Day 70- Hello my name is....

If you remember I was impressed when observing a man at Cracker Barrel who introduced himself to the waitress.  Ever since I have wanted to do the same, but over and over I chicken out.  Unable to muster the strength to put myself out there and do the unexpected.  Well I forgot to write about doing just that on Black friday.  The girls and I were eating at Red Robin and I introduced myself to our waitress.  She had said the usual, "Hello my name is...." and then proceeded to ask us if she could bring us something to drink.  I right away said, "Hello my name is Beth"  She lit up! She was all of a sudden present.  It was amazing the difference.  She then started asking us questions about our black friday shopping experience.  It was such a difference. I started thinking about her as a person and not just the conduit to food.  She was an individual.  Part of it was she started acting like a person and not just a scripted machine that brought us the food.  It was remarkable.

I am must be honest, I still have not done it every time since. I think being out with just my girls made me feel more comfortable with being a little crazy.  I'm not sure why it is such a difficult thing for me to do.

Today I tried to spend all day thinking about positive things.  Tried to have positive conversations etc.  All in all it was a good day.  I can't say I succeeded 100% but it was a start and I am grateful tonight for a new focus. 

Tonight I am thankful for the reminder of the importance of putting myself out there and greeting those around me.
Tonight I am thankful for the power thinking on good things has to heal and renew the spirit. 
Tonight I am so thankful for friends.
Tonight I am so thankful for my kids and planning and working on Christmas has been a delight.
Tonight I am so thankful for this process of living free!

Day 69- If there is any good!!!!!

I am so excited to be writing tonight because I have something exciting to write about! I was having lunch with Rick and Beth when I realized something....As we were talking I shared several stories about people that were down right negative.  Perhaps true, but negative.  Two stories that were almost off topic completely, but they were of no value, just sharing negative (C) about others.  That is NOT ME!!!!

I remember when I was a young mom and I realized I was depressed when I kept thinking negative thoughts about others and when I couldn't muster the strength to give people compliments when I was thinking it!  Well today was another... Ahah moment (as Oprah would say)...  Today I realized that recently I have been negative about those around me.  First to Rick and Beth, I am sorry for sharing negativity today!  The lunch was so enjoyable and you were such an encouragement and I love being with you!!!! There was nothing  negative about the entire lunch yet I found negative things to say and I am sorry for that.  Both of you (Rick and Beth) were uplifting and positive and I am so appreciative that you we a contrast to my negativity highlighting what I know I want to be.  Even what I am.  Thank you for so much today!

Here is the deal.  I have always believed that we are called to focus on the positive.  "Whatsoever things are good...if there is any good, think on THESE things."  I know this journey and this process is incredibly important.  I know that I need to go through this process, but I also know the focus has been perhaps a little strong on the (C).  Yes I know I have to find it to correct it or get rid of it, but there needs to be more time spent on the truth, on Christ!  I need a rest from the (C) and focus on the possitive, in myself, and in others. 

So for starters I want to focus on the truth, and I want to find the positive in those around me.  I started my day running, had a wonderful breakfast with my husband, was welcomed back to school, with Beth excited to see me... it is amazing what a wonderful blessing that was in my day!  Reminds me how important it is to share our excitement about seeing each other more often.  Thanks Beth!  Had a wonderful  text from Maria! There is nothing better than knowing people who love you are praying for you! I was able to get a lot accomplished and then have had a wonderful ride with my husband to Raleigh.

Tonight I am reminded that I am worthy, because He has paid the price!
Tonight I am reminded that I am sexy, (bet you weren't expecting that..lol) because I have a husband who finds me that way!
Tonight I am reminded that I can choose to see the blessings and see the good truth in others. I can then share the good news.
Tonight I am reminded that when trying to weed out the (C) in my life I need to make sure and spend more time finding the good!

Day 68

Tonight I am looking forward to spending a couple days with my husband.  We are headed to the airport in a couple hours, to pick up some students and drive them to Pisgah.  Chris has continuing education classes tomorrow in Asheville, so I will work at Pisgah.  Then tomorrow afternoon he drives to Raleigh and I will go with him.  We will spend tomorrow night in Raleigh and then Wed. be back home.

I give you this schedule because it has been where my focus has been all day.  I am thrilled to spend time, even just in the car with my man.  This break has been hard on us both.  We are looking forward to some time together.  I have fought with some (C) wondering if I can do it with work both at home and at Pisgah.  There is one thing I know for sure and that is my man needs me! So I will be traveling with him!  Today I have been just so excited about going, it is all I have been able to think about.  He will be in meetings and I will be working on some writing I need to get done for work, but we will be together. 

Yesterday and today I have struggled with what to write about. Honestly what has been affecting me most has been the things my family has been going through.  Disappointment, hurt, sadness, helplessness, anger, and more.  All of those close to me have been dealing with things that have affected me.  I have felt all the following and questioned my ability as a mother and a wife.  When those around me are hurting, I want to be part of the solution for them getting better.  When there is arguing or tension, I want to help be a peace maker.  When I fall short or am unable to fix it I fell inadequate! That is (C).  I have not known how to write about my feelings without sharing their stuff.  What I do know is that the last several days have been packed and charged with heightened emotional feelings and I have mostly dealt with it with prayer and food.  To my credit perhaps at least prayer has been a part. I have found myself taking on too much of other peoples issues.  Somehow I need to figure out how to be there for them with out taking it on.  How to listen without taking it all on my shoulders too.  There is really no point in both of us carrying it!  However I do!  I tend to just strap it all on and carry the extra weight.  So tonight I am asking God to take the (C) I have taken on that is not mine! I am asking that he then give me the wisdom to know how to be the wife and mother I need to be. 

Day 66 Missed! ... Day 67

One day completely missed!  I have no good excuse... just tired.  Tired and not wanting to work on anything other than to be there for my family.  It would have been easy to post yesterday if I could write about their stuff, their hurts, disappointments, joys, but it is their, stuff not mine. As you can all imagine we have been having so much going on in our family.

Sabbath, the girls and I got up and went to church, Andrew arrived home around 7pm and Chris around 10pm.  We were finally all together for just a few hours.  All the kids headed out the door at 11am this morning.

As I eat the last piece of pumpkin pie, the Thanksgiving holiday has officially come to an end.  We have put of the Christmas tree and now we start looking forward to Christmas.  I feel lost at this moment.  I can't say this holiday has been any different than any other as far as the food is concerned.  I have not been running.  I have not done anything I should.  I have just survived.  It has been almost a depressing holiday. Perhaps more depressing in my inability or unwillingness to do the things I knew I should. In some ways it had less to do with the circumstances and more with my reaction or coping technique. I have most definitely used food to sooth and for so much more.

I did succeed in not retreating to my bed.  I went shopping with the girls when I would have rather just curled up in bed, watch girl movies and feel sorry for myself.  I did wash dishes and try to keep the kitchen clean.  I did cook comfort food for my kids.  I did go to church, when that was the last thing I wanted to do Sabbath morning.  So it wasn't a complete fail.

Frankly tonight I'm not sure if I am just full of self condemning (C) or if it is just facing the truth. I don't want to be writing because I don't have anything productive to write about.

Here it is...With all that this Thanksgiving break had to offer I know,  one thing for... I love my kids, and I love my husband with all I am.  I know this process is making things better, baby steps.  I want to be down on myself for not eating better, for not running, I frankly am very comfortable self loathing... but if nothing else tonight I am going to put down the (C) and acknowledge this is a process.  Tonight I am going to just praise God for the journey, praise God for my husband, and my children. Give Him praise in all things, and believe that all things work together for good the them that love God, and live accordingly...

Lord, give me the grace to keep going in this process.  Give me the willingness to start taking some really big steps toward freedom in You!  Lord, thank you for my family! Thank you for all the blessings you have so richly provided! Thank you.

Day 65- Only 300 to Go

65 days.  Friday night is here again. Starting this journey on Friday night always makes this time very reflective for me.  A nice unplanned bonus. 

Today I spent out in town with my girls, shopping like the rest of the country. We just bought a couple Christmas gifts...frankly almost nothing, but enjoyed the time together. 

So tonight it seems fitting to reflect on the holidays and my relationship with food. I will be completely honest and say I don't think my eating habits have been any different this year than others.  I so much enjoyed my mother in laws delicious thanksgiving meal that was quite healthy! We had kale, salad, roasted root vegetables, corn souffle casserole, Gardein Chicken , Greek stuffing, Chris's cranberry relish, and green beans. It was so colorful, healthy, yet comforting and all around perfect.  She had apple pie, pecan pie, and red velvet souffle with ice cream for dessert.  It was all wonderful and I enjoyed every bite.  I ate way to much pie, even having a piece before leaving the next morning. It was so good, homemade and just wonderful.

I can't say I have changed how I eat yet, but the last couple days I have at least been trying to be aware of why I am eating.  If I find it is for the need of comfort I have tried to stop myself and just pray.  It has not worked all the time.  I certainly ate pie, Thursday morning, just because I was feeling very uncomfortable about leaving, sad to be leaving without Chris, sad to be driving on Thanksgiving with just my girls, sad Andrew was headed by himself in the opposite direction, so I ate pie.  (I want you all to know I was so happy Chris went to be with his Grandmother and family! I was also very happy for Andrew to go and spend time with the Andersons! I was also happy to be going home with my girls and having some girl time! It was all good yet I hated we couldn't all be together on Thanksgiving.)  So I ate pie.  I enjoyed every bite and ate it in total awareness that I was eating it for comfort.  Then on the trip home, we were starving and nothing fast was open so we ate Dunkin Donuts at a gas station.  I got a beagle with cream cheese and then two donuts for the road, but only ate one.

