310- What do I want?

Along with work and many other things that needed to get done today, I needed to find some glasses.  Eyeglasses that is.  I recently had an eye exam and I MUST start wearing glasses on a daily basis.  The office I go to has a very limited selection of frames so I had decided to go to other stores and find something I really liked.  So what do I want?

I went to several stores today and found nothing.  I had an idea of what I wanted, but let's just say, the eyeglass designers don't agree.  I couldn't find anything out there.  With every eyeglass frame I put on, every time I looked in the mirror, I questioned myself.  Questioned what I like, what I want, my face.... it was bad. I thought I wanted something that sparkled. I like sparkles. Yet too many crystals, or rhinestones looked like too much.... or did it.  Then the color... I thought it would be simple... Silvery...something that sparkled...if I want silver then I had to look in the old man section.  Lady's frames came in gold, copper, brown, black and every other color of the rainbow but silver....NOPE!  I was in such disbelief that I went and asked if a certain frame I found that I liked in copper could be ordered in silver.  NOPE!  "Silver is not in.", I was told.  

Guess that makes me out....nope old... with out style....ergggggg!!!!!!  I know better than to let the answer to one little question send me into the spiral of shame.... I know better but I didn't feel better!  I convinced myself it was the store.  Not good enough, not expensive enough.  So I drove clear across town to the nicest, richest section of Charlotte, and started this process all over again.  NOPE again... nothing!  Not even the 400 dollar frames came in silver.  They came in rose, copper, brown, gold, black and Tiffany blue but no silver.  At one point looking in the mirror as I had my favorite pair of copper colored glasses on, in this very expensive store, in the most expensive mall in Charlotte, where all the hoity toity people go to shop, I noticed something... yep sure enough... chin and mustache hairs that I had missed in the plucking process!  I felt so small. So out of place. So unworthy to be there... I put the glasses down and left.  I went to a bathroom found the tweezers in my purse... the bathroom was so busy and I could not pluck in front of all these upity ladies coming in and out..... so.... I went into the stall covered the toilet... sat down and proceeded to pluck those shame causing little hairs.  Yep that is how bad it was. 

Then after leaving the bathroom... the aroma of pretzels was intoxicating.  I wanted one!  I NEEDED one!!!! It was like a drug. I knew at that point how incredibly sad this whole process was.  I walked right passed the pretzel stand and stumbled upon another glasses store, with even bigger name brands.  I walked in and couldn't find anything to try on. 

I left the mall, went to my car and started driving home.  What a waste of time this day had been.  As I drove I was thinking about all the (C) I was just caressing and tried to get to the bottom of it all.  Why is it so hard to know what I want and to then be OK with wanting it?  Why am I so easily persuaded to think otherwise? Why is it so easy to go to this sink hole of (C)? Why? 

As I approached a stop light I was consumed with thoughts of despair, it was pitiful!  While sitting at the light a lady caught my attention.  She was going up the hill on a very narrow side walk in this very wealthy part of town in a wheel chair.  Both of her legs were amputated.  She was struggling to get herself up the hill.  I was struck by the fact that we were both struggling and my struggle all of a sudden seemed so ridiculous.  Or was it.  As I watched, I thought I should pull over ask her where she needs to go and take her where ever that is.  But I was in the center lane of a very busy intersection and it would be quite the feat to figure out how to get back to her.  Then I saw her talking to a lady who was on her cell phone. The lady on the phone, while talking, walked over to the woman and started pushing her up the hill.  Perhaps I should have still worked on finding a way around traffic to get back to her to help, but in that moment it seemed like it wasn't my struggle.  It was not my opportunity to help.  Today the person who got the joy of helping was the cell phone lady.  Today struggling to get up a hill in a wheel chair was not my struggle.  For some reason my struggle was figuring out what I want. 

The entire drive home I prayed and talked with God.  Trying to figure out if it is a worth while struggle or not. Was that lady there to teach me a lesson to just be thankful for what I have and buy a pair of old man silver frames and be done with it!  Or was that lady there to say, we all have struggles, don't stop, one step at a time or one hill at a time you can do this.  Or was that lady there because she needed to get some where?

I realize picking out eyeglass frames is not much of a struggle in comparison to huge struggles that each of us face each and every day.  As ridiculous as it may sound, and as many times as I try to not write this.... because I can literally see the look on some of your faces as you read it... I can hear how shallow it sounds.... Today this was my struggle and I needed to struggle with it.  I needed to learn something, understand myself better, and that is OK!  So what did I learn about what I want or about who I am?  I'm not sure yet..... I'll let you know when I figure it out.  Until then my screen is blurry!

309- Intimacy, Home, Saying Goodby

So the day started the best a day can start.... in bed with my best friend and lover. I cherish every moment with him and love waking up with him.  So many days we are either not together or he is waking up earlier and kissing me goodby as he walks about the door for work before I am even conscious.  I love the morning when we are both waking up together without a huge pressing schedule. This morning was a beautiful way to start the day.  When Chris and I were dating we decided to not sleep together before getting married... not just sex... we decided that even sleeping together was an intimate act that we wanted to save, to only once we had made vows to each other.  This morning as I laid in bed next to Chris, it was such a beautiful intimate moment.

What contributed to the wonderful morning was the fact that I was home and all three of my kids were home.  That is a very rare occurrence and it made the day a very special one.  I have stayed in a lot of homes much nicer than mine, certainly hotels that are spectacular, but there is nothing as nice as just being in my bed, with my husband, and having my children just a couple rooms away. 

When I got up this morning to make coffee Sarah was already packing and getting ready to leave.  It made me so sad.  I wanted more time.  More time with her,  more time just soaking up this wonderful at home feeling.  Today I really felt like I was running out of time. Running out of time to have fun with just our family!  Running out of time to reconnect or connect.  Running out of time to listen to them bicker, running out of time.

As we said goodby today it hurt. I miss her already and wish we had more time.... not just his weekend but in life.

So what does all of this have to do with this blog.... letting go of the crap.  Well I have for much of my life minimized all that is good, prepared for the worse, and frankly expected it all to fall apart at any moment.  I can't tell you how many times beautiful days like today were plagued with terrifying feelings that it will all fall apart at any moment.  I have at times obsessed about the fact that my husband was having an affair (when I know he is not, when he has done nothing but love and honor me since the day we met).  I have obsessed about terrible accidents happening and taking the lives of my children.  I have obsessed about any number of terrible things.  Frankly, these good days have rarely been enjoyed for fear of what might happen.

That is ridiculous!  If it happens then I will ask God for the strength to get through, but preparing for it takes away the joy, the calm the peace of this beautiful time when all is good.  This beautiful time when I have intimacy with a prince of a man, when I have a home, when I have three amazing kids whom I love and who love me.  These moments need to be relished and enjoyed.  The other stuff... the (C) that keeps me from enjoying.... I'm putting it down, letting it go and just relishing in the blessings of this day!

308- Brene' Brown... A huge gift!

