129- Free (posted late....fell a sleep)

Today was a very long day.  The biggest event was being interviewed and filmed by Ron Quick for a promotional video that highlights our recruiting team.  Now, I have posted about how little I like having my picture taken.  To be on video..... 100 times worse.  Who wants to look 10 pounds heavier. I hate hate seeing myself on video.  I dreaded it, was hoping that he would not use me at all....and he still may cute me out....but dreaded it something terrible.

However, dreading it... perhaps.... but I did not let my fear cripple me.  I was able to talk myself through it.  I pictured (C) and letting it go.  I told myself that this was not me or looking good or not, but about us being in the right place at the right time, to minister to the people we need to.  I kept reminding myself that we needed to just share the stories, it is all about the stories, and we can tell stories.  It is not about how I look. 

I shared with the students that I was nervous and how this felt awkward. One of them said they were glad to know I was nervous too.  Then we went on to talk about why we were doing this and had prayer.  In my prayer I was silently asking God to wash away all the (C) and let me be free to share Him. 

I am so grateful for the practice I have had in this process.  It helped so much.  The interview went great and we will wait and see what the finished product looks like. 

Today, I am praising God for the answered prayers.  For helping me to let go and be free to share Him. Today was a great example of why this process is good.  Many times when I am writing late at night about piles and piles of Crap, I have questioned why this process is important.  Why would anyone go through this, and frankly whether or not it is even good to do.  Some days it feels like it is too much about me, too much about (C) and not enough about things that really matter.  Today was a wonderful example of how letting go is important so that we can adequately share God. Yes there are days that are filled with (C) and seemingly just myself, but that is the work so that when the call comes, or when the opportunity presents itself I am Free, Free to share God, FREE!

128- Alone....Not really

Today I had to say goodbye to Chris as he headed back to Charlotte.  I hate saying goodbye to him and today was particularly hard because he was stressed about somethings.  I just desperately wanted to be with him.  Then this afternoon I went to a movie all by myself. I was headed to a movie, that I know Chris would never want to see.  I did ask a friend to go, but when she couldn't, I went anyway.  I have only done that one other time in my life and was fine to be going alone.  The movie was ultimately about aloneness.  The empathy I felt for the character brought on loneliness.  It was weird.  As I drove away in the early evening, I felt so relieved that it was just a movie and not my life.  I have certainly struggled with feelings of aloneness, but I have truly never been really alone! Not like this character. 

Just a week or so ago I blogged about my feelings of aloneness.  Tonight, I want to put down another layer.  Tonight I was acutely reminded that I am NOT alone!  I may have felt it, I may even still feel it, but I am not alone! I am not without a birth family, in fact I am surrounded by a huge family that love me! Parents, Grandparents (seriously who at 42 still has two grandparents living), aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sister, nieces and nephews. I am not alone!  I don't live alone, I am married to the most loving, in to me, funny, sexy, thoughtful and deep man.  For almost 23 years he has cherished me!  I am not alone!  I am surrounded by friends who love me, are crazy enough to be on this journey with me :) and who pray for me! I am not alone!  I have three wonderful children, that I am so proud of, and who love me too!  I have people I work with, students, and church members that I am in one way or another connected to.  I am most definitely not alone!

My feelings have been real, my hurts real, the struggle real, but the source though real, needs to be put in his place. Aloneness for me has been a huge hurt, a huge hole.  A hole I have tried to fill with any number of other vices, instead of surrendering the hole to God.  Instead of focusing on truth, I have let small incidents create deceptively huge craters in my heart. I let incidences of real hurt turn into volumes of lies.  No more! It is all (C) and I am ready for that shower!  I am ready to focus on the truth,  I am not Alone!

So how do I keep new hurts from turning into volumes of lies, deal with the hurt.  See the hurt for what it is, an incident, a hurt, forgive, be willing to feel the hurt, be willing to be healed by my Savior and then move on.  To often we take incidences and make them a life story.  No more! It is all (C) and I am ready for that shower!


Tonight as I watched the character in the movie navigate through an utterly alone existence, I realized how incredibly, rich in love and acceptance I am.  I realize the hurts that created the lies have been around long enough and kept me from seeing those around me who are truly alone. It has kept me from being free to live as I should and has kept me from appreciating those who make up the bounty of love that surrounds me.

127- Laughter and being yourself.

It has been a very long day.  It started with early church, leaving the house before 8am and ended in a different town, with a late dinner.  There have been many blessings for sure.  Beautiful music played by young people is always such a blessing.  Delicious food, time with my man, watching the drama team minister with their talent and hard work.   What blessings.  However, by far one of the greatest blessings today was laughing and being completely comfortable to be myself.  Last Sat. night we had a few friends over and we all enjoyed wonderful moments of laughter!  It was wonderful and healing!  Tonight, we went out after vespers with Rick and Beth and we just really had a great time laughing.  I am reminded of my first post after listening to a Christian comedian, when I wrote about the importance of laughter.  It is very healing!  It is something I cherish.  In my family, my brother Jon was always given the title of comedian.  He was always the funny one! I loved his humor and still do!  I have in recent years realized that I can not only enjoy laughing at others but when I feel comfortable I can be quite funny too.  Chris gets the most exposure to my humor, I suppose it is because I feel the most comfortable, with him!

Tonight as I am ready to shut things down and get some sleep, I realized that my humor is there, I have just never felt comfortable enough in my own skin to use it. Frankly, when I am self conscious or insecure or covered up with (C) it is hard to even think of things that are funny. The moments when I am able to be funny are the same moments when I feel comfortable to just be me.  So tonight, I am ready to let the me shine a little stronger.  I am ready to let go of whatever it is that keeps me from being who God created me to be.  I am ready to laugh and ready to make others laugh too! As the (C) is washed away it will be interesting to see who is under all that!

What a wonderfully enjoyable evening it was! What a blessed gift friends are who can make you laugh and laugh with you too!

126- The process

The process, the journey, this should be the focus.  I heard several different times today about how important it is to focus on the journey not the destination.  I have found this difficult as a Seventh-day Adventist, who has, as young as I can remember, thought about second coming, heaven and all things at the end of the journey.  Today as I heard the idea that it needs to be about the journey, I asked myself how or if that should play into my Adventist beliefs.  After all eschatology has been a huge primary focus of my church. We find it important for everyone to know what the end, will be.  So have we lost the focus? 

This blog has an end, just 239 days from now.  However the end has no preconceived outcome.  I have not decided to be something or that something magical will happen.  Though this has an end there is no major goal, this is all about the process.  All about daily, trying to live consciously for my Savior.  I am wanting to daily honor Him by not carrying around piles of (C).  Most of life is not that way.  We are usually focused on an end point.  The destination, the finish line, the orgasm, the graduation, the fireworks, the end of a book, the engagement, the wedding, the birth etc.  What about all the time leading up to? 

Tonight I am reminded of what my father told me when no one would date me.  He said to pray that God will daily direct me in what I am doing and who I am becoming.  That way if his plan for me is to be married it will happen and if not then I have not wasted a lifetime searching and yearning for something that was never meant to be. That is hard to do.  I know even with this process, I have hoped and even dreamed that the process was going to magically make me everything I have ever dreamed of being.  I have dreamed of a new body, a boldness, a freedom, and so much more.  However, if my focus is on the end point then the process is lost.  I have intentionally tried to not think about the end, but just the day to day. Since I am not trying to complete something, but am just trying to do something everyday, it is completely about the process. 

So what about my church and what about this process. I have decided that both are the same.  We should as a church be longing for the day when we are able to be with Him in heaven, however it is more important that we long to be with Him today!  It is more important that we focus on spending time with Him right here and now.  It is more important for me to spend today setting down the (C) and living free!  It is important for me to walk today with my eyes set on Him.  Then in 239 or 360 or 150 days from now I will be exactly where I should be.  Frankly, in our relationship with Christ there is no finish line.  There is no end.  It just takes place in a different location, but it is still the same relationship.  The relationship is not about a way to get to the final destination. It is all about a journey with him that will just continue on in a glorious garden and then new earth! Somehow I think we expect that our relationship with Jesus will magically be different and glorious when we get to heaven, but it will be the same relationship. I know, it will be special to feel him, see him, and literally hear him, but the relationship will still be between me and my Savior.  He will still have the same love, the same character, the same grace, the same care, the same delight in me there as he has here!  The good news about that is I can experience Him now!  I don't have to wait!   If we spend so much time thinking about the wedding day or the second coming and not enough time thinking about our relationship with Him now we miss out on something. Something glorious. In fact if we don't surrender our hearts to him now perhaps we won't want to be there with him in the new location. Today, I need to focus on today!  Today, I need to focus on his face, today! Today, I want to set down some of the (C), today!  Today, because of his delight in me, I can start to understand what that fluffy white robe feels like, today!  Today, I can start to understand what a life with my heart in His feels like, and then heaven will not be the end point, but just a change in location!