Frankly it has been a real struggle.  I think the disruption in our plans, being separated from Chris, not having people to cook for, all of it has left me just wanting to use food.  Tonight was particularly bad, the girls wanted rice and raisins, (perhaps the most iconic comfort food for our family). I had one and a half bowls... It was wonderful!

I will say this, simply identifying and being aware when I am eating for comfort or because I'm lonely, does take away some of the pleasure of eating.  I realized Thanksgiving dinner was nothing but relishing in the love I felt from my in laws, it was eaten with pleasure and a full and thankful heart. It was eaten, knowing it was also nourishing me. It was perfect! It was as it should be. Since then it has been a much bigger struggle.  The contrast has been good to see.

I feel again like I am just rambling about my relationship with food.  As some put on facebook.... In a relationship and it is complicated!  That is a perfect way to describe me and food. 

There is no question, this has been a difficult Thanksgiving.  As much as I have enjoyed my girls, being away from Chris makes me very sad! I would add the kids in that too... however as much as I miss having them all in the house for Thanksgiving, If they need to be other places, I think I am alright with that! Chris and I are a family! Together, with or without the kids, we are a family! I will LOVE LOVE LOVE every-time we are all together kids and all, but as long as Chris and I are together... and our kids are safe...all is well!

I think tonight I am a little sad.  Friday night, holiday weekend.... scattered...So I ate way to much and food that just comforted me.  It is embarrassing writing this but true.  Perhaps just realizing it and not just eating and eating and eating, while telling myself a whole lot of (C) is something.

If I am brutally honest, I feel like I have failed.  I say I think it is better to acknowledge the reasons, but I have simply been unwilling over and over to trust those moments to God.  I have been unwilling to trust in His comfort.  It makes me sad, profoundly sad.  I can only imagine how it must be for him, when He knows His way will work so much better than rice and raisins.  His way will be real comfort.  Why can I know it and not do it?!?

Tonight, I am saying, I'm sorry to Him.  Sorry, I have yet to really trust Him. Tonight I am going to thank Him for his patience and love.

Day 64 Thanksgiving

This has perhaps been one of the weirdest Thanksgivings ever.  This morning Chris kissed me good-by very early as he left his mothers house to go to be with his grandmother Grissom.  I was very happy for him to go, but was sad to see him leave.  We had a wonderful breakfast and conversation with Prissy (Chris's mother) and then soon after breakfast Andrew left to go to Becca's home.  Then a hour or so later we (Anna, Sarah, and myself) loaded up the car and headed for home. 

The trip home was nice, we talked a lot, cried some, laughed and were board.  It was a very long 5:45 min. drive that seemed to never end.  Coming home with just the girls on Thanksgiving was strange.  Thanksgiving is all about family and not being all together was just down right weird.  We started talking about how we would spend the weekend, and started focusing on a girl focused fun weekend.  Our "Thanksgiving dinner" was a stop at a Dunkin Doughnuts in a gas station where we were stopping for a potty break.  (That sounds terrible, really we had an amazing dinner with my mother in law the night before. So we had already had Thanksgiving dinner). 

Having Chris and Andrew gone, and knowing that Chris is gone because of death just reminds me how important family is.  How important it is to count our blessings and praise God for all he does.  So tonight, that is all I want to do.  Praise God and give thanks...

I am so thankful for...
Chris, Anna, Sarah, Andrew, Mom, Dad, Prissy, Larry, Paul, Jon, Peter, Mary, Jolene, Alisha, Kurt, Gene, Suzanne, Luke, Elden, Jolin, Tad, Jonathan, Grandmother Grissom, Grandmother and Grandfather Steen, Gra, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Becca, Kevin, Friends, Jobs, Church, Praise,
I am so thankful for...
delicious food, a roof over our head, laughter, romance, a mind, challenges, victories, and the color red.
I am so thankful for...
children who every day make me proud! who are not perfect but who love the Lord, each other, and have a heart to serve others... for all the joy they bring. 
I am so thankful for...
a relationship with my creator that fulfills me, strengthens me, challenges me, comforts me, forgives me, sustains me.
I am so thankful for...
ballet, for all things that sparkle and red (yes I already said that, somethings bear repeating! :)).
I am thankful for...
Pisgah, University City SDA Church, Southern, and JJ Heller.
I am thankful for...
conversations that challenge me, sermons that impress me and people who make me laugh.
I am thankful for...
Chris, a man who will give up his Thanksgiving to honor his grandmother and be a comfort and support for her.  For Chris, who has loved me in my most unlovable moments, and who promised to always be my support.  For Chris who romances me, laughs with me, has passion for me, who will hug me and make everything better.  For Chris who has forgiven me so many times it makes me sad to think how much and still opens his heart everyday.  For Chris who I am missing terribly tonight. 

I am thankful for..... A thankful heart!
Happy Thanksgiving all!

Day 63- Thanksgiving early.

We are at Chris's mothers home where we have just finished a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner. It was healthy, beautiful, and absolutely delicious.  More special than the food has been spending time with Prissy and Larry.  How blessed I am to have in laws who I genuinely like and enjoy talking with.  What a blessing I am to be married to a man who was raised by such a godly woman. What a blessing to watch her interact with my children and know they are genetically and emotionally connected! I feel so blessed tonight. 

Today on our way here, Chris and I received a phone call from Grandma Grissom.  She was calling to let us know that her daughter (Chris's aunt Brenda) died this morning of a massive heart attack. We have not been close to Brenda, but dearly love his grandmother Grissom and are very sad to know that she has survived her husband and both of her children.  What a lonely place to be.  She now has just three grandchildren living and her great grandchildren. (Anna, Sarah and Andrew)  Chris is her oldest living descendant. I am also so sad for Brenda's two daughters loosing their mother the day before Thanksgiving.  It just made me sad.  The news has slightly changed our plans.  Chris is headed tomorrow morning to Macon, GA to be with his grandmother and I will head home with our kids.  We decided the whole family would be to much during this stressful time, and if just Chris goes he can stay as long as he needs. 

The news helped to put things in perspective.  I want to take time this Thanksgiving to thank the Lord for my family! I want to thank the Lord for health!  I want to thank the Lord for all of you!  I want to treasure every moment! I am determined to get healthy, both physical and emotional.  I want to spend my days praising God for his amazing blessings! I want to spend my days focusing on all he has done! I want to spend time each day with God. 

At first hearing the news just deeply saddened me.  It is still very sad, but I am so appreciative of the reminder to really spend this Thanksgiving to share my appreciation to those I love.  There is no better time to affirm one another.  There is no better time to praise God from who all blessings flow!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tonight I am praising God! Tonight I am affirming family and friends.  Tonight I am Thankful! So very Thankful!

Day 62 Still thinking....

I have not been able to stop thinking about my post and all things related the entire day.  I had the most wonderful time with Beth at breakfast! It was perfect!!! We enjoyed delicious whole, organic, and amazingly beautiful food, comforting and connecting conversation and laughter as a bonus! It was such a great blessing. I'm not sure I would have made it through this day without the blessing of her friendship.  It was the perfect way to start my day!

I was still very emotional. Just thinking about my post made me tear up every time, during and after breakfast.  Then after breakfast, I worked hard to get things done at work.  No matter how much I tried to just think about work, this issue with food kept consuming my thoughts, and prayers.  Then it was like being kicked while down, finding out I had made a mistake on the Christmas Cards going out to all parents today. There was so much around that situation that just kept tearing me down.  This time I was trying not to assume the worst, and to look at the truth without taking on unnecessary crap.  However, it just kept getting worse.  I am not going to go into detail, I don't want anyone to feel bad and I don't want to speak badly of others.  Lets just say from my vantage point, it felt like I kept getting kicked in the gut. It was very hard not to take on (C).

I left the office, and headed out to run the last of the errands, when I received a wonderful text from Maria.  Thanks, so much.  I couldn't text back because I was driving, and crying again. Her text gave me a sense of focus and reminded me this IS important.  It seems so silly, this is such a huge thing for me.  Tonight at dinner with the love of my life, I had a hard time telling Chris about how I was feeling without crying AGAIN. 

I told him, I feel very naked. This whole process of blogging has been quite intense and food has soothed me and comforted me.  The thoughts of giving up that comfort has been very emotional.  I have wanted to cry and scream at God and say, "Are you kidding me"  "Thanksgiving week... after everything I have been through, and everything I have been working on, now, THIS week I have to deal with food!"  It just seems like more than I can bear, and what timing!

All day I kept thinking about an email Carolyn sent in response to Friday nights post.  She said she liked the phrase, "safe place to free fall".  I know she was supposed to highlight the phrase so I would think of it today!  I just kept thinking if I can feel like free falling is safe with Chris how much more should I be willing to free fall with Christ! I know he will not only catch me but help me fly! I know it I believe it, the question is am I brave enough to jump!

