours, to spend 2 minutes and be told everything is fine, it is just irritated. She did prescribe some ear drops to help and I am hopeful it will be cleared up by Sunday...that is my prayer.
It was a wonderful reminder and illustration of how incredibly important it is to take care of our hearts. How important it is to take care or get rid of the (C). After all it doesn't take much (C) on the bottom of our shoes to stink up a room. It doesn't take much (C) on us to consume and permeate our lives. When I think of how much (C) I have treasured, and hung onto, it is no wonder I cry! It takes so little and I have had so much!
I told Chris tonight, how I am on a mission to figure out a process for burying the (C). Not burying it as in ignoring it, but letting it go, putting it down and covering it with soil so it can be fertilizer for something beautiful! That is my prayer, to figure out the process. To find some intentional steps, that will help get rid of it!
Here is what I do know. I do know it has everything to do with Jesus Christ. I do know He is the cleansing water, the warm shower or the soothing bubble bath that washes it all away.
James 4:8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
Psalm 51:2 Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
Psalm 51:10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Jeremiah 24:7 I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the LORD. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart.
Ezekiel 11:19 I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.
I know scripture has an important part in this process. Yesterday when I saw the Doctor, she gave me ear drops, meds to help heal my ear. I like to think of scripture as the medicine, or the soap. It certainly has an important role.
Tonight I am going to memorize one scripture. One scripture to repeat 3 times a day or when needed :)...
2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
I like this version....
Therefore, if anyone is in the Messiah, he is a new creation. Old things have disappeared, and-look!-all things have become new! (International Standard)
My paraphrase.... If I am in Him, in Christ Jesus, I will be washed sparkly clean. All the (C) will be gone, and wow what an incredible garden will grow!
Oh how I am ready to be living in a spring garden, blooming beautiful colorful sweet smelling flowers instead of piles of (C). What a contrast. What a beautiful thing it is, that God created this earth in such a way, that the sticky discarded, becomes the food for such sweet smelling beauty! I call that heaven magic!
Therefore, if anyone is in the Messiah, he is a new creation. Old things have disappeared, and look! all things have become new!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
150....One hundred Fifty....Hurt....Forgiveness....
150 posts is quite a number! I'm amazed it has gone this long, amazed I am still writing, still walking this journey. I have never credited myself with being a finisher.... Ok that is not true, others have told me I'm not a finisher, and it has always made me mad (inside) yet I have still accepted it as truth. Why...because I have a hard time disagreeing with people. I have a hard holding my beliefs if those I love and respect disagree. So 150, I am proud of. 150 says, it was (C) what I have been told. I am a finisher, a starter, an adjuster, when it is something I believe in!
Hurt...Forgiveness....
I'm not quite sure where to go with this. Right now I am wishing I had seriously read some of the many books that have been suggested on the subject of forgiveness. I wish I had profound insight. I know that people talk about forgiveness as something you do for yourself not for others....or it is also said that forgiveness is not saying it is OK what they did to harm you, but it is just letting go. I know forgiveness comes from God and if I am to forgive someone, I need a heart of forgiveness. I need to first understand how He forgave me!
Within the last week I have been hurt. Hurt that included old things, old hurts, old wounds, yet in the process I was also re wounded. (A new understanding, thanks to my loving brother) It is one of those situations when I can have love and frankly empathy for the ones that hurt me, but it doesn't take the hurt away. In the past, I would let the love and empathy I have for the one hurting me, mask or even deny the hurt. I am way past that. I was hurt and the worst of it is, it is both old and new hurt. I have a new understanding of the relationship, and that brings pain. I have cried a lot, (so much so my eyes have been burning days later) but I'm not convinced I'm done crying. I know tears can heal, but I'm not sure how long I would need to cry.
This hurt has shown a light on a whole lot of (C) I have held on to for a very long time. Much of it I have been confronting in this blog. It brought up the shame I have felt associated with my femininity, feeling unintelligent, lacking in leadership skills, not valued enough to be heard... and more.
I understand the head knowledge of what was going on, I can analyze it, even explain it, but that hasn't healed the hurt. Perhaps this time is harder because it brought up so much old (C). Perhaps this time is harder because I don't know where to go from here. I am not convinced that there is any benefit it trying to "work things out". I am not sure that would benefit anything except perhaps me hurting more. After all, I wasn't trying let things go where they went. I wasn't trying to put myself in a situation to be hurt....yet I was. So now what.
Forgiveness, I'm sure there is a place for it! Healing, Oh how I long for that! (I'm just not sure what treatment is needed for healing to take place.) I want to set boundaries, yet my optimism drives me to try to remain open to new possibilities. I want to fight back, scream, and hurt the ones who hurt me, but then I say... "what is the point!" I don't really want to do that at all. I don't want to make this bigger. I really just want to heal. I don't want to cry over this (C)!!!! (After all my eyes hurt now too!)
I am sorry if this all sounds very vague. I really believe the specifics are not important! There is no need for me to hurt or belittle others in the process. After all I am sure most, if not all of you, can put a face, or a group of faces and a list of circumstances to this story and it will be yours. Who hurt me and how he/ she/ or they/ hurt me is not important. I have no desire to push them under the water while I try to climb up on the life saving ring. So what now?
First, I am going to pray! Second, I am going to read the bible! Third, I am going to let myself cry! Forth, I am not going to avoid hurt by putting up walls, but set up a shield of promises.
Here are some verses I found comforting tonight...
Hurt...Forgiveness....
I'm not quite sure where to go with this. Right now I am wishing I had seriously read some of the many books that have been suggested on the subject of forgiveness. I wish I had profound insight. I know that people talk about forgiveness as something you do for yourself not for others....or it is also said that forgiveness is not saying it is OK what they did to harm you, but it is just letting go. I know forgiveness comes from God and if I am to forgive someone, I need a heart of forgiveness. I need to first understand how He forgave me!
Within the last week I have been hurt. Hurt that included old things, old hurts, old wounds, yet in the process I was also re wounded. (A new understanding, thanks to my loving brother) It is one of those situations when I can have love and frankly empathy for the ones that hurt me, but it doesn't take the hurt away. In the past, I would let the love and empathy I have for the one hurting me, mask or even deny the hurt. I am way past that. I was hurt and the worst of it is, it is both old and new hurt. I have a new understanding of the relationship, and that brings pain. I have cried a lot, (so much so my eyes have been burning days later) but I'm not convinced I'm done crying. I know tears can heal, but I'm not sure how long I would need to cry.
This hurt has shown a light on a whole lot of (C) I have held on to for a very long time. Much of it I have been confronting in this blog. It brought up the shame I have felt associated with my femininity, feeling unintelligent, lacking in leadership skills, not valued enough to be heard... and more.
I understand the head knowledge of what was going on, I can analyze it, even explain it, but that hasn't healed the hurt. Perhaps this time is harder because it brought up so much old (C). Perhaps this time is harder because I don't know where to go from here. I am not convinced that there is any benefit it trying to "work things out". I am not sure that would benefit anything except perhaps me hurting more. After all, I wasn't trying let things go where they went. I wasn't trying to put myself in a situation to be hurt....yet I was. So now what.
Forgiveness, I'm sure there is a place for it! Healing, Oh how I long for that! (I'm just not sure what treatment is needed for healing to take place.) I want to set boundaries, yet my optimism drives me to try to remain open to new possibilities. I want to fight back, scream, and hurt the ones who hurt me, but then I say... "what is the point!" I don't really want to do that at all. I don't want to make this bigger. I really just want to heal. I don't want to cry over this (C)!!!! (After all my eyes hurt now too!)
I am sorry if this all sounds very vague. I really believe the specifics are not important! There is no need for me to hurt or belittle others in the process. After all I am sure most, if not all of you, can put a face, or a group of faces and a list of circumstances to this story and it will be yours. Who hurt me and how he/ she/ or they/ hurt me is not important. I have no desire to push them under the water while I try to climb up on the life saving ring. So what now?
First, I am going to pray! Second, I am going to read the bible! Third, I am going to let myself cry! Forth, I am not going to avoid hurt by putting up walls, but set up a shield of promises.
Here are some verses I found comforting tonight...
Proverbs 19:11 A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.
Matthew 6:14 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
Romans 15:7 Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.
Ephesians 4:2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Matthew 6:14 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
Romans 15:7 Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.
Ephesians 4:2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
1 Samuel 24:15 May the LORD be our judge and decide between us. May he consider my cause and uphold it; may he vindicate me by delivering me from your hand."
Psalm 119:154 Defend my cause and redeem me; preserve my life according to your promise.
Tonight I need that last plea! I am praying that He will preserve my life according to His promise! I feel stronger already! Goodnight!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
149- Rest (not sure what is happening... thought this was posted last night too!)