125- Blind

This evening I met Chris at Olive Garden for a wonderful dinner.  While I was waiting for him to arrive, I sat in my car and listened to music.  As I sat there I was contemplating my day.  Then a couple came walking out of Olive Garden.  The man had sunglasses on and a cane.  I thought of Dr. Shive a Psychiatrist. I have been to Olive Garden with him several times. He is friends with Lynn and whenever she is in town she takes him to Olive Garden and I tag along.  I realized when I saw the blind man walking out of Olive Garden fondly remembered my lunches at OG with Dr. Shive.  When I worked at Nosoca back in highschool and college we had blind camp.  I loved it! There is something very different about being around and interacting with a blind person.  I feel like they somehow know me,  the real me.  I know when talking with Dr. Shive, all that really matters is what he sees.  He sees me and that is all he sees. 

When I saw that man walking out of Olive Garden I also thought of my grandmother.  I thought how I wish she was blind.  I'm not being mean, I just wish she was blind so she could know me.  My grandmother is constantly disturbed by me and almost everyone.  She is disturbed by fat people, by ladies who don't wear hose, by women who wear high heals, when hair is too long or too short, or too straight, or too curly. She doesn't like nail polish, to much make up, and skirts that are to short.  She is bothered by flip flops, jeans, and any shirt that is lower than a turtle neck, (ok that was an exaggeration, it can be a normal t shirt, but not a v t shirt).  Ask me how I know all this, I hear it every time she sees it on me or anyone around us.  This morning she complained about how girls today only play with their hair and make it look bad, instead of doing needle point. 

I realize that I can't make her happy, I just wished she was blind. Maybe then she wouldn't be so disturbed by everything and could know me.  When I saw that man tonight and when I thought of Dr. Shive I instantly realized what I had struggled with.  See today and everyday, my hair is not right.  I was wearing heals, with hose (but they were patterned so I might as well be not wearing any). I spent to much time blowing dry my hair and getting ready. I come upstairs and the look in her eyes said it all.  She is critiquing instead of seeing me.

I feel sorry for her.  Sorry that she is missing out on a granddaughter who loves her. Missing out on the opportunity to know me.  This sounds depressing, but I'm not! I think the realization that I feel more comfortable around blind people says something.  I have a new goal.  I hope one day to be free enough that I feel the same around people who are blind and those who are not!  The problem is not my grandmothers critical nature.  The problem is not what other people are thinking.  The problem is that I think about what they think!  I want to get to the place where it matters so little that I don't think about it!

I do want to care about how I look, to take the time to do my hair and put on make up.  I even want to do more to take care of my outward appearance.  I want to value myself enough to care about what I am wearing, etc.  I care how I look, I just don't want to care what others are thinking.  When I sit down to breakfast with my grandmother I want to see her!  If I am thinking about all of her rules of dress I am breaking, then I am not seeing her. Then we are both consumed with my looks.  She will most likely always be consumed with  disgust, but I don't need to be consumed with her disgust too!  She may be critical, but I don't need to be thinking of her criticism!

More than anything I want to see Jesus.  More importantly I want to know him.  I don't want anything getting in the way.  I don't want my heart and mind consumed by anything that is not pleasing to him. I can hear Him, my creator, in the voice of a good gospel song leader saying, "That is right! Don't listen to her or anyone, that is right! You need to listen to what I think!"  

"The LORD your God in the midst of you is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over you with joy; he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17

124- Naked

Don't worry it is not what you think!  I am naked while fully clothed!  Today I was having lunch with a very special long time friend.  While talking I started to cry.  (I know what you are thinking.... yep that sounds like Beth)  I know I cry, I know when music touches me I get weepy.  I know when a child of mine, or anyones child gets up and praises God, I cry.  I know when I preach, I cry.   One could say I cry easily, but recently it is so much worse.  Sunday when I arrived home after running 5 miles, Chris asked what my average pace was and as soon as I started to tell him, I started crying.  I was so happy, so relieved!  While watching a video about the race, I saw a picture of a mother and daughter running and I started to cry.  Today, what I was saying was not that big a deal, but I started crying.  I told Sondra that recently I have become much more weepy.  I feel raw.  She said something brilliant.  She said, "perhaps it is that you are naked, without all that crap you used to carry around." 

I have thought about being naked before, but naked from the stand point that I try to be very blunt and honest in my writing.  Not holding back.  When she said that today, it rang true!  I do feel lighter,  I feel more alive, I feel more in touch with my feelings, I feel free.  All of this I have longed for for so long.  I still have a ways to go but I'm getting there.

Today, we had finance committee and they approved my budget which gives me an intern for the summer.  The intern will be Becca Anderson whom I love and whom I know will do a terrific job.  As I left the board room and shut the door behind me I did a silent happy dance.  You know the happy dance like Julia Roberts does in the Pretty Woman movie.  Well that was me today, in the office, in front of all the student workers.  They thought I was crazy.   I was almost as excited, that I did the happy dance without thinking, as I was about why I was doing the happy dance.  Then the very next moment tears were filling my eyes and the students were completely perplexed.  It was the first time I have ever done a spontaneous happy dance.

Things are changing for me.  I am not wearing as much (C) as I used to!  I am not playing in it, cherishing it!

So tonight I am praising God that I am a little more naked.  Thanking God for taking me on this journey.  I am thankful for the moments when I feel wrapped up in a huge, soft, plush white terry cloth  robe.  I cherish the moments when I can smell the fragrance of the lotion.  It is amazing how beautiful life smells when you are willing to wash away the (C). 

A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." Matt 8:2


A forty two year old woman came and knelt before him and said, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me  clean"  Thank you Lord for working in my life, for the softness of the robe and sweet smell of a life with you!

123- Finding Joy!

I have been up for 14 hours, going non stop.  I had 3 hours of sleep last night so needless to say I am ready to crash.  This morning as I got ready to face a long foggy drive, a day filled with meetings, phone calls to return, and students to work with, I thought of when Paul says, "consider it all Joy".  Consider it all Joy has been in the back of my mind. 

I took the time to call my parents as I drove (helps to keep me awake).  We had a wonderful conversation.  Daddy told me about flying to Texas to help my niece find a church she would feel comfortable in. Her mother, my brothers ex wife is a lesbian, and Suzanne wanted to find a church that she could take her mother.  Not an easy thing to find, which is sad.  So my dad flew to Texas to visit with pastors and churches to see if there was any church that would welcome her.  He found one!  Believe it or not, he found one.  He then proceeded to describe what a powerful service it was.  Listening to him be so moved about simply finding a church where my niece can attend alone or with her mother was powerful. I found such joy in listening to my fathers passion.  Listening to him fight for anyone.  I was impressed!  JOY JOY!

Then was able to have a lunch meeting with a group of people I really enjoy.  Joy!

Spend a few minutes with a friend... JOY!

Work with students as they practice music to praise God.  JOY! JOY!

Had several conversations with potential student families.  JOY!

Found a possible solution for keeping track of people.  JOY!

Said hello to the grandparents who are looking so good. JOY!

Enjoyed a piece of Fresh Apple Pie in bed :) JOY! (Shhhh)

Tonight I am so grateful for the scripture that was in my mind this morning.  So thankful for the concept that even when things are terrible, because we serve an amazing God, who likes to do things in ways that don't make sense us,  we can do the impossible which is to consider it all JOY!

122 - A, "Wow.... Really", Moment

This morning I awoke with an unrelenting thought.  The thought was this, if I am running with my girls, I need to do all I can for this to be a great experience for them, and I know Anna would love to dress up and if we are a team then we should all dress up. (For those of you who don't understand, the Princess 1/2 Marathon is a run where many of the runners dress up.  There are lots of  tutus, tiaras, full princess costumes, and lots of all things girly!)  However, I can't begin to tell you how much I don't want to dress up.  I have always hated the idea of dress up.  I don't care if everyone is doing it, I don't want to look like someone else and I could not think of anyway possible to dress up "princessy" and still be me.  The unrelenting thoughts of my girls desire to dress up,  finally got me out of bed to get my computer and try to get this thing figured out.  After breakfast with Chris and kissing him goodbye, I settled down with my computer. I came up with a couple ideas, called my girls, we talked and made a decision.  I am not going to share all the details, you will have to wait for pictures.  Lets just say we are all very excited!  Talk about stepping outside of my comfort zone!

Later thinking about the race, I again started getting worried.  Then I thought of my brothers and said, "I sure wish I was like my brothers who one day decided to run a triathlon and the next day ran it. Why can't I have their genes"  Then I thought, "Wow really.... I DO have their genes."  I have just never tried to do anything major and physical.  But seriously I do come from the same parents.  I can't tell you how many times I have wished I was like my brothers and my sister.  They are talented, handsome/beautiful, adventuresome, frankly good at most things they try, just wonderful! I can distinctly remember events, when I would sit back and look at my family and wish I was like them.  The sad thing is.......... I am like them.  We are family and very similar.  I have just not valued myself enough to see the similarities. So today, driving home I actually yelled at myself and proclaimed out loud that I am just like my amazing siblings and I just need to realize that God created me with all kinds of abilities and if I don't acknowledge them, I am dishonoring Him!  Becca Anderson posted on her facebook this wonderful quote, "By respecting yourself, you're respecting God".