Just writing this I have a lump in my throat.  I'm terrified.  Terrified of facing this head on. Terrified to let you all in on the really ugly. Terrified. I know as hard as starting dance class was, I know as hard as it was to twirl while my picture was taken, it is nothing compared to the piles and piles of (C) I have snuggled up with for so many years, associated with the issue of food.  I don't begin to understand how it is intertwined into my life but I know it is going to be painful! I also know it will be freeing and transforming when I put it down!

I am not going to begin to tell you how I think this process is going to go.  I have no idea.  So this terrifying jump.... I'm not even sure what it is.  I knew to dance I needed to start dancing...etc. But with this.  I don't know.  Today, I ate well and when I have been wanting to eat I have simply asked myself why. Why?  I had two meals today, the delicious breakfast with Beth and then dinner at Red Robin with Chris.  They were two perfect meals, food was delicious and the company was uplifting.  I also have refused to mask my feelings with carbs but have just cried and cried and cried.  Can I say the emotion has nothing to do with hormonal shifts.  It is not that time...:) (Sorry if that is TMI)  Tonight I have wanted to eat banana bread, but when I asked myself the question why it was because it would mask the hurt or fear or whatever it is I am feeling.  Had water instead. 

Tonight, though it brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat, I am going to be willing to think about jumping.  I am going to be willing to stand in line at the roller coaster and see if when I get to the gate I am still willing.  I realize, I have a long way to go.  Tonight I only have the courage to ask for God to give me the willingness and the strength to take this one step at a time.

Day 61

This is a post I don't want to make.  Having said that here I go....

When I started this whole process, the initial idea was surrounding diet and exercise.  I was tired of people telling me how I should eat and I  wanted to quit hearing them and listen to what I know is right.  I wanted to live a year the way I know I should without the slavery to others comments and opinions.  Well I am sure if you have been reading this at all you know I have said so little about the diet and exercise.  Truth be told, I have just not been able, willing, not sure what to really focus on that.  I think all this other (C) is also important and perhaps what needs to be worked on.  Maybe I needed to work on all the other (C) so that I can dig deep enough to face or get to the food and exercise issue... frankly not sure. 

I know yesterday, as I was driving in to Pisgah, I was starving.  I couldn't find anyone to eat with so decided to stop and eat at PF Changs.  I ate a dish there a week or so ago and I have been thinking about it ever since.  So I stopped and ate.  I literally inhaled that dish. (Garlic Noodles).   I mean  I ate it like a person who hasn't eaten in a month. It was sad.  I justified my choice saying it was quality...... but really.  There are so many things I could have gotten there that would have fit my belief about food and what I should be doing.  Yet I eat, or inhale a dish of noodles, oil, and spices.  (Wow I made that sound terrible).   As I was sitting there inhaling, I knew I was not eating for any of the right reasons.  This wasn't even for pleasure.  I was getting my drug.

I have never enjoyed salads.  It is not the taste, it is the fact that I feel nothing when eating a salad.  It is not a drug.  So much of what I eat is.  I know yesterday, I needed a drug to cover up.  Cover up the (C).  In some ways as I'm writing I'm wondering if the reason the food and exercise has been so hard to face is because I feel so raw and vulnerable, so outside my comfort zone, (dancing, twirling on a hill, just being completely open to so many about my personal daily thoughts) that I feel the need, even desperate need to have the comfort or the security blanket of food.  I don't know, but I have to figure it out or this year experiment is going to end with me weighing 100 extra pounds.  If I eat like I did yesterday at lunch every time I am eating alone I will be huge. 

This post is late because after working till 12, I couldn't find anything to write about....LOL....seriously.  I knew all day... I have known for days, that the real issue, the thing I need to deal with is this.  I just hate facing it.  I don't even know what I am facing.   I guess, I will make a list of what I think is getting in the way...


Fear (I will fail)
Letting go of my security blanket or drug terrifies me
Afraid of what I MIGHT have to give up if I start choosing food with a healthy mind.
I feel like I might loose a friend. (this statement is so true it brought tears to my eyes)
Comfort
Leaving experience and joy behind.  (if I eat salad, I miss out on the joy and delight I would gain from eating the pasta)

Wow I sound like a full blown addict.   I heard a man recently make the claim that there is no such thing as addiction, it is all a spiritual strong hold... that all addiction is sin.   I don't agree, however right now his comments are haunting me, how much of this is simple sin.  I guess you could say I'm not surrendering to Him if I am cripped with fear.  I didn't want to write this blog because I have no idea what to do with all this.  I don't know what is (C).  I don't know where to go, or if I can.  I know how I should eat, I am getting over worrying about what everyone else thinks.  I don't want to be eating for anyone else, but I don't know how to let go of the comfort that food is for me.  I don't think food should be just fuel. I don't think it should just be about nutrition, pleasure should be involved, but that is different than using it as a drug.  I need to figure out how to do that.  Do I just have to first get rid of the need for a drug?  Perhaps, I like the sound of that.  Keep working on getting rid of the (C) in my life and magically, I will stop needing the comfort and will start embracing salad?  I don't really believe that is the way to go.  I just am not sure!  PLEASE.... IF YOU THINK YOU know the perfect combination of food that will cure me, that will fix this.... I don't want to know right now.  I will welcome you prayers and love, but this I need to struggle with. 

I think I need to struggle with it because, I need to understand so much more than the food.  I am realizing as I am writing how much I need to discover and work out in myself, first. 

Well this is the most unorganized post ever.  It is like brainstorm writing.  I have no conclusion today, except that I am a mess, and perhaps there is so much (C) surrounding this issue that I can't even begin to uncover it all.  I am sure for some of you, reading this you know you have the answer, it is glaring, obvious and simple.  I am sure it is and perhaps I will discover it, but please please, just love me in this.  Don't try to fix me.  I have spent a life of everyone trying to fix this issue in me and it doesn't work.  It may be that I am hopelessly stubborn, but whatever it is I need your support in this discovery not your direction.  I need to work through this.  Perhaps that is one of the reasons it is so hard for me to blog about because I don't have it figured out.  I know if I have it figured out it is harder for you to tell me the magic cure. 

I can't tell you how many times random strangers have told me what I needed to be doing to stop being fat.  It started when I was 10 years old.  I was a healthy 110 pounds and 5'4" tall. (my current height) I had already gone through puberty, I was a very healthy weight for the womanly body I already had. A gorgeous woman who was traveling through  Ethiopia told me, "You need to make sure you start right now being careful of what you eat or it will get out of control.  You don't want to get fat."  I heard, " you better start eating better, because you ARE getting fat."  I was already having a hard time adjusting to the woman's body I had all of a sudden been given.  I had grown a huge amount in height in one year and I had breasts.  I was so much taller than all my little 10 year old friends who were Philippine and still had ten year old bodies.  I know she didn't mean what I heard, but it was traumatic enough that I still remember what I was wearing, where we were, and what she looked like. 

Once after speaking at a women's retreat I received a letter in the mail from a former Pisgah classmate.  It contained some magic potion for loosing weight.  She wrote a long letter about how much happier I would be etc.  I was 45 pounds less than I am now.  Not skinning but a healthy weight. 

Grandparents, on a regular basis tell me what I need to do.  And many others.

I can't write this without crying..... (CCCCCCCC!!!!!)  ERG!!!! Why is this so emotional an issue for me.  What a week to think about this issue :).... Well I guess I will stop rambling on, wipe my tears and go start my day.  I will simply pray about it.  I'm going to breakfast with Beth! Excited about seeing her, it has been too long.

It just dawned on me, when writing about breakfast with Beth, if I am with friends I am not using it as a drug!  Yesterday I was all alone and my food became my companion. I am not saying I eat healthy with friends, but the relationship to the food is different when I'm with friends. (No conclusion just a little insight.)

So today, I am looking forward to breakfast with Beth.  Will pray that God will give me an extra portion of comfort, strength and insight today.

Yes this post was late, less about the late night and more about working up the courage to just let it all hang out... so to speak. 

60- The Happiest Moment

Sixty days is so hard to believe.  It doesn't seem like it has been that long.  That is a really long time!!!!! I'm most excited about the fact that I seem to be seeing some benefit from living without the (C).  Today frankly was just a delightful day filled with lots of blessings.  I was able to start the day cooking for Anna and her friend.  Chris and I in the kitchen cooking roll-ups is just sheer joy. He always makes the hash browns and I make the roll ups. We work well together, enjoy flirting, talking and then without fail our children are so excited to come into the kitchen and eat the results. That was a great moment.

The best moment, the happiest moment today was when, Chris took my face in his hands and looked at me with sheer delight in his eyes, and then after what seemed like a long time said some very sweet things about my beauty and his love for me.  Beside the obvious, the reason this was by far the happiest moment of the day for me was while he was looking at me, with those loving eyes sparkling, I just soaked it in.  I just enjoyed his gaze, and thought about how dear this man was to me.  What was remarkable about that was I didn't feel uncomfortable, or insecure.  I didn't immediately start thinking about (C), but about love.

I am so incredibly blessed that I am married to a man who has loved me so well.  He is kind, accepting of who I am, (no it is more than accepting, he has admired who I am) and yet my insecurities, my own (C) has so kept me from fully accepting him.  This entire weekend we were able to relish in each other. Today, my happiest moment was when I was able to receive his gaze of love the way it was intended.