This morning the plans for the day changed.  Instead of going to church I was staying home with my girls.  Anna was not feeling good, and one role as a mother that never changes is caring for your kids when they are sick.  I would still love for my mom to magically show up every time I'm sick.  It never gets old.  So I decided I would stay home and pamper her.  Sarah decided to join us and my morning went from the hectic rush of getting out the door to church by 8:41 to a relaxing, PJ morning with my two lovely girls.

They took the opportunity to send most of the time sleeping which gave me some time to spend with God.  It was so refreshing, so revitalizing.  Then after time with God, I read my book.  It is perhaps my favorite book of all time (outside of the bible).  It just really hits home, and frankly speaks to this blogging process so perfectly.  I have mentioned it before, "The gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown.  It has been weeks since I had the opportunity to read it so this morning was the perfect time.  I HIGHLY recommend you read it! It has put the academic language to this process and my journey.

As you all know I have had a terrible time keeping up with writing this past month. As soon as I get caught up I get behind again. I have once again been questioning the validity of this process.  Doubting myself,  and then today... today after reading several chapters in Brene' Browns book, I was affirmed, energized to keep going.  Over and over as I read, I found principles in her book that mirrored what I have been learning while blogging. 

Living MtC today included: listening to uplifting music, cooking for my kids, hugging my girl, spending time with God, taking a nap, reading a book full of encouragement, saying hello to Becca with facetime, being reminded to not let my thoughts get out of control, laughing with my husband, reading an "I missed you text" from Lucy, eating Pavlova with fresh berries, having moments of joy, moments of happiness, and knowing I have hope, watching my kids help their dad do the dishes, a clean kitchen, the fawn in our back yard, and new mascara I love!  

307- Ahhhhh Friday

Tonight was a special night.  It is friday!!!! I love Friday!  It was extra special today because my three children were home.  We had a wonderful healthy dinner, candles, fresh flowers, Sabbath music and all of us together.  It was perfect! 

Earlier in the evening Chris arrived home and promptly started picking up things around the living room and putting them away.  I suggested he come and sit down next to me and say hello.  He was on a mission to pick up.  Now the living room was not perfect, but far from it's worst. I had spent all day working on things for work.  Getting the grocery shopping done, the kitchen clean and planning the menu for the weekend.  Picking up around the living room had just not happened.  (with the previous two sentences, I am sure you can figure out what my (C) was about).  For some reason I found my self annoyed that Chris was working!  I hated it.  Not that he was helping... see I don't see it as help.  I see it as demonstrating that I have not done enough.  That I didn't do enough.  That I should have been working harder, found the time to get the living room clean!  (C)?  Perhaps.  OK yes, it is.  If in deed that is what he is wanting to say then he needs to say it.  Otherwise, I should just look at it as what he says it is.... help! 

I tried several different ways to get him to stop, to no avail.  He did say he didn't mean to make things difficult for me.  I told him at that point, I realized it was my own (C).  He apologized for contributing to that...

I thanked him for the help and this evening after our wonderful dinner our family sat in the living room.... the clean living room while Andrew played his guitar and sang with his sister Anna. It was wonderful! 

306- Thursday- Splatter

Today I spent sometime taking Anna on a drive to go and retrieve a chair she had seen on Craigslist.  It was her first purchase for "her place".  She doesn't have a place yet or a job but is hoping that will come soon. She has started dreaming, and planning for her first place.  We have worked on what her style is, what she likes and dislikes etc.  It has been a fun process and today she found a pink chair she loved.  We drove quite a ways in the falling apart Subaru to purchase this chair.  It gave us about 2 hours total of time to talk in the car.  It was wonderful.  Anna is quite the young woman.  She is funny and open.  We had a great time... that is until the car started acting up.  We still made it home eventually but it was certainly touch and go. 

At some point she was sharing with me some of the (C) she is dealing with in her life. It was such a gift that she was willing to share...on the other hand it was heart breaking.  I wanted to fix it! I wanted to do everything I could to fix it and yet I know it is not my place or even good for her if I do.  Not that different from my shopping experience with Sarah,  once again I feel like I wish I could do so much more and yet now my role is to encourage, love and pray...pray...pray!!!!

As a parent I have been struggling this week with (C) dealing with regret.  Regret for what I wish I had done.  Wishing I had started this process of letting go of the (C) long before even having kids. Perhaps the worst of it today was hearing and seeing the (C) that Anna is dealing with and guess what.... It is the same as mine!  Coincidence?  I don't think so.  I know most likely she inherited it from me.  Some of it was (C) I shared with her, or taught her and that breaks my heart!

At this point she has not been willing or able to see how much of it has come from me, and so apologizing too much just makes it about me.  This was not about me it was about her, so I loved her, showed empathy and then we started working on a plan to help her put the (C) down.  Someday she will see how much came from me, and I will apologize for sure! I really believe the best I can do for her, is listen, and live my life an example of letting go of (C).  Parenting is difficult at every stage.  It is also incredibly rewarding at every stage.  This stage of watching them become adults is perhaps one of the most rewarding, and yet today I found it difficult.  Today I hurt and was angry about the (C) I have passed on.  We often think, the (C) in our life is just ours to deal with and yet perhaps the stinkiest thing about (C) is how it permiates and affects those around us.  If I am covered in it, my children are going to start thinking the smell, the filth of it all is normal!  Those around me will be affected, friends, family, church, work.  Today sadly I saw some of that second hand (C) and it made me sad. 

At the same time, at one point she mentioned my blog and this process and acknowledged she has seen a difference and wants the same. There is hope.  Hope that perhaps just as (C) affects those around me perhaps this process will also help those around me. 

Crap is a stinky mess.  Life is so much better learning to live MtC!

305- Wednesday, Working Hard

Today has been all about getting things done.  Working hard on work, taking care of my kids, and working on getting things done that have been left for way too long.

It is 1:30 and I have a 7:45 appointment so I must get some sleep.  I will just say this.  I would really like to get to the crux of the issue when it comes to me getting things done on time.  Today had a lot to do with getting caught up.  Checking things off.  Making appointments.  Trying to get things done.  So much of what I have been working so hard on today would not be an issue if I had gotten them done earlier.

Why do I put things off.  Why? Why? Why?  Here is a great example.  The other day I was headed into the kitchen when I saw some dishes left on the coffee table and the table next to the couch.  I knew I should go over and pick those up before going into the kitchen.... did I?  NOPE!  Why not.  Later I saw them and was mad at myself for once again having to pick up those ridiculous dishes. 

That is just one tiny example.  I am much more caught up tonight, but it is so late, I'm exhausted and I have so much more to do. 

I will just say this tonight, I want to figure it out!  Living MtC requires not just gripping about how we are, but actively figuring out why and then coming up with solutions to change!  That is where I am headed!!!!

304- Tuesday, Parenting Adjustments

Today was spent shopping with two of my children.  Sarah needed several things and Andrew needed a couple.  Sarah and Andrew have had a long history of spending most of their time together bickering.  Picking at each other.  Lets just say  put the two of them in a room and you are almost guaranteed to have an explosion of irritation.  I wasn't sure it was a good idea to have them both go, but gas isn't cheep so it made more sense to go together.