So tonight I am acknowledging the genetic basket I was given by God and am honoring Him by doing so.

Tonight I am setting down the (C) of  being so stiff,  I can't dress up and be silly!

121- Alone and counting my blessings

Earlier today I went for a run.  I am falling desperately behind in training for the half marathon which is coming up very soon.  So today was incredibly important.  I have been the most concerned about the time issue.  For this race you have to maintain a 16min. mile average, or they will pick you up and carry you to the finish line in a truck!  I have been very concerned because I am very very slow.  So today I down loaded a new app for my phone that tracks distance and will give you your average pace every minute. I was terrified.  I start the warm up by walking two minutes. Those two minutes, my average pace was around 19 min. miles.  I was so discouraged, in just two minutes.  I just kept telling myself, don't get discouraged this is just your warm up and I knew it would be bad.  Then I ran for a minute, walked for two, ran for one. At the end of the second run my average time was an 11min. mile.  I was convinced that it was a mistake.  Then after walking up a very long hill that took several minutes, my time was 12 min.  Still very good.  Instead of being happy, instead of feeling great, I spent most of my five mile run sure that the app must be wrong.  I was dreading the end of the run, because I was sure the time was going to be drastically different.  I was sure it was not possible that I had done that well! Convinced! So I get home, do the calculations (because I don't trust the app) and it was dead on!  I ran 5.1 miles, averaging 13.13 minute miles. Then I was angry.  Angry that I used so much energy being  completely convinced that I was so much worse than I was.  I am not doing that any more.  That is some (C) that I am going to wash off once and for all.  I have never run a half marathon and I have no idea how it will be but I will just move forward and do my best.  End of story!  No (C) allowed on my runs!!!!!!


Tonight Chris is staying at the church to help out with Room at the Inn, a program where homeless men come and stay at our church.  It is a way to help get homeless men out of the cold.  At one point this afternoon when Chris was packing up and headed out the door I was sad. We are together so little that I was wishing he wouldn't go.  Then tonight as I sat by my fire, in my comfy chair, eating delicious food, I thought how incredibly selfish that I even for a second didn't want to give up my husband to help out with getting men out of the cold and off the street.  Seriously, how selfish and  self centric! 

So tonight I am reminded of the most important part of this process. Turning my focus to all things true and good! After all to live without the (C) there has to be something in its place.  So tonight I am going to count my blessings. 

I am thankful for my husband, who loves me and knows me!
I am thankful for my children.
I am thankful for a warm home.
I am thankful for a fireplace.
I am thankful for health.
I am thankful for food.
I am thankful for the ability to run!
And most importantly...I am thankful  to have a relationship with Jesus Christ!

120- Beautiful Things

All this pain. I wonder if I’ll ever find my way. I wonder if my life could really change at all. All this earth. Could all that is lost ever be found. Could a garden come up from this ground at all.

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around. Hope is springing up from this old ground. Out of chaos life is being found in You.

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

 My brother and his family band played this song for my niece's baptism.  It was a beautiful thing .... :)  Today I had a beautiful thing happen.  An unexpected, beautiful thing.  Today as I was leaving church, a beautiful woman, a beautiful friend stopped me.  Just last week, she had asked to be included in the blog.  She proceeded to tell me that she has not been able to stop reading and how it has been a blessing etc.  We had a very special moment.  She was crying. I was crying.  May not sound beautiful, but it was! She affirmed me. She ministered to me!  We connected.  Mind you, she has always been someone I admire and has inspired me to walk proud.  She is a woman with a beautiful glow about her.

So after leaving church, Chris and I were having a conversation and I realized that I was really struggling.  Struggling with what to do with her affirmation.   It makes me uncomfortable.  Part of me wants to shut her down.  Tell her she is crazy.  To not accept it   I also want to be able to just accept it and to tell her thank you.  My struggle is simply this, where is the line between "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might..."  versus,  "Before his downfall a man's heart is proud, but humility comes before honor" Prov. 18:12 ..  For some reason, the knowledge that we must be humble keeps me from trying to excel. Wanting to be humble keeps me from accepting affirmation.  Yet I know, we are to affirm each other.  Since we are to affirm each other, there must be a way to accept it without being prideful!

I heard Barry Black talking about hearing a gifted speaker and then asking God to help Him become excellent.  He was determined to not be just OK but to be excellent.  The greatness he saw in the other speakers was their ability to deliver a powerful message without being tied to notes.  He wanted to be able to have eye contact and still deliver a powerful message.  Here is the dumb founding part for me.  After relaying this experience, he told this beautiful story of how God helped him to become excellent! It was uplifting and the focus was on God, yet...yet he was acknowledging that he had excelled.  I don't know how to do that.  I was impressed with His determination to excellent.  I was impressed that he could acknowledge his gift, natural or learned, all while glorifying God.  If he had not been willing to share the story, to tell about his achievement, then he would not have adequately glorified God.  Yet, every time I even think about trying to excel - to really succeed, I coward.  I retreat.  I don't exactly know why.  I know it has something to do with feeling that if I am going to succeed it needs to be a God thing but that tends to translate, do nothing.  Which is stupid.  If I am working - if I am practicing - if I am searching for a way to succeed, it does not mean I am trying to be prideful!  Humility is the simple understanding that all is from HIM!

I write this and yet even as I do, I question it all. I have struggled with this post. I feel the need for it to be a theologically sound, scripture laden study. The reason is because even as I write what I believe, I hear things like, "You prideful b****," and a pile of other (C).  I think of the times my mother pushed off compliments people were making of me when I was young.  I think of the piles of (C) including insecurities, a fear of failure and general feelings of inadequacies that contribute to my inability to pursue excellence. I want to pursue excellence while making sure it all is done to glorify God.  I don't know how to do that. 

I believe:

God wants us to do great things for Him!
God will be glorified if my heart is connected to His!
There is a lot of (C) that has held me back!
He wants me to put it down and experience the possibilities!
Humility is acknowledging the source of all that is good!
Humility is not debilitating!
Humility is not beating up self, but selfless!

Today I believe it, now I just need to live it!

Today I want to believe what the words of this song say,  He will make beautiful things.... HE will make beautiful things out of me!!!!!  HE! HE! will make beautiful things out of me!" 

But whatever I am now, it is all because God poured out his special favor on me--and not without results. For I have worked harder than any of the other apostles; yet it was not I but God who was working through me by his grace. 1 Cor. 15:10

Enjoy my brothers families version of the song.

Steen Family

K-LOVE - JJ Heller "Your Hands" LIVE

119- Being made Well.

Tonight as with every Friday I am rather reflective.  Since I started this process on a Friday night I tend to be reflective about where I have come, and perhaps where I hope to go.  In the past couple weeks I have had many different people who read my blog exclaim that they are surprised at what they read.  Some have said it just isn't who they know, others have felt badly that they have not known this is how I have felt.  Each time I have heard something like this, I have am surprised.  Surprised because it is baffling to me that these feeling of aloneness, or insecurities of all manor are not written all over me.  I have been sure that it was obvious.  It feels obvious. 

Today, I read a post on facebook about Mrs. Grow who is fighting leukemia. I thought about her body struggling with this disease running through her body.  I realize she may look frail, but we don't see the cancer.  We don't see the cancer that is raging in her body. 

I may not always show the struggle, but the struggle is there.  I know the devil is trying to fill our soul, our mind, our heart with a cancer that slowly kills. I'm not being dramatic, I really believe that the (C) kills.  The (C) slowly eats away and kills.  The good news is this.  I really believe that keeping it in, trying to ignore it, not even realizing when it is there is what kills.  I know that I am more free, I know I am lighter, I know I am getting better.  I am a different person than the day I started this process.  I am healthier.  I am happier.  I am stronger. 

Tonight, I am sitting by the fire with my husband by my side. We have been listening to music, JJ Heller.  There is something very soothing about Friday night.  Something about setting it all down.  Setting down our stresses, work, school, whatever, and just focusing on God.  Frankly that is a little like what this process is for me.  I have been working daily to acknowledge it and set it down.  Just as there is a relief each Friday, there is a relief in my life as I work to surrender it to God and let go.  To focus on truth, not perseption. I really believe this process is healing  and for that I am so grateful!

This song says so much! I know I'm not alone in this process.  Enjoy and Happy Sabbath!


http://youtu.be/w-F6DGGF4Qs

118- Being Productive

So today I had a plan for the day.  Work on my room, do a little shopping for the closet and then go to dance class.  This morning I was hit with emails and phone calls that needed my attention.  At 1 I was finally thinking about working in the room.  Ate lunch and emails started all over again. I finally decided to scrap my plans and get huge amounts of work done.  I decided I would not stop until I had flyers designed and done, articles written, emails and phone calls completed.  Well, I missed dance class and worked until midnight.  I still have more to do but am certainly on my way to getting somewhat caught up. 

