Day 38 Cont...

Just found this a few moments ago and just had to add it.  If you have not read the first post for Day 38, read it first.  Then you will understand how much this meant to me.  Can I just say, God is good.  I had already put down my computer to go to sleep.  Picked it up, (for no reason) and this is what I found.  Praise God from whom all blessings flow!  I know one thing for sure.... He has been working in a mighty way in my life, yesterday, TODAY! and always. 

http://www.the1project.org/what-is-jesus-all.html

Day 38

So last night was a terrible post.  Mostly I was tired.  We had traveled all the way from Collegedale to home and I was just exhausted.  That is one reason.  The second is I was too tired to really look at what I was dealing with.  It isn't that I consciously was saying to myself  I was to tired to write the truth.  I just know this morning driving to Pisgah, I was thinking about my inability to post anything meaningful last night and wondered why.  Was it that there was really nothing going on, no (C) to deal with, nothin'. I discovered this..

I knew that the day had been an emotionally charged day.  Mostly good, with family and friends, but there was some intense feelings, I had not blogged about. I have been feeling a sad sense of disconnect from the SDA church establishment.  Here me out....  I have always, as far back as I can remember loved my church.  I have not been under any illusion that it is perfect, but I have loved it.  I needed to love it.  After all our family dedicated our life to working for it.  My whole life has been surrounding and intertwined in the SDA church.  I have had family members leave because of various reasons, I have understood, not been critical of them; however for myself this church has been a refuge.  If I have seen things that were a problem, I have always had the attitude, there must be something I can do. After all a church is made up of people and I am one of those people, so what can I do to make it better!  I loved being apart of our little church in Charlotte, and the journey of going from small and struggling to bursting at the seams.  I enjoyed the process of struggling with each other on different issues and yet always coming together and working as a family!  I have always felt like apart of something that is huge, something that matters.

In 1985 I went to the GC Session in New Orleans at the super dome.  I was in highschool.  This event just made me so proud to be part of a world church.  I had grown up in Ethiopia, traveled around the world, been in many different churches and should have understood the magnitude of our church and yet seeing us all together in one place gave me a beautiful visual of how global we were, it was a profoundly moving experience.  I remember thinking at the presessions for pastors, they needed to have meetings for their kids. They needed to have a time for all the pastors kids to come together. I even wrote a letter to the GC making that suggestion.  I felt like I was apart and should be heard.  (I noticed at the last GC, they have meetings for the pastors kids at the presessions.)  Going to the GC session in '85 really strengthend my pride, or conviction that I was right where I needed to be.
 
This past GC session in Atlanta, I was so excited to go again.  I took the MPA recruiting team.  I left just sad. I felt like I didn't fit and I didn't want to.  It isn't that I am not a Seventh-day Adventist.  I am. I just felt like the church was not going forward but backwards.  I felt like it was trying to go back to what I had been before all the growth and transformation I have experienced in my personal relationship with Christ.  I don't want to go back, yet to be apart to feel that pride and connection, I feel like I would have to go backwards.
Before you all think I have gone off the deep end, that I'm leaving the church, nothing could be farther from the truth. I am just struggling with figuring out how I reconcile the change in me, I know is because of my relationship with God, and better understanding his grace and his love for me, with the direction our world church seems to be going.

This has become all the more an issue recently.  After returning from GC in Atlanta, I remember telling Chris I was glad we had our church.  I know the global church may seem to be going backwards but our little church is not that way.  I have always felt like our little church has been different, a refuge.  This past couple weeks, even that has been challenged.  I have seen us struggling as a church with issues that have hurt me, angered me, frustrated me and just baffled me.   I am not going to get into specifics.  For those of you who are in my church, I still love our church and am earnestly praying that somehow, someway we figure out how to become a stronger unit, a stronger family because of the discussions we are having.  I know with God, all things are possible and we can get there.  I know there is much he wants to do in my life, and much I have to learn.

Sabbath, we listened to an amazing sermon by Litchfield.  He made some comments in his sermon, I agreed with and seemed so clear which also described some of what is going on in our church.  It made me sad.  Very sad.  In the past when hearing those types of comments, I have felt like it was in other places, but not in our church.
 
I guess combine what happened at the GC session in Atlanta and what has been going on in our church in Charlotte, and I am feeling lost.  Feeling like I don't know where I belong.  This morning when I realize all this and that this is what I was struggling with but didn't have the energy to blog about last night I was very emotional.  Emotional because I realized what a huge deal this is.  Critical.

I am as SDA as they come.  I remember when Chris decided to work for the bank.  I was lost and terrified.  All I have known was church employment.  I didn't know how to interact, how to be the wife of a bank worker.  Feeling like I don't connect or fit with the church that I have so dearly loved is terrifying.  The saddest for me is this, the feelings of disconnect are a result of growth which I know is a result of what God has been doing in my life.  If I want to be connected I would have to give up what God has given to me and I can't do that. 
I realize this is very cryptic feeling based.  Frankly the specifics and the issues are unimportant. I'm just scared and I was too tired to face all this last night.

So now for today... Yes this is kind of two days in one...

As I was driving up to Pisgah, emotional after realizing the above, starting to doubt myself.  No starting to doubt what God has done in my life, I was dealing with all kinds of (C). I was questioning my convictions, my new understanding of Jesus Christ.  Then, I got an email.  Yes I was driving, (no one was around, it was a straight stretch of open highway, somewhere in SC) but I opened the email and it was from a dear friend (and blog reader) with a link to a song.  My phone was already pugged into the radio system, so I just clicked on the link and listened to an amazing song I needed so much at that moment.  It was such a beautiful thing.  It was the perfect song and the perfect time.  There are many things you can take from the song but for me this morning it was this.  I needed to remember,  He is walking me through this process.  HE is what matters, and He will someday make it all right! I wasn't so emotional, I wasn't as terrified.  He is still working in our church and in many churches of different denominations around the world.  He is still working in my life and in the lives of people in every continent and if I am willing He will finish this work in me and HE will finish this work in our church. He will wipe away all the (C) and give us all robes, (white and fluffy of course :))

Then I felt so impressed that I needed to call Sarah.  I hesitated because I had nothing important to tell her, but I just could not stop thinking about her and felt like I needed to call.  So I did.  We talked about nothing important but in the conversation she asked what I had for breakfast. I told her nothing yet and she said, "mom you need to stop and eat".  I knew she was right but felt compelled to push on toward Pisgah.  For sometime it kept bugging me.  I struggled with my determination to get to Pisgah at a certain time with knowing I needed to take care of myself and eat a good breakfast of real food.  When I stopped for gas at exit 75 (paid $2.76, yippee) there was a Denny's.  Now I have only eaten at Denny's a couple times and would not associate it with healthy food.  However, I decided to stop and eat.  They had egg white scramble with fresh spinach and grape tomatoes, fresh fruit and an English muffin.  It was colorful, nutritious, I sat down, enjoyed people watching, gave a large tip to the grumpy waitress and enjoyed her reaction and the smile and cheery attitude that followed.  I got back in the car and called Sarah to thank her for being the voice of truth.

I arrive at Pisgah and had a wonderful conversation with a parent, which ended in her telling me she was training for a half marathon and she needed to go running.  We compared notes and decided to go running which we did at 4.  Had another conversation with another parent who later told me the conversation was an answer to prayer.

It was one of those days when you just know HE is walking right there with you.  He was guiding and leading the entire day.  I know His presence was with me, and I know he is excited to be the most important part of this journey.

I will end this, way to long post, with a couple links.  One is the song that started the process of putting my focus in the right place today! Thanks Idaia!

And the other is a song I found later.  Music is so healing for me.  Music can turn my focus heaven ward in a matter of moments. Today it was a huge part of helping me to be conscious of His leading and direction. 

Day 37

Day 37, I have completed 10% of this journey. :) That is something

Today has been a very blessed Sabbath spent with family and friends. Chris and I were able to be with all three of our children, friends, each other.  We were blessed by a wonderful sermon, that challenged me and encouraged me.  Chris and I had wonderful conversation driving. We had three delicious meals.

Today was a wonderful reminder that it is so much easier to stay away from the (C) when spending time with people who I have a connection with.  Friends and family are invaluable in this process. The smiles, good conversation, seeing Christ in each other, experiencing joy of companionship all helps in keeping all the space filled with what is good.

Pastor Gary,  I thank you for reminding me of the importance of those connections.  Today was a wonderful example of how powerful and enriching those connections can be.  It was a good day.  All I can say is I really appreciate everyone who contributed to the rich Sabbath blessing.

Day 36

You know how smells can take you back to your childhood or a moment or a feeling? You know how hearing a song or seeing a place you haven't been in a while takes you back? Tonight, Chris and I went to a JJ Heller concert at Southern. Being in this part of the country always takes us back, back to the time where we fell in love.  With that, I discovered tonight, comes some (C).  This weekend is also Southerns Alumni weekend.  That means it is possible, or likely that we will run into old classmates and friends.  This is a wonderful bonus, but as I was getting dressed for the concert, and doing my hair it was far from a bonus! I kept thinking about all of my husbands old friends, and what they would think of his choice in me. O.K. what I was really thinking was "I hope I don't embarrass him".  Chris dated a lot! He dated major beauties. Coming back to this place that holds so many wonderful memories also brought up a lot of insecurities. Now 42 with lots of gray, will I be the one they talk about when they go back to their rooms?