Rest.... Ahhhhh.... Rest!!!! We are supposed to get it! We are supposed to need it!!!! We require it for life!!! Yet for so many of us Rest is something we find very difficult to achieve. So many times even if we have moments of rest, we figure out ways to take away the rest with guilt. I guess I should not be saying we... ME would be more appropriate. I have had several days that have been wonderful but very full, and very long. So today I got caught up on things that needed to be done, and took a nap... got some rest!!!
Christ makes it very clear that we need rest and he has provided opportunity for us to have it. The Sabbath and the promise that coming to Him results in rest. So why is it that we find ways to keep ourselves so busy we don't find time to be with Him, we don't even find time during the Sabbath hours to rest in him. Our culture glorifies the person who can do so much, the person who is always doing something important. How many times when talking with people about our lives do we say, "Life is great, I have spent plenty of time relaxing and resting!" Why do we lead with how busy things have been, how crazy life is, our busy schedule etc. Why? How come we brag about the crazy hectic life and don't "brag" about the rest.
I think it has to do with what we value. Think about it. Would you find it easy to share with people how rested you are, how stress free your life is, or how much you enjoy the down time you have been able to have? Would we. I know I would find say it either bragging or lazy. I'm not sure I could lead with, "I have done nothing" and feel good about it.
I personally think it is (C) that we find it less impressive to rest than to work. I am not suggesting that we become beach dwelling bums without a purpose or the ability to work hard. Hard work is important and good, but over working, over programing, over stressing, over serving, over playing, leads to the inability to rest!
Today, I spent sometime resting, and I am thankful for the rest!
Christ makes it very clear that we need rest and he has provided opportunity for us to have it. The Sabbath and the promise that coming to Him results in rest. So why is it that we find ways to keep ourselves so busy we don't find time to be with Him, we don't even find time during the Sabbath hours to rest in him. Our culture glorifies the person who can do so much, the person who is always doing something important. How many times when talking with people about our lives do we say, "Life is great, I have spent plenty of time relaxing and resting!" Why do we lead with how busy things have been, how crazy life is, our busy schedule etc. Why? How come we brag about the crazy hectic life and don't "brag" about the rest.
I think it has to do with what we value. Think about it. Would you find it easy to share with people how rested you are, how stress free your life is, or how much you enjoy the down time you have been able to have? Would we. I know I would find say it either bragging or lazy. I'm not sure I could lead with, "I have done nothing" and feel good about it.
I personally think it is (C) that we find it less impressive to rest than to work. I am not suggesting that we become beach dwelling bums without a purpose or the ability to work hard. Hard work is important and good, but over working, over programing, over stressing, over serving, over playing, leads to the inability to rest!
Today, I spent sometime resting, and I am thankful for the rest!
Monday, February 20, 2012
148- An MtC day!
With 8 hours of driving, a meeting, breakfast with my girls, and dinner with my man, today was a wonderful day! I enjoyed the drive, listening to music, sermons, and talking with Anna. It was for the most part a MtC day. The only (C) was fear realizing it was exactly one week till the race. One week till the Princess 1/2 Marathon! I started to not just be afraid but to accept (C),....BUT.... I rolled down the car window... and then let myself be afraid, let myself have nerves without the (C) that usually accompanies it.
Having a day without the (C) made it easier to absorb what was going on around me. Today I was listening to sermons and being blessed and learning. I was open, free, ready to take in. When you are covered in (C) or holding it, it is hard to focus on anything else. After all the stench, the mess that gets everywhere you touch etc, makes it impossible to clearly and without distraction see others or hear truth. I am so thankful for today, so thankful for a day where I drove through rain, sleet and snow yet basked in the Son all day long!
(This was written last night, and for some reason didn't post as I thought, so I am posting it this afternoon!)
Having a day without the (C) made it easier to absorb what was going on around me. Today I was listening to sermons and being blessed and learning. I was open, free, ready to take in. When you are covered in (C) or holding it, it is hard to focus on anything else. After all the stench, the mess that gets everywhere you touch etc, makes it impossible to clearly and without distraction see others or hear truth. I am so thankful for today, so thankful for a day where I drove through rain, sleet and snow yet basked in the Son all day long!
(This was written last night, and for some reason didn't post as I thought, so I am posting it this afternoon!)
Sunday, February 19, 2012
147- 21 Weeks of Blogging
Today I have had the privilege of spending time with all three of my children. It is a rare opportunity I highly value. Each one of my children is so unique. You could say they are nothing alike. I enjoy having completely different relationships with each. I don't try to be fair because that would be like trying to climb a mountain in a row boat or going down the rapids with nothing but hiking boots. Each child requires a unique relationship and I love that. I love all three, miss all three, and am incredibly proud of all three.
I have spent much of my life feeling it necessary for my relationship with God to be similar to people around me whom I admired. I grew up yearning to have a relationship with God like my mother or my father. I sought approval and affirmation from others. I needed them to affirm what I was experiencing in my relationship with Christ as "right".
The first time I started questioning this idea was after I got married. I started to understand that as unique as I was, so should my relationship with Christ be. Today, I have struggled with reverting back to my old way of thinking. I don't really believe it.... but somehow today little things have happened that have made me envious of others with a relationship different than mine. For some reason likeness affirms me. It is crazy though! After all, there are lots of people who believe the same way who are completely wrong! All of them! Likeness has nothing to do with rightness!
As I spent very different time with each of my children today, and enjoyed every minute of it, I was reminded that God must not only be alright with us having unique relationships with him, but he only wants to have real and genuinely unique times with us!
Tonight I am praising God that he created me to be me! Tonight I am especially grateful that he desires to have a relationship with me that is like no other!!!! It is a custom designed, one of a kind relationship, JUST for ME!!!!
I have spent much of my life feeling it necessary for my relationship with God to be similar to people around me whom I admired. I grew up yearning to have a relationship with God like my mother or my father. I sought approval and affirmation from others. I needed them to affirm what I was experiencing in my relationship with Christ as "right".
The first time I started questioning this idea was after I got married. I started to understand that as unique as I was, so should my relationship with Christ be. Today, I have struggled with reverting back to my old way of thinking. I don't really believe it.... but somehow today little things have happened that have made me envious of others with a relationship different than mine. For some reason likeness affirms me. It is crazy though! After all, there are lots of people who believe the same way who are completely wrong! All of them! Likeness has nothing to do with rightness!
As I spent very different time with each of my children today, and enjoyed every minute of it, I was reminded that God must not only be alright with us having unique relationships with him, but he only wants to have real and genuinely unique times with us!
Tonight I am praising God that he created me to be me! Tonight I am especially grateful that he desires to have a relationship with me that is like no other!!!! It is a custom designed, one of a kind relationship, JUST for ME!!!!
Friday, February 17, 2012
146- Goodnight
Tonight there is so much I want to say. So much I want to write about and yet I have been up for 19 hours, and I am exhausted. So I am going to say just this....
Today I had to deal with lots of (C) from the past. Hurts that are very very old. Why and how it came up is unimportant, but oh how it hurt.
At one point driving and praying, I thought of the sea, the depths of the sea. I know the scripture talks about Christ putting our sins in the depths of the sea, but today I was praying that he would take the (C) from so long ago. The (C) that I have held on to for far to long.... I prayed that he would take it and dump it into the deepest sea, never to be seen again. Then I thought about how sometimes (C) doesn't sink. Sometimes it floats and just pollutes the water.
Then I thought about (C) and the best way to dispose of it, and I remembered the second home Chris and I lived in. Our children were little and keeping up with the yard was very difficult, but we tried. There were no real flower beds or landscaping and the lawn was more trimmed weeds than lawn. Yet right across our front yard was this long 3X20 foot wide swath of lush green lawn. It was beautiful, bright green and grew at a much faster rate than the rest of the yard. It was the septic line. It was all the (C) from our family that was creating this lush green stripe. (C) can make something beautiful if we are willing to let go and bury it. It stinks, it stains, it attracts flies, but once buried it changes and creates beauty!
So today when I discovered a whole lot of old crap, I mean old moldy been around way to long crap, I decided to change my prayer and ask God to please help me bury it. I ask Him to help me bury it so beauty can grow out of this life. I don't want to stink, stain or attract flies, but contribute to beauty.
Today I had to deal with lots of (C) from the past. Hurts that are very very old. Why and how it came up is unimportant, but oh how it hurt.
At one point driving and praying, I thought of the sea, the depths of the sea. I know the scripture talks about Christ putting our sins in the depths of the sea, but today I was praying that he would take the (C) from so long ago. The (C) that I have held on to for far to long.... I prayed that he would take it and dump it into the deepest sea, never to be seen again. Then I thought about how sometimes (C) doesn't sink. Sometimes it floats and just pollutes the water.