The incredible thing is this.   I know I serve a Savior friend who gazes at me with more love than Chris will ever be capable of giving.  God  loves me  and adores me.  As special as it was for me to let go of all the (C) and be able to see and accept Chris's love in a new way, how much more special will it be when I can see and experience the loving gaze of my Savior.  Chris has been loving this process.  He says it is fun watching the change and being able to look at me lovingly without me shooting him down or not even noticing because I am too caught up in my negative feelings about self. I can only imagine how sad it makes my creator to see me unable to fully accept and grasp His love for me because of a pack of lies.  Oh how it must hurt him for lies or (C) to be standing in the way of me understanding and feeling His love for me.

Tonight, I am praying for a more intimate and real understanding of my Saviors love.  I am praying I will with His help, set the (C) down and be willing to accept His gaze of love.  To see the twinkle in His eyes, and believe what I am seeing.

59- Content

This has been a truly special 24 hours.   Chris and I have very simply had a wonderful time together.  We have talked a lot, enjoyed each others company, and spent time affirming each other.  Today has reminded me of the great importance of spending time with those you love.  Time getting know each other better.  there is no substitute for time.  Time implies importance.  I felt valued because Chris was willing to travel with me this weekend and spend time with me.  Time gave us opportunity to sometimes just be quiet and beside each other.  Time made it possible to have experiences and add to our repertoire of memories. Memories that we can recall at moments when time is limited. Our relationship became so much stronger today because of time!

Tonight I am reminded how important time is for the most important relationship in my life, Christ.  Our heavenly father also wants us to spend time with Him.  Nothing is a substitute for that time.  You can't serve enough, preach enough, talk about Him enough, to not need to spend time.  Time is what develops our understanding and belief into a real and living relationship.  We throw the word relationship around a lot when talking about God, but a relationship must include time. Time to have conversation, to listen, time to just sit quietly together.

Tonight I am very thankful for the time spent with my husband, for his love, and for his friendship.  Tonight I am desiring to make sure to incorporate into my day more time for God.  Not study per say but just time.  time in prayer, time to listen, just time to sit beside each other.  I know this process of letting go of all the (C) will be much easier with a deeper relationship with the only person who can truly rid my life of the (C).  Tonight I am looking forward to more time with HIM and thankful for the time I had with him today! Love you babe!

Day 58- Happy Sabbath

So you all realize this post is late! Lets just say... I was in a hotel last night with Chris...

So this post had to wait.  Yesterday was a wonderful day filled with lots of joy and a few moments of anxiety. Chris and I spent the morning together preparing things at home for Anna and her friend Elony.  They were going to be home last night.  I was cooking soup, apple tart, and in general straightening up.  Chris was doing some work and also helping with dishes etc.  At one point late in the morning he was upset at me.  I won't go into all the details but we both left the house together very quiet.  After a few minutes of talking it was apparent to us both that we had just needed to communicate with each other better.  We needed to let the other know what we were feeling, and what we were planning.

We had  a lunch meeting so our talk was cut short, but we resumed as soon as we got in the car again.  This time we in a matter of minutes had worked things out and were once again happy to be sitting with each other. The triumph for us both is that we were able to be raw and honest with our feelings and expectations all the while KNOWING with out a shadow of  doubt that were in a very safe and loving place.  We may have been upset at each other but that didn't change the basis of who we were which was a couple who desperately wanted nothing more than to please and love the other.

We had dinner with Anna and her friend in Asheville as we crossed paths.  Stopped by Pisgah to drop off some things and pick up some things and then drove to Anderson, SC.  We had such great conversation. So last night there was not time for anything except connecting with my man. 

For much of our relationship both Chris and I have been reluctant to share honestly when we are hurting, or mad.  I know for myself it is because of years and years of (C) that I have owned and become very comfortable with.  I have much of my life believed or accepted that to get along, my feelings must be pushed to the back ground and the focus must be on Him.  He has done the same.  In some ways it is great, we have spent most of our married life, simply pleasing each other.... not a bad gig.  However not so great when each of us is stuffing and hurting inside.  As we have grown up...lol... and become more secure in us we have started trying to be more open about our hurts and feelings.  I know for myself yesterday, I started to go to a place of self condemnation, I started to accept (C) and then do as I have done in the past, which is to retreat.  I didn't though.  Yesterday, I was open without attacking, open without piling crap on myself,  open which is a very vulnerable place to be.  Yet being vulnerable in a safe place is thrilling... it is like being on a roller coaster, at incredible speeds where you feel like you are free falling yet you know you are safe.  That is what it is like.  I can't say yesterday either of us had our hands up while we were free falling but we were at least on the coaster!

I know yesterday, the honesty, the raw open connection for me would not have been possible with all the crap I normally carry around.  It is almost like because the clouds are not as heavy anymore I was able to see what was really hurting me, and what I was doing to hurt him more clearly.  I guess with all the (C) it is hard to find the truth.

I am so thankful for Chris!!!! Thankful that he is a safe place to free fall.  I am this morning more in love with him than before.  Grateful for the assurance that all the safety straps are securely fastened, and that when we get to the big hills, we will be safe.  Not because we are so great but because HE (Christ) is in this with us.

Happy Sabbath all!

Day 57- A Clear Night

I had just snuggled down into bed when I realized I had not blogged this evening and my computer was still in the trunk of the car.  I had just gotten warm, I was wearing something.... well lets just say... NOT WARM.  I did get up and braved the cold and on my way back from the car I looked up and WOW what a beautiful sky.  It was perfectly clear, not a cloud anywhere and the whole sky, dark part included, just seemed to sparkle.  It looked like shiny black glass with diamonds in it.  Such a treat. 

In the last couple days I have felt like the clouds are rolling away from my life.  Tonight I feel like the sky of my life is a little clearer too! This week there have been several times when something has come up and I immediately have been able to identify the Crap and have "set it down" or "thrown it out the window".  I know there is still so much that is hidden or hard to identify, but it is getting easier.  It is easier to identify and easier to put down.

I have recently discovered how much I enjoy all things that sparkle. Looking at the sky tonight and realizing how it sparkled because of the lack of clouds, I had hope.  Hope that one day I will sparkle, not because of jewelry, or sequins but because of the lack of (Clouds) (Crap).  The sky had all those stars sparkling in it last night too, in fact they are there every night; however when the clouds are thick it covers the sparkle.  I realize any sparkle that is in me is only there because of my creator. It is a reflection of His love.  I know that letting my stars shine, is not about being perfect or doing perfect things, it is letting Christ shine through me. When we try to recreate the sky, often a dark sheet  or board is put in place with lights behind and small holes in the board.  I am but the board and He is the light.  However if I keep piling on the (C) I completely obstruct the view of His light. 

Please understand I realize I have a long way to go; but the clear sky reminded me tonight how it is getting easier and I am so grateful for this journey. 

I want to clarify one thing.  Carolyn and I were talking and she started to apologize for saying anything the other night that would make me start wallowing in the (C).  I said it to her tonight, but I wanted all of you to also know. ... She didn't say anything bad, hurtful, hateful, or anything that should in anyway make me feel bad.  She was giving sound advise, using her own experiences, everything she was saying was kind, good, down right wonderful.  The problem was not her, but me.  It was my own insecurities, my own issues that made me start to feel or see the (C) but before she even finished talking I had identified it, and put it down.  The time and contemplation was not about the (C) but about what she had said and how and if I should use it to revise what I was doing. (Which I did).  The good news in all this was that before she even finished speaking I had set the (C) down and was free to accept her advise and concern in the manor in which it was intended....assistance for me. I appreciate and love Carolyn very much and am so grateful for her friendship! I know she knows that, but if she had any question I didn't want any one else reading this to also have the same question.  I know Mon. night God used her to help me in two ways.  First to realize that the clouds are clearing and it is getting easier to recognize and set down the (C) and second she helped me realize I needed to research my training schedule a little more and take it to God in prayer.  Thank you for not only loving me but for letting God use you my friend! 

So tonight the sky is clear both outside and in! I am hopeful that one day, I will let my light shine for Him.  I hope that one day, the clouds will not be around as often and clear nights will be the norm. 

I missed ballet class tonight so I stretched here at home. 

Day 56- Getting Behind

After a wonderful start to my day, I realized I had a committee meeting scheduled for tonight I had forgotten about.  Then I had the privilege of driving in rain and thick grayness. It was such a dismal day. Arriving at Pisgah, just highlighted all the things I need to be getting done and how far behind I feel like I am getting.  The problem is this... when I get behind I start giving myself a hard time, (that is the nice way of saying it)  I am just wallowing in (C). Today, I have tried to give it to God and let being behind not be license to rip myself apart but it is just being behind! Needing to catch up does not = that I'm a complete failure.  Needing to catch up doesn't = I am worthless.  So today I prayed that God would give me the strength to face my short comings, and the strength to set down the (C) and simply get to work on catching up. 

It helped. I can honestly say I am getting things done and will get caught up.  The meeting went till  11pm and I have a breakfast date with my wonderful cousin Geoff, so I will keep this short.