Here is the good news... I realized two things tonight.

First: How much easier it will be to not go to that place, thinking about what they are thinking and saying if I am NOT TALKING ABOUT OTHERS!  After all.  The reason it is so easy to hear them talking about how I have let myself go is because I have said the same thing too many times about others! Ouch!

Second: When the thoughts come, when I am fighting with the (C) it does work to stop, tell myself NO, and then replace it with Truth!
Tonight the truth was, He chose me! Better yet he still chooses me, loves me, adores me!  He likes my gray! We are more in love today then when it all began! Tonight the truth was, I needed to ask for forgiveness, for all the times I have spoken unkindly of others.  Tonight instead of spending the ride in the car on the way to the concert thinking about all the (C) I was reflecting on the joy that started in this place and the JOY that is still in this relationship.

The concert was then such an amazing experience! JJ Heller has a voice that is so clear.  Forget the saying "clear as a bell"  it should be, "as clear as JJ Heller's voice".  The clarity and purity of her voice reflected the clarity that I was able to listen, having let go of the (C). All of life is muddled when my mind is filled with (C). How nice to listen to the clean crisp voice and the powerful message in her music with a heart and mind that was clear too! What a blessing it was! It was so good to be there with my girls and my boys, and of course my man! 
 

Day 35

Today has been such a great day.  Perhaps just a little glimpse of what life can be in the white robe! It started by making my grandparents breakfast.  Just a simple thing, but as I was cutting up grapefruit and setting the table just as they like, (grandfathers glass on the left side of his plate so he can see it, grandmothers on the right side because that is where it goes etc. etc.) putting out the raisins, the one banana, I couldn't help but realize how much I enjoy serving those that I love by making them food.  It was an act of love, pure and simple.  I then heard the voice telling me that I should not use food to love etc... but really... God shows us love, by giving us nourishment in such a delicious way. After all he didn't have to create delicious food.  Instead we could have just hooked up to some hose in the sky and gained all the nourishment needed.  He didn't have to make food so many colors and so many flavors.  What a blessing food is! What a joy! What an experience to dine on decadent flavors, textures, and colors with loved ones.  The whole idea that I shouldn't show love through food is (C).
Then I headed out the door at 7:15 with my cousin Geoff.  We put his bike in the back seat of the car and headed to the West End Bakery for some coffee and fresh baked yummyness. As we were ordering they brought out a tray of, straight out of the oven, cinnamon rolls.  Now I will pick cinnamon rolls over almost any dessert and these were made from scratch, hot out of the oven perfection.  Geoff right away picked up on the fact that I was drooling over them and suggested we split one.  That was the perfect idea.  They were about 6 inches in diameter. Huge and wonderful.  We had our coffee, cinnamon roll, and bagles, but best of all we had great conversation.  Geoff is a shiny guy! He is so filled with joy about life. It was as refreshing as the crisp fall morning with all the beautiful colors highlighted by the sunshine. It was the perfect way to start the day.
I then headed back to the grandparents to make sure they found and ate breakfast OK.  They were just waking up, so I helped them get to breakfast and then cleaned up. Then off to work.  I worked hard, was able to be creative, work on Christmas cards (love Christmas), and accomplish a lot.  Picked up lunch for the grandparents at the cafe, dropped it off at their house and then took two guys out to Chick-fil-A.  We enjoyed conversation and shared blessings. It was a great experience.  Then back to finish my projects at work. Back at grandparents to make them a yummy and very healthy supper.  We had, white bean and kale soup, with whole wheat toast topped with fresh avocado and fresh tomatoes. It was a colorful supper. We sat in their kitchen looking out the window at the beautiful maple trees as the last of the sun danced through them.  Oh what a feast the food and the view was.
I know this process at times has seemed like a real downer.  Me fighting with piles of (C).  Today, I felt surrounded by a God who has such deep affection for his creation that he filled this world with beauty in nature, beauty in the human heart, and beauty in food.
I have been preparing for my trip to Collegedale, TN where I get to spend the night with my lover in a hotel ;) and where I get to listen to JJ Heller sing, and where I get to see all of my children.  I was listening to JJ Heller and came across a song that really spoke to me. I am posting it too!  I hope you enjoy.  I hope this finds you releshing in "True things".

JJ Heller "True Things" LIVE

Day 34 People...(C)

Last night I was so tired, my blog just drifted off with me! So here is a little bit of a continuation.

So after contemplating this whole idea of perfectionism, I have tried to spend the day making sure if something was overwhelming to stop and just make myself start or get what I could get done and let go of the rest.  It worked.  I had a very busy productive day. Brought my grandparents food, ran some errands, wrote an article, picked a theme for Academy Days and had a wonderful conversation with my cousin Geoff. It was a day of doing what I needed to do, yet finding small moments in time to soak up the joy of connection.

It was so nice talking with my cousin! Such a delight.  He is an intelligent warm man.  It was really a special time.  Family is so much fun.  We are so different, Geoff and I, and yet mutually love and respect each other.  Our conversation was uplifting and energizing.  I love connecting with people! There is something profoundly revitalizing about conversing, sharing ideas and stories. It gives me strength. When I feel close to people, I feel stronger.  When I am around people who are filled with joy it lightens my heart. 

I realized tonight there is some (C) in my life disguised as people.  That might sound mean, (I guess it is), but there are people who just like to fling (C). They seem to wear it, find it and can't wait to share it with everyone around them.  I am going to try my best to be willing, to let them go.  I am not going to feel guilt at not nurturing the relationship.  I am not going to think I can fix it.  Most of my life I have believed, I needed to figure out a way to stand there while they sling the (C) and not get stinky.  Or I wanted to clean them up, while they continue to accept more and more of it.  I can't clean up anyone else s (C).  I can't surround myself with people who like slinging it and not stink myself.  It is not to say I won't at times be around (C) slingers but I don't need to stay!  Gossips, negative finders, rigid finger pointers and such do not need to be part of my everyday circle of friends.


Tonight I am thankful for my friends and family that would rather sit around in white fluffy terry cloth robes, with sweet smelling lotion, after a wonderful shower , than to sling (C) at each other in an enclosed area. It is so helpful for me to look at it this way.  When people are gossiping, being critical, talking bad about others, I have a hard time walking away.  I have a hard time justifying removing myself.  However if I were literally in a room and someone picked up (C) and started playing with it and slinging it around I would tell them to please stop, and if it didn't stop I would most definitely LEAVE!  Thank you all who read this blog, for being those people that energize me. Those who pray for me, even call me out when I'm slinging (C).  You are such an amazing part of my life.  I appreciate you all! 

Day 33

So last night I headed to bed, spent some time praying, listening, waiting, hoping to have some insight into why I struggle with those days.  This morning I woke up, said a prayer, spent some time with my man, cried a little (I hate saying good-by). Packed for more than a week away from home and headed out the door.

Still no brilliant insight...

Then I get an email from DeeDee, such a sweet email.  She shared her own personal experience of realizing she was a procrastinator and a perfectionist...  There was that word again.  Perfectionist.  As I posted very early in this process I have never considered myself that because I have this view of what a perfectionist is and I don't fit it.  After all a perfectionist has a perfect world... Right!?!  Yea, not so.  I know I blogged about that earlier but I really believe that is part of my problem.  See when I say I need to do laundry, I am not just thinking about laundry.  It is the laundry, sorting and organizing my drawers, cleaning out the closet. Making sure the drawers have liners in them. Making sure the laundry room is clean and in order, and so on and so on.  It sound ridiculousness to write. But all of that is in a split second, a moment.  It all flashes before me and leaves me crushing under the knowledge that there is no way I can do it all.  So I do nothing! I mean what is the point of doing my laundry if there is no clean and neat place to put all the clean clothes. What is the point of folding clothes if there isn't an organized drawer to put them in. 
So what on earth do I do with this new revelation that I might be a perfectionist. If it is true, that completely changes everything I have ever thought of perfectionists, and myself.  A lot to think about.  Falling asleep, so tired tonight.  I'll write more in the morning.Goodnight. 

Day 32

Perhaps it is a let down after such a wonderful weekend. Perhaps it is just struggling with (C), but today has been a difficult day.  I had a hard time getting going.  Doing the things I needed to do.  Spent the morning on the phone working, (MPA work).  Spent the afternoon, doing more work and a short nap. I just had a hard time.  These are the days I need to figure out. These days seem to happen to frequently.  I have had a hard time putting my finger on what is wrong.  I did get work done, but for the most part had a hard time feeling motivated.  Planned to run...didn't.  Planned to get all the beds washed and remade...didn't.  Planned to get all my laundry done..didn't.  Planned to get a couple projects done for work...did.  Planned to work on my speaking flier... did.  Planned to cook a wonderful dinner for Chris...didn't (went out).  Planned to spend time with God...did pray, didn't read.  Planned to call a friend...didn't. 