Then I thought about (C) and the best way to dispose of it, and I remembered the second home Chris and I lived in. Our children were little and keeping up with the yard was very difficult, but we tried. There were no real flower beds or landscaping and the lawn was more trimmed weeds than lawn. Yet right across our front yard was this long 3X20 foot wide swath of lush green lawn. It was beautiful, bright green and grew at a much faster rate than the rest of the yard. It was the septic line. It was all the (C) from our family that was creating this lush green stripe. (C) can make something beautiful if we are willing to let go and bury it. It stinks, it stains, it attracts flies, but once buried it changes and creates beauty!
So today when I discovered a whole lot of old crap, I mean old moldy been around way to long crap, I decided to change my prayer and ask God to please help me bury it. I ask Him to help me bury it so beauty can grow out of this life. I don't want to stink, stain or attract flies, but contribute to beauty.
145- Mentors
Mentors are such an invaluable gift. Today was an incredible blessing! I had the opportunity to spend time with a woman who has been such a huge influence in my life. She is a woman who always leads with grace, she loves with joy and has a way of getting you to spill your deepest feelings. The first time I met her, she was sending me flowers, while I was home sick with my three children, and we had never met! She then called me on the phone, affirmed me for being a mother and prayed with me. That was the start of an incredible friendship!
Today as we talked and shared, I can honestly say I experienced Christ. It is always an uplifting experience being around her. She has a way of creating a safe place to be open. A safe place to share the deep, dark, and even the beautiful! It is rare to find such a mentor! It is rare to find such a friend.
In this life there is so much (C). (C) being flung around by all of us. (C) that we are told. (C) that we experience by those who are mean and those who are hurting themselves. Yet in the midst of so much (C) there are moments when light shines through. Moments of grace. Moments when hope is shared. Moments when here we can experience Christ. Those are (C) free moments. It is in those moments when (C) can be washed away.
I have talked about people slinging (C). Sometimes intentionally, and many times unintentionally. Today, I experienced not just the absence of (C) but the presence of water, or sweet smelling lotion. Today, I realized that if we are not slinging (C) then we can be part of helping to wash away the (C). Yes I know it is Christ who supplies the healing cleansing power, but we can be his hands, we can be grace in action. I also was reminded today that this process is not selfish. Spending time each day to focus on the process of letting go of the (C), spending time each day putting it down, throwing it out the window, or taking a shower, putting on that fluffy white robe and putting on sweet smelling lotion is not selfish. It is a process necessary for us to be the grace he wants us to be for others. If I am holding onto (C), cherishing it, being comforted by it, I am going to spread it to others. Not intentionally, but it is not possible to be covered in it and not get it on others. I can't eat a meal with you, or even talk with you with out (C) getting on you.
I want to be a safe place of grace for those I come in contact with. I want to be a place of unconditional extravagant love for my family and friends. I don't ever want to contribute to your (C) by sharing mine!!!!!!
Tonight I am determined to keep working with God on this process of learning to live without (C)! Tonight I am thankful for a beautiful day, with a beautiful lady who shared with me my beautiful Savior! Tonight I am not only praying for healing, praying for cleansing, tonight I am praying that He will finish the work he has begun and use me, REALLY use me to share His LOVE!!!!!
Today as we talked and shared, I can honestly say I experienced Christ. It is always an uplifting experience being around her. She has a way of creating a safe place to be open. A safe place to share the deep, dark, and even the beautiful! It is rare to find such a mentor! It is rare to find such a friend.
In this life there is so much (C). (C) being flung around by all of us. (C) that we are told. (C) that we experience by those who are mean and those who are hurting themselves. Yet in the midst of so much (C) there are moments when light shines through. Moments of grace. Moments when hope is shared. Moments when here we can experience Christ. Those are (C) free moments. It is in those moments when (C) can be washed away.
I have talked about people slinging (C). Sometimes intentionally, and many times unintentionally. Today, I experienced not just the absence of (C) but the presence of water, or sweet smelling lotion. Today, I realized that if we are not slinging (C) then we can be part of helping to wash away the (C). Yes I know it is Christ who supplies the healing cleansing power, but we can be his hands, we can be grace in action. I also was reminded today that this process is not selfish. Spending time each day to focus on the process of letting go of the (C), spending time each day putting it down, throwing it out the window, or taking a shower, putting on that fluffy white robe and putting on sweet smelling lotion is not selfish. It is a process necessary for us to be the grace he wants us to be for others. If I am holding onto (C), cherishing it, being comforted by it, I am going to spread it to others. Not intentionally, but it is not possible to be covered in it and not get it on others. I can't eat a meal with you, or even talk with you with out (C) getting on you.
I want to be a safe place of grace for those I come in contact with. I want to be a place of unconditional extravagant love for my family and friends. I don't ever want to contribute to your (C) by sharing mine!!!!!!
Tonight I am determined to keep working with God on this process of learning to live without (C)! Tonight I am thankful for a beautiful day, with a beautiful lady who shared with me my beautiful Savior! Tonight I am not only praying for healing, praying for cleansing, tonight I am praying that He will finish the work he has begun and use me, REALLY use me to share His LOVE!!!!!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
144- Such a biblical number
My husband is home and falling asleep next to me. What a wonderful thing it is to have him home! The last several days I have spent lots of time trying to get over a bug of some kind...praying for the One Project and all in attendance, reading, and thinking about several upcoming speaking engagements. I need to finalize topics, study and prepare. I have found myself crippled with (C). Caught up in doubt, feelings of inadequacy, and even shame. I know I have been given the gift of speaking. I can accept that and am humbled by the opportunities to use my gift, but I have spent to much time separating the preparation from the act. I feel confident in the act of speaking and highly inadequate in the preparation. Preparation means in depth study. Preparation means planning. Preparation means organizing. Preparation means to be connected to God. I doubt myself in every one of these areas.
I also have a problem with looking at others and comparing myself. For example I look at pastors who inspire me, pastors who have a way of opening my eyes to new and interesting concepts, or to a fresh way of looking at an old story and I then feel more inadequate. Chris and I talked last night about the amazing speakers and the powerful messages he had been listening to. I then start doubting my ability. I start doubting so much.
So today with my focus on living minus the (C) I have tried to trust that if I have been called to speak then He must be willing to give me something to speak about. Today I have literally been saying, "get thee behind me Satan! Jesus Christ live in me!" Today I have struggled with topics, struggled with reading and ended up simply putting it all down, and spending time listening in prayer.
It is huge for me to see where the crippling feelings are coming from. I can not tell you how many times I have struggled with this over the years and instead of seeing the (C) for what it is, I would just ad more (C). For example if I found it difficult to study or find a topic, not realizing what I was really struggling with, I would then start beating myself up for not working hard enough or soon enough etc. At least I am now recognizing the (C) for what it is and am able to completely eliminate the additional layer of (C).
Tonight, I am trying to listen to God more than anything. To listen, to read, and to listen again.
I also have a problem with looking at others and comparing myself. For example I look at pastors who inspire me, pastors who have a way of opening my eyes to new and interesting concepts, or to a fresh way of looking at an old story and I then feel more inadequate. Chris and I talked last night about the amazing speakers and the powerful messages he had been listening to. I then start doubting my ability. I start doubting so much.
So today with my focus on living minus the (C) I have tried to trust that if I have been called to speak then He must be willing to give me something to speak about. Today I have literally been saying, "get thee behind me Satan! Jesus Christ live in me!" Today I have struggled with topics, struggled with reading and ended up simply putting it all down, and spending time listening in prayer.
It is huge for me to see where the crippling feelings are coming from. I can not tell you how many times I have struggled with this over the years and instead of seeing the (C) for what it is, I would just ad more (C). For example if I found it difficult to study or find a topic, not realizing what I was really struggling with, I would then start beating myself up for not working hard enough or soon enough etc. At least I am now recognizing the (C) for what it is and am able to completely eliminate the additional layer of (C).
Tonight, I am trying to listen to God more than anything. To listen, to read, and to listen again.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
143- Valentines Day
Warning.... there is only one thing or shall I say there is only one person this post can be about.
On this day filled with chocolate, flowers and romantic dinners, I am home alone, not feeling my best and I am completely happy about it. Sure I would enjoy another evening with Chris, sure I wish I wasn't spending most of my day feeling ick...but I am so thrilled that my husband is exactly where he should be right now!
Chris and I have had quite the love story. I have been reflecting on all the romantic gestures he has done over the years. Some huge... really amazing and showy. Others quiet and simple. Sometimes he has done very little, but I have NEVER questioned his feelings for me. I have never questioned his desire to please me, to love me, to honor me. I have always known he would do anything for me.
It was his love and acceptance, his unconditional admiration of me that started to give me a glimpse into understanding how Christ loves me. He knows me so well, he knows the good, bad and the very ugly. He has seen the worst, and suffered because of my worst and has still adored me. The gift he has given to me is remarkable. Chris is not an angel. He is far from a perfect man. He struggles just like everyone else. But there is no one else I have ever known who loves more strongly, both his family and his Lord.