Surprisingly they were quite civil toward each other and that part of the trip was delightful!  Andrew showed amazing restraint and was very kind and sweet toward Sarah and she responded beautifully.

It was fun being with both kids but I will be honest it was a struggle.   Sarah had in her mind exactly what she wanted and at times I didn't agree with her choices.  I have a hard time dressing myself, but am quite talented in helping others find clothes that are flattering and good for not only their personalities but also their bodies.  I tried a couple times to say things but realized very quickly that it wasn't going to work.  She didn't want or need my opinion and I tried to be OK with it.  I could not figure out a way to say what I was thinking in a way that would be well received so I stopped saying anything.

I am fully aware that as a 20 year old young woman she doesn't need to have my permission or my direction.  I didn't think I needed to be heard, but it made me sad. I spent the entire afternoon trying to figure out when to speak and when to be silent.

Perhaps the most difficult part of this experience was just trying to figure out if there was any (C), my (C), getting in the way.  I have so little time with Sarah, she is gone a lot and I cherish, truly cherish time with her and yet today I found myself just getting frustrated. What was the big deal.  Who cares if she wears things that are not my favorite, it isn't that big a deal!  I can say and know it isn't that big a deal but today was just hard.

I can't say I came up with many answers except to say, I know there are always adjustments to make.  I now have three adults instead of three children and I need to learn to think that way.  Frankly even if I am great at helping people with finding clothes doesn't mean she needs it or wants it and I need to be alright.

Tonight I am thanking God for three healthy adult children who love the Lord, and each other.  Tonight to live MtC, I have to remember all that I am thankful for and not get caught up in silly little things! Tonight I am thankful for Sarah! 

303- 23 on 23

Yesterday, (Monday) was Chris and my anniversary.  This post is late because I spent every possible moment with him! The day was filled by spending time together and with our children.  Andrew was working, but the girls wanted to go shopping, so that is what we did.  Then the evening was spent having wonderful homemade pizza and then Chris and I just spending time together. It was such a wonderful day.

Chris and I have now been married for 23 three years on the 23rd of July!  I can not begin to tell you the blessings that our marriage have brought. From the moment we started dating Chris has been surprising me with his character and the way he has honored me.  With all the piles of (C) that have been a part of my life for so long, having someone cherish me, adore me, think I am sexy and beautiful at my worst, and always supportive has at times seemed crazy to me.  How can he?  Why has he?  Without question I have not honored him as I should, by accepting his love and adoration without minimizing it, arguing with him, telling him he is crazy. 

I realize I have blogged about this before, but on our anniversary it seemed fitting to once again do my best to try to let go.  Today as we were shopping we were constantly looking for things to help out in getting our room organized. It was not going well.  We have so little to spend and so much that is needed.  We thought we had it figured out and then after coming home and taking lots of measurements it became very discouraging.  I was frankly stressing about it.  Not exactly they way you hope to spend your anniversary.  After dinner Chris tried a couple times to get me distracted and happy again.  At first it didn't work.  I was not unhappy... I don't think.... I was just trying to find a solution.  As I have written before, I am desperate to figure out a way to get our room organized, decorated and clean.  It seemed like it was not going to happen. 

Finally, in our room, he turned the TV on to a show that is one of these reality shows that has complicated relationships.  (I can really enjoy watching the relationship interactions)  At one point I realized I was watching it instead of stressing about our organizational solutions.  It was the first moment that it dawned on me that his show was not on.  I turned to him and asked why he had changed the channel and he said, "Because I was hoping it would make you happy." He then began to talk with me about what was stressing me out.  Why I was so consumed with our challenge and the (C) that has contributed to it.  Chris doesn't just care about my mood, and what is happening on the surface, he is always wanting to know my heart better! As I laid next to him in bed, and talked, I saw in his eyes love and admiration at a time when I felt unlovable and far from admirable.


That is just a tiny little moment that has happened over and over, and on much larger scale for the last 23 years.  He is always doing whatever he can to help, whatever he can to bring joy into my life, and has always wanted to KNOW me!  This anniversary I am just very thankful for a man who really loves me!  I am hoping soon to also KNOW the me he sees. 

I know Christ who also loves me, wants me to understand the value he has given me. Below is a quote I so much appreciate! I hope to glorify His name by living a sparkly life that is free from self deprecation, free from (C).  Tonight I am so thankful for a husband who has been such a beautiful earthly example of Christs love for me and I plan to live KNOWING how valued I am because of the price he has paid to save me. 

"The Lord is disappointed when His people place a low estimate upon themselves. He desires His chosen heritage to value themselves according to the price He has placed upon them. God wanted them, else He would not have sent His Son on such an expensive errand to redeem them. He has a use for them, and He is well pleased when they make the very highest demands upon Him, that they may glorify His name. They may expect large things if they have faith in His promises". - {DA 668.1}

302- A full House

What a remarkable day it has been.  Today, Chris and I woke up together, with an otherwise empty house and tonight all three of my children are sleeping here!  What a wonderful blessing to have all my kids home!

Last Sabbath while sitting on a picnic table with Beth and her friend, Beth said something about how I can make things beautiful.  I right away tried to make gesture that flew it off... and she called me out, saying that I always minimize it or discount it.  Her friend asked me why.  I know that I am creative and enjoy making things look appealing and beautiful, but I have often felt like that is all people see.  I want them to know a deeper side, perhaps what I deem as a more valuable side of me. I have been thinking it ever since Sabbath.  Wondering why now that I am educated working in a job where the, "making things beautiful" part is not the most important part of my job, frankly many people that I work with don't even know that is part of me.  So why do I still minimize it.  Recently I have even been perhaps running from it, or ignoring that part of me.  It is still part of me.  It is even a valuable part of me. 

So I am trying to let go of how I am perceived and just be free to be me and let perceptions take care of themselves.  After all, I can't really control what others think.  I can just do my best to be who God wants me to be.  That's it!

Today, Chris and I had invited the Kendalls to come over for dinner so that we could celebrate Liesl's  birthday.  Liesl turned 8 this week and is a girly girl who loves pink.  So I decided to let go and have fun with trying to have a special dinner for her!  It was so much fun.  I felt as if I was back.... as if I was whole!  Yes I am a person who loves to speak, to work, to talk with people, to inspire people.  A person who loves to study, grow, and write; but I am also someone who loves to make things beautiful!

Today, living MtC included letting go and living whole, embracing every part of me! Here is what happened....

 At our house we encourage dancing on the table.... After dinner!

It was a fun dinner party and I really enjoyed being creative and showing my love for Liesl.

301- Celebrating our Anniversary!

What a day it has been.  Chris and I celebrated our 23 wedding anniversary a couple days early.  Monday is our anniversary and we will be celebrating with all three of our children.  So today was our private celebration! 

We started the day with a motorcycle ride to the top of Morrow Mountain, where we ate a delicious breakfast we had packed.

