Day 28, 2nd Dance Class

Yes today was my second dance class.  I will say more about that in a moment but first...

This morning I had a call from Cheri, who lives in Washington state. She wanted to talk to me about topics and themes for their womens retreat this coming spring. I had said I would send her a sample talk and topics etc. but she just called and we talked over the phone about the retreat and so much more.  It was a wonderful conversation.  She ended it saying she was going into a Womens Ministries meeting at the conference office and she would let me know by the end of today. Moments later she texted me and wanted to know what my fee was. 
At that moment all the confidence, all the excitement vanished for me.  I was instantly trying to snuggle up with (C).  My first reaction was to say "oh nothing, I don't need anything."  After all I'm not a professional, I'm just a fake, a pretender, someone who likes speaking, but I'm not a professional. (C) (C) (C).  Every number I ran around in my head seemed wrong.  $100.00, is that too low, too high, if I say $200, will they think I'm greedy.  If I say $100 do I look like the amateur that I am...(C) (C).  My head was spinning. I felt defeated, weak.  I finally remembered a web site where speakers listed their fees.  One of the fee levels was, "What ever honorarium is budgeted for the event."  I texted Cheri back and just said that I was fine with an honorarium.  Then I fought through more crap. I took a moment and reminded myself how this process is about living minus the crap.  I knew I was drowning in it.  So I took a moment and asked God to help me to have the strength to keep moving forward.  I asked for the strength to put the (C) down.  I asked for peace. 

A minute or so later I had another text from Cheri saying they had a budget of $500.00 honorarium plus all travel expenses.  Again, I instantly wanted to tell her that was more than I had expected, but instead I texted back as fast as I could, "perfect".   Over, right?  No, I spent most of the day going over and over it, questioning myself, so much so that I almost didn't want to blog about it.  After all what if you all think I am being greedy, etc, etc.  I reminded myself this blog is abut me working through these days and not about impressing you, so here it all is.

I am excited, and doing my best tonight to let go and look up.  To look to Christ to guide me and help me find the confidence to do His will. 

This very crazy day ended with a wonderful Ethiopian dinner with Anna, Becca, and Andrew. Then a stop at the church to look in on the progress of the youth room.  At the church I was happy to see friends, exchange hugs and then off to my second dance class.  This class was double in size (last week several people were absent). The class was fast paced yet fun. Last week I felt like I was just trying to not die. (Not physically but emotionally)  Tonight in class, I was more myself, open, and found trying to move fun! I found muscles I didn't know existed.  I found it more stress relieving than stress causing.  I met new women and felt like I fit in.  We are all unique, all different ages, all trying to figure out how to make our bodies do what our instructor is asking of us.  We all looked awkward, we all stumbled, but we were all moving and learning. It was a joy! I appreciated the ability to look awkward with others and be OK with it.  I know God created us to dance, I can't wait for heaven when it will be fluid, and truly a beauty to behold, until then I'm practicing :)!  Until that day I will be dancing in my imperfection and praising Him all the way!