In the past few months Chris has been under a lot of extra pressure. Much of the struggle our church has been having keeps involving him. Chris may seem like a real fighter, but he loves and craves peace. He may seem tough but his is at the core a gentle soul. The conflict, the struggle has had a tole on him. There have been many days when he is worn out, mentally and emotionally exhausted.
Tonight I am so thankful and happy that he has had the opportunity to be at the One Project! It has been a much needed blessing for him! It thrills my soul to know he is exactly where he should be.
So why talk about him, why share about Chris in this blog? There is no question he has contributed so much to the success of this journey for me. He has read daily, encouraged me with notes, comments and most of all... looks of admiration. He has hurt with me, laughed with me and encouraged me everyday. So I thought it would be fitting to affirm him and highlight his contribution to this process on Valentines Day. This has perhaps been one of our best Valentines Days. I have the confidence and the knowledge that he loves me. I have the joy of knowing today he has been blessed and that is better than roses and dinner.
Happy Valentines Day love, come home soon! XOXO
On this day filled with chocolate, flowers and romantic dinners, I am home alone, not feeling my best and I am completely happy about it. Sure I would enjoy another evening with Chris, sure I wish I wasn't spending most of my day feeling ick...but I am so thrilled that my husband is exactly where he should be right now!
Chris and I have had quite the love story. I have been reflecting on all the romantic gestures he has done over the years. Some huge... really amazing and showy. Others quiet and simple. Sometimes he has done very little, but I have NEVER questioned his feelings for me. I have never questioned his desire to please me, to love me, to honor me. I have always known he would do anything for me.
It was his love and acceptance, his unconditional admiration of me that started to give me a glimpse into understanding how Christ loves me. He knows me so well, he knows the good, bad and the very ugly. He has seen the worst, and suffered because of my worst and has still adored me. The gift he has given to me is remarkable. Chris is not an angel. He is far from a perfect man. He struggles just like everyone else. But there is no one else I have ever known who loves more strongly, both his family and his Lord.
In the past few months Chris has been under a lot of extra pressure. Much of the struggle our church has been having keeps involving him. Chris may seem like a real fighter, but he loves and craves peace. He may seem tough but his is at the core a gentle soul. The conflict, the struggle has had a tole on him. There have been many days when he is worn out, mentally and emotionally exhausted.
Tonight I am so thankful and happy that he has had the opportunity to be at the One Project! It has been a much needed blessing for him! It thrills my soul to know he is exactly where he should be.
So why talk about him, why share about Chris in this blog? There is no question he has contributed so much to the success of this journey for me. He has read daily, encouraged me with notes, comments and most of all... looks of admiration. He has hurt with me, laughed with me and encouraged me everyday. So I thought it would be fitting to affirm him and highlight his contribution to this process on Valentines Day. This has perhaps been one of our best Valentines Days. I have the confidence and the knowledge that he loves me. I have the joy of knowing today he has been blessed and that is better than roses and dinner.
Happy Valentines Day love, come home soon! XOXO
Monday, February 13, 2012
142- Defining Moments
For each of us there are moments that forever change us. Moments that completely change the way we think about things, or change our view of someone. I can look back and identify many defining moments.
1. The first time my daddy asked if I would like to go with him on visitations. I was a very little girl, 7 or 8, and that was the first time I remember feeling like a woman :)
2. The moment a woman told me I needed to watch my weight at 11... the first time I felt fat.
3. Hot chocolate with whipped cream and a cherry on top. That is when I first thought there might be someone as good as my dad.... or better!
4. The Hilton Hotel....
5. Becoming a mother.... the day I went back to school....Sitting in church and seeing the empty pew beside me and knowing nothing would ever be the same again, my nest is truly empty! -- On and on and on....
Defining moment today.... Acts 9:34 And Peter said unto him, Aeneas, Jesus Christ makes you whole: arise, and make your bed. And he arose immediately.
I have been praying to be made whole. I have been praying for healing. I have been praying to be set free. I have faith he can, I have faith if it will glorify him, it will happen! Tonight this scripture hit me. It is one of those moments when things are even more clear! Yes only He can heal. Only Him! But with healing comes my response to NOT stay in the same state as I was before healing! As Christ sees fit to heal and make me whole....I have to be willing then to pick up my bed, make my bed, and walk, run, or attempt ballet.
The last couple weeks as I have posted I have been struggling with this idea of His role and mine. If it is only Him than what do I do, just sit around and wait, keep going about my life as I always have, is blogging, going to ballet class, claiming promises etc. all me trying to make it happen in my time? Should I be more willing to just sit and wait? I know we are to wait on the Lord, we are to surrender to Him etc. Tonight, it seems clear to me. Tonight I pictured myself as Aeneas, being healed, and then there was this point where he had a choice. He could have just decided that the bed he was on was familiar and comfortable. He could have decided to just continue lying around as he had for so long. After all walking, running, making his bed, these were all unfamiliar. He also could have questioned whether or not he had truly been healed. He could have said he needed time to adjust to the idea that he might be able to walk. I have to make choices and as the Lord guides and as the Lord heals, I then have a part to play. If I want to walk, I have to get up and walk. He may have healed my legs, but He won't force me to walk.
I also believe tonight that there are things I can do while waiting for healing or while living with my holes. There are things I can do to help. I can claim promises, learn to have faith in him, learn to accept my pain and use it to glorify God. Learn to accept this journey and do my part.
Reading this text encouraged me. Reading this text inspired me to get up, make my bed and run. It has inspired me to surrender my life to Christ, trust he will make me whole, and in the mean time, I am going to do everything I can to facilitate healing. Perhaps those steps I take will be part of His plan for healing me.
Today was a defining moment for me. "....Jesus Christ has made you whole... get up, make your bed and run!"
As I read this text I am reminded of the importance for me to "make my bed and get up".
1. The first time my daddy asked if I would like to go with him on visitations. I was a very little girl, 7 or 8, and that was the first time I remember feeling like a woman :)
2. The moment a woman told me I needed to watch my weight at 11... the first time I felt fat.
3. Hot chocolate with whipped cream and a cherry on top. That is when I first thought there might be someone as good as my dad.... or better!
4. The Hilton Hotel....
5. Becoming a mother.... the day I went back to school....Sitting in church and seeing the empty pew beside me and knowing nothing would ever be the same again, my nest is truly empty! -- On and on and on....
Defining moment today.... Acts 9:34 And Peter said unto him, Aeneas, Jesus Christ makes you whole: arise, and make your bed. And he arose immediately.
I have been praying to be made whole. I have been praying for healing. I have been praying to be set free. I have faith he can, I have faith if it will glorify him, it will happen! Tonight this scripture hit me. It is one of those moments when things are even more clear! Yes only He can heal. Only Him! But with healing comes my response to NOT stay in the same state as I was before healing! As Christ sees fit to heal and make me whole....I have to be willing then to pick up my bed, make my bed, and walk, run, or attempt ballet.
The last couple weeks as I have posted I have been struggling with this idea of His role and mine. If it is only Him than what do I do, just sit around and wait, keep going about my life as I always have, is blogging, going to ballet class, claiming promises etc. all me trying to make it happen in my time? Should I be more willing to just sit and wait? I know we are to wait on the Lord, we are to surrender to Him etc. Tonight, it seems clear to me. Tonight I pictured myself as Aeneas, being healed, and then there was this point where he had a choice. He could have just decided that the bed he was on was familiar and comfortable. He could have decided to just continue lying around as he had for so long. After all walking, running, making his bed, these were all unfamiliar. He also could have questioned whether or not he had truly been healed. He could have said he needed time to adjust to the idea that he might be able to walk. I have to make choices and as the Lord guides and as the Lord heals, I then have a part to play. If I want to walk, I have to get up and walk. He may have healed my legs, but He won't force me to walk.
I also believe tonight that there are things I can do while waiting for healing or while living with my holes. There are things I can do to help. I can claim promises, learn to have faith in him, learn to accept my pain and use it to glorify God. Learn to accept this journey and do my part.
Reading this text encouraged me. Reading this text inspired me to get up, make my bed and run. It has inspired me to surrender my life to Christ, trust he will make me whole, and in the mean time, I am going to do everything I can to facilitate healing. Perhaps those steps I take will be part of His plan for healing me.
Today was a defining moment for me. "....Jesus Christ has made you whole... get up, make your bed and run!"
As I read this text I am reminded of the importance for me to "make my bed and get up".
Sunday, February 12, 2012
141- Slippers
Today I spent some time with a couple girl friends I almost never get to see anymore. I headed over to Carolyn's house first thing this morning in a sweatshirt and slippers, with hair up in a pony tail. I was far from cute but comfy, warm and dressed perfect for the important act of curling up on a couch and chatting with girlfriends.