We enjoyed croissant egg, stripple and cheese sandwiches, hot coffee and fresh fruit (strawberries, blueberries, and cherries).  It was delicious beautiful and fun.  We went to Morrow mountain because I love views and morning sky and all we had was fog, but as you can see it was beautiful!

We enjoyed the ride there and back, the setting, the food, but most importantly we just enjoyed talking and flirting with each other.  I was enjoying taking pictures with my phone.  I took pictures of the setting the bike, my man and then we tried taking some of us together. 

It was fun until.... Chris took my phone and wanted to take pictures of me.  At first I wanted to object.  After all we had crawled out of bed at 7am dressed, made breakfast and got on the motorcycle.  No shower, no makeup, no taming the wild hair.  On top of that I was wearing  a very comfortable shirt, but not the most flattering.  I didn't want my picture taken.  Instead of objecting, I asked myself why.  Forget all the above reasons.  Who cares, after all I loved taking pictures of my man, who had also rolled out of bed.  So why not let him do the same? 

I came to the conclusion that if I saw pictures of myself that were not flattering, or just down right bad, it is shaming.  For too long m value, my worth has been wrapped up in how I look.  I can't tell you how many times I have been sick to my stomach after seeing pictures of myself.  Ever since I was a very little girl, so I wanted to avoid that.  However, I want to be free of all that (C)!  Just like I want to be free to be silly, I want to be free to relish in the rolled out of bed with my lover and went on a motorcycle ride look, instead of letting (C) get in the way of this amazing morning.  So I didn't object and he took pictures!  Yep... they are not the most flattering pictures! But I can say...I can honestly say they are some of my favorite!!!!! They are some of my favorite because they are the.... just rolled out of bed with my lover and went on a motorcycle ride look!!!!!!!!!!!

 Today living MtC meant being free enough to have these beautiful pictures taken! Today living MtC was all about spending time with my lover and best friend, celebrating the gift of our marriage with wild abandonment!

300!!!!!!!!! and it's Friday!!!!!!

300  and it's Friday!  Where has the time gone!  So today was about two very important moments! Very important steps in this process of living MtC! 

Most importantly... I'm going to bed, (or writing) in a clean bedroom.  Now that may not sound like much to you, but I can't begin to tell you how bad it has been and for how long!  It isn't perfect, but I am committed to continuing this process of  organizing, cleaning and then decorating my room.  It has been unfinished, and ugly, the dump room, the room where all things get put before people come over.  It has been a source of shame!  It has been a part of me that I want to hide. 

Becca and I had a conversation about our rooms this summer and I decided I needed to get on it and change this part of my life.   I really believe it is a reflection of me and I must get it done.  In light of what happened yesterday and my quest for figuring out what I want, I decided I want a clean room I am not ashamed of.  It may not be finished, but neither is any other room in my house.  I don't have to finish it, but I have to do enough to be proud of it!   I want to put time and energy into getting it where I want it to be.  So that is what I did all day!  Tonight, the floor is picked up, clothes are either waiting to be washed or hung up, the furniture has been dusted, the cob webs are out of the corners, and the ceiling fan has been dusted.  I still have lots of organizing and decorating to do, but I am on my way to getting rid of lots of shame!!!!

You can't live MtCRAP, with lots of crap around the house!!!!!!!!!! There is no way, no way to live MtC while sitting in it, or sleeping in it.  So I'm determined to take some time to get rid of  the (C) in my home! 

This evening Chris and I went to dinner at our local Mexican restaurant.  I looked at the menu and as always started the process of trying to fit what I wanted into their menu.  I finally asked myself the question.... "Beth what do you want to eat?"  After answering that question, when the waitress came I told her what I wanted, exactly what I wanted.  It wasn't on their menu, but I told her anyway.  When it came it was amazing!  Perfect!!! Exactly what I wanted!!!!  It is fun knowing and then asking for what I wanted! 

Living MtC today included two things... First getting rid of lots of (C) in my house.  I don't want to be surrounded by (C) when I am doing my best to rid my heart of (C).  Second, making sure I am figuring out what I want, and when appropriate, asking for it!!!!

299- Thursday... What do I like?

This morning started slow, I was enjoying laying in bed and not getting up until I wanted to.  Anna came running into my room and informed me that Carolyn was inviting us to White Lake for the weekend.  Seeing Anna's face so full of childlike joy was amazing!  She wa so excited and ready to jump in the car that moment.  I knew Chris had been working on a plan for us to celebrate our Anniversary this weekend, so I wasn't sure he would want to go.  Seeing Anna's face made me want to go just for her!  I also could imagine Carolyn asking.  She is an amazing problem solver and she is great at convincing you to do do things.  She has a way of fixing all that would keep you away from what ever it is she would like you to do.  With out even talking to her I could hear her wanting us there, wow I wanted to go, for Carolyn.  Then, I saw a picture of Liesl on the pier at White lake and I thought about my amazing God children and how much fun it would be to show up at White lake to spend time with them.... boy now I really wanted to go.  Then I thought of Chris and knew that since we have been apart so much, since he already had plans for us, since on our actual anniversary all three kids will be home, that he would want to stay home and have our time together.  Wow I wanted to spend the weekend with Chris!  It hit me. What I was wanting was to please everyone!  What did I want?  Frankly I didn't know.  Of course I wanted to be with Chris, but I also really wanted to be with my God children and our friends, but if I took everyone else's feelings out of the picture what did I want?

I realized I couldn't do it.  I couldn't figure out what I would want.  I wanted to please Anna, Chris, Carolyn and my God children.  I wanted to please, so much so I truly had no idea what I wanted to do. 

Chris called a few minutes later and told me things were blowing up at work and there was no way he could leave early and he really wanted to spend the weekend with me.  Of course that is what we decided to do, but it still didn't answer the question. 

I don't want to be narcissistic but it wouldn't hurt to know what I want.  When Chris arrived home tonight I told him I was struggling with the realization that I don't even know what I want and that I was going to start trying to figure it out, not just about the weekend but about a lot of things.

Living MtC includes being willing to figure out what I want, what I like and then I can make the decision about whether to choose what I want or to do what others want.  This is not about only doing for me, but about figuring out what I like.  

298-Wednesday- struggling with disappointment

I have hated disappointment.  Disappointment I avoid at all cost, by preparing myself for the worst.  With others I just do everything possible to keep those around me from being disappointed.  This morning Chris had to take Andrews car into the office to have them check it out.  Soon after Chris called and asked to speak with Andrew.  They were discussing the car situation.  It wasn't good.  The outcome was making the decision to let it go instead of trying to fix it and start looking for something else.  Andrew was very nice and mature about the whole thing but I could tell he was so disappointed.  Andrew loves his car, when we first found it, he just kept talking about how much he loved it.  He couldn't drive it right off because we had to work on getting it paid off, and in the mean time it would have to be Chris's car.  He was so thrilled to drive it every change he got.  Then everything started to wrong.  He was caught in a hail storm and that ended up making it a salvaged title. Then it rolled down a hill.... (long story) and ended up with lots of body damage,...now engine problems.  Disappointment after disappointment. 

