Two weeks ago tonight I started this journey. This morning finds me wondering or evaluating how the journey is going. I certainly can say that I am more intentionally living. More aware.
Last night as Chris and I were on our way to practice at the church we were trying to decided on a place to eat. I hate telling people where I want to eat, especially if I don't have a huge craving or an idea of where I want to go. Looking at the time we had, it became obvious that it would have to be fast food and our choices were Wendy's, Arby's, or Bojangles. Chris suggested Wendy's. As I sat and thought about what I would get, nothing was healthy. (I know what you are thinking..."they have potatoes and salad, that would be healthy") I had only had one quick meal up to that point, I was starving and I knew that if I went to Wendy's I would have a vege sandwich (that they tend to drown in mayo), french fries (a favorite) and a small Frosty (a must have). The more I thought about it, I kept thinking abut that white bread, sorry bun with to much mayo, and a tiny slice of tomato, and one limp tiny piece of lettuce...I then asked about a chick-fil-a but they were all to far away. Then I thought of Arby's, I was sure I had years ago had a great wheat bread sandwich from there. If my memory was correct it was full of lettuce, tomato, cheese, etc, on good wheat bread. Sounded so much better. So I asked Chris, "Would you rather go to Arby's?", knowing that he likes Arby's. His reply, "No I'm happy to go to Wendy's." Now normally that would be the end and we would go to Wendy's. I normally could not, would not express my desire to try Arby's. After all I wasn't sure if there was anything I could eat there. He obviously preferred Wendy's or he would have jumped at the slightly cracked window I gave him. It really wasn't that big a deal...and so on and so on.
The (C) keeping me back was ultimately that I wasn't important enough, my desire to choose something healthier wasn't as important as pleasing Chris, so Wendy's it is. Yesterday I recognized the (C) I was listening to, shut it off, turned to a new channel, and simply asked, "would you be willing to try Arby's." That may not seem like much but it was huge for me. (The sandwich was delicious and for all you vegetarians out there, hands down one of the best vege sandwiches you can buy fast food. Amazing!)
This week I have found that letting go of the (C), changing the channel so to speak, has freed me to be more productive. Most importantly, I do feel more empowered or freed to hear more clearly God. After all, the (C) is like a clanging symbol that keeps my attention and interferes with the quiet peaceful voice of the Holy Spirit. Yesterday in the car, I literally closed my eyes, visualized setting down (C) as I said a prayer, asking for God to wipe away the crap and free me to say what I was thinking. It worked.
Before you think this is a bit dramatic for something as small as picking a fast food restaurant, ultimately there was a battle raging. I don't ever want my desires to squash the desires or needs of my husband. I don't want to become so self centered that where I want to eat is all that matters. I don't want choosing good choices of food to become more important than the relationships around me. However, as you can tell from what Chris said, this was not that. In fear of going to far one direction I just say nothing and hurt myself in the process. Yesterday as I closed my eyes, prayed that I would let go of the (C), the reality, the simplicity of the situation was clear. Chris had not said he didn't want to go to Arby's, I had not even asked if he would like to go to Arby's. I asked if he would "Rather" go to Arby's. So I asked. The best part of this little interchange was that at the moment I asked for help in setting aside the (C) there was clarity. Clarity that freed me. Clarity that helped me to see how silly or simple this all was.
So at the end of two weeks, I can't say I don't hear the (C) but in the process of daily, and intentionally working to set it down, I do have moments of clarity or moments when I know the Holy Spirit is happy to step in and fill the space that (C) used to occupy.
"Change my heart oh God. Make it ever true. Change my heart oh God, may I be like you."
No comments:
Post a Comment