After a couple hours of chit chat we decided to head out for lunch. So we went down town to the Ethiopian restaurant. We had a lovely lunch. The conversation was about all things important, like children, God, church etc. As we were leaving I looked down and realized I had forgotten to put my shoes on and had gone into the restaurant with my red slippers on. It may not sound like much, but I can't begin to tell you the layers of crap that normally would have flooded into my mind. Instead I laughed at myself, and continued on with wonderful conversation. Today was about connecting, getting things done and I am no less of a person, no less valuable because I didn't put on make up, wore slippers down town and wore a frumpy hoody with a pony tail and gray hair. What a wonderful day! I was free! It was such a joy!
Today is my sons birthday. I remember the day we found out I was pregnant.... AGAIN! That day I praise God we had a sense of humor. I praise God we laughed and were able to look forward to meeting our little man. Well, today he is 19 and not a little man any more. I know God knew we needed Andrew here on this earth, and I believe he has a special plan for him. He has already been such a blessing for our family! Happy Birthday my boy!
It is hard to believe that my baby boy is 19. Where did the years go? It can't be possible, can it? Well since there is living proof, I suppose it is a great opportunity to acknowledge how fast time can fly and make every day count. Everyday be a day filled with love! Hug those around you. Relish in friends, family and most of all God. He cherishes you and me! He delights in us! Bask in it!
After a couple hours of chit chat we decided to head out for lunch. So we went down town to the Ethiopian restaurant. We had a lovely lunch. The conversation was about all things important, like children, God, church etc. As we were leaving I looked down and realized I had forgotten to put my shoes on and had gone into the restaurant with my red slippers on. It may not sound like much, but I can't begin to tell you the layers of crap that normally would have flooded into my mind. Instead I laughed at myself, and continued on with wonderful conversation. Today was about connecting, getting things done and I am no less of a person, no less valuable because I didn't put on make up, wore slippers down town and wore a frumpy hoody with a pony tail and gray hair. What a wonderful day! I was free! It was such a joy!
Today is my sons birthday. I remember the day we found out I was pregnant.... AGAIN! That day I praise God we had a sense of humor. I praise God we laughed and were able to look forward to meeting our little man. Well, today he is 19 and not a little man any more. I know God knew we needed Andrew here on this earth, and I believe he has a special plan for him. He has already been such a blessing for our family! Happy Birthday my boy!
It is hard to believe that my baby boy is 19. Where did the years go? It can't be possible, can it? Well since there is living proof, I suppose it is a great opportunity to acknowledge how fast time can fly and make every day count. Everyday be a day filled with love! Hug those around you. Relish in friends, family and most of all God. He cherishes you and me! He delights in us! Bask in it!
Sabbath and many other blessings!
As I drove to church at sunrise the sky captivated me. As I marveled at the beauty of the colors, the shading, the majesty of it all I praised God for the blessings in my life. Husband, three children, a church family, friends, and so much more.
Chris left right after church for Raleigh to catch his flight to Seattle. I was faced with being home alone. It was fine, I had a nice lunch went to bed to read and then took a nap. I awoke from my nap to a phone call from Andrew. He proceeded to tell me how he and his friends had been in a serious car accident. Everyone was fine. As he told me the story he kept saying how it was a miracle they were not hurt.
There isn't much to say, except I am filled with thanksgiving! Praising God, my son was alive to celebrate his birthday. I found myself saying that nothing matters. Why do I worry about things like letting go of (C), however I came to the conclusion that I want more than anything to really live. Really let go and cherish each and every moment. I don't have time to waste on (C). I don't want to use time, or energy on living my life in a way that doesn't honor my creator.
So tonight, I went to the store bought some groceries, passed by the mac n cheese, the cake, the doughnuts, and bought fruit, and other healthy good food. Tonight, I have been working on things that need to be done, just continuing on this journey of letting go. Tonight I am praising God for his protection!!!!!!!!!
Chris left right after church for Raleigh to catch his flight to Seattle. I was faced with being home alone. It was fine, I had a nice lunch went to bed to read and then took a nap. I awoke from my nap to a phone call from Andrew. He proceeded to tell me how he and his friends had been in a serious car accident. Everyone was fine. As he told me the story he kept saying how it was a miracle they were not hurt.
There isn't much to say, except I am filled with thanksgiving! Praising God, my son was alive to celebrate his birthday. I found myself saying that nothing matters. Why do I worry about things like letting go of (C), however I came to the conclusion that I want more than anything to really live. Really let go and cherish each and every moment. I don't have time to waste on (C). I don't want to use time, or energy on living my life in a way that doesn't honor my creator.
So tonight, I went to the store bought some groceries, passed by the mac n cheese, the cake, the doughnuts, and bought fruit, and other healthy good food. Tonight, I have been working on things that need to be done, just continuing on this journey of letting go. Tonight I am praising God for his protection!!!!!!!!!
Friday, February 10, 2012
139- Outward vs Inward
I love the bible text 1 Samuel 17:7 "....The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”
I was walking into dance class, a few minutes late, rushing, when I realized I had forgotten to bring a hair band to put my hair up. I was such a mess. Long hair curly, wild and huge. All day I had felt quite cute and together. I had make up on, my hair was wild but curly and I had a shimmery scarf on. I took a group of Korean students to a Korean restaurant did some shopping and had an overall wonderful day. After a nice supper with my husband, I had practice at the church. That is where it all started. See at the church I had to change into dance clothes. (tight fitting body showing clothes) All of a sudden I feel less of everything. Confidence... down...freedom.... gone....outward, thinking of others focus...squelched. I put on my long sweater and scarf in an attempt to hide my every lump and bump and made it through practice. Then off to dance and after realizing I didn't have my hair band every insecurity I had came flooding in. I pictured myself as this not having it all together, awkward, over weight, lazy... and the list goes on. I could swear I saw in the eyes of my instructor, "wow she needs to get it together...what a walking disaster....etc"
For Chris and I Valentines day was today. He is flying out of town tomorrow and will be gone through Wed. I planned a date for us, finding a new and interesting restaurant and purchasing tickets for us to see The Vow. I planned all day what I was going to wear, how I would do my hair etc. Then with work items taking up a good portion of my day, errands to get done, before my make up was done, Chris was here to pick me up. So once again I was putting on make up in the car. (nothing new for me, I do it all the time) I am assuming (C) that Chris must be thinking, as we are driving to the movie. Not unlike all the (C) I was assuming my dancing instructor was thinking. I had such big plans. Plans, like him coming home and finding me dressed up, hair done and beautiful make up. A wife prepared and ready for her man. Instead we are in the car, on our way to the matinee and I am still getting ready. I joked about it, but hated it, and fought to keep the (C) out of my mind.
After a wonderful romantic movie we went on to dinner. The place was wonderful, food terrific and I was feeling great! The clientele were uppity, but I felt like I belonged. It was then sitting there enjoying the entire experience, the food, the ambiance, the conversation, the admiring looks from my loving husband, his winks, that I realized how true this text is about me. I feel confident, if I think I look confident. I feel smart if I think I look smart. I feel sexy, if I think I look sexy.
It all boils down to what others must be thinking. I am way to consumed with what others are thinking. I am way to consumed with there perceptions of me. So much so, if I think they must seeing a sloppy, disheveled person, it knocks me down into vats of (C). Compounding the issue is my personality which makes it difficult to be the always put together person.
There are many problems with what I just wrote. I need to stop looking on the outside of me, and spend more time on the inside. I need to stop thinking about what people are thinking about the outside of me and concentrate on what Christ sees on the inside of me. I need to stop dwelling on the exterior (C) and spend more time cleaning up the interior (C).
I was walking into dance class, a few minutes late, rushing, when I realized I had forgotten to bring a hair band to put my hair up. I was such a mess. Long hair curly, wild and huge. All day I had felt quite cute and together. I had make up on, my hair was wild but curly and I had a shimmery scarf on. I took a group of Korean students to a Korean restaurant did some shopping and had an overall wonderful day. After a nice supper with my husband, I had practice at the church. That is where it all started. See at the church I had to change into dance clothes. (tight fitting body showing clothes) All of a sudden I feel less of everything. Confidence... down...freedom.... gone....outward, thinking of others focus...squelched. I put on my long sweater and scarf in an attempt to hide my every lump and bump and made it through practice. Then off to dance and after realizing I didn't have my hair band every insecurity I had came flooding in. I pictured myself as this not having it all together, awkward, over weight, lazy... and the list goes on. I could swear I saw in the eyes of my instructor, "wow she needs to get it together...what a walking disaster....etc"
For Chris and I Valentines day was today. He is flying out of town tomorrow and will be gone through Wed. I planned a date for us, finding a new and interesting restaurant and purchasing tickets for us to see The Vow. I planned all day what I was going to wear, how I would do my hair etc. Then with work items taking up a good portion of my day, errands to get done, before my make up was done, Chris was here to pick me up. So once again I was putting on make up in the car. (nothing new for me, I do it all the time) I am assuming (C) that Chris must be thinking, as we are driving to the movie. Not unlike all the (C) I was assuming my dancing instructor was thinking. I had such big plans. Plans, like him coming home and finding me dressed up, hair done and beautiful make up. A wife prepared and ready for her man. Instead we are in the car, on our way to the matinee and I am still getting ready. I joked about it, but hated it, and fought to keep the (C) out of my mind.