These are the days I struggle all kinds of negative thoughts about myself.  The issue is, is it (C) or is it truth that I need to use to make a change?  I'm not sure.  Perhaps I expect to much.  Perhaps I'm lazy.  Perhaps I'm struggling with issues that make it hard to be motivated as I should.  Perhaps, that is just an excuse.

Tonight I am going to head to bed and spend some time in prayer.  I don't want to use this process to excuse bad behavior. Tonight, I am not going to beat myself up, but honestly reflect on what I did and didn't do. I want to search my heart, without shame.  I want to search my heart, letting Christ guiding the search. I'll let you know tomorrow what turns up :).  

Day 31

I am angry tonight! Angry that it is so easy for me to doubt what God is doing in my life.  All day I have wondered what I was going to write about.  It was such a beautiful weekend.  Wonderful time with friends, family, MY KIDS!!!! A wonderful church service, great music from "my kids". A moving sermon that challenged me! Then today the house was crazy quiet.  I decided early on that today was going to be a day of relaxing without guilt.  I was going to take a nap, watch some TV, just rest.  I did! It was glorious. 
It is now 11:22 and Chris came to bed talking about an email that he was needing to answer.  There were statements made that made me angry.  Then I realized the statements were making me question the Sabbath blessing I had. The very blessing from the word of God.  I am not going to go into detail here because I will not give anymore airtime to what was being said.  I just want to proclaim this.  God is working in my life in a powerful way! I have been challenged! I am learning, searching and desperately desiring to live an authentic life for Him!  I want to be a living example of what a Christian should be.  I am far from perfect but I am not going to question, or tear apart what I know He is doing in my life. I don't want to deny Him tonight or ever.  I will not question what He is doing in my life!!!! I will not let what others say take my attention away from what He is doing! I am so grateful there is change happening in my life, so thankful I serve a risen Lord who is in a very real relationship with me and that relationship is changing me! Daily!

Day 30

30 days of writing, 30 days of praying, 30 days of living, 30 days of changing! I started this process on a Friday because I wanted to start it at the beginning of a Sabbath.  Sabbaths mean the world to me.  They are such a special time.  I love time praising God, spending time with God, spending time with family and today it has been such a wonderful day.

It started this morning with a still small voice.  There is something about that time when I am just waking up, just starting to gain consciousness, that I seem to be more aware of the Holy Spirit.  Maybe it is because at that time, my voice, my thoughts are not awake yet, not awake enough to get in the way. In that moment this morning, the events of the previous evening and the remedy, were made very clear. 

Last night MPA praise team was coming to Charlotte in preparation to lead worship at our church for both services.  They were supposed to meet the AV guy at the church to practice at 6pm. To make a very long story short, when they thought they were minutes away, they were in SC and hours away.  They had gone the wrong direction. When they finally arrived in Charlotte, about 8 hours after leaving Asheville (a two hour drive) they decided to stay at a friends house instead of driving another hour to the Kendalls who had prepared their home for 5 kids. I was so upset. I knew the AV guy had wasted several hours of his Friday night waiting for them.  The Kendalls had cleaned, made up extra beds, purchased extra food, and then no one showed, leaving their three children very disappointed.  We were all talking about them being inconsiderate etc.  We were all thinking this was such a terrible thing.

So this morning as I awoke, the still small voice made it clear that this was not about the kids being so bad but the devil trying to keep them from being the blessing that He had prepared them to be.  I know the devil does all he can to disrupt us from praising God.  I then spent sometime in prayer and asked if there was anything we could do.  It seemed very clear, we could also invite the Kendalls to come over for lunch. It would be a nice way to say thank you for all they had done, plus give the kids an opportunity to be with the students. I hesitated knowing that I was doubling the number of people I had planned food for, but felt very confident God would provide and multiply. 

I felt profoundly sad that last night we had not stopped and prayed for the team instead of getting irritated! Why is it we are so quick to get irritated with each other instead of praying for each other.  We had lots of justification for being irritated, or did we.  How different would our hearts have been, are attitudes toward them, how different if we had just stopped and prayed.  Stopped and lifted them up to our Lord.

I went to church excited to receive a blessing, and I did! Their music moved me and in such a poignant way emphasized Christs love for me. Their music was a perfect compliment to the pastors sermon.  It was such a wonderful Sabbath.

The lunch and afternoon was also such a blessing. Several of us came home after first service and everyone pitched in to get food ready and even some dishes washed.  It was amazing how much was accomplished to prepare for the MPA kids.  We even had time for a game of flag football with the Kendall kids and the Grissom Kids. It was a very special moment.

Several times during the day I fought with (C).  I was inviting people home that had never been to my home, and the table had not even been cleared off from supper last night. Mark asked to help Chris bring in drinks from the garage.  The garage is one of those spaces I like keeping closed, hidden, even from me! I cringed. However, Becca, Carolyn, and Chris all at times knew what I was struggling with and gave me words of encouragement.  Becca at one point said quietly to me, "just put it down".  She was right, and I did.  So much of this process is just stopping, just letting it happen, or being willing to be real and authentic! I can pretend my house is cleaner than it is by not letting Mark into my garage, but that is not being authentic, or real! Guess what, even after seeing the garage, Mark didn't take his family and run away.  Addies mom didn't leave when I welcomed her to my far from clean home, infact she seemed to be encouraged by it stating that her husband wanted her inviting people home, but she had not been willing because their home was not perfect. She said before leaving she is going to try to step out and start having people over.

Most importantly today I became acutely aware of that time early in the morning when I'm not in the way and it reminded me of making sure I take time to be silent and let the Holy Spirit talk to me. Listening, really listening to his word, and the Holy Spirit! I don't want the only time he can seem to get through to me to be when I am only half conscious. I want it to be as easy for him to speak to me when I have 20 people in my home or while I'm driving.

It also emphasized perhaps the importance of starting my day with Him.  This morning after a few minutes with Him, what the emphasis of my day needed to be was clear! I have always preferred spending time with God at night. I won't stop my evening worship, but ad even if it is just a short moment in conversation with Him in the early morning. Tomorrow morning before leaving my bed, I want to take sometime to just listen.

Day 29- Happy Sabbath

Happy Sabbath! Friday nights are a blessing, but never more so than when my children are home, we have a fire in the fireplace, homemade potato soup, and pumpkin pies in the oven. Music has been playing and kids have been singing.
Today I spent time trying to practice, really living with out the (C).  I went to town, with Becca and spent time with Beth instead of cleaning my kitchen, (relationships more important than a clean kitchen). I ate good healthy food, but also enjoyed the potato soup with milk and sour cream without a bit of guilt. There were brief moments of regression when a group of teenagers dropped by unexpectedly. The state of my house was slightly concerning to me, however my family kept telling me to, "put down the crap".  I did! I have to admit I have enjoyed the company, the fellowship without stressing about what people might think of me and feeling surprisingly alright. I am expecting Sarah and her boy friend anytime and I still am rather calm about the state of this house.  I don't have all the cooking done, but we won't go hungry.  I know today, spending time with family, was the right plan for this day.
I feel calm.  I had wonderful, meaningful, connecting conversations with people I love and I am looking forward to even more tomorrow. 
I have a long way to go, but today I think I am perhaps a step closer to learning how to live in a clean white robe with sweet smelling lotion on, instead of holding onto a big old pile of crap!
To Andrew, Anna, Becca, Beth, and Chris I thank you for being the most important part of my day! I am very excited to see Sarah and Kevin when they arrive! 
"Wash me white as snow Lord. Free me. May I live only for you!"

Day 28, 2nd Dance Class

Yes today was my second dance class.  I will say more about that in a moment but first...

This morning I had a call from Cheri, who lives in Washington state. She wanted to talk to me about topics and themes for their womens retreat this coming spring. I had said I would send her a sample talk and topics etc. but she just called and we talked over the phone about the retreat and so much more.  It was a wonderful conversation.  She ended it saying she was going into a Womens Ministries meeting at the conference office and she would let me know by the end of today. Moments later she texted me and wanted to know what my fee was. 
At that moment all the confidence, all the excitement vanished for me.  I was instantly trying to snuggle up with (C).  My first reaction was to say "oh nothing, I don't need anything."  After all I'm not a professional, I'm just a fake, a pretender, someone who likes speaking, but I'm not a professional. (C) (C) (C).  Every number I ran around in my head seemed wrong.  $100.00, is that too low, too high, if I say $200, will they think I'm greedy.  If I say $100 do I look like the amateur that I am...(C) (C).  My head was spinning. I felt defeated, weak.  I finally remembered a web site where speakers listed their fees.  One of the fee levels was, "What ever honorarium is budgeted for the event."  I texted Cheri back and just said that I was fine with an honorarium.  Then I fought through more crap. I took a moment and reminded myself how this process is about living minus the crap.  I knew I was drowning in it.  So I took a moment and asked God to help me to have the strength to keep moving forward.  I asked for the strength to put the (C) down.  I asked for peace. 