It is very difficult for me to be behind.  I tend to almost get frozen when behind.  I have a hard time doing anything.  I hate that and need to work on figuring out a way to get over that issue! I am encouraged tonight.  I know I'm not over the hump but I am at least climbing the mountain. 

I am exhausted, my brain is tired of trying to come up with words and my hands are hurting from all the typing and all the computer work today.  So I will write more tomorrow, but tonight I am headed to bed. 

Tonight finds me happy to be doing what is very difficult for me, climbing the mountain of projects that need completing.  There is something rewarding about doing what is hard, but doing it non the less. 

117- Not Alone

Today I have spent a lot of time contemplating last nights post.  My day started with my grandparents needing my help and derailing my plans for getting to work early.  Then after struggling to get the grandparents clean and ready for their day, I headed down to the basement and desperately needed Chris.  I had barely started my day and I was already behind.  I felt overwhelmed and  yearned to be home.  As I walked into my room I saw my phone and called Chris.  Just hearing his voice was wonderful, but then we had a wonderful conversation.  I felt connected, loved and even more desperate to be home.

I soon after headed off to work, was able to accomplish a lot, had a wonderful conversation with Beth,  an uplifting lunch with Tammy, Beth and Rick,  and was able to leave work in time to be home for dinner with Chris.  It was a great day!

On the ride home I took lots of time thinking about last nights post.  Thinking about what I can do to work on letting the walls come down.  I know it won't be easy but it is simple.  I simply need to start choosing to let the walls come down. I simply need to not put the walls up.  So how do I simply do that.  The only thing I know is that I have to be willing to be hurt, willing to put myself out there, be willing to be vulnerable, willing to let friends know when I need them.  I need to be willing to share the ugly, the beautiful, just share me with Chris. Alright maybe it isn't simple!  This could quite possibly be one of the most difficult things I have done.  At the core of so many issues I know aloneness is right up there. 

I need to make one thing clear.  I am not alone!  I am surrounded by amazing people who love me.  I am in a marriage with the most loving man who is completely engaged in this crazy process with me.  He has been willing to be vulnerable and open with me.  He hurts for me, wants to protect me and is relishing in better knowing me.  What an incredible gift.  I am blessed beyond measure, it is such (C) that in the midst of such love, acceptance and compassion I still feel compelled to put up walls.

Tonight I am praising God for all of my friends. I spent my entire young life yearning for a friend, begging God for a friend.  He has certainly answered my prayer.  I love you and thank you for being the answer to my prayers.  I am also praising God for a man who 22 years ago chose me and is still choosing me!  Tonight I am praising God for His answered prayers and want to honor Him by taking down the walls and relishing in the blessings He has provided.  How silly that I try to protect myself against the gift that God has provided. 

116 - Alone

Tonight I am pondering aloneness.  Being alone.  Feeling alone.  Then the opposite.... Being together.  Feeling connected. It is easy to spend time thinking of aloneness when you are alone.  While here at my grandparents I am in the basement.  That just sounds alone doesn't it? 

There have been many times when I have felt alone.  I remember feeling very alone as a child. I didn't fit in with most of the girly crowds, and the boys weren't interested in a little tomboy.  So I was alone.  I grew up with two amazing brothers, but they weren't interested in playing dolls, so I was alone or playing trucks in the dirt and alone with my desire to play house.  I felt alone returning from Africa, I didn't understand this place called adolescent USA.  It is a universe all it's own and I didn't understand it!  I felt very alone!  I have felt alone at Pisgah as a student.  I knew I was loved, had lots of friends, yet I was not really accepted in any of the clicks.  I was just welcomed in all, making  it.... not really in any!  After all if you were really part of one of the clicks you would not be welcome at any other click.  I remember crying graduation weekend when I realized how alone I was! I have felt alone in my family.  Perhaps the hardest one to write because I love, really love my family and I know they love me, but I have still had times when I felt so very alone! I have felt alone in grief, alone in joy, alone in misunderstanding, alone in idea,  alone in conviction, very much alone.  At times I have even felt alone in my marriage.

What is this aloneness?  Seriously what is it?  God said that it was not good for man to be alone and that was before sin came into play.  In a perfect world where Adam had no childhood issues, no (C) that he was having to wade through, God said it was not good for him to be alone.  Why? Sometimes we talk about craving alone time.  I have often wondered if I could go away and just be alone for a week if I would survive.  What would I do?  How would it be.  I find God's observation about Adam interesting.  First of all, I think when we read the creation story it is as if God saw the other animals with their mates and he had an "AHAH" moment.  It was like... "Oh wow, this isn't good, I should make Adam a mate"  "Why didn't I think of that sooner."   Seriously, give God some credit!  Do you really think it was an after thought.  I personally think that the God who is the alpha and the omega would have considered that before. I think the idea that aloneness is NOT good was so important that he intentionally highlighted it with creation.

I also find it interesting that in a perfect world, God was not enough. Yes you read that right... God was not enough!  How many times do we think, that as long as I have a relationship with God,  that is all I need!  Really?  Adam had a perfect relationship with God.  He could walk through the garden with him.  Talk with him, commune with him, and God still said, I am not enough, he needs someone else.  He needs to not be alone. God was not enough.  I know that there are times in my life when God was all I had.  God will gladly fill in.  He will gladly comfort us, dine with us, commune with us, but that is not a perfect solution.  He desires that we not be alone. 

I think tonight I am acknowledging that the aloneness I have experienced is NOT good.  The aloneness is not what God had in mind for my life.  He wants me to have close nurturing friends.  He wants me to be in a marriage where I am adored and where I am NOT alone.  He wants me to have deep friendships because that is GOOD!

Here is the deal.  Because of the hurt in past relationships I have often felt alone when I was not alone.  I have put up walls.  I have refused to step out.  The past hurts, have made me try to say, I am enough.  I don't need anyone.  I have mistaken my walls for strength, and independence.  Truth be told I have not been strong enough to be vulnerable.  I have not been strong enough to be needy.  Truth, tonight I am in my aloneness, realizing my desire to be needy.  Today, I missed a friend.  I finally texted her to see if I could stop by.  She didn't respond.  Then I sat there and pondered.  Perhaps she got my text but didn't want to respond.  Perhaps she was too busy. Perhaps she just didn't see it and would be happy if I stopped by.  I finally after much ridiculous (C) decided I need to take one more step to see if it would be possible to stop by.  So I called.  She said yes.  I stopped by.  Had wonderful conversation and felt more connected.  To all my friends, family, and to my husband, if I start acting like a needy friend, please be patient.  I'm just trying to knock down some walls. 

To my family, friends and husband.  My aloneness is a result of old wounds.   It is a result of walls I built a long time ago. It is not because of what you are or are not doing.  It is not because you should have done anything, or not done something.  It is only because of your unconditional love and support that I am even beginning to want to tear down the walls.

Tonight I am going to try to be strong enough to be needy! 

115 Baby Steps

Today I was able to share the concept of living without the (C) with a couple girls.  Today I worked hard to get less behind. There is so much to do it is overwhelming! 

I have frankly had a rough day.  I am just going to blame it on having to leave my husband.  Honestly, I dug into my room, have cleaned out a lot but had to leave in the middle of my work and that is unsettling.  I have found, thanks to many of you, in this process that I am a perfectionist of sorts.  I have also learned that I need to be content with baby steps.  It works great in the kitchen.  I am doing better with that.  However my bedroom is a different story.  It frankly seems pointless unless I can figure out a way to get it organized so that it can stay nice for more than a day.  It also is depressing because the cleaner it becomes the more you see all the construction stuff that needs finishing.  It is just hard to keep going.  I am trying to remember to just keep going. Trying to remember that baby steps are better than no steps.  I am trying to remember that even if it doesn't look good when I am done it is far better than (C) everywhere.

I think the same is true for the inside of me. So many times I feel discouraged, because I want faster progress.  I want to wake up one morning and be confident, giving, free and thin!  I want so much to be transformed completely.   I don't want to be forgiven, I want to feel forgiven.  I don't just want to be able to face my day, I want to go through it praising God!  I don't just want to do a good job, I want to look good while I am doing it.  :)


Here is the deal.  I realize it may seem simple, (make the room a financial priority) we just can't financially swing getting it done.  I know God wants us to put our money else where for the time being. Knowing that, I somehow have to be content with little improvements.  I have to be content with small doable steps, and those steps are terribly important right now.  Just the same, I must be content to take the small doable steps on the inside of me too!  I may not be thin today, but I can dress neat and clean.  I may not have everything together, but I can work to the best of my ability today!

Today is all about baby steps.  Trying to be content in the little things.  The little improvements, and know they ad up to be exactly what God has planned for me! 