After a wonderful romantic movie we went on to dinner. The place was wonderful, food terrific and I was feeling great! The clientele were uppity, but I felt like I belonged. It was then sitting there enjoying the entire experience, the food, the ambiance, the conversation, the admiring looks from my loving husband, his winks, that I realized how true this text is about me. I feel confident, if I think I look confident. I feel smart if I think I look smart. I feel sexy, if I think I look sexy.
It all boils down to what others must be thinking. I am way to consumed with what others are thinking. I am way to consumed with there perceptions of me. So much so, if I think they must seeing a sloppy, disheveled person, it knocks me down into vats of (C). Compounding the issue is my personality which makes it difficult to be the always put together person.
There are many problems with what I just wrote. I need to stop looking on the outside of me, and spend more time on the inside. I need to stop thinking about what people are thinking about the outside of me and concentrate on what Christ sees on the inside of me. I need to stop dwelling on the exterior (C) and spend more time cleaning up the interior (C).
138-Dancing
So tonight was dance class and I once again tried to dance. At one point we were leaping across the room. We were asked to go two at a time so our instructor could watch and critique. I knew I had no idea how it was supposed to be but I decided to leap across the room in time. The instructor started laughing and said I had been just freely leaping across the room, and it was great...but completely wrong! I started to go to the familiar place of insecurities and shame, but very quickly put that (C) down and remembered that I want to be able to be goofy and I had done something. She wasn't trying to shame me, she wasn't being mean, she found delight and joy in my attempt. She then shared what I should have done and I tried again. This time I wasn't leaping as freely but it was a little more like what it was supposed to be. Even now, it is easy to want to slip back into the (C) but I am just trying to stay strong, even if I don't believe it, I keep telling myself that silly, leaping, free leaping is way better than nothing, or awkward self focused insecure clopping. It is a start.
There is something really wonderful about being willing to be goofy. I have a long way to go, perhaps I'm just at go.... maybe the ...ofy will come.
Along the same theme, the first part of our dress up outfits for the Princess Half came in the mail. They look great! I love mine and I am determined to have fun being goofy. Being silly for 13.1 miles. As I sit here writing I see them on the couch and I can see me and my girls dressed up together bejeweled and girly from head to toe.
Tonight, I am grateful for being just a little more free, pushing myself to find the goofy, and be willing to be silly and enjoy my girls. Tonight, I am so thankful for a Savior who is willing to walk very slowly with me, and who delights in me finding joy.
There is something really wonderful about being willing to be goofy. I have a long way to go, perhaps I'm just at go.... maybe the ...ofy will come.
Along the same theme, the first part of our dress up outfits for the Princess Half came in the mail. They look great! I love mine and I am determined to have fun being goofy. Being silly for 13.1 miles. As I sit here writing I see them on the couch and I can see me and my girls dressed up together bejeweled and girly from head to toe.
Tonight, I am grateful for being just a little more free, pushing myself to find the goofy, and be willing to be silly and enjoy my girls. Tonight, I am so thankful for a Savior who is willing to walk very slowly with me, and who delights in me finding joy.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
137-A day late....
I have to confess, I have no excuse for not posting yesterday. I just got home late and went to bed. It is always hard to blog after driving home, when I have been gone. I miss my man and I just don't want to take the time to blog when I can be with him.
Yesterday was crazy busy, lots going on at work and my grandfathers 92 birthday. My uncle was in town and invited me to a birthday lunch for grandfather. I was free and accepted. The lunch was at a wonderful restaurant and I enjoyed it very much. Over the years I have used my admiration of my grandparents and my love for them to cover up and mask the hurt I have felt. Instead of acknowledging the pain they have caused I have just kept my focus on all the wonderful things that they are. Yesterday, I realized that identifying the (C) they have thrown at me as (C), and acknowledging the pain, has not hindered my ability to still see them as the remarkable human beings they are. In fact quite the opposite. Yesterday, watching my once elegant grandfather looking so old and feeble I felt nothing but love for him. I know he loves me, and I will just keep taking showers to get rid of the (C) that is slung.
I guess for the first time I could admire him without using the admiration to cover up (C). For the first time my admiration was not a defensive mechanism but was just pure love. I am so thankful for this process. I am so thankful that I am free to love and accept my grandparents while at the same time protecting and caring for myself. I don't have to cherish the (C) to cherish them. To reject the (C) they throw is not rejecting them. This is a wonderful, amazingly freeing change and I am very grateful!
Yesterday was crazy busy, lots going on at work and my grandfathers 92 birthday. My uncle was in town and invited me to a birthday lunch for grandfather. I was free and accepted. The lunch was at a wonderful restaurant and I enjoyed it very much. Over the years I have used my admiration of my grandparents and my love for them to cover up and mask the hurt I have felt. Instead of acknowledging the pain they have caused I have just kept my focus on all the wonderful things that they are. Yesterday, I realized that identifying the (C) they have thrown at me as (C), and acknowledging the pain, has not hindered my ability to still see them as the remarkable human beings they are. In fact quite the opposite. Yesterday, watching my once elegant grandfather looking so old and feeble I felt nothing but love for him. I know he loves me, and I will just keep taking showers to get rid of the (C) that is slung.
I guess for the first time I could admire him without using the admiration to cover up (C). For the first time my admiration was not a defensive mechanism but was just pure love. I am so thankful for this process. I am so thankful that I am free to love and accept my grandparents while at the same time protecting and caring for myself. I don't have to cherish the (C) to cherish them. To reject the (C) they throw is not rejecting them. This is a wonderful, amazingly freeing change and I am very grateful!
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
136- Testing
So today I worked with Tanya Musgrave on a video we are getting ready to film for Pisgah. It is hopefully going to be an inspirational film about the students here at Pisgah. We were working on what it would ultimately say and how. Then we were trying to work on a location, lighting etc. So I was the one who had to sit in a chair in front of her lights, and talk into the camera. Now still pictures are a struggle for me, being on film last week with the recruiting team was hard, but sitting in front of a camera and just randomly talking and then looking at it over and over again.....Terrifying.
I noticed a few things. First, I have a hard time with eye contact, especially when I am nervous and uncomfortable. Second, I look like I'm afraid of the camera.... I am. I have a face that expresses extremes, dead to very much alive. Being uncomfortable makes for some very funny faces.
I don't like pretending, I don't like being silly, I don't know how to be. I don't know how to just be goofy and enjoy it. I know it is connected to being too bound up in (C). Tonight, I am reflecting on the day and hoping I get a change to do testing again, and I then plan to throw out (C) let my hair down and just be silly, make faces, laugh at myself, and stop the insecure tied up in (C) look.
Tanya, is the girl who took my pictures, and yesterday I told her that if I keep hanging around her I will have to get over my issues. She certainly has a way of pushing me. She is always a little goofy and just expects I will be the same. I love and appreciate her so much.
So tonight I am going to try to be a little more goofy! A little less sober! I am going to find some way this week to let go and be silly, just have fun on a childlike level!
I noticed a few things. First, I have a hard time with eye contact, especially when I am nervous and uncomfortable. Second, I look like I'm afraid of the camera.... I am. I have a face that expresses extremes, dead to very much alive. Being uncomfortable makes for some very funny faces.
I don't like pretending, I don't like being silly, I don't know how to be. I don't know how to just be goofy and enjoy it. I know it is connected to being too bound up in (C). Tonight, I am reflecting on the day and hoping I get a change to do testing again, and I then plan to throw out (C) let my hair down and just be silly, make faces, laugh at myself, and stop the insecure tied up in (C) look.
Tanya, is the girl who took my pictures, and yesterday I told her that if I keep hanging around her I will have to get over my issues. She certainly has a way of pushing me. She is always a little goofy and just expects I will be the same. I love and appreciate her so much.
So tonight I am going to try to be a little more goofy! A little less sober! I am going to find some way this week to let go and be silly, just have fun on a childlike level!
Sunday, February 5, 2012
135- Clear Skies Up Ahead
Today I struggled. I struggled when my husband was in a bit of a funk. He was down and not clear as to why. His mood affected mine. We later both came to the conclusion we were sad to be leaving each other. As I hugged him good bye late this afternoon I cried. I wasn't ready to leave, I wanted to still be there with him. It was just a blah day. Sabbath had been such a blessing, and such a rest, then today we were hit with leaving each other and the lists of things that need to be done. All the things we are behind on etc.