A minute or so later I had another text from Cheri saying they had a budget of $500.00 honorarium plus all travel expenses.  Again, I instantly wanted to tell her that was more than I had expected, but instead I texted back as fast as I could, "perfect".   Over, right?  No, I spent most of the day going over and over it, questioning myself, so much so that I almost didn't want to blog about it.  After all what if you all think I am being greedy, etc, etc.  I reminded myself this blog is abut me working through these days and not about impressing you, so here it all is.

I am excited, and doing my best tonight to let go and look up.  To look to Christ to guide me and help me find the confidence to do His will. 

This very crazy day ended with a wonderful Ethiopian dinner with Anna, Becca, and Andrew. Then a stop at the church to look in on the progress of the youth room.  At the church I was happy to see friends, exchange hugs and then off to my second dance class.  This class was double in size (last week several people were absent). The class was fast paced yet fun. Last week I felt like I was just trying to not die. (Not physically but emotionally)  Tonight in class, I was more myself, open, and found trying to move fun! I found muscles I didn't know existed.  I found it more stress relieving than stress causing.  I met new women and felt like I fit in.  We are all unique, all different ages, all trying to figure out how to make our bodies do what our instructor is asking of us.  We all looked awkward, we all stumbled, but we were all moving and learning. It was a joy! I appreciated the ability to look awkward with others and be OK with it.  I know God created us to dance, I can't wait for heaven when it will be fluid, and truly a beauty to behold, until then I'm practicing :)!  Until that day I will be dancing in my imperfection and praising Him all the way!

Day 27

Today has been all about connecting! My girl is home! Spent time with her, catching up!  Had a wonderful conversation with my brother Jon.  A wonderful conversation with my other girl, Sarah.  Got a call from Becca as her and Andrew were on their way to Asheville. It was so nice to hear from them too. 

Right now I am watching the first game of the World Series. The Cardinals are playing.  24 years ago I was also watching the first game of the World Series and the Cardinals were playing. It was also my first date, with Chris. Today as I was looking for a picture to put in the girls room, I came across a picture of us taken that night. It took my breath away!  Not that we were so cute, or young.  It took my breath away, thinking about how that night 24 years ago we started the process of falling in love, and becoming best friends. That night all I knew was how flattered I was by his persistence, his attention to detail, his care of me. That night I had know idea I had met the love of my life. 

Chris has been a constant source of joy. He has loved me just as I am, forgiven me over and over, and patiently loved me while I clung to (C).  People always say you should want to change and improve for yourself.  Not others. I can honestly say, a huge part of this journey is for my man! Not because he is demanding, or asking.  I am wanting this journey to have a profound change in my life so I am free to love him more! As we sit here on the couch watching the game, (both on our computers :)) I am overwhelmed with love for Chris.  He is honorable, always kind, an amazing father, funny, unselfish, wise, creative, an amazing chef, an unselfish lover, and brave to support me in this journey. (Who knows what I might say next!) More than anything I am honored and humbled that he choose me.

When I saw that picture this afternoon,  I looked at myself in that photo and said, "wow you had no idea the great love getting ready to be yours".  I am thankful for the 24 amazing years! We are cheering for the cardinals...Yea they just won the first game!

Day 26

Today started at Mom and Dads with a wonderful homemade breakfast that was both delicious and healthy. I felt so loved and blessed to start my day with such a spread.  We had homemade oatmeal waffles with real maple syrup and scrambled eggs from her chickens. There was also homemade apple sauce and fresh fruit. It was a perfect way to start the day.
I then had the amazing privilege to meet with two schools and over 40 students.  What a blessing they were.  When I started this journey (MtC)  Chris and I spent an afternoon talking about "healthful living" and what would be included in the list.  Chris said, "Should spent time on the floor playing with kids."  Today I truly get it! I literally sat on the floor and talked with children and it lifted my spirits.  Two days of being surrounded by hope, filled my heart in an amazing way. Today they shared their plans and their joys.
In one school a precious girl named Grace had a hard time answering the question, "What do you enjoy doing? or What are you really good at?"  She sat there and kept thinking but couldn't come up with an answer. The entire school had their hands up, making noises, trying to get my attention, and their hands kept getting higher and higher.  I finally acknowledged one of her classmates and they blurted out, "She is good at being a friend!" Then the entire class started telling me all the things that she is good at. What a wonderful thing it was to see.  A group of friends backing her.  A group of friends willing lift her up.  I wish I had a picture of her face.  She sat there, not trying to disappear, but literally sitting up higher. Her face lit up with a new understanding of who she was.  She then with real confidence said, "and I'm good at running too!" It was such a beautiful thing!
Today I certainly had my moments of battling with (C) however it was so easy to identify and put down because I was so full of joy that came from the kids. Today minus the crap was more about filling up the space with such beautiful stuff that there was no room to hold on to the crap.
I also was reminded of the importance of getting outside our little groups and spend sometime helping others. So much of the time, the (C) I hold onto is a result of focusing on self more than I should.  Turn my focus to Christ and all things that come from him, and I can't hold onto the crap.
So tonight I ad to my health list...11. and 12.

1.  Fresh food
2. Vegetarian
3. Food must be colorful
4. Keep food as much in its natural form as possible
5. High calorie food must be high quality (desserts should be homemade with good ingredients etc.)
6. Eating out...pay more eat less ( make sure to eat in quality places)
7. When eating what others have prepared for you... JUST EAT and enjoy!
8. Sit down, and toast! (make the meal an experience, light candles, enjoy conversation!)
9. Whole grains
10. Don't eat fake sweeteners or fats. 
11. Play on the floor with children
12. Help someone, do something for others.
(I also need to add a number 13 after Sabbath!)
13. It is better to eat Twinkies with friends than Broccoli alone! (develop meaningful relationships)

Day 25

Back at home with Mom and Dad for one night. Sure is easy to recall childhood memories and feelings. It is amazing how that works.

Today I had the privilege of visiting schools and passing out treats to students from Kindergarten to eighth grade. One of the classes I went into had four highly intelligent kids.1 was 8yrs, 2 were 7yrs, and 1 was 5yrs. old.   As we sat and chatted about life over a box of doughnuts I was reminded of HOPE! Hope and dreams, possibilities.  Their eyes didn't light up, the were just LIT! They were confident, expressive and seemingly untouched by the (C) this world likes to pile on us. They spoke of their plans, their gifts, their joys with such delight. It was so refreshing!

Yesterday, I was running low on hope. Today I am reminding myself that, we are to become like little children, that Christ is our HOPE! I am reminded, that because of what He did and is doing in my life, living without HOPE is dishonoring HIM! Thank you children for opening my heart and sharing your joy and hope!

Day 24

It has been a wonderful Sunday. Chris made breakfast, the house was cold with windows open, we worked together, and I got some errands done.  It was an all around great day!

Today we worked on cleaning up our laundry room.  It is larger than most and for me that means more room for things to get piled up and a mess. It has been a mess for years.  Frankly I don't even like going in there, which makes it hard to get the laundry done :)  Today we cleaned it, took down all the natural occurring Halloween decorations (cob webs), and organized.  The cleaner it became the lighter I felt.  It was wonderful.  At first we found the floor, then we vacuumed it. Then we took out a broken down table that just allowed us to have piles upon piles. We decided what needed to stay, and what was to be given away and what was trash.  You know the drill.

I realized today how much my house keeping abilities, or the lack there of, have contributed to the pile of (C).  In fact I think it would be safe to say it is a good 75% of the (C).  That is a lot of Crap! When I invite people over, I always have rooms I hope no one ever enters. When people leave and I find dust I didn't realize was there, I feel ill!  I believe if people really knew how ugly it was, they would at the very least be disgusted by me and might even have me committed.  It sound dramatic but I'm serious.  I say off the wall dramatic proclamations like this all the time and know that people will laugh and say, "Oh it can't be that bad". REALLY IT IS!!!!

I love entertaining, having my home open to friends and family!  I love being open with my life, sharing the good, bad, and the ugly, but not where my house is concerned.  There is so much shame I carry because of it. (C!!!!!) The shame has kept me up at night and made me physically ill. So why is this such a huge issue for me?  Is it that I am just lazy?  Do I have a personality that makes it difficult?  Is it that I am carrying around so much shame, and the weight is just too heavy to bear, so I just sit down? I don't know and tonight I have no answers except to say, I can't feel like this experiment is a success unless I can figure out a way to put the "house Crap" down. 

Today finding the floor in my laundry room and getting rid of the cob webs made me want to keep cleaning everywhere in this house and in my heart and in my soul.  There are parts of my heart and soul that not only have crap, but I have ignored it for so long there are cob webs too! I am so ready to clean it out.

Cleaning it out is a messy dirty process. It isn't fun. Today when Chris and I came up to get some lunch we both had to change our clothes because we felt so dirty, we just couldn't eat in the same clothes.  I kind of feel that way tonight about this process. I feel dirty, I feel like the process of getting rid of the Crap in my life and made me dirty, and it scares me.  I guess so many times in my life I have decided I am going to change.  I am going to loose weight, keep my house clean, or any other number of things and then, I fail! I guess today realizing how much I need to clean out not only my home but my heart, scares me.  I'm scared of failing. Yet I see more than eve that, it must be done.