Today I asked for strength to face what I need to improve upon, while not wallowing in (C). 
Tonight I am going to sleep with the assurance that I am a work in progress and with God's help I will succeed.  Tonight, I know this process is helping.  I heard a friend today taking on (C). She was weighed down with so much unnecessary (C).  I wanted to say to her..."SET IT DOWN!!!!".... but she hasn't been reading this blog and would have no idea.  I was so thankful I recognized it.  Tonight I am encouraged that walking this journey with God, and finding strength in Him will help me to live free!

Day 55- A day late...

Good morning,  I am late getting this post written.  I woke up yesterday with a terrible migraine and even after medication, it lingered most of the day.  The computer screen was not something I could look at for more than a couple minutes at a time. So it had to wait till this morning.

I am doing much better today.


Yesterday was supposed to be the first run on my training schedule that I am so determined to do.  The migraine put a halt to my plans.  It led to a day filled with contemplation.  Monday evening, Carolyn really challenged me, questioning my training program that has 5 days a week of running. At first, I was about to be upset by what she was saying, until I realized it was (C) I was adding to what she was saying that was bothering me more than anything.  Don't we all do that a lot.  Someone says something and it hurts are feelings because of what we think they are really saying, not what they are actually saying.  Well, it is crap! I know my friend, I know she loves me.   I know she would not say anything to bring me down, insult me, or anything that wasn't intended to be for my encouragement.  So with the (C) set down, I started trying to listen to what she was saying.  Then the next morning, migraine.  Putting a halt to my plans right off the bat.

I say my plans because I decided I wasn't sure how prayerfully I had looked at the training program.  I decided yesterday instead of fighting the migraine, I would take meds and rest, sleep, and pray.  It was a relatively good day, considering.  Chris came home earlier than expected and made me a wonderful dinner.  I spent several hours sleeping.

My conclusion on the training issue was this... I am going to keep most of it the same, however, Thursday will be "cross training" and my ballet is going to count for that.  I was previously planning to run and do ballet in the same day.  So the plan is something like this, Mon. rest, Tues. run, Wed, run, Thur, ballet, Fri.run, Sabbath rest, Sunday long run.  I think that is much more reasonable. I will also, do my best to keep the plan in my schedule, however on days like yesterday I will surrender it to Christ and take care of myself.  (Without guilt).

I am feeling much better.  I think I listened, adjusted, while maintaining my convictions. Most importantly,  I prayed a lot yesterday and really believe that I am doing this for the right reasons and that he will guide and direct me in this process.

I'm sorry it took a migraine to get me to stop with my plans and be still and quiet and listen.  So today I woke up and went for a run.  I ran more, and walked less, It was right at 2 miles, which is what was scheduled for today.

I am now off to work, I have a sermon to prepare, work to get to the printers, letters to write, phone calls to make and so on and so forth. Happy day everyone!

Day 54- Just do it.

Sometimes there are things we do just because it needs to be done.  Tonight I feel that way about blogging. I have no desire to blog. There are things weighing heavy on my mind I don't know how to blog about.

I had a good day.  I spent time with a dear friend and that is always a good thing! Started Christmas shopping. (I never start this early!)  I went out to dinner with my husband and our god-daughter, Liesl.  Spending time with her was a blessing and such a joy! It is true it is so important for each of us to spend time with children.  It is good to laugh, eat ice cream, and review spelling words! I loved every second! 

Then Chris and I came home and worked on expense reports I need to turn in, a highly unpleasant task for me.  It has needed to be done for a very long time but I hate doing it.  I hate working on such things; however it just had to be done.  Just doing things like expense reports is very difficult for me.  I am not good at getting things done that I dread doing. Tonight I realized how difficult it is for me.  Not only is it a task I don't enjoy doing, but it is like getting in a hot tub of (C).  My dyslexia makes even writing the correct number down difficult.  I can't tell you how many times I would read numbers to Chris backwards, or just completely wrong.  I feel dumb and frustrated that it takes me so long. I start beating myself up about not keeping better records, wallowing in my inadequacies.

Tonight I am reminding myself how important it is to "Just do it" because it needs to get done. If I would face the things I hate to do in a more timely manner, it would be easier.  After all putting it off doesn't make it any better.

So tonight I am grateful for time spent with friends!
Very grateful for time spent with Liesl!
I need to work harder at "Just doing it" so that the difficult tasks don't keep piling up.
Realize the longer I wait to get busy, doing the unpleasant, the harder it becomes.  So Just Do IT!

Today's training schedule called for stretching and strength training.... DONE!

Day 53- Perhaps the hardest thing I have ever done!

So here goes!  I am starting a huge challenge!  Bigger than anything I have done to date.   This past summer the girls and I agreed to run the Princess Half Marathon this coming Feb. 2012.  The Marathon will be on blog day 158! Here is the huge challenge.  Much bigger than the half marathon it-self is needing to stick to a training regiment.  I have known this was coming since our decision in July! However, back issues, sickness, helping others, travel, and frankly my own (C) has kept me from training as I should the past several months.  So today I decided to start a strict training regiment that will start tomorrow! It will be 15 weeks long.  I have it all worked out on a training schedule which I will look at each night and plan how to fit the runs and workouts into the next days  schedule.  I am beyond terrified that this body or my inability to stick with things will fail me, but I need to do this.  I need the exercise of body and mind.  I need to accomplish this.

Today Chris and I watched the movie "Emanuel's Gift" about a disabled Ugandan who not only is an amazing athlete, riding his bike for huge distances with one leg, but a young man who went on to change his entire country with a focus of determination to keep going and help others.  It was very inspirational.  I watched him and all the people in the movie with unbelievable challenges and yet they persevered. I watched them as I sat in my comfortable chair beside our fireplace and thought, "and what is keeping me from running the half marathon ?..."  Really?  Am I that pathetic?

So tomorrow I will start adding to this blog what I did for training that day.  It will just be an add-on to the bottom of the blog, just for me.  A record to keep track of my progress.  I also need to get serious about eating the way I should and feeding this body good nutritious food to keep it fueled to endure what I am going to be putting it through. I am quite certain the biggest issue for me is not physical, but mental.  I hate exercising I find excuses and reasons I can't get it done.  That has to stop for the next 105 days.  For the next 105 days I will love exercise, I will love pushing my body.  I will love it!!!!!!!!!! Yes I will!!!!! Yes I will!!!!!

So today I have been fighting the (C) of "I'm not an athlete, what is my problem, there is no way, you don't stick to anything" and more and more. But I am putting that all down.  I can do this!  I can keep going, training, and sticking to something that is important to me. 

So here I go ready or not! 

Day 52- Sabbath is a Happy Day

So today Chris and I invited our pastor and his wife over for lunch after church.   As always I was a little behind getting everything done, or perfect the way I always want it will be. This morning I had a choice, finish up little things that needed to be done, or do my hair and make up.  Now traditionally I would not take the time for myself.  I would jump in the car with wet hair (using my curls as an excuse) grabbing my make up bag on the way out the door.  Make up would get put on at stop lights or in the church parking lot. I would choose my clothes by what was clean and easy to put on.  Today I choose differently, decided my house could just be as is, and I would take time to be feminine, take time and stop pushing my womanhood to the back ground.  As I write this I realize this has the potential to sound so narcissistic. This is not about all things being about me.   I think it all goes back to needing to have perfection so since I don't think that is possible, I just don't try.  I have spent my whole life really believing I am not elegant, beautiful, feminine, or cute.  So I do better just not trying.  It is better to just be what I "know" I am than to try to be something and fail.  I realize, that beauty of character, is most important, however ignoring the outside.... what am I doing.... honestly I'm trying to convince you that it is OK that I wanted, or needed to spend time this morning getting ready.... seriously am I that pathetic.  There is nothing wrong with caring for my external being.  Even needing to explain that shows how far I still have to go...

So long story short, I spent time, got dressed well, and then went to church.  As Chris came and sat down beside me after playing bass, he said, "You look really nice".  Nice bonus! I felt like a lady.  I am a lady! :)

We had a wonderful dinner with our pastor and his wife and when I wanted to make comments or jokes making myself the butt, or making funny comments about my inadequacies, I stopped.  I refrained.  It was good. Certainly an improvement. 

So the sermon the pastor preached today was once again really great! He was talking about developing a deep relationship with Christ.  There was so much good but at one point he was talking about relationships and how intimate relationships require two people being willing to be open and share. That is one thing about this blogging that has been difficult.  For those of you who are following, you know very intimate things about me.  You know what my struggles are and what some of my victories are.  Yet unless we get a chance to be together I know nothing of what is happening with you.  At times when I haven't seen you for a while and then I see you and you make a comment about something in this blog, it is at that moment, I feel a little naked. OK not a little... I feel like you are fully clothed and I am stark raving naked.  I don't think I should stop blogging, and I certainly don't want you to stop commenting on my blog, I just need to find some time to communicate with you and find out how you are all doing.  It is important in my close relationships to know how you are doing and if you have been invited to read this blog then I feel safe with you, and I would love to know how you are REALLY doing! So if you are reading this I would like to spend some time with you! Let's set a date!

I had a wonderful time preparing food for today and sharing love with food!
I spent time honoring the femininity that God created in me by taking time to dress!
I refrained from cutting myself down!
I realized I want to spend time with YOU!
It has been a blessed Sabbath day!

Day 51- It is friday again.