Watching his face, knowing his disappointment made me physically ill.  I hate hate hate it.  I tried telling myself it was a character building opportunity, but it didn't help.  I just wanted to go out and buy him the nicest car possible.  I know we can't, there is no money for that but oh how I wanted too!

I have no idea why disappointment is so difficult for me, but it is.  I had a hard day, on top of it all, Andrew and Becca left just an hour or so after the disappointment.  I hated to see them go.  It has been so nice having them home.  I made it through thinking about how much joy it would bring Beth to have them in her home.  So I said good by and spent the rest of the day doing nothing but spending some time with my girl Anna. 

I know one thing I must learn to do if  I am going to live MtC is to face negative feelings.  Disappointment, hurt and I'm sure others.  I have spent way to much time running, hiding, or covering up negative feelings and that is just a breeding ground for (C).  So today, I just let myself feel sad for my boy, I let myself miss the kids, I let myself be sad.  I didn't wallow in it I just let myself feel it, even when it was uncomfortable. I survived it and didn't turn to food to numb it.  That was huge!!!!  Today living MtC was all about being brave enough to feel.  

297- Tuesday.... Living MtC

Today was all about doing several things that are always beneficial in living MtC. 

First, I was home.  Home has become incredibly special and meaningful to me.  There is something powerful and healing about spending time in my home, with my man, with my son, with my daughter, and with my son's lady!  I wish so much Sarah could have been here too, but I am so grateful for what I do have!  I slept in, ate breakfast in my pj's, just chilled, relaxed and enjoyed time with my kids.

I spent time with God!  Spent time reading and praying.  There is nothing better for living MtC than to have time in the word and in prayer. 

Third and finally I cooked for my family.  It wasn't fancy but it was healthy and it was homemade with love.  I enjoyed planning for it, cooking it and enjoying the process.  Healthy cooking is perhaps one of my favorite things to do for my kids.  It just brings me such joy. 

Today was a wonderful day and living MtC was easy, with a day filled with home, God, and food :)

296- Monday.... A day of Rest!

Monday,  a day of nothing!!!! OK not nothing, I did do a couple things but for the most part I just relaxed, took a nap, rested!!!!!!!!!!

In the evening, Becca, Anna, Andrew and myself went to Monroe to meet Chris for dinner at a mexican restaurant.  We had a nice dinner and then headed out the door to an amazing sky.  It was a stormy sky that was very 3 dimensional, every shade of gray, mixed in with white, it was frankly beautiful!!!!  I loved it!

We then headed to go bowling.  It was so much fun.  We all laughed and just had fun as Becca beat us all both games!  It was just light and fun.

I can't begin to express how healing it was!!!!  Living MtC must include laughing and playing games! Being silly and just letting go!  We were created to laugh! 

293- No internet for an entire weekend.

Friday.... I love Fridays.  Fridays are the start of the Sabbath, my day of rest. Fridays are the beginning of the weekend, the end of a week, almost to the beginning of something new! This Friday marks the beginning of the last weekend of recruiting.  It means that going home is almost here.  I am so excited about that i can't begin to put it in words.  This has been an amazing summer, but I am so ready to be home for more than a couple days with my man!

So this Friday we traveled to our new location Nosoca Pines Ranch. It is hard to describe how tired we all were, and with a new location comes the need to make sure we were "ON".  Not easy when every fiber of your being wants to do nothing more than sleep. It was a long day of traveling through rain and wind adding to the exhaustion.  The moment we arrived on the campus we needed to be working hard. Unpacking, helping out, getting reading for the weekend, it wasn't easy.  The bright spot for sure was seeing my boy.  I love my job, I love working with the students but there is nothing better than seeing my kids.  Getting a hug from Andrew was a huge highlight. He is quite the handsome young man, I am so proud of who he has become and seeing him brought feelings of contentment. Chris was also coming to camp later that evening to watch the pageant.  He would only be there for a few minutes but the thought of seeing him kept me going. Anna would be coming with him which meant in one day I would see all but Sarah.  The thought made me miss her so much.  What I wouldn't give for a day or two with my husband and all three kids.  So with thoughts of my family and yearning for some peaceful time with them I had to get back to work.  I kept telling myself just one more step, one more moment, but it was harder than it had been in a long time.

Chris and Anna did come, it was wonderful seeing them, but it was so sad to see them go just a couple hours later.  I spent the night in a room with the girls on the floor.  Now I'm not a diva, I have always been willing to rough it, but I so desperately needed rest and the floor just didn't seem inviting.  I went to sleep saying over and over again, I  am just a couple days away from being home.

In the midst of all this exhaustion, God was still there ministering to me.  Becca was in charge of what we were doing and did a great job keeping the students going.  The pageant was powerful and being reminded of how much our Savior has done and does for us was so uplifting.   With exhaustion it becomes more and more difficult to  let go of (C).  Yet, at least I know it is more about being tired, and watching the pageant reminded me that no matter what I am going through, my Savior went through it all so that he could take me home! As I climbed in bed I kept thinking about home,  home in Charlotte, and home in Heaven!  Home I can't wait!  Home is made possible because of Christ and for that I am so thankful!!!

295- Home Sweet Home

Sunday was a long day.  Long because all I could think about was getting home!  I had lots to do and it started at 6am when alarms started going off.  We had to be at staff worship at 7am, then work until the end of the day. The plan was to pull out of camp and be headed for Charlotte, by 6:30ish.

The day was full, and very good. I talked with several parents and tried to give them hope, about what God can do if we take steps of faith.  So many families want their children at the Adventist school but don't think there is any hope because they can't afford it.  I know God will and can find a way, we just have to believe and step out in faith.

Our group was supposed to have the worship for the new group of campers Sunday evening.  We decided I would give a worship talk and the students would do music.  I had no idea what to talk about and was so busy during the day I had a hard time coming up with anything.  While driving to lunch I was thinking about it, praying about it.  While getting cleaned up and packed up I was praying about it and thinking about it... but still nothing.

We get to supper, and still I have no idea.  I wanted to come up with something that tied into their week.  Something that was not about Pisgah, but something that would minister to them.  I wanted it to enhance the program.... the camp experience....Nothing...

Finally while I was sitting and eating I said one of those, I give up, I surrender prayers.  It was then it became clear.   I would talk to the Extreme Teen campers about the Extreme God we serve.  How he didn't just save us, but he has done so much more!

I am not going to say it was the best, or most powerful, but I can without question say this....I know it was God given and knowing He was there using me was exciting!

Yesterday, I may have felt alone, wanting to belong.... today I felt used by God, included in His plan.  Talk about belonging!  That is pretty amazing!!!!!

After worship we packed up and were headed home.  On the drive home I kept being distracted by beautiful sky.  I love sky and always feel close to God while admiring his amazing ever changing paintings!  It was so remarkable.  I was embraced by God!

Every new sky brought me that much closer to home!  As I walked to the front door, there stood Chris with an amazing grin on his face.  He eyes said so much and all of it was how happy he was to see me.  I had just been feeling so close to God that when I saw him standing there with that look of pure joy at the sight of me, I couldn't help but think of the look on the face of Jesus when we approach the gates of heaven.  That will be home sweet home!!!!!!! 

294- Sabbath... Struggling

Sabbath I struggled so much.  Mostly with aloneness.  I had wonderful moments with people I love, I was able to spend time talking with the Andersons. I was able to see former students, always a blessing!  Yet in the midst of it, I was felt so alone.  It is one of those times when I know I'm not... but I feel it anyway.  I was surrounded by people who love me but that didn't stop me from falling into a terrible pit of aloneness.

Sabbath afternoon it was time for church, and I went in and sat by myself at the end of a row.  Becca was with Andrew, and my kids were with each other, and then there was me.  I sat there uncomfortable, not sure I made the right choice in my dress, hating my hair, not comfortable in the chair and just wishing I was not there alone.  Then a friend of Beth's came and sat down at the other end of the row, and asked if I was saving seats.  Just the question, emphasized how I was feeling.  Nope I'm not saving seats.... I'm alone.  (I know how ridiculous this all sounds, but (C) isn't exactly logical, or good!)  Beth's friend is a beautiful woman, strong, confident, and she looked great!  I found myself comparing myself to her.... NEVER a good idea!  I liked her dress and her purse, and her hair..... I'm sure you know what I am talking about.  Those moments when everything you are insecure about in yourself, you find perfect in others.....  ERG!!!!! She then asked if I could save the seats for Rick and Beth.  I was excited by that!  I would not be so alone! Rick and Beth came and Beth was wearing a dress almost identical to her friend.  Beth always looks amazing and today was no exception.  Both woman looked great and I had a hard time not just rolling around in my own piles of (C).  About that time Becca and Andrew led out in the praise music, with a few others.  It was amazing.  Hearing Becca sing is always a beautiful experience!  Then the speaker, who was dull at best.  It was bad!  At some point Beth and her friend got up and left together.  I can not begin to tell you how much I appreciate Beth and I also know how special her relationship with her friend is! As they walked out my first thought was how happy I was for Beth.  So happy that she was able to spend time with her friend.  I know how important that time is for her!  Then (C).  I frankly wished there was someone there for me to walk out with!  I didn't want to be included.... I was happy for them to have their time.... I just wanted to walk out with someone and not be so alone!!!!

As I sat there I tried to understand where it was all coming from,  why.... I knew with out a doubt I was thrilled for both ladies! So why the funk.  Why was it so hard. I knew being tired didn't help.  However I know without question, aloneness is a huge issue for me.  It has been since I was a little girl, and it still is. As I sat there by myself, I kept thinking about how ironic it is that I came up with this idea for recruiting that takes me away from my best friend and husband.  I have struggled with aloneness alot, and have written about it before.  I knew it was (C) but I had a very difficult time letting it go.

Later as I left for supper, Beth and her friend were sitting out on a picnic table.  Beth invited me to come over and talk.  I had a great time getting to know her friend, and so much enjoyed the content of the conversation!  It was a wonderful time.  Yet still sitting there watching them interact,  I felt alone.  At one point I remember realizing I have never had a friend that was like me.   Most of my friends have been very different from me.  I've never had anyone who dressed like me, or looked like me, or even acted like me.  I was always different.  Watching Beth and her friend made me wish I had someone similar to myself, someone who because of our similarities would affirm me, affirm who I am.

As I contemplated that thought I realized at the root of the issue was the need to be OK with myself.  I was feeling incredibly awkward in my own skin. Several times, after the three of us had gone inside to the evening program, I said things, or started to say things and never finished.  Then I started saying things to myself like.... "well don't you sound like an insecure... messed up....crazy!"  It was ridiculous!

I wish I could write that I finally was able to let go of the (C).  I was able to clearly define the (C) and then I was comfortable in who I am.  I can't say that.... not even close.  It was a terrible difficult day.  I struggled like I have not struggled in a while.

Even on Sunday, when talking with Chris about it I was about to break down in tears.  It has been rough.  My only conclusion has been this....

As a little girl growing up in Ethiopia, I seemed to always find myself in a situation where I was coming into an established friendship between two girls.  I was the new girl and there were only two others, who were fast friends.  I also can honestly say I have never had a friend that I shared clothes with, I have never had a friend who looked like me.  I never had one of those friends where we were two peas in a pod.  Perhaps that is why I talk with my students so much about the importance of being unique, being proud to be who you are, being willing to be weird, after all we all are in some way!  Yet at camp on Sabbath I desperately wished I was not unique, but like.  I wished I knew what it was like to be just like someone.

Now enough of the pity party.  I know... I KNOW!!!! that I am a uniquely created child of God!!!!!! What I am really wanting is to belong!  Belonging is huge!  It is a God given need, but I really believe we are to find our belonging in HIS arms.  No question, it is nice to belong with friends, but ultimately I want to belong to HIM!!!!!  I want to know I am HIS!  I know the exhaustion, not being with my family, not spending time with Chris, and not having personal time with Christ is why Sabbath was such a struggle.  Ultimately, I went out into my day empty, searching for.... needing.... and when that happens nothing is enough.

If you read this please understand.....  Beth and her friend were and are amazing!  I love Beth, and admire and like her friend so much!  They never did anything to make me feel uncomfortable! In fact it was the opposite, in our conversations I felt not just included but part! They were absolutely wonderful!  My feelings were not because of them!!!!!  I love who they are and what they have!  Today was simply a result of being way to empty, and letting to much (C) in.... and the only fix is some Jesus time!

With all of the struggles I had today, I never once thought of it as being more than what it was, (C).  I had a much harder time letting it go, taking a shower, and being free, but I never doubted what it was....(C).  It was old hurts, old wounds reopened.  It was all connected with lies (C) that say, I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, I don't belong.... all (C) (C) (C) (C)!!!!!!!!!!  I will take it as a good day!  I may have struggled but at least I can identify it as (C) instead of truth!

292- VBS done....

We have been in Marion NC since Sunday around 2pm.  We have been putting on a VBS for the little Marion SDA church.  We were here last year and when they had no children attending there church.  After last years VBS, 10 children have been attending on a regular basis.

This year the attendance grew every night until the last night there were 24 kids attending.  What a huge success it was.  The first night the kids were shy and quiet, and barely participated.  Tonight all 24 kids were dancing to the music, doing the motions and with such joy praising God.  It was a beautiful site to behold.  What a change in a week.  On Sunday, everyone was quiet and today they were all loud and participating, laughing. 

My group of students have been suffering with sickness this week.  One after the other, so we have had to fill in, adjust, and they have worked as much as possible.  It has been far from a perfect week but tonight we knew without a shadow of a doubt that we were meant to come to this place, we were meant to meet these people and we were greatly blessed!