Tonight all I can say is this.  I have identified a whole other area of (C) and I'm overwhelmed. I can't say I have set it down or that I know how to set this one down, but at least, I clearly see there is a lot of (C) that needs cleaning! 

 

Day 23- It is better to eat Twinkies with Friends than Broccoli Alone!

Thank you Pastor Gary for the title of today's blog.  It is a quote from his sermon. I love it!  In fact if you will allow me to use it I may make it a title for a talk at a women's retreat. It is something I will never forget and that is what great sermons are made of!

So why that as the title for today's blog.  Well, this past week I have asked myself the question, why blog and not just journal.  Journaling has been known to be quite therapeutic for many people. Therapists use it all the time, for a multitude of reasons.  It seems the most important part of this process is just the journaling, not having people read it. I mean really what good does it do me to have you read about my (C).  I have questioned my motives for blogging.  For example am I just so sanguine I need people to know about what is going on in my life? (Probably some truth in that.)  Is it an ego thing? Perhaps. At first I thought it was important to blog because it holds me accountable. 

This week getting the encouraging words from close friends has been such an important part of giving me strength to take the steps I needed to. I have also appreciated the heightened intimacy it has created between me and Chris.  It is wonderful having him know me! Tonight we were driving home and he very lovingly touched my cheek. I expressed how much I enjoy it when he lovingly touches my face.  To me it is one of the most intimate loving touches. Then I continued on to say, "except for the fact I am afraid you are going to feel a stray facial hair that shouldn't be there and it might gross you out."  (you know what I'm talking about ladies!)  Without missing a beat he rolled down my window and say, "Throw that Crap right out the window!!! I want it gone before we get home!"  We both laughed, but how right he was.  How wonderful to have him participating in such a loving and accepting way in this process.

Even with all these reasons I have still been questioning it. Then today Pastor Gary preached a wonderful sermon about the importance of having deep and meaningful relationships.  People in meaningful relationships who smoke and all manner of bad health habits are more healthy than health nuts who are alone.  "It is better to eat Twinkies with friends than broccoli alone!" First of all, the importance of meaningful connections and friendships will be added to my "health" plan. It also reminded me of how important it is for us to learn to be vulnerable and open with each other.  We can't have meaningful relationships with plastic faces, and sin in the closet.  We can't have meaningful relationships if we are always pretending to be someone we are not. If we are only willing to share the persona of having it all together, it is not truth and therefore can not be real!

I also believe bringing our struggles into the light (bringing them before God, and not trying to hide) is the best way to start the process of letting them go.  What makes things like pornography addictions and other sexual sins so difficult to break is because we keep them so hidden. It is too taboo to mention. What a great way for Satan to keep us holding onto the crap.

Today our elder told me he was our elder.  He put his arm around me and said, "Do you need a hug? I have been thinking I should come visit you and Chris, I'm your elder, I bet you didn't even know that."  I agreed that I had not realized, but expressed my pleasure at realizing we were assigned to him.  He then said, "I guess I feel like you all have it so together and I am so messed up there is no point."  I assured him that was crazy.  (I wanted to say, "That is a big old pile of Crap and you need to let it go!)  That would have been funny, since he has no idea about this blog and the process I am going through.  But truly how sad. No one on this earth has it all together.  I wanted to share my blog with Him right then and there and say, "this will cure you of that misconception!"  Not to brag about the crap but perhaps to start the process of a real and meaningful relationship. At the point we start thinking we having it all together we need to get back on our knees!

A combination of your response to my blog, my husbands response, my pastor's sermon, and my elders comment, finally convinced me that the questions, the questioning of my motives for blogging is just one more pile of (C)!  I need to blog because I need meaningful relationships so I can invite you over and we can eat Twinkies! I need to blog because Crap is so much more obvious in the Light! For years when I would make comments, like I did tonight to Chris about facial hair or any other insecurity, he has always tried to assure me, tonight he called it what it was. He shined a light on it and said, "Yep it's CRAP".  Being the visual person I am what a wonderful gift. He was right! I also realized this week how much I need each one of you in this process. The numbers are growing and I need you all.  The prayers, the encouragement and sometimes the flashlight highlighting the crap.  I thank you! Your comments and your love are so felt and appreciated!  I feel connected, sometimes I feel exposed, and tonight I KNOW you are one of the most important parts of this process! Thank you for giving up your time to read and respond.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your wisdom! Thank you!

Day 22 Ahhhh

Sabbath... Ahhhh.... there is just something about Friday night and the beginning of the Sabbath day that is so healing.  When it comes to health, I really believe there is nothing better for our health; physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. I really believe this with all my heart.  I know the Sabbath is more than just a commandment, it is not just something restrictive, it is however a solution or a remedy for most of what ails us. 
I have to confess, recently I have had moments or entire Friday evenings where I did whatever I wanted. A couple times it included watching "Say Yes to the Dress".  I had a list of reasons or excuses as to why. I was so tired, everything that had to do with church, God, or normal Sabbath things seemed to be to taxing.  A couple times it was boredom. Writing this I realize how pitiful it sounds. I have always loved Sabbath and almost broke up with Chris because in his college years he didn't "guard" the Sabbath the way I thought it should be.  Several times this year as I was watching girls choose their special dress, I thought of that time in my life and how I had been so judgmental of him and now here I was watching TV.  (For your information, Chris was right here with me. Often practicing for church. Never criticizing me)
I knew it wasn't how I wanted my Friday evening to be.  My mind just wasn't where it needed to be.  My heart wasn't where it needed to be.  I know to often, when I feel inadequate or just tired of trying to be someone I'm not, TV has been an escape.  It wasn't just TV though.  I just didn't see the Sabbath as the gift I had. I saw it as something else I needed to do.  Something else on the list of, "You don't measure up".  If the house wasn't clean.  I didn't have food even bought much less prepared.  My clothes weren't ready for the next day.  I didn't even know where my bible was.  I hadn't read a good book in months.  I loved God.  I know He loved me too, but I didn't measure up.
At those times just being quiet is too hard.  Just letting praise and worship music play, and being quiet and still,  let the list scream at me even louder. I can remember feeling like pins and needles poking my entire body, I was restless. Turning on the TV took away the quiet and drowned out the list.
Tonight, with a counter full of dishes that needed to be washed, dirty laundry, and no idea what I will wear tomorrow I know the better way to handle the list is to simply stop, turn on some music, and lay it all at His feet.  After all it is not my job to clean it up before coming to Him.  My escape should be Him.  He is the remedy.  He is the reason the Sabbath is here.  He doesn't need me to have it all together.  He just wants me to come to Him. 
Tonight, we had friends over even with a dirty kitchen and a house that needs dusty something terrible.  Yet the time together, the good food, (it was fresh, colorful, delicious, and very healthy), was not hindered by the lack of something.  It was the friendship and fellowship that added so much.  It is the same with Christ.  He isn't hindered by our short comings. It is our time with him, our fellowship that adds so much!
This journey is about health and healing.  I know a very important part of this process is to relish in Sabbath.  Relish in the time with my Savior. To come before him, perhaps in a crumpled mess of undone, and just surrender to him my time and my focus.  I know it is what He longs for, I know it is what my soul longs for. After all the TV was like trying to spray air freshiner on the pile of (C) and expecting relief. Kind of like those Fabreez commercials :).  Jesus on the other hand, is willing to take the (C) flush it down the toilet, spray some Fabreez of His joy and love.  Then we can sit down and have a conversation, develop the relationship. Relish in each other. I can better know Him! What a difference. 
Tonight, I am going to relish in Him. Happy Sabbath Everyone!

Day 21

"For in him we live and move and have our being." Acts 17:28  Barb my ballet instructor shared this scripture with me tonight.  How beautiful it is.  In him we live and move and have our being.  Tonight was a struggle. I had the runs for hours before.  Had practice at the church, which I was so grateful for, (the praise music, and singing helped to calm the nerves and prepare my mind!), and then drove like crazy to get to dance class.  Upon arriving, Barb saw me and said, "you are Beth!"  I nodded and she came running over to me, hugged me and said she was so grateful I was there.  She is a tiny maybe 5 foot lady who radiates joy! She right off the bat recited Acts 17:28 ‘For in him we live and move and have our being', and kept expressing her pleasure that I had made it.  Then we went into class.  There were several missing so we consisted of 2 teenage girls, and 2 middle aged over weight women, (myself one of the two.) We started with stretching, or bar work, which took up almost half of the hour.  Then we did some steps, jumps etc.  I was amazed how much I was sweating and how tired I was getting and we seemingly were doing very little.  A great work out.

So the experience overall was terrific.  I realized several things tonight.  First, watching myself in the mirrors and thinking about the scripture, in Him we live and move and have our being, I realized that moving, dancing is an important part of living in him, but so is nutrition, etc.  I know that is a duh statement, but I couldn't help but look at this body in all those mirrors "dancing" and think, "I have not be living in Him" , "I have been hiding behind;  food, clothes, TV, inactivity, and busyness."  I have not been living in Him. 

Second, I had a real hard time with my dyslexia or whatever it is that makes it impossible for me to keep tract of things like left foot in front right foot lead... and many other instructions.  That part was hard for me but, I will get it. It will just take time.

Third, as I watched myself in the mirror,  I saw the beginnings of grace, elegance, good posture. All things I have never associated with me.  It felt odd or strange yet at the same time finally right. It is about time I work on learning to really be a lady with this body.  This is a whole new idea for me.  I am creative, funny, smart, even somewhat driven, with big ideas,  good at many things but NOT a Lady.  Not girlie. Tonight seeing my toes pointed my hands relaxed, my arms arched, moving slow yet graceful was wonderful. I am looking forward to praising God by being more of the Lady he created me to be.

Forth, tonight I did something that terrified me, and I did it.  I made it through and not only did I not die but I enjoyed it.  Perhaps I enjoyed the fact that I did it more than the process itself, but I did it!

Fifth, tonight I was more convicted than ever that we were created to dance for the Lord, to move for him. I have no desire to dance in a bar, or dance in a club, but dance before the Lord we should! Tonight the praise music, was not just back ground music.  It was not just a beat!  It was so much more.  This was not just dancing ballet to Christian music. It was praising God!  At one point at the end of the class, she had us close our eyes and just move our arms to the music, with the focus on the words and praising God.  I did at first, but then I became increasingly uncomfortable and stopped.  I am going to look at the fact that I was able to do it for a few moments or so before insecurities paralyzed me. It is a start.

Tonight I am thrilled that I made it through.  I am excited to have started this new journey.  I will tell you this, I sweat like crazy, yet was never winded, a crazy combination. I'm sure I will be quite sore tomorrow, it is amazing how it stretches everything, including my back.

I thank you for your prayers, they were felt and appreciated so much.

Day 20!!!

Day 20, that sounds nice, big, quite amazing for me.  20 days.  Only 345 days to go! 

So today has been a stinker of a day. It has just been one of those days when everyone and everything seemed to get under my skin.  It started off getting mad at myself because the more I tried to work on a brochure the more frustrated I got.  Nothing was working. I couldn't come up with a good design or layout. I can't remember titles of speeches I have given.  I couldn't even remember topics. I was just failing at the process. Then I looked at my watch and realized that the day was half gone and I had not even gotten my shower, much less gone out to shop for "form showing" dance outfit to wear tomorrow night.  Things were getting worse. Then the phone rang and John asked me to meet him at the church because he had forgotten his key. At first I wanted to scream and then I thought my shopping would be that direction so why not.  After a shower and throwing on clothes I headed out to meet John at the church.  When I arrived at the church I discovered that there was no one else to help John unload the sectional sofa from the trailer and bring it into the church.  Just John and me.

Now I don't like saying No.  I especially don't like saying, "I can't" so in spite of the fact that am just recovering from hurting my back a week ago, I carried the sofa inside.  It made me mad.  Not mad that John asked, but mad at myself for not having the strength and common sense to say NO!

Oh, yea.  I forgot to tell you about another phone call.  When I got out of the shower my Dad called wanting to know if I would be willing to talk to my mom.  When mom got on the phone she was asking if I would be willing to go to Ikea and pick up a sink for her.  I told her I would try.  This also made me mad.  Now half my day was gone, I had to go help John at the church and then go to Ikea for mom and the real  chore of the day, finding dancing clothes, was getting less and less time.

Ok, so I finished unloading the sectional and then I head out to as many stores as I could find on the way to Ikea. I was somewhat successful in finding "dance" clothes. It was less pleasant that shopping for bathing suits but I survived. Then on to Ikea.  This was the last straw.  I didn't want to, so I already have a bad attitude.  Then, as I walked in the door there was a "helpful" lady who I asked where I should go if I was trying to find a sink that was on hold for me.  She sent me to furniture pick up. (clear on the other end of this very large lower level) The "helpful" people at the furniture pick up had no idea what I was talking about.  They then directed me to the kitchen department.  So back all the way across the very large lower level, up the stairs and then wind around and around and around until I finally came to the kitchen department.  Then after picking up a piece of paper from a man there, he sent me down stairs to check out.  That ment winding around and around and around until I finally came to the check out.  I stood in line just to have the check out lady tell me she had to close her line. Switch lines and stand in line again. Finally check out.  The check out lady told me to go to the "helpful" Furniture pick up department (again).  I head the the furniture pick up department where they told me to go get my car bring it to the loading area and in five minutes they would bring the sink to my car.  25 minutes later I went back in side and back to the furniture pick up department where there was a different girl.  I told her that I was waiting for the sink to be brought out to the car.  I told her I had been waiting for 25 min. and she  said, "why have you been doing that it is right here for you to take." When I told her what the previous lady had told me she made a "your an idiot" face and informed me that they didn't do that.  She then handed me a cart with the sink.  I asked her about help getting it in my car and she said, (with the same your an idiot attitude) "there are 2 guys out there to help".  Now I had been out there waiting for 25 min. and there wasn't anyone out there the whole time.  So I go outside and thankfully there was a guy helping someone else. He finally came and helped me get the sink in the car. 

I know this is a very boring read, bottom line at this point I was furious, more at myself than anyone.  Mad that I was willing to let everything get in the way of  doing the one thing I needed to get done.  Mad that for some reason my anger was disproportionate to my day.  Really all that happened was that I had 2 errands I needed to do that I hadn't planned for and Ikea took a long time, but it wasn't a big deal, yet I was so angry I could cry. So as I sat through the same light 6 times, (terrible rush hour traffic) I asked myself what was REALLY going on.  I checked my calendar to see if my period could be a factor, but no.  Then, I reflected on my day and realized that honestly the problem was not my mom, not John, not even Ikea, but it was my insecurity about dance class, being exposed, having to wear "form revealing" clothes. I am going to go into a room full of strangers and mirrors and try something I know will be very challenging for me.  My fear, my insecurities, my panic was instead coming out as anger at everyone.

I'm exhausted.  Shopping was rough, being so frustrated all day really takes it out of you.  I called Chris and we went to our favorite place to eat in our little town.  It was lovely, we had a delightful time and the rest of the evening has been spent working on the brochure.

Tonight I was reminded of the verse, "Come unto me all ye who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me, for my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  Tonight I need to come to Him.  I need his rest.  I want to take his yoke and leave mine behind.  I want to put down this stuff and tonight rest in Him, rest with Him, really rest! 

I know that going to dance class tomorrow night is the right thing to do.  I feel very confident in that, however it will take putting all the (C) down.  I need to put the (C) at the feet of Jesus, so I can be free to dance.  Please if you are reading this before tomorrow at 8:30pm. I could use your prayers. Tomorrow at this time I will be blogging about my first dance class.  How amazing is that!!!!!

Goodnight, I'm going to REST!

Day 19...Double WOW

So after the wonderful invitation yesterday, I decided to take a huge step and go way outside my comfort zone and ask several individuals to send me a quote that I can use in a brochure for promotional purposes. I hated asking.  It took courage.  I battled through loads of (C), but managed to get the requests off last night and was getting responses this morning as I awoke.  It left me this morning exhausted before my day even started. However I was thrilled that I had made one more step toward getting it done. There was a sense of relief. Then early afternoon I got a phone call and everything changed.

I need to give some back ground first.  Days before I started this journey, as I was spending some time with God, and thinking about taking this journey, I felt very convicted that one of the areas that I needed to address in my life was dance.  I have never danced. If the big pile of (C) in my life has done anything it has certainly buried my desire and ability to dance. 

Years ago I went to a dance recital after being invited by Karalee Rosburg.  It was a moving experience.  Watching people of all ages, shapes and sizes dancing for the purpose of praising God was incredibly moving.  I sat in the dark church and wept.  It was the most moving thing I had ever seen.  I was shocked by my reaction. I realized that day my heart and soul needs to dance, but I can't!

After much prayer and years of contemplation about a month ago I wrote an email to the King Davids Conservatory and told my story.  I expressed my need to start the process of learning to move this body. 

So back to this afternoon.  As I'm driving the call comes in.  It is Barb and the dance studio wanting to talk. Just telling her what I was wanting and I was over come with emotion.  For some reason it affects me to the core.  Telling Chris  about it this evening and I was in tears again.  This is huge!  I mean huge! So hard. Anyway back to the phone call.  With her kindness and understanding I finally agreed to come to a group class for beginner adults. It is a ballet class. Can you believe it, me taking a ballet class.  It blows my mind. Terrifies me. Excites me. At first when she said ballet I wanted to scream no. I have never had an interest and just as quickly I realize that the femininity that ballet represents I have always wanted to be. The grace. The beauty. I have never accepted as being a part of who I am; however I have always wanted it to be.

So this Thursday night I will be going into a room, in something tight enough that the instructor "can see my form", with other people, other adults and try to start the process of learning to dance and accepting that I am a woman, beautiful, graceful, wanting to praise God with my entire being.

How is that for double WOW!