Tonight it has been 7 weeks since I started this process. Can you believe it?  Seven weeks.  For those of you who love to have routine and are good at sticking to your routines I am sure seven weeks sounds like nothing.  For me however, this is quite amazing!  I'm happy and feel like this is a great exercise for me. I am thankful to God for this journey that He is taking me on.

Tonight just as Chris and I were talking about heading to bed, I headed into the kitchen to make sure everything was put away.  There were a few dishes left from the food preparation for tomorrows meal that needed washing. I wanted to get them done before going to bed, but didn't want to have Chris wait for me, so decided they could wait for tomorrow morning. At that moment Chris came into the kitchen and asked if he could help with anything.  I told him no, I was just putting away some food.  In that instant I knew what I really wanted to do was to finish the dishes and make a quick pie crust so the dough could rest in the fridge over night.  However, to accomplish both would mean holding him up.  I am terrible at asking for that.  He is always the best, most helpful husband, but I'm not good at asking when I need something.  It is because, I feel guilty that he helps so much, I feel like I should have it all done before he comes home. Perhaps all this is (C) but I'm not even ready to say that.  I want to be the kind of wife that gets lots done and he just reaps the benefits without all the aggravation.
So back to tonight, I decided I should mention the dishes.  Long story short, I am now blogging for just a couple minutes, he is sitting by the fire, the pie crust is resting in the fridge, the dishes are all washed and put away and I am going to bed at peace.  I must start accepting his kindness!  It isn't even so much about asking as it is accepting (because he is always offering).  I'm not sure where my hesitation to ask comes from.  I will work on that, but for now I will just try to be more willing to accept.
Happy Sabbath everyone! I hope tomorrow is a blessed day for all! I know I will have a much better day just because I was willing to accept Chris's amazing love tonight! It is amazing the difference such a small thing makes! 

Day 50- Leaping

This has been quite a day of ups and downs, literally and figuratively.  This morning, I woke with a terrible headache. For some reason, I thought it was Wed. and was enjoying finishing up a writing assignment warm and cozy in bed, when my alarm went off telling me that I was supposed to be in Camden, SC.  I jumped up out of bed, cleaned up and was out the door in 15 minutes.  Drove like crazy to Camden, had a wonderful time with the students and then headed to Columbia, SC to the CAA.  The day was hectic, but such a blessing.

I vividly remembered last year taking the students treats, thinking, "I wish I could figure out a way to take apples, because when I take cupcakes, I am just the fat unhealthy lady who is always pushing sugar."  This pile of (C) comes from the feeling and belief that we should never show love with food.  Food is and should only be fuel.

Fast forward to this afternoon and with new understanding, new belief, I walked in with the brightest, craziest cup cakes I could find, and relished in watching the joy that spread across the students faces. It was very emotional for me.  I love expressing love and appreciation with food,  I love expressing love and appreciation with time, I love expressing love with service, and ALL are GOOD!!!! I realize some of you may completely disagree and that is OK.  I just know that God created food for pleasure, for fuel, for community and for celebration. The fatted cafe was the star of the celebration when the prodigal son returned home.  He cooked breakfast for the disciples.  He created some food with almost no nutritional value. Some He made just to add texture, or water, or crunch.  He created foods in every color and an endless number of varieties.  I KNOW He has expressed his love for us through food.  The key, I believe, is that we can't only show our kids or our family or friends love with food but it CAN be ONE way we show love.  As I sat and watched the children relish in the cupcakes, I enjoyed it like I never before.   I have always used food to show love, but it has always been connected to so much (C).  I can't remember anytime where I just relished in the expression of love, without thinking (fat girl, is doing it again...)  Today, I was just extending His hand, listening, talking, hugging, and yes I shared sweets.  It is amazing how lovely life can be without all the negative bullying I have been inflicting on myself.  It is such joy living free of CRAP!.

Then off to dance class.  Once again, I was trying to come up with all kinds of reasons not to go, but left so excited and grateful to have gone.  This week I literally leaped. Back and forth.  Today was the first night where I told myself to just listen to the music, let go and just leap.  I did and it was amazing.  The applause from the class and teacher was a bit much for me to take, but it felt almost like I was dancing! That is a start. So today, I was down, starting the day late and with a head ache, up, spending time with amazing kids, and then up and down in dance class.  I have to say today, I felt lighter, lighter on my feet, lighter in my heart! It is amazing how heaving all that (C) has been!  

Day 49 Proof!

Well here it is! Proof that I raised my hands and faced a fear. When I see this picture I want to critique me, but when I think of looking to the sky and praising my Lord with arms raised, all critique falls away and tears come to my eyes.  I am very simply a child of God.  He loves me, He adores me and He is thrilled to see me learning to be free! Learning to be free and learning to really praise him.  When looking at this picture, if I critique, it is all about me, when I see a girl, or a woman who is praising her Lord, the picture is all about HIM!

This is a wonderful example of why this process is important.  If twirling on a hill I am over come with insecurities, thinking about how I look, how I am moving, what I am wearing, feeling completely awkward etc, then I am not free to do what I am created to do which is praise HIM!

I have to admit I am far from there.  I hesitated to post this picture, but that was when I was critiquing.  When I forced myself to put down the (C) and look at this picture and see the young girl or the 42 year old woman who desperately wants to praise Him, I had to share.  It has inspired me to keep going.  To face some of the issues much bigger than dance and picture taking.  It has inspired me to keep going. I have also decided that toward the end of this process, I would like to have Tonya take pictures again. It will be fun to see, and more fun to do. 

If tonight or ever you have questioned your value, your beauty, your strength, your intelligence, or your ability to succeed, STOP! Please don't waste one more moment or thought on such lies. We were all created in His image. He paid for us, (we are highly valued), with him all things are possible, and all wisdom comes from him, we need but ask.  I am saddened by the number of years spent holding on to so much (C).  When looking at that picture, I just kept thinking that I should have been doing that when I was 10, 20, 30, or any year before or after.  Why has it taken so long?  Please if you are reading this, please set it down and let him give you the freedom needed to love Him and others with wild abandon! Let Him heal you, free you, and ultimately transform you!

Psalm 119:45
I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts.

Day 48 Pictures :)

So last night I wanted to write about my crippling fear, that to have a good photo shoot I would need to move, dance, or even twirl around with my arms in the air.  I know one of the reasons I was so fearful was I wanted that kind of photo shoot.  I wanted to move and NOT be posed.  But to just "be natural and move" is terrifying for me.  TERRIFYING!  Add all the insecurities and this was disaster waiting to happen. 

This morning I had nothing to do but get ready for the shoot and then drive to Pisgah and be there by 4. I decided to straighten my hair some so that it could blow and be free. (At least my hair likes to move!) Then the lovely job of deciding what to wear.  I decided on (bet you would never guess....) red.  Not the color I would recommend but I needed the strength today.  I needed the comfort of my favorite color.  Then the long 2 1/2 hours to Pisgah.  I tried the whole way not to think about the shoot but that is all I could think about.  I literally kept telling myself to twirl, to move, to flip my hair, to do whatever, and it would not kill me.  To have bad pictures wouldn't be the end of the world either.  I finally decided this would be more about the experience then the pictures.  I was going to be willing to do whatever Tonya asked, even if I had to twirl.

Tonya came and we started out trying to find a spot.  We decided on a hill behind staff houses.  About the third shot and she was asking me to walk.  Just walking was hard. Then about 10 minutes into the shoot, she asked me to be like Maria from the sound of music, put my arms up and twirl around looking up!  REALLY! It was almost as God knowing my fears decided to ask me to do the vary thing that I was terrified to do.  So I did, and I didn't die. 

What on earth is happening to me! I mean lets look at this.  I have started Ballet classes, I have ballet shoes and dance clothes.  I am twirling on hills while someone takes pictures of me! I am shocked!!!! Stunned.  It is almost as if I am looking down at me, and I'm not recognizing me.  In contemplating it all this evening I was in Beth's office.  She asked me to sit at her computer, she gave me a box of kleenex and asked me to watch a video.

I will post it here, but let me just say.  I am trying so hard to find that first little girl in me. I cried, for many reasons but mostly for the loss I felt.  The loss, knowing the little girl, is gone, and she never had the opportunity to be that free little girl.  Now this 42 year old, is just trying to let go of the chains that bound the little girl and at least be free now. http://youtu.be/jfuBL5M_Dx0


So after all this, George Grow, (a retired teacher whose wife has been battling cancer) came to staff meeting to share with us a little about what they have been going through.  I cried again, listening to all they have been going through.  I started feeling like perhaps all this, even this blogging, isn't really that important.  When all is said and done, who cares if I can't dance?  Who cares if I wasn't free as a child or free now to move?  Who cares if it is hard for me to have my picture taken?  I have at other times questioned if this whole process is narcissistic. Is this just all about me? Is this just a waste of time?  Is this too focused on me and on (C)?

So tonight, here at my grandparents, writing I have been asking myself a lot of questions.  Here is my answer. This blog is narcissistic, because it is a journal about a year long journey that I am taking.  My life is not all about me! Is it important for me to learn to be free?  If God is taking me on this journey, if it is Him guiding and directing than for some reason, it is.  Today each and everyone of us had to deal with some kind of challenge, mine just happened to be twirling.  I don't understand this journey yet, and maybe I never will, but I can tell you this, I will stop tomorrow if I think God wants me to.  I know he led me in the process to start and I know he is fully capable of letting me know if I am supposed to stop.  Until then, learning to twirl was important, for some unknown reason, but it was important, and today on the side of a hill I twirled and twirled, and someone took pictures of me doing it. (I will post pictures, when I get them!)