114 Cleaning up from the outside in.

Today has been an emotionally charged day.  We have done lots of entertaining at our home in the last several weeks. In that time the main part of the house has been relatively clean.  Some days cleaner than others but over all it has been quite nice.  In the evenings between events, Chris and I have enjoyed time by the fireplace.  Fresh flowers around, candles etc.  It has been lovely.  However, in the midst of all this loveliness our room has continued to get more and more a mess.  To the point that today I decided it had to get cleaned.  If I am honest about it, my room is always terrible.  It is always the room where we throw things when people are coming over.  It is the room where I pile clothes, books and other junk.  My drawers are full of clothes I don't wear, and the drawers don't work well enough to use them.  The closet is a mess and the clothes I wear go from suitcase, to chair or laundry basket to suitcase.  It is really disgusting! Our bathroom is the last to get cleaned, I hate it!

So yesterday evening while talking with Chris about it I kept getting very emotional.  I really believe our homes, our houses are a reflection of us.  Not just our style, but our personality, our soul. There have been periods of my life where our home was a total disaster.  There wasn't one corner of organization.  There wasn't a clean dish, or clean pair of socks in the entire house.  I know you may find it hard to believe but I am telling the truth.  The ugly truth.  There have also been times in my life when all I did was stuff and hide the junk, the dirt and fake clean spaces.  Currently there are clean parts in our home, but our bedroom has remained a constant mess. 

When I shared my belief that our homes reflect us, Chris asked what I thought this said about us.  I have always had parts of the house that I would me humiliated if people opened the door.  The laundry room, the basement, sometimes the whole house but ALWAYS my room!  Sadly!  I think my life is the same, there are deep parts of me that I have hoped people would not know about.  There are deep parts of my soul that I have had a hard time believing could be open to the public, even open to God and not be shamed, or rejected. The process of blogging has helped to clean out many of those dark places.  It is what this process is all about.  Today I knew I needed to start the process of really cleaning out my room.  Once and for all it needs to be cleaned from one end the the other.  I need to get it organized,  I need to get it decorated, I need to transform it.  Sadly I don't have the funds to do it the way it needs to be done! But I need to do what i can do.  I need to get rid of (C), and do what I can to get things organized.  I started today.  I have a long way to go, but just like the process of learning to live without the crap in me, takes time, I am trying to be willing to give myself time, to work on the (C) in my room. 

Today I was very emotional about our room because I know for years we have left it to last.  We have not finished the room, we have not decorated the room, we have not put money into our room, because all the other needs of our family have come first.  I feel the same about myself.  I have often kept myself busy with other peoples issues, while ignoring my own.   The connection made this a very emotional process for me. 

Tonight, I am happy to have started one more way of living minus the (C).  Tonight, I am tired from the emotional nature of the day, yet thrilled to be working.  Tonight I am thankful for a husband who has loved me in spite of the piles of (C) that have affected him for so long!  Tonight I am filled with gratitude and a cautiously optimistic spirit.  Looking forward to a life with a whole lot less (C) in it!

113- Sabbath is a Happy Day

This morning getting out of bed was quite difficult!  I was sore, tired and emotional.  Not quite sure what all was going on but with the help of a loving husband, I made it to church by 7:30am to practice for the early service.  I was leading music with arguably the most talented musicians we have at our church.  I have to confess, I struggled with (C).  I know I was tired, I know I was emotional, but I also know I struggle with feeling like I am a second rate singer/musician.  This morning I tried to set it down, to let go and just focus on praising God, but it was a struggle.  I have not been singing much and it was not smooth or easy.  The good news is that God is willing to take our imperfection as beautiful praise.  It was a huge blessing to sing with Didi, Sam and Carolyn.  It was a blessing to worship God with my church family.  There were many blessings, I just wish I had been able to worship without worrying about the (C).  If nothing else I am determined to continue surrendering to God and letting him take this life and clean it!  I am looking forward to the day when I can sing with these amazing musicians and not be thinking about keeping up, but thinking about looking up! After all it should never be about me, what I do or don't do, but about praising!  Again, the good news is God blessed in a mighty way, not only the music, but the entire service.  To Sam, Didi and Carolyn, it was an honor! 

Then Gary Moyer preached an amazing powerful sermon about.... what else.... the importance of relationships!  The importance of living in harmony and pursuing peace.  It was a beautiful reminder to work on really loving each other and letting go of self.  I was blessed! Then as we were leaving I was able to hold Ian and make him laugh! (Ian- Sam and Didi's son)  There is nothing as precious as a laughing baby!

Then home for a delicious lunch, fire in the fire place and a very long uninterrupted sabbath afternoon nap. It was such an incredible nap, I can't begin to tell you.  Then Chris and I went out to dinner with another couple from our church.  It was a fun date night. 

Tonight finds me trying to accept my musical limitations, to find the truth.... without (C)! To remember that God does not need perfection, he just needs us to be willing. 

Tonight finds me thankful that I am in a relationship with a God who is patient with me and understands this process better than me.  I am thankful that today he could take me, riddled with (C), and still make something beautiful!  Oh what a God we serve!  Oh what a blessing the relationship is!

112- Prayer

Tonight Chris and I hosted a dinner at our home for a group of friends/ or church family members.  It was a time to get together and eat, fellowship and pray for our church.  We had a soup and homemade bread pot luck that turned out very good! The food was delicious but what I want to write about tonight is not the food, or the preparing, but once again the importance of friends and openness. 

Tonight we were asking that this group of individuals pray with us for the next 40 days.  To pray for our church, to pray for our pastor, to pray for our own hearts and attitudes.  In the process of talking about the strong need I see for our church to be open and accepting, I felt impressed to share something that is incredibly difficult for me to share.  In fact it is so difficult it is something that I have yet to feel safe enough or bold enough to share here.  So tonight as I sat on the ottoman in front of the fire sharing, I felt like I was free falling.  Who knows what will happen, what will their reaction be, what will they say?  I wanted to not stop talking so they wouldn't have the opportunity to chime in.  I was terrified.  However I knew two things.  One, I knew it was time to be real, and two I knew on either side of me were people who had my back (so to speak).  Everyone was very nice to me,  and it was wonderful being open!

So here is the deal.  I realized after sharing that there was a lot of (C) associated with being quiet, there is a lot of crap associated with any secret.  Crap about what people would think if they knew.  I can remember when my grandmother would say terrible things about her niece.  She would bash them for being terrible house keepers, no she bashed them for being pigs!  Living like pigs!  Being filthy and fat.  I can remember the first time she openly was talking about them to my mother in front of me.  I was 6 years old and we had been cleaning for what seemed like weeks for her arrival.  I remember feeling shame.  I remember hoping she would never find out that the clean house she was visiting was not the house we usually lived in.  After all to get it to look this way we had been working for ever!  My room was normally a mess.  I found myself identifying with my grandmothers niece and taking on the (C) she was spewing.   I remember thinking at 6 years of age, how important it is to keep the "dirty" us a secret! Don't let anyone see it because if they do see it they will think you are a pig.  I have spent a lifetime of hiding the "dirty".  Anything that I think is going to be unacceptable to others and sadly I am still doing it! 

Tonight, I was reminded and convinced that letting others in, turns on the light and makes the issue have less power.  Obviously I don't know what people are going to do with the information they heard tonight, but I am trying to just let it go and believe that if God impressed me to tell then he has got it under control.  I may feel some what more vulnerable, but I certainly feel more free.

Tonight was not about telling our "dirt" it was about coming together and praying and I am so thankful for prayer. It is only through the power of Jesus Christ and prayer that makes it possible for the dirt to be cleaned out of the darkest corners of my life.  It is only because of prayer that I can free fall and still feel safe.

Tonight I am letting go of the (C) that told me I need to keep the "dirt" secret.  That I can only share the "clean" me. 

111 - Fun Number

Tonight is one of those nights when I could write for ever, so I want to write nothing at all.  There is so much I could right about.... the continued importance I am discovering, in having meaningful relationships.... the struggle I keep having to keep this real and not worry about what people are thinking.....the struggle to get things accomplished.....insecurities in doing music.....longing for heaven..... so happy to be content to listen and watch instead of read....Dance to or not to do.... home again, it is where I should be.. rainbows.....

All of these have filled my mind and begged to be blogged about and yet I am not sure I have the energy to blog about any of them.  I am home it is late and all I want to do is climb into bed next to my husband and have him hold me. I think I may be having one of those menopausal moments when I am just tired, moody, and wanting nothing more than to be held.  Perhaps it is that the list above is so long and most are quite deep, which means this mind has been working over time today on deep and important issues. 

Since this is supposed to be about living minus the (C), I am going to do a little exercise to help me put down some of it.  This will be a short exercise in proclaiming the joys of the last couple days. To take a moment and see the beauty that is around me. The most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen.....

Friends.... my God children.....my husband....thinking about the possibility of working with Becca....a great sermon to start the day....delicious food.....my grandmothers recovery.....safe travels...... cheep gas.....a fire in the fire place....prayer....a kiss....plans.

There is so much more but for tonight I am counting these blessings and praising God for what he has done for me.  Not because I feel all joy filled, but because I don't! 