So what does it all have to do with living MtC... well as I mentioned in a previous post this week I played a dance game with the Wii for the first time ever.  Tonight as I watched the little kids doing the motions and being filled with such joy I prayed that no one will crush their spirit.  I prayed that the freedom they felt to praise God in such a uninhibited way will continue their whole life.  Tonight as I watched them, I felt sad for me...me as a little girl... me as a teenage girl.... me the inhibited, to ashamed to be crazy, to bottled up to let go and be free.  So tonight as I watched them dance, I said to myself,  "I'm sorry you have felt that way, I'm sorry somehow your spirit was crushed.... I'm so sorry Beth.  If you want them to be free the start by being free too!!!  Show them, be the example, delight in them, get up and  really participate!"  I did!

I don't know how and why my spirit was crushed, I frankly don't think I need to know.... I am now saying to that girl, "you are free to jump dnace and praise the Lord, be free to be silly!  Be free to find your inner goofy and remember everyone is weird so just be you!"  The other night when I was dancing with the game, I kept saying, "be silly it is good for you! be goofy it is good for you!  Look like an idiot....everyone should at some point!"  It was a start. 

I'm done being the pent up sober minded girl!  Tonight watching the joy of those kids gave me just a little more courage to be me, a little more courage to stand up and praise the Lord.... just a little crazy!  Living MtC for me has to include being free to be down right silly, to look it , act it, to embrace it!

291- I am Free to Dance...

Here in Marion where we are staying they have a Wii.  The kids have been having fun playing golf, bowling, but the last couple nights they have been having a fun time playing the dance game.  If you are not familiar with it, basically on the screen is a list of popular songs to choose from and then you have to dance like the person on the screen.  Who ever does the best job wins.  They have been having such a fun time.  As most of you know this is my worst nightmare.... or shall I say was!

Last night Lexi (the girl of the house and a freshman we are trying to recruit) asked me to play.  Of course I said no.  Then she said, "I will go to Pisgah if you will play."  I still hesitated then all the students started saying it was my job, of course I had to play.  I hesitated and then decided that all the reasons I have not participated in such activities was (C) and I don't live that way anymore!  So I got up and played the game....OK the truth is I did my best to dance and play the game.  Everyone laughed and I made it through.  So I had done my duty....

Tonight they broke out the Wii again and started the dance game.  Everyone was having a  blast and laughing a lot.  Then again Lexi asked me to play.  I this time hesitated but not as long.  I got up and danced and had a great time.  I allowed myself to be silly to let go to be free.

Oh what a great day it was, to be able to be free enough to be dance... OK not really dance but be silly enough to play the game and laugh! Today living MtC meant being free enough to dance and dance I did!

290- Tuesday...Face to Face

I am in a spot where I don't have cell service at all.  It is difficult to even send a text message.  It makes it hard to communicate with my husband and I HATE that!!!!!  Yesterday I sent him a message on Facebook and we started talking through messages on Facebook.  It was terrible, slow and I yearned to hear his voice and just talk.  After about 10 minutes Chris asked if I had my web cam with me... I did.  In a matter of minutes we were talking with each other on Skype.  What a huge blessing!  I was not just hearing his voice but seeing his face!  We didn't talk long, but what a difference it made.

Again tonight, I sent an email asking if He could talk and in minutes we were Skyping and talking to each other.  I love it!!!  It was so much better than just talking on the phone.  I had been upset, wishing I could hear his voice....  the solution was not just hearing his voice but even better!

Being connected to my husband certainly helps living MtC.  Being with him, talking with him, connecting with him is always a wonderful way to wash away or to let go of the (C).  There is something powerful about being around someone who really loves you!!!!!! Today living MtC was made possible by some face time with my man!!!!

289- Monday- Trusting

The VBS program we are doing this week is all about trusting God in all situations.  It is amazing how impactful it is to over and over again say,  "No matter who you are, or what people do or where you are,.... TRUST GOD!"  As adults we should all be screaming Trust God on a daily basis.  Perhaps if we were more like these little kids, trying to see who can scream it the loudest, we would trust God! 

Today we were faced with a challenge.  We needed a DVD that was part of the VBS program.  It was the chatter dvd and we didn't have it.  I called all the bookstores in the area and no one carried it.  I looked on line and the best we could do was over night it and the cost would be 55 dollars and we would not have it for 3 of the 5 nights.  That was not good enough.  I was so hoping to find it.  Needing to find it.  I heard those kids yelling "Trust God!"  and I said a prayer.  I prayed for guidance.  Then I decided to call everywhere.  Every Christian bookstore within a days drive.  I called Waynesville, and they did not have it, but they said their Franklin store might.  I hesitated to call the Franklin store because that would be quite a drive, and I wasn't sure I had the time.  I felt it was important to turn over every stone.  So I called Franklin,  they had it!  I was so excited I asked them to hold it for me, but told them it might be late before I can get there because I was in Asheville, NC. The woman on the phone said," I am headed to the Waynesville store at lunch time.  I would be happy to bring it to Waynesville for you. Would that help?"  Wow what a wonderful blessing.  In a matter of minutes after deciding to "TRUST GOD!" I had the dvd payed for and on it's way. 

I really believe that living MtC must involve trusting God! So much of the (C), so much of the stress in my life is there because I am not willing to "TRUST  GOD!"  When I worry about the finances, or my home, my health, my family, I'm not trusting God! If I really trust Him!  REALLY TRUST HIM! I can't imagine still having a life full of (C)!  I don't believe the two can coexist. 

Trying to get Caught up...

I am trying to get caught up with my blog posts.  Thought I would get it done tonight.... had to talk with a girl who needed guy advise... So fun and entertaining.  Will do more tomorrow.

288- Sunday... On the Road Again.

Sunday was the start of our last week of the Recruiting summer tour.  We needed to be out the door around 9 am.  I had to feed 8 college kids before 8:30 breakfast and then get out the door.  I went to sleep last night planning the menu and woke up Chris with an idea.....

Chris bought a new back rest for his motorcycle and I had not had the time to take a ride with him to try it out.  I knew he would like me to try it out and I so did I.... So my idea was to take the bike to Walmart and pick up the food needed to make a breakfast for Andrew and all his friends.  We didn't need much but it would give us a ride and a few minutes together.  Chris agreed and we suited up and headed out the door.  It was a wonderful slightly cool morning and getting on the bike was so much fun.  As we came around one of the corners there in front of us was the most beautiful sunrise.   It was just a postcard moment!  Chris squeezed my leg and told me how much he loved me and liked having me with him.  I teared up.... I hate the leaving home days.  Being with him on the bike, in the morning, seeing the sunrise, just us, talking through the helmet intercom system was so special.  I felt loved by God, loved by Chris and assured that I would survive this day!

I really believe one of the most important elements to living MtC is to understand how loved by God I am. To not just know he loves me but to feel and experience His love for me.  This morning I experienced His love, in the sunrise, through Chris and it gave me the strength to fight off (C) throughout my day.

287- Sabbath a day to Reconnect

Sabbath was crazy busy, full to the brim with plenty going on.  In the midst of the craziness I was aware of two things.  One I miss being around Amy.  She is such a dear friend and we never seem to have time together but today we had lunch at our house with just a few people....(30 to be exact!)... and the best part of the meal was spending time with my friend.