Day 47

So last nights post was posted this morning because our internet was down last night. Today I have struggled all day with tomorrows photo session.  I just dread it more than I can say.  Then tonight after 5 (DR. office closed) I started getting a fever blister and I'm out of the medicine needed to get rid of it.  So on top of all the things I am insecure about I will also have a fever blister.  I just can't believe it.   I mean really, did I need anything else to make this event more awkward? If I'm brutally honest, I in-vision myself as looking better than I do, skinnier, taller, younger, just all around better. Pictures have a way of destroying the illusion or dream.

I realize beauty comes from within, from life which is a gift from God.  I know my dissatisfaction is ridiculous! If I were to talk to myself, I would say God created me, I need to be happy being me. It seems simple and yet for some reason this has been a problem my whole life.  I remember my sophomore year in high school, crying before a family picture.  Everyone in my family were so beautiful, handsome, I felt out of place.  I remember thinking if I didn't know better I would think I was a adopted.  I realize this is a lot of (C) but it is (C) I have had around me for a very long time.  I can't remember a time when I was happy with my physical appearance.

I am going to do my best to talk to myself the way I talk to others.  I am going to do my best to let go of the (C) and enjoy tomorrow, but I am telling you,  the thought of having my picture taken makes me feel panicked.  It is going to take really surrendering it to God.  It is going to take His strength to make it happen because I don't have the strength.  I can't believe I am saying this but this is right up there with dancing! Maybe even a bigger mess. This is a mess that I remember way back before the age of 7.  That is a long time to hold onto (C), that is a lot of years to think one way and changing won't be easy.  I know that if God wants to he could just take it all away, but I also know he sometimes wants us to go through the process of changing the habit patterns we have developed in our brains and that takes practice and time. 

Jesus loves me this I know for the bible tells me so.... :)

Day 46

It is late and I have been sitting here trying to figure out what to write. In someways it has been a wonderful day. I'm home, that is always a wonderful thing! I had breakfast with Andrew, Becca, Beth, Rick and Chris. That was wonderful. For some reason though tonight I have been restless and uneasy.  I can't put my finger on it. Chris made a fire, we have just spent the evening together but I'm not restful or settled.  I know I am stressed about having my picture taken on Tues.  I need my hair done, hair removed, and I need to loose 50 pounds before Tues.  I just hate having my picture taken.  I love taking peoples picture but hate having mine taken.  It is very similar to dancing.  I have a hard time being free in front of a camera.  I want to be able to move, to show personality, to not be stiff.  I want to be free with my body and my expressions, but it is so hard for me.  I tend to freeze.
I don't know what to wear, I don't feel prepared and yet it must be done.  Most likely this is the reason for my funk. I wish I did a better job at facing what is wrong instead of just ignoring it, being in a funk, eating what I shouldn't and too much, not doing the things I should.  How much better it would be to face it, work through it and move on.
Lord, give me the strength to move forward, to have my picture taken, to be willing to live for you with crazy enthusiasm. May all that I do, all that I am be to your honor and glory. 

Day 45- Blessings and Surprises!

Sabbath is a happy day! happy day! happy day!

Seriously today has been such a day filled with joy.  I can not imagine my week without Sabbath. This morning did not exactly start out as a normal relaxed Sabbath.  I needed to be up early and over to the school to help work with my drama group.  They were performing for the Youth Rally Sabbath School.  I also had to get hot drink ready for the masses.  I left the house at 8:15 and prayed that God would help me find a red balloon. We needed one for a skit.  Just a plain red balloon.  The decision to use this skit was made at about 10pm the night before so we had no time to prepare.  I have no problem going to the store if needed on Sabbath, but I do try to avoid it.  A lot because of tradition, mostly because it is hard to maintain a heart of worship while shopping.  So I headed to Pisgah to look in every closet, drawer etc.  With out any luck.  I jumped back in my car and drove to Bi-Lo.  I walked in the store and there was a lady working at the flower counter, just steps inside the door.  I told her I was looking for a red balloon. A plain red balloon.  Not blown up, and just one.  She opened a drawer and handed me a red balloon.  I asked her how much I owed her and she said, "nothing, you can have it".  I thank her, and was out the door in less than a minute! I felt so blessed!  Then back to Pisgah.
Sabbath School started and I just loved the music! What a blessing it was.  Not just the music but watching "my" kids doing such a marvelous job.  It blessed and moved me.  Then it was time for the drama group to do their skits.  Both were done so well.  They had the congregation laughing and thinking! It was so good I stood holding the video camera with tears running down my cheeks.  Another wonderful blessing!
Church, more beautiful music! more blessings! Then time with friends at lunch! After lunch I was trying to decide what to do.  Go back to grandparents, sit on campus in the cold, (it is times like these that I feel alone, no real home base, no place of my own, no family).  Then I thought of my boy, he was up at the Anderson's house.  I knew they were probably still eating, but I also knew I would be welcomed, it would be warm, (in temperature and friendship), and I could see my boy, the closet family at the time. Another blessing!!! A place to go and feel HOME! (Thanks Beth and Rick.)
Then back to center campus to supervise students and set out snacks.  It was wonderful having conversations with students and visitors. Just blessings all around.  Then as I stood having a conversation with students in the tent, in walked Chris!!!! Blessing and Surprise in one! There is something really remarkable about having him around when I am tired. (well all the time but especially when I am tired)  He just makes me feel stronger, or lighter.  I don't have to carry it all, he shares in my load. We enjoyed some music together, it is always a wonderful blessing to hear our son praising God. (and Becca too :)).  Then after Chris helped me get the things put away that needed to be put away we headed off to get some supper.  We had a wonderful time sitting across from each other and just enjoyed wonderful conversation.  Before coming back to my grandparents we found a new, and fantastic coffee shop.  We sat down and talked over beautiful cups of coffee. Then back to grandparents... we chatted with them and then came down to go to bed...

So now that you are probably board and have stopped reading here it is...the big point :)  Today, was all about recognizing and focusing on the blessings God provided.  He blessed me with a red balloon, with hands to help out, through the drama group performance, the amazing music, the relationships with the students who were playing the music, with an amazing relationship with my son, with a home away from home, with terrific conversations with students and guests, with sunshine and an amazing blue sky.  He blessed me with a husband who cares for me, wants to know me and is willing to drive hours to come and see me.  He blessed me with a job that energizes me, with coworkers who help me. He blessed me with joy, peace, strength and understanding.  It is as if today with each of these blessings I was literally looking  into the face of Jesus and seeing his sparkling eyes looking at me.  I couldn't help but think of yesterdays post, and my trouble sitting across from Chris as his eyes were sparkling at me.  Much the same, as I think of the Creator of all, being interested in my life, in today on our campus, I want to question, could it really be so, surely He doesn't care about little old me, but Oh how wrong that is.  I know without a shadow of a doubt, He was smiling today! He was delighting in me! His eyes were sparkling and I was soaking up every minute of it!

Day 43- Focus

This day started with Chris and I going out to a wonderful breakfast together.  We dined together.  Sipped our coffee slowly, enjoyed the food, delighted in each other and dreaded saying good-by.  At one point while we were sitting together, he was looking at me with that wonderful twinkle in his eyes, that look which says so much.  I realized I was uncomfortable having him look at me that way.  I felt like a 17 year old girl, amazed this wonderful guy was looking at me in a way which said, he was enjoying what he was looking at.  I told Chris what I was feeling and he laughed and said, "you know what I am going to say...Put IT down!"  I set aside the feelings and looked at him instead as the marvelous gift he is! It was hard, I felt vulnerable, having him look at me that way. I wanted to revert and wrap up in my comfortable blanket of self loathing.  Instead, I just looked back and studied him, as if looking at the contents of a wonderful new gift I had just unwrapped.

About an hour later I was having a great conversation with my brother Jon, and when I shared the story, he mentioned that unworthiness is the basis for all love relationships.  (or something like that)  It made me stop and think. Long after our conversation I continued to try to figure out exactly why what I normally feel when Chris is admiring me didn't seem right, but Jon's statement did.  Here is what I decided is the difference.

When I am given any gift, for Christmas, or birthdays, or any occasion I don't deserve them.  After all deserving a gift makes it payment, not a gift at all.  Chris's love for me is such a gift, that twinkle in his eye, that admiration is a gift, NO QUESTION! I don't deserve it!  However when given gifts, if I said to the giver, "Oh thank you, but I don't deserve this, I am too gross to accept it (push it away). Why would you want to give it to me, I am nothing, no I can't take it". Where does that leave the giver and the receiver? As Chris said to me today, "If you don't put down the (C) then you can't fully accept my love".  I can understand that his love is a wonderful gift, not payment, while still stretching out my arms and actually accepting the gift! Shame, may be a part of the equation for pushing away the gift.  I will never say, "I deserve Chris and his love", but I do hope one day to feel comfortable with that intensely intimate stare he can give me. Willing to accept the gift and appreciate it's magnitude.  The absence of shame and self loathing is not pride or self worship.  The absence of shame and self loathing is not a haughty spirit. It  IS a sweet spot where you are still in awe of the gift, delighted in the giver, the focus is on them and what they have given not me!