Day 18... Wow

So just when I think there is nothing to blog about, nothing important happening...well, WOW, is all I have to say. Today I have spent time helping out the youth department of our church transform their room.  It has been a day about serving, designing, and sadly plenty of (C).  As I was driving home this evening after a long day of shopping I was contemplating what I would blog about and reviewing my day. I also started reviewing my progress in this journey or the lack there of.  I started thinking about the health part of this journey and trying to eat as I know I should. To stop listening to others and eat right! To stop rebelling and honor my body by putting what I should in it.  Then the defeatist  (C) started flowing. I was remembering the cake I had just eaten, the french fries last night and so on and so forth. I also remembered the conviction I had to go ahead and put together some promotional materials for speaking and start getting my name out and see where God leads, then the (C) started flowing again.  After all, other than one afternoon I have not gotten anything done. I started telling myself that this process is failing and just taking up time..... and so much more I don't care to repeat!

I arrive home, dropped into my chair picked up my computer, checked email and started questioning my purchase decisions for the church.  Now to understand how ridiculous this was,I have to tell you that all day I had be amazed at how the Lord had lead! It had gone so well yet one email from another craigs list couch possibility and I start questioning all the direction I knew we had received. So much (C)!!!!

Then about the time I was drowning in the (C) I got a message on facebook asking if I might be available to be the speaker for a Women's Ministry event in Washington state.  As I sat and read the message asking for materials, a fee, a sample, etc, I realized the (C) I had been holding on to all day.  Sadly this was the first moment I realized how much (C) there was. The fact that I didn't even realize I was holding on to the (C) all day, is significant.  I am so comfortable or used to a life where I hold on to it, I don't even realize I am doing it!

What a blessing the invitation was.  I don't know if it will work out or not. Frankly it doesn't matter.  What matters is, no matter my failures, no matter my inadequacies, I must remember this is a journey and I am not walking it alone. He is with me all the way.  Today He had a particular wonderful way of reminding me He is right beside me. Tonight, I know He was encouraging me to keep going forward. To eat better, to keep moving forward. To not let my insecurities or (C) paralyze me when I need to be moving forward with the work he has blessed me with.  Tonight I want to say He is real, He is interested, He loves me!

Day 17

Tonight as I reflect about my day I can't stop thinking about the importance to be willing to be the unique creation that God has created us to be.  Embracing uniqueness means 2 things.
First the obvious, which is to see the uniqueness in self and embrace it.  For me that means realizing my talents and not trying to be someone I'm not.  It means to embrace this body, hair, etc.  It also means to acknowledge my skills. 
Second and perhaps less obvious and yet even more important, is to not covet the gifts of others.  So many times we want to have what other have, and to be like others are. We like uniformity and equality. We strive to have relationships like others, or cars, or houses, or bodies. 
Today, at times I struggled with thoughts of envy. Then in a meeting I observed, I saw over and over a disregard for uniqueness and I realized that all my envy, all of the (C) that had been running through my head was no different.  We all must find a way to be content on the journey that we have the privileged of being.  We are each here for a purpose, and given the tools needed to fulfill that purpose. Yet we spend so much time wishing we were something else. I wish I ran better, I wish I looked better, I wish I organized without effort, I wish, I wish, I wish.... or do I?
I realized tonight that uniqueness means inequality! It means that each of us will have deficits and gains. The trick is to celebrate who we are and live without comparing ourselves to others, but simply living with our eyes firmly planted on Christ.  If we are looking to Him we will see His reflection, His plan, His creation, and in my case His girl! 
So tonight I am laying down the (C) of comparing myself.  Of coveting others. 
Tonight I have a new resolve to live with my eyes on Him, and will look for the reflection and the purpose for my life.  In this process I hope to truly admire and value the gifts in others without needing to have what they do.  I am in this life for a reason and I hope to live like I really believe just that!

Day 16

This Sabbath has come to an end. It is almost midnight and have yet to post for the day.  (This is for you Carolyn... not 1 but almost :)). 

This morning started with waking and baking.  Waking the 9 lovely ladies here from MPA and baking sweet rolls. Then it was off to church to lead music in two services and then enjoying potluck with some new acquaintances and old friends. There was a wonderful  poignant yet positive sermon by our pastor, Gary Tolbert, laughter with friends, beautiful weather, a nap with the window open and cool breeze blowing through our room. Wonderful intimate time with my man, and an evening filled with NOTHING! What a day. It would be easy to assume that with such a day there was no (C).
Frankly I really don't have much to post. It was a blessing filled day.  I did notice a terribly strong connection to memories and emotions to food.  Not a new revelation but something I want to look into more and better understand so that I can work on it.  I also noticed there are still lots of (C) I hear in my head while being intimate. Insecurities and lies I have believed for so long. Today, I can't say I put them down and replaced them with positive truth but I at least ignored them! Most importantly I think today I realized the difference. The difference between putting down the (C) and truly washing up, filling the void with truth which will lead to real healing, and just ignoring it.  For years with my belief that we are called to focus on the positive, I have mastered the art of ignoring the (C) when I am feeling strong, but not really getting rid of it and replacing it with truth! Then on days when I am not strong it all comes back and plagues me again.
Today was a day filled with blessings! I am thankful for my friends, my church, my work and the amazing students and faculty that come along with work! I am thankful for my husband and our marriage. I am thankful for my children who continually amaze me and for the journey that my Lord and Savior is willing to walk with me in.
"Sabbath is a happy day, happy day, happy day! Sabbath is a happy day, I love every Sabbath!" Sometimes it is just that simple!
Happy Week everyone!

Day 15

Two weeks ago tonight I started this journey.  This morning finds me wondering or evaluating how the journey is going.  I certainly can say that I am more intentionally living. More aware. 
Last night as Chris and I were on our way to practice at the church we were trying to decided on a place to eat.  I hate telling people where I want to eat, especially if I don't have a huge craving or an idea of where I want to go.  Looking at the time we had, it became obvious that it would have to be fast food and our choices were Wendy's, Arby's, or Bojangles. Chris suggested Wendy's. As I sat and thought about what I would get, nothing was healthy. (I know what you are thinking..."they have potatoes and salad, that would be healthy")  I had only had one quick meal up to that point, I was starving and I knew that if I went to Wendy's I would have a vege sandwich (that they tend to drown in mayo), french fries (a favorite) and a small Frosty (a must have).  The more I thought about it, I kept thinking abut that white bread, sorry bun with to much mayo, and a tiny slice of tomato, and one limp tiny piece of lettuce...I then asked about a chick-fil-a but they were all to far away.  Then I thought of Arby's, I was sure I had years ago had a great wheat bread sandwich from there. If my memory was correct it was full of lettuce, tomato, cheese, etc, on good wheat bread.  Sounded so much better. So I asked Chris, "Would you rather go to Arby's?",  knowing that he likes Arby's.  His reply, "No I'm happy to go to Wendy's." Now normally that would be the end and we would go to Wendy's.  I normally could not, would not express my desire to try Arby's.  After all I wasn't sure if there was anything I could eat there. He obviously preferred Wendy's or he would have jumped at the slightly cracked window I gave him. It really wasn't that big a deal...and so on and so on.
The (C) keeping me back was ultimately that I wasn't important enough, my desire to choose something healthier wasn't as important as pleasing Chris, so Wendy's it is. Yesterday I recognized the (C) I was listening to, shut it off, turned to a new channel, and simply asked, "would you be willing to try Arby's." That may not seem like much but it was huge for me.  (The sandwich was delicious and for all you vegetarians out there, hands down one of the best vege sandwiches you can buy fast food.  Amazing!) 
This week I have found that letting go of the (C), changing the channel so to speak, has freed me to be more productive. Most importantly, I do feel more empowered or freed to hear more clearly God.  After all, the (C) is like a clanging symbol that keeps my attention and interferes with the quiet peaceful voice of the Holy Spirit. Yesterday in the car, I literally closed my eyes, visualized setting down (C) as I said a prayer, asking for God to wipe away the crap and free me to say what I was thinking.  It worked. 
Before you think this is a bit dramatic for something as small as picking a fast food restaurant, ultimately there was a battle raging. I don't ever want my desires to squash the desires or needs of my husband.  I don't want to become so self centered that where I want to eat is all that matters.  I don't want choosing good choices of food to become more important than the relationships around me.  However, as you can tell from what Chris said, this was not that.  In fear of going to far one direction I just say nothing and hurt myself in the process. Yesterday as I closed my eyes, prayed that I would let go of the (C), the reality, the simplicity of the situation was clear. Chris had not said he didn't want to go to Arby's, I had not even asked if he would like to go to Arby's.  I asked if he would "Rather" go to Arby's.  So I asked.  The best part of this little interchange was that at the moment I asked for help in setting aside the (C) there was clarity. Clarity that freed me.  Clarity that helped me to see how silly or simple this all was. 
So at the end of two weeks, I can't say I don't hear the (C) but in the process of daily, and intentionally working to set it down, I do have moments of clarity or moments when I know the Holy Spirit is happy to step in and fill the space that (C) used to occupy.
"Change my heart oh God.  Make it ever true. Change my heart oh God, may I be like you."

Day 14

Last night when writing my post the internet quit working, I had written so much and was afraid of loosing it and I got distracted.  Reading yesterdays post today I realized there was so much I wanted to say, maybe should say.