So while driving up here to Pisgah, my mind was thinking about the struggle. All the escapes I use when I am moody and alone. (A terrible combination for me) I thought about the vices I use and how I desperately want to completely let go of them. I'm sick and tired of not moving forward, of not facing the sadness and medicating with carbohydrates, or other escapes.
As I was driving I was praying about it. Praying, and begging God to help me have victory. Help me find a better way. I prayed, about wanting to use Him as my escape, use His word as my comfort. Just then I came around a bend in the road and saw this.....
For me it was amazing! It had been such a dreary drive, socked in clouds of gray. Everything was gray and then this! (Yes I took a picture while driving. I had to.) I am a very visual person and this said volumes to me. Seeing the end of the darkness and the blue skies ahead emphasized for me how God desperately wants His word, His love to be what brings that sunshine, and clear skies to our lives. If I choose to use the vices that I am accustom to I will remain in the dark. His way brings light.
Then the next bend just a few minutes later and this was His gift to me...
Not just a clearing but the SON too! I know this might seem cheesy to you. Perhaps it is to you, but it isn't to me. See, I know my Lord, created all of us with different ways of learning and he knows how to speak to each of us. He knew in that moment my heart was not just asking for a better way to cope, I was questioning if what I prayed for was really worth pursuing. After all carbohydrates have worked quite well....OK not really, but in the moment it seems to work. He knew that in this moment my heart was open to his voice and he knew this would help.
So I am tonight, spending time with God, reading His word, listening to His music, and drinking clear water. I am going to pictures these clouds, this sky that spoke to me and remember that His was and is always the way that brings sunshine in the end! His way doesn't send us into a darker place, but brings us into the light!
"This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all."1 John 1:5
I know my way is easy, I know my way is comfortable, and my way is dark. Tonight I KNOW His way brings light!
So while driving up here to Pisgah, my mind was thinking about the struggle. All the escapes I use when I am moody and alone. (A terrible combination for me) I thought about the vices I use and how I desperately want to completely let go of them. I'm sick and tired of not moving forward, of not facing the sadness and medicating with carbohydrates, or other escapes.
As I was driving I was praying about it. Praying, and begging God to help me have victory. Help me find a better way. I prayed, about wanting to use Him as my escape, use His word as my comfort. Just then I came around a bend in the road and saw this.....
Then the next bend just a few minutes later and this was His gift to me...
So I am tonight, spending time with God, reading His word, listening to His music, and drinking clear water. I am going to pictures these clouds, this sky that spoke to me and remember that His was and is always the way that brings sunshine in the end! His way doesn't send us into a darker place, but brings us into the light!
"This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all."1 John 1:5
I know my way is easy, I know my way is comfortable, and my way is dark. Tonight I KNOW His way brings light!
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Ahhhh- Rest
This has been such a full day! Full of rest, full of time with my husband, time with God. I was blessed watching Becca sing and speak up at God Encounters in Massachusetts. Blessed by Matthew Gamble's sermon, blessed by spending time with Chris.
By far the greatest blessing today was being reminded that our Savior has paid the price. Our sin, our struggles don't define us. Having accepted His gift, and believing, I am His and that is a remarkable thing. Being His gives me value, being redeemed means that my struggle with sin is not about fighting to be saved, but fighting to honor Him. I want to honor Him with my life, I want to honor Him by living as a child of the King!
Rest is such an important healing element of this process and today I not only had physical rest but spiritual, emotional rest, and I was reminded that real rest only comes because He paid the price!
I posted a song that speaks to my day. Enjoy!
By far the greatest blessing today was being reminded that our Savior has paid the price. Our sin, our struggles don't define us. Having accepted His gift, and believing, I am His and that is a remarkable thing. Being His gives me value, being redeemed means that my struggle with sin is not about fighting to be saved, but fighting to honor Him. I want to honor Him with my life, I want to honor Him by living as a child of the King!
Rest is such an important healing element of this process and today I not only had physical rest but spiritual, emotional rest, and I was reminded that real rest only comes because He paid the price!
I posted a song that speaks to my day. Enjoy!
Happy Sabbath
Carolyn sent me a link to this song yesterday. I thought it went along very nicely with my post last night. Enjoy and have a blessed Sabbath day!
Friday, February 3, 2012
133- Healing.... a gift.
This weekend Chris and I have decided to take the Sabbath hours and spend them at home with each other and Christ. This time of year our schedules become more and more hectic, we see less and less of each other, so this is time I am enjoying and looking forward to.
This evening I took out one of my favorite books, Ministry of Healing by Ellen White, and spend sometime reading. It is a book she wrote from cover to cover (not a compilation), and it has been a real blessing to me. Tonight, there were several things that were a blessing.
1. "He took our infirmities, and bare our sicknesses," that He might minister to every need of humanity. Matthew 8:17...... He came to give them health and peace and perfection of character.
He came so that I don't have to snuggle up to and hold onto (C). He came and not only wants to take it away but he also experienced it all, felt it all, and then paid for it all!
2. "When the sunlight of God's love illuminates the darkened chamber of the soul, restless weariness and dissatisfaction will cease, and satisfying joys will give vigor to the mind and health and energy to the body."
It is only experiencing God's love, saturating my soul with his love, that the (C) will really be gone! His love will heal, his love will bring joy! His love!
3. "God does not bid us overcome in our own strength. He asks us to come close to His side. Whatever difficulties we labor under, which weigh down soul and body, he waits to make us free."
He is going to be the one to set me free. It will not be my work, my daily blog, or my good works or bad works, it will only be Him. His strength, his gift that sets me free.
4. "Nothing tends more to promote health of body and of soul than does a spirit of gratitude and praise. It is a positive duty to resist melancholy, discontented thoughts and feelings-as much a duty as it is to pray."
Seriously?... It is as important to resist focusing on the doom and gloom as it is to pray! I am more than ever committed to making sure I am filled with a spirit of gratitude and praise! After all to have a spirit of gratitude and praise, is to have Christ in your heart. If He is the source of all that is good, then it is He who is praised It is He that fills our hearts when we praise. It is He who will set me free.
The thought has just occurred to me that just as Christ heals the physical, just as he can make the lame to walk, yet sometimes does not, He can heal me instantly or perhaps not at all. He can set me free tonight, or I may struggle with pain until he comes. My mental struggles are no different than physical struggles. I will trust that he knows what is best. I remember my grandfather, when dying of cancer, praying, "Lord, whatever will bring the most glory to you... let that be. If it is healing me, Lord heal me, if it is my death, let me die." I will never forget that prayer. Everyone else, conference presidents and pastors had been praying for him and anointing him with oil. They prayed, as I have heard many times, "Not my will but thine". What I heard different from my grandfather was this. He was telling God that what he wanted, his greatest desire was not to be healed, but to glorify the Lord with his life. Whatever would do that best was his desire.
I know there have been many times in my life, (even this past week) when I have wished I didn't have (C) in my life. Yet tonight I am reminded that what I want more than anything is for this life, my life to be a life that demonstrates the mighty power of God, that brings glory to His name. Not because of what I have done in my life, but because of what He has done.
So tonight I am looking forward to time with God. Time spent in prayer, outside observing him in the beauty he created! Tonight I am praising Him for his many blessings, thanking Him for doing the work, feeling the pain, taking care of my (C) so that I can be free! Tonight I am thankful for the Sabbath rest. Thankful for not just the rest from work, but the rest for my soul. The rest that is ours when we come to him! Tonight I am surrendering it all to Him with one request, "Lord take my life and let it be all for Thee."
This evening I took out one of my favorite books, Ministry of Healing by Ellen White, and spend sometime reading. It is a book she wrote from cover to cover (not a compilation), and it has been a real blessing to me. Tonight, there were several things that were a blessing.
1. "He took our infirmities, and bare our sicknesses," that He might minister to every need of humanity. Matthew 8:17...... He came to give them health and peace and perfection of character.
He came so that I don't have to snuggle up to and hold onto (C). He came and not only wants to take it away but he also experienced it all, felt it all, and then paid for it all!
2. "When the sunlight of God's love illuminates the darkened chamber of the soul, restless weariness and dissatisfaction will cease, and satisfying joys will give vigor to the mind and health and energy to the body."
It is only experiencing God's love, saturating my soul with his love, that the (C) will really be gone! His love will heal, his love will bring joy! His love!
3. "God does not bid us overcome in our own strength. He asks us to come close to His side. Whatever difficulties we labor under, which weigh down soul and body, he waits to make us free."
He is going to be the one to set me free. It will not be my work, my daily blog, or my good works or bad works, it will only be Him. His strength, his gift that sets me free.
4. "Nothing tends more to promote health of body and of soul than does a spirit of gratitude and praise. It is a positive duty to resist melancholy, discontented thoughts and feelings-as much a duty as it is to pray."