Day 42- Dance Class 4

So I missed my class last week because of needing to take care of Grandmother.  Today the thoughts of going to class frankly scared me.  The two weeks in between class added to the anxiety, the fact that my back has been so sore and walking was hard today, added to my anxiety.

This is the good news, I went, sore back and all, terrified but I went.  Soon after arriving I met a new woman, almost 20 years my senior who was starting class this week.  She is from China and can barely speak English.  I don't know her story but as I watched her and others in my class I was a bit emotional. We are all human, all imperfect, all stumbling along trying to learn to move with grace.  It is frankly a beautiful thing... not the dancing, but the trying! After all we look like we fit better in an easy chair with our feet up and a cup of coffee, but instead, we are in a dance studio, stumbling over ourselves, trying.  For me, I am trying to honor God with my being and that is amazing. Tonight I was proud of us :)

I had a wonderful time today getting work done for this weekend (MPA Youth Rally), working more on the University City Youth room, spending time with Amy, having great conversation and then spending time talking with her girls about Pisgah. It was a very productive day. 

Most importantly, this morning as I was thinking about what to do for my worship, my personal time with God, I started to face and hear (C).  I hate reading, perhaps because I am dyslexic.  I don't gain much when reading.  I get distracted, have a hard time coming away with a blessing. It is all a struggle to read instead of a communion with God.  As I started to pull up the bible on my computer, I was starting to beat myself up, chastise myself for not wanting to read, instead, I stopped, I said to myself I was not going to entertain (C).  After all, this time should be about spending time with God, getting to know him better, and if I am spending my time trying to read and not gaining any understanding, how is that accomplishing anything.  I do very much enjoy listening to sermons.  So instead of beating myself up I found a sermon, by Eddie Hypolite.  Thirty minutes later I was filled, blessed, challenged and ready to start my day.  Why do we try so hard to put ourselves in a box instead of looking at what we are trying to accomplish and figuring out how with my gifts to best get there.  This was one of the best personal morning worships I have ever had.  I am so excited! So EXCITED!!!!! How wonderful it is to not put up with the (C) I put on myself, but to take that energy and use it to find a solution for the challenge at hand.  I praise God, for creating me unique and for not only understanding me, but celebrating me.  Today he had a special blessing picked out for me! How cool is that! Life without the (C) is pretty awesome. 

So today, I stopped before being consumed by (C) and used that energy to discover a new way to spend face to face time with my Savior.  Praise God from who all blessings flow!!!!!!!

Day 40 and 41

Well I officially completely missed one day of blogging.  How ironic that it was on day 40.  All I can say about why is I fell asleep around 10pm and woke up at 12:45 thinking I had slept all night, the computer was still on next to me. I decided then I would blog, that is the last thing I remember.  So the heart was willing and the body was very very weak.  I had just finished a fourteen hour day without a break ending in the realization that 200 of the 900 pictures I had taken were lost.  I was discouraged and wiped out.  Sleep was obviously needed.

Today has been a great day. You would think that facing the loss of over 200 pictures and the work it would take to recover from would put a damper on the day, however within a ten minute period I had taken all the pictures needed.  I was able to get all my work done and home in time for dinner. Chris and I are now sitting in the living room, watching some TV with our lap tops and the best part... a fire in the fireplace.  I love a cold house with a fire going.  There is just something about fires!

The past couple days I have been making it through with bible promises and students.  There is something so incredible about watching students live with graciousness.  The pictures I was taking were for Christmas cards sent to all the students families. When the families receive their Christmas card from the principal it will have a picture of their child with friends.  That means I have to take pictures of each student with their friends.  I tell them that everyone has to have their picture taken with someone.  We make it a fun day letting students wear Christmas clothes instead of the normal uniform and we play Christmas music and pass out cupcakes. It is a fun day.  As you can imagine this process has the possibility of being an awkward moment for people who don't have a group of friends they are wanting to take pictures with.  Each year I have been concerned about those moments, and every year the students make it a non issue.  This year there were several moments that stood out. 

We have a student at Pisgah that seems to have some type of issue.  It is possible that he is slightly autistic.  He is extremely socially awkward.  At times goes into periods of withdrawing.  To much commotion makes him uncomfortable.  At first he seemed fine with the idea of having his picture taken with others, but when it came time he froze.  He wouldn't talk to me or anyone, he wouldn't even move.  There was quite a group of students around.  Without me even saying anything a whole group of students got into place pretended they were going to have their picture take together and then two of the girls quietly said,  JOE, (not his name) come you can just stand here and you will just be one of the group, no pressure.  He walked over still didn't say a word, took his picture with a straight expressive-less face and then walked away and just stood still for sometime.  I wanted to cry!  These students with such grace and understanding wrapped him up! There was not one bad word, not one giggle or joke, not one unkind look.  They were a family in that moment taking care of one of their own.  Another moment was when one of the most awkward even unliked student came in and I needed to get his picture, girls that were in the hall, called out his name and said, "...can we have our picture taken with you... come on lets pick out some props and have fun with this."  He just beamed.  I realize this doesn't happen everyday.  I know students hurt each other, can even be mean, but yesterday over and over I saw huge moments where grace, love and acceptance was given to each other. 

These were some great moments in these kids lives. moments that have profound impacts on their perceptions of who they are.  Pastor Gary said the other week in his sermon how well meaning people say in response to people being wounded by people in the church that they should only look to Christ.  Gary pointed out that we don't literally see God and we do see each other... Yesterday over and over I saw grace in action. I am encouraged.  I am challenged, to not let my own (C)(insecurities, focus on self, my hurts, my feelings) get in the way of really extending a hand of grace to those around me. If I am honest, when I am frustrated, even angry with people, it is because of my own issues.  When I don't extend a hand of grace it is because of my own stuff.  The other day I was eating supper at Cracker Barrel by myself, relishing in the rich opportunity to people watch. Sitting next to me was a very interesting older couple.  When the waitress approached to ask for their drink order, she gave her name and asked what they would like to drink.  The man gave her a huge smile and said, "First, hello my name is Tom, it is nice to meet you!" He then continued on and made their order.  In all these years I have never thought to introduce myself to the wait staff. What a beautiful thing to do!

I saw yesterday where (C) could have been laden upon each other and instead they washed some (C) away. I saw grace extended.  I saw kindness, and selflessness.  When we get consumed with our own hurt it is hard to look outside of yourself to the needs of others.  I don't want to be one of those people who just stuff their own (C) and always focus on others, because they can't face their own issues.  I want to get rid of the (C) so I can freely show grace. So I can perhaps be a human example of a loving God.  I am also going to try to remember to introduce myself to waitstaff, and others I come in contact with.  It is so simple, "Hello my name is Beth, nice to meet you." 

Day 39

Good morning!  It is actually day 40.  I fell asleep with my lap top next to me, with about two very incoherent sentences written.  I was obviously tired.  So day 39.

Probably the most significant thing that happened was this...

My amazing cousin Geoff had invited me to go Contra Dancing with him last night.  I have been contra dancing twice in my life.  Once a month before my brothers wedding in preparation, and at my brothers wedding. Both times were a wonderful experience.  When Geoff and I had breakfast he invited me to go. I agreed. 

For some reason, I was not comfortable with the idea all day yesterday. I kept trying to figure out what it was. Insecurities, growing up believing we don't dance. All possibilities but nothing seemed to fit.  I knew all reasons were possible, but I just could not put my finger on it.  I even had several conversations with Chris about it, asking for him to help me talk through it.  Our conclusion was that though we weren't sure why I was uncomfortable that I should just go and let this be something where I push myself a little. You know the step outside of your comfort zone thing. So I made the decision to go and was actually excited to go, even looking forward to it. (not comfortable, just willing to push through the discomfort)

Then yesterday afternoon, my entire plan for today's picture shoot fell through.  I was left with needing to find props and a back drop last night.  I was disappointed my initial plan fell through.  I had no desire to drive around town trying to come up with an alternative.  I was really upset about it.  I also knew there was no way I could make dancing.  I just would not have time to get it all done.  I was so disappointed, for both reasons.

I finally texted Geoff and let him know I couldn't come.  His text back was something like this, "I understand, perhaps tonight wouldn't have been the best night anyway, I forgot it was Halloween and it will be very crowded"  That was the first moment I realized it was Halloween.  I was so thankful!  In that moment it was all very clear. I wasn't supposed to go last night.  I wish I had listened to that still small voice! I wish, I had not spent years of practice being covered up with so much (C) it has been hard to hear the voice. The last couple days, I kept trying to figure out what (C) was getting in my way of dancing (understandibly so) and did not stop to see if the whisper, the lack of peace about the situation was that wonderful voice instead of (C)! 

I have known, and experienced over and over in my life when God intervenes in some of the seemingly insignificant, yet important to me things.  I know just on Sunday, His guidance and presence was very real.  I am appreciative of this process of cleaning up and getting rid of the (C) for a new reason.  I can't help but believe that sitting in a soft fluffy white robe, with sweet smelling lotions, instead of under a pile of (C) has to make hearing that voice an easier thing. 

2 Cor. 3:16-18, "but whenever a man turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away.  Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.  But we all, with unveiled face beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit."