Day 13

Saw this on Facebook today and it clearly spoke to my struggle today. 

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "


Now for my struggle.  I want to be the woman who can pass the mirror and say "How amazing am I ?!" Can I? Should I? When I was a little girl (4 or 5) people always commenting on my eyelashes.  I remember one day very clearly.  We were in a store looking at clothes.  There was a red coat I was trying on (shocker), and a woman came up to me and said what beautiful eyes I had.  My mother who was right there chimed in, "It doesn't matter what she looks like, it is how she acts that matters." I remember being embarrassed, and ashamed. See I had been in trouble several time that day for not being good. So in essence I wasn't beautiful physically because that didn't matter and I wasn't beautiful in how I acted because I had been in trouble over and over. So what was I.  I know what my mom was trying to do which was to make sure that we didn't focus on looks and that we learn that "pretty is as pretty does".  I agree, I don't blame her but little things like that have made it very difficult for me to look in the mirror and be pleased. I loved the above post! Yet the (C) that I can't get out of my head is this...
1. (C) number 1 for the day... If I think I am beautiful then I am a fat girl ignoring the things she needs to change.
2. (C) number 2 for the day... Saying I am beautiful is being prideful and focusing on self.
3. (C) number 3 for the day... I can't believe my husband, that he is just being kind.

(C) number 1 makes me angry, and yet I have such a hard time not listening to it.  I know it is complete (C)! All you have to do is see all the people on TV that have surgery after surgery in an attempt to stay young and beautiful. Beauty is in all of us.  It is the life that Christ gives us and not something we do to become.  I really believe that we are all beautiful, unique and precious.  It is because of what God gave each of us and we do him a dishonor to look in the mirror and loath what we see.  I realize that it might be easier for me to see the beauty if this body wasn't damaged with fat and age, but really it is not about that!

C number 2 Is ridiculous since I did nothing to look or be beautiful it is all the work of God and nothing else.

C number 3 is the whole reason for this post.  Last night and again this evening I caught Chris just looking at me. When I asked, "What?" he sweetly smiled at me and said, "I like looking at you, your cute." Or something like that.  Quite honestly I usually don't listen because before he is even finished I am saying in my mind and then out loud to him, "No I'm not," or "I don't believe you" or something else to get him to stop. I can't enjoy or accept his admiration because of my own self loathing. It is ridiculous! I have this amazing man who cherishes me.  Love me.  Sees the beauty in me and finds me sexy but I because of all this (C) I can't accept it! How ridiculous is that! 
So tonight I am wishing I was happy to be a whale.  :)