It has been a wonderful Sunday. Chris made breakfast, the house was cold with windows open, we worked together, and I got some errands done. It was an all around great day!
Today we worked on cleaning up our laundry room. It is larger than most and for me that means more room for things to get piled up and a mess. It has been a mess for years. Frankly I don't even like going in there, which makes it hard to get the laundry done :) Today we cleaned it, took down all the natural occurring Halloween decorations (cob webs), and organized. The cleaner it became the lighter I felt. It was wonderful. At first we found the floor, then we vacuumed it. Then we took out a broken down table that just allowed us to have piles upon piles. We decided what needed to stay, and what was to be given away and what was trash. You know the drill.
I realized today how much my house keeping abilities, or the lack there of, have contributed to the pile of (C). In fact I think it would be safe to say it is a good 75% of the (C). That is a lot of Crap! When I invite people over, I always have rooms I hope no one ever enters. When people leave and I find dust I didn't realize was there, I feel ill! I believe if people really knew how ugly it was, they would at the very least be disgusted by me and might even have me committed. It sound dramatic but I'm serious. I say off the wall dramatic proclamations like this all the time and know that people will laugh and say, "Oh it can't be that bad". REALLY IT IS!!!!
I love entertaining, having my home open to friends and family! I love being open with my life, sharing the good, bad, and the ugly, but not where my house is concerned. There is so much shame I carry because of it. (C!!!!!) The shame has kept me up at night and made me physically ill. So why is this such a huge issue for me? Is it that I am just lazy? Do I have a personality that makes it difficult? Is it that I am carrying around so much shame, and the weight is just too heavy to bear, so I just sit down? I don't know and tonight I have no answers except to say, I can't feel like this experiment is a success unless I can figure out a way to put the "house Crap" down.
Today finding the floor in my laundry room and getting rid of the cob webs made me want to keep cleaning everywhere in this house and in my heart and in my soul. There are parts of my heart and soul that not only have crap, but I have ignored it for so long there are cob webs too! I am so ready to clean it out.
Cleaning it out is a messy dirty process. It isn't fun. Today when Chris and I came up to get some lunch we both had to change our clothes because we felt so dirty, we just couldn't eat in the same clothes. I kind of feel that way tonight about this process. I feel dirty, I feel like the process of getting rid of the Crap in my life and made me dirty, and it scares me. I guess so many times in my life I have decided I am going to change. I am going to loose weight, keep my house clean, or any other number of things and then, I fail! I guess today realizing how much I need to clean out not only my home but my heart, scares me. I'm scared of failing. Yet I see more than eve that, it must be done.
Tonight all I can say is this. I have identified a whole other area of (C) and I'm overwhelmed. I can't say I have set it down or that I know how to set this one down, but at least, I clearly see there is a lot of (C) that needs cleaning!
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