110- Question

So tonight finds me with a question.  The question is about my dance class.  I love it!  I know I need it!  I just have a very hard time making it!  I have been working on my schedule from now until summer and it will be very difficult to make dance class!  This week I have been questioning whether or not I should continue.  I am trying to not let (C) creep into this decision making question.  How can the thing I knew was so important for me to do, be so impossible to do?  Is it lack of commitment?  Is it being sensible and deciding I can't do it all?  Is it that I am not comfortable enough that I am finding any excuse to not go?  Is it that I need to breath and taking one thing off my plate would help? 

So many questions so little time!  It is at times like this that I know how much easier it would be to make decisions if I didn't have to identify and wade through crap! Just one more reason to let it go.

Tonight I have to say I am left with nothing.  I know the dance class, though hard to go to, is good for me in many ways.  When I go I feel good about doing something that is physical, good for me and good for this process of emotional healing and growth.  On the other hand just getting myself there is creating anxiety. The anxiety comes from just feeling like it is one more thing I have to do, it is one more appointment, that it is taking time from my husband and my work, it is taking time from my friends and my church.  Yet if I don't go, I feel bad about paying for and being part of a class and yet not attending.  I have lots of anxiety if I am unable to make it.  I hate calling to tell them and if I don't I feel like I should have!

So tonight, I don't know what I am supposed to do except pray and hope for clarity.  I am supposed to go tomorrow night, I am supposed to practice at church, I am behind in work, and I left my ballet slippers at home.  I have no idea how to get it all done and be there.  So once again I struggle!

I will pray! Pray about when is too many good things just to many!  When do I say no so that I can say yes? Tonight I need to pray for the ability to identify any (C), the ability to set it down, and then the willingness to make the decision He wants me to make! 

109- Friends

So I have been lying here trying to decide what to blog about.  For a moment I considered not blogging at all, but I know tomorrow I would regret that.  There is something wonderful and amazing about trying hard to stick with something.  It is pretty rewarding and though I have been far from perfect at this process I am trying to let go of the failures and keep moving forward. 

I finally decided tonight I would write just  a bit about friends.  Friends don't have much to do with Crap, or at least good friends don't.  Good friends encourage, good friends uplift, good friends give me courage and really good friends make the crap just crap and so much easier to wash off. 

Today I had the privilege of spending time with a wonderful friend, Beth.  No not me, another Beth. There isn't anything profound to say about our time together, it was just a wonderful time.  We didn't solve the worlds problems or even ours but I just really enjoyed our time together.  Reflecting on my day, there is definitely crap I could tell you about, (nothing I have not already written about many times before) but this blog is supposed to be about living Minus the Crap, and today the minus the crap part of my day, was spending time with Beth.

If you want to live minus the crap spend some time with a good friend, who knows you and still likes you! In my childhood I had a terrible time with friends!  I was often the third wheel, shunned, left out.  I remember being hurt a lot by girl friends.  It made me gravitate toward the boys.  Not as boyfriends but just friends.  Girls hurt me way to often and their stupid petty ways wounded my soul.  Yet after having a terrible childhood, with a string of failed friendships, in my adult life, I have been richly blessed.  Friends have helped me through some of the darkest times.  Friends have helped me celebrate the biggest joys.  I feel very rich in my friendships.  Lavished upon and what a blessing it is!

So tonight I am reminded of how important these bonds are with the women in my life! There are many of you and I love each one. (I would start naming them but am certain I would leave someone out and I don't want to do that)  You know who you are! You know I love you!  I appreciate you walking this road with me!  I appreciate the simple joys of just being together.  Thank you for being the minus the crap part of my life!    

108- Christmas Vacation... OVER!

I head back to Pisgah in the morning.  Vacation is over.  I was reflecting on my vacation and it was amazing.  Filled with gatherings with people we love, fun and lots of work!  Left school, to start vacation and started working to get ready for our weekend at the Beach with the Andersons, then home to get ready to go to my parents for Christmas, then home to get ready for our New Years Eve party, then get ready for the Agape Feast.  Now it is time to go back to work.  I am excited about getting back to work.  Seeing the students.  Getting things checked off my to do lists.  But as always I hate leaving my home and more importantly the man who makes it home.

So I have been thinking and talking a lot about last nights post.  This is the deal.  This blog has given me just a little glimpse of the healing that can take place when we are able to to open about who we are, what we like, and what we struggle with.  This has led to me wanting more than anything to be able to be really free.  Free to share without fear of what those in the church think, or what anyone thinks.  (Maybe I'm going through a teenage rebellion :))  JK.  I don't want to waist energy worrying about what anyone else thinks.  I have plenty to do just praying about what Christ thinks and wants. If my church or any church is going to be filled with those who are critical of others than it will not be an environment for the Holy Spirit to work on their hearts. After all it is very difficult to listen to the Holy Spirit if they are thinking about what everyone else thinks.  Example:  I love nail polish!  I have always loved nail polish.  Before New Years Eve I went and bought some dark gray, (looked black) nail polish to match my party outfit!  I love, black, red, or french manicure.  I just think all three can look so classy.  So I painted them "black" and have really enjoyed it.  Then came the agape feast and in the hurry and rush to get everything done I didn't have a change to change my nail polish.  I sat at this amazing Agape feast and I was thinking about what others were thinking, and if they saw my nail polish.  Such (C)!  I was trying to keep it hidden from the conservatives.  I knew I shouldn't been thinking about it, I tried not to, but knew that any other color would have been fine, but black, they were going to think I was gothic, or any number of terrible things.  Mind you, I don't think there is anything wrong with it and before God I was fine, it was the critical people that I was worried about. There was no room for the Holy Spirit because sadly my mind was only on others (C)!!!!  ERGGGGG!

I am growing very weary of that (C).  I need to be concerned with coming before God, about being His child and representing Him as I should, NOT what the criticals' think!  My allegiance needs to be to Him and only Him. After all, if I am thinking about what they are thinking, I am not thinking abut HIM!  If I am worried about how they are perceiving me, then I am not thinking about what my Savior has done for me.  So tonight as I prepare to go back to work, I took off my nail polish, (not because of the criticals' but because of school rules), I am going to do my best to live openly me.  I am going to do my best to let go of the worrying about what others think and be willing to boldly be who He wants me to be. I also want to make sure that I am part of the solution for the criticals in my church by being a safe place.

107- Sad

Yesterday we found out that our pastor is taking a medical leave of absence. We are praying for him and hoping he returns soon, but understand the reality is that it may not happen soon.  The news has created just a sadness that should be explained this way.... In our church there have been growing challenges, growing struggles around the same issues every church deals with.  For years we have been so at home in our church.  When stress in the world has been escalating our church has been a constant place of refuge until recently.  Recently it has not felt so safe.  If has felt like a place where we are constantly trying to be changed, not by God or the holy spirit, but by other members.  Criticisms of each other seems to be growing all the while everyone keeps talking about we need more unity.  It seems the more unity is talked about the farther and farther apart we become.  With the news that we don't have a pastor for an unknown length of time, I have just felt sad.  Please understand, I understand and am happy our pastor is taking the time to work on his health!  I am happy that this is available to him! I am praying for him and his wife!  I am sad because I don't feel at home in my own church!  I don't feel like it is a safe place anymore for me.

I don't want to start a fire storm of gossip about my church.  I just had to be open.  Each of us struggles with things in our lives that are NOT public to the world.  Each of us has struggles that we would rather not share with the world.  Frankly each of us has struggles we don't even want to admit to ourselves.  I know that in this blogging process being open is important.  I know I have been quite open about a lot of very personal things. That was the point of this blog. But even in all this openness, there are still things that I have not shared.  Even in trying to be as transparent as I can be there are still things that all of you don't know.  Some days I just want to blab it all, to just scream to everyone every single struggle I have or have ever had.  The problem is this, I can't!  Even in this "safe" by invitation only place I can't share everything.  If I can't share it all in this, by invitation only place,  I certainly could never be completely transparent in my church. 

Why is this important.  Well today I am afraid my church is becoming less safe.  Less safe when we need to be becoming more safe!  We need to be going one direction and I feel like we are going the opposite direction! In this process of blogging I KNOW that being open is so important to growth, to healing, to learning to KNOW my Savior.  A safe place is vitally important to our growth and yet for some reason the idea of a safe church seems to not sit well for so many in our church.  It is more important to them that we indoctrinate instead of embrace.  Indoctrination is more important than introduction to a loving Savior. 

So why is this subject important to this blog about me letting go of Crap!  Well, tonight I am filled with sadness, filled with a feeling of discouragement and I don't know what to do with it other than write it down.  Other than to share it and pray for a transformation in my church as well as in my heart!  I know that I need Him to transform my life!  I know I need to have a spirit of willingness, a spirit of cooperation, and not of despair!

106- Love Feast!