Second, I love entertaining, or having people at my house.  I like feeding people and welcoming people and huge groups don't scare me at all!!!!  It was an amazing day.

After a VBS program in the evening I was home to spend some time with Chris and pack up to leave in the morning.  Chris and I headed to bed early, we were terribly tired and enjoyed being able to go to bed when needed.  We still had a house full of the kids from camp and went to bed knowing we were going to have to get up and and figure out a way to feed everyone.  I went to sleep planning for breakfast the next day.

Today I did struggle with wishing my house was more what I would like it to be.  Today, I had moments where (C) started to be creep in, but I recognized it and was able to put it down and keep my focus on serving those around me.

Today my boy was sick.  Very sick.  He was throwing up and miserable.  I will say this as much as I do enjoy being someone that can open her home to huge crowds of people I am so looking forward to some time with my man, and my kids where I can take care of them.  No one else just them.  I hated it today when my boy was sick and i had to leave him home and go to VBS.  I wanted more than anything to stay home.  I need some quiet time.  Some boring time.  Some time to just breath.

Living MtC today was difficult because of the business, the pressure of the tasks in front of me.  However, today was a day mostly MtC because I was able to label it and let it go.  I really found that today, when it started to creep in I must replaced it with the things I know I'm gifted at.  Most of the (C) today was cutting myself down, so I would just focus not on what I can't or don't do, but what I am and have been willing to do.

286- I need to apologize!

It is almost midnight and our home is filled with music! Andrew is home from camp and he brought a whole bunch of friends from camp, seven to be exact.  They are talented musicians so the evening was spent playing music and they are still going.  It is an amazing way to start the Sabbath. 

Well 41 weeks of blogging and counting.  I have to say I see progress!  Yesterday I was giggling, tonight I only spent a second or two thinking about my house, and have spent most of my time thinking about the guests in our home. 

I have been praising God for all that these students bring.  They are my sons friends and they are sitting in our living room praising God!  What more could a mother ask for.  Tonight at one point, Christian was playing the piano, Andrew was playing the bass and Becca was singing wonderful merciful Savior.  It was powerful and so soul healing! After that song they were piddling around on other songs, Becca was sitting on the couch listening, at one point she had her eyes closed and she wasn't smiling.  Andrew was watching her from across the room... then he very quietly set down his bass and went to the couch and sat  by her, snuggled down and smiled at her while using his fingers to turn up the corners of her mouth.  She laughed and then whispered something to him.  It was a small little simple moment but it was a moment filled with love.  He was watching her, loving her, and wanting to be close to her.  It was quite a moment.  Why?  Seeing your little boy love such an amazing quality girl who also loves him and loves the Lord!  Priceless.  My cup is full to over flowing!!!!

So why title this blog, "I need to apologize!"  Well, I have to confess, I spend much of my time in the summer guiding and directing the recruiting team and I find myself always being in the place of teacher instead of student.  Well today I learned something from a student about letting go of (C).  Today we were having worship as a team and I asked them to go around the circle and say something nice about each other.  It is a worship I like to have often because it can help out with team building and bringing the group closer together.  As we were going around the circle it came time for Luke.  He got half way around the table when he came to Shannon.  He said, "Shannon first I have to apologize....I was a jerk the other day when we were stranded by the road..."  It was so powerful, he sincerely apologized for his attitude and then complimented her. 

It hit me...one way to live MtC is to be willing to apologize.  To be humble enough to say, "I was wrong." It changed so much within our group.  After we were done complimenting each other I affirmed Luke for the apology and then proceeded to give everyone a chance to apologize and the entire group started chiming in.  It was powerful!!!!!

If I want to live MtC I have to be willing to say I'm sorry.  I have to be willing to acknowledge where I have gone wrong.  Thank you Luke for the lesson!!!!!!! 

I am going to bed with a full heart, I lesson learned and a hot husband :)  Nite all!!!! Happy Sabbath!

285 - Tickles and Giggles....

I know.... I'm behind.  I have several posts started and none finished this week.  Being home I have been spending time with my man, going to bed when he does, or working just way too late.  It has been quite a week. I will get caught up but today was so fun that I can't wait to post it. 

So today was one of my days off.  After some work, I was able to get lunch with Carolyn and it was such a joy.  Friendship is such an incredible thing!  After lunch we decided to go get some happy toes.

As we sat in the chair getting our feet grated, filed and buffed I was giggling.  I couldn't stop!  I giggled and giggled because I am so ticklish.  Every scrape, every buff, was tickling so much I wanted to come out of my skin!  Carolyn looked at me and said how in all the years we have been getting pedicures she never knew I was ticklish.  How?

Well I have spent my whole life trying not to admit that I was ticklish.  After all how many times do you see woman sitting in those chairs giggling with tickles.  Not often.  In fact I don't think I have ever seen someone just out right giggling.  Well guess what...... today I was FREE enough to giggle.  FREE enough to not worry about what everyone else was thinking of me... FREE enough to giggle with tickles, giggle and giggle!  Oh how amazing to be that free! 

I can't believe it has taken me this long to giggle through a pedicure, but today I was living MtC enough to freely giggle. 

280- There's no place like Home!

This post was posted a couple days late because I am home and have been spending every possible moment with my husband, my daughter, and my friends. 

So Sabbath morning we spent at the Boughmans, with delicious breakfast, a worship time, and then a fixed shuttle, lunch and then we started home.  It was a wonderful day of counting our blessings.  We spent a lot of time reflecting on the pass twenty four hours.  We remembered the prayers, the text that came to mind, the VBS chants, texts on our phones, the many ways we had seen and experienced God, and how thankful we were for it all.  We had come through a difficult time and yet we came through fine, thanks to many, but thanks mostly to God!!!!

We had some concern about the tires on the other side of the shuttle.  I kept thinking that I just hoped I would make it close enough to home, that if we did have another break down I could call Chris.  I needed to be able to call him.  I questioned why.  Ernie had taken such good care of us, I could not ask for more!  He left nothing undone!  Rick and Chris had helped from afar!  So why was I so hoping to be close enough to call Chris. 

I thought about that a lot.  I know the easy and pat answer is that I love him and that is part of it!  But I knew that wasn't the only reason.  I finally came to this conclusion....

There is something special, comfortable, known about my relationship with Chris.  I know him, love him, trust him, feel comfortable and love being comforted by him!  I have a history with him.  I know about his follow through.  I know because of our history, because of how he has loved me, because of how he has rescued me over and over, I know because I know his character.

So many times we criticize the idea of always or only going to God for things we need.  I agree we should not only go to him for needs, but we should only go to Him for our needs.  LOL!!!! OK let me explain.  We should go to him with praises, we should go to him with our joys, and we should give him our heart... but we should never want to go anywhere else for our needs, we should never want anyone else to rescue us!  I also know it should be that way because of our long standing relationship with Him!

The closer and closer to home we got the happier I was.  I could not wait to be in my bed, to be at home with my daughter, with my husband.  There really is no place like home!  Today, living MtC was possible because I kept thinking of how God had lead us, how he had rescued us and how that is exactly as it should be.