I really believe that the importance of me being able to walk past a mirror and like what I see is critically important. I believe all of us should. It is not about vanity or self glorification, but honoring the creator, realizing the beauty that the world doesn't see.  It is about honoring what my husband sees.  I want him to have a lover who has confidence in the gift she is giving him. After all confidence is sexy. 

I know beauty is as much a result of mental health, graciousness, confidence, joy, admiration of others, as the physical package,; however insecurities have a tendency to cover up or dull all the above.
Having said all of this I must say that for the majority of my life I have intentionally down played the physical part of my being. The insecurities and (C) that plays out in my head has made me feel that putting time into my look, or physical health is "fake" because that is not the real me. That is (C).   I have spent little or no time on exercise, healthful cooking, make up, hair, clothes, caring for clothes.  None of that has been valued. It should not control or be the focus of my life but it should be part of my life. I should value the vessel God has given me and present it in a the best way.  This process of getting rid of, setting down, minus the CRAP, is a start.
So today I am going to minus the (C) that I am not worth the time or energy to take care of my appearance. Minus the (C) that I am ugly, unsexy, undesirable.

Today I am worth the time!!!!!
Today I am beautiful, even sexy and desirable, just as I am!!!!
Today I am and always will be a creation of the artist of all artists, my heavenly father.
Today because of the Gift God and Chris have given me I am going to set down the (C) and embrace my inner diva! (Watch out babe :))
I realize this will not be an instantaneous change, it will take time.  After all I have be come very comfortable in the (C).  I am in the habit of thinking (C)! But today I am reminding myself that in an effort to honor my Creator and Chris I will intentionally live today without the (C)!

Day 13

Saw this on Facebook today and it clearly spoke to my struggle today. 

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "


Now for my struggle.  I want to be the woman who can pass the mirror and say "How amazing am I ?!" Can I? Should I? When I was a little girl (4 or 5) people always commenting on my eyelashes.  I remember one day very clearly.  We were in a store looking at clothes.  There was a red coat I was trying on (shocker), and a woman came up to me and said what beautiful eyes I had.  My mother who was right there chimed in, "It doesn't matter what she looks like, it is how she acts that matters." I remember being embarrassed, and ashamed. See I had been in trouble several time that day for not being good. So in essence I wasn't beautiful physically because that didn't matter and I wasn't beautiful in how I acted because I had been in trouble over and over. So what was I.  I know what my mom was trying to do which was to make sure that we didn't focus on looks and that we learn that "pretty is as pretty does".  I agree, I don't blame her but little things like that have made it very difficult for me to look in the mirror and be pleased. I loved the above post! Yet the (C) that I can't get out of my head is this...
1. (C) number 1 for the day... If I think I am beautiful then I am a fat girl ignoring the things she needs to change.
2. (C) number 2 for the day... Saying I am beautiful is being prideful and focusing on self.
3. (C) number 3 for the day... I can't believe my husband, that he is just being kind.

(C) number 1 makes me angry, and yet I have such a hard time not listening to it.  I know it is complete (C)! All you have to do is see all the people on TV that have surgery after surgery in an attempt to stay young and beautiful. Beauty is in all of us.  It is the life that Christ gives us and not something we do to become.  I really believe that we are all beautiful, unique and precious.  It is because of what God gave each of us and we do him a dishonor to look in the mirror and loath what we see.  I realize that it might be easier for me to see the beauty if this body wasn't damaged with fat and age, but really it is not about that!

C number 2 Is ridiculous since I did nothing to look or be beautiful it is all the work of God and nothing else.

C number 3 is the whole reason for this post.  Last night and again this evening I caught Chris just looking at me. When I asked, "What?" he sweetly smiled at me and said, "I like looking at you, your cute." Or something like that.  Quite honestly I usually don't listen because before he is even finished I am saying in my mind and then out loud to him, "No I'm not," or "I don't believe you" or something else to get him to stop. I can't enjoy or accept his admiration because of my own self loathing. It is ridiculous! I have this amazing man who cherishes me.  Love me.  Sees the beauty in me and finds me sexy but I because of all this (C) I can't accept it! How ridiculous is that! 
So tonight I am wishing I was happy to be a whale.  :)

Day 12

This morning I am posting instead of waiting till this evening.  This is why.  Tonight I head home and Chris and I are planning a special date night.  We plan to spend the entire evening focused on just each other so I will have no time for posting. I am guarding our time.  So this morning I had a bit of a struggle not listening to the (C) in my head at breakfast.  I'm here at my grandparents and my parents are here now.  My parents are on and off again followers of Dr. Fuhrman way of eating. Yesterday when I offered my mom, organic 100% whole wheat bread with some kale vegan soup she declined the bread stating that she is trying to only have a grain a day. Now I am not talking bad about my mother.  This is something she believes in and she is doing her best to stick to it. She feels better etc.  But this morning I realized that when I wanted a piece of 100% organic whole wheat bread with peanut butter on it that I was replaying what she had said and was a bit insecure (maybe not the right term) but uneasy about getting out the bread toasting it when they were the ones who had set the table and food out and had not included the bread.  The table had fruit and oatmeal.  I did get out the bread and toasted it and then put some peanut butter on it but it was a struggle.  This is not my parents fault.  It is ridiculous!  It is all my problem.  I was simply wanting to please them.  I want them to look at what I am eating and like it.  How stupid.  It is the same reason I eat chocolate, or ice cream. To please others.  Today I almost couldn't eat the healthy toast because I was wanting to please my parents... I am 43 years old.  How ridiculous is that.  I did completely finish my toast, oatmeal with applesauce and bananas on it and a small glass of OJ.  I feel good and healthy.  Grateful for a good breakfast. Ready to start my day and a new resolve to complete this project.  To learn to eat healthy food for me not eat to please others.

Day 11 (late)

So this is my first late post. I hate that it is late but life has demanded other things.  As I posted day 10 I was caring for my grandmother.  That night turned out to be a night with no sleep! I was cleaning up vomit out of buckets and had to clean her vomit covered bed twice. At 3 a.m. I made the decision to take her to the hospital.  She was admitted for pneumonia caused by aspirating vomit. She is quite a sick woman.  After two nights with almost no sleep yesterday evening when I sat down to write I had no words.  Nothing. I was so tired every fiber of my being ached. So I choose to fall asleep and slept a refreshing 10 hours. This morning I know what I wanted to write yesterday. It is this.

I so much appreciate friendship.  In the midst of my chaotic day I had the opportunity to go to lunch with a dear friend.  We talked about this blog and the process I am going through. It was great to reflect on this process. Yesterday we went to lunch and it was such a delicious lunch. A perfect combination of healthy beautiful colorful food with a dash of comfort mixed in.  The food could not have been more perfect for what I needed after a sleepless night. We talked a long time which aided in healthy digestion! We definitely dined. I ate the entire plate of Thai noodle and enjoyed every  bite. I ate it not with the (C) running around in my head telling me I should go easy on the noodles but with gratitude to God for providing such an amazing meal that met the needs of my very tired tummy.  I enjoyed KNOWING that the conversation and the relationship that was an integral part of this meal was also contributing to the health of the meal. Sondra, thank you! It was such a needed breath of fresh air.
What I found was that letting go of the (C) freed me to continue making healthy, life giving choices the rest of the day.  Oh what a joy it is to intently try to live without the (C).   

Day 10

Today I had the privilege of caring for my grandmother.  She came down sick last night and spent some time in the hospital but was home when I arrived back from work.  She has been throwing up and having terrible stomach pains.  The hospital sent her home with a prescription for nausea that she takes in pill form. She has had a hard time keeping it down.  My uncle is supposed to be caring for my grandparents but today he was suffering from a terrible tooth problem that was causing great pain so he went home leaving me to the care of my grandparents.  I decided that I would set aside the (C) of hurt and all the (C) they have given me over the years and focus on honoring them.  I went to Earth Fare bought good ingredients and made a healthy kale and white bean soup.  I made a double batch so that it can be put in the freezer.
I discovered today that when I try to shut off the (C), I actually love cooking healthy food.  I loved knowing that what I was going to make was nutritious and would aid in keeping me healthy and helping to make her healthy. I am so baffled by why I have spent so many years filling myself with terrible food and bad choices when I actually love the process of choosing good.  It was a joy to shop for fresh and colorful food and then to cook and enjoy the nutrition. It probably has a lot to do with feeding the hurt instead of allowing myself to feel it and then let it go.  Set the (C) down and move on with living.  Really tonight was about living! Living! Using food to sustain instead of using food to deaden the hurt. Using the illustration of me holding a huge pile of crap, my normal way of dealing with food has been to pile doughnuts and french fries on top of the pile of (C) instead of using nutritious food to wash away the (C).

It was a good day! Long, I'm exhausted, but thrilled that I can profess that I do enjoy the process of gathering and preparing nutritious food.  Oh yea, just a little bonus.  Going into Earth Fare a woman was singing and playing her guitar for money.  She sounded amazing.  It certainly helped to encourage me to pick up my step, and truly enjoy the process. As I checked out I got extra cash to share with her. Decided it was cheep therapy.  What a little added gift for my day!

So today finds me...
(-) the (C) of hurt and shame
(+) the joy of healthy cooking and eating!