It amazes me how no matter how many time God shows me that with Him all things are possible, I still doubt, stress, and fill my mind with ridiculous (C).  How is that possible?  I was filled with worry, doubt, and anxiety about getting the Agape Feast together.  I didn't take the time to get myself ready the way I would have liked! I didn't have everything planned before going to sleep last night, so it was a sleepless night!  So that is all the (C).  What was reality?

Chris calmed my fears, quietly and lovingly assisted me the entire day!!!!!!! Friends helped out!!!!!! Friends talked with me while I decorated!!!!!!!!!!!! Everything came together.  It turned out beautiful and delicious! What a blessing the entire day was, from the preparation and set up, all the way through to the clean up, it was one blessing after another. 

I am so tired tonight, that I am just going to say this.....

Tonight I find myself more in love with my husband! He knows me, hears me, helps me, calms me, and enjoys it all!  What a guy!

Tonight I am reminded to recall all the ways God has blessed in the past, when worrying about the future!  He has given each of us so much evidence of his working! He has over and over shown us His love, and when I am doubting, I need to look at what he has done in the past and let go of the worry (C)!  He's got this!!!!! (As Andrew would say!)  He's got this and I need to stop giving the worry (C) energy!

Tonight I am so appreciative of my church family!

Tonight I am exhausted and snuggling down! GOD IS GOOD!

105- Happy Friday Night!

Happy Sabbath, Happy Friday night!  I love Friday night!  I am still waiting for the family to get home.  It is just be for 6pm as I start writing this and I am sitting almost stunned at my day!  Stunned in a good, yet how did that happen sort of way.  It started out just as I had planned, getting up early, starting to bake homemade bread for lunch and tomorrows agape feast! Then anxiously awaiting the arrival of Didi and her amazingly beautiful little children.  We were going to have a quiet morning with bread  baking in the oven and little ones running around.  Then I texted Carolyn and asked her if she would like to come over for some coffee.  To make a long story short, next thing you know I have a kitchen full of friends, making lunch, homemade ice cream in my new blender, and demonstrating bread making!  Then after Carolyn, and Didi had left I still had another guest who enjoyed sitting and talking for a while.  It was all such a delight but certainly not my original plan.  Then at 3:00pm the house was suddenly quiet and still and I started trying to figure out what all I needed to get done before tomorrow for the agape feast, tomorrow night.  Just as I start collecting my thoughts the phone rings and it is a room mate from high school whom I have not spoken to in years.  This past year her mother died and lets just say there were deep conversations to be had.  I just got off the phone with her minutes ago.  So it is official today was all about FRIENDS!!!!!!! What an unexpected blessing! It truly was a blessing!  ..... (Chris just got home.... I'll write more later......)


Back again... We have finished our rice and raisin supper and I am back to blogging.  So nice to talk with Andrew, Anna and Chris about their day.  Missing Sarah, but thankful to almost have our house full! 

Today started with my devotional from "Made to Crave" (gave the wrong title yesterday! oops sorry!)  it was on the story of the rich young ruler. Of course we have all heard it, but she focused essentially are we willing to give up the gluttony of food for Him.  Interesting thought that I have been contemplating all day.  (Not whether I would be willing to give it up but what else may I need to give up for him.)  I have been contemplating the simple idea that truly what our Savior wants is for nothing to come in between us and Him.  He doesn't want our relationships, our work, our food, our exercise, our health, our religion to interfere with our relationship with him. Nothing! What means the world to me, where are my riches and am I willing to let go?

Today as my quiet little gathering kept getting bigger and bigger, and phone calls kept me longer away from my work, I just kept thinking that perhaps today was not supposed to be about my plan! Perhaps today was supposed to be about connecting, about serving, cooking for others, and enjoying every minute.  One thing I was reminded  of was the importance of holding a baby! Holding a baby can sooth you like nothing else, holding a baby reminds you of promise, hope, and the amazing gift of life.  It humbles me and reminds me how we are all here to care for and love each other and without that we are really nothing.

I struggled with C today, but I am not going to list it all!  Today I struggled but set it down and tonight I am thankful for the amazing friends I have, for their beautiful children, for their encouragement and love for my children, and the joy they brought to my life today!  I didn't get a chance to go running, or get my work done for tomorrow night, but it will work out and I know that God knew I needed today more than any amount of productivity!  So to the beautiful ladies that had a part in making my day a special one, Thank you!!!!!!!

Tonight finds me letting go of Crap and focusing on the blessings of friendship
Tonight finds me willing to let go, of whatever it is God wants me to let go of!

Day 104- Reflecting and Refocusing

 I looked back at Day 3, and found this list.  It has nothing about getting thin,  it has nothing about loosing lots of weight.  It is about learning to be healthy, and that is it!
I am trying to get refocused by looking back at where I have been, where I wanted to go and how I am coming.  I don't need to worry about the pounds but the quality and the health of what I am putting in my body. 

1.  Fresh food
2. Vegetarian
3. Food must be colorful
4. Keep food as much in its natural form as possible
5. High calorie food must be high quality (desserts should be homemade with good ingredients etc.)
6. Eating out...pay more eat less ( make sure to eat in quality places)
7. When eating what others have prepared for you... JUST EAT and enjoy!
8. Sit down, and toast! (make the meal an experience, light candles, enjoy conversation!)
9. Whole grains
10. Don't eat fake sweeteners or fats.



Along the same lines, I have been very discouraged about the running. (Or the lack of running)  I have been just depressed and feeling defeated about it! Every time I have gone recently it has just been bad.  I am dying after 3 miles and I can't seem to increase speed and I am barely keeping pace at a 16 minute mile. Today I spent quite a bit of time looking at the process of the race, thinking about things like drinking, peeing etc. and frankly dreading it, feeling like it isn't possible and this is going to be the most humiliating experience. Then tonight I stopped in the church to look at decorations for the Agape feast I am working on and Susan asked me about how training was going.  I gave her a quick and flippant comment hoping that it would go no further.  But she wouldn't let it go.  I finally got very honest and told her exactly how terrible it is going.  She then started asking me lots of questions.  (For those of you who don't know Susan she is marathon runner)  To make a long story short, she was so encouraging and frankly helped me break down what I am doing and has made several suggestions to try.  One of which is to slow down!!! Go figure!!! Looking at the stats in my phone, she deducted that my runs are way to fast, making the walk portion a painful recovery.  Her suggestion is slow way down on the run and then try running longer.  Essentially get my run and walk times closer together.  She also talked about my hydration, and nutrition and discovered that I am running dehydrated and void of sugar.  I tried to joke about this body having plenty of energy to pull from and she ignored my stupid fat girl jokes and stayed serious.  It was a wonderful God send conversation and I can't wait to go running!  I look forward to trying some tricks, to finding a comfort in this process. To working on what works for me and not worrying about what everyone else is doing! 


Today I am excited about all that has taken place and look forward to tomorrow.  


I also read my first devotional from Born to Crave and it was wonderful!  I appreciated the reminder to crave my Savior.  I am encouraged. 


Tonight I am setting down the Crap of fat girl jokes!  I must stop!!!!


Tonight I am setting down the Crap that tells me I can't.


Tonight I am setting down the Crap telling me I am not worth nutritious and delicious food.

Tonight I am setting down the Crap that says food comforts me better than Christ!

103- An Example

So today I have struggled with this hold idea of my weight, etc.  I have done lots of reading, thinking and praying.  I have come to a conclusion.  At the risk of sounding like I am giving up, I have decided that I will not let weight be an issue!!!  I don't think it is physically, mental, or emotionally healthy to obsess about weight.  I know I have done lots of it since I was young and it has not been working for me. 

Today I signed up for devotionals, and a webcast for "Made to Crave".  It is a book Carolyn gave me and Beth also talked about,  that is about craving God instead of food.  About letting him fill holes etc.  I think it will be good for me and I am excited to read it and start participating, but the focus for me will be on the craving God part!

I am going to keep working on running and exercising but not worrying about weight.

Today I ate a huge plate of lettuce with cold leftover lentils on top and enjoyed it very much!  I know it was good for my body and I liked feeding it with nutrients and  good protein! However I also enjoyed some instant homemade ice cream made in our new Blendtec blender.  Why am I telling you this... I'm not sure.  Just thinking about this subject brings up so much Crap for me I can't even begin to tell you!  Honestly working on this part of my life will be the most difficult thing ever.  Not because of the hard work of loosing weight but perhaps the hard work of being willing to stay just as I am.  I am not convinced at this point that going through everything it will take to significantly change this body is good for me.  Saying that  is like opening up flood gates of Crap for me.  I know how it sounds and what many of you must be thinking!!!! However, I can't!!!!!.... I must not!!!!! worry about that! At this point I am feeling very convicted that I need to do exactly what I believe is right  and that is to worry about everything else in my life and work on living a healthy God craving life! If that results in some weight loss fine, but for me perhaps the harder work will be accepting myself just as I am. 