Seriously?... It is as important to resist focusing on the doom and gloom as it is to pray! I am more than ever committed to making sure I am filled with a spirit of gratitude and praise! After all to have a spirit of gratitude and praise, is to have Christ in your heart. If He is the source of all that is good, then it is He who is praised It is He that fills our hearts when we praise. It is He who will set me free.
The thought has just occurred to me that just as Christ heals the physical, just as he can make the lame to walk, yet sometimes does not, He can heal me instantly or perhaps not at all. He can set me free tonight, or I may struggle with pain until he comes. My mental struggles are no different than physical struggles. I will trust that he knows what is best. I remember my grandfather, when dying of cancer, praying, "Lord, whatever will bring the most glory to you... let that be. If it is healing me, Lord heal me, if it is my death, let me die." I will never forget that prayer. Everyone else, conference presidents and pastors had been praying for him and anointing him with oil. They prayed, as I have heard many times, "Not my will but thine". What I heard different from my grandfather was this. He was telling God that what he wanted, his greatest desire was not to be healed, but to glorify the Lord with his life. Whatever would do that best was his desire.
I know there have been many times in my life, (even this past week) when I have wished I didn't have (C) in my life. Yet tonight I am reminded that what I want more than anything is for this life, my life to be a life that demonstrates the mighty power of God, that brings glory to His name. Not because of what I have done in my life, but because of what He has done.
So tonight I am looking forward to time with God. Time spent in prayer, outside observing him in the beauty he created! Tonight I am praising Him for his many blessings, thanking Him for doing the work, feeling the pain, taking care of my (C) so that I can be free! Tonight I am thankful for the Sabbath rest. Thankful for not just the rest from work, but the rest for my soul. The rest that is ours when we come to him! Tonight I am surrendering it all to Him with one request, "Lord take my life and let it be all for Thee."
Dancing Again
I have not made it to Ballet class for more than a month and considered not returning. My schedule is so complicated, and it was just one more thing to have on the schedule. That is the simple answer. That reason is valid but far from the only reason. Perhaps more impactful is the fact that going to class is very difficult for me. It is not the physically tiring, but mentally it is exhausting. I have such a hard time computing and keeping straight what she is asking of us. The terms, I don't know, there is a lot of counting and numbers involved, arms doing one thing legs another. It works my brain harder than a day at the office, or anything else I have ever done. I would rather study for a difficult exam than go to dance class. I am sure it has something to do with what side of the brain you use or something, but it is crazy hard for me. I am not good at doing something that is that hard. I have been ready to quit, but today I went, paid, and was so thankful I did.
I need to keep going. I need to get to the place where I feel like I am dancing. I want to exercise the connections needed in my brain to maneuver this body across the floor. I also love the stretching, the exercise, the attention to posture and grace. I am far from graceful but hopefully it will come. Today, I almost changed my mind several times, but I finally just got in the car and headed that direction. I am so thankful I did. If for no other reason than it is good for me to do what is difficult.
Tonight at one point I caught a glimpse of myself trying to leap across the dance floor. It wasn't pretty! However, I didn't have the bad reaction I expected to have. Instead of cringing at the awkward figure clomping across the dance floor, I was proud of myself for being there. I was thankful that I was trying, instead of snuggling down in bed. In a way, I was seeing myself the way I hope others will see me. The real me. The moving forward, willing to work hard, and strong enough to do something I'm really bad at, me. That lady, may not be graceful or beautiful while dancing, but her moxie is admirable and I like her!
I need to keep going. I need to get to the place where I feel like I am dancing. I want to exercise the connections needed in my brain to maneuver this body across the floor. I also love the stretching, the exercise, the attention to posture and grace. I am far from graceful but hopefully it will come. Today, I almost changed my mind several times, but I finally just got in the car and headed that direction. I am so thankful I did. If for no other reason than it is good for me to do what is difficult.
Tonight at one point I caught a glimpse of myself trying to leap across the dance floor. It wasn't pretty! However, I didn't have the bad reaction I expected to have. Instead of cringing at the awkward figure clomping across the dance floor, I was proud of myself for being there. I was thankful that I was trying, instead of snuggling down in bed. In a way, I was seeing myself the way I hope others will see me. The real me. The moving forward, willing to work hard, and strong enough to do something I'm really bad at, me. That lady, may not be graceful or beautiful while dancing, but her moxie is admirable and I like her!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
131- Trying to be patient.
Yesterday a couple things happened which made me realize I am far from clean of the (C) my grandparents have piled on me and thrown at me over the years. The pain is hard to wash off.
Then today, after arriving home, I watched "Say yes to the Dress Atlanta" that I had recorded last week. One of the episodes featured a heavy girl with a family who were down right cruel. They at one point called her a linebacker, in one of her dresses, and laughed. She stayed strong, but the pain on her face was so obvious. Then as she walked away from them she cried, cried hard.
As terrible as it sounds, it was good to see. While watching her pain, and watching the stupid family members hurt her, I realized I have still been making excuses for my grandparents. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I have agreed with them some and not been willing to really see it as just painful and wrong. Seeing that woman's family, I didn't in any way agree with them, they were hateful! It highlighted how I have been unable or unwilling to call what my grandparents have done to me wrong! What I am trying to say, is if I am really honest about it to many times I agree with them. Example, when Grandfather asked me how was it that Chris puts up with me, how does he stay faithful to me when I'm over weight and don't keep a clean house.... we were in public, I was so hurt I wanted to burst into tears (similar to the girl on the show) but I quickly and privately agreed with him and asked myself the same question.
Today when I saw the pain on this lovely woman's face, I saw her hurting, yet agreeing. I recognized that pain in myself and knew to heal, to forgive, to take the shower and wash off all the crap, I have to first acknowledge that it is completely wrong! Sadly even though I say it, know it is... I'm not sure I feel it! Not sure I'm there yet. So I am trying to be patient and somehow find the courage to call it what it is, so that I can take the next step to washing off lots of (C) that I have been hanging on to for way too long!!!!!
Then today, after arriving home, I watched "Say yes to the Dress Atlanta" that I had recorded last week. One of the episodes featured a heavy girl with a family who were down right cruel. They at one point called her a linebacker, in one of her dresses, and laughed. She stayed strong, but the pain on her face was so obvious. Then as she walked away from them she cried, cried hard.
As terrible as it sounds, it was good to see. While watching her pain, and watching the stupid family members hurt her, I realized I have still been making excuses for my grandparents. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I have agreed with them some and not been willing to really see it as just painful and wrong. Seeing that woman's family, I didn't in any way agree with them, they were hateful! It highlighted how I have been unable or unwilling to call what my grandparents have done to me wrong! What I am trying to say, is if I am really honest about it to many times I agree with them. Example, when Grandfather asked me how was it that Chris puts up with me, how does he stay faithful to me when I'm over weight and don't keep a clean house.... we were in public, I was so hurt I wanted to burst into tears (similar to the girl on the show) but I quickly and privately agreed with him and asked myself the same question.
Today when I saw the pain on this lovely woman's face, I saw her hurting, yet agreeing. I recognized that pain in myself and knew to heal, to forgive, to take the shower and wash off all the crap, I have to first acknowledge that it is completely wrong! Sadly even though I say it, know it is... I'm not sure I feel it! Not sure I'm there yet. So I am trying to be patient and somehow find the courage to call it what it is, so that I can take the next step to washing off lots of (C) that I have been hanging on to for way too long!!!!!
130- Claiming
Today I had a conversation with a student who is very alone in this world. He comes from a highly disfunctional family and this past week, his father, someone he was still trying to hang onto as a parent figure, told him he wants nothing to do with him because he believes his son stole from him. This poor boy came into my office and asked the question, "so what am I supposed to do now?" At a loss for what to say, I claimed the promise in Psalms that says God is the father to the fatherless.
My day continued on with challenges, but each time I face (C) being slung or discovered (C) I was holding onto, I claimed a promise. "I am with you," "You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you," "You are mine," "....I will run and not grow weary," No matter the issue there was some promise. So many times we ask questions, failing to remember that there are answers, promises, waiting for us in His word.
An additional benefit of today was the quiet joy that comes from having a focus on Christ. A focus on what He is saying, instead of the noise of this world. "Come unto me all ye who labor....," Oh how blessed is His word!
My day continued on with challenges, but each time I face (C) being slung or discovered (C) I was holding onto, I claimed a promise. "I am with you," "You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you," "You are mine," "....I will run and not grow weary," No matter the issue there was some promise. So many times we ask questions, failing to remember that there are answers, promises, waiting for us in His word.
An additional benefit of today was the quiet joy that comes from having a focus on Christ. A focus on what He is saying, instead of the noise of this world. "Come unto me all ye who labor....," Oh how blessed is His word!
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