Day 38

So last night was a terrible post.  Mostly I was tired.  We had traveled all the way from Collegedale to home and I was just exhausted.  That is one reason.  The second is I was too tired to really look at what I was dealing with.  It isn't that I consciously was saying to myself  I was to tired to write the truth.  I just know this morning driving to Pisgah, I was thinking about my inability to post anything meaningful last night and wondered why.  Was it that there was really nothing going on, no (C) to deal with, nothin'. I discovered this..

I knew that the day had been an emotionally charged day.  Mostly good, with family and friends, but there was some intense feelings, I had not blogged about. I have been feeling a sad sense of disconnect from the SDA church establishment.  Here me out....  I have always, as far back as I can remember loved my church.  I have not been under any illusion that it is perfect, but I have loved it.  I needed to love it.  After all our family dedicated our life to working for it.  My whole life has been surrounding and intertwined in the SDA church.  I have had family members leave because of various reasons, I have understood, not been critical of them; however for myself this church has been a refuge.  If I have seen things that were a problem, I have always had the attitude, there must be something I can do. After all a church is made up of people and I am one of those people, so what can I do to make it better!  I loved being apart of our little church in Charlotte, and the journey of going from small and struggling to bursting at the seams.  I enjoyed the process of struggling with each other on different issues and yet always coming together and working as a family!  I have always felt like apart of something that is huge, something that matters.

In 1985 I went to the GC Session in New Orleans at the super dome.  I was in highschool.  This event just made me so proud to be part of a world church.  I had grown up in Ethiopia, traveled around the world, been in many different churches and should have understood the magnitude of our church and yet seeing us all together in one place gave me a beautiful visual of how global we were, it was a profoundly moving experience.  I remember thinking at the presessions for pastors, they needed to have meetings for their kids. They needed to have a time for all the pastors kids to come together. I even wrote a letter to the GC making that suggestion.  I felt like I was apart and should be heard.  (I noticed at the last GC, they have meetings for the pastors kids at the presessions.)  Going to the GC session in '85 really strengthend my pride, or conviction that I was right where I needed to be.
 
This past GC session in Atlanta, I was so excited to go again.  I took the MPA recruiting team.  I left just sad. I felt like I didn't fit and I didn't want to.  It isn't that I am not a Seventh-day Adventist.  I am. I just felt like the church was not going forward but backwards.  I felt like it was trying to go back to what I had been before all the growth and transformation I have experienced in my personal relationship with Christ.  I don't want to go back, yet to be apart to feel that pride and connection, I feel like I would have to go backwards.
Before you all think I have gone off the deep end, that I'm leaving the church, nothing could be farther from the truth. I am just struggling with figuring out how I reconcile the change in me, I know is because of my relationship with God, and better understanding his grace and his love for me, with the direction our world church seems to be going.

This has become all the more an issue recently.  After returning from GC in Atlanta, I remember telling Chris I was glad we had our church.  I know the global church may seem to be going backwards but our little church is not that way.  I have always felt like our little church has been different, a refuge.  This past couple weeks, even that has been challenged.  I have seen us struggling as a church with issues that have hurt me, angered me, frustrated me and just baffled me.   I am not going to get into specifics.  For those of you who are in my church, I still love our church and am earnestly praying that somehow, someway we figure out how to become a stronger unit, a stronger family because of the discussions we are having.  I know with God, all things are possible and we can get there.  I know there is much he wants to do in my life, and much I have to learn.

Sabbath, we listened to an amazing sermon by Litchfield.  He made some comments in his sermon, I agreed with and seemed so clear which also described some of what is going on in our church.  It made me sad.  Very sad.  In the past when hearing those types of comments, I have felt like it was in other places, but not in our church.
 
I guess combine what happened at the GC session in Atlanta and what has been going on in our church in Charlotte, and I am feeling lost.  Feeling like I don't know where I belong.  This morning when I realize all this and that this is what I was struggling with but didn't have the energy to blog about last night I was very emotional.  Emotional because I realized what a huge deal this is.  Critical.

I am as SDA as they come.  I remember when Chris decided to work for the bank.  I was lost and terrified.  All I have known was church employment.  I didn't know how to interact, how to be the wife of a bank worker.  Feeling like I don't connect or fit with the church that I have so dearly loved is terrifying.  The saddest for me is this, the feelings of disconnect are a result of growth which I know is a result of what God has been doing in my life.  If I want to be connected I would have to give up what God has given to me and I can't do that. 
I realize this is very cryptic feeling based.  Frankly the specifics and the issues are unimportant. I'm just scared and I was too tired to face all this last night.

So now for today... Yes this is kind of two days in one...

As I was driving up to Pisgah, emotional after realizing the above, starting to doubt myself.  No starting to doubt what God has done in my life, I was dealing with all kinds of (C). I was questioning my convictions, my new understanding of Jesus Christ.  Then, I got an email.  Yes I was driving, (no one was around, it was a straight stretch of open highway, somewhere in SC) but I opened the email and it was from a dear friend (and blog reader) with a link to a song.  My phone was already pugged into the radio system, so I just clicked on the link and listened to an amazing song I needed so much at that moment.  It was such a beautiful thing.  It was the perfect song and the perfect time.  There are many things you can take from the song but for me this morning it was this.  I needed to remember,  He is walking me through this process.  HE is what matters, and He will someday make it all right! I wasn't so emotional, I wasn't as terrified.  He is still working in our church and in many churches of different denominations around the world.  He is still working in my life and in the lives of people in every continent and if I am willing He will finish this work in me and HE will finish this work in our church. He will wipe away all the (C) and give us all robes, (white and fluffy of course :))

Then I felt so impressed that I needed to call Sarah.  I hesitated because I had nothing important to tell her, but I just could not stop thinking about her and felt like I needed to call.  So I did.  We talked about nothing important but in the conversation she asked what I had for breakfast. I told her nothing yet and she said, "mom you need to stop and eat".  I knew she was right but felt compelled to push on toward Pisgah.  For sometime it kept bugging me.  I struggled with my determination to get to Pisgah at a certain time with knowing I needed to take care of myself and eat a good breakfast of real food.  When I stopped for gas at exit 75 (paid $2.76, yippee) there was a Denny's.  Now I have only eaten at Denny's a couple times and would not associate it with healthy food.  However, I decided to stop and eat.  They had egg white scramble with fresh spinach and grape tomatoes, fresh fruit and an English muffin.  It was colorful, nutritious, I sat down, enjoyed people watching, gave a large tip to the grumpy waitress and enjoyed her reaction and the smile and cheery attitude that followed.  I got back in the car and called Sarah to thank her for being the voice of truth.

I arrive at Pisgah and had a wonderful conversation with a parent, which ended in her telling me she was training for a half marathon and she needed to go running.  We compared notes and decided to go running which we did at 4.  Had another conversation with another parent who later told me the conversation was an answer to prayer.

It was one of those days when you just know HE is walking right there with you.  He was guiding and leading the entire day.  I know His presence was with me, and I know he is excited to be the most important part of this journey.

I will end this, way to long post, with a couple links.  One is the song that started the process of putting my focus in the right place today! Thanks Idaia!

And the other is a song I found later.  Music is so healing for me.  Music can turn my focus heaven ward in a matter of moments. Today it was a huge part of helping me to be conscious of His leading and direction.