Today I was reminded of when I felt convicted that I needed to wear a wedding band.  I knew I needed to, I knew it was right for me and yet I hated the idea that I would in the eyes of many conservatives look like I was back sliding.  I was starting down the slippery slope of leaving the church.  (I realize how silly that sounds today but it was a very real and genuine fear.)   I finally came to the conclusion that I could be an example of someone who was not the stereotypical badventist.  (Please don't anyone think that I think wearing jewelry of any kind makes you a badventist! )  At the time I knew I could be an example of someone who may wear a wedding bad but who is still a shining light for God. 

I guess after much contemplation I believe that I will at this point strive to be a person who perhaps dispels the stereotype that if you are heavy you are lacking self control, you are unhealthy and you are an emotional eater.  I just want to work on being a healthy person for Christ, and let this body be what it is.  Perhaps it will change and I will end up skinny!  I won't complain!  I will not let my weight be the primary focus of my life.  It has dominated to much for to long, my heart, my insecurities, my soul and I am done!!!!! I am going to try to daily look in the mirror and declare myself a beautiful child of God! I am going to spend time each day treating this body to water, nourishment and exercise.  I am going to spend time everyday learning more about how to Crave God! About how to be the woman he would have me be.  I am done with the CRAP!!!!!!! that says if I had it all together I would just be skinny! 

As I am sure you can tell from this post I have been struggling with way to much Crap today and I am tired.  I am ready to go to bed, ready to start another day tomorrow.  I did not live today minus the crap!  I spent today fighting it and I'm glad the day is over. 

Tonight, I am trying to be content just as I am.

102-Interesting day

Well today has been the first day where I have not had something pressing to do, and where I was home by myself for most of the day.  I struggled more today than any other day this vacation.  Several factors have played into the struggle with Crap.

First, even though I gave myself permission to have a PJ day, I just kept struggling with feeling guilty about my lazy day.  I struggled with (C) like, "you are reverting, this process really isn't changing you that much, after all, it has only been easy when people were around, etc"  I kept trying to put it down but there is no question the struggle was much greater!

Second,  I have been asked by our pastor to organize an Agape feast at our church this sabbath evening.   I am excited about doing it, it is fun doing something creative, and yet all the old insecurities of long ago keep coming back up.  For example, I always felt like people only saw me as creative, the decorator, the person with fluff but no substance.  I remember all those old feelings and it has been hard today not taking them on again.  I know it is (C) but I have so struggled with it today. 

I have been somewhat productive working on the Agape Feast, sending emails, calling our pastor, and spending time just planning and thinking about what I want to do and how. (Simply the fact that I felt compelled to tell you this shows the struggle!)

I know that today I learned a couple things.  1.  It is so important to keep praying and to not let my guard down.  It may be easier but the (C) still keeps coming up and I need to keep asking God for his strength to put it down. I need to keep Him close and present in mind.  2.  It is harder when I am alone and I don't think that is because I am weak or a looser... (C).... but it is harder because when we are surrounded by good people we have additional strength.  We were not meant to be alone.  When the people around us have Him living in their hearts He is tangibly with us.  When I start to say or think something and Chris holds up his hands in the shape of a C..... it is easier to not even go there.... Or when Becca does the same.... or when other friends say something..... tell me to put it down.  Being alone makes this more difficult, and that doesn't make me weak, but simply blessed by the people around me.  This gives strength to the argument that if we are willing to be open with our struggles to those we love and trust perhaps it would make the struggles easier to overcome. It goes to show that keeping struggles to ourselves strengthens the struggle.

Today finds me, thankful for those around me who have been willing to walk this journey with me.  Today finds me realizing the vulnerability of this process gives me strength.  Funny how that works!

101- The second day of the Year

 Well as this year starts I have two struggles that I need to deal with.  I know so are 99% of all those who set New Years resolutions, but it is something I must work on regardless.  The whole point of this blog was to deal with the way I eat and exercise and that has not happened.  I also know that I have blogged about needing to make it a priority and that still hasn't happened.  Today I was thinking about how many times I have struggled with the house and how out of control I have felt in that area and how much easier it is getting.  I know the success in that area has to do with letting the Crap go.

Sabbath I had some unexpected guests and as the woman was talking about her crazy cleaning Friday, I was looking at crumbs on my floor.  I instantly started to be critical of myself and instead just listened to her story and let it go.  Later after the party with stuff everywhere and the floors quite dirty I was so thankful I not gotten everything clean before the party and so thankful I had not wasted time and energy piling Crap unnecessarily on myself.  The lack of crap has really given me more energy.  I fell more energized and free.  It is all making the issues with cleaning so much easier and the house is getting clean!!!!!

I am praying that somehow this process will also help in the area of diet and exercise. I feel discouraged and overwhelmed in this area.  But I do at least have the hope that if this journey has helped me in the area of my house and in so many other areas perhaps in God's time it will help in this area of food and exercise. I hope!

100- 1st Day of the New Year!

So I completely forgot to blog! The first time I just completely forgot! Sadly it was on the 100th day and the 1st day of the year! I am sad that I missed the opportunity to blog on the first day of the year and the 100th post, on time....ergggg.....

Well, I am not going to add Crap just because I forget, so I will write the 100th post. 

I think forgetting in some ways is good news.  I was having such a delightful time with Chris and things were finally quiet, I became completely occupied by a movie and talking with Chris about our New Years Eve party, and the quiet we were enjoying.  It was so peaceful blogging just never entered my mind. Crap never entered my mind!

So the first day of the new year and I have completed 100 days of blogging.  That is pretty impressive for me.  I can't think of anything that I have done more consistently. It might sound funny writing that on the day I forgot to blog. However, I am proud of doing this for more than a couple weeks. 

I have been reflecting on some of the changes. 

1.  I have been getting things done around the house on a much more consistent basis.  The last several days I have been trying to put my finger on what it is that has made the difference.  I know I just feel lighter, I feel like life is not as overwhelming as it has been.  I have not been all or nothing.  In the past I would feel the need to completely finish everything and if I didn't have the time or energy I just did nothing.  I have been successful in just working for a few moments here and there and not feeling the pressure to do it perfectly and completely.  It has made a huge difference.  For example, this morning when I went into the kitchen there were dishes from last night that needed washing and just stuff everywhere, left over food, etc.  I wanted to make healthy food today, and knew I needed the kitchen cleaner.  So I just started washing dishes, Chris came in and helped, I put away party items, threw away an old plant that has been struggling for years, I wiped down counters, cabinets, and before I knew it the kitchen look wonderful.  I did more than I had planned but was enjoying it.  I would never have done that in the past, because it seems over whelming but today I just said, I will do a little.... and it ended up being much!

2.  I am not a dancing woman yet!..... but I did do a cookie dance at the New Years Eve Party.... I took hot chocolate cookies around as I was "dancing" and waved them under everyone's noes trying to entice them to take a cookie.  Sounds stupid, and it was.... that's what I am so proud of!  I would have never been free enough to do that in the past!

3. I have noticed a huge difference in listening and accepting the Crap!  I don't automatically say it, and if I do hear it or feel it I have been very quick to identify it for what it is and put it down.!

I am thrilled, and look forward to the 265 more days.

99-Happy New Year

Well it is officially 2012, and we have successfully finished hosting a New Years Eve party.  We had 23 people in attendance, plenty of food and good times had by all!  Chris and I are exhausted and praising God we had our children young, I can't imagine this party in 10 years. 

This has been a very long day and there has been so much I would love to blog about.  For example, I had the sermon this morning in two services.  It was supposed to be just 10 minutes or so, and I was asked to talk about this topic of living minus the crap.  Of course I couldn't say crap. I needed to have some order to my talk and I wanted to have scripture etc.  Last night I tried to study and prepare and it just didn't happen.  I woke up this morning and had people to feed, a shower to take (in between all the extra showers that were taking place) and a house to have ready for company.  We had found out just last night that we had another family coming for Sabbath Lunch.  Not a big deal but the house was quite messy, with teenagers hanging out and dropping stuff everywhere, and this family has never been to my house.... a perfect set up for Crap! I fought it and set it down.  then my shower was at the last minute, making it necessary to put on make up in the car on the way to church, I also realized the jacket I put on had a stain on the front.... another perfect set up for Crap! I fought it and set it down.  Then was blessed so much by the music, the kids did such a good job.  I stood up to talk, turned around to face my church family and instead found a former pastor (someone, lets just say that I have had issues with) and a host of conference workers, I felt small, scared and in another perfect situation where Crap could have over come me....(REALLY!, could the crap field be any more ripe?!?)

I will say this, tonight as I welcome in the new year I am thrilled to be where I am, thrilled that this new year finds me better off than last year.  At least this year I am aware of the (C)!  I smell it, see it, and there for try to avoid it and wash it off.  I am so thankful tonight for a Savior who yearns to give me what is necessary to give me true freedom from the (C)!  I am so thankful for a Savior who promises Rest if we will just come to him!  I am thankful for a family that I like.  I am thankful for a husband who works tirelessly with me on a party and still wants to kiss me at midnight!!!!! I am thankful that this new years eve I am looking forward to finishing this journey and being in a